People who aren't your friends, but want to act as if they are

Deemed as Normal

As in people who aren't your friends, but want to act as if they are that one time in the year that you meet them. They'll say something like "we must have ye down some time" but you know they don't mean it. Then you have to pretend that you believe them so that they can act as if they're nice. The only reason they say it is because it's nice to end an interaction with positive energy; and I get that, but then the other person has to figure out that they didn't actually mean it. It's completely unnecessary for people to act such a way, and might even come against them in the long run. There's nothing wrong with just saying "hope you're doing well" or whatever and leaving it at that.

How do you deal with these people?

Story

My father currently deals with his sister in law in this type of way. To explain the back story, she fell out with him a decade or so ago which was all grand, but now my mother has become quite senile (home bound). So the only way of keeping in touch with my mom has to be through my dad. She lives 200 miles away and visits once a year as she feels obliged to check in with my mother. The first time she came down, she let on that she was going to stay over night (as my dad had offered) but then pretended that she needed to get on the road back home 3 hours after having arrived. She said it was because there was a storm that was coming in the next day!

The next time she was arranging to come down she mentioned all the right things via text. In one she typed about "...looking forward to going for walks in the west Cork air". Gives the impression that she'd be staying a while, right? However, after my dad made it clear that she was welcome stay overnight (effectively giving her the hint to answer), she didn't directly address that point! My father had a bedroom prepared for her, and ended up putting out plans he had made in case she was going to stay overnight. She didn't end up staying overnight! She seems too stuck up, and would consider it awkward staying in his house while having to remember the way she treated him all those years ago. In the end when she was leaving she was of course acted as if she'd be back down in a few months, but I have my doubts. It would be kind of awkward letting someone know that you're going to drive 200 miles twice in one day over the phone. You know what they'd be thinking!

Rubberchikken

Just smile nod and get on with life.
It's not complicated.

vikings2012

Deemed as Normal wrote: »

As in people who aren't your friends, but want to act as if they are that one time in the year that you meet them. They'll say something like "we must have ye down some time" but you know they don't mean it. The only reason they say it is because it's nice to end an interaction with positive energy; and I get that, but then the other person has to figure out that they didn't actually mean it.

Then you have to pretend that you believe them so that they can act as if they're nice. How do you deal with these people?

Maybe they do mean it. Have you ever taking up their invitation? Majority of people are busy straight forward individuals

Deemed as Normal

vikings2012 wrote: »

Majority of people are busy straight forward individuals

I'm not talking about the majority of people. I'm talking about the sort of people I describe. Yes, it isn't that common though.

castletownman

The one positive thing about the lockdown is not encountering these sort of people on a night out around Christmas.

Ubbquittious

Boards is full of introverted misanthropes.

jmlad2020

CBA replying to this thread. I find it quite silly.

On a side note, I am astounded that Home Alone hasn't been on TV this year. Best film ever. Anyone agree?

Deemed as Normal

jmlad2020 wrote: »

CBA replying to this thread. I find it quite silly.

CBA? Couldn't be arsed

BrianD3

"Let me know if I can help in any way" is another platitude that usually means nothing.

Worse though are the snakes who start sentences with "As your friend..." when they are far from being your friend. They will use/shaft you and may have already done so and still claim to be your friend afterwards. Sociopaths

Better watch out for the skin deep (friends)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aw9mEFn38to

JasonStatham

Definitely just nod and smile like others have suggested. Why would you be arsed thinking more about it, if they're not really genuine people and you only see them once a year.

growleaves

jmlad2020 wrote: »

CBA replying to this thread. I find it quite silly.

On a side note, I am astounded that Home Alone hasn't been on TV this year. Best film ever. Anyone agree?

It was on in a few cinemas this month.

Deemed as Normal

growleaves wrote: »

It was on in a few cinemas this month.

You're full of ****. The Stella would be the only place.

growleaves

Deemed as Normal wrote: »

You're full of ****. The Stella would be the only place.

Er I don't understand why you're reacting with an outburst of profanity.

It was on in The Lighthouse as well. I also think I saw it advertised in some Northside cinema at one stage - either Santry or Swords.

So you see, you are the one who is incorrect (<--a polite refutation without any swearing)

growleaves

It was also on in Odeon Blanchardstown cinema.

tscul32

Pretty sure it was also on in movies@Swords. They showed loads of old Christmas movies in December.

brookers

Deemed as Normal wrote: »

As in people who aren't your friends, but want to act as if they are that one time in the year that you meet them. They'll say something like "we must have ye down some time" but you know they don't mean it. Then you have to pretend that you believe them so that they can act as if they're nice. The only reason they say it is because it's nice to end an interaction with positive energy; and I get that, but then the other person has to figure out that they didn't actually mean it. It's completely unnecessary for people to act such a way, and might even come against them in the long run. There's nothing wrong with just saying "hope you're doing well" or whatever and leaving it at that.

How do you deal with these people?

Story

My father currently deals with his sister in law in this type of way. To explain the back story, she fell out with him a decade or so ago which was all grand, but now my mother has become quite senile (home bound). So the only way of keeping in touch with my mom has to be through my dad. She lives 200 miles away and visits once a year as she feels obliged to check in with my mother. The first time she came down, she let on that she was going to stay over night (as my dad had offered) but then pretended that she needed to get on the road back home 3 hours after having arrived. She said it was because there was a storm that was coming in the next day!

