Breaking up over vaccination and other compatibility concerns?

Covieland

You can break it off now and be heart broken for a bit or wait till the honey moon period wears off and you despise her and break it off/divorce her, or worse sleepwalk through life with her

Lolle06

ThrowAwayAnon wrote: »

The "issues" fall in to the following areas:

- Vaccinations; She has a Child. I recently found out that the Child is not vaccinated and my girlfriend seems to have pretty strong views against them. I explained that I would be pro vaccinations. We both want more Children so I asked that if we had our own together that I'd want them vaccinated but I would be willing to figure it out with her, do research and compromise where possible. She responded with "We'd figure it out together when the time comes" yet in the next breath is saying "I am pretty strong on my feelings about vaccinations and I am not willing to compromise any more". My family have expressed concern over having her Child around some of my nieces and nephews. To be clear, they said they respect her views, as do I, and are totally ok with hanging out but just need to be more careful.

- Living arrangements; I moved in with her which meant me moving outside the city, about 2hrs away from where I lived and worked and away from my Family and Friends. Which is fine, I accepted this and figured I would give it a go to see how I liked it. She has a Child so not as easy for her to move, I totally get that. I explained to her that while I am ok with it at the moment, long term I would hope to find a place with her together, somewhere that suited us both. She pretty much shot me down immediately and told me that she is not willing to move from this area. I respect that her life is here and to be fair she gave valid reasons as to why (Family, Friends, Support) but it just sucked to hear her not wanting to find a mutual place we both like and to compromise a little, like I have already.

- Swimming; I know this might seem like a ridiculous issue but let me explain. I grew up swimming from a young age. I competed in competitions and won medals through my youth and college days. I am a certified life guard and swim instructor (in my spare time, not as a career), so naturally this is very important to me. I would hope to be able to teach our own kids in the future how to swim. Hang out at pools, on family vacations, water parks, that kind of thing. My girlfriend has expressed an extreme aversion to chlorine, she feels its very toxic and bad for you and that not under any circumstances would she allow her kids to go swimming (she actually used the words "her kids" not our kids (I am not just talking about her Child here, I mean our future kids also).

- General; Her family are around a lot. I don't have an issue with this generally but I sense boundary issues at play. They come and go as they please and while not an issue at the moment, it may be in to the future.

Opinions/Advice/Cold splash of water welcomed, thank you.

Does your GF ever have adverse reactions to vaccinations or chlorine herself? Or did her child have any?

I am not an anti-vaxxer myself, although that doesn’t mean I am not aware of the side effects of vaccines. But most of them generally more than balance out the alternative risks (the respective illnesses).
It was an anxious wait for me personally, until my newborns got the whooping cough vaccine for example - even though they were healthy babies and breastfed (therefore had an extra dose of protection).
My children all had their vaccinations to date, although I tend to be against the HPV vaccine for my daughter.
My DH doesn’t understand this though, b/c none of our children ever had adverse reactions to vaccinations. But again - I have to weigh out the pros and cons.
We still have a few years to decide this though and I promised my DH to look into it again. That’s compromising.

Like you, my DH’s family were swimming from an early age in an indoor pool. They trained every morning before school and loved it.
If I would have tried to tell him, that chlorine isn’t safe, he would have laughed in my face. Unless I had health issues myself from chlorine (I don’t), I wouldn’t have had any chance to convince him otherwise.
None of our children ever had health issues from chlorine and they all love their early Sunday morning indoor-pool visit with their dad. It’s their thing.

So, unless your GF had personal health issues with vaccinations and chlorine, to me she would be firmly in the tinfoil-hat brigade and this would be a red flag for me.

Also, does your GF rely on her family to help with childminding or other household support? If so, prepare for them being around even more frequently if you have another child.

Tbh, I don’t exactly see where she is in any way prepared to compromise in your relationship?

From your description you would have to follow her beliefs and compromise your own, to continue this relationship.
Therefore she is right!
Unless you share all of her beliefs in life, she will hold you back and make you miserable in the long run.

FitzElla

I would run OP, run very fast. I don't think there is any compromise on vaccinations - you either get them or you don't. I could never live with the idea of my future child not being vaccinated and potentially getting a fatal, but entirely preventable illness, all to keep the peace with my other half. Not to mention the risk you pose to other children. She is telling you loud and clear who she is, please listen and get out now.

sydthebeat

Your gf is brainwashed

LegacyUser

As I posted Anonymously it didn't notify me of responses, so only getting to read them all now.

