Rekindling relationship with lying ex

LegacyUser · 04-10-2020 3:14pm #1

I would love to tell you the whole background to my story, but there's too much to say so I'll keep it short.

I was seeing a guy for a short while. 3 months to be exact. I was crazy about him and thought he was going to be the one. I have never had much luck dating and he was completely different to anyone I had been with before, in a good way. We weren't officially girlfriend and boyfriend, but I was just about to ask him when things made a turn for the worse.

I found out he was having some relatively innocent messages with another girl but when I asked him about it he lied about it saying that he wasn't messaging anyone. It could have been very innocent and he was just bored but because he lied about it I decided to end it, even though we weren't officially girlfriend and boyfriend.

He said I was right to end things because I lost trust in him and he was very sorry at the time. The way I left it was that I told him I'm not sure I could forgive him or if we could ever get back together. 6 months have passed now and we haven't spoken a word.

I've been thinking about him almost every day since we broke up. Most of the days it's just a fleeting thought when I see something that reminds me of him, but he's still on my mind. I think I'm willing to look past what he did, but some might think that's foolish. He hasn't reached out to me at all since the breakup and I worry that he's moved on. But on the other hand he might not want to risk trying things again seeing as I said I may never forgive him.

Would I be crazy for sending him a message to meet up and rekindle things? Is it always a case of once a liar always a liar?

seenitall · 04-10-2020 5:08pm

Hi OP,

First, ask yourself why you’d want to get back with someone you couldn’t trust not to text another girl the first time around. The answer will probably be because you have on one else on the horizon at the moment so your thoughts keep going back to the last one. That’s understandable, but see it for what it is.

Don’t lower your standards now, a whole six months later, when you did so well to get rid of him in the first place. I’m telling you this because reading your post my suspicion around his reaction to your break-up (he hardly fought for you, did he?) is that he had someone else lined up anyway (whether it was the ‘innocent texting’ girl or someone else), and was probably relieved to leave you in his rear-view mirror. I’m sorry if that is hurtful, but that is how it reads from your account of how it went down.

The 3 months mark is about the time where things either take up a gear, or it fizzles and dies because there is not enough interest there on at least one side. I think you know it was the latter scenario, and you called it rightly at the time, it’s just loneliness and boredom confusing you now.

My advice is: don’t do it, never look back, just keep looking forward, and don’t lower your standards of expected behaviour for anyone. It smacks of desperation when we do that, so don’t do it.

Or alternatively, do it, get in touch again, and don’t have a heart attack in the best case scenario if he’s coupled up with the ‘innocent texts’ girl now, innocently. The worst case scenarios are all the ones that would see you back with him, essentially. It would be a waste of time. Just my opinion.

LegacyUser · 04-10-2020 5:57pm

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

First, ask yourself why you’d want to get back with someone you couldn’t trust not to text another girl the first time around. The answer will probably be because you have on one else on the horizon at the moment so your thoughts keep going back to the last one. That’s understandable, but see it for what it is.

I was torn at the time and didn't want to break up with him but thought it was something I had to do. After we broke up I immediately realised that the texting another girl wasn't the problem. It was being lied to.

It's true that I don't have anyone else on the horizon but thats always how it is for me. In 10 years of dating I've never had a truly serious relationship and I thought he was the one.

Don’t lower your standards now, a whole six months later, when you did so well to get rid of him in the first place. I’m telling you this because reading your post my suspicion around his reaction to your break-up (he hardly fought for you, did he?) is that he had someone else lined up anyway (whether it was the ‘innocent texting’ girl or someone else), and was probably relieved to leave you in his rear-view mirror. I’m sorry if that is hurtful, but that is how it reads from your account of how it went down.

Am I lowering my standards? I don't know if I am. I would say my standards are very high and it maybe why I'm so unsuccessful in dating. I've given up on so many guys I've dated because of one thing or another. I feel like if I give up on this because of this one thing I would be kicking myself for the rest of my life not knowing if I missed out on a great relationship.

This was one mistake that he made that I'm willing to forgive. I have made mistakes in the past but people have forgiven me. If it was something he did repeatedly I of course wouldn't be so easy to forgive.

I was confused about his fight for me. He apologised sincerely. He tried to reconcile. He made the effort. But I kinda told him that there was no chance for us getting back together in the heat of the moment and he took that as gospel and didn't reach out. I don't blame him because I was very upset at the time.

The 3 months mark is about the time where things either take up a gear, or it fizzles and dies because there is not enough interest there on at least one side. I think you know it was the latter scenario, and you called it rightly at the time, it’s just loneliness and boredom confusing you now.

My advice is: don’t do it, never look back, just keep looking forward, and don’t lower your standards of expected behaviour for anyone. It smacks of desperation when we do that, so don’t do it.

Or alternatively, do it, get in touch again, and don’t have a heart attack in the best case scenario if he’s coupled up with the ‘innocent texts’ girl now, innocently. The worst case scenarios are all the ones that would see you back with him, essentially. It would be a waste of time. Just my opinion.

Do you believe that once someone makes a mistake that they can't be forgiven or given a second chance? A leopard never changes their spots? It could be a mistake rekindling things with him but it could just as easily be that I miss out on something great if I don't reach out.

seenitall · 04-10-2020 6:35pm

Look, you know yourself and your own situation best. That’s why I said, it’s just my opinion. However, no way in heck would I be contacting someone like that in that circumstance. Not because people don’t deserve second chances, but because someone texting another girl three months into seeing me and then lying about it, I’d just be done with that fella, I’d actually lose interest at that point. As it just screams: He’s not that into you. So quitting while you’re ahead is how I believe one can save oneself a lot of heartache down the line.

You should do what you feel like doing, though. We all need to learn at our own pace, nothing wrong with that. Wishing you all the best

LegacyUser · 04-10-2020 7:00pm

seenitall wrote: »

Look, you know yourself and your own situation best. That’s why I said, it’s just my opinion. However, no way in heck would I be contacting someone like that in that circumstance. Not because people don’t deserve second chances, but because someone texting another girl three months into seeing me and then lying about it, I’d just be done with that fella, I’d actually lose interest at that point. As it just screams: He’s not that into you. So quitting while you’re ahead is how I believe one can save oneself a lot of heartache down the line.

