Sleeping together men/women

LegacyUser

This is more to do with online dating.
How long do ye wait? Is it I will sleep with her/him and move on then?

In my experience men tend to be so, so nice before sleeping together and then just disappear. They tell you anything to sleep with them. And naively I have believed some stuff:(
And repeatedly get hurt. They wanna spend time and do stuff before sex and after that well no they text less and all "excuses "come into play.

Is 4 or 5 dates not long enough to wait?
Maybe I am just bad in bed.

I tend to believe men when they tell me they not talking to anyone else.
I even had one guy ask me to move in after I slept with him very early on. Obviously this was not genuine but I was so into him I believed it at the time but alas I was ghosted and unbelievable excuses given.

I would really like to hear a mans prospective on this also.
When the chase is gone is it I can't be bothered with her I will move onto the next?

I am aware not all men not like this but let's just say I have datd a lot and same scenario all the time.:(

sbsquarepants

I think you're looking at it wrong. My personal take on it is you know within 1 second of meeting someone if you'd like to have sex with them. It takes a lot longer to know if you'd like to spend any considerable time, or maybe even the rest of your life with them, having sex with someone is not going to make them like you less, or think less of you, quite the opposite in fact.

I've just never seen the point in making someone wait for sex, so much so that i just wouldn't do it, 2 or 3 dates absolute maximum, if nothing's happening by then i'm gone. If you're just looking to hang out and pass the time, do it with your mates and don't involve me is how i'd look at things. Sometimes things would fizzle out after we'd slept together, but so what, that's just life, they would have fizzled out anyway, it was never a case of "I've gotten what I wanted now on to the next one" or anything like that.

I'm a man by the way!

Xterminator

Hi Op

i know you are talking about your personal experience. But men and women are not separate species. You may have experienced that once you sleep with them you are dropped. It happens, and its very hurtful if you are anyway sensitive to how you are treated. Completely understandable.

Dating has changed - years ago it was frowned on to date two people. Today you cannot assume you are exclusive without talking about it first. How we get dates has changed too - and there is no doubt there are people on dating apps just looking for sex. And the apps kind of encourage you to run a few conversations at the same time and see where they go. It does commodify and in applike like tinder sexualise the dating process. the people you match with are anonymous and its far easier to ghost a person you dont know, than a person who knows you outside of the dating game who may you your friends and family and you vice versa. Its less ethical now - because of the anonymity and the ease of chatting with many different people at the same time. Some men & some women ghost their partners. Its not just one gender, or for just one reason - eg sex. And it appears to me that people can act less ethically because they can be less invested in the first place.
If its getting you down, you should consider giving dating apps a break for a while.

Another of the points you made, is around when you 1st have sex with a prospective partner.

I think you shouldn't sleep with someone until you are comfortable with it. But that is certainly not a set number of dates, nor a set timeframe. It depends on you, and the other party.

The idea of withholding sex, as a test of your prospective partner just to see how they react, is in my mind just you playing games. And you you can play games, why shouldn't they?

Thelonious Monk

Do you not know from the connection with the guy whether you have real chemistry and there's something there that's special between you? Because if you don't, maybe you shouldn't sleep with the person.
I have always known right away and so has the other person when we have something good going on, it's obvious from how you bounce off one another when you're talking and it all just feels so natural. If I met the person on the app and I really liked them, I'd have zero interest in talking to others on the apps.
Do you feel like this with the guys you're sleeping with?
I would never bother pursuing a girl I didn't want something to develop with, and going on multiple dates etc just for sex, but I'm sure loads of men do this just to get laid. Way too much hassle for me.
But it doesn't sound like you're sure if you should be sleeping with these people, so if I were you I wouldn't.

LegacyUser

I do always know yes if there is a connection.
3 times. I prob thought he was " the one"
But I slept with them and then that was that.
I don't like games at all but I did feel right sleeping with them maybe 4 dates in but maybe it's too early in the dating world.

The guys are so nice to me and texting and dating before sleeping together and then all of a sudden switch.

The excuse the last lad gave was he was "too busy" yet I seen him with a girl the next week! And he is still with her.
So therefore he was clearly dating her at same time and yeah he had told me he wasn't interested in anyone else.
I hate the lies the most. I wish I hadn't invested in him but sure it's ife. It's very difficult to trust men and when I do they always turn out to be lying to me.
This kinda thing happens me all the time. I think oh he so lovely and this is going somewhere and then bam. It's done.
Like, I am not ugly. Size 10, pretty . Not a model by any means

I am myself but I gotta be doing something wrong.

rapul

Your not doing anything wrong, that's just the way things are these days sadly. For men and women there is too much choice on the apps so why not you know, not condoning or saying its good behaviour but if people can they will.
Don't be so hard on yourself, it's not you. It's society and how life is nowadays until you meet the right person!

