Advice please - girlfriend's exes

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

why are you doing this to yourself?
can i ask you a genuine question, is your girlfriend on some kind of spectrum, seriously!

is she that oblivious to your feelings because ive never come across this kind of behavoir before, and ive had quite a few girlfriends in the past.

Youve had nearly every person in this thread saying the same thing to you. we cant all be wrong?

To me, she sounds quite selfish in her views, almost self absorbed, and clearly values nothing but own autonomy over everything, including your feelings. i dont know what to say to you except run. she wont change.
best of luck

Katgurl

I don't agree with the other replies here at all. They are a group of childhood friends. They grew up together and share memories - parents breaking up, family tragedies etc. It's not as simple as her replacing this group with a group of girls.

She's not keeping you apart or pretending to be single. But she's right, she should be free to meet up at some stage without you. She's not blind, she knows you're tense and it must make her tense too. The night she asked you to go home, she was probably having loads of fun, didn't want the night to end and given they are her group of friends not yours it would be nice if you had let her stay out.

You haven't said anything about flirting, chemistry, suggestive remarks, mentionitis taking place. Everything you've mentioned is stuff in the past.

She's not your property. You have a child together. You sound a solid couple. Let her have a night out with her old friends and have some fun without you. Apart from anything else being with a man who knows he doesn't have to monitor you as he's confident enough to know you wouldn't stray is very very attractive.

sbsquarepants

OP i'm with Katgurl, this is really your problem, and unfortunately it's not an easy one to get over. Things like insecurity / jealousy tend to run deep. But the long and the short of it is that your girlfriend has done nothing wrong, we all have our past and we can't change them, you'll just need to suck it up or bounce on i'm afraid.

ManOfMystery

OP When I was younger, I used to have similar worries to yourself.

The best thing I ever did was just accept deep down that what will happen, will happen - and all the stressing and worrying in the world will only drive you insane. If she cheats on you and it's inherently in her nature to be deceitful, she doesn't deserve to be your partner and you're better off without her and knowing the truth of what she's like.

And if she doesn't cheat (which is what most people's expectation would be).................. then there's no problem.

You have to accept both these things as a positive, no matter how difficult it is.

You're stuck in this no-man's land in the middle, where there is nothing to suggest she will cheat on you but you're constantly worried it will happen. All the worrying in the world won't change the outcome either way. In fact, if anything, your behaviour could be perceived as a lack of trust in her, which will only send your relationship south and potentially end up damaging the very thing you're trying to safeguard.

IAMAMORON

If she was genuine she would have no problem with you tagging along when she is out meeting her troupe of old lovers for a big old flirt off.... and whatever else she is up to after a bottle of Cab Sav.

Girls with no girlfriends and loads of boyfriends are attention seeking nightmares.

She is ripping the piss out of you.

Dump her.

LegacyUser

I’ve already said she has plenty of friends. I don’t think she’d cheat. It’s about appropriateness and respect I think. I feel disrespected when I see her out having craic with people she’s been sexual with. What she sees as appropriate I see the opposite.

Katgurl

Is there a flirtatious vibe to their interactions? To give you another perspective -

I went on a weekend holiday with an old gang of my friends. Our baby was young so my partner stayed behind. I wasn't entirely sure who was going when I RSVPd but I felt a bit stressed when I realised one of the guys was someone I had dated prior to my partner, it hadn't worked out and we weren't ever good friends but had very good friends in common (one of whom was the organizer). He was coming with his girlfriend. Another guy was going that I had a more complicated history with - we had been good friends, had sporadically slept together and there had been feelings on both sides but never the same time so we had never been together. I have no romantic feelings.

I guess I'm a bit torn here. I told my partner and although he was sceptical I was adamant there would be nothing to worry about; no flirting, no staying up for late night chats, nothing I wouldn't do in front of him. He said I should go. I really really appreciated it and found him even more attractive because of it. I don't honestly know how I would have felt the other way around. If he had asked me not to go I would have agreed and not held it against him. After all, he was staying at home with the baby. Plenty of people on here might have told him I was taking him for a mug. I wasn't.

