How common is it to be turned off by the prospect of marriage/kids?

mr_fegelien

In the last few decades, women have been liberated (at least in the Western World) to the extent that there's generally no social obligation to get married and have kids. Many more women than ever are choosing a childfree/husband-free lifestyle.

I wonder though about men. How many men are completely put of by the idea of marriage/kids? I'm only in my early 20s but ever since I was 13, I swore never to get married or have kids.

For me the main reason is financial. I'm in college and struggling. I know the job market has become much more competitive for millenials/Gen Z'ers in the last 50 years and I don't think I can balance struggling in a job/finding housing while trying to raise a kid for 18+ years.

I don't want to be lonely so I'd probably get into a relationship with a girl but definitely not marriage. I know a few men who have been absolutely destroyed in family court again in terms of finances. Having to pay 50% of their wage towards maintenance for their kids/spouse whom they'll never see/rarely see. Also looking at worse examples like Jeff Bezos and the amount of money his wife will get in a divorce makes me shake my head in bewilderment as to why he even got married in the first place.

440Hertz

On the other side of it I know several couples who’ve had marriages break down, got divorced and did so in a totally civilised and amicable way. It’s not always a big drama.

A lot of marriages are very balanced and mutually supportive. You’re painting a rather grim view of life as a couple.

If you have kids you’re responsible for them. That’s just life and it’s not a bad thing.

Also there are loads of people totally happy to have kids. There are people in straight and gay couples who can’t have kids easily who go out of their way to overcome those hurdles too and are very happy about raising a family. Others are delighted to not have kids.

Having kids isn’t for everyone and I don’t think there’s any answer to your question.

It’s your life. You have your own views, priorities, objectives, hopes, dreams and what makes you happy may differ from me and we both may differ from someone else.

So I guess all I’m saying is having kids can be brilliant, not stressful at all, rewarding and great fun, or it can be a total drag.

Some people don’t care about money. Others do.
Some are very family oriented. Others aren’t.

You’re asking for answers that nobody can give.

Many things will change in your life as you grow older, Mr fegelien.

Starting boards threads about all of the joys that are ahead of you won't give you the wisdom of experience in advance

I wouldn't worry about the misfortune of Jeff bezos ever striking you, in any case.

Padre_Pio

Firstly, a lot of your examples are extremes. Extremely bad divorces, divorce settlements, expenses etc.
This is just the risk you take, same as any major life choice and in general, marriage is very high reward, low risk. Hopefully you end up with a loving family.

Secondly, Women have exactly the same worries and responsibilities and hopefully, if you do get married, kids etc, you and your partner will be a team, tackling these challenges together. You're not in it alone.

Finally, you're not at the stage if your life where these things matter. You're in college, why would you begin to think about marriage and kids. Far more pressing things to worry about. Exams, job, money, career, progression etc. In 5 years, when you're hopefully more financially stable, and maybe in a relationship, marriage and kids will start to become more like the next step in life.

It's weird seeing your friends turn from immature lads into father's and husband's, but you'll start thinking "f*ck it, if he can do it, I'll have no bother"

Ekerot

The divorce rate in Ireland is nearly 15% if I'm reading this statistic here correctly.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce_demography

Personally marriage sounds like a pain, or a "Misunderstanding between two idiots" as my father would put it.
That and I hate weddings, or more specifically Irish weddings since the few I've been to feel like some warped Barbie fantasy of the brides.
25000 for a dinner dance and half cooked Yorkshire Puddings? No way José! I'd rather just get the marriage cert and go to a restaurant afterwards with my beloved.

august12

Ekerot wrote: »

The divorce rate in Ireland is nearly 15% if I'm reading this statistic here correctly.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divorce_demography

Personally marriage sounds like a pain, or a "Misunderstanding between two idiots" as my father would put it.
That and I hate weddings, or more specifically Irish weddings since the few I've been to feel like some warped Barbie fantasy of the brides.
25000 for a dinner dance and half cooked Yorkshire Puddings? No way José! I'd rather just get the marriage cert and go to a restaurant afterwards with my beloved.

This has to be the funniest post today!!!

Eire Go Brach

Your still young. You might change. Lot can happen.

As an atheist. For me that’s how we live on. Through our kids. Just like every other animal on this planet. Another way to look at it.

Padre_Pio

Eire Go Brach wrote: »

Your still young. You might change. Lot can happen.