Ella281

rapul wrote: »

Your not doing anything wrong, that's just the way things are these days sadly. For men and women there is too much choice on the apps so why not you know, not condoning or saying its good behaviour but if people can they will.
Don't be so hard on yourself, it's not you. It's society and how life is nowadays until you meet the right person!

Not to be smart here, I’m being genuine when I ask where does that leave people like the OP, me and others who simply want to meet someone and see where it goes without worrying about being ghosted or dropped for other options?
It’s easy to say don’t be hard on yourself but as you say there’s so much choice.. so how’s does one navigate the dating scene when you’re pre judged?
And this isn’t one or two idiots online, this is the majority of daters acting like this without a valid reason...?

Redderthanever

Please please do not take any of this to heart. How people treat you is not a reflection of your worth as a person. It is hurtful when you think you're on the same page as someone, start to get excited and actually be optimistic about them and then to have the rug pulled from underneath you- but please do not internalise it. Nor should you use sex as a bargaining chip, something to dangle in order to keep someone interested, if it feels right go for it, if it starts not to feel good, then be cautious and wait, not for them, but for yourself. Meet people where they meet you and take everything with a pinch of salt and a healthy dose of good humoured cynicism. Listen to the words and wait to see if the actions match- keep something in reserve for yourself.

Thelonious Monk

Ella281 wrote: »

Not to be smart here, I’m being genuine when I ask where does that leave people like the OP, me and others who simply want to meet someone and see where it goes without worrying about being ghosted or dropped for other options?
It’s easy to say don’t be hard on yourself but as you say there’s so much choice.. so how’s does one navigate the dating scene when you’re pre judged?
And this isn’t one or two idiots online, this is the majority of daters acting like this without a valid reason...?

I've only met nice women online anyway. I suppose if you don't have expectations and don't take it seriously you'll never get burned, that's how I play it anyway.
Sounds like you and the OP are just having bad luck with people who weren't interested in the first place.

rapul

Ella281 wrote: »

Not to be smart here, I’m being genuine when I ask where does that leave people like the OP, me and others who simply want to meet someone and see where it goes without worrying about being ghosted or dropped for other options?
It’s easy to say don’t be hard on yourself but as you say there’s so much choice.. so how’s does one navigate the dating scene when you’re pre judged?
And this isn’t one or two idiots online, this is the majority of daters acting like this without a valid reason...?

No I understand what you mean. There's no answer I can give u as to where that leaves you, covid and online dating will be the normal for a long time so will always be the chance of being ghosted or something.
I'm in the same boat by the way so I feel your pain, it works both ways unfortunately doesn't matter man or woman life's a bitch just have to filter through all the crap and hope but I know it's hard

Ella281

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I've only met nice women online anyway. I suppose if you don't have expectations and don't take it seriously you'll never get burned, that's how I play it anyway.
Sounds like you and the OP are just having bad luck with people who weren't interested in the first place.

Oh monk, you’ve no idea. All I’ll say is I’ve been so hurt.
You know me a while on here. To say I’m disillusioned is an understatement.
Like OP, I’d rate myself as a catch. Professional career, good looking, in shape, good personality, active etc and I’m invisible.
I don’t have any expectations as such only that I’m treated with respect like the way I treat the other person. I usually turn up wanting to see if we click and are compatible /have chemistry and if so, go with the flow and see what happens.
I would never expect a relationship from the get-go, I like to get to know the person and see.

Timing belt

Sleepingtog wrote: »

I do always know yes if there is a connection.
3 times. I prob thought he was " the one"
But I slept with them and then that was that.
I don't like games at all but I did feel right sleeping with them maybe 4 dates in but maybe it's too early in the dating world.

The guys are so nice to me and texting and dating before sleeping together and then all of a sudden switch.

The excuse the last lad gave was he was "too busy" yet I seen him with a girl the next week! And he is still with her.
So therefore he was clearly dating her at same time and yeah he had told me he wasn't interested in anyone else.
I hate the lies the most. I wish I hadn't invested in him but sure it's ife. It's very difficult to trust men and when I do they always turn out to be lying to me.
This kinda thing happens me all the time. I think oh he so lovely and this is going somewhere and then bam. It's done.
Like, I am not ugly. Size 10, pretty . Not a model by any means

I am myself but I gotta be doing something wrong.

