Opinions needed

Mrstcup

Hi, I’m at a cross roads and torn. I found out my partner has been WhatsApping cam girls to see when they be online. He had an onlyfans account and a adult work accounts. He was sexting these cam girls also on Snapchat, while he was with me throughout our relationship. I found out as we were watching a video on his phone when a text came through and I questioned him on it. He admitted to everything and apologised. He said he had been doing this years before he met me and sees it as a form of pornography.

I’m sick to my stomach especially WhatsApping each other. Opinions welcomed

racso1975

Never have a problem with someone watching a bit of porn.

What you partner is doing is not even in the same dimension as above. He is paying these girls and is sexting them behind your back. Its way out of line tbh.

Next part is up to you though. Do you think this is something that is acceptable and do you think it is something you can get over and move on from.

Mrstcup

Never had a problem with porn. It’s the WhatsApping that I find unacceptable as it’s extremely personal and have his mobile number. He has changed his number and was in tears when I threatened to walk away.

I don’t know if I’m making a bigger issue than what it is. Maybe I’m looking for advice on how bad it is or how bad it’s not.

These are camgirls and not your average woman from down the street

Mrstcup

I would like to add that they knew a lot about me because they were able to tell me things about myself. Hair colour, my name etc., he spoke to them about me which I don’t know if that strange or not. He told them he loved me and wanted to marry me. This is why I’m very confused by it all and his actions.
Strange behaviour!!!!
I texted them and this is how they were able to tell me these things

PopZiggy

Get it into perspective. He came clean, which is a positive in it's own right.

Do you love him?

If the answer is yes then you need to really take your time considering the following.

Do you think he has paid for sex? Do you think he is sexting non cam girls?

If the answer is no, then let me give you some insight into how some men think.

They would regard cam girls as a kind of "advanced porn", they are not physically sleeping with them etc. Whilst it is not right, I would imagine many men would not see it as cheating, but it is near the line. It is also sad he is wasting his money like this that could be used for more constructive things.

I'd say the vast majority of men under 40 frequently watch porn secretly these days and certainly wouldn't regard it as cheating on their partners. Cam girls normally feature on such sites, and some men get carried away in the spur of the moment.

I would advise you to talk to him, and if you are confident it is nothing further than cam girls, agree on boundaries and then move on. If you love him then don't wreck the relationship over this.

GarIT

I'd be saying Slan leat agus go raibh maith agat.

Mrstcup

Thank you

I am his first serious relationship. He is very kind and sensitive person. He struggles to open up to things and has be doing this most of his adult life. These women are based in England and Spain.

It’s just the WhatsApping that has hurt me the most. When I text them the instantly text him to say who is this and he said this is my gf. Wha I find strange is he spoke about me a lot to them. Is this odd ????

Yea I do love him but I’m shocked

Sardonicat

These aren't abstract images on a screen, these are real women he engaged in sexting with. The fact he pays them to do it, for me, is neither here nor there. He had conversations with them, intimate and personal and discussed your private lives. The fact he sees it the same as porn would worry me. As another poster said above , its about how you feel about it, whether you can get past it, that matters. Does it feel ok to you? Do you think it's right, normal to do this when in a relationship? Do you see it the same as looking at porn? How do you feel about him discussing you with these women? Has he crossed any of your boundaries?

Mrstcup

He would text one to say when would she be online and he would go into a group chat with other guys.
The other women is something you see out of euro trash!!! They wouldn’t give him the time of day in real life to be honest. In a way I’m glad he has told them about me...
before I met him he has never really been in a relationship. Maybe a few months and that would he it. He is in his late 30’s like myself.

Mrstcup

I don’t know if he’s stupid or what. He has changed his number and has apologised saying he intent wasn’t to hurt me and it was more out of habit and boredom. He was more active during lockdown then before.

I do love him an we a great together maybe I’m making a bigger thing out of this than what it is. I don’t know. Just trying to process it and understand it better

PopZiggy

Mrstcup wrote: »

Thank you

I am his first serious relationship. He is very kind and sensitive person. He struggles to open up to things and has be doing this most of his adult life. These women are based in England and Spain.

It’s just the WhatsApping that has hurt me the most. When I text them the instantly text him to say who is this and he said this is my gf. Wha I find strange is he spoke about me a lot to them. Is this odd ????

Yea I do love him but I’m shocked

In what what did he speak about you to them?

If you are his first serious relationship then maybe he was using porn and cm girls to satisfy his needs before you met. He may even be slightly addicted (as an awful lot of men are to porn etc) and possibly will find it hard to wean himself off. I would talk to him and be rationale and supporting. If he hasn't physically slept with someone else then he might not have seen it as cheating.

