Do your siblings have anything to do with your partners?

LegacyUser

I met my partner 4 years ago and we hit it off well from the start. We are a heterosexual couple, not that would make a difference.

It's just after dawning on me that my brother has never accepted my partner. Not once in these 4 years did my brother welcome him. They said hello in passing but that was it. My brother never once asked about him or talked to him or had any conversation with him. Not only has there been no acceptance of my partner in the real world, I am friends with my brother on Facebook and not once has he liked a picture of me and my partner as a couple or any other post. I don't usually put any emphasis on social media and the amount of likes but there wasn't one `like` in four years. My issue with social media is that not only is there no acceptance of my partner in the real world, there's no involvement on social media. My posts or pictures are not ones that are boosting and showing off either. The pictures are organic and couple pictures. I'm finding that very hard to get my head around. I get on reasonably well with my brother and I can't think of any row we had for him to not accept my partner. My partner has done nothing on him to be shunned with that silence.

My partners family was very welcoming of me. I also see on Facebook on friends pages, I see family and couples pictures and a mix of family and couples and people getting on well. I'm finding it hard to understand how my brother never once welcomed my partner except for hello once or twice.

rainbowtrout

It's not very clear what the situation is here. Is it the case that you see your brother socially and he just doesn't speak to your partner on those occasions, or does he turn down invites to your home etc? You seem to be a little dependent on validation through likes on Facebook, I don't like all the photos my brother puts on FB of himself and his girlfriend, but I don't do that for other people either. Your brother might just not care about FB that much.

Big Bag of Chips

I agree, it's hard to tell if you have legitimate cause for concern. Does your brother 'like' your photos without your partner in them?

Maybe he just doesn't like him. That's OK, and he doesn't have to. Nothing specific needs to have happened, but your brother just mightn't gel with him.

I have 4 siblings. My husband would be friendly with 1 of them. Not so much the others. He has 5 siblings, I'm not particularly friendly with any of them but am very close to his sister-in-law (his brother's wife).

It's nice when families are all close and friendly with each other, but it's not essential. Your partner is in a relationship with you. He doesn't need your brother to accept him in order for your relationship to succeed.

So long as he's not openly hostile to him then it's not actually a problem.

LegacyUser

My issue is that my brother is cold and distant with my partner. He is polite when they meet but its quick and cold and distant. In the 4 years that I've been with my partner, my brother has made no effort to try and get to know him or to ask him how he is. The pair of them are strangers. They know each other and they know of each other but they are strangers. This is also coupled with no involvement on social media. My brother hasn't liked one couple picture in the 4 years of my relationship and it's literally a smack in the face to have my partner shunned like this. He could have liked a picture in them years.

Telly

My partner gets on great with all my family, they all love him and we've all been on holidays together or they've stayed in our house. I couldnt imagine that not happening and like you it would upset me. Why not talk to your brother about it. He might not even notice or maybe there is an issue you dont know about? Would they have known each other before you got together?

Big Bag of Chips

You can't change your brother. Just say you have a chat with him. You tell him how you think he needs to make more of an effort with your partner. You tell him he needs to 'like' a few photos. And he does. But he only does it because you've told him to. It doesn't change his base feelings of not being that interested in your partner. And he's really only doing it because you told him to.

Would that be better in your eyes?

Is this an issue for your partner? If it is, why not let him, as an adult man, address it with him himself.

Sonic the Shaghog

Being honest you sound absolutely dramatic "a slap in the face cause he's being shunned" come on

Facebook isn't real life. Your brother says hello and is polite that's more than enough. It could be simply a case he has zero in common with your partner so has nothing to say, that's fine once he's polite

Sardonicat

OPmilkandcookiesOP wrote: »

My issue is that my brother is cold and distant with my partner. He is polite when they meet but its quick and cold and distant. In the 4 years that I've been with my partner, my brother has made no effort to try and get to know him or to ask him how he is. The pair of them are strangers. They know each other and they know of each other but they are strangers. This is also coupled with no involvement on social media. My brother hasn't liked one couple picture in the 4 years of my relationship and it's literally a smack in the face to have my partner shunned like this. He could have liked a picture in them years.