You should do what you feel like doing, though. We all need to learn at our own pace, nothing wrong with that. Wishing you all the best

I totally know what you mean. I felt so upset when I saw the messages but then I realised that I had sent messages to someone I had matched with on Tinder a month beforehand and how could I judge. It's like that saying, we judge ourselves by our intentions and everyone else by their actions.

I really struggle with taking advice when my mind is so set on doing something. I feel so stupid when I'm told to do the obvious thing and then convince myself that they don't know the full story and that there is a chance that it will work out.

Is there any way to overcome that or is this just a life lesson I need to learn for myself?

leggo · 05-10-2020 2:11am

When I clicked onto the thread, I assumed it’d be about a lying ex contacting you asking you to come back. That’s one thing. But actually you’re asking if you should chase a lying ex and effectively be the one who asks for a second chance. Does that sound right at all to you OP? If anyone you cared about came to you and laid out that dynamic would you tell them it seemed fair and positive?

What’s changed here OP to make you think that not only should you give him another chance, but that you should be the one to pursue things? He apologised and begged for another chance when caught...that’s lying ****ty partner default behaviour once they’ve been caught beyond doubt, nothing out of the ordinary there. He hasn’t contacted you or done any chasing in the time that it’s caused you to have a change of heart...so actually this change of heart has nothing to do with him or what he does, which means you’ve zero reason to believe things will turn out different.

The variable here that’s brought on this change of heart is loneliness. You say yourself that you don’t have much luck in relationships, so you’re looking back to the last person you were happy with and minimising the fact that, even within the extremely short period of time you were dating, they hurt you. Everything positive you’re seeing here is stuff you’ve totally imagined, not a bit of it is based in reality or actions, just you trying to connect the dots that suit the story you want to happen. But this is a real person you’re dealing with, not someone you can just slot into a fantasy you have. In the real world, again, they lied and hurt you within a short timeframe. So learn the lesson, follow the evidence and don’t go chasing this person unless you want the same thing to happen all over again.

ILoveYourVibes · 05-10-2020 4:35am

honestyandtrust101 wrote: »

Would I be crazy for sending him a message to meet up and rekindle things? Is it always a case of once a liar always a liar?

If he wanted to rekindle things he would have reached out to you.

You love him ...he doesn't love you.

Its not so much once a liar always a liar.

But once you accept a liar ..you always accept a liar. Once you accept a certain kind of behavior ...you keep doing it.

Once you lower your standards they stick.

You are actually chasing him.

Its not so much about who he is but who you are ...and what you are doing. where you are in life etc.

LegacyUser · 05-10-2020 7:06pm

leggo wrote: »

What’s changed here OP to make you think that not only should you give him another chance, but that you should be the one to pursue things? He apologised and begged for another chance when caught...that’s lying ****ty partner default behaviour once they’ve been caught beyond doubt, nothing out of the ordinary there. He hasn’t contacted you or done any chasing in the time that it’s caused you to have a change of heart...so actually this change of heart has nothing to do with him or what he does, which means you’ve zero reason to believe things will turn out different.

There is some detail that I left out because I didn't went to get into a long story and can understand why you would assume that. He did apologise but he didn't beg for another chance. He really made the effort to try and work things out but he said that he was worried that I wouldn't trust him again. You might now say that he didn't try hard enough to win me back but I have a feeling he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

No he didn't contact me and I'm not surprised. I left things very clear that I wasn't ready to forgive him and that I wouldn't be messaging him. I told him I thought it would be best if we didn't speak to each other to make things easier. I even blocked him on all social media. I don't think you can judge him for not getting in contact after that. He probably thinks I hate him.

Everything positive you’re seeing here is stuff you’ve totally imagined, not a bit of it is based in reality or actions, just you trying to connect the dots that suit the story you want to happen. But this is a real person you’re dealing with, not someone you can just slot into a fantasy you have. In the real world, again, they lied and hurt you within a short timeframe. So learn the lesson, follow the evidence and don’t go chasing this person unless you want the same thing to happen all over again.

I'm really not imagining the positive things. Everything was positive until I found out about the messages. I had never felt so happy about dating someone until that point. Even we had our last break up conversation I felt so upset having to break up with him. I didn't want to but thought I had to. I should have left it for a while to think about what I really wanted.

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

If he wanted to rekindle things he would have reached out to you.

I mentioned it earlier but I told him we shouldn't message each other so of course he wouldn't reach out. I have a feeling that it's up to me to reach out because of how I left it but if I do reach out to him I understand I may get rejected. I did break up with him after all.

ILoveYourVibes · 06-10-2020 1:51am

honestyandtrust101 wrote: »

No he didn't contact me and I'm not surprised. I left things very clear that I wasn't ready to forgive him and that I wouldn't be messaging him. He probably thinks I hate him.

I mentioned it earlier but I told him we shouldn't message each other so of course he wouldn't reach out. I have a feeling that it's up to me to reach out because of how I left it but if I do reach out to him I understand I may get rejected. I did break up with him after all.

Well he is going to know he can come back if you reach out to him.

LegacyUser · 06-10-2020 11:52am

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Well he is going to know he can come back if you reach out to him.

Youre right. Maybe he has given up on us because he thinks nothing can happen.

My mind is going crazy wondering if I should text him now or give him some more time. The longer I leave it the more worried I get that he will move on fully. If I message him too soon the break up might be too fresh in his mind and he still has negative thoughts about me ending things.

I dont want to play any games either but I feel like theres no right answer

Dial Hard · 06-10-2020 12:56pm

honestyandtrust101 wrote: »

I mentioned it earlier but I told him we shouldn't message each other so of course he wouldn't reach out. I have a feeling that it's up to me to reach out because of how I left it but if I do reach out to him I understand I may get rejected. I did break up with him after all.

If he wanted another chance he would have reached out regardless.

Your entire post before the part I quoted there is you essentially trying to rationalise a decision you know is the wrong one. But literally nothing you've said indicates to me that this is a man who has any interest in rekindling this

Leave it be, OP. I guarantee you'll just end up head wrecked and heartbroken if you get back in contact with him.

LegacyUser · 06-10-2020 2:45pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

If he wanted another chance he would have reached out regardless.

Your entire post before the part I quoted there is you essentially trying to rationalise a decision you know is the wrong one. But literally nothing you've said indicates to me that this is a man who has any interest in rekindling this

Leave it be, OP. I guarantee you'll just end up head wrecked and heartbroken if you get back in contact with him.

