Gambling and lying boyfriend

Gigiplease

This may be long, but would really appreciate any advice!

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years, he has always gambled, easily putting €50/€100 on horses, then every now and again would loose money, try and stay off betting for a few weeks, until the cycle would start again. He works in the racing industry and gambling is ‘normal’ to everyone so there’s no avoiding it. He did it for the fun but would also use the excuse that he had no money so needed it to make money (and claims if he had, he wouldn’t actually bet as much)

However, he recently came into some money, And his gambling has been worse than ever. He ended up loosing a couple thousand a few weeks back and kept going until he ‘got himself out’ and got it back. Said he would quit there and then but he didn’t. He went a few days later and lost €16,000!

Crazy amount of money, he was putting anything up to €2000 on one bet, would win some back and then loose some more. He just completely changed his habits. He was always upfront and honest with me about betting. It would nearly eat him up if he did a bet and didn’t tell me. He was always clever enough to never have anything on his bank statements (so he can get a mortgage) would only use cash in a bookies (or my online account) but obviously with covid there’s no bookies opened and I’m trying to clear my bank statements of betting so he’s had to use his own bank account.

After the €16,000 he said he decided enough was enough, he would call quits and just stop so self excluded himself online from that betting site. This was three weeks ago, and he has claimed to be off them ever since. But yesterday, I noticed his moods changed, I noticed he was distracted etc. I realised he’s back betting again, I asked him how long it’s been since he last betted and he said three weeks ago, and I told him if anything’s bothering him ( because of the bad mood) and he said no and then before we went to sleep I straight out asked him has he been gambling and he said no! The betting is one thing, but I can’t take the lying.

We’ve had issues in our relationship, where my trust towards him has been tested. For the whole six months when we were ‘seeing eachother’ he claimed to not be seeing anyone else but he was with multiple girls, in the first few months of becoming ‘official’ I found out he was on tinder chatting to girls, and then 6 months in being official he had a one night stand which I didn’t find out about until a year later. He claimed he wasn’t ready for a relationship, only then realized what he wanted and we worked through all this and I do believe he hasn’t cheated on me since but obviously all the lying has effected me. My mum is also an alcoholic, so I grew up with having someone close to me with an addiction problem, and I only told him within the last three weeks that growing up with her lying about drinking, is why I hate it when he recently lied to me about gambling. So the fact that he understands why it bothers me so much, really upsets me.

I don’t know whether to confront him about the gambling tonight when he comes in from work. Should i leave it a few days and get my head straight or should I wait and see will he tell me or what will I do?

I know the obviously answer is to leave him, but I love him so so much. He’s my best friend, and I want nothing more than to be with him but all this lying is really effecting me. I need some advice. I’ve no one to talk to about this as I don’t want any of my family/friends judging him. I’ve no where to go to give myself space to think and him space to think so my heads all over the place.

Thank you sooo much if you’ve read this.

Widdensushi

Gambling addiction can be very strong, I have seen people lose all disposable income, loans got for other purposes blown etc. It's up to you to decide if you can live with him not able to control it and hope that he can at some stage. If you can't then it may be time to move on before there are kids etc to complicate the situation.

Man with broke phone

You will never have a pot to piss in living with a gambler. Always have stories about the times when they were up, its normal for them to regularly beg work colleagues for smokes while bragging about a half hour where they were up a few hundred on the weekend.

Hes using you and your bank account, doesnt care about your mortgage criterias. You can probably do better and have a life where you can relax a bit, have a few grand in the bank for emergencies and not have dramatic ups and downs where you play second best to a bookies.

Do you love him because he loves you back? Does he have any good points?

Loveinapril

It seems like his gambling has escalated and if he is lying about it, it is certainly something of concern. No one I know could lose €16,000 and manage to function the next day! He clearly wasn't worrying about a mortgage on that bet.

There was a similar post here maybe a year ago and some other poster was really open and honest about her life with a gambler. It was really heartbreaking to read. I know a woman who was married to a gambler and she had to hide money to make sure she could pay the mortgage and could never have nice things because they would be sold or pawned. She had two children with the man and eventually left him but even now, 30 years later, talks about how money is a big source of anxiety for her because she feels like she could lose it all overnight.

If I was in your position, I would be really clear and open in discussing it immediately. Tell him all your concerns and pay attention to how he responds. Unless he realises how serious his problem is, you are going to be dealing with this for the rest of your relationship.

Smee_Again

He’s an addict and unless he actually wants to change he won’t, and he definitely won’t change without admitting his problems and seeking help.

Unless he does these 2 things, and hand over control of his finances to you until he’s better, I’d walk. He’ll just drag you down with him.

cannotlogin

I think you'd be incredibly foolish but stay with him if you want but realise there will always be lies, you'll never have a pot to piss in, repaying the mortgage will always be your responsibility, you'll be responsible for paying the bills, feeding & clothing the kids etc.

Gambling will always be a bigger attraction than you. You'll never come first. You can't fix this, only he can and he doesn't seem likely to based on what you tell us. €16k is a hell of a lot of money. My advice is get out of this while you still can because he can't.

The_Honeybadger

Get out while you can op. He will likely lose all of this money he has come in to and you are in for a life of stress and worry about his gambling if you stay with him.

Some people do manage to give up addictions and turn their life around but the fact that he works in the industry is a huge red flag in my view. Unless he agrees to change careers and go for addiction therapy I think you need to look at whether you can deal with this for the rest of your life. Sorry that you are in this situation.