There is no problem here. Your brother has no obligation to get to know your partner, he isn't in a relationship with him, you are. As long as he's polite that is all that is required. Does your partner even care?

Stop worrying about social media likes. They aren't real and dont mean anything.

TheadoreT

If your brother is otherwise courteous and you two never fall out over anything then perhaps the problem is your boyfriends, his personality or something he may have done to upset your brother.

Have you talked to him about it? Don't mention the social media stuff because that's absolute nonsense and reflects poorly on you here but maybe say something along the lines of

"my boyfriend hasnt said anything about this but I've noticed you've never made a big effort with him beyond pleasantries, is there any reason?"

People here are saying he is not in a relationship with your brother so theres no need but it always reflects well on a friend or family member when they make an effort with a partner, I'd do it for them so would expect it in return.

osarusan

It sounds more like civility than hostility to me, and this idea of the partner being 'shunned' seems overwrought.

In my own case, I'd see my sister-in-law maybe twice a year when they come home from abroad for a short holiday (Christmas and summer maybe) and I'd get on grand with her, no problem making conversations, but the relatonship is always going to be very shallow.

Is this something your partner notices and is affected by themselves, or is it more of an issue for you than them?

ztoical

Its hard to give advice OP without knowing how your relationship with your brother normally is. Are you close? Do you hang out socially together? Has he been close to previous partners? Have you gone out of your way to be nice to his partners? Does he like all your pictures on facebook except the ones with your partner in them?

Some siblings are close and hang out socially and are very involved with their siblings extended circle of friends and partners and others not so much, some only see each other at family events. if you and your brother are normally close then yes maybe he doesn't like your partner for some reason but if you aren't normally super close then it doesn't sound like a massive issue.

Sardonicat

TheadoreT wrote: »

If your brother is otherwise courteous and you two never fall out over anything then perhaps the problem is your boyfriends, his personality or something he may have done to upset your brother.

Have you talked to him about it? Don't mention the social media stuff because that's absolute nonsense and reflects poorly on you here but maybe say something along the lines of

"my boyfriend hasnt said anything about this but I've noticed you've never made a big effort with him beyond pleasantries, is there any reason?"

People here are saying he is not in a relationship with your brother so theres no need but it always reflects well on a friend or family member when they make an effort with a partner, I'd do it for them so would expect it in return.

But he is making an effort. He's being polite. There have been threads in here discussing how empty a 'fake' friendship is. Trying to make friends with someone because they are in a relationship with your sibling is just that, fake. The brother may just not like the boyfriend, and that's ok. There may be a history between the two of them in which case he's being a great brother by being polite and biting his lip. It would have nothing to do with the OP, though.

rainbowtrout

OPmilkandcookiesOP wrote: »

My issue is that my brother is cold and distant with my partner. He is polite when they meet but its quick and cold and distant. In the 4 years that I've been with my partner, my brother has made no effort to try and get to know him or to ask him how he is. The pair of them are strangers. They know each other and they know of each other but they are strangers. This is also coupled with no involvement on social media. My brother hasn't liked one couple picture in the 4 years of my relationship and it's literally a smack in the face to have my partner shunned like this. He could have liked a picture in them years.

OP, this is all very childish on your part. Social media is not real life. I'm friends with my brothers girlfriend on FB, but that's about it. We just don't have a lot in commmon. You're talking about it being a smack in the face, I don't think you're going to get 'U ok hun?' as a response here, where generally people don't place any value on social media interactions.

