Boyfriend spending less time with me because he 'doesn't like apartments'

LegacyUser

We're together 5 years and have never lived together. I live in an apartment and him in a house.

I've felt for a while now our relationship is fizzling out, seeing less of each other etc, and he seems to be spending less time in my place.

Anyway we had a chat about things over the weekend and to my surprise he said he doesn't like apartments or spending time in them and he gets bored. This has shocked me a bit.

Surely if he valued spending time with me it shouldn't matter where we are?

Magicmatilda

That sounds like a very weird excuse for not seeing you. Unless he has some sort of strange OCD thing going on and even then if he isn't willing to address it I would move on.

Why does he get bored in an apartment but not a house? Does he spend time just walking around the house?

Why do you not live together after 5 years?

Its sounds like he wants to end this but doesn't have the courage to do that, so he is engineering a situation where you will have to. Have you asked him straight out does he want to continue the relationship?

zoobizoo

How small is the apartment? Does it feel claustraphobic? Have you flatmates who he doesn't like? Is it in the middle of nowhere?

If the above isn't an issue then it could be the oddest reason for breaking up with someone ever.

Tork

Did you live somewhere else before moving into this apartment? Not that that's an excuse, I'm just wondering.

LegacyUser

To answer, no it's a good size for an apartment - two bedrooms and I've always lived here. I like where I live so I'm kind of shocked by this.

I suppose I'm wondering is this a big issue in our relationship?

cannotlogin

If he hates apartment surely he must think that you might not like them either.

Why hasn't he asked you to move into his mansion then?

Sounds like an excuse and a very poor one at that.

Addle

He might just be more comfortable in his own home.

Do you both live alone?

Zebrag

Apartmentgirl wrote: »

We're together 5 years and have never lived together. I live in an apartment and him in a house.

I've felt for a while now our relationship is fizzling out, seeing less of each other etc, and he seems to be spending less time in my place.

Anyway we had a chat about things over the weekend and to my surprise he said he doesn't like apartments or spending time in them and he gets bored. This has shocked me a bit.

Surely if he valued spending time with me it shouldn't matter where we are?

Did you live in this apartment throughout the relationship of did you only recently move into the apartment?

I suppose that question doesn't matter too much if you feel the relationship is fizzling out and you can both feel that, but to say they don't like apartments is an extremely odd comment to make to state why you don't want to spend time with someone. That alone would make you think well you would rather hear the honest answer to why he's not around as much. It sounds made up.

But I will state as well, given the current circumstances that's going on in Ireland and around the world, there's a lot to be said in terms of not being able to do a lot. As the recent restrictions that has been announced, it seems like a lot of people have just given up and decided there's no point in going to a restaurant or cafe just to sit outside in the freezing cold. So I would hope he's refering too, he's bored of sitting inside and an apartment doesn't give you much leeway to venture around which is very understandable.

I will admit after so long in a relationship, the fun and exciting things can turn into "ah we'll leave it until another day" because relationships can turn lazy. Not in a sense that you don't love each other anymore, sometimes couples would rather just sit in and watch telly or just laze about but I find it hard to see how sitting in his house or sitting in your apartment would make any amounts of difference really. Its still spending time with each other, especially as you two don't live together.

You're right, in saying if he valued time with you then it doesn't matter where you are but it might seem that overal, he's just bored and doesn't matter where he is in general. Mind you, there's been many cases of relationships failing because of the lockdown and restrictions but not seeing each other can cause the same amount of problems as couples seeing each other all the time.

You say you feel its fizzling out? Would that be from boredom or is there no effort being put in by the both of you? How long have you been feeling like it's fizzling out?

The one thing I found that helped our relationship from this lockdown was having "dates". Me and my boyfriend live in an apartment and believe me we've had our fair shares of "I'm f**king bored" and petty fights to the point of refusing to talk for a couple of hours so we've dedicated one night to ourselves, have the bedroom or sitting room to ourselves while the other does whatever they want (watch telly, read a book, play online games, chat to friends and family over video call) and dedicated another night of us. No phones. It could be a film or playing games or just having a glass of wine and chatting, ordering a take away. Nothing overally exciting but enough to know we can have time away and have time together.

Maybe you two need to find a reason to get excited while not being able to do too much. It's hard. I understand that and I get there are times when you're just thinking is it even worth it but I genuinely think it might be a case of he's just bored of life at the minute. There's not much to talk about. There's not much to do and enjoy.