To the posters saying "slean leat" that is easier said than done when the person is really important to you.

Mrstcup

I spoke directly to them.
I never said my name but I said I was his gf. They said oh yes hi “insert my name”
They could tell me my hair colour and said your bf said that he loves you and make him very happy and that you and him were house hunting and he is very excited for the future.

The other said he told me you are gorgeous and make him happy.

This kind of freaked me out what the first person said was all true ye we are house hunting and that my name is correct

This is what I don’t get - who pays to chat to women and speaks to them about his gf.

Mrstcup

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate it. I think I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt due to be inexperienced in a relationship. I have spoken to him about my boundaries and he has promised to cop on or I’ll be gone if it happens again

Thanks everyone

PopZiggy

Mrstcup wrote: »

I spoke directly to them.
I never said my name but I said I was his gf. They said oh yes hi “insert my name”
They could tell me my hair colour and said your bf said that he loves you and make him very happy and that you and him were house hunting and he is very excited for the future.

The other said he told me you are gorgeous and make him happy.

This kind of freaked me out what the first person said was all true ye we are house hunting and that my name is correct

This is what I don’t get - who pays to chat to women and speaks to them about his gf.

He is obviously very fond of you (in love with you) if he talks about you to these girls in such a manner. It is unusual but people do strange things online. Look these girls are entertainers in a way and perhaps he felt he could tell them about his usual life as a topic of conversation. Some men probably use these girls as company on top of satisfying their urges.

From my perspective, talk with him, clear the air and move on.

Augme

PopZiggy wrote: »

Get it into perspective. He came clean, which is a positive in it's own right.

Yea..... I'm not quite sure coming clean after getting caught red handed is as impressive as you make it sound.

seenitall

Hi OP,

IMO this is one of those instances where any third party can really offer you very little input or insight. It will all come down to you, your feelings and views, and whether you can live with this and can get past it. Because I imagine there are some people out there for whom this wouldn’t be a huge deal to find out about a boyfriend, some people see this kind of activity as a sort of an enhanced porn viewing experience, while for others it is absolutely crossing a red line of communication with the girls and a betrayal of a couple’s intimacy. There is no right or wrong view, you will need to process this for yourself and arrive at your own stance on it.

I think it more or less comes down to what sex represents to you; is it more about intimacy in a relationship or can you detach from it enough to see it as sometimes being something separate from your relationship. I don’t think I could do that in a relationship, I’m afraid I would see it as a huge betrayal of our intimacy together, and my trust would be shattered. But as I said, many people can and do detach from it enough to be able to tolerate or accept it. It’s up to you. Just don’t let yourself be manipulated, guilted or pressured either way; your feelings and thoughts on it are just as valid as your boyfriend’s urge to get his kicks the way he likes to get them. Best of luck with it.

Mrstcup

Hi thank you for your reply

Deep down, the cam part wouldn’t also be an issue as it’s no different to me then masturbating to a blue movie. In terms of sex., I can detach myself from it as I had my fair share of one night stands. It’s the WhatsApping I have a problem with as it’s his mobile number and the same place I would contact him.

I do have to give him the benefit of the doubt. He has been warned never to do this again or I’ll be gone and no excuses or tears will save him the next time

seenitall

Fair enough, and I’m glad if this thread helped you

I hope it all works out for you both.

cannotlogin

He doesn't really sound like the wisest!

I'd have no issue with porn either, random people who he'll never meet, talk to. This is different where fantasy and reality have got mixed up and they have his phone number. I'm presuming he's paying for it as well, which considering all the free stuff available I'll never understand that.

Sounds like you know where your boundaries are and that if it continues, you'll be gone. Just stick to that. Everyone deserves one chance, not two or more.

Jequ0n

Op I assume you are fully aware that you are just at the beginning of the road here? Put aside how and why he came clean (getting caught is a factor, you realise there is a point when lies can’t work).
Changing the number does not change the problem if this is a long lived habit/ pattern because it obviously gives him something that he needs/ craves. He’ll fall back to the same behaviour in no time if he doesn’t deal with the underlying issues.

There are much smarter ways for this carry on than WhatsApp as well. If I was him I’d just a more discreet communication channel and turn off notifications when home so this doesn’t happen again.

Best of luck!

Mrstcup

Is it a habit, addiction or what. I don’t know why he would do it when you can get porn for free. It is sneaky behaviour. What is the purpose of it especially paying a lot of money on onlyfans and adult works.

