Can’t think straight on this one

Jealousgal747

So I met my boyfriend a year and a half ago. I got pregnant pretty early in the relationship but we were both happy as wanted to be together. We now have a 3 month old baby. Just before Christmas we met my friend in the park who had her friend with her who my boyfriend never met. She is a well groomed girl. Anyway fast forward to last night and I saw loads of pages of this girls Instagram and Facebook open on his computer. I had gone to bed but got back up so he wouldn’t have been expecting me. She is a poser and has a lot of seductive photos of herself. How he even found her name is beyond me... is this normal or should I be quite worried? He is the man I want to be with and I felt he loved me too.. very confused..

Richard Hillman

Unfortunately and this is a man's internal instinct, your boyfriend fancies lots of other women. There are lots of women that he sees and thinks phwoar. But essentially his loyalty is very likely towards you. Does he have a history of being unfaithful? Although this may be his first proper relationship with true stakes in it (the child). Would he sacrifice it? Probably not. But never for the rest of his life will it stop him from fancying other women just to look at.

If your sex life has slowed (and it probably has since the baby), then you may have to be worried. I don't think you need to be worried in general though. Men will always check out other women.

Augme

Haha, I can already see how this thread is going to go!

Speaking as a man I'm going to assume most women would find it upsetting and be disgusted by it. While most men have probably done it themselves to a certain level. I'd be amazed if a man hasnt cracked one out to his girlfriends attractive friend, if they said they never did I would genuinely struggle to believe them.

But there could be levels to that behaviour. Logging on to her social media pages straight away is a bit excessive, but you can easily say is that really any worse then using your imagination. I don't know myself.

At the end of the day physical attraction doesn't stop when you are in a relationship and you can't help who you find sexually attractive. But you can help your partner not finding out about it though! That's where he messed up. If he messed up regularly then it would become an issue.

Airyfairy12

From my own experience of having an ex boyfriend like this, its a bad sign. Ive no problem with a boyfriend watching porn or finding other women attractive but online stalking women he's just met briefly and going through all their social media pictures, to me wouldnt necessarily suggest he is going to cheat or thinks about cheating but it would make me cautious and second guess his loyalty.
I would never condone checking someones private messages and this case is no different but I would speak to your friend about it, if he messaged this girl or tried to connect with her, bringing it up with your friend may be a good way to find out.

leggo

There’s no straightforward answer on this one, you’ll really need to cross-reference it with other behaviour to see if there’s anything you need to worry about.

On one hand: just because you’re with someone doesn’t mean you just stop fancying others. This is said time and time again on here. It’s upsetting that you saw this, and the fact that it’s someone you met rather than a celebrity or movie star is going to set your brain in motion, but you didn’t see him messaging or contacting her just looking at her pics.

On the other: to find her page he’d have had to go to some effort. If he didn’t get her name directly when you met then he went through your friend’s page to find it. The fact that you were in bed and weren’t likely to come down suggests some premeditation on his part, which isn’t great.

Ultimately he hasn’t done anything you know of to suggest cheating so I’d let this go but take a mental note. You can probably guess his response now if you were to bring him up and it gets you nowhere, whatever he tells you won’t matter because you still won’t know if it’s true or not, you’ll just have had a row that may not have been necessary. I’d also avoid bringing it up with your friend. Again, play that out: if she goes to her friend and something is going on, the friend is likely to just lie because she’d already know he’s in a relationship. Whereas if he did message her and she’s unhappy, she’d tell your friend who’d likely feed it back to you. Meanwhile if you act on it you’re pouring negative energy into something that may not be necessary and it’s only going to make your anxiety worse and harm your relationship without any end goal in sight.

Put a pin in this for now. If something comes back to you, or if you’ve any further cause for concern down the line, you can refer back to it and act then.

redfox123

Men will find other women attractive, but to go to the lengths of finding a woman he briefly met once on social media like this is probably not a good sign. Look objectively at your relationship it sounds like it’s been hurtling along since you met and depending on your age it may have him a little unprepared for the major commitment that has been made by having your baby together. You really didn’t have that much time together as a couple.