I would be fairly annoyed if this was his way of telling you he doesn't want to continue the relationship, even after 5 years. You would want more respect and honesty from that instead of petty excuses.

How has the conversation been since he said that too you?

LegacyUser

Apartmentgirl wrote: »

We're together 5 years and have never lived together.

[...]

Surely if he valued spending time with me it shouldn't matter where we are?

I'm sorry but if after 5 years you have not felt the need or found a way to move in together... it's not a good sign - to say the least.
5 years is an eternity to not make any progress.

ILoveYourVibes

This guy better live in a mansion to be so haughty.

Idle Passerby

Generally when people go to visit others in their home, it's the person they want to see/send time with, not the building. I don't think it's the apartment he's bored with

eviltwin

Apartmentgirl wrote: »

We're together 5 years and have never lived together. I live in an apartment and him in a house.

I've felt for a while now our relationship is fizzling out, seeing less of each other etc, and he seems to be spending less time in my place.

Anyway we had a chat about things over the weekend and to my surprise he said he doesn't like apartments or spending time in them and he gets bored. This has shocked me a bit.

Surely if he valued spending time with me it shouldn't matter where we are?

I think this is the relevant bit. Your home aside, it seems he's just not as into you as he used to be. This seems like a classic " I want to break up with you but I don't have the balls to break up with you so I'm going to make up a stupid excuse so you eventually break up with me" scenario.

An apartment is a home and I can't see how it differs from a house that he would be bored in one.

Sounds like its over, in his head at least, but you have been together 5 years. You deserve a better explanation than this.

tara73

sounds like some silly excuse to not spend time with you but we don't have enough backgroundinformation from you to say this is defo the case.

I think you need to have a talk with him about your relationship, where it's going and what he feels as you mentioned you have the impression it's fizzling out.

kylith

What happens if you go hang out in his house?

suicide_circus

Apartments? Do you live in more than one? A bit confused...

Telly

suicide_circus wrote: »

Apartments? Do you live in more than one? A bit confused...

I'm sure she meant apartments in general :rolleyes:

B.A._Baracus

I've heard alot of excuses in my life and "not liking apartments" is one of the weaker ones op :pac:

What's apparent right now is that it's lies. This is a poor attempt at giving you a reason why he doesn't come over as much.
What's more worrying is that you have felt your relationship is fizzling.
Add this with the fact that after 5 years you haven't moved in together.

In my opinion (for what it's worth) I think he is stepping out of the relationship if not already. Fizzling out, spending less time together, no progress in a relationship, not wanting to spend time at a person's home - these are all the hallmarks of someone who is just stringing the other along.
Sadly quite many people in this world would not just be honest and talk. It's far more beneficial to string someone along (bit of sex, get out the house more etc) until a better deal comes along.

For your sake I hope I am wrong.

LuasSimon

Good job he never lived in communist Russia !

IAMAMORON

You need to dump this guy.

The only reason I can give is that when I am in love with someone I would do anything for them and I would not care where they live.

eaglach

Apartmentgirl wrote: »

I've felt for a while now our relationship is fizzling out, seeing less of each other etc, and he seems to be spending less time in my place.

Is the reason for you seeing less of each other because he won't go to your apartment? If you suggest for him to call over does he ask you to go to his instead or does it just end up that you guys don't meet up at all?

It could be some genuine (weird) dislike of apartments, or he could just be lazy. If he's still willing to meet up with you as regularly as you'd like, but just not your apartment, I wouldn't be immediately worried.

Or maybe it's a roundabout way of him asking you to move in with him. Has he ever suggested something like that before?

dubal

Its just a bizarre excuse. Would he be sudden happy if you had a house, I doubt it

Jenneke87

So what's so exciting about his house that he only wants to spend time there? Even when my ex and I were still living in tiny apartments we took time to visit the others' place. The only reason I can think of is that (at least here) apartments tend to be more noisy, as in, you can hear noises coming from surrounding apartments and houses tend to be better isolated, but other than that, I couldn't care less if someone lived in a studio, apartment, basement or a house, if I really wanted to see him, I'd be there, end of. It really sounds like a lame excuse on his end.

pwurple

Well, What do you do when he is there?

What is the "spending time" that you do together?

It sounds to me more like he is outdoorsie, and maybe is just bored watching TV, as often that is all there is to do in an apartment. That bores a lot of people. Maybe he likes doing DIY, gardening, going for walks or cycles.

Thespoofer

Put on your best dress, heels, lippy, let him see you at your finest ( kinda by accident ) and tell him your going out to meet friends.
Play it cool with him.