Mrstcup

Maybe I’m trying to understand why go down this route of porn. It’s mostly two women and he has been in chatting to her years before I ever met him. That one is like I said euro trash - plastic in every way and the other one is well on in her years. I asked him about one and he said she is easy to talk to

Tork

Being inexperienced in relationships is a ridiculous excuse and you know that deep down. He knew what he was doing and that it was disrespectful to you and your relationship. So either he is a bit stupid (a turnoff in my book) or he's not as committed to this as you are. He might just cleverer and not get caught next time. Still it's your relationship, not ours.

arrianalexander

Mrstcup wrote: »

Maybe I’m trying to understand why go down this route of porn. It’s mostly two women and he has been in chatting to her years before I ever met him. That one is like I said euro trash - plastic in every way and the other one is well on in her years. I asked him about one and he said she is easy to talk to

The changing of the number would alarm me, he didn't need to change number to stop, it seemed an over the top reaction to get temptation out of his hands. You need to talk about this, just accepting it won't do anyone any good and is increasing the chances you'll be in the exact same position down the line.

He needs to be an adult about the situation. Reason why he did it and why he won't do it again. Unless he is honest why he did it, he will just do it again.

Pouring drink down a sink won't solve anything, you'll just buy another drink.

Mrstcup

We had our rows over this. He’s friend told him that he needs to nail this on the head in regards to me bringing it up

Do you think he would do it again and I’m best pulling the plug on this relationship. I honestly don’t know.
He has “other” issues before he meet me meaning he use to pay for sex through his 20 and 30’s as he never had a gf.

Mrstcup

I ask them and he said it was out of habit and because he was a selfish “p..ck”.

Mrstcup

I asked him to change his number for my reassurance

Jequ0n

His past is his past and shouldn’t factor. It’s what he does now is the important bit. He is giving you convenient answers but that won’t solve your problem.

Find out why he needs this extra attention and why he doesn’t get it from you, there is obviously something missing

Mrstcup

He’s past tells a story of the type of person he is and his behaviour. What he doesn’t get off me is basketball boobs and the other crap the do on this site.

Sardonicat

Mrstcup wrote: »

He’s past tells a story of the type of person he is and his behaviour. What he doesn’t get off me is basketball boobs and the other crap the do on this site.

Do you think he's entitled to them? Do you think his sexual preferences should trump his requirements to remain faithful to you? No one's partner ticks all the boxes of their ideal type of sexually desirable body. That doesn't entitle them to seek it elsewhere. By the way, that's a disgusting way to speak about women"s bodies. Is that his expression? He doesn't seem to realise that he's having real interactions with real women and frankly that disturbs me.

Mrstcup

He didn’t call them that - I did

Sardonicat

Mrstcup wrote: »

He didn’t call them that - I did

Why would you use such disgusting expressions to talk about women's bodies? You sound like you see these women in the abstract as much as your partner, i.e., not as actual people. Maybe that's how you are able to square what he has done with yourself, I dont know. Do you regard your own body in the same way, a set if component parts that can be categorised into different types that appeal to male taste?

shameless liberal

It sounds as though he has found a loving, healthy relationship and is in love with you. The idea of losing you seems to have caused for him deep and genuine regret and panic from your description and it seems that he is willing and keen to remedy this in any way that he can.

This may be over-reach, but it sounds as though maybe he has suffered from low self-esteem for some time. You mention that he had no previous relationships and paid sex workers when he was younger. He sounds like he has quite a bit of negative self-talk also.

These online women seem to have a genuine respect for him (in so far as the paid interaction allows) and they seem happy for him to have found you. Weird as it sounds, if he was a pr__k or degrading to them they are unlikely to have that ???friendship??? with him??

It's a funny one. It's likely a habit that he was in that on some level he knew was wrong, but he rationalised as more pornography than infidelity and I guess all of that is on a spectrum and interpreted best by those involved.

Based on everything you said, the power is in your hands and you potentially have a genuinely remorseful guy here who lost his way/didn't adapt new habits and shed this habit once he was in a serious relationship with you. I'd be inclined, based on what you've said, to evaluate how happy I am in this relationship with him and if feeling like it's the best choice, to cautiously move forward. Though I don't mean to be directive in any way here.

In short, potentially a nice guy, maybe insecure and naive, sounds remorseful and that he loves you.

Mrstcup

Sardonicat wrote: »

Why would you use such disgusting expressions to talk about women's bodies? You sound like you see these women in the abstract as much as dyour partner, i.e., not as actual people. Maybe that's how you are able to square what he has done with yourself, I dont know. Do you regard your own body in the same way, a set if component parts that can be categorised into different types that appeal to male taste?

