Contact after date / hook up.

LegacyUser

Wonder if anyone could advise me or let me have their opinion. I'm single early 30s, eternally single bar short to medium term relationships never more than a few months. To say I've had a dry 2020 would be an understatement, lost my job earlier this year and used to be a professional and pretty much a workaholic so a big change. Anyway rejoined Tinder last week after not dating all year as genuinely I was so bored. Got talking to a guy who I would have met socially a couple of times but wouldn't really know. Anyway we met at the weekend and while it was never going to be a really romantic date situation it turned into a hook up at mine. We were both sober and he left a few hours after as he was working early the next morning far away. The sex was fairly good and he had a very good time, a lot better than me lol ( I felt a bit **** in myself after putting on a bit of weight during covid but powered on. Anyway, he definitely thought it was good and complimented me on a few things I did etc. I'm not a one night stand regular but have them every now and then if single. Anyway, while I wouldn't say it will be happily ever after, I'm kind of put out that he didn't text me since he left my place. Part of me knew he wouldn't, I just got a feeling after we were chatting in bed and he made a comment that he 'couldnt bieve I had done X after a few hours of meeting him.' What I did was not too wild at all in my book but the comment stung a little as made me feel a bit crap. Anyway apart from that it was a good date, hours of chats, no awkward silences and a lot in common so part of me is a bit annoyed as I would definitely have liked to explore things a bit more. He instigated moving things to the bedroom 100%, I was genuinely not fussed but my arm was twisted lol. Anyway I'm tempted to text as I'd even be up for a FWB thing at the moment but I just guess I'm afraid of looking like an idiot and feeling even more shire this year when my confidence is a bit low when it's probably crystal clear he's not into me....would love your thoughts please!

Stan27

Anongall88 wrote: »

<Snip> Please don't repost the entire OP

Text him. Nothing to loose.

ILoveYourVibes

If you are into a FWB thing ....don't worry he will call when he wants to...have the benefit.

He is in to you sexually...he seems a bit of an ass tho that makes you feel bad about yourself. Not sure why you think that dynamic would change.

Also i mean with covid etc.

FWB with benefits or one night stands whatever you want to call them ..they should be making you feel BETTER not bad ..you should feel amazing and happy after them.

Text him or not text him.....Just text him when you next want to hook up for the benefit. There isn't really a need to text him otherwise.

When you next want a fling ...then text him.

leggo

The comment he made that got your alarm bells going set them off for a reason: it’s a really judgy, ****ty thing to say. It’s also quite a dated and offensive attitude. What makes me laugh when I hear those kinda things said is that he did the exact same thing with you! Sex is literally a two to tango situation! It’s grand if he does it but he’s just left that comment about how there’s almost something wrong with you for doing it.

From what I see here, he’s negged you and sadly it’s worked. There doesn’t seem to be much to like about this guy, but he’s made a comment that’s got you feeling down on yourself at a time we’re all a bit low anyway, then followed that up by ghosting you. That’s the thing with negging if it lands: because you’ve kinda bought into his insulting behaviour, you’re blaming yourself and are now lowering your standards and somehow want to reward him for all this by offering him a NSA setup. Take a step back for a second OP. What good would inviting this person further into your life do when you’re already feeling pretty **** after one night with them? Aim higher than someone who’s going to put you down, judge you then ghost you, nobody needs that.

rainbowtrout

So he put you down for having a one night stand with him, when he did the same thing. He made you feel bad about yourself, you said that's he's not into you.... so why would you want to meet him again? Meeting him again tells him that you are ok with accepting that treatment. Why don't you want better for yourself? Why would you want a FWB situation with someone who makes you feel like crap?

seenitall

Hi OP,

It would serve you well to stop deluding yourself that you can handle a FWB situation with your friendly hypocrite, when you can’t even handle a ONS with him without giving yourself grief over his judgmental attitude.

Work on your self esteem as a matter of prority. Once you truly love yourself, a judgment like his would go over like water off a duck’s back, and you will just move on to better people and better situations. When we love and accept ourselves, we do not crave to be with others who would seek to make us feel bad about ourselves, but in fact quite the opposite.