Maybe you are just unlucky with who you met and have not met the right person yet. Don’t be so hard on yourself

Gruffalux

Sounds horrible. I would hate it. Old fashioned opinion alert but sex is a very intimate thing, and usually emotional, and while women love it as much as men they are likely to be more affected by it. On lots of levels. Sure it can be simply a fun thing to do with relative strangers but I think for girls and women it is less likely to be easily shrugged off as just another random physical encounter. Anyways. Whatever. I am out of step. I would not bother with those apps if I was looking to meet someone. I would rather get to know a person and have a laugh and a bit of romance before sleeping with them.

kalych

Sleepingtog wrote: »

This is more to do with online dating.
How long do ye wait? Is it I will sleep with her/him and move on then?
...
I am aware not all men not like this but let's just say I have datd a lot and same scenario all the time.:(

In my opinion sex has very little to do with building a relationship these days (but loads to do with keeping an existing relationship going). Not recognising this trend is what can lead to you feeling hurt.

You can obviously withhold sex, however all that's likely to achieve is that these same fellas that are ghosting you after sex now, will start ghosting you 2-3 dates in if you withhold sex. This may indeed be a preferred outcome for you if you are finding it difficult to not get attached after sleeping with someone.

A slightly better outcome would be to learn not to get attached based on sex alone and treat it as part of getting to know if you are compatible with your dates. But I guess that's the balance each of us has to find for him/herself.

Best of luck OP!

cannotlogin

Everyone is different so there's no right answer.

In my experience, there's zero correlation between how soon you sleep with someone and how a relationship might develop & I don't think there's a clear male/female divide on it either.

Do it when it suits you. The only mistake is to think sex is as important to you as the other person or that it means anything, often it doesn't it's just sex Sometime it is, often times it's not. Some things things fizzle out anyway and it's not down to whether you sleep with someone or not.

Also thinking he's "the one" in the very early days does you no good. Especially before you've even slept with him. What happens if he just doesn't do it for you in bed or there's no real sexual chemistry afterwards etc. Keep expectations low and expect zero until you're together at least 6 months.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Pinoy adventure - when replying to a thread in PI/RI posters are asked to give constructive advice to an OP. Please read the Charter before posting here again.

HS

Esse85

From a male perspective, there's girls we'd sleep with yet not consider girlfriend/wife material, all for various reasons.

I'm sure the same applies with girls saying that about guys.

For me personally, I can identify a girl who I may want to sleep with, yet not pursue a relationship.

There was one occasion I was seeing a girl a couple of months, thought I liked her, we slept together, and I knew immediately afterwards I'm not feeling this. I've no idea what it was, I can't explain it, that's just how I felt.

On a different occasion I've been in that situation and just wanted to cuddle and look after the girl and in my head I'm thinking that felt so right I cannot wait to do it again.

Pawwed Rig

OP maybe it is the type of guys you are naturally attracted to that is the problem. Try to look at common traits that might give you an indication as to where you are going wrong. It is a good few years since I used online dating and I will admit that things have changed since then but I could always tell when a girl was a time waster or not. You could tell by the standard of their replies and the initial profile.

Ella281

Esse85 wrote: »

From a male perspective, there's girls we'd sleep with yet not consider girlfriend/wife material, all for various reasons.

I'm sure the same applies with girls saying that about guys.

For me personally, I can identify a girl who I may want to sleep with, yet not pursue a relationship.

There was one occasion I was seeing a girl a couple of months, thought I liked her, we slept together, and I knew immediately afterwards I'm not feeling this. I've no idea what it was, I can't explain it, that's just how I felt.

On a different occasion I've been in that situation and just wanted to cuddle and look after the girl and in my head I'm thinking that felt so right I cannot wait to do it again.

Do you think it was where you were in your life or timing etc ?

I’m just curious? Because as a woman, I often feel I’m at fault even though I’m also quite logical and when I lay out the facts, I know I actually didn’t do anything wrong.

Esse85

Ella281 wrote: »

Do you think it was where you were in your life or timing etc ?

I’m just curious? Because as a woman, I often feel I’m at fault even though I’m also quite logical and when I lay out the facts, I know I actually didn’t do anything wrong.

I definitely don't or wouldn't blame the girl, it's more of an internal thing, sometimes I just feel it and sometimes I don't, hard to put it into logic or words.
It's a bit like there's sometimes a person in your life and you just feel really good around them, connected, attracted, yet you cannot describe why, or on paper it doesn't make sense.
And on the flip side, you sometimes get that "I'm just not feeling it vibe" despite all the boxes checking out on paper.