Apart from the romantic entanglements they share childhood history and i don't think it's fair for you to keep that from her. IME women can go back to just platonic feelings for someone quite easily and completely forget about the physical side of things. I think if there are Christmas drinks organised suggest she goes without you for once. It'll show her you trust her then she's far more likely to feel relaxed and will want you there with her the next time. It can't be fun for her feeling on edge when you're around.

IAMAMORON

Katgurl wrote: »

Is there a flirtatious vibe to their interactions? To give you another perspective -

I went on a weekend holiday with an old gang of my friends. Our baby was young so my partner stayed behind. I wasn't entirely sure who was going when I RSVPd but I felt a bit stressed when I realised one of the guys was someone I had dated prior to my partner, it hadn't worked out and we weren't ever good friends but had very good friends in common (one of whom was the organizer). He was coming with his girlfriend. Another guy was going that I had a more complicated history with - we had been good friends, had sporadically slept together and there had been feelings on both sides but never the same time so we had never been together. I have no romantic feelings.

I guess I'm a bit torn here. I told my partner and although he was sceptical I was adamant there would be nothing to worry about; no flirting, no staying up for late night chats, nothing I wouldn't do in front of him. He said I should go. I really really appreciated it and found him even more attractive because of it. I don't honestly know how I would have felt the other way around. If he had asked me not to go I would have agreed and not held it against him. After all, he was staying at home with the baby. Plenty of people on here might have told him I was taking him for a mug. I wasn't.

Apart from the romantic entanglements they share childhood history and i don't think it's fair for you to keep that from her. IME women can go back to just platonic feelings for someone quite easily and completely forget about the physical side of things. I think if there are Christmas drinks organised suggest she goes without you for once. It'll show her you trust her then she's far more likely to feel relaxed and will want you there with her the next time. It can't be fun for her feeling on edge when you're around.

It is different for you though because you have a baby now. You are not really on most blokes spectrum anymore, your partner is well aware of this.

In the ops scenario his girlfriend has not had any kids yet, she is still courting several potential partners.

That is the issue.

ManOfMystery

IAMAMORON wrote: »

It is different for you though because you have a baby now. You are not really on most blokes spectrum anymore, your partner is well aware of this.

In the ops scenario his girlfriend has not had any kids yet, she is still courting several potential partners.

That is the issue.

Wow. So much wrong with this post.

IAMAMORON

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Wow. So much wrong with this post.

Like what?

ManOfMystery

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Like what?

Well asides from being mildly insulting to the OP, it's a slightly misogynistic generalisation that once a woman has had a child, she is no longer attractive to the majority of potential suitors. I can think of numerous examples even within my own group of friends, neighbours and colleagues where this isn't the case. And you present this reasoning as the main issue with the OP's predicament?

Bearing in mind your previous post that "Girls with no girlfriends and loads of boyfriends are attention seeking nightmares" and your repeated shouts of Dump Her/She's taking the piss/Dump her, it's obvious that you're suffering from the same insecurities that the OP has - namely, unable to accept that people are able to have sexual relationships and then move into friendship without having the urge to jump each other every time they meet up.

She has been friends with these guys longer than she's been with the OP. She has the right to socialise in their company without him insisting on being present - it's called trust, and it's what most adults are able to manage.

IAMAMORON

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Well asides from being mildly insulting to the OP, it's a slightly misogynistic generalisation that once a woman has had a child, she is no longer attractive to the majority of potential suitors. I can think of numerous examples even within my own group of friends, neighbours and colleagues where this isn't the case. And you present this reasoning as the main issue with the OP's predicament?

Bearing in mind your previous post that "Girls with no girlfriends and loads of boyfriends are attention seeking nightmares" and your repeated shouts of Dump Her/She's taking the piss/Dump her, it's obvious that you're suffering from the same insecurities that the OP has - namely, unable to accept that people are able to have sexual relationships and then move into friendship without having the urge to jump each other every time they meet up.

She has been friends with these guys longer than she's been with the OP. She has the right to socialise in their company without him insisting on being present - it's called trust, and it's what most adults are able to manage.

I would prefer if you stayed on topic if I am being honest?