Really, work on that before you date, otherwise your confused boundaries and your lack of self-esteem will keep leading you into painful experiences.

Jequ0n

If he hasn’t been in touch it tells you enough tbh and you don’t sound like you are in the most confident of places right now.

Caranica

You'll hear from him again, when it suits him. But that doesn't sound like the kind of guy you need in your life right now. You need to look after yourself, when you're not loving yourself you won't be drawn to guys who are good for you. And that's a vicious circle.

Also, please remember we're in the middle of a pandemic. House visits are allowed from today for the first time in weeks. Consider the safety of any vulnerable family members.

YellowLead

I think I would leave it. Silence from him is all the answer you need really - he’s clearly not interested in pursuing anything meaningful. And I would caution going down the fwb route - particularly if you have feelings for him that go beyond the physical, or your esteem is a little low, as you will just get hurt and feel worse.
Don’t feel bad because of his comment - that attitude that a small no. of men have that sex is something women ‘give up’ and if they do so too easily they’re not gf material is horse****. Thankfully that is not the attitude of a lot of men so hang in there. It sounds like you only want fwb as a last resort - if you do it’s easily found on tinder. But I think you are better off holding out for somebody to date, as it sounds like that’s what you’d like best. It’s tough out there on the dating scene for all of us so don’t feel like it’s just you, it’s just how it is esp with covid. So hang in there and focus on loving yourself, don’t give up - it takes time and patience and meeting a lot of frogs along the way.

LilacNails

Hi op

I've been in a similar situation, and am familiar with those feeling ****ty feels.

My honest opinion. Do not text him. From reading your post it does sound as if he was looking for one thing. You said ye seemed to have a lot in common, no awkward silences, on a first date I wouldn't look too much into that because sometimes people play a lot and try manipulate you into thinking this..... Anything to get the ride. I've been caught myself and felt so silly afterwards too.

Please don't be hard on yourself. You lost your job, put on weight, maybe felt lonely... U were vulnerable when u done this. It's a normal reaction, many do this.

Like others have said, I really think u could work on your self esteem. It's pointless to beat yourself over this. He is who he is, your not his first he's charmed his way into... U know where... And then off he went his merry way.

It's ****e, finding genuine people to start a relationship with is sooo difficult... I'm struggling with this too. Go easy on yourself. Don't dwell over him, sounds like he was out for one thing, this is NOT a reflection on u.

blue note

I don't think he did a whole lot wrong at all. The comment that people are focusing on I guarantee you was not supposed to be insulting. It was very possibly supposed to be a compliment. I've only had a couple of one night stands but the best ones were the ones where the girl had fewer inhibitions. So say it was a blowjob to take an obvious one, I certainly didn't think any less of the girls that did that a few hours after meeting them. To be honest the opposite would be the case, I respected their confidence to do it.

If you don't want to do that or anything else that's obviously fine too. But I definitely wouldn't take what he said as an insult.

YellowLead

blue note wrote: »

<Snip>No need to quote the entire post

It really depends how he said it. If he had just said, wow you are amazing in bed or I love that you did x then fair enough, but it sounds from OP like what he said was more along the lines of I can’t believe you did that with somebody you just met - which is super judgemental. And yes we agree thankfully many men don’t have this attitude. But aside from making that comment, this issue is that he hasn’t reached out to her at all so it would appear he doesn’t want to pursue anything.

Porklife

OP, as it's only been a few days since you guys did the deed, I think sometimes the emotional bond that sex conjures up can linger for women for a few days and can cloud our judgement. I know I've had one night stands with guys I wasn't really into but after a few drinks one thing led to another. I've often bathed in the glow for a few days after imagining scenarios of us riding off into the sunset until that sexual haze kind of lifts and I go... what the hell was I thinking?!! He was horrible! This may be just me and I know you're not proposing marriage to the guy but I think a FWB situation is a really bad idea and I think you'll realise that too once the hazy sexual glow lifts, I really do.
The guys comment could be taken as an insult or a compliment as another poster said above but regardless, it made you feel ****ty and that's what matters. The fact he hasn't contacted you since suggests it was a one night stand for him with no intention of round two. On the plus side, it sounds like you both had fun and you got back in the sack (literally!) after a dry year so good for you lady! I used to have a lot of one night stands and convinced myself I could handle them but deep down I knew I really couldn't. I rarely if ever felt good after a one night stand. I think my only exception would be a holiday fling where you both know exactly what's happening and there are no strings attached. That's sadly not the case with most one night stands because there are strings attached - heartstrings!
I would dust myself off if I was you and keep on swiping. You will meet someone else who you really click with and who will be climbing over himself to call you afterwards. Think about the times you've met someone you really like, you can barely stop yourself from reaching out to them. That's not the case here but is no reflection on you. His comment is no reflection on either of you either, it's just a throw away comment most likely after some throw away sex.
Onwards and upwards OP, you'll feel better soon I promise and you'll be proud that you didn't sell yourself short.