So to answer your question, I don't think it was timing or where I was in my life.

Does that make sense?

Ella281

Esse85 wrote: »

I definitely don't or wouldn't blame the girl, it's more of an internal thing, sometimes I just feel it and sometimes I don't, hard to put it into logic or words.
It's a bit like there's sometimes a person in your life and you just feel really good around them, connected, attracted, yet you cannot describe why, or on paper it doesn't make sense.
And on the flip side, you sometimes get that "I'm just not feeling it vibe" despite all the boxes checking out on paper.

So to answer your question, I don't think it was timing or where I was in my life.

Does that make sense?

Yeah I’ve experienced that. Just not feeling it kinda vibe.
Which is absolutely fine and I’d always be honest with them but I do struggle to understand the ghosting, dropping people and ignoring them. Especially after a couple of dates.

Esse85

Ella281 wrote: »

Yeah I’ve experienced that. Just not feeling it kinda vibe.
Which is absolutely fine and I’d always be honest with them but I do struggle to understand the ghosting, dropping people and ignoring them. Especially after a couple of dates.

Well yeah that's a different seperate issue entirely and stems from the never ending options people have these days, the constant roll the dice attitude.
On a recent first time date, before asking the girl to go for coffee, i said on whatsapp, before we commit to a coffee, let's both agree that if we grab a coffee together, that we'll both message each other soon after and be honest about whether we wanna meet again or not.

Once you get that in there, it sets the intention, I'm communicating that I won't ghost you after the date and I don't expect you to either, and we both verbally agree beforehand. As it turns out, we both said we'd like to see one another again.

But I think it needs to be said upfront and before, rather than assuming contact will be made after. As people have different expectations.
And if someone agrees, and then doesn't keep to their word, well then your better off without that person.

Ella281

Esse85 wrote: »

Well yeah that's a different seperate issue entirely and stems from the never ending options people have these days, the constant roll the dice attitude.
On a recent first time date, before asking the girl to go for coffee, i said on whatsapp, before we commit to a coffee, let's both agree that if we grab a coffee together, that we'll both message each other soon after and be honest about whether we wanna meet again or not.

Once you get that in there, it sets the intention, I'm communicating that I won't ghost you after the date and I don't expect you to either, and we both verbally agree beforehand. As it turns out, we both said we'd like to see one another again.

But I think it needs to be said upfront and before, rather than assuming contact will be made after. As people have different expectations.
And if someone agrees, and then doesn't keep to their word, well then your better off without that person.

Yeah that’s fair.
At least you know where you stand. The mature adult approach!
I respect that. Wish others could be as honest and respectful as that.

Gruffalux

Ella and Esse...nice name combo. Just saying

Esse85

Gruffalux wrote: »

Ella and Esse...nice name combo. Just saying

What is it your saying exactly, I'm lost?

Gekko

Probably an unpopular / old fashioned opinion nowadays, speaking as a guy who is in his late 30s and still single, but if this has happened to you a few times OP, maybe think about the following.

Not sure what your usual timeline is in terms of being 4/5 dates in, maybe the same number of weeks?

Try and keep to a rule of not sleeping with them until at least 2 months of dating, maybe even 3...

If they like you enough, they should respect your stance on this and stick around...try to focus on friendship and a deeper connection so that if / when you do sleep together it feels meaningful for you both hopefully. This sounds really cliched but anyway...

Then again maybe that’s just not realistic any more

Women I’ve dated took the sort of approach that I’ve outlined and I respected it. They made it clear they’d like to focus on friendship initially and they’d let me know if they wanted something more or not.

I can also recall one date where she was clearly keen to sleep with me on the first date...!

Everyone has to do what’s right for them in the end I guess

LegacyUser

You might be right Gekko.
It usually is just a few weeks.
If they can it so easy elsewhere let them off.
The people who never had to do online dating don't know how easy they had it.

sbsquarepants

Sleepingtog wrote: »

The people who never had to do online dating don't know how easy they had it.

I don't know about that. I missed the whole online dating thing (i'm old and decrepit, I'm 47:eek:)


I think i would have loved to have a crack at tinder - it just seems so god damn easy. Try walking into a bar and picking up a stranger if you want a challenge!

LegacyUser

I am guessing you're not single now but there are plenty of 47 year old men on Tinder.
I don't consider that old. I am 40 !. I don't consider myself to be that though and still think I am young in my head anyway!!