As an atheist. For me that’s how we live on. Through our kids. Just like every other animal on this planet. Another way to look at it.

That's a weird statement to make.
If atheism reduces having children down to a simple biological act, no different than animals, then I may start going back to mass.

What about atheism stops you having children because you and your partner wish to have them, to watch them grow up and experience the world, and to have lifelong companions?

SeaFields

I know quite a few lads that swore, in their early twenties, they'd never have kids. They are now in their thirties and absolutely loving being fathers.

I'm not married nor a dad.
I'd make a poor parent.

I've abstained from the poll.

Mongfinder General

More and more people are just going their own way - it ain't worth putting up with a lifetime of compromise if you're not happy or happier being single.
If you do ever get married - have a plan b. Make sure you've got fcuk all to your name on paper. Easier said than done but still doable. At least if you end up in the family law court you can cry poverty.

PsychoPete

I have zero interest in getting married or having children and it's the same for herself. I can't see that changing for me any time soon

Eire Go Brach

Padre_Pio wrote: »

That's a weird statement to make.
If atheism reduces having children down to a simple biological act, no different than animals, then I may start going back to mass.

What about atheism stops you having children because you and your partner wish to have them, to watch them grow up and experience the world, and to have lifelong companions?

Ok exclude the atheism bit. If I lived my life without procreating. I would feel it’s a bit of a waste. It’s just how I would feel. We only have one life. Just do whatever makes you happy. I have 2 kids and have no real interest in marriage.

antimatterx

Sorry, Bezos didn't lose money, his wife got her share. They quit their jobs, moved to Seattle and set up Amazon together.

Also she settled for 50% of what she could have got.

El Gato De Negocios

mr_fegelien wrote: »

In the last few decades, women have been liberated (at least in the Western World) to the extent that there's generally no social obligation to get married and have kids. Many more women than ever are choosing a childfree/husband-free lifestyle.

I wonder though about men. How many men are completely put of by the idea of marriage/kids? I'm only in my early 20s but ever since I was 13, I swore never to get married or have kids.

For me the main reason is financial. I'm in college and struggling. I know the job market has become much more competitive for millenials/Gen Z'ers in the last 50 years and I don't think I can balance struggling in a job/finding housing while trying to raise a kid for 18+ years.

I don't want to be lonely so I'd probably get into a relationship with a girl but definitely not marriage. I know a few men who have been absolutely destroyed in family court again in terms of finances. Having to pay 50% of their wage towards maintenance for their kids/spouse whom they'll never see/rarely see. Also looking at worse examples like Jeff Bezos and the amount of money his wife will get in a divorce makes me shake my head in bewilderment as to why he even got married in the first place.

Are you studying psychology?

Because pretty much every single thread you start is related to relationships or psychology.

Seems like you are just farming for a course rather then just being an oddball the cursory glance at your posts would indicate.

eviltwin

Married 12 years and have two kids. Personally I could have left the marriage bit out but the laws here don't give the same rights to cohabiting couples so it made sense to make it legal. A good relationship is a great place to be, I'm blessed I knew my partner as a friend for a long time before we hooked up and I think that gave us a good base. 25 years together next year and I still wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Kids are hard work but don't stay kids forever. My eldest is mid 20's and we have a great relationship as adults, that gets me though the hump of dealing with my youngest.

Dickie10

37 now and absolutley no gra happening at all for either a relationship or kids. lockdown was tough not going out socialising as i may have hooked up with the right person if they came along, kind of gone from that routine now and no intrest or longing for it now at all. but kids or marriage absolutley scares the heck out of me yes.

pwurple

The thing about kids is, they aren’t kids for long. And while that baby bit can be quite boring and annoying, your own offspring are the funniest / most interesting human beings you’ve ever met once they start to talk and have the craic.

Deep Thought

so.. I have seen many of the OPs posts.

OP, you are always asking about this kinda stuff....

Its time to stop asking the forums and get out and experience it

We are not you...nobody on here really cares what you do, we all voice an opinion but dont care what you do with that advice

so, to reiterate, my advice, get off the forums and find the answers in real life

Dickie10

i think its a good topic , something you dont here much about, like are men looked down upon in society for staying marriage free, child free and maybe even relationship free. i know i have never been in a serious relationship in my life and im 37. i would think its not that uncommon i know 3 friends the same all late 30s

Irish_rat

Kids and marriage is great but you have to pay for that gratitude for 15+ years.