I hardly think basketball boobs is a disgusting word.

GarIT

Mrstcup wrote: »

Is it a habit, addiction or what. I don’t know why he would do it when you can get porn for free. It is sneaky behaviour. What is the purpose of it especially paying a lot of money on onlyfans and adult works.

There's no emotional connection or feeling for porn and that's what he is after.

You mentioned he pays one of them because she is easy to talk to, he's just after a 2nd girlfriend that he likes talking to because he doesn't want that from his main one.

Sardonicat

Mrstcup wrote: »

I hardly think basketball boobs is a disgusting word.

I disagree. Its a disgusting expression. Its very sad to see women using nasty, porno phrases to describe each other and themselves. Which brings me back to my question, how do you regard your own body? Do you see it as good enough for him? Do you think if you had bigger breasts he wouldn't have done it?

Mrstcup

.

In short, potentially a nice guy, maybe insecure and naive, sounds remorseful and that he loves you.[/quote]

Thank you, he has booked an appointment to chat to a counsellor and I have asked him for us to go too.

He does suffer from low self esteem and can be very anxious as well.

Mrstcup

Sardonicat wrote: »

I disagree. Its a disgusting expression. Its very sad to see women using nasty, porno phrases to describe each other and themselves. Which brings me back to my question, how do you regard your own body? Do you see it as good enough for him? Do you think if you had bigger breasts he wouldn't have done it?

We obviously have different opinions on what words are offensive

Sorry but I couldn't be with someone who regularly paid for sex for decades.
That's just me.

Mrstcup

GarIT wrote: »

There's no emotional connection or feeling for porn and that's what he is after.

You mentioned he pays one of them because she is easy to talk to, he's just after a 2nd girlfriend that he likes talking to because he doesn't want that from his main one.

He pays for the two women but said one was easy to chat to. She’s much older in her 50’s

Sorry I didn’t understand your reply

Mrstcup

bubblypop wrote: »

Sorry but I couldn't be with someone who regularly paid for sex for decades.
That's just me.

That’s understandable but I have a past too and had plenty one night stands that would shock him to his core.

Sardonicat

Mrstcup wrote: »

We obviously have different opinions on what words are offensive

My question was in relation to how you regard your own body, you seem reluctant to answer, which I fine. But I think the answer can explain why he would think it's ok to do this.

Tork

I understand very clearly what GarIT is saying

Sardonicat

Mrstcup wrote: »

That’s understandable but I have a past too and had plenty one night stands that would shock him to his core.

That's very, very different from paying for sex.

shameless liberal

Mrstcup wrote: »

He pays for the two women but said one was easy to chat to. She’s much older in her 50’s

Sorry I didn’t understand your reply

May be totally off the mark here, but it sounds as though maybe this is how he felt desirable for quite some time. Not in any way a shortcoming on your part, but after so many years without romantic affection, maybe this is how he met that need. The older woman's positive affirmation maybe helps him.

You mention he's lined up to see a counsellor. I hope it helps him! This sounds to me, from what you've said, like something that might help him a lot! Fair play to you for supporting him to do that.

Mrstcup

Sardonicat wrote: »

My question was in relation to how you regard your own body, you seem reluctant to answer, which I fine. But I think the answer can explain why he would think it's ok to do this.

Sorry about not replying - like most women, are they truly happy with their bodies or face ??? Ye I’d love perfect teeth or a washboard stomach

Mrstcup

Sardonicat wrote: »

That's very, very different from paying for sex.

I got my rock and roll for free. But same end result.
What he done before me I can’t change. What he does when he is with me is my business

Mrstcup

Tork wrote: »

I understand very clearly what GarIT is saying

I’m not easy to talk too ??

Jequ0n

Even if you find the other birds less attractive than yourself it doesnt take away the fact that he sees them differently or else they wouldnt be his **** material of choice.


tbh the communication/ exchange of details and personal information is far more concerning than the sexual aspect but you can keep ignoring it if thats what you want to do.

GarIT

Mrstcup wrote: »

I’m not easy to talk too ??

I'm saying that even if he's not physically cheating he is emotionally cheating, and paying for it when he could get it for free from you if he wanted to or made the effort.

He's either a real idiot or doesn't have the same emotional connection to you.

Mrstcup

You mention he's lined up to see a counsellor. I hope it helps him! This sounds to me, from what you've said, like something that might help him a lot! Fair play to you for supporting him to do that.[/quote]


Thank you, I’m trying my best to understand all this as I never experienced this in any relationship before.