Esse85

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I don't know about that. I missed the whole online dating thing (i'm old and decrepit, I'm 47:eek:)


I think i would have loved to have a crack at tinder - it just seems so god damn easy. Try walking into a bar and picking up a stranger if you want a challenge!

It's far from easy.
In the bar your only competing against guys in there, online your competing against everyone.

You can attempt to chat to anyone in a bar. You don't have that option online until you get a match.

Grass isn't always greener but in a bar there is far less barriers as opposed to online.

Ella281

Esse85 wrote: »

It's far from easy.
In the bar your only competing against guys in there, online your competing against everyone.

You can attempt to chat to anyone in a bar. You don't have that option online until you get a match.

Grass isn't always greener but in a bar there is far less barriers as opposed to online.

I’d prefer to meet someone in person anyway. I have had thousands of matches and I still find online apps a nightmare and when you meet in person, it’s organic and you can deal with the face to face and see what they are like rather than the facade they present when texting. I’ve often found myself on dates with lads from the apps I wouldn’t of looked at twice due to the way the carry themselves/mannerisms.

sbsquarepants

Esse85 wrote: »

It's far from easy.
In the bar your only competing against guys in there, online your competing against everyone.

You can attempt to chat to anyone in a bar. You don't have that option online until you get a match.

Grass isn't always greener but in a bar there is far less barriers as opposed to online.

Swings and roundabouts though, in the bar you can only go for who happens to be there too, you don't have an endless list to peruse. Not everyone in the bar is available, or interested in hooking up or meeting someone, they could be married, they could be gay, they could just find you physically repulsive, at least with tinder you've already got an idea that they at least like the look of you. In real life it's very much a shot in the dark!



It's scary shít hitting on women in bars......oh dear god i miss it:D

Gruffalux

sbsquarepants wrote: »

S

It's scary shít hitting on women in bars......oh dear god i miss it:D

I hope yer wife misses it too.
Maybe ye could sign up to Tinder together and you could get all this regret out of your system? Watch out though, she might get the ride quicker and more often than you. Ah well. Worth a try to get some of the longing off you.

Hannibal_Smith

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If you've no advice to offer the OP, please move on to another thread.

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HS

bitofabind

If you're dating a lot and getting the same results, time to take a closer look at your approach and make some changes. It's almost certainly red flags you're ignoring or there's a deeper meaning in this stuff for you than "meet a compatible partner".

A few things to remember:

- A majority of men who use the apps are emotionally unavailable. They're a breeding ground for the non-committal type. Stay on the apps long enough, and the same faces crop up year after year. I know this because I met them all and also I was one! What does an emotionally unavailable person look like: jumps in and love bombs you, then disappears. Sexualises things too quickly. Dates a lot of people at one time. Talks poorly about exes. Recently divorced or separated. Is hot and cold with you. Wants to text all day and all night. Wants to ignore any conversation about commitment. These are all red flags if you're looking for something long-term. Sounds like you've run into a rake of men you should never have been involved with in the first place.

- Your needs matter most here. Setting boundaries is essential. I don't use the apps any more, but for me, if he tried to get my number and meet after 5 minutes of chat, I was over it. Fine for some people, not comfortable for me. If he wasn't able to answer a few basic questions about what he's looking for, fcuk right off. If we were hitting it off, a few dates and then he started pulling the hot and cold stuff, I'd move on immediately. Any ambiguity or lack of commitment vibes and I'd lose interest. It's important to know your needs - write them out right now. What do you need? Regular communication? Someone who makes you feel happy, someone that brings stability, a steady build of things and doesn't throw you into emotional rollercoaster mode? What do you need before getting intimate with someone? Trust, commitment? An agreement that you're official? It sounds like you've landed where you are by essentially ignoring your own needs.

- Relevant to the second point: you can only neglect your own needs when you've got self-esteem issues. You somehow don't believe your needs matter and think you have to go along with someone else's plans and needs to get love. You can't ask for what you need. Not true. By not asking, you're ending up with incompatible fcukwits. You need to start asking. In order to start asking, you need to get rid of this idea that you're "not enough". We all struggle with this one. Bring it to the dating apps and you're prime fodder for these messers. What can you do to work on your self confidence?

- Again, relates to the last point. You don't need a man / partner to be a valid human with worth. Just like you don't need to have a house / great job / perfect body to be a valid human with worth. So many people allow these apps and the people they meet on them to inform their self-worth, their sense of who they are. If you meet a dcikhead, it's the fault of the dcikhead, not you for entertaining him. The greatest mechanism I found for managing my expectations with the apps was being pretty damn happy on my own. I love my life, and would love to meet someone, but love my free time too much to be dealing with gobsh1tes. Unless we've got a really great connection and I feel totally accepted and appreciated, I'm not wasting my time. Are you totally happy with your life and who you are?

kalych

bitofabind wrote: »

If you're dating a lot and getting the same results, time to take a closer look at your approach and make some changes. It's almost certainly red flags you're ignoring or there's a deeper meaning in this stuff for you than "meet a compatible partner".

