Worried about going on a hen - overreacting?

pennydreadful

So I am chief bridesmaid and organising a hen for my friend. The logistics have had to change a lot over the last few months with Covid but we finally settled on booking a pretty large house on Saturday 22nd. There are 11 people going.
I have been apprehensive from the start but bride is adamant she has to have a hen and it has to be a night away so this felt like a somewhat reasonable compromise.

Most of the group are from Laois, Offaly and Kildare and restrictions will be lifted less than 24 hours before we are due to be in the house. I thought when the announcement was made today that she would want to cancel it but she wants it all to go ahead as planned. I feel very uncomfortable about it but don't feel I can say anything really. Am I overreacting?
I'll probably wait and see what the cases are like nearer the time and make a decision then on whether I'll go.

Loveinapril

You aren't over reacting. Some people feel comfortable in group situations right now and some don't. Do whatever you feel comfortable with. Mind your own health and the health of your loved ones, if that means not going, then do. The world does not revolve around this bride.

strandroad

You might find that the hen won't be well attended...

pennydreadful

strandroad wrote: »

You might find that the hen won't be well attended...

You'd be surprised, most seem happy enough to go along with it. Things might change depending on the cases over the coming week or so, we'll see.

pennydreadful

Loveinapril wrote: »

You aren't over reacting. Some people feel comfortable in group situations right now and some don't. Do whatever you feel comfortable with. Mind your own health and the health of your loved ones, if that means not going, then do. The world does not revolve around this bride.

Thanks, I think I actually know in the rational part of my brain that it is okay that I don't want to go but it is hard when faced with such resolute pressure

twirlagig

pennydreadful wrote: »

Thanks, I think I actually know in the rational part of my brain that it is okay that I don't want to go but it is hard when faced with such resolute pressure

How does the rest of the hen gang feel about this?

Edit: where is this going to happen anyway?

pennydreadful

twirlagig wrote: »

How does the rest of the hen gang feel about this?

Edit: where is this going to happen anyway?

To be honest they are okay with it. They acknowledge there is a risk but they are still going. I know everyone has to make decisions based on their own situations but it all seems unnecessarily high risk to me.

twirlagig

pennydreadful wrote: »

To be honest they are okay with it. Like they acknowledge there is a risk but they are still going. I know everyone has to make decisions based on their own situations but it all seems unnecessarily high risk to me, I am surrounded by vulnerable people so will have to stay away from them for two weeks after all for one hen party.
It's in a house in Westmeath

I’ve highlighted what you said that rings most true to me
I’m trying to avoid anything unnecessary atm now