I just wanted to thank everyone so far for their helpful insight. I am reading each one and will give a further update at a later point.

My girlfriend and I have had a serious talk and I essentially was about to walk away but now she's turning the tables and wants me to stay. Saying she's willing to consider the vaccinations now.

My head is a bit melted, but I will review each one of your posts in detail. Thanks again.

woodchuck

ThrowAwayAnon wrote: »

As I posted Anonymously it didn't notify me of responses, so only getting to read them all now.

I just wanted to thank everyone so far for their helpful insight. I am reading each one and will give a further update at a later point.

My girlfriend and I have had a serious talk and I essentially was about to walk away but now she's turning the tables and wants me to stay. Saying she's willing to consider the vaccinations now.

My head is a bit melted, but I will review each one of your posts in detail. Thanks again.

OP I'd be very careful about this. If you were about to walk away, she was probably willing to say whatever you needed to hear in order to get you to stay. Do you think she actually means it though? In my experience, people who hold such strong views don't change them that easily.

Princess Calla

woodchuck wrote: »

OP I'd be very careful about this. If you were about to walk away, she was probably willing to say whatever you needed to hear in order to get you to stay. Do you think she actually means it though? In my experience, people who hold such strong views don't change them that easily.

Totally second this.

She already has an unvaccinated child...... Ask yourself what the father is like and why that relationship failed etc.

She really is showing herself for who she is.

Personally those beliefs would not be for me.

coolbeans

ThrowAwayAnon wrote: »

As I posted Anonymously it didn't notify me of responses, so only getting to read them all now.

I just wanted to thank everyone so far for their helpful insight. I am reading each one and will give a further update at a later point.

My girlfriend and I have had a serious talk and I essentially was about to walk away but now she's turning the tables and wants me to stay. Saying she's willing to consider the vaccinations now.

My head is a bit melted, but I will review each one of your posts in detail. Thanks again.

Your potential future life partner doesn't believe in science OP.


I'm just gonna leave a few spaces to let that sink in.
That will not change and to be honest IMO there is no room for compromise on basic, evidenced based reality. It's about a lot more than vaccines. I'd prefer to be alone for the rest of my days rather than suffer a life of biting my tongue after she parrots the latest quackery on Facebook. How do you think you'll feel in a couple of years when the initial excitement of this new relationship has worn off.

strandroad

ThrowAwayAnon wrote: »

.
My girlfriend and I have had a serious talk and I essentially was about to walk away but now she's turning the tables and wants me to stay. Saying she's willing to consider the vaccinations now.

It's not about vaccinations though, or 5G, not really. It's about the way she thinks and the quality of what she is ready to believe in and in turn pass onto her children. Think long term OP.

Bandana boy

Being in love is great , and we can put up with a lot while in love ,love often is blind, but as you get older and take on more responsibilities and stresses this tests relationships based purely on love.
At this point you really need to be also friends and have respect for each other . I suspect that may not be the case here and it will be much harder to deal with the fallout of that relationship ending with far more entanglements than you have today.

coolbeans

Unless you're phone is really new and near top of the line it's not 5g. You could bring that up as a point to refute her assertion regarding the phone but going by your account of her reasoning I can't see that working out either.

Smee_Again

Ask her to vaccinate her child!

That way you can see if she is actually willing to change and her child gets vaccinated. Win win.

osarusan

OP she is telling you what you want to hear to keep you around.

The fact that she has never vaccinated her own child tells you her real position.

Tork

I know a couple of people who are a bit like this and from my anecdotal experience, they only get worse over time. They started off being a bit faddish about food, then got into alternative medicine and left the stratosphere. The brainwashed shyte they spout now is shocking and they're living in an alternate reality. OP, I get the impression you aren't going to end this relationship and that's fine. You're the one who's in it, not us. But if you think things will settle down from here, you're in for a bumpy ride. People like your girlfriend aren't going stop believing superstitious conspiracy theory claptrap they're seeing on YouTube or Facebook or wherever else this nonsense is propagated. Trying to reason with people like this is like playing handball against a haystack. You are facing into a future where you either have to buy into whatever the superstition du jour is or you become angry and resentful.

Neyite

She made it more than clear where her views lie. She was adamant that she would not compromise and you just had to like it or lump it.

Now you are on the verge of walking, she's saying what you need to hear, but it's a total turnaround on what she was resolute on a few days ago.