A few things to remember:

- A majority of men who use the apps are emotionally unavailable. They're a breeding ground for the non-committal type. Stay on the apps long enough, and the same faces crop up year after year. I know this because I met them all and also I was one! What does an emotionally unavailable person look like: jumps in and love bombs you, then disappears. Sexualises things too quickly. Dates a lot of people at one time. Talks poorly about exes. Recently divorced or separated. Is hot and cold with you. Wants to text all day and all night. Wants to ignore any conversation about commitment. These are all red flags if you're looking for something long-term. Sounds like you've run into a rake of men you should never have been involved with in the first place.

- Your needs matter most here. Setting boundaries is essential. I don't use the apps any more, but for me, if he tried to get my number and meet after 5 minutes of chat, I was over it. Fine for some people, not comfortable for me. If he wasn't able to answer a few basic questions about what he's looking for, fcuk right off. If we were hitting it off, a few dates and then he started pulling the hot and cold stuff, I'd move on immediately. Any ambiguity or lack of commitment vibes and I'd lose interest. It's important to know your needs - write them out right now. What do you need? Regular communication? Someone who makes you feel happy, someone that brings stability, a steady build of things and doesn't throw you into emotional rollercoaster mode? What do you need before getting intimate with someone? Trust, commitment? An agreement that you're official? It sounds like you've landed where you are by essentially ignoring your own needs.

- Relevant to the second point: you can only neglect your own needs when you've got self-esteem issues. You somehow don't believe your needs matter and think you have to go along with someone else's plans and needs to get love. You can't ask for what you need. Not true. By not asking, you're ending up with incompatible fcukwits. You need to start asking. In order to start asking, you need to get rid of this idea that you're "not enough". We all struggle with this one. Bring it to the dating apps and you're prime fodder for these messers. What can you do to work on your self confidence?

- Again, relates to the last point. You don't need a man / partner to be a valid human with worth. Just like you don't need to have a house / great job / perfect body to be a valid human with worth. So many people allow these apps and the people they meet on them to inform their self-worth, their sense of who they are. If you meet a dcikhead, it's the fault of the dcikhead, not you for entertaining him. The greatest mechanism I found for managing my expectations with the apps was being pretty damn happy on my own. I love my life, and would love to meet someone, but love my free time too much to be dealing with gobsh1tes. Unless we've got a really great connection and I feel totally accepted and appreciated, I'm not wasting my time. Are you totally happy with your life and who you are?

Nicely put!

LegacyUser

You're right. The last guy definitely love bombed me asking me to move in and being very attentive with texts. He wasn't recently separated and we had the exclusive chat but in all honesty I think that was lies on his part but I honestly believed him. More fool me.
Yes I should not have been with him but ai fell for it all.:(



You're also right re self esteem. I am lacking although I am pretty to a lot of men. I 100% know I am not unattractive and I am far from cocky.

I am happy with my life. I know I can be fitter but working on that

Floppybits

Ella281 wrote: »

Oh monk, you’ve no idea. All I’ll say is I’ve been so hurt.
You know me a while on here. To say I’m disillusioned is an understatement.
Like OP, I’d rate myself as a catch. Professional career, good looking, in shape, good personality, active etc and I’m invisible.
I don’t have any expectations as such only that I’m treated with respect like the way I treat the other person. I usually turn up wanting to see if we click and are compatible /have chemistry and if so, go with the flow and see what happens.
I would never expect a relationship from the get-go, I like to get to know the person and see.