You will need to focus of course on your baby and not be worrying about this, however I personally would find it concerning and bordering on creepy territory. I would not be able to not bring it up. His loyalty may be with you but I would need reassurance that loyalty is not just out of duty, but in heart and mind too. That is not too much to want in a relationship, no matter what the male posters here tell you.
They’re all for normalising ****ty behaviour big or small because they’re not really capable of any true and meaningful commitment themselves, anything better than mediocre makes them feel more inadequate.

Sonic the Shaghog

To be honest I wouldn't class looking up her Instagram and Facebook as "extreme"

All hed need is even her first name and just has to search your friends pages. Not exactly great detective work

Ash.J.Williams

Jealousgal747 wrote: »

So I met my boyfriend a year and a half ago. I got pregnant pretty early in the relationship but we were both happy as wanted to be together. We now have a 3 month old baby. Just before Christmas we met my friend in the park who had her friend with her who my boyfriend never met. She is a well groomed girl. Anyway fast forward to last night and I saw loads of pages of this girls Instagram and Facebook open on his computer. I had gone to bed but got back up so he wouldn’t have been expecting me. She is a poser and has a lot of seductive photos of herself. How he even found her name is beyond me... is this normal or should I be quite worried? He is the man I want to be with and I felt he loved me too.. very confused..

You’re ok on this, slap on the wrist for em

bilbot79

It's really not a problem.

Whether there's a problem in your relationship or not he's going to do this same thing. He did it in his private space and in his private alone time he can and will think whatever he wants, look up whatever he wants etc.

Women can't understand how emotionally unattached men can be when it comes to sex. Shes just one of thousands of images in the w**k bank.

Nothing to see here. Move on

Tork

Is this really about this woman or are you insecure about the timeline in your relationship? You and your boyfriend didn't have all that much time together as a couple before a baby came into the picture. All you can do is wait this one out and see how it goes. It could mean something or it could mean nothing.

Princess Calla

bilbot79 wrote: »

Women can't understand how emotionally unattached men can be when it comes to sex. Shes just one of thousands of images in the w**k bank.

Nothing to see here. Move on

It would appear men don't understand how emotionally vulnerable a woman is 3 months after giving birth to their child.

In the last year you've (pregnant women in general not the op specifically) been growing a human, probably feeling as sexy as a wet dog. Your body has changed shape, you probably have stretch marks, if it's a natural birth you've most likely been bruised , stretched and stitched (so a little self conscious of how everything now looks) boobs are probably a little more saggy and leaky.

You're in the height of night feeds so sleep is elusive so you're definitely feeling like you've been dragged through a bush backwards. Your beauty regime is reduced to a daily shower, if you are lucky.

So yeah seeing the father of your child looking up a glamorous girl he just met is really not the support a first time mum needs.

Op no one can really tell you for sure if it's harmless or not. You need to look at your relationship as a whole.

You can see by the responses here the majority of male replies have been "it's harmless" and to a certain extent I agree with them. It's very easy to be bored (especially now) and go down internet rabbit holes. He may not have purposely searched for her, but was looking at one thing which led to another and ended up on her page.

Personally I'd casually mention it and see his reaction, it probably is nothing. I totally get why you are upset though.

Congratulations on the baby, the first few months are the hardest.... everything is a phase though ,some phases are better than others

Louis Friend

A complete storm in a tea cup.

There’s a huge leap from having a looksie at a cute girl on social media and going offside.

The OP should relax.

Ash.J.Williams

Louis Friend wrote: »

A complete storm in a tea cup.

There’s a huge leap from having a looksie at a cute girl on social media and going offside.

The OP should relax.

In the ops defence it’s definitely something she needs to pull him up on

heretothere

I'd have to ask my husband about it, no way could I keep it in! Hopefully he will be able to reassure you. I know I often get very nosy about people, both male and female, and look up their social media so it probably is something innocent enough. Congrats on the baby

Louis Friend

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

In the ops defence it’s definitely something she needs to pull him up on

To what end?