Do you think so? When we broke up he tried his hardest to explain himself (without making excuses) and went to lengths to work things out. If he had no interest in me he wouldn't have bothered with the long back and forth we had. Im sure someone will give a reason why this isnt a sign that hes interested but I dont think I could tell you anything that would convince you otherwise.

My last message to him was that I may never forgive him and that we shouldnt talk to each other to make things easier. I can only assume hes respecting my request so I don't think he should have reached out regardless.

What do I have to lose trying to rekindle things? Worst case scenario is that he says he doesnt want to and then thats it. The way we left it is that he said he hopes that things change and we can work things out in the future. I have this hanging over me but at least if I reach out and he says no then its over and done with. No uncertainty.

amdublin · 06-10-2020 5:21pm

Nope. Re. Your last post. That is not the worst case scenario at all.

Worst scenario is you message him, he comes back and in two months you find he is messaging someone again.

He sounds like a headwreck.

If he was interested in getting back with you he would have come back to you himself over the last 6 months no matter what you said.

I'd just let this one go OP.

Try a different dating app, other than Tinder, I suggest bumble

Sonic the Shaghog · 06-10-2020 5:24pm

To be honest OP you should just text him. It's plain as day you will anyways as you're jumping through hoops to explain away and make excuses for him

You'll have to learn your lesson the hard way by the sounds of it

LegacyUser · 06-10-2020 6:44pm

amdublin wrote: »

Worst scenario is you message him, he comes back and in two months you find he is messaging someone again.

I'm not trying to excuse him but I can see how it happened. I dont excuse it at all but I truly believe it was a once off incident and a misunderstanding. I dont want to get into the details but I think it was because of a combination of corona virus and the stage of relationship we were at.

And if he does message someone again then so be it. I'm a believer of the fear of regret being stronger than the fear of failure. I don't want a life with question marks hanging over it.

If he was interested in getting back with you he would have come back to you himself over the last 6 months no matter what you said.

Its funny you should say that. A lot of people told me the opposite and that the way I ended things I would have been crazy to expect a response. I did send him occasional messages before we went no contact so maybe he didnt even get the opporunity to reach out and I got there first.

Sonic the Shaghog wrote: »

To be honest OP you should just text him. It's plain as day you will anyways as you're jumping through hoops to explain away and make excuses for him

You'll have to learn your lesson the hard way by the sounds of it

Its true. Its hard to fight your heart. I hope you dont think I'm wasting your time. It helps me when I vocalise my thoughts and to see the other side of things.

Ella281 · 06-10-2020 10:05pm

Lads don’t text other girls for innocent reasons. What a load of nonsense.

Did he reach out and set about trying to get you back? Did he make a gesture or try to contact you by text/call/ face to face/ call to your door?

He’s doing just fine living without you if he can live without you!

You did the right thing and didn’t tolerate ****e but going back on your decision now will look desperate.

He had his chance. He spent it texting another girl. That says it all as far as I’m concerned..

OP, by no means is it easy. I’m in the middle of getting over someone myself and going over things in my head and what if but the reality is, they are no where to be seen. Not in my life or trying to get back in my life despite all their half assed excuses.
You have to mind yourself and your dignity. As hard as it is, you need to move on.
If he wanted you in his life, you would be there.

Ella281 · 06-10-2020 10:25pm

leggo wrote: »

When I clicked onto the thread, I assumed it’d be about a lying ex contacting you asking you to come back. That’s one thing. But actually you’re asking if you should chase a lying ex and effectively be the one who asks for a second chance. Does that sound right at all to you OP? If anyone you cared about came to you and laid out that dynamic would you tell them it seemed fair and positive?

What’s changed here OP to make you think that not only should you give him another chance, but that you should be the one to pursue things? He apologised and begged for another chance when caught...that’s lying ****ty partner default behaviour once they’ve been caught beyond doubt, nothing out of the ordinary there. He hasn’t contacted you or done any chasing in the time that it’s caused you to have a change of heart...so actually this change of heart has nothing to do with him or what he does, which means you’ve zero reason to believe things will turn out different.

The variable here that’s brought on this change of heart is loneliness. You say yourself that you don’t have much luck in relationships, so you’re looking back to the last person you were happy with and minimising the fact that, even within the extremely short period of time you were dating, they hurt you. Everything positive you’re seeing here is stuff you’ve totally imagined, not a bit of it is based in reality or actions, just you trying to connect the dots that suit the story you want to happen. But this is a real person you’re dealing with, not someone you can just slot into a fantasy you have. In the real world, again, they lied and hurt you within a short timeframe. So learn the lesson, follow the evidence and don’t go chasing this person unless you want the same thing to happen all over again.

Thank you Leggo. This resonated with me on so many levels especially about the second chance mindset even though the OP did nothing wrong.
Like me OP, you sound like a proactive person who may be guilty of wanting to fix or work things out.
Lay this out logically. At the very least, it should be him making the moves, not you. The fact is he doesn’t want to. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words and he’s no where to be seen.
Literally, if you were interested and enthralled with your date, the LAST thing you are going to be doing is texting someone else. You would literally be busy or taken up with your date. In fact, on all levels, you wouldn’t even be invested, interested or even remember to text someone else aka another date or option
Why? Cause you are “into” your date.
Fact is, he made his decision. It’s your job to make him live with it and live your best life.

He was caught out, went on a sphell of “explaining himself”. If he really wanted to keep seeing you, he would of pulled out all the stops and begged for your forgiveness and a second chance.
And if you had refused or were apprehensive , he still should of set about changing your mind or trying to make an effort?

Here’s a great quote I heard recently about men and dating:
“When a man shows you or tells you who he is - believe him”

TheadoreT · 06-10-2020 10:46pm

I dunno if what he did was all that wrong, when you're in that murky dating but not official stage you could be keeping certain options low key open if things dont progress for whatever reason. Quite feasible you were his sole focus and he had similar hopes of progressing things and would have stopped any contact with others when official, I know I've done that in the past.

And I'm not sure him lying was all that bad either. That other girl may have meant so little that he didnt want to worry you or potentially risk losing you by admitting something that was nothing but trivial harmless texting.

I can only assume you finding out was through snooping which is a bit concerning when not even official. Whether that was due to your instinct he was being shady or you've trust issues in general you'll know the answer better.