SnowyMay

Ah, OP, I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

I can relate. Maybe all of this won’t ring true, but I also come from a family with an alcoholic parent, and I’ve managed to go out with the drug abusers, drinkers, gamblers all along the way. I don’t know if this is a common thing coming from a family with bad issues, but sometimes you become a “fixer”. Or at least you try to become a fixer, but this just drags you down in the end, as the only person who can fix an addiction is there person with the addiction themself.

I know you love him, and he probably loves you too, but not enough. His first love is gambling.

I’m sorry to say, but you should leave him. Build up your own life afresh and meet somebody whenever the time is right where you don’t have these problems.

Odds are, he’ll probably be fine, but it may take years. You have to take care of yourself.

Tork

OP, have you made contact with any organisations which deal with problem gambling? Even though you aren't the person with the addiction, they can offer you support and advice.

The gambling is bad enough, it will completely take over his life, and yours if he doesn't get help Now.
But not only is he a gambler, but he has cheated on you, not just once!!

Sorry OP, I know you think he is your best friend, he is not. I really believe you should break up and get on with your life without him in it. If you don't you're in for a lifetime of heartache.

Tork

I've a feeling it isn't just the boyfriend who's an addict. OP is addicted to this fella too.

JustAThought

Sorry to hear of your troubles OP - and especially of your relationship problems. +1 for what the other poster said about you being a fixer.

You are following all of the classic self destruct criteria of someone who has lived with an alcoholic You have gone from one damaging addictive relationship aNd are now in the classic position of the child of an alcoholic - in another, accepting a different kind of abuse,
begging for normality and better values and yet accepting what most others woiod have long ago walked away from. It is not a sigh of strength - but of weakness.

You are casually putting your life and dreams on hold and putting up with lies so another selfish person can indulge themselves at
your cost. Gamblers never change - if anything they get better at covering their tracks and lie better. If you marry him he will be entitled to everything you have and will squander that too.

You say you are clearing your accounts of betting - were you gambling or was he using it? And why would anyone else let someones gambljng be fed
out of their bank account? Did he ask you? Or did he suggest you open an a count for craic and then he started to use that? Was his bank account empty or in arrears or barred from sutes so he couldn’t use his own?He now has your money and bank a count accessible online at god knows how many bookies or international online gambling sites. what were you thinking??! He can reactivate them at any stage?? Or were you also gambling from your own bank account - are you both at it?
In the end the sorry story is that you arennow toed in with someone who has a vice that is invisible but S bad as alcoholism. It never ends well. sixteen thousand is an unimaginable amount to gamble - someones life savings - an inheritance - gone. If that dosn’t show
you how bad things are or his capacity and depth of his addiction them nothing will.

He lied to you from the start of
your relationship. He lied to you about being commited. He lied to
you about not dating other firls while sleeping with you and saying he loved you. . He was dating other girls and sleeping around while telling you that you were the one. He was gambling money while telling you he was fixed. He then blew an inheritance while telling you he was comitted and saving for your future together.

You are being taken for a ride - literally, emotionally and financially. He knows this and will beg and plead but ultimatsly go back on timder & find some other woman who he will
lie to Your biggest problem is that you are used
to lies and broken promises and begging for forgiveness and think that your live is so string you can fix him
or he will throw over the lying, cheating, sleeping around and gambling for
you. My bets are, like most other gamblers, he won’t. He will ruin you, your trust, your ambitions, your dreams and future - look what he has already done and how long has your relationship been ?

You may love him but he is not honest, or good for you and his lying and self
centered behvaviours will always come first - highs from gambling, using you for debt, sleeping around, lying to make his life easier.

When someone shows you who they are as
often as he has it is time to act on it. It is not honesty - it is knowing he has been or will be caught How many red flags do
you need OP ? It may be hrd but
life of living off your wits and being lied to will destroy you. And you will never have a penny or keep a roof over your head,
let alone have any mental peace living with someone who is cosy and comfortable
with lies and endless asking for and getting forgiveness and excuses to get his way. Liars IMO never change - the self centeredness and selfishness is hard wired for them to continue gratifying themselves and taking and having what they want - be it a cheep gambling rush or a cascade of one night stands.

Im sorry for your troubles OP - don’t trust him, change your bank account that you have money in and stop ‘saving’ for a house with him. Have you even seen this account - do you actually believe he is saving for a house or is capable
of it? Look at the sixteen thousand gone in a bet. Does his mortgage saving even exist? I sincerely hope you don’t have any money in accounts he can get or use for direct debit gambling to or shared ‘savings’ accounts. First thing I would do before talking to him is to close
them and open mew ones with new passwords and never leave your PC or
phone lying around ao he can get
them. Your life with liar aNd gambler hs already begun. You can choose what path your life becomes - he is already set on his.

Gigiplease

Thank you so much to everyone for replying.

This is so hard, my heads all over the place. I love him to absolute bits, I want nothing more than to be with him but when is enough, enough? We’ve something good, and I know that, which obviously is why it makes it so difficult when things like this get in the way as I love him so much but I just want all this lying to stop. I want to be able to not have any thing between us. I want to be able to look to the future and plan our future together.

I asked him today about the betting. Asked him to promise me that he is not betting, and he just responded “I can’t promise you that” and that’s how I got it out of him. We didn’t talk about it, I think we’re both to mentally drained to talk right now, him from the gambling and me from all this. I was up all night from this and still can’t sleep. I don’t know how someone can lie to someone they love? I truly believe he loves me, but there’s a streak in him when allows him to lie to me and hurt me.