It’s okay to “check people out”.

It’s not okay to act on it.

If it’s the former, best not to pursue it.

Ash.J.Williams

Louis Friend wrote: »

To what end?

It’s okay to “check people out”.

It’s not okay to act on it.

If it’s the former, best not to pursue it.

Yeah but now that he’s caught it’s worthy of discussion, I’m just saying this because the tone of most of the answers are telling op “it’s fine men do this you’re grand”

If mine caught me and said nothing I
My mind would go into overdrive wondering what form of justice she’s planning in her head to dish out

YellowLead

Looking at this objectively from the outside I would be agreeing that’s it’s not necessarily a big deal. I would I say it’s akin to looking at pictures of celebrities or looking at porn, which men do including those in happy relationships. If there had been any attempt at contact, or even a friend request sent then yeah I’d be taking it more seriously. I know plenty of work colleagues drooling over topless pictures of channing Tatum on their lunch breaks for example.
I have to admit though, if I was in your shoes I’d be upset also, and likely obsessing over it. It’s easy to give the advice not to worry to others but different when it’s in your own situation, especially after having a baby when you mightn’t be feeling as glamorous as you’d like.
You’ve left it a few days so it would be odd to bring it up now - but if that had been me I would have just said something. You said he left his laptop open and therefore you aren’t admitting to snooping- just hey I walked past your laptop and I see you were looking at x friend, don’t blame you she’s gorgeous isn’t she! And sort of see how he would react. If he just smiles and says yeah sorry, then cool but if he looks super shifty then perhaps ask him why.
I think the fact he left his laptop out like that means he’s not considering it as anything he needs to hide. Regardless of whether you were upstairs or not, if he was up to anything sneaky he would most likely close out of those pages, or at least close the laptop down.

Neyite

Communication in a relationship is almost always better when people are direct with each other.

Right now you are in a relatively new relationship, and one that's had a LOT of changes for both of you - not even including the "new normal" of various lock downs and restrictions in our lives.

So ask him. Tell him you saw his screen when you got up and ask him why he was looking up your friend.

Thelonious Monk

Sometimes when someone's friend is suggested as a friend on facebook I might click through their photos, could it not just be a case of that? I can't think of any friends of previous partners that I'd be excited enough about to go creeping on their photos.

Sonic the Shaghog

To be honest I agree with the above that of course a new mother would feel down about it and it's understandable.

I also agree that it's 99% just a harmless **** material.

I dunno about "confronting" him tho tbh lads it's sounds a bit OTT over just viewing. If he was liking bikini or provocative pics that everyone else could see I'd understand.

But while I understand the OP wouldn't be feeling particularly great I think "having a chat" just because he was looking at her Instagram pics is OTT altogether and might cause even more friction if I'm honest, sounds a little controling

peckerhead

redfox123 wrote: »

...no matter what the male posters here tell you.
They’re all for normalising ****ty behaviour big or small because they’re not really capable of any true and meaningful commitment themselves, anything better than mediocre makes them feel more inadequate.

I was going to comment, but in the face of such dazzling insight (and such constructive advice to the OP!) I'll keep my inadequate 'male' views to myself.

redfox123

peckerhead wrote: »

I was going to comment, but in the face of such dazzling insight (and such constructive advice to the OP!) I'll keep my inadequate 'male' views to myself.

Nope never said your views were inadequate. I said there is a lot of normalising of actual creepy behaviour because of the proliferation of social media and our ever longer time spent on screens, and to call it out would make a lot of those who do it feel they need to defend it. When really it not something to defend.

Women know full well there is no emotionality attached to it whatsoever. That’s irrelevant.

If he has a girlfriend and she now has his baby, no he should not be searching up her friends on his laptop to have a perv. That’s just quite **** full stop. People should have higher standards for themselves, not saying it’s totally fine. If he’s single there’s no problem, and if he actually plans to interact with her.