LegacyUser

Ho everyone. OP here. Thank you all so much for your replies, I don't know how to reply to each of your comments individually when I'm anon for this post but really do appreciate the time taken to reply.

I absolutely agree that texting him is a bad idea, as many have said I'm sure he would have text me if he wanted to. Also my confidence is definitely low after the year I've had so last thing I need is more crap. With regards to the comment, I don't think he meant it as a total put down but it was said along the lines of 'jeez X was really great but also cant believe you did that'.I guess that's a ****ty comment whatever way you look at it. Anyway, I cant promise I won't text as I seem to be a glutton for punishment but at least I know now the general consensus is that he's not interested and that's that I suppose.

Porklife

Anongall88 wrote: »

<Snip>No need to quote the entire post.

How would you feel if you knew that he wasn't interested in a relationship with you but wouldn't mind casually hooking up sometimes?
If you genuinely feel you're ok with that arrangement and think you're able to handle it then by all means text away. Bear in mind he may not reply though or he may reject you. I just hope you dont do yourself a disservice and damage your self esteem further.
Either way, keep your options open. I think someone way better is in store for you and you'll look back and wonder why you pursued something without much potential.
I hope it works out Op, I just have a feeling it wont be with this particular guy.

ted1

rainbowtrout wrote: »

So he put you down for having a one night stand with him,

I think it may be that it was more than vanilla sex. So he panicked abit.

Look op call him , see what happens. You come across as a nice person( reasonable and balanced )

tara73

I see big trouble ahead if you continue with this guy.

I can read between the lines you are definately not up for just a hook up, deep inside you wish for a loving, trustful relationship. not particular with this guy, he's just there at the moment, but in general. Otherwise you woudn't have opened this thread here anyway. So don't do this to you, don't hurt yourself with such arrangements.

And to note, I think you don't have to worry you will not hear from him again, I would bet my house on it he will be contacting you when he's in the mood again and wanting sex. He kind of looked down on you for doing what you did, but exactly for that part he will not forget your encounter and most probably wants to see what else will be there on the table for him.

Pretty low character standard from my point of view, so please, please don't give in when he asks to meet again, he's just using you for sex and has the cheek to subtly put you down after it. Unpleasant behaviour which nobody needs.

Calypso Realm

Anongall88 wrote: »

Anyway, I cant promise I won't text as I seem to be a glutton for punishment but at least I know now the general consensus is that he's not interested and that's that I suppose.

Yes, you CAN by deleting his number now! Listen to what your gut is telling you, instead. Have some dignity and self-respect and for your own sake, please do not contact this guy ever again. He's clearly not interested and believe me you will look very foolish if you do. Don't mean to be harsh, but I actually cringed when I read your were even considering this.

In addition, are you sure he's not already attached as I find it odd he left so soon after your encounter?

YellowLead

Calypso Realm wrote: »

<Snip>No need to quote the entire post.

I would echo the don’t text advice - you might feel so much better after deleting his number and can move on. It can be cathartic!!! If you really feel you need some kind of closure to send a text, then something like ‘I had a fun time on x day, I was a little surprised you didn’t get in touch with me after but hey no big deal. I’m moving on so I’m not open to hearing from you again, but I wish you all the best’ though really I think you should delete the number as your closure, and remind yourself you are worthy of a guy who cares about you.