Most blokes would prefer to not start a relationship with women who already have kids, that is a fact and whilst it may be a home truth that you are not altogether comfortable with, I prefer to keep things in the real world when giving out advice.

If you are not comfortable with my opinions I suggest you report them to a moderator. But I would ask that you don't use this thread as an opportunity for you to start criticising my life please? That is not what should be happening here, keep the personal remarks to yourself. You have no idea who I am or anything about my life?

bitofabind

Well this took a weird turn. Women don't suddenly become unattractive or undesirable when they've had kids. Blanket statements like this don't help and don't apply either, since the OP has stated they have a child together.

This seems to be a perfect storm of the OP's insecurities combined with an OH that is determined to do what she likes and not consider her partner's needs in this relationship. I don't believe it's a simple matter of "ah they're childhood friends, there's no issue here." Katgurl, in your example, you checked in with your partner, he had no issues so off you went. In this case, the woman is going to do what she wants despite knowing the anxiety it causes her partner. This in turn provokes his anxiety even further and she couldn't give a fcuk. She may even double down and meet them on her own, send him home early from the pub so she can have more fun. Almost as if it's designed to provoke.

Is this how we behave when we love someone? I would hope not. I hate seeing my partner upset, it's even worse when it's something I've caused. If he had an issue with some similar situation, I'd probably be a little annoyed, but wouldn't be doubling down. I'd be talking about it and doing what I can to make him feel secure. "These are my friends, I'm going to see them, what can I do to make you feel ok about this?" None of that going on here.

IAMAMORON

Apologies OP, my hands up here, I was not aware that you already had a child together. It was only when I re-read your post about her sending you home early to relieve the babysitter whilst she stayed out flirting with her ex partners that I realised my misinterpretation.

Neyite

Mod note:
Can we stop with the generalisations of women and the assumptions please.

Stick to giving the OP helpful advice.

Thanks

Katgurl

IAMAMORON wrote: »

It is different for you though because you have a baby now. You are not really on most blokes spectrum anymore, your partner is well aware of this.

In the ops scenario his girlfriend has not had any kids yet, she is still courting several potential partners.

That is the issue.

What a ridiculous not to mention offensive post. How would you know if I'm on most blokes' spectrum? Have I said anything about whether I get propositioned or not? The point is they are not on mine so it doesn't matter, not because of the baby but because I love my partner and would never cheat or disrespect him behind his back.

ETA - whoops sorry just spotted the mod warning. I was so annoyed by that post I responded before finishing the thread. Back on topic

Katgurl

@bitofabind yes valid points and I do agree with you. But is she actually saying "the hell with your feelings and I'm going out anyway"? Or maybe she's frustrated and saying "look you've been out with us all as a group, there is nothing to worry about, there may be a time when I'm there without you and there will still be nothing to worry about". She is possibly opening up the conversation as she wants him to be ok with it. It doesn't necessarily follow she's going to plough on regardless.

And as for staying late on the night out to flirt - the OP hasn't said there was flirting. The drink and laughs were probably flowing, the friends could have begged her to stay out and she just suggested it spontaneously. Maybe that is even what opened up this conversation topic.

I'm not saying everybody else here is wrong, that OP's girlfriend isn't enjoying the attention and trying to have the best of both worlds, I'm saying it's not a definite. I certainly wasn't courting attention or flirting but it was nice to let my hair down and have a bit of a blow out while knowing my partner was fine with it. I did have a possessive partner in the past (not calling op that) which drained my joy, self confidence so I may have a skewed view.

Also, this is only my perspective but that is what people come to RI for - a very good friend of mine has a gang of guys she was very close with since childhood. In the group there were three girls and about twelve guys. They all lived very close to each other. Despite everyone growing up, getting married, emigrating etc they have a really close bond and will amalgamate for occasions. Herself and the other two girls have some growing up experimenting history with the guys but there is zero chance of anything like that going on now. They are more like cousins tbh - a shared history. One of the guys got married to a woman who didn't allow him hang out with my friend or the other women without her and honestly I thought it was such a shame. If she had really looked at the dynamics of the group she could have made some new female friends herself.

LegacyUser

Katgurl,
You sound a lot like my girlfriend tbh.