He’s actually quite money savvy apart from the gambling. Always trying to do his best to save money, always planning his budgeting etc. He can’t wait to get a mortgage and a house, but when he finally came into some money, it wasn’t enough. Always lecturing me about how I’m spending my money (🙄) and offering me tips etc. So this is just a complete other side to him. He got relief when he did get this money (which I’m sure now is gone) so even the thought of listening to him going on about saving and budgeting money in the future gets to me.

Thanks for the suggestion about getting professional help, I never actually thought of it for myself so that’s a very good idea. Would a standard counsellor be good at this or would it have to be someone specifying in gambling?

Man with broke phone

Gigiplease wrote: »

Thank you so much to everyone for replying.

This is so hard, my heads all over the place. I love him to absolute bits, I want nothing more than to be with him but when is enough, enough? We’ve something good, and I know that, which obviously is why it makes it so difficult when things like this get in the way as I love him so much but I just want all this lying to stop. I want to be able to not have any thing between us. I want to be able to look to the future and plan our future together.

I asked him today about the betting. Asked him to promise me that he is not betting, and he just responded “I can’t promise you that” and that’s how I got it out of him. We didn’t talk about it, I think we’re both to mentally drained to talk right now, him from the gambling and me from all this. I was up all night from this and still can’t sleep. I don’t know how someone can lie to someone they love? I truly believe he loves me, but there’s a streak in him when allows him to lie to me and hurt me.

He’s actually quite money savvy apart from the gambling. Always trying to do his best to save money, always planning his budgeting etc. He can’t wait to get a mortgage and a house, but when he finally came into some money, it wasn’t enough. Always lecturing me about how I’m spending my money (🙄) and offering me tips etc. So this is just a complete other side to him. He got relief when he did get this money (which I’m sure now is gone) so even the thought of listening to him going on about saving and budgeting money in the future gets to me.

Thanks for the suggestion about getting professional help, I never actually thought of it for myself so that’s a very good idea. Would a standard counsellor be good at this or would it have to be someone specifying in gambling?

He tells you how you are spending too much , he was broke until he came into money, he is mean with any money he has to keep it for gambling.

You call that money savvy.

I dont want to offend you or seem crass but it seems like you are lying to yourself.

Gigiplease

Man with broke phone wrote: »

He tells you how you are spending too much , he was broke until he came into money, he is mean with any money he has to keep it for gambling.

You call that money savvy.

I dont want to offend you or seem crass but it seems like you are lying to yourself.

Maybe I used the wrong word. Not money Savvy but money focused. Constantly planning etc.

Deeper Blue

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear of your situation.

Anybody who loses 16k has a serious gambling problem.

- He needs to hand over control of his finances to you or a family member.
- He needs to get professional help as soon as possible.
- He needs to work in a different industry.

This may seem extreme but in my opinion unless he does all of the above this will go on indefinitely, and the debts will eventually mount.

Wishing you all the best.

Richard Hillman

I know you are fond of him but you have to leave him. For all the bets he's telling you about, there will be a ton of ones that you don't know about. I reckon he's trying to get his mortgage deposit out of gambling. It won't happen, not a chance. I am a regular gambler and a sport addict but I know full well I ain't going to beat the bookie so I only do fun bets with low sums.

This guy sounds like he has the arrogance of a man that thinks he will beat the bookie. A gambling addiction is the most arrogant addiction there is. They have delusions of grandeur and delusions turn in to outright lies.

Another thing, I bet he has a ton of loans that you don't know about. He has maxed out all of his options and is gambling just to try and pay the loans. Its the same story every time.

punisher5112

I've seen how this can go in family and work colleagues.....

Sadly drink does go with it too and the others lose out.

Guy in work is renting, spends all his money in pub and bookies, ends up going on about the wins but you never hear of the losses and it isn't a good place to be.

If you had the power over the finances and could control the amount that would be a idea but then that most likely wouldn't work either.

Lies upon lies as they are addicted and it's extremely addictive and one will spend till they have no more and borrow borrow borrow

Tork

Gigiplease wrote: »

Thanks for the suggestion about getting professional help, I never actually thought of it for myself so that’s a very good idea. Would a standard counsellor be good at this or would it have to be someone specifying in gambling?

https://www.gamblersanonymous.ie/gam-anon-meetings though I don't know what the story is now that we're in Level 5 restrictions.

Unfortunately, OP, unless your boyfriend is willing to accept that he has a serious gambling problem and wants to change, you're walking yourself into a whole world of misery. You aren't his first love, gambling is.

tea and coffee

He may be excited about getting a mortgage but it's likely the bank will take a long hard look at your finances if you decide you want one. He is ruining your credit history by using your account, and judging by the fact that you weren't aware that he is still gambling he is likely ruining his own now as well.
€16,000 is an incredible amount of money which could have gone towards a house deposit which you both now don't have.
He is money savvy probably as he has to be to try and be able to pay the bills but also feed the addiction.

Whatever about love or otherwise, on a practical level this is always going to be a struggle. He is an addict and nothing you do or say will make him change.

JustAThought

Being obsessed with money is not the same
as being good with money.