And that's all very well right now 8 months in but two years down the line when she's citing some facebook woo crap about vaccines and outright refusing to vaccinate a new baby you can do damn all about it.

But it's not even that. It was the other things too. No compromise on where to live, or other things in your life.

But I think it's all a bit premature. You are together 8 months. That's barely getting to know each other. Give yourself about 18 months before any financial /matrimonial commitment to see fully for yourself who she is - not what she says, who she shows you she is. Keep using contraception yourself even if she is on the pill or whatever. Accidents can happen, and especially when one is open to the idea of more children. Give yourself time to decide if this is for you or not.

unhappys10

Jeez OP, run, run quite fast.

rainbowtrout

ThrowAwayAnon wrote: »

My girlfriend and I have had a serious talk and I essentially was about to walk away but now she's turning the tables and wants me to stay. Saying she's willing to consider the vaccinations now.
.

For someone who is so anti vaccine it’s a remarkable turnaround from a few days ago when she had an ‘over my dead body’ attitude. I’d echo other posters. She realised you were going to walk away and said what she needed to say to get you to stay. And you didn’t finish your post with ‘but I left anyway’ so it worked for now.

What do you do some time down the road when she’s had your baby and then turns around and says ‘actually I’ve changed my mind again’

People with views that strong don’t change overnight on a whim. Look at your OP. She told you ye might have to break up because of compatibility issues. She didn’t actually think you’d follow through, she probably thought you’d just give in.

I’d be like the love child of road runner and speedy Gonzales at this stage ....

Tork

I'd be wary of the contraception issue too. Is it beyond the bounds of possibility that she'll decide she's poisoning herself with the pill and takes herself off it. Perhaps not telling you.... This is especially pertinent now that you've made noises about leaving.

LilacNails

ThrowAwayAnon wrote: »

As I posted Anonymously it didn't notify me of responses, so only getting to read them all now.

I just wanted to thank everyone so far for their helpful insight. I am reading each one and will give a further update at a later point.

My girlfriend and I have had a serious talk and I essentially was about to walk away but now she's turning the tables and wants me to stay. Saying she's willing to consider the vaccinations now.

My head is a bit melted, but I will review each one of your posts in detail. Thanks again.

Consider? And how long will that be put on the long finger?

I can really see her just going along with things, then changing her mind saying "I said I would consider it, not agree to it"..... Be careful.

Ciarrai76

I have a family member who has these types of views and I can't literally listen to it anymore. They don't like anyone to tell them otherwise and quite happy to put their child at risk by not vaccinating them. They won't change how they think for anyone, so I don't think your girlfriend will either. She sounds like she will decide how everything goes and if you have kids with her, then you probably won't get to make any decisions, she will dictate.

I personally can't comment on whether you moved in too soon with her, as I moved in with my now husband after 9 months, and we are together 15 years now!

But if after 8 months or so you are worried about these sort of issues, I would be seriously considering whether you are happy to stay with her as she isn't going to change her views. Only you can decide if you are happy with that. I know I wouldn't be.

LegacyUser

I don't for a second believe she will reconsider any of her views OP I'm sorry but people who hold such strong views don't want to compromise and don't want to have their views change. She's saying what she thinks you want to hear but do you want to wait until you actually have a child together to find out how willing she actually is to change? Her thinking is once there is a child in the picture you won't be able to leave so string you along until then. The vaccine thing is a deal breaker on its own but the swimming thing? Come on OP, your trying to hard to compromise and not judge etc but you've gone so far in one direction your not seeing the crazy

Tork

The people who hold these views are in a cult of sorts. They believe that because of this extra, non-mainstream research they've done, they've found the real truth. The people who vaccinate their kids, drink tap water that has fluoride in it, swim in chlorinated swimming pools, don't believe 5G caused Coronavirus etc. are the brainwashed sheep. I bet she uses the words "mainstream media" too, right? If you're of the mindset that science isn't to be believed and that Big Pharma has a lot to answer for, you're not going to be coming back to conventional thinking any time soon. All your girlfriend did here was push an open door. It's as plain as the nose on your face that you don't want to break up. So all she has to do is make some vague promises she can easily go back on. She is never going to vaccinate any children you ever have, she'll never allow them to go for a swim and will stop them from doing god knows what else. It's what people like her are like. If she was around 150 years ago she'd be talking nonsense about fairies and banshees.

Let's be honest, in six months time your GF could decide she's against electricity.