Sounds like you and the OP are doing the right thing and I don't think there is much difference now with online dating than there was when there was no online dating, this has always happened there are people both male and female that are like this. I always had the attitude when dating to go out meet the person and the only expectation I would have is to have a good night whether that involved sex or not. Many times I met women went on dates and slept together and similar to yourselves got ghosted even in some cased got ignored if we bumped into each other in a pub or nightclub, So all I can say is keep doing what you are doing, don't get too down on yourself if this happens. Maybe look at it that you had a some fun but it was not to be and go again.

santana75

Op I think Discernment is the key here. You've been burned a few times at this stage and its not a nice way to learn life lessons but the lessons that stick are the ones that have been the most painfully acquired. I dont think this is a "Man" problem, I think its a humanity problem. I've seen both men and women do something similar. It happens in platonic relationships quite a lot too, where one person is looking to get something from the other and when they get that thing, they'll ditch that person and move on to the next. There are a lot of people like this in the world, people who are looking to take something from another person, not give or share. These are the wolves of the world and you have to learn to identify the red flags that give them away. Trust me, all those guys you've had bad experiences with would've shown you a red flag or two before you gave them your trust. Things like:

- Be wary of overly charming people, those who are making future plans for you both as a couple fairly quickly. Love bombing is a massive red flag

- People who are one way in person(charming)but over text seem to be distant or cold

- People who's mask of congeniality will slip, even for the briefest of moments allowing you a glimpse of who they really are

- Pay attention to their friends, as in do they have any real relationships that are not with people who they've only just met recently. Be wary of people who go through friends quickly

- Do they speak badly of ex partners?

In essence these describe narcissists. You should check out Dr. Ramani on Youtube, her videos on this type of thing will provide you with a lot of knowledge so that you can recognize these people from the get go. But also listen to your intuition. I'd guess that there was some part of you that knew, deep down, that these guys were bad news, and probably knew straight off the bat. Sometimes we want others to be what we're looking for, so much that we override our own intuition and internal alarm signals. Listen to yourself, dont be so desperate for love and affection that you are willing to sell yourself out.

bitofabind

Sleepingtog wrote: »

You're also right re self esteem. I am lacking although I am pretty to a lot of men. I 100% know I am not unattractive and I am far from cocky.

I am happy with my life. I know I can be fitter but working on that

Your posts are dripping in uncertainty about yourself, what "should" I do, not fit enough, maybe not good in bed etc. Pretty to a lot of men so that's gotta mean something, etc. This is what people with low self esteem sound like, and what they do is look for validation externally. "I'm not enough." It's a very lonely place to be and I feel for you. But it doesn't have to be this way. Honestly, I think the best thing you can do for your future self right now is to delete the apps and working on building up your self esteem. Get to a level where you can date from a place of abundance - you know you're great, know you deserve to be happy with someone that invests in you, you love your life, you have a lot of choice and you're not accepting scraps of superficial attention anymore. Rather than a place of scarcity - where you have these unconscious beliefs about yourself and about dating.

I've found NOT dating for a while wonderful for my self-esteem. It gave me time to work on some old wounds that led to some self-destructive self-beliefs, and clarity on what my personal values are. I now operate in a world that revolves around those values, so don't see the guys that aren't on the same page as me anymore. I can also recognise where I misread good old-fashioned anxiety as "chemistry" and was drawn to men who were surrounded by red flags that I couldn't see because I "fancied" them. You can be physically attracted to the wrong guy for your own unresolved reasons and get into a pattern of dating unavailable types. Standing back from the picture and investing in your own personal growth is the way forward here.

LegacyUser

Yeah very true. I knew in my heart and soul these guys weren't for me. The last 2 particularly. I even voiced my concern but convinced myself they were telling the truth and not love bombing me. With both I should have trusted my gut but I didn't. Of course I slept with both and then suddenly all their major plans for our "relationship " vanished. And one lad made extreme excuses of how 'busy" he was. Funny with him twice a week for weeks no probs. What annoys me most is the utter bs that people say and also how they can do the act so well. I am just not that kinda person. If I didn't feel connection would just tell them.
Both basically ghosted me but I texted both. Yes yes I know. I should not have. I was so upset last time. I had put him on a pedastal thinking he was the "one". I genuinely thought he was gonna be. More fool me.

I am on the apps but not actively .
I have learnt not to settle for **** though.
A guy half arse texting when the one he really wants isn't about. I unmatch them whereas before I would have settled for the oh I have been "so busy". Yeah yeah very busy!

Cali1978

I wonder did these guys genuinely want a relationship at the time and then it just ran it’s natural course around the time you slept with them? I just find it so hard to believe a man goes to all the effort and probably enjoying dating a woman to then so easily ghost you after sex? It can make you so wary OP which is a shame

Floppybits

Cali1978 wrote: »

I wonder did these guys genuinely want a relationship at the time and then it just ran it’s natural course around the time you slept with them? I just find it so hard to believe a man goes to all the effort and probably enjoying dating a woman to then so easily ghost you after sex? It can make you so wary OP which is a shame

I have to agree with you, these guys seem to be putting in awful of time and effort to sleep with someone only to ghost them after. I could understand it if was after a ONS or maybe 1 or 2 dates but anything after that I would say like you that relationship was fizzling out also sometimes people can be into someone and then they sleep together and one may realise that they don't want to get into a relationship.