OP - going to gamblers anonymous or a counceller will not change your bf or his gambling habit - you are just fooling yourself.He has told you today he will not stop gambling. He enjoys it - he has no intention of listening to
you or stopping. You are not married to him or tied in with him by children or debt - yet. You are just finding a way to enable him and facilitate his lies and lifestyle of lying and gambling.

You have been a victim of an alcoholic and
dysfunctional upbringing. Don’t
plan to be a victim again in another relationship where two-timing,
sleeping around, lying and cheating have been the dominant features.

There are other men out there and far better,
more loving men. You must have appallingly low self esteam to have come this badly wrong in such a short time and think it is fixable, acceptable or in any way normal. He does not really love you - you are a convenience and a
facility for him to continue his other vices and have an adoring gf who will put up and accept
anything he says or does or wants. If
you had a normal upbringing or a normal
family life you would see
this in a flash and walk away. That is why children from dysfunctional homes often end
up in damaging, corrosive relationships - the circle of abuse and acceptance of abuse. You are
about to be a second generation victim statistic and broken home cliché. Sad. The gambler or alcoholic always wins. No counselor will fix that for you. Its a matter of how much of your hope, trust, spirit and soul will be destroyed before you realise and walk away. You already know
he is bad, a compulsive liar and relationship cheat. Best of luck living with the
future of constant stress and lies you are enabling for yourself by staying with this man
.

Tork

Maybe I haven't made it clear. I am advising the OP to go to Gam-Anon for herself and by herself. She needs to gain a better insight into what is going on here.

Edit : I have been corrected further down the thread because I mixed up Gamblers Anonymous and Gam-Anon. The latter is for people belonging to problem gamblers.

punisher5112

Run .... Run quite fast

I think it's quite obvious from your update that you have no intention of leaving him.
You are in for a lifetime of pain with this guy.
Don't be surprised when he steals from you.
You haven't even mentioned the cheating. Don't be surprised if he is still doing that too.

You cannot change other people's behaviour, you cannot stop him lying, you cannot stop him gambling, no matter how much you wish he would.

cannotlogin

Your boyfriend is not the only one in denial here. You are in complete denial. You are desperately looking for reasons to stay even though you know no good will come from it.

I get it. One of the hardest things a person can do is walk away from someone you love but sometimes you just have to save yourself a life time of hurt. You'll leave him eventually because the situation will get worse but should do it while you are least scarred by the experience. You know what addiction is like....You cannot love someone better no matter how hard you try.


Btw OP, would you throw €16k down the toilet and flush it away? You just did indirectly and you will continue going this for the rest of your life as that's what his gambling does!!!! Wake up, he's an addict who is so serious about over coming his addiction, he won't even leave the industry! Sorry to be blunt but he's playing you for a fool...like all addicts do.

zoobizoo

He's a gambler working in a gambling industry surrounded by others who see gambling as normal.

He is also a repeat liar and has lied to you numerous times.

He has been truthful when he says he can't guarantee that he won't gamble again.




The choice you have to make is whether or not you will take the decision to break up with him and avoid a lifetime of lies, losses and financial insecurity

Or stay with him

Big Bag of Chips

The betting is one thing, but I can’t take the lying

Well then, I'm afraid you're in the wrong relationship. He lies to you. Every single day. Multiple times a day. All this talk of being money savvy and constantly planning his budget is worthless. Budgeting doesn't come in to it. It's all smoke and mirrors to distract from the real issue. He has no plan. His plan is to bet whatever he can get his hands on. He has loans you know nothing about. He owes money to most people around him. Friends, family, colleagues.

I can't believe you allowed him to use your account to bet so transactions wouldn't show up on his. That makes no sense to anyone not living in a gambling situation.

He lies to you. ALL - THE - TIME.

This is what you need to get your head around. He lies to you about everything. He tells you just enough for you to think there's trust between you, but he is lying. Even what he tells you isn't the full truth. I know you think we all have it wrong here. And your bf is different to all the other gambling addicts. But, anyone who is chasing that win to make back what they lost is not betting for fun. Anyone who loses €16,000 (SIXTEEN THOUSAND EURO... there's your mortgage deposit - tell me again how money savvy he is and how he's tuned in to budgeting) and not be really all that bothered has a serious problem. It's not a €20 loss on a sure fire tip. It is sixteen thousand euro. That's crazy money. And the fact that you still think it's not actually a problem is the worrying part.

You're focusing on the wrong thing. You're focusing on the lies and saying that's what you hate. So him losing €16,000 over a few hours isn't much of a problem?

Tork wrote: »

I've a feeling it isn't just the boyfriend who's an addict. OP is addicted to this fella too.

You really need to think about this. Get yourself to Gam-Anon and find out what your role in this is. As the partner of an addict you become addicted to them and their behaviour. Addicted to watching them, questioning them, trying to catch them out. Trying to prove that you're right. Trying to make them see sense.

It doesn't work. And it just exhausts you.

My friend is married to a gambling addict. He had to admit he could never bet again. And he, genuinely, was nowhere near the stakes your bf is at.

Your bf is an addict. Addicts lie. They do and say whatever is needed in order to get what they want. My friend knew her husband gambled but was blissfully ignorant of the extent of it. Because he kept it very very well hidden. When it started to fall apart at the seams it all crumbled very very quickly. And she was appalled at what she found out. And I repeat, he was nowhere near the stakes your bf is.

costacorta

Tork wrote: »

Maybe I haven't made it clear. I am advising the OP to go to Gamblers Anonymous for herself and by herself. She needs to gain a better insight into what is going on here. There is no point whatsoever in the boyfriend going.