You describe it as 'polite when they meet'. It doesn't sound like you are actually spending any considerable amount of time together as you say 'they know each other and know of each other'. They're not going to get to know each other if they only meet occasionally.

woodchuck

It sounds like your brother is just completely indifferent towards your partner. There's nothing wrong with that though. Some people will naturally hit it off and form a good friendship, other people don't. When that happens, all you can expect them to do is be courteous and polite, which is what it sounds like is happening here. It would be different if your brother was actually being rude or disrespectful to your partner, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

You can't force people to be friends. I'd just leave well enough alone if I was you.

Tork

Be glad they're not fighting. One of my aunts fell out with her sister-in-law a few years ago and that made things awkward for lots of people. Thankfully they patched things up before it got out of hand but that's what can happen. You'd be surprised how many people have to pretend to like partners who they don't particularly care for, just for the sake of their children, friends, siblings etc. Your brother just isn't bothering to add the veneer of "niceness". I presume your partner attempted to extend the hand of friendship themselves at some early stage and was rebuffed?

LegacyUser

I know some posters said that the social media aspect is petty.

My brother never made any attempt to get to know my partner in person. I can nearly understand this in that sometimes schedules can be opposing and it's hard to organise time between family and friends and partners. I think because he hasn't tried in person to get to know my partner in 4 years, I think social media could have been used as a tool to bridge that gap and try. He could have liked a picture. I feel because my brother hasn't tried to get to know him in person or on social media, I feel my partner has been shunned and not welcomed in the family. My partner has done nothing wrong for my brother to stonewall him and treat him like nothing. Would it really have been so hard on my brother to say more than hello in 4 years? Am I wrong to expect more?

woodchuck

What is it that you're expecting from your brother OP? Genuine question.

Has your brother literally not said more than hello to your partner in 4 years? I find that hard to believe tbh. Has your partner made much of an effort with your brother? It's a two way street.

Tork

Santasmilkandcookies wrote: »

I feel my partner has been shunned and not welcomed in the family. My partner has done nothing wrong for my brother to stonewall him and treat him like nothing.

Is it just your brother or your family who aren't being welcoming?

What steps has your partner taken to try and build a relationship with your brother?

I'm baffled about your social media argument. If your brother can't be bothered trying to build a relationship with your partner in real life, why would he do so on social media? I also wonder is there more to this than meets the eye. Is there any reason why your brother or your family might not like your partner? Age gap? Relationship baggage?

JustAThought

My siblings partners have nothing in particular to do with me. They are nice, and fun, and polite and visit and stay over from time to time but they have really nothing to do with me, I woupdnto get
to know them better and have them as part od a wider circle of friends but they bolt after family meals and coffees and don’t include me in their extended friends events or gigs or drinks. Sure I’d like to be part of that gang too but thats they way it is - nothing ever happened, I always extended the arm of friendship and made an effort, they are fun and funny and we laugh around the table but that’s it. And no - there is no emailing or inclusion in photos or liking on fb or instagram - they have different lives, I’m an outsider and other than tokenism when there is no choice we get in with our (separate) lives.

That’s it, that’s life. No plot, no baggage, no history - just different groups & different people going about their lives, with no interest in involving another. They are happy and complete in themselves. And no - they’re not bothered poking around my social media and opd fb a/c - its just not relevant to their lives and of no interest to them pretty pics or not.

OPmilkandcookiesOP

OPmilkandcookiesOP wrote: »

My brother hasn't liked one couple picture in the 4 years of my relationship and it's literally a smack in the face to have my partner shunned like this. He could have liked a picture in them years.

This can't be serious. I have never 'liked' any of my family or friends social media ****e because it's exactly that, ****e. It's hollow and worthless.

If he randomly tapped 'liked'' they would certainly be bestest mates?

I don't even know if my brother in law has any social media accounts and we get along Grand.

Perhaps he just doesn't like him? It happens. Not everyone clicks

YellowLead

OP you have mentioned nothing of what your partner thinks as other posters have echoed - is he upset? Has he tried to make an effort himself? I know plenty of cases like this, there’s no need to be friends with somebody just because they are in your siblings life! You said he is polite when they meet - what more can you expect really. Sometimes friendship happens if two people hit it off and sometimes it doesn’t - that’s life. Some siblings do not even participate in each other’s lives outside of family events.