You asked about flirting. Well no, but she is very much one of the lads and having craic + drink + late hours snd a history is a dangerous mix.
I dunno, I’d never in a million years ask my partner to go home. But any time we go out now it’ll probably play on my mind that I may be asked to go home if there’s a babysitter. I’d never ask that of anybody and was so surprised she asked it of me.

As for being off the radar, absolutely not. She’s very attractive and guy 2 (married guy) would try it on in a heartbeat. She says he’s so not her type yet she repeatedly went for him in years past. Not saying she would again. I hate feeling like this.

IAMAMORON

Katgurl wrote: »

What a ridiculous not to mention offensive post. How would you know if I'm on most blokes' spectrum? Have I said anything about whether I get propositioned or not? The point is they are not on mine so it doesn't matter, not because of the baby but because I love my partner and would never cheat or disrespect him behind his back.

ETA - whoops sorry just spotted the mod warning. I was so annoyed by that post I responded before finishing the thread. Back on topic

To be honest I never meant to cause you any offense?

I think we all know the truth and despite a moderator having to intervene in the discussion there is not really any reason to get cat on the matter. I don't think I said anything that everyone doesn't accept is true in the first place? It may be a bit blunt... and a tough read, but I live in the real world.

Either way my original thoughts were completely unfounded as it turns out that they already have a child together. So essentially my bad, but it does not take away from the truth of how men think, it is not an " assumption" either.

sbsquarepants

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Either way my original thoughts were completely unfounded as it turns out that they already have a child together. So essentially my bad, but it does not take away from the truth of how men think, it is not an " assumption" either.

I'm a man, i don't think that way!

ManOfMystery

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I'm a man, i don't think that way!

Nor do I.

I don't understand why IAMAMORON repeatedly insists that their own world view is how everyone else thinks, it's impossible for any one of us to know how everyone else thinks.

9db3xj7z41fs5u

Resentment can fester and eventually poison a relationship. I worry that by stipulating who your GF can be friends with, she may see this as an unfounded lack of trust, and limitation of her freedoms which may have a much greater adverse effect on the relationship in the long run

If the bottom line is that you don’t trust your GF, then that is not a good prognosis for your relationship, and you have to take a long and hard look at your relationship. However, it is worth noting that things are a bit tricky because of your baby, this needs to be factored also!

Tork

John, unless you do something about this, this will eat you up. You got a brief respite from this in 2020 because of Covid but when this is all over she will be back socialising. It is harder to just "dump her" because you have a child together (do I have that right) so you both need to work towards solving this. Would you consider going to couples counselling and talking this out in a safe space?

Katgurl

Anxiousjohn wrote: »

Katgurl,
You sound a lot like my girlfriend tbh.

You asked about flirting. Well no, but she is very much one of the lads and having craic + drink + late hours snd a history is a dangerous mix.
I dunno, I’d never in a million years ask my partner to go home. But any time we go out now it’ll probably play on my mind that I may be asked to go home if there’s a babysitter. I’d never ask that of anybody and was so surprised she asked it of me.

As for being off the radar, absolutely not. She’s very attractive and guy 2 (married guy) would try it on in a heartbeat. She says he’s so not her type yet she repeatedly went for him in years past. Not saying she would again. I hate feeling like this.

Well... If I sound like your girlfriend then you have nothing to worry about. She enjoys being with her old friends. Guy 2 sounds like an annoyance but she has no interest in him and would not cheat on you even if she did. You have described her as one of the lads with them. You do need to trust her or you will drive her away.

As for the suggesting you go home early - yes I agree with you here. It was rude to you and frankly pretty mean mainly because it reinforced the message that this was her group and you weren't a part of it. She should have been reinforcing to them that you two were the unit and been leaving together. She was staying out for the fun part while you are being dismissed. I can totally see why this bothers you. If you agree with my take I then think you should discuss that part with her. Not an excuse but I suspect she was quite drunk at this stage?