Jequ0n · 07-10-2020 1:58am

Yeah how exactly did you find out about the texts?
If I’m honest I would never have contacted you ever again either. You weren’t exclusive and the messages to the other girl were relatively innocent in your own words. Are you really surprised he lied? Given how you reacted to the whole thing I can see why he would have lied.

You will probably contact him anyway because your mind seems made up. Rest assured that I would have filed you away in the over emotional category, but it might still be a nice ego boost for him.

ILoveYourVibes · 07-10-2020 3:35am

Op i am not going to lie.

You come off as desperate.

Whether or not he responds or not. That is not a good mindset for you to be in.

Ella281 · 07-10-2020 5:33am

Honestly, why do lads have to text multiple girls rather than focus on the one they like? It’s so juvenile.

I suppose my point is if they are texting others and still on apps etc he’s not interested. I remember seeing men I liked and other men went on the back burner or tbh, I forgot to text them back etc cause my focus was on the fella I was seeing and I didn’t NEED to text someone else. Think back when you were dating him or anyone else you liked. Were you texting other men? Probably not.

What I’d say, whatever about the snooping or texting etc, it’s been 6month and it hasn’t bothered him. Remember this is a two way street and he hasn’t reached out or tried to test the waters so id leave him off.

The only way you could both come back together would be organically, perhaps bumping into eachother etc and becoming friendly again.
But texting and reaching out screams desperation and clingy ness.

Jequ0n · 07-10-2020 6:24am

Ella281 wrote: »

Honestly, why do lads have to text multiple girls rather than focus on the one they like? It’s so juvenile..

But the OP did the same until shortly before it blew up, her issue was with him having lied about it.
I would have lied too, why potentially damage your chances because the other person might take this badly? But then I lie every day and might not be a good comparison.

Either way this clearly wasn’t meant to be

nthclare · 07-10-2020 6:35am

He sounds like a player, finds it hard to commit and keeping his options open.

Maybe he was with someone before got badly hurt, and was in a scenario where he was with a woman who was monkey branching and thinks nobody's going to do that again.

When I was on the dating scene, I met a few women who were right players and it's not a good feeling.

Best you find a guy who's less a loveable rogue and maybe a bit square.

There's something about players that's intriguing and fun... They're exciting and adventurous but at the end of the day you won't pin them down.

ILoveYourVibes · 07-10-2020 8:51am

Jequ0n wrote: »

But the OP did the same until shortly before it blew up, her issue was with him having lied about it.
I would have lied too, why potentially damage your chances because the other person might take this badly? But then I lie every day and might not be a good comparison.

Either way this clearly wasn’t meant to be

Fine but she didn't catch you out lying did she?

I am sure you are fine comparison but its about the ops situation.

She made a decision that SHE thought was good for her at the time.

Yes we get the motivation for why he acted that way.

But its about the OP's mindset really. She thought this was in her best interests. But a need is drawing her away from her head told her was her best interests.

Why is she hanging on?

She likes him a lot more than he likes her.

I suppose my point is if they are texting others and still on apps etc he’s not interested.

Exactly.

OP just imagine him laughing with his mates at your text ..or getting an ego boost.

You will feel worse having texted him.

Its really just loneliness. Its hard to socialize during the pandemic we are all feeling it.

OP did you feel what you did was a good decision at the time?

And what has changed in you since? just doubt? The change is in you ..its not external. Nothing has changed but your emotions.

Why do you think its better to change that decision now?

Limpy · 07-10-2020 8:55am

If he regretted leaving you he would of txt or tried himself to get back to you. He was playing with you when you thought it was serious, by texting him he will have even less respect for you. I can imagine him telling the lads your one is on to me again. Of it's Just sex then its ok, you will have fun for awhile until he finds his "one".

ILoveYourVibes · 07-10-2020 8:57am

Limpy wrote: »

If he regretted leaving you he would of txt or tried himself to get back to you. He was playing with you when you thought it was serious, by texting him he will have even less respect for you. I can imagine him telling the lads your one is on to me again. Of it's Just sex then its ok, you will have fun for awhile until he finds his "one".

I am in total agreement.

TheadoreT · 07-10-2020 9:22am

Ella281 wrote: »

Honestly, why do lads have to text multiple girls rather than focus on the one they like? It’s so juvenile.

I suppose my point is if they are texting others and still on apps etc he’s not interested. I remember seeing men I liked and other men went on the back burner or tbh, I forgot to text them back etc cause my focus was on the fella I was seeing and I didn’t NEED to text someone else. Think back when you were dating him or anyone else you liked. Were you texting other men? Probably not.

What I’d say, whatever about the snooping or texting etc, it’s been 6month and it hasn’t bothered him. Remember this is a two way street and he hasn’t reached out or tried to test the waters so id leave him off.

The only way you could both come back together would be organically, perhaps bumping into eachother etc and becoming friendly again.
But texting and reaching out screams desperation and clingy ness.

You clearly haven't read the full thread as she states she was doing the same on tinder not so long before.

This forum is very bad for clumsy and false generalisations and often feels like lacking in real life experiences. Things like "if hes texting others he's clearly not into it" are patently untrue in all cases.

Much like her messaging on tinder didnt mean anything and she was very much into him he could have been doing the exact same. Early dating these days is a cluster**** of overthinking and gauging intentions and not wanting to come off overly keen, and 'are they still on apps' and "what's our label" and not wanting to be the once who broaches that topic. And that's before you even get into how emotionally available either party are, whether there was a recent break up or one of their hearts are elsewhere.

Its honestly very advisable to keep things breezy at this stage and let things grow naturally. Whats far more important than him texting a girl when unofficial is whether he was initiating fun dates, not cancelling last minute, emotionally available, present with her and generally treated her well. If he passed on all those fronts then she made a big mistake here imo. She blew the "lies" completely out of proportion, let's face it, they're so white they'd get off a murder charge with compelling evidence.

Op needs to work on herself imo as there's far more red flags on her side here imo. The hypocrisy of judging him for what she did herself. The intensity of snooping on someone's messages you're not even official with and all the trust issues that go with that. Dumping him and almost expecting him to get on his knees for forgiveness. Self sabotaging something good over insignificant issues are all things that will make this difficult dating stage 10 times harder for you.