Hoboo

I know plenty of friends who'd love to have a girlfriend if it meant moving from their house and living in a cardboard box, let along calling around to a 2 bed apartment, even now and again.

I could understand if it was summer and he wanted you around to use the garden, but because he suddenly doesn't like apartments?

He sounds not only like he's not interested, but the type of person you wouldnt want to be with in the first place....how stupid is he, and how stupid does he think you are. Very in both cases it seems.

What an insulting and disgusting way to treat someone after 5 years, or even 5 minutes.

He doesn't deserve anything but a ghosting!!

Thespoofer

Thespoofer wrote: »

Put on your best dress, heels, lippy, let him see you at your finest ( kinda by accident ) and tell him your going out to meet friends.
Play it cool with him.

Games are stupid.

JustAThought

Sorry to hear about your situation OP. From your reaction to his ‘don’t like appartments & am
bored’ reply it does sound like he is doing his own bit to givw you a heads up that something is badly wrong - they key is in the boredom bit. To be honest it sounds like he is letting you know in advance that he is on his way out without traumatising & surprising you by a sudden break-up that you don’t see coming.

Don’t do anything rash like moving out or
giving up your appartment for
him or moving him in. 5 years is a long time but he has been honest with you in so far as he without being too shocking or abrupt or cruel. He is bored with the relationship - mentally he is preparing you for what you did not see coming

suicide_circus

Telly wrote: »

I'm sure she meant apartments in general :rolleyes:

Sorry, didnt cop that

LegacyUser

Thanks all. I saw him yesterday for the first time since he said this. Even though I'm not sure I'm over-reactjng or making a mountain out of a mole hill, I told him I was shocked by how blunt he'd been saying this. I told him this is my home, that if this is how he feels he should have got a girlfriend who lives in a house. He said this is how he is, blunt, 'but sorry if it upset you'.

I feel things are a bit awkward now but I felt I had to bring it up again today.

Dial Hard

Apartmentgirl wrote: »

Thanks all. I saw him yesterday for the first time since he said this. Even though I'm not sure I'm over-reactjng or making a mountain out of a mole hill, I told him I was shocked by how blunt he'd been saying this. I told him this is my home, that if this is how he feels he should have got a girlfriend who lives in a house. He said this is how he is, blunt, 'but sorry if it upset you'.

I feel things are a bit awkward now but I felt I had to bring it up again today.

I can't help but feel you're rather missing the point here, OP.

The apartment you've lived in for the past five years is not the issue.

Tork

Dial Hard wrote: »

I can't help but feel you're rather missing the point here, OP.

The apartment you've lived in for the past five years is not the issue.

Or she's afraid to ask the right questions for fear of where the conversation might lead. I don't like apartments but they have never been a deterrent.

Emme

OP if he doesn't like apartments but is still into you he would ask you to live with him in his castle/mansion/house whatever and you could rent out your apartment. He could even ask you to go live in his cottage (a cottage is a house even though it might be smaller than an apartment )

You've been together for 5 years so if you're not going to move in together now it probably won't happen. It might be time to move on. Tell him your apartment is your home and if he doesn't like apartments why didn't he tell you 5 years ago instead of wasting your time and only telling you now. Most continental Europeans are happy to live in apartments including some royalty. This fella must think he is very special indeed.

He really needs to come up with better excuses.

osarusan

Apartmentgirl wrote: »

I've felt for a while now our relationship is fizzling out, seeing less of each other etc, and he seems to be spending less time in my place.

It's fizzling out to the point that he can't be bothered coming up with even a half-decent excuse as to why he isn't spending more time with you.

Thespoofer

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Games are stupid.

In hindsight , yes, games are silly, can cause further problems.

You live, you learn.

Floppybits

Apartmentgirl wrote: »

Thanks all. I saw him yesterday for the first time since he said this. Even though I'm not sure I'm over-reactjng or making a mountain out of a mole hill, I told him I was shocked by how blunt he'd been saying this. I told him this is my home, that if this is how he feels he should have got a girlfriend who lives in a house. He said this is how he is, blunt, 'but sorry if it upset you'.

I feel things are a bit awkward now but I felt I had to bring it up again today.

Is this bluntness a sudden change? If you have been going out with each other 5 years surely if this is the way he has been since you have been together you would be use to it.

As for not liking apartments, yeah some people don't like them but he is not living there just visiting and it shouldn't matter as he is there to see you not the apartment.