ETA: Do you think it might be Guy 2 personally who is getting under your skin? He sounds pretty despicable, a married one who would be in there like a shot. Is it perhaps (and tell me if I'm making a leap) you are disgusted that he ever got his hands on your partner? If so, perhaps you could try to change your perspective. She just used him for a bit of fun because he was, well, easy. She was out of his league and be knew it. You should feel sorry for him.

You both need to find a way to hear what the other one is saying. You have a child together. This is not a small thing. You need to have your feelings acknowledged but she needs to be trusted and not feel controlled.

You are telling her - it's disrespectful.
She is hearing - he doesn't trust me.

I will say that out of the happiest couples i know who have been together for decades, they each give each other a good bit of freedom but they never abuse it either.

Katgurl

IAMAMORON wrote: »

To be honest I never meant to cause you any offense?

I think we all know the truth and despite a moderator having to intervene in the discussion there is not really any reason to get cat on the matter. I don't think I said anything that everyone doesn't accept is true in the first place? It may be a bit blunt... and a tough read, but I live in the real world.

Either way my original thoughts were completely unfounded as it turns out that they already have a child together. So essentially my bad, but it does not take away from the truth of how men think, it is not an " assumption" either.

You don't know how all men think. The op has disagreed with you regarding the interest OP his OH generates. You are telling another poster they don't know anything about you but you are declaring your unfounded opinion about other men's perception of me as 'the truth'.

IAMAMORON

Katgurl wrote: »

You don't know how all men think. The op has disagreed with you regarding the interest OP his OH generates. You are telling another poster they don't know anything about you but you are declaring your unfounded opinion about other men's perception of me as 'the truth'.

Stay on topic please, this is not about you ... or me.

Katgurl

IAMAMORON wrote: »

Stay on topic please, this is not about you ... or me.

I'm on topic. You are declaring unfounded opinions as fact. Some examples -

The OH is not over guy 1.
The OH is not remaining friends with guy 2 for platonic reasons as he is good-looking.
The OH is attention seeking and dramatic.
The OP should dump her.
The OH is not of interest to these men now she has a child.


It is blatantly obvious to me that you are bitter and harbour resentment toward women in general which is clouding your view. But I am not personally invested in this story so I am trying to give a balanced perspective. Suggesting repeatedly that he dump the mother of his child because they disagree on something is not rational.

However OP is the one experiencing this personally so instead of him being able to detach and realise that you are a person carrying massive hang-ups of your own he might think "I've been blind to what's really going on here, it's totally obvious to everyone else." He has come on many times to correct you on points like her not being attention seeking, not being a cheat, not having any other friends yet you keep demanding he dump her.

IAMAMORON

Katgurl wrote: »

I'm on topic. You are declaring unfounded opinions as fact. Some examples -

The OH is not over guy 1.
The OH is not remaining friends with guy 2 for platonic reasons as he is good-looking.
The OH is attention seeking and dramatic.
The OP should dump her.
The OH is not of interest to these men now she has a child.


It is blatantly obvious to me that you are bitter and harbour resentment toward women in general which is clouding your view. But I am not personally invested in this story so I am trying to give a balanced perspective. Suggesting repeatedly that he dump the mother of his child because they disagree on something is not rational.

However OP is the one experiencing this personally so instead of him being able to detach and realise that you are a person carrying massive hang-ups of your own he might think "I've been blind to what's really going on here, it's totally obvious to everyone else." He has come on many times to correct you on points like her not being attention seeking, not being a cheat, not having any other friends yet you keep demanding he dump her.

There is a distinct waft of misandry going on here.

This thread is not about me?

Your tone is very spiteful?

Are you ok?

ztoical

Anxiousjohn wrote: »

I feel disrespected when I see her out having craic with people she’s been sexual with. What she sees as appropriate I see the opposite.

So if they were strange men she'd never met before that she was out having craic with you've be ok?

I honestly don't see her actions as disrespectful but equally its not my place to tell you how you should feel. it Just doesn't sound like you are suited to each other. Either she changes and avoids friends she's had for years and ends up resenting you over that and you break up or she continues to see her friends and jealousy eats you apart and you break up.

LegacyUser

ztoical wrote: »

So if they were strange men she'd never met before that she was out having craic with you've be ok?

Well she wouldn’t be out having craic with strangers. Who would be?