I don't mean that is saying that they are crap in bed or anything its just that sleeping with someone after seeing them for a while kind of indicates the relationship is moving onto a more serious footing and for some people that may put the frighteners on them and run away.

Irish_rat

4 or 5 dates seems reasonable. Tbh I would leave it longer though as dating has definitely changed alot online

Cali1978

Yes exactly! It’s like it feels real then and they run away! Personally I’m not meeting many men who are willing to go much distance. Maybe it’s me and they don’t feel we are compatible but mainly I think they’re not ready to invest fully in someone either because they’re Peter Pan types or are emotionally scarred by other women or emotionally unavailable for some other reason. I’ve worked hard to be open and keep the vulnerability otherwise we won’t get anywhere in dating I believe!

LegacyUser

I honestly don't know any more.
I had doubts about the last one but then he would say other things and I would convince myself he was genuine. At one stage I did believe he wanted a relationship.
A few weeks later, I realized he did not want a relationship with "me". I have seen him with his current girlfriend.
I read somewhere probably last year that that's a thing.
They pretend to be in a real relationship with you while still scouring sites looking for something better.

LegacyUser

I just seen the ex. Of all the men. I dated he was the worst and it still upsets me over a year later:/
He lied one wknd at very end about being with his friend so he text me one text that wknd. It was a generic text too. I should not have replied to the crap.That was the wknd he had decided he didn't want anything to do with me
I would highly imagine he had a date or was with a woman for the full wknd

I rang him he ignored call. And didn't bother ringing me back.
The wk previous he lied about having to work so as not to meet me.
I would have preferred he was honest instead of all over me and asking me to move in and then totally lying to me.

How can people do that to people
It's over over a year now
It's just every time I see him I get down and upset for him treating me like crap
He couldn't have ever cared for me just wanted to use me.
He used an excuse about his adult son and he "too busy"
I knew all this waa bull****


I wanted to meet at end just for a chat said he would but then totally ignored me. I seen him with a different girl literally a few days after:/ he had asked me to be his gf.

I thought I was...He is 42.......
I have met other assholes but no ione like that.
I just wish I suppose he would"ve had more respect for me.

milli milli

Bitofabind gave some excellent advice OP - you will save yourself a lot of time and heartbreak by following it.

Sleepingtog wrote: »

I had doubts about the last one.

You also mentioned about your gut telling you something about another guy.
Always, always listen to your gut. If something feels ‘off’, it usually is.
To be honest sex can cloud your judgement.
I read on a dating advice site that after sex, guys see things crystal clear while it’s the opposite for women. It’s the hormones.
Anecdotally it’s certainly true for me. I’ve tried to make things work with totally unsuitable men (after sleeping with them) - I just wasn’t seeing clearly at all with the hormones.
So taking a bit of time to build up a bit of an emotional connection before having sex and also trying to see the burgeoning relationship rationally (actions matching words, healthy behaviours and progression, etc).

Godeatsboogers

If I think I have a connection with a girl that could lead to a decent relationship, I always try and hold off trying to have sex with them for at least a couple of weeks, sometimes that's impossible because when your out just looking for sex, you meet someone who is also out looking for sex, and sometimes those turn into relationships.

But I I've always found the relationships that started with a hold off on the sexual advances were better relationships, not really longer, but with better communication, and more potential long term/marriages.

LegacyUser

Thanks. Yeah definitely was with all the men I should not have been involved with. I am very sorry I didn't trust my gut the last time.

Ella281

In my experience, I have found when I’ve been dating that a lot of men presume because I’m the woman I only want a relationship which is untrue with certain individuals and it’s such an immature school boy perspective... but also I don’t know if I want one with that person because we barely know eachother... yet because I’m the woman, a lot of them have “presumed” just because I turn up to dates and don’t have sex in cars or public, I want a serious relationship.
Especially mammys boys. They expect it all but cannot communicate or provide privacy but yet, they expect it all. And when they aren’t getting it, instead of identifying what they are doing wrong, they throw a good thing away or their rattler out of the pram.
Unfortunately this behaviour is still alive and kicking with lads in their twenties and thirties in Ireland.

Also I find a lot of men will not be honest or vocal about what they want and lead people on and then ghost because they cannot talk about sex.
If men were actually more direct and honest, they may discover the woman is after the same thing and ironically get further.
Also after writing this, I’m realising I should probably up my standards to grown up men lol...