Personally, I want to be financially independent in the next 5 years.

Padre_Pio

Irish_rat wrote: »

Kids and marriage is great but you have to pay for that gratitude for 15+ years.

Personally, I want to be financially independent in the next 5 years.

Sometimes 25+ years, per child :pac:

Irish_rat

Padre_Pio wrote: »

Sometimes 25+ years, per child :pac:

Yeah and that means you are tied to working until you retire an old man. Just my 2 cents

Padre_Pio

Irish_rat wrote: »

Yeah and that means you are tied to working until you retire an old man. Just my 2 cents

Well, they are your kids. You should love them unconditionally and want them to succeed. Many of us got where we are off the hard work and effort of our parents.

sportsfan90

I'm not one of those who swore to never have kids, tbh in my early 20s I never really thought about it a whole lot.

I'm now 30 and while I'm thinking about it a bit more, I'm still not edging any closer to thinking I'd like to be a dad some day. Hopefully I'll have nieces & nephews, but the want to ever have some of my own still is pretty much non-existant.

I guess being a man I have the luxury of not having the body-clock issues to the same extent that women have once they near 40.

Dickie10

still huge amount of bachelors older men around my area is it still common in ireland

Galwayguy35

I was supposed to get married years ago, I called it off because I couldn't say for definite if I wanted to have kids and while it was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do it was the right decision.

My ex is now with someone who could give her the marriage and kids which she wanted to have.

I think some people go ahead with a wedding despite having doubts about the whole thing and it just leads to heartache for both parties down the line.

FHFM50

sportsfan90 wrote: »

I'm not one of those who swore to never have kids, tbh in my early 20s I never really thought about it a whole lot.

I'm now 30 and while I'm thinking about it a bit more, I'm still not edging any closer to thinking I'd like to be a dad some day. Hopefully I'll have nieces & nephews, but the want to ever have some of my own still is pretty much non-existant.

I guess being a man I have the luxury of not having the body-clock issues to the same extent that women have once they near 40.

Not true, as we age the quality of our sperm decreases and the chances of a child having mental health issues such as Autism or Schizophrenia becomes much more likely.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/children-with-older-dads-at-greater-mental-illness-risk/#:~:text=Males%20may%20have%20the%20advantage,disorders%2C%20especially%20autism%20and%20schizophrenia.

fineso.mom

You're 'worse' example of Jeff Bezos doesn't add much to your argument. He didn't just give her 38billion of his money. They divided up their assests,he gets to keep 75%of their Amazon stock and voting control over her 4% stake in the company.
They started the company together and have agreed how they want to divide their assets. How is this a 'worse example'?
What do you think should happen when people divorce?

Wibbs

FHFM50 wrote: »

Not true, as we age the quality of our sperm decreases and the chances of a child having mental health issues such as Autism or Schizophrenia becomes much more likely.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/children-with-older-dads-at-greater-mental-illness-risk/#:~:text=Males%20may%20have%20the%20advantage,disorders%2C%20especially%20autism%20and%20schizophrenia.

Actually the more you dig into that it's not nearly so clear cut. Take the three times higher! stat. No numbers given. If the risk of something is in ideal circumstances 1 in 100, then 3 in 100 is "three times higher" but it's still low risk. Similar goes on with regard to an increase in birth defects and the like with older mothers. Yes the risk goes up, but not nearly to the degree some scaremongering suggests. It also depends on the fitness and biological age of the men(and women). All things being equal a pre-diabetic overweight 35 year old with a hash habit is going to be producing worse swimmers than a fit as a butcher's dog 45 year old who does marathons for the craic.

But Sportsfan still has a point, the fact is a 50, 60, even 70 year old bloke can still father a child, a 50 year old woman can't(unless through major medical assistance), so there is less pressure on men compared to women on that score. Forgetting extremes it is certainly true that a 35 year old guy is under far less pressure than a 35 year old woman who wants to have a family.

Wibbs

fineso.mom wrote: »

They started the company together and have agreed how they want to divide their assets. How is this a 'worse example'?
What do you think should happen when people divorce?

Indeed. It's hardly as if she rocked up when he was already a multi billionaire stuck it out for a few years and then cashed in. She supported him from the start and raised his kids while doing so. What she got IMHO is very fair.