LegacyUser · 07-10-2020 10:23am

TheadoreT wrote: »

I dunno if what he did was all that wrong, when you're in that murky dating but not official stage you could be keeping certain options low key open if things dont progress for whatever reason. Quite feasible you were his sole focus and he had similar hopes of progressing things and would have stopped any contact with others when official, I know I've done that in the past.

And I'm not sure him lying was all that bad either. That other girl may have meant so little that he didnt want to worry you or potentially risk losing you by admitting something that was nothing but trivial harmless texting.

I can only assume you finding out was through snooping which is a bit concerning when not even official. Whether that was due to your instinct he was being shady or you've trust issues in general you'll know the answer better.

You are the first person to say this and it's refreshing to see another side to this. Its like everyone is saying hes pure evil and im crazy to even consider talking to him. Its gotten me really down because I feel like I am actually crazy thinking like this when people are advising me otherwise.

Im not trying to defend myself but I only found out because I heard his phone vibrate when he was out of the room and looked at his phone. I didnt unlock the phone to look at the message and I just saw the few lines from the preview but I still shouldn't have done it.

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

You come off as desperate.

Why? Because I want to get back with an ex that I really cared about and never felt like this with anyone before? Maybe that is desparation but I dont want to let something potentially great slip away for reasons of pride or not to come across desparate.

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

OP did you feel what you did was a good decision at the time?

And what has changed in you since? just doubt? The change is in you ..its not external. Nothing has changed but your emotions.

Why do you think its better to change that decision now?

No the decision at the time felt horrible. It was the last thing I wanted to do. What I should have done was just asked to take a break for a while to think about things and let my emotions cool.

Whats changed is that I looked back on everything that happened and thought it wasnt as big a deal as I made it out to be. I think I was so invested in him that I saw this as a complete betrayal but really we werent at that stage of the relationship yet. It still hurt and he was wrong to lie but I know everyone lies, even me. If it was a recurring thing it would be very different.

TheadoreT wrote: »

This forum is very bad for clumsy and false generalisations and often feels like lacking in real life experiences. Things like "if hes texting others he's clearly not into it" are patently untrue in all cases.

Ive started to believe thats the reality now and that Im the crazy one. I feel that if theres any moment where a guy does something wrong or goes against the ideal love story you see in movies that hes not into you at all or he should be dumped. Its so upsetting because there doesnt seem to be any guys out there that are like that.

Its honestly very advisable to keep things breezy at this stage and let things grow naturally. Whats far more important than him texting a girl when unofficial is whether he was initiating fun dates, not cancelling last minute, emotionally available, present with her and generally treated her well. If he passed on all those fronts then she made a big mistake here imo. She blew the "lies" completely out of proportion, let's face it, they're so white they'd get off a murder charge with compelling evidence.

I guess I made a big mistake

Op needs to work on herself imo as there's far more red flags on her side here imo. The hypocrisy of judging him for what she did herself. The intensity of snooping on someone's messages you're not even official with and all the trust issues that go with that. Dumping him and almost expecting him to get on his knees for forgiveness. Self sabotaging something good over insignificant issues are all things that will make this difficult dating stage 10 times harder for you.

I feel a little bit hypocritical but then again I was off Tinder a few weeks at that point. The lying really hurt me too but I was never in the position where I had to defend myself and I dont know what Id do. Id like to think I would be fully honest with my partner.

Expecting him to look for forgiveness was from advice I got on this forum

. I didnt know what was the normal reaction to a breakup and when he went silent I was told that he should have been messaging you begging to be taken back.

Jequ0n · 07-10-2020 12:19pm

honestyandtrust101 wrote: »

Expecting him to look for forgiveness was from advice I got on this forum . I didnt know what was the normal reaction to a breakup and when he went silent I was told that he should have been messaging you begging to be taken back.

Well you played a mind game and it blew up in your face. Don’t do it again unless you know the “target” better to gage their reaction. If you are looking for an “honest“ relationship (which I think you are?) you might want to avoid this though and be straight to the point. You will not have any stable relationship if it is based on games.

I’m not judging you, just pointing out what you can improve going forward

LegacyUser · 07-10-2020 12:47pm

Jequ0n wrote: »

Well you played a mind game and it blew up in your face. Don’t do it again unless you know the “target” better to gage their reaction. If you are looking for an “honest“ relationship (which I think you are?) you might want to avoid this though and be straight to the point. You will not have any stable relationship if it is based on games.

I’m not judging you, just pointing out what you can improve going forward

I wasnt playing any games. At least not intentionally. I went silent because I felt I needed to do it to gather my thoughts. It was only after a while I asked on this forum about the breakup and was told that he should have been reaching out. It didnt change any way I behaved towards him.

Hannibal_Smith · 07-10-2020 1:12pm

He was just friends with another girl, but he lied about exchanging texts with her? Why did he lie if it was all innocent? Did he think you would react in a certain way if he'd told you the truth?

That's a conversation that you probably should have had... maybe you did..at the time.

Whether he got in touch with you since can only be gauged by how badly things finished and only you and he know that. If you were adamant you never wanted to speak to or see him again, well he's not going to try contact you in those circumstances. If the shoe was on the other foot with you texting a friend, lying about it etc and your ex broke up with you, would you try make contact? If 6 months had passed and they reached out to you, would you want to revisit that pain?

I'd say send a text. Be mindful it could go either way and prepare yourself for that. However, even if it is a no you get in response, at least you'll know and be out of this limbo you've found yourself in.

laserlad2010 · 07-10-2020 1:22pm

This is bananas and representative of the keyboard warriors on this forum

Ye were casually seeing each other for 3 months
You were back on Tinder "a month before" so at the 2 month point and you don't think you should get the same treatment for that

You then looked at a few lines of an innocent text to another girl on his phone (but that's ok for a girl to do eh?) which you admit was innocent, actually you say you went through them and they were still innocent

You asked if he was "texting someone else" which is a question that is so loaded with meaning and given your reaction, probably asked with a serious load of emotion behind it (correct me if I'm wrong)

He denies it for one of three reasons:
- He wasn't texting someone else in a romantic sense (you said the messages were innocent)
- He didn't want you to know about it because you'd get upset and he planned to sleep around
- He didn't want you to know about it because he wasn't really doing anything wrong in his eyes

He has not reached out for one simple reason:
- YOU ASKED HIM NOT TO

Given your response to the scenario it is entirely possible that he has felt he has dodged a bullet

A good lesson in life:
- Hold yourself to the same standard as you do others

You were doing the exact same thing, and can you swear you wouldn't have denied it if asked?