Tork

I would be very surprised if this ends in anything other than regrets for you. This guy's behaviour is straight out of the "charm her into bed" textbook and you've fallen for it hook, line and sinker. If you want to text him, go right ahead. Just don't fool yourself into thinking that anything more substantial than a few rolls in the hay will come of this. Friends with Benefits is fine if both people in the arrangement are on the same page. It's as clear as day that you aren't and it's time you were honest with yourself. I remember somebody here talking about what he and his friends called "F*ck me til you like me" girls. The name is pretty self-explanatory but more importantly for you, are you in danger of becoming one of those?

Porklife

Tork wrote: »

<Snip>No need to quote the entire post.

Wow, I've never heard that expression before - **** me till you like me but boy does that sum it up in the most nasty yet apt way! If I ever find myself in that position again where I'm considering settling for second best or scraps of affection, I'll remember that Tork and delete delete delete!!
I was that girl on more the one occasion and I can tell ya they never ended up liking me. Reality is, at the times in my life I was having one night stands hoping for love and stability, I didn't like myself very much. Its a cliche for a reason if you don't love yourself you can't expect anybody else to. Another tip a male friend of mine gave me last year after I had slept with a guy and not heard from him was to change his name in my phone to "Desperado". He was referring to me being desperate not the guy. I refused to delete the number and was fighting the urge to message him. It actually worked. Every time I felt like texting him I'd see the word Desperado and I'd stop myself. I eventually deleted him and felt much better.
Op, you sound lovely.. and great in bed might I add...on to the next lucky guy I say!

Calypso Realm

YellowLead wrote: »

I would echo the don’t text advice - you might feel so much better after deleting his number and can move on. It can be cathartic!!! If you really feel you need some kind of closure to send a text, then something like ‘I had a fun time on x day, I was a little surprised you didn’t get in touch with me after but hey no big deal. I’m moving on so I’m not open to hearing from you again, but I wish you all the best’ though really I think you should delete the number as your closure, and remind yourself you are worthy of a guy who cares about you.

No, far better to DELETE and move on.

The above reeks of 'I've been waiting for to get in touch and now, since you haven't, I've decided to move on'. He'll see through this right away. A great ego-boost for him!

Silence here conveys a far better message.Do nothing at all!

YellowLead

Porklife wrote: »

<Snip>No need to quote the entire post

I’ve been doing that change the name thing this year too I usually change it to something like dick face. Probably very immature of me but it deffo helps. Then you feel better enabled to delete also.

Tork

YellowLead wrote: »

... If you really feel you need some kind of closure to send a text, then something like ‘I had a fun time on x day, I was a little surprised you didn’t get in touch with me after but hey no big deal. I’m moving on so I’m not open to hearing from you again, but I wish you all the best’ .

If I had a one night stand with somebody who I wasn't interested in seeing again, I'd look at that text and think "Wow, bullet dodged there Tork". Especially the bit about moving on. That implies that there was something more to the encounter than a few hours of no-strings attached fun. All that has happened here is that the OP got a bit too attached. I've had really nice conversations with salesmen selling me televisions and washing machines in electrical shops. I'm not naive enough to think that it was a genuine connection - they just wanted to sell me electrical goods and it's their job to be charming.

Porklife

YellowLead wrote: »

I’ve been doing that change the name thing this year too I usually change it to something like dick face. Probably very immature of me but it deffo helps. Then you feel better enabled to delete also.

Haha it really works doesn't it! I just couldn't bring myself to text 'Desperado'
I think one night stands are called one night stands for a good reason.. the clue is in the title! Have your one night of fun then it's so long suckers!

leggo

YellowLead wrote: »

I would echo the don’t text advice - you might feel so much better after deleting his number and can move on. It can be cathartic!!! If you really feel you need some kind of closure to send a text, then something like ‘I had a fun time on x day, I was a little surprised you didn’t get in touch with me after but hey no big deal. I’m moving on so I’m not open to hearing from you again, but I wish you all the best’ though really I think you should delete the number as your closure, and remind yourself you are worthy of a guy who cares about you.

