Assess my poem

Piehead wrote: »

Well to explain parts of it -

Yesterday’s tomorrow = today

Hi pie. Well done on the writing. And for being brave enough to put it here.


I know we all take work personally . I don't want to attack your feelings behind the poem. But i am just saying what i see.


Take out the preposition 'to'. Making it as follows...

I must survive yesterday's tomorrow.

The preposition is not correct here. You could consider using 'Until' I must survive until yesterday's tomorrow.

You need punctuation when removing a lot of prepositions and articles which you have done.

I would also consider re-ordering some of the sentences.

Overwhelmed redemption grows far and wide, flying overhead and Overnight.
Trinkets in my head clink clink clink. But ...But ...But..
I must survive (until) yesterday's tomorrow.

Checked before and again, hoisted over the thoughts of life.

Woke and awake, Ideas crashed on a road of ice.
Find a way, Find a way.
Without a will, of course.
Without a debt of voice.
Beginning and ending (in) endless circles.
Sleep comes.

Perhaps you could say 'Find a way without a will of course.' ??? One sentence?
And 'Without the debt of voice.'?



Of course you can leave it as it is if you are happy with it. But i always think when we are happy with something ....then we don't feel like asking others

Play around with it a bit ! See what happens

When I read the first line I thought we might be in for some pentameter, and I would have preferred an entire poem structured in that way.

I must survive to yesterday’s tomorrow

Dropping the to in that line would make semantic sense, but would break the rhythm of the line, which is iambic with a feminine ending. That you chose to include the to in that line suggests that you have an instinct for rhythm.

I think you should work on that. Create a whole poem in pentameter, rhyming or not, on a non-abstract subject.

That is only my assessment, and I could be way off.

Solid

There's the basis of something but you need some development of images or ideas. The sentences could be rearranged in any order, with the possible exception of the final two lines, and the poem wouldn't be any different. This suggests everything is too vague. I'm not saying there needs to be a story or a sequence of events but there needs to be progression of some kind. Some of it seems esoteric or cryptic just for the sake of it.

I would try to express everything you are saying in this poem using one analogy. The icy road, maybe.

Whatever you do, your first line in particular might need another look. "Overwhelmed, far and wide it grows." Avoid using worn out phrases like 'far and wide.' I'm not sure if this is what you meant to say but that line means that whatever 'it' is in the sentence, it is being overwhelmed. If you mean to say that you are being overwhelmed by something that is growing you need to rework the pronouns. 'Dark and edgeless it grows, I am overwhelmed.'

Do you mean 'without a depth of voice'?