TheadoreT · 07-10-2020 1:53pm

For something we all do tonnes of times everyday lying has such a bad stigma. It's a form of kindness in many instances and this "I need 100% honesty in relationships" nonsense is a sure fire recipe for failure. Of course theres a dark side to lying and at it's worse can have very real and destructive consequences but all instances need to be judged in isolation.

Someone not telling the truth about an absolutely meaningless online conversation could be seen as being kind to not set the person their datings mind racing about someone who is zero threat to the relationship.

What the guy didnt know was OP had snooped on his phone and she was asking the question in a form of entrapment to justify some irrational self fulfilling profecy she had about liars or her misplaced ideal notion of the perfect relationship(that only applies to him and not her) .

If you are to get things going again I'd advise to chill out on the intensity x100, try communicate better, and just enjoy each others company without letting your fear of being mugged off manifest itself into blowing minor situations out of all proportion. And above all going nuclear and ending things is never a smart ploy to try test his commitment.

LegacyUser · 07-10-2020 3:27pm

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

He was just friends with another girl, but he lied about exchanging texts with her? Why did he lie if it was all innocent? Did he think you would react in a certain way if he'd told you the truth?

He wasnt friends with this girl. She was someone he had struck up a conversation with on tinder before we started dating. He had been talking to her on and off but never met because she moved abroad.

Whether he got in touch with you since can only be gauged by how badly things finished and only you and he know that. If you were adamant you never wanted to speak to or see him again, well he's not going to try contact you in those circumstances. If the shoe was on the other foot with you texting a friend, lying about it etc and your ex broke up with you, would you try make contact? If 6 months had passed and they reached out to you, would you want to revisit that pain?

Unfortunately thats something I cant answer for sure. Knowing me its likely I would though. I find it really hard to not talk to someone or ignore a message.

I'd say send a text. Be mindful it could go either way and prepare yourself for that. However, even if it is a no you get in response, at least you'll know and be out of this limbo you've found yourself in.

Im under no illusion that this could go terribly and he hates my guts. But youre right. At least then Ill know for sure and can walk away knowing theres nothing else I could do.

TheadoreT wrote: »

For something we all do tonnes of times everyday lying has such a bad stigma. It's a form of kindness in many instances and this "I need 100% honesty in relationships" nonsense is a sure fire recipe for failure. Of course theres a dark side to lying and at it's worse can have very real and destructive consequences but all instances need to be judged in isolation.

Someone not telling the truth about an absolutely meaningless online conversation could be seen as being kind to not set the person their datings mind racing about someone who is zero threat to the relationship.

I think this is so true and its good to hear such a frank statement. Everyone speaks about this perfect man who is infallible. I can tell you all of my male (and female) friends are far from perfect and either am I. Ive known them all to lie at some point but it doesnt mean theyre any less of a person or had any malice behind the lies. Theyre just human. But in a relationship it seems that youre not allowed to be human and make mistakes. Its a one shot thing.

What the guy didnt know was OP had snooped on his phone and she was asking the question in a form of entrapment to justify some irrational self fulfilling profecy she had about liars or her misplaced ideal notion of the perfect relationship(that only applies to him and not her) .

I guess it was entrapment but totally unintentional. I was expecting him to be honest with me when I brought it up and then it got out of control when he started lying about it. If I was to go back in time I would have just said that I like how our relationship is going and would hope that youre not keeping your options open (or something more well written) instead of bringing up the messages.

If you are to get things going again I'd advise to chill out on the intensity x100, try communicate better, and just enjoy each others company without letting your fear of being mugged off manifest itself into blowing minor situations out of all proportion. And above all going nuclear and ending things is never a smart ploy to try test his commitment.

I was in my head a lot wondering what he meant by saying this or that, or why he posted that on social media, or why is he being silent. Then I went online and googled advice, asked on forums and so on. My mind was all over the place and didnt know what to do or say. I would have been better off just taking advice from my close personal friends and family who have my best interest at heart.

The internet can be very black and white with advice and some of the details of the situation or even the emotional side dont translate very well over text.

LegacyUser · 09-10-2020 12:50pm

Thanks for all the advice everyone! I think I'll know not to post long replies in the future. Looks like it killed the discussion!

I thought I would update you on what happened, not that Im expecting anyone to be interested.

I sent him a message apologising for how I dealt with the breakup. He said there was no need to apologise and he was the one that was wrong.

He also said it was great to hear from me. We just caught up on where our lives were and then fell into our old habits, just asking what we were doing right now, watching netflix ect. The conversation naturally fizzled out so I just said goodnight and it was nice to be chatting again.

I was worried to say more because I usually put my foot in it when texting. I'd prefer to meet in person to talk about anything more serious, but thats not looking likely anytime soon with all the restrictions.

Is it best to keep contact to a minimum until we meet in person again?

IAMAMORON · 09-10-2020 3:10pm

honestyandtrust101 wrote: »

I would love to tell you the whole background to my story, but there's too much to say so I'll keep it short.

I was seeing a guy for a short while. 3 months to be exact. I was crazy about him and thought he was going to be the one. I have never had much luck dating and he was completely different to anyone I had been with before, in a good way. We weren't officially girlfriend and boyfriend, but I was just about to ask him when things made a turn for the worse.

I found out he was having some relatively innocent messages with another girl but when I asked him about it he lied about it saying that he wasn't messaging anyone. It could have been very innocent and he was just bored but because he lied about it I decided to end it, even though we weren't officially girlfriend and boyfriend.

He said I was right to end things because I lost trust in him and he was very sorry at the time. The way I left it was that I told him I'm not sure I could forgive him or if we could ever get back together. 6 months have passed now and we haven't spoken a word.

I've been thinking about him almost every day since we broke up. Most of the days it's just a fleeting thought when I see something that reminds me of him, but he's still on my mind. I think I'm willing to look past what he did, but some might think that's foolish. He hasn't reached out to me at all since the breakup and I worry that he's moved on. But on the other hand he might not want to risk trying things again seeing as I said I may never forgive him.

Would I be crazy for sending him a message to meet up and rekindle things? Is it always a case of once a liar always a liar?

He is over you now. The fact that you got in his face over a few texts when you were not even "officially" an item means you went too far. You were too heavy with him, how did you "find out " he was messaging someone else? Who told you that, or did you go snooping?