I’ll be brutally honest: if I got that text, my impression would be that that person would drop everything for me in a heartbeat and any lingering doubts I may have had that I made a bad call would be gone. It comes across as a bad combination of desperate and confrontational, so now even if I felt bad and wanted to give some closure, I don’t even want to write back to that text because it feels like I’m walking into an argument. Or worse the confrontational aspect will be dropped and it’ll be all smiles, suggesting this is someone who’ll play games and start drama to try get attention. And the worst part is that experience has taught me that if you respond to drama, those people then tend to learn that that’s something you do and start it every time you’re not giving them what they want.

“**** me til you love me”, shamefully, is a phrase myself and old flatmates of mine had in our 20’s for girls that would give you everything you wanted in the hope that you’d change your mind and like them enough to commit one day, with the caveat being that the more they give the less you respect them and want to commit. I shared it on here before because it’s a particularly blunt eye-opener about how people’s minds work in these kind of situations. As stated, don’t be one of these people OP. This lad sounds like exactly the kind of person who thinks along these lines, so the fact we’re now here in the discussion can kinda indicate that this is only going to end in hurt if you even try pursue it.

But learn the right lessons from this too: you weren’t wrong to do whatever you did that night. The right person will value that and still respect you. This guy just isn’t that. His loss.

YellowLead

Tork wrote: »

If I had a one night stand with somebody who I wasn't interested in seeing again, I'd look at that text and think "Wow, bullet dodged there Tork". Especially the bit about moving on. That implies that there was something more to the encounter than a few hours of no-strings attached fun. All that has happened here is that the OP got a bit too attached. I've had really nice conversations with salesmen selling me televisions and washing machines in electrical shops. I'm not naive enough to think that it was a genuine connection - they just wanted to sell me electrical goods and it's their job to be charming.

Agreed, sorry that was bad advice on re-reading! It just sounded like the OP was determined to text something. Sorry OP ignore that advice 🙈

bitofabind

Hey OP. I’m picking up on a lot of negative self beliefs here that seem to be dictating your dating behaviour and your attitude towards this man who clearly is a complete waste of time.

Do you believe the following:
Dating is hard and I never have any luck with men
Dating is hard and I have to go along with things when I do meet someone because it’s so hard to keep someone interested in me
I’m a bit overweight so shouldn’t have high standards with men right now because I don’t deserve them
I should be lucky anyone is interested in me
If anyone expresses interest in me I should try to make things work regardless of who he is or what he’s offering
I may as well have casual sex when it’s available because having standards around this stuff means I’ll never meet anyone

When you’ve got low self worth, you tend to believe these things about yourself and about the world. You tend to ignore your own needs pretty much constantly and wait for others to inform you as to who you are and what you’re worth. I also know what it’s like to be long term single too, and how that can play into these beliefs. Looking for someone who treats you well, wants the same things and thinks you’re amazing and wonderful seems like looking for a unicorn.

First off, be compassionate towards yourself. This has been a hard year for you. You are so deserving of love and respect. The problem is twofold: you haven’t been giving yourself that love and respect, and you’ve ended up looking for it in the WRONG places because of these beliefs. Guaranteed you won’t hear from this guy again. He was just looking to get his rocks off. Let him go, delete his number and vow to put yourself first from now on. Look out for yourself. Get clear on what your needs are. What feels good and safe for you when it comes to sex? Does casual sex tend to result in these headfcuky painful situations? If they do, there’s your first healthy boundary. No more sex until it’s on your terms. When some trust and familiarity has built up. Perfectly reasonable, and will screen out chancers like this guy.

Building up your self confidence and self worth is a life long endeavour. It takes a while. I took years off dating and started therapy, confronted some really painful emotions I’d been burying for years. Didn’t miss the crap ONS or flaky men for a minute. Got clear on what my values were and what a good life looked like for me. Met someone who affirmed all of those things. It is possible. But you need to promise yourself that you’ll leave self destructive dating behaviours behind, even and especially when you’re lonely and at a low ebb. Promise that you won’t give in to instant gratification because you’re lonely and someone has half expressed interest in you. That you’ll date on your terms, and walk away from situations that harm you and ignore your needs.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I am sorry if this is going to hurt your feelings but maybe the guy was right in a sense? Say it was a bl*wjob and you did that to him after only knowing him for a few hours, unprotected. How do you know he had no STDs and was in the all clear? How could you possibly know you didn't pick something up from him?
Perhaps that's where he was coming from saying what he said. I am a woman myself, single and with an extremely high sex drive, and yet I remember there are things that are safe and that aren't. Engaging in protected sex doesn't give you a 100% guarantee you won't end up preggers or pick something up, but it's close to 100%, whereas some acts are absolutely irresponsible in that regard.