TheadoreT

Sardonicat wrote: »

But he is making an effort. He's being polite. There have been threads in here discussing how empty a 'fake' friendship is. Trying to make friends with someone because they are in a relationship with your sibling is just that, fake. The brother may just not like the boyfriend, and that's ok. There may be a history between the two of them in which case he's being a great brother by being polite and biting his lip. It would have nothing to do with the OP, though.

I think theres a middle ground though between just doing the bare minimum to be polite and being friends. I dont think the OP is asking for them to be best mates.

Like say if you brought a partner to a wedding or christening where they dont really know anyone aside from you. You'd like to think your close friends and family would make an effort to chat to them for a bit to make them feel comfortable. Of course theres no obligation and it's a two way street but always appreciated.

There may well be more to it and he dislikes him for whatever reason but this is why the OP should try broach it with her brother in a casual enough manner.

LegacyUser

My brother likes to keep to himself a lot in his room so the only meetings they have ever had was in passing. There wasn't a lot of opportunities to meet in family gatherings since I started with my partner. There has been some occasions and I took my partner to them and my partner got to meet a lot of the extended family. My brother never took part in them occasions in favour of going out with his friends so there wasn't ever a lot of opportunities to meet up. I feel my brother should have extended himself beyond the 'hello' in passing.

I am upset because the man has been ignored and shunned from my immediate family. He done nothing wrong to deserve that.

cannotlogin

I think you are creating an issue where none really exists.

The social media thing is irrelevant...a lot of people don't use it much. A like means nothing, you can do nothing with likes, can't trade them in,have no reflection on sincerity or real life!!

Your partner has no issue with this. There's no animosity. It isn't causing any problems. You brother is polite etc. It's very dramatic to say your partner has been shunned - shunned would be if he was been excluded, not invited, not acknowledged, ignored it. This is not the case.

Why is your brother's relationship with your partner so important to you? What problems is it causing?

YellowLead

Santasmilkandcookies wrote: »

My brother likes to keep to himself a lot in his room so the only meetings they have ever had was in passing. There wasn't a lot of opportunities to meet in family gatherings since I started with my partner. There has been some occasions and I took my partner to them and my partner got to meet a lot of the extended family. My brother never took part in them occasions in favour of going out with his friends so there wasn't ever a lot of opportunities to meet up. I feel my brother should have extended himself beyond the 'hello' in passing.

I am upset because the man has been ignored and shunned from my immediate family. He done nothing wrong to deserve that.

So your extended family welcomed him on those occasions? What about your parents? How have they received him? Is it a very new relationship?
My ex and my brother never met up outside of family occasions with a lot of us, it never bothered me or either of them.

Also - you describe your brother as spending a lot of time in his room - perhaps he is just socially awkward in general and has nothing against your partner??

woodchuck

OP you're taking this very personally, but it sounds like your brother is just very young or immature. Staying in his room when a guest is over sounds like something a teenager would do! I'm guessing he does this with all guests though, not just your partner.

And not going to family gatherings - it doesn't sound he did this intentionally to avoid your partner. It sounds like he doesn't want to make an effort with anyone!

If it's that important to you, the effort will have to come from you and/or your partner. For example if you're all in the same house at Christmas, make an effort to pull your brother out of his room to join in the festivities with you both.

Tork

Has your partner ever attempted to make a connection with him? How does he/she feel about this? You're not telling us much, other than repeatedly going on and on about how your partner has been shunned. I sense there is a lot you're not telling us.

YellowLead

Tork wrote: »

Has your partner ever attempted to make a connection with him? How does he/she feel about this? You're not telling us much, other than repeatedly going on and on about how your partner has been shunned. I sense there is a lot you're not telling us.