There’s no reason she wouldn’t bring it up, and tell him how it made her feel.

bitofabind

I find this rhetoric of most men **** to their partner's friends and it's just totally normal frankly disturbing. And offensive to men too.

Doesn't really matter wha anyone else thinks anyway, other than the OP and what her personal boundaries are. Feeling uncomfortable and insecure because you caught your fella creeping over multiple social media profiles of an attractive friend of a friend he met once a hot minute after you gave birth to his child is a pretty normal reaction. Regardless of whether he intends to ride off into the sunset with her or not, and we all know it's probably not. It's not gonna make anyone feel good or confident in their relationship.

If it was me OP, I'd have a word but then that's how I deal with things. He's probably going to veer from flat out denial to anger that you caught him but I always think bringing up issues before they escalate and breed distrust is better than letting them fester.

leggo

This thread is in danger of derailing now by becoming a gender war. Lobbing digs in at men, specifically men who’ve posted here, unprovoked will do that.

I don’t think I’ve seen anyone say it’s ‘normal’, and I’m one of the people who said the effort he went to was a bit much. What I’ve seen is people accept that it happened and, on balance, note that technically it doesn’t break the boundaries of cheating. You can’t control what someone masturbates about when they’re not thinking about you, you shouldn’t even want to know. And whether it’s a porn star, celebrity, one of their work colleagues or your mates...it actually makes zero difference unless they act on it.

That’s the point people are making. It’s valid, people are allowed to feel differently, but none of it has to do with their gender so less of the unhelpful generalisations please people.

The chan chan man

I have done this and will probably do it again... I’m married with kids! Its natural male curiosity. I’d have zero interest in doing anything about it, just curious enough to have a look!

Jequ0n

He seems to simply have looked at someone's social media pages and left those open on the browser. Hardly something you'd do if you were cheating (unless you were very stupid).


Doesn't seem like anything that can be sorted with a simple conversation to re-assure the OP

Rubberchikken

There's always those who will attempt to justify creepy behaviour but not everyone will.
The op needs to speak to their partner. It doesn't necessarily mean anything to view someone online it might just be simple nosiness. only he can explain.

redfox123

Whether you’ve done it or not what some men need to understand is that ‘it doesn’t matter because it’s not cheating’ (which is the default defense,) is not the point, of course it’s not physical cheating, your gf knows you wouldn’t have a chance anyway, and as if the woman would go there if he has a baby with her friend! It’s beyond ridiculous.
The point is it’s creepy, disturbing and the fact that next time you see that person and you’re making small talk, you know and your gf knows and is going to be standing there thinking wow you were caught jerking off to this persons pictures .. and if you think that’s not fk’d up and extremely weird then I don’t know what is.

osarusan

redfox123 wrote: »

That is not too much to want in a relationship, no matter what the male posters here tell you.
They’re all for normalising ****ty behaviour big or small because they’re not really capable of any true and meaningful commitment themselves, anything better than mediocre makes them feel more inadequate.

What a ridiculous comment.

rapul

This is ridiculous so he looked at some pics, it's human nature to be inquisitive, nothing wrong as long as he or she doesn't do anything but look, everyone does it, men and women, stop bad mouthing men, some real sour opinions in here

Edit. Also it's not like he was hiding the fact he was looking so why the crazy jump to pulling off to some one on Instagram, crazy thread

IAMAMORON

People fantasize about their partners friends all the time, it happens. Anyone who says that they do not find other persons attractive is telling porkies. Most men use pornography when they are masturbating or having other less rigorous fantasies, it happens.

It's fairly harmless, but the fact that he has been caught would certainly indicate how clumsy your partner is? It is quite crude of him to wait until you are in beddy byes before getting goggle eyed over your pals bits n bobs on Instagram - the filthy phucker.

I would give a good guilt trip for a while and maybe turn off the sex taps for a bit, let him know that you are upset about this - if only to have him more on the ball about getting caught acting the bollocks the next time. If he thinks you don't care he is more than likely to reoffend - you need to set a boundary on this now. It might not stop him doing it - but he will think twice about when.