He is unlikely to take you on now after that ordeal, unless you are extremely attractive and he fancies a good time. But he is unlikely to respect you for taking him back after dumping him, that was a huge mistake.

It is up to you, but the long term prospects of your relationship succeeding are now slim to none. You could still be lovers, but he will always struggle to trust you going forward because you have already dumped him. Men hate that and they need to feel trusted also, not pried upon.

amdublin · 09-10-2020 6:40pm

honestyandtrust101 wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice everyone! I think I'll know not to post long replies in the future. Looks like it killed the discussion!

I thought I would update you on what happened, not that Im expecting anyone to be interested.

I sent him a message apologising for how I dealt with the breakup. He said there was no need to apologise and he was the one that was wrong.

He also said it was great to hear from me. We just caught up on where our lives were and then fell into our old habits, just asking what we were doing right now, watching netflix ect. The conversation naturally fizzled out so I just said goodnight and it was nice to be chatting again.

I was worried to say more because I usually put my foot in it when texting. I'd prefer to meet in person to talk about anything more serious, but thats not looking likely anytime soon with all the restrictions.

Is it best to keep contact to a minimum until we meet in person again?

Why do you think you will be meeting? The conversation naturally fizzled out? The reaching out to him is now over, no?

LegacyUser · 09-10-2020 7:10pm

amdublin wrote: »

Why do you think you will be meeting? The conversation naturally fizzled out? The reaching out to him is now over, no?

I think we might be meeting because I might suggest it once the restrictions relax. He could say no but that's okay.

The conversation fizzled out because we got to the point where we were asking each other what we were doing at that moment. I thought it was a good time to say I was going to sleep, which was the truth.

amdublin · 09-10-2020 8:41pm

honestyandtrust101 wrote: »

I think we might be meeting because I might suggest it once the restrictions relax. He could say no but that's okay.

The conversation fizzled out because we got to the point where we were asking each other what we were doing at that moment. I thought it was a good time to say I was going to sleep, which was the truth.

Why do you think this is a good idea?

Sonic the Shaghog · 09-10-2020 9:32pm

You'll be reading back on this with amazement after you've caught him texting others or actually cheating on you this time its like a slow car crash reading these posts

Jequ0n · 09-10-2020 10:07pm

honestyandtrust101 wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice everyone! I think I'll know not to post long replies in the future. Looks like it killed the discussion!

I thought I would update you on what happened, not that Im expecting anyone to be interested.

Again, a bit dramatic. Why would anyone be thriving to get an update on a 6 month old fling.

If this guy had any interest he'd have let you known. Maybe you blew it, maybe it wasn't meant to be. Either way this will not be your fairy tale romance and any more contact attempts from your side will inevitably make you look desperate for attention. Though I guess you will ignore any advice anyway and do your thing

10-10-2020 7:45am

honestyandtrust101 wrote: »

Is it best to keep contact to a minimum until we meet in person again?

Did you make any arrangements to meet up?

Edit, just saw your post where you say you will suggest it.
I wouldnt, I think it's pointless

Hannibal_Smith · 10-10-2020 7:51am

Has he been in contact since? I really wouldn't hedge any bets on meeting up and I mean that in the kindest of ways if he hasn't been in touch.

You've sent the text and opened the lines of communication. The doubt he might have had about getting in contact is gone.

If he's not getting in touch don't pick over it any longer, move on.

LegacyUser · 10-10-2020 3:16pm

Jequ0n wrote: »

Again, a bit dramatic. Why would anyone be thriving to get an update on a 6 month old fling.

That was exactly my point and why I said it!

If this guy had any interest he'd have let you known. Maybe you blew it, maybe it wasn't meant to be. Either way this will not be your fairy tale romance and any more contact attempts from your side will inevitably make you look desperate for attention. Though I guess you will ignore any advice anyway and do your thing

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Has he been in contact since? I really wouldn't hedge any bets on meeting up and I mean that in the kindest of ways if he hasn't been in touch.

You've sent the text and opened the lines of communication. The doubt he might have had about getting in contact is gone.

If he's not getting in touch don't pick over it any longer, move on.

I decided to ask friends and another forum the same question just to see if Im being crazy or not because opinion here seems to be very one sided. Im not saying anyone here is wrong but its always good to get a second opinion!

Most of them told me that I should be the one to make all the moves because I was the one who dumped him and that doing anything else is just playing some kind of game. They said that he already made his attempts to reconcile when you broke up so why would he try again when he thinks he will fall flat on his face. I could easily be leaving out some key information here that Ive told them and not you and if I am its entirely my fault. Theres a lot of information and sometimes i forget which bits are important.

And the point about being desperate, a good friend of mine said this to me today (paraphrasing):

"Dont worry about appearing desperate. He either wants to rekindle things or he doesnt. If he truly wants to be with you, desperation wouldnt turn anyone off and can actually be attractive if he still has feelings for you. If he doesnt want to be with you, it doesn't matter how you come across and you could be attractive, confident and aloof and he will still want nothing to do with you."

Is there anything to be said for taking a risk? What do I have to lose in reality? He could reject me outright and we never speak again and so me appearing desperate doesnt matter, or he could want to rekindle things and it might work out.

I truly am not trying to ignore the advice here. I am really trying to get my thoughts straight. My gut tells me to give it a chance and that I've nothing to lose. Emotions are really hard to ignore

10-10-2020 3:53pm

You have already texted him.
You apologised (not sure why!) ye then had a bit of conversation that 'fizzled out'

Did he give you some idea that he wanted to meet? or get back together? has he texted or got in touch since that?

if not, then I really would try to put this behind you

LegacyUser · 10-10-2020 5:27pm

I say go for it. What have you got to lose? Atleast that way you won't wonder what if? It's what I would do. I couldn't deal with wondering forever.

Who knows he may not be interested or he may be, either way you will have your answer and can then proceed.

And if ye do end up back together and he does it again atleast you can say you tried.

Best of luck

heartvshead · 10-10-2020 6:49pm

I'm glad you texted him OP and it's positive that he 1. he replied 2. he was happy to hear from you. Given the World of ghosting, I think it's a good response in itself.

If nothing else, it removes the 'what ifs' and 'regrets' that can be all consuming. Also good to clear the air with someone you had a strong connection with - the knot in your stomach can now go.