Echo this

Tork

Also, OP, what age is your brother?

tomwaits48

Social media “likes”‘ or otherwise should not be the cause of frictions, unless your aged 14 or below.

osarusan

What does your partner feel about this? Do they feel shunned? Do the rest of your family feel it's an issue too?

Or is it something that upsets only you?

Smee_Again

Santasmilkandcookies wrote: »

My brother likes to keep to himself a lot in his room so the only meetings they have ever had was in passing. There wasn't a lot of opportunities to meet in family gatherings since I started with my partner. There has been some occasions and I took my partner to them and my partner got to meet a lot of the extended family. My brother never took part in them occasions in favour of going out with his friends so there wasn't ever a lot of opportunities to meet up. I feel my brother should have extended himself beyond the 'hello' in passing.

I am upset because the man has been ignored and shunned from my immediate family. He done nothing wrong to deserve that.

What does your partner think of this? Is this your issue or his?

LegacyUser

The rest of my siblings live abroad. They try to make it home every second year for Christmas. They have been very good to my partner when they were home last and also because there so many miles between us they use the social media to keep in touch with home.

Myself and my brother are close in age in our late 20s. Woodchuck got it right. I don't think my brother avoided the other gatherings to avoid my partner.

What exactly can myself and my partner do with someone who has chosen to ignore him expect for hello in the hall. My brother has made an effort with our other siblings partners. Just not my partner.

My partner is easy going and this doesn't bother him but this is an issue for me because I feel he hasn't been welcomed or accepted by my brother and my partner has done nothing wrong.

Big Bag of Chips

Why is it an issue though? You are the one building this into something it's not. 2 people who are casual acquaintances at most, are civil to each other in company but have no friendship or contact beyond that.

What exactly is the issue and what advice are you looking for from the posters here?

rainbowtrout

Santasmilkandcookies wrote: »

My brother likes to keep to himself a lot in his room so the only meetings they have ever had was in passing. There wasn't a lot of opportunities to meet in family gatherings since I started with my partner. There has been some occasions and I took my partner to them and my partner got to meet a lot of the extended family. My brother never took part in them occasions in favour of going out with his friends so there wasn't ever a lot of opportunities to meet up. I feel my brother should have extended himself beyond the 'hello' in passing.

I am upset because the man has been ignored and shunned from my immediate family. He done nothing wrong to deserve that.

Your brother doesn't seem to like social gatherings. It's not about you and your partner which you seem to think it is. Your brother is also not bothered about meeting up with the extended family. It's not a dislike of your partner, you need to get over yourself.

qwerty13

I thinking you are blowing this out of all proportion OP.

Not all people gel. That doesn’t make either party bad. Perhaps they just don’t have much in common. It seems like your brother dislikes big social gatherings. Both of those are ok.

It sounds like you’re chasing something very idealistic, and also a social perception where your brother is seen to be best buddies with your partner. I don’t know why you want this, it makes very little sense to me. And your brother can engage as little or as much as he chooses. It really reads to me as though you are the one making a mountain out of a molehill.

As others have said, is there some reason that you’re so offended that your brother doesn’t go beyond being simply polite. Do you fear that your brother’s lack of engagement is due to racism? Ageist? Anything like that? Tbh I still don’t think you come off well even if you think things like that: your brother is perfectly entitled to like who he likes. Or not (unless he’s being selectively avoidant re your partner due to racism or something like that. It actually just sounds like he doesn’t do well in large social settings)

Tork

Unless I missed something, I don't see you mentioning your partner attempting to getting to know your brother either. It's a two-way street.

Sardonicat

Santasmilkandcookies wrote: »

My partner is easy going and this doesn't bother him but this is an issue for me because I feel he hasn't been welcomed or accepted by my brother and my partner has done nothing wrong.

So there us no problem except the one you are fabricating. Your brother is polite with your partner. Your partner is happy with that. And you want to turn it into a drama about you.

ILoveYourVibes

Honestly its clear your brother doesn't click with this person.

Were they diff with other boyfriends/girlfriends you had?