It's fairly rare to see such a one-sided thread. That in itself should tell you something.

Best of luck.

Rachiee

You are simply not compatible for living together and raising kids you both want different things, so why waste any more time trying to build a life together?
Do you have a massive fear of being alone? Because It sounds like you are flogging a dead horse. Even if you do love her , that's not enough of a reason to stay, there are other women you could fall in love with maybe one you'd even be compatible with, and can share dreams with, you'll never meet her if you stay with your current gf.
As an aside it was an absolutely ridiculous move to live together after such a short amount of time but at least now you know you aren't compatible.

qwerty13

I just cannot understand her attitude to Facebook Woo about vaccines / 5g / chlorine etc. And undoubtedly that wouldn’t be a finite list - I suspect that she’d hook into whatever the current conspiracy madness was, and take a set against that. So you’re probably not even dealing with a defined set of, well, completely OTT uninformed views - her views are very likely to be a moving target. I just could not have any respect for someone like that, and I couldn’t be with them.

I can however understand that her family are around all the time, as she probably really needed their support. So I get her reluctance to move area too. And of course there’d be many ramifications about her child, school, friends, how involved her ex is in the child’s life.

My view is that she said about splitting in order to give you a fright, and manipulate you into going along with her views. But now that you do seem to be questioning things, she’s open to discussion/compromise!!! Yeah, right! I’d say she was shocked that you didn’t fall into line, and is now just telling you what you want to hear. And when push comes to shove, she won’t budge a fraction of an inch.

I’m afraid I also think you moved in way too soon. Like only 3 months of your relationship was pre lockdown and socially distancing since then. So it’s what, towards the end of July when you started to meet again?

It’s like her real personality is only coming out now that you’ve moved in - did you not know any of this stuff before?? And you seem to have talked a lot about very (VERY) committed future plans, without really knowing her views. I’d be exceptionally careful about contraception. Don’t get yourself trapped into a situation where not only do you have little control/choices about your own life - but none about your future kids either.

kob29

She's clearly saying whatever it takes now to stop you walking away. So you need to be very wary.
If she has truly reconsidered her stances (which are obviously loo-laa) probe what research she saw that made her
rethink, will she be getting her existing child vaccinated in light of this change of mind? What has she found out about 5g
or chlorine that has changed her position....will she be joining you at the pool on Saturday morning- put the depth of it to
the test now.
Does she see you as a useful convenience? Cash cow? as oppose to a life partner and lover?

At the very least step away from things for a month or so and have a think and a bit of distance perspective. Give yourself
the time and space to see that being single is ok with you and better than being in an incompatible situation.
By the sound of your initial post you already know where it's all going though. It looks like a situation many of us would look
back at and say 'lucky escape there' in future times.

Magicmatilda

The thing that I keep coming back to is that she has moved someone in with her child after only 8 months. Now I am sure you are a lovely guy but surely a mother should be more discerning than that. Did you know each other for a long time before dating?

If you have a kid and it ends, will she have someone new living with her after 8 months, playing daddy!

I just can't believe she would play so fast and loose with her child's emotions. Its very cruel. I assume her child likes you and has gotten used to you and now you may end up leaving. Mind you she has played fast and loose with the child's health so I shouldn't be surprised.

I would also be wary of the offer to compromise. It only came when you threatened to walk.

Where is her child's father? is he around? what is your experience of him?

Pistachio19

Stop wasting your time and hers. This relationship is doomed to fail. She's not likely to change, she won't move, her family will always be around. Can you honestly see yourself being content in 5-10 years time in this relationship when it's already bugging you after only a few short months of being together?

Whatever her opinions are, it doesn't really matter.

What matters is, she will never see you as her parenting equal. It will always be "her" children, not "your" children.

Where is her 8 year old's father, and what role has he in making decisions for their child?

If its none, ask yourself (and her) why?

StinkyMunkey

Anti vaxxers are a true danger to society, their ilk would still deny vaccines work even if their child became infected with a disease that vaccines are there to prevent.

Africa has just eradicated polio through vaccinations -

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-53887947

Swimming is a fun activity and every child should know how to swim. Chlorine kills germs and prevents disease/illness. Every year around 120 people drown on Ireland -

https://watersafety.ie/statistics/

Regardless of the other crack pot theories and red flags, I'd be running for the hills and wouldn't look back.

Don't ignore what that voice in your head is telling you, you started this thread because you needed to hear what you already knew - your girlfriend isn't someone you should be having a child with.