You apologised due to the passage of time and re-evaluation of matters with a cool head and the fact your feelings for him haven't gone away. Nothing wrong with that! That doesn't diminish or take away from how you felt at the time and he'd know that. If anything it shows maturity and sincerity on your part - and might go some way to explaining your reaction at the time i.e. how strongly you felt about him and therefore felt betrayed and hurt.

With the benefit of hindsight, we could all 'react' differently to situations but that doesn't mean your reaction was 'wrong'. If anything it's a constant life lesson of the minefield that is early dating confusion!! Yes he did what he did - does that mean he'd do it again? Who knows? But he's under no illusion if he did - what the consequences would be.

The fact he (eventually) came clean and apologised at the time but despite this, you broke up with him and are now re-connecting - I believe the ball's firmly in your court to initiate a meeting (if so desired). It's not up to him to ask you in this instance. He'd have been taken by surprise at your contact, however given the history would be threading carefully as does not yet know your intentions. Last thing he would want would be miscommunication or conflict.

A few pleasantries were exchanged and then naturally it "fizzled" given it was night time and an unexpected. It was a good idea to sign off to bed before things got weird/awkward etc. Plus some posters are asking if he's been in touch since? Again without knowing his status, I would not expect him to, given you're initiating and leading on this one.

I don't know the if you discussed his relationship status (if he's single) but given a few days headspace, I'd retain the momentum and suggest a coffee walk? Not much else to do right now!

At least then, you'll be able to gauge response etc. and go from there...

It's so hard to find a connection these days, even pre-Covid and dating is tough - so when you find it with someone and feel there may be unfinished business, give it a go. Absoloutely nothing to loose and who cares if someone thinks you look 'desperate' - these situations are not black and white nor one size fits all. People make mistakes - lessons learned - time passes - mindsets can change.

LegacyUser · 11-10-2020 10:46am

No regrets wrote: »

I say go for it. What have you got to lose? Atleast that way you won't wonder what if? It's what I would do. I couldn't deal with wondering forever.

Who knows he may not be interested or he may be, either way you will have your answer and can then proceed.

And if ye do end up back together and he does it again atleast you can say you tried.

Best of luck

Thats what I was thinking. I could be forever think of him as the one who got away. The only thing stopping me from finding that out is a perceived fear of coming across desperate. I think this is a big problem in society. People not wanting to be their true selves because theyre worried what other people will think. Youve only one life to live and if youre not hurting anyone taking an action then why not do it.

Thank you for the well wishes.

heartvshead wrote: »

I'm glad you texted him OP and it's positive that he 1. he replied 2. he was happy to hear from you. Given the World of ghosting, I think it's a good response in itself.

Thanks! I know. It truly surprised me if Im honest. He replied very quickly. I was expecting him to take hours to respond to first gather his thoughts or maybe not respond at all. Im not sure if the speed of a response is anything to read into though.

With the benefit of hindsight, we could all 'react' differently to situations but that doesn't mean your reaction was 'wrong'. If anything it's a constant life lesson of the minefield that is early dating confusion!! Yes he did what he did - does that mean he'd do it again? Who knows? But he's under no illusion if he did - what the consequences would be.

At the time I thought I was doing the right thing but looking back now with a clear mind I could have dealt with it a lot better. My mind was fogged with emotions. I tried to tell myself to take some time to think about things but I couldnt help texting him after the breakup trying to figure out what happened. I think it made the situation worse in the end.

The fact he (eventually) came clean and apologised at the time but despite this, you broke up with him and are now re-connecting - I believe the ball's firmly in your court to initiate a meeting (if so desired). It's not up to him to ask you in this instance. He'd have been taken by surprise at your contact, however given the history would be threading carefully as does not yet know your intentions. Last thing he would want would be miscommunication or conflict.

Thats why Im not sure what to do next. I could easily keep messaging him with pleasantries every now and then but I think I would just become the friendly ex! On the other hand if I come straight out saying that I still have feelings for him it might throw him off because weve only spoken briefly since the breakup.

A few pleasantries were exchanged and then naturally it "fizzled" given it was night time and an unexpected. It was a good idea to sign off to bed before things got weird/awkward etc. Plus some posters are asking if he's been in touch since? Again without knowing his status, I would not expect him to, given you're initiating and leading on this one.

I don't know the if you discussed his relationship status (if he's single) but given a few days headspace, I'd retain the momentum and suggest a coffee walk? Not much else to do right now!

Would it be wrong to ask him if hes seeing anyone before suggesting meeting up? I figure asking that question would give the impression that Im still interested without actually saying it. But Im also worried that Im asking a personal question thats really none of my business!

It's so hard to find a connection these days, even pre-Covid and dating is tough - so when you find it with someone and feel there may be unfinished business, give it a go. Absoloutely nothing to loose and who cares if someone thinks you look 'desperate' - these situations are not black and white nor one size fits all. People make mistakes - lessons learned - time passes - mindsets can change.

Thank you so much for your post. Its made me feel a lot better about the situation. I honestly mean that.

laserlad2010 · 11-10-2020 12:37pm

You're only replying to posts that are telling you what you want to hear

Two of ye in it really - either ask him out or don't

It comes across that you're enjoying the drama of it all with these long replies to enabling posts

LegacyUser · 11-10-2020 7:18pm

laserlad2010 wrote: »

You're only replying to posts that are telling you what you want to hear

Two of ye in it really - either ask him out or don't

It comes across that you're enjoying the drama of it all with these long replies to enabling posts

Im not sure what you meant. I replied to most comments on this thread. If I didnt quote any its probably because it was said before. Sorry if I missed some replies.

I was only giving long replies because I was trying to explain myself in detail. I dont think a few words captures everything thats going on. Also I have a lot of free time on my hands.

I really do not enjoy the drama unless asking for advice and replying to comments is dramatic!

It might be best if I stop replying. I think Im annoying a lot of people. (theres the drama!). Thanks for all your advice. I have listened to and considered it all even if it doesnt seem like I have.

Hannibal_Smith · 11-10-2020 7:56pm

I think you need to take all the advice, consider it and then make a decision on what to do. Text him further, don't text him further, but make the decision and move passed this. If you were together for 3 months and broken up for 6, that means you've spent twice the time you were together lamenting the relationship. That is not good.

Rekindling relationship with lying ex

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