I presume you mean Gam Anon as she can’t go to Gambling Anonymous unless she is the one with problem.. Gam anon is for partners or family of compulsive gamblers and would be good for her to meet like minded people to herself...

deathbomber

Heavy bets there. Nothing wrong having a flutter be it on horses or whatever. Some people will often say 'mugs game' etc etc. I ignore these types, just because these angels are not into it, why should they say such snide remarks. For many i could reference their overweight frames and return a snide remark about squandering money on pies. Basically it is my money and i like to have a bet,it excites me and all that goes with reviewing the form etc. Your bf comes across honest for the most part, he probably doesn't want to upset you or more so worry you. However, he needs to quit as it appears he is now chasing wins and has become obsessive. Have a word about the substantial bets, tell him its ok to bet for enjoyment but keep them under 5 or 10 euro. The issue is still he has lost a lot so small bets/winnings will now be viewed as pitiful against the losses. So he should indeed take a break for a while at least - 3 - 6 months or so, he may even quit forever then. Good luck to you both

costacorta

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Well then, I'm afraid you're in the wrong relationship. He lies to you. Every single day. Multiple times a day. All this talk of being money savvy and constantly planning his budget is worthless. Budgeting doesn't come in to it. It's all smoke and mirrors to distract from the real issue. He has no plan. His plan is to bet whatever he can get his hands on. He has loans you know nothing about. He owes money to most people around him. Friends, family, colleagues.

I can't believe you allowed him to use your account to bet so transactions wouldn't show up on his. That makes no sense to anyone not living in a gambling situation.

He lies to you. ALL - THE - TIME.

This is what you need to get your head around. He lies to you about everything. He tells you just enough for you to think there's trust between you, but he is lying. Even what he tells you isn't the full truth. I know you think we all have it wrong here. And your bf is different to all the other gambling addicts. But, anyone who is chasing that win to make back what they lost is not betting for fun. Anyone who loses €16,000 (SIXTEEN THOUSAND EURO... there's your mortgage deposit - tell me again how money savvy he is and how he's tuned in to budgeting) and not be really all that bothered has a serious problem. It's not a €20 loss on a sure fire tip. It is sixteen thousand euro. That's crazy money. And the fact that you still think it's not actually a problem is the worrying part.

You're focusing on the wrong thing. You're focusing on the lies and saying that's what you hate. So him losing €16,000 over a few hours isn't much of a problem?



You really need to think about this. Get yourself to Gam-Anon and find out what your role in this is. As the partner of an addict you become addicted to them and their behaviour. Addicted to watching them, questioning them, trying to catch them out. Trying to prove that you're right. Trying to make them see sense.

It doesn't work. And it just exhausts you.

My friend is married to a gambling addict. He had to admit he could never bet again. And he, genuinely, was nowhere near the stakes your bf is at.

Your bf is an addict. Addicts lie. They do and say whatever is needed in order to get what they want. My friend knew her husband gambled but was blissfully ignorant of the extent of it. Because he kept it very very well hidden. When it started to fall apart at the seams it all crumbled very very quickly. And she was appalled at what she found out. And I repeat, he was nowhere near the stakes your bf is.

Great post and very well put , All compulsive gamblers are compulsive liars as well as they have to lie to hide their little secret .. Majority of addicts are good people who deep down know they are doing wrong but unfortunately most have to reach rock bottom before they seek help ....The problem with this case is that he works in gambling industry and unless he seeks another job away from this he is going to get deeper and deeper into addiction unfortunately.. Like all addictions the people who suffer most are the loved ones and living with an addict is like a prison sentence for those people..

Seth Brundle

deathbomber wrote: »

Heavy bets there. Nothing wrong having a flutter be it on horses or whatever. Some people will often say 'mugs game' etc etc. I ignore these types, just because these angels are not into it, why should they say such snide remarks. For many i could reference their overweight frames and return a snide remark about squandering money on pies. Basically it is my money and i like to have a bet,it excites me and all that goes with reviewing the form etc. Your bf comes across honest for the most part, he probably doesn't want to upset you or more so worry you. However, he needs to quit as it appears he is now chasing wins and has become obsessive. Have a word about the substantial bets, tell him its ok to bet for enjoyment but keep them under 5 or 10 euro. The issue is still he has lost a lot so small bets/winnings will now be viewed as pitiful against the losses. So he should indeed take a break for a while at least - 3 - 6 months or so, he may even quit forever then. Good luck to you both

This is all just so wrong!

zoobizoo

deathbomber wrote: »

Heavy bets there. Nothing wrong having a flutter be it on horses or whatever. Some people will often say 'mugs game' etc etc. I ignore these types, just because these angels are not into it, why should they say such snide remarks. For many i could reference their overweight frames and return a snide remark about squandering money on pies. Basically it is my money and i like to have a bet,it excites me and all that goes with reviewing the form etc. Your bf comes across honest for the most part, he probably doesn't want to upset you or more so worry you. However, he needs to quit as it appears he is now chasing wins and has become obsessive. Have a word about the substantial bets, tell him its ok to bet for enjoyment but keep them under 5 or 10 euro. The issue is still he has lost a lot so small bets/winnings will now be viewed as pitiful against the losses. So he should indeed take a break for a while at least - 3 - 6 months or so, he may even quit forever then. Good luck to you both

Possibly the worst advice or comment I've ever read on here.