The next time she was arranging to come down she mentioned all the right things via text. In one she typed about "...looking forward to going for walks in the west Cork air". Gives the impression that she'd be staying a while, right? However, after my dad made it clear that she was welcome stay overnight (effectively giving her the hint to answer), she didn't directly address that point! My father had a bedroom prepared for her, and ended up putting out plans he had made in case she was going to stay overnight. She didn't end up staying overnight! She seems too stuck up, and would consider it awkward staying in his house while having to remember the way she treated him all those years ago. In the end when she was leaving she was of course acted as if she'd be back down in a few months, but I have my doubts. It would be kind of awkward letting someone know that you're going to drive 200 miles twice in one day over the phone. You know what they'd be thinking!

I know what you are saying, I would probably be like your sister in law, wouldnt have the balls to be up front and say no not staying. would make up excuses about weather, work, kids etc. I probably say lets meet up too and then totally forget about it as soon as i say it. The one thing Im not though is mean or jealous or begrudge anybody luck or prosperity and genuinely love to see people get on in life, whether that is by hard work, winning the lottery or if they got money from an aunt. Some of my family would rather put hot pokers in their eyes before they would give you a compliment or praise anything. There could be a brand new car, you would have lost 10 stone, looked amazing (none of these things actually have happened) and they still would not mention a word. The begrudgery is so depressing that I thank God im not like them and just try to block it from my mind.

boardise

Deemed as Normal wrote: »

As in people who aren't your friends, but want to act as if they are that one time in the year that you meet them. They'll say something like "we must have ye down some time" but you know they don't mean it. Then you have to pretend that you believe them so that they can act as if they're nice. The only reason they say it is because it's nice to end an interaction with positive energy; and I get that, but then the other person has to figure out that they didn't actually mean it. It's completely unnecessary for people to act such a way, and might even come against them in the long run. There's nothing wrong with just saying "hope you're doing well" or whatever and leaving it at that.

How do you deal with these people?

Story

My father currently deals with his sister in law in this type of way. To explain the back story, she fell out with him a decade or so ago which was all grand, but now my mother has become quite senile (home bound). So the only way of keeping in touch with my mom has to be through my dad. She lives 200 miles away and visits once a year as she feels obliged to check in with my mother. The first time she came down, she let on that she was going to stay over night (as my dad had offered) but then pretended that she needed to get on the road back home 3 hours after having arrived. She said it was because there was a storm that was coming in the next day!

The next time she was arranging to come down she mentioned all the right things via text. In one she typed about "...looking forward to going for walks in the west Cork air". Gives the impression that she'd be staying a while, right? However, after my dad made it clear that she was welcome stay overnight (effectively giving her the hint to answer), she didn't directly address that point! My father had a bedroom prepared for her, and ended up putting out plans he had made in case she was going to stay overnight. She didn't end up staying overnight! She seems too stuck up, and would consider it awkward staying in his house while having to remember the way she treated him all those years ago. In the end when she was leaving she was of course acted as if she'd be back down in a few months, but I have my doubts. It would be kind of awkward letting someone know that you're going to drive 200 miles twice in one day over the phone. You know what they'd be thinking!

I remember an interview with Vinny Jones (ex-footballer turned film actor)in a Sunday magazine. He told how he went to live on West coast in US. He'd go to parties ,meet people and some would say to him at parting ' We must have a game (of tennis ) some time'. VJ would meet such a person later and mention 'what about the game of tennis' -they wouldn't know what he was talking about. VJ was perplexed but an American friend explained that such a parting invitation is merely a code -meaning something like 'I think you're an OK guy and I wouldn't mind if we bumped into each other again though I'm not going to try to arrange it'.
If at parting nothing is said except the standard goodbye -that means the person has no interest whatever in meeting again and wouldn't necessarily welcome it anyway.
Cultural codes ,whether formulas of words, dress, gender roles , use of time and space etc.are extremely arbitrary, subtle and tricky enough to discern without some help. Cross cultural communication courses are advisable for any workers going abroad ,especially managers /executive types.

ByTheSea2019

Some people are very odd like this. I know one girl who invited another girl to a party and spent all of the time before she arrived feigning pannic attacks about the fact that the girl was going to come, saying she "had to" invite her, but she should have known not to come. Think about that. I have to invite you so you think you're welcome but at the same time I exptect you to be aware enough that you're not welcome not to come.

Deemed as Normal

ByTheSea2019 wrote: »

Some people are very odd like this. I know one girl who invited another girl to a party and spent all of the time before she arrived feigning pannic attacks about the fact that the girl was going to come, saying she "had to" invite her, but she should have known not to come. Think about that. I have to invite you so you think you're welcome but at the same time I exptect you to be aware enough that you're not welcome not to come.

That is exactly what I'm talking about.

Your Face

A bit of straight talk might help OP.
Just ask her what it is she actually wants and work out an arrangement that is acceptable to all.
It might be a bit awkward at first but at least you'll all know where you stand in the long run.

Deemed as Normal

Your Face wrote: »

A bit of straight talk might help OP.
Just ask her what it is she actually wants

That's what I told my father to do, but it's up to him. It's his sister in law, not mine. She my aunt.