Dial Hard

forgone_andgone wrote: »

Hi OP, I am sorry if this is going to hurt your feelings but maybe the guy was right in a sense? Say it was a bl*wjob and you did that to him after only knowing him for a few hours, unprotected. How do you know he had no STDs and was in the all clear? How could you possibly know you didn't pick something up from him?
Perhaps that's where he was coming from saying what he said. I am a woman myself, single and with an extremely high sex drive, and yet I remember there are things that are safe and that aren't. Engaging in protected sex doesn't give you a 100% guarantee you won't end up preggers or pick something up, but it's close to 100%, whereas some acts are absolutely irresponsible in that regard.

Even if this is what happened, he happily went along with all of it so he's still a massive bloody hypocrite if that is the case. Safe sex isn't the sole responsibility of any one party in a hook-up scenario.

Katgurl

Please ignore that foregone person. He was not right, he was a hypocrite.

Op never ever let someone persuade you into bed. Go to bed with someone if you want to go to bed with them. Don't go to bed with them because they want to and you have a rubber arm. Don't go to bed with them because you want something more.

Don't text him. He's not interested. That's a reflection of him, not you. After the remarks he made I don't know why you would be interested in him.

As a pp said, congrats on getting back on the horse after a dry spell. Throw this one back to sea and have fun being back out there.

YellowLead

Katgurl wrote: »

Please ignore that foregone person. He was not right, he was a hypocrite .

Surprisingly forgone has said she is female! A shocking attitude from a man and even more so a woman - that only a woman is responsible for safe sex! He was taking a risk too (if indeed this was even the activity) as there is oral gonnhorea (can’t spell that sorry) and other conditions so pot kettle black etc. He can’t judge her and remain unjudged.

TheadoreT

Yeah was a crap thing for him to say. Even in the unlikely event of anything happening would you really be proud to be with someone that tactless?

I will say I've never had a relationship spawn from a one night stand, a few FWB situations sure but nothing more. Any relationship I've had either came from being a friend first or through a handful of dates before sex. Having zero will power I'd usually suggest it after the first date though. I'm not sure if I've had less of a connection with the ones that I had sex with on first date, or we had less time to develop a connection. Or something on a subconscious level that I'm less respectful/trustful of women who have sex on a first date. I'd really hope it's not that but perhaps it's somewhat predisposed in mens minds. Like we'd like to see ourselves as the woke feminist and comment in forums in a likeable way but when it comes down to it I think that attitude is ingrained in a lot of men.

Either way it doesnt sound like casual situations are for you OP so I think trying to develop more of a friendship first would be advisable .

seenitall

^ People with low self-esteem don’t develop friendship first. Their desperation in looking for acceptance leads them into choosing the nearest, the most immediately available ‘hook’ that they imagine will get someone to appreciate them and love them. And that hook is very often sex. They can’t see the bigger picture of how unhealthy this is because they are too consumed by their intense needs. The only way for someone like this to grow and get themselves out of this vicious cycle is to stop looking for other people to fulfil them and start doing it themselves. No dating for a while, just start ‘dating’ yourself for a change. And this is very, very difficult for them to do, it is not unlike breaking an addiction. They don’t want to date themselves, because they don’t like themselves. So a vicious cycle of indiscriminate dating, unsatisfying hookups and feeling used and inadequate is what it is.

Katgurl

YellowLead wrote: »

Surprisingly forgone has said she is female! A shocking attitude from a man and even more so a woman - that only a woman is responsible for safe sex! He was taking a risk too (if indeed this was even the activity) as there is oral gonnhorea (can’t spell that sorry) and other conditions so pot kettle black etc. He can’t judge her and remain unjudged.

Oh yes I know forgive is female, I meant OP's guy. And I totally agree with the rest of your post.