Tork

costacorta wrote: »

I presume you mean Gam Anon as she can’t go to Gambling Anonymous unless she is the one with problem.. Gam anon is for partners or family of compulsive gamblers and would be good for her to meet like minded people to herself...

OK, thanks for the clarification. I'll correct it.

JustAThought

Tork wrote: »

OK, thanks for the clarification. I'll correct it.

I think putting the OP in a room with other women who have decided to stay with their problematic lying, cheating, gambling husbands is just enbaling her clinging behaviour and prolonging her nightmare. If you had cancer in your favourite handbag you would’t go to endless meetings about living with cancer, cancer treatment, horror stories about cancer and how others were struggling a lifelong battle with cancer - you would regretfully leave the cancer filled handbag and walk away and carry on without the cancer filled life. Same with a lying,cheating, promiscuous, sleeping around, gambing relatively new partner.

(apologies to anyone with the real disease of cancer)

deathbomber

zoobizoo wrote: »

He's a gambler working in a gambling industry surrounded by others who see gambling as normal.

He is also a repeat liar and has lied to you numerous times.

He has been truthful when he says he can't guarantee that he won't gamble again.




The choice you have to make is whether or not you will take the decision to break up with him and avoid a lifetime of lies, losses and financial insecurity

Or stay with him

So my opinion is the worst ever, i never said it was advice. Then we have your judgemental drivel above!! Bulls***

deathbomber

And what is not normal about gambling! Have you ever played the lotto, game of bingo perhaps, you rogue gambling addict

Big Bag of Chips

costacorta wrote: »

Like all addictions the people who suffer most are the loved ones and living with an addict is like a prison sentence for those people..

Read that very carefully, OP. It will ring true with you. You have a problem with his gambling at the moment and what it means for your relationship. He doesn't have that same problem.

My husband has a problem with drink. As a result he hasn't drank since May. His drinking was a huge problem for me years before it became a problem for him. It was a problem for me and for our children. But he was alright with it all! Because... It didn't really negatively impact his life too much because I was your typical enabler.

It's only when I stepped away and changed what I was willing to tolerate, that things changed, and his drinking suddenly became a very real problem for him. I thought he'd never stop drinking. However, he stopped. Overnight

Your bf's gambling is a problem for you at the moment. You can see that things are not right. But it's not a problem for him yet. Money is still materialising. He can still borrow from friends, family, might have a few bank loans and credit cards on the go. You're still there telling him you love him. His life is actually fine. Your's isn't though.

I went to Al-Anon, and what I learned was that I can only change myself. If we continue to doabd say the same things over and over (stuck on a merry-go-round) then we all just keep going around in circles. Someone needs to be the one to break that circle. It's not going to be him, so it has to be you.

When I stopped doing what I'd always done, my husband stopped drinking.

It really is that simple.

Him stopping drinking obviously wasn't guaranteed. But the one thing I needed to realise was if he didn't stop drinking, it wouldn't matter to me, because my decision was made. I was ready to make that decision (I wasn't ready all the years previously!) and I knew whether or not he continued to drink, my children and I were going to be OK.

As it turns out, he did stop drinking and things are better than I could have imagined this time last year.

You're not ready yet. You're not ready to make the changes. You're hoping that you'll eventually talk sense in to him and everything will be fine. You can't wait and depend on someone who is not dependable. You need to make steps to change your own situation (not change him, that won't work!) It doesn't have to mean leaving him. But it does mean learning to live with what you have in front of you. Learning to accept what you have in front of you. And learning to accept that you have no control over it. None.

Big Bag of Chips

deathbomber,

Yellow for personal abuse. Please read The Forum Charter before posting in Personal Issues again.

Personal Issues is an advice forum. Posters are expected to offer advice. Advice and opinions may differ, naturally, but we expect posters to remain civil to each other.

Tork

JustAThought wrote: »

I think putting the OP in a room with other women who have decided to stay with their problematic lying, cheating, gambling husbands is just enbaling her clinging behaviour and prolonging her nightmare. If you had cancer in your favourite handbag you would’t go to endless meetings about living with cancer, cancer treatment, horror stories about cancer and how others were struggling a lifelong battle with cancer - you would regretfully leave the cancer filled handbag and walk away and carry on without the cancer filled life. Same with a lying,cheating, promiscuous, sleeping around, gambing relatively new partner.

(apologies to anyone with the real disease of cancer)

Is that what a Gam-Anon is meeting is like? Or is it something you saw on TV? I have never been to one so I have no idea what such a meeting entails. Do you?

Augme

Gigiplease wrote: »

A standard counsellor be good at this or would it have to be someone specifying in gambling?

I strongly recommend a counselor to who will help work on you.

Ultimately the biggest addiction problem you need to beat is your own addiction problem which linked with your self esteem. You can control what anyone else does, you can only control what you do. In terms of addressing your own addiction problem I'd ask the following questions as a starter

Why are you addicted to someone who lies to you?
Why are you addicted to feeling loved by someone who lies to you?
Why are you addicted to developing a long term relationship with someone who lies to you?


A good counsellor will help you answer these questions and until you get to the root of these issues you'll always struggle to be truly happy imo.

You need to worry to less about your boyfriend and spent more time truly focusing on you.

You seem like a lovely person and you deserve better in your life. Don't ever sell yourself short and settle with someone who doesn't respect you.

Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

Augme wrote: »

Why are you addicted to someone who lies to you?
Why are you addicted to feeling loved by someone who lies to you?
Why are you addicted to developing a long term relationship with someone who lies to you?

Augme wrote: »

You seem like a lovely person..

Augme has actually asked and answered the questions!

As a lovely person, you tend to see the good in people. You tend to think everyone is like you. Lovely. When you love someone, you want to do what's right for them. You want to help. You want to be happy ever after. Anyone who enables someone does it out of love.

It's not so easy to turn and walk away when you're invested. Especially when these things tend to creep up on you. You're usually pretty invested before you realise the extent of the problem. And then, as a lovely person, you feel you should help somehow. And, you want them to acknowledge that you're lovely! And that you're doing your best to help. They don't see that though. And they don't see you as helping.

It's a complicated scenario OP, but the reactions to it are very simple, and human. Unfortunately being lovely is your downfall. It's getting you nowhere. Especially when you're being lovely to someone else, to the detriment of yourself.

Like I said above, you're not ready. Yet.

Warrachie

Honestly, I think you should leave him. There are some people that might stay with someone like him if he admits his problem and genuinely seeks help. However, the problem is bigger than just the gambling. I’m surprised you even stayed with him after he was still seeing other women while with you. THAT should have been the ‘enough is enough’ stage.

He’s proven he can’t be trusted in more than one way, and I can’t help but think you’d be better off calling time on this relationship. Regardless of whether you love him or not, I think you’re going to be in a world of pain with him for as long as you’re with him.

The reality is you will never have a pot to piss in if he’s in the picture, and even if you stuck out his gambling and lying there is no guarantee that he would remain faithful to you.

Don’t trick yourself into believing he is otherwise good with money. The chances are he is lecturing you on your spending to drag you down to his level. I think he’s trying to make out you are reckless with money to deflect from what he has been doing.

Gambling means more to him than you do, listen to what he’s saying. He didn’t say ‘I’m sorry, yes I have been gambling and I will get help’... he said ‘I can’t promise you that’ when you asked him to promise he hasn’t been. He’s a spineless liar.

I don’t recall you mentioning if you’d kids together? If there’s none involved then you have a chance for a clean break. €16k could have gone a long way towards a house deposit, but he won’t commit to you and your future together. Start thinking logically about this, take stock of your lot before you’re left with kids and can’t make rent or put food on the table because of him.

ILoveYourVibes

He works in the racing industry and gambling is ‘normal’ to everyone so there’s no avoiding it. He did it for the fun but would also use the excuse that he had no money so needed it to make money (and claims if he had, he wouldn’t actually bet as much)

Hey OP.


Firstly I won't vilify the man. He isn't the devil...he is just an ordinary guy.

However I will say this. You can't keep ill gotten gains.

Money that comes by way of something dodgy ..has a tendency to run through the fingers. You can never really keep what isn't really yours.

Its not exactly a classy stable lifestyle. And its NOT healthy.

You are NOT helping him by staying with him. You are just being dependent on him.

The last thing he needs right now is a relationship with responsibilities to someone else. He isn't ready. And its unfair to ask of him what he can't give.

He needs to get himself right for himself. He needs to get his finances right. He needs to get his self esteem right. His LIFE right etc.

He claimed he wasn’t ready for a relationship,

He's right and he might never be.

Gambling isn't something anyone should be involved in.

And the industry itself ..isn't something you should work in. Its not a pleasant industry. Not really an environment he should be in. And not people he should be around. Not something you want in your life.

Tork

I see the money thing as his way of fooling himself and you into thinking he has it all under control. Sort of like celebs who go on about how they love their partners but are cheating on them. I can't stop thinking about that 16 grand and how he failed to respect it or you. Most of us are probably thinking about how long it took us to save that amount of money (if we were in the lucky position to do so) and what we could spend it on. It'd go a long way towards a deposit on a home, taking a lump off an existing mortgage, a nice car, home improvements, a child's college education and accommodation for a year. Even the idea of placing 2 grand bets is bringing me out in a cold sweat. Like the others, I think you have only just scratched the surface of his lies and are afraid to dig deeper.

Seth Brundle

^^^ ILoveYourVibes post ^^^
Whilst the OP needs to remove themselves from their relationship because it will never improve while their partner continues to gamble and sleep around but moralising about "ill gotten gains" isn't helpful

Big Bag of Chips

easily putting €50/€100 on horses, then every now and again would loose money

Do you not mean, every now and again would win money?
Because he certainly was never winning more often than he was losing.

Maybe you meant to say every now and again would lose big .

The way you view this is all skewed. And it's skewed because of how he's spinning it to you.

You mention easily putting €50/€100 on horses at the beginning, and the casually mention he could put €2000 on a race. And that he has lost €16,000 in more or less one sitting.

Think of how much other money he has lost.

€16,000 in one go, pretty much. So that amount can be quantified pretty easily. €16,000 that he physically had that now no longer belongs to him. With nothing to show for it.

What about adding up all those €50s and €100s. Ok, he might occasionally back a winner and win say €500 on a €50 bet. But how many €50 and €100 bets never gave any win. I'd guess in order to win €500 he had to lose at least €2000-3000.

He's always operating at a loss. Always. And even if he has a big winner, his eye is on the next race where he can win even bigger again.

I know this can't be easy reading for you, OP. But if you think about it, nobody here is saying anything that you don't actually already know.

Richard Hillman

I seemed to have overlooked the part of which he is in the racing industry. He will be getting "Tips" from people within the industry about X Horse and that it's a sure thing. They'll tell him that the horse ran badly in a few races to lower its handicap and today is the day it will run its best.

He is being fed an absolute crock. If he is working in the industry, he will be fed "Tips" every day of his life. He can avoid betting for a few weeks, maybe months, but the ones that land will always be on his mind.

This is a forever thing unless he leaves the industry.

Warrachie

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You can't keep ill gotten gains.

Money that comes by way of something dodgy ..has a tendency to run through the fingers. You can never really keep what isn't really yours.

Betting shops, sites etc are legitimate businesses. Gambling is an idiot tax, but it isn’t illegal what he’s doing.

ILoveYourVibes

Seth Brundle wrote: »

^^^ ILoveYourVibes post ^^^
Whilst the OP needs to remove themselves from their relationship because it will never improve while their partner continues to gamble and sleep around but moralising about "ill gotten gains" isn't helpful

No that isn't what i mean.

And you are right THAT wouldn't be helpful IF that was what i was saying.

Its just that people who get money in unhealthy ways. Usually can't manage it. Its just something I have learnt from observation.

I guess I would put it this way.

Its hard for people to manage money that isn't kosher.

Because its not real to them. And deep down ..its like they WANT to get rid of it.

I seemed to have overlooked the part of which he is in the racing industry. He will be getting "Tips" from people within the industry about X Horse and that it's a sure thing. They'll tell him that the horse ran badly in a few races to lower its handicap and today is the day it will run its best.He is being fed an absolute crock.

This.

The environment likes to spin the tail its not gambling. So he can't see his issue. When everyone around you pretends that something is NORMAL. You think it is.

Betting shops, sites etc are legitimate businesses. Gambling is an idiot tax, but it isn’t illegal what he’s doing.

I don't think we are here to defend the gambling industry. Or attack it. But only to understand the role it is playing in this man's life.

Yes its legal. But its pretty sleazy and gross tbh. And certainly the OP's partner is stuck in the dirty part of it. The people involved ...gambling is a way of life for them. Tips ..the nonsense.

Legitimate ..to whom? The law ..sure. Is it a JUST industry ? Is it a logical one? Is it a noble industry? The word legit has a lot of meanings.

Is it a MORAL industry? A healthy one?

Largely NO.

And i have noticed ...people who come by money in unhealthy ways or patterns ..seem to have emotional issues....and this cannot keep that money. THAT is the issue here.

YES its legal. But people start doing illegal things to keep gambling.

But whether its legal or not its making him behave in terrible ways. That is NOT a legitimate presence in someone's life.

He is not doing anything illegal now. But it WILL NOT be long until he is. Stealing etc. Its a pattern.

He needs OUT of that industry. And prob way more help than that.

Unhealthy patterns around money which gambling largely encourages ....can't keep money.

They blow 2k on a bet but are stingy for basic living necessities. Its skewed thinking. And the OP seems stuck in it. And THIS is driven LARGELY by the culture he works in. Its normalized.

He can't stay in that industry. And he needs to leave the environment. And she needs to leave him.

Just because what he is doing is legal doesn't mean its good for him.

I am not saying GUILT him. etc Guilt is a useless emotion. But you need to understand the part the industry played in it so he gets out and away from those people and that culture.

He has an unhealthy relationship with money and gambling. That kind of money ...you can't keep.

This guy is drowning.

rainbowtrout

Gigiplease wrote: »

I love him so much but I just want all this lying to stop. I want to be able to not have any thing between us. I want to be able to look to the future and plan our future together.

I asked him today about the betting. Asked him to promise me that he is not betting, and he just responded “I can’t promise you that” and that’s how I got it out of him.

He’s actually quite money savvy apart from the gambling. Always trying to do his best to save money, always planning his budgeting etc. He can’t wait to get a mortgage and a house, but when he finally came into some money, it wasn’t enough.

The lying is not going to stop, because if he tells the truth then he has to confront his gambling and change and he does not want to change. And he doesn't have to if you put up with it and enable him by giving him access to your bank account.

The response from him highlighted above: this is probably the most honest thing he's said to you throughout your whole relationship. He told you in that one sentence that he is not going to change. Your choice is whether to stay with him and put up with it, or decide not to put up with it and either leave or see if he changes.

He's not money savvy. Anyone that came into a windfall of 16k who was saving for a mortgage would think 'brilliant, that's my deposit or a good chunk of it'. Except he pissed it away in a very short period of time. Telling you that you need to save and budget is just deflecting away from his problem and putting the focus on you for a problem that doesn't exist.

If you stay in this relationship and he continues to gamble things won't change, they will only get worse. If he is at a point where he gambled away 16k, and is placing 2k bets then things are bad and you are only hearing about the stuff he chooses to tell you.

Have a read of this book

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tony-10-astonishing-postman-gambled/dp/0717179702

It is a true story of a Wexford postman who had a gambling addiction and it escalated to the point that he stole €1.75 million and gambled it all. He started out much like your boyfriend and was at the same craic with the bets getting bigger and bigger. While it is the extreme end of things, I'm sure you'll see a lot of parallels.

Gigiplease

Just had a huge fight with him over this.. I can’t deal with it

He’s putting the blame on me, saying he lied to me because I ‘put a barrier between us’ and he couldn’t tell me the truth.. which is a lie? I’ve never put a barrier between us...

I love him to bits, I don’t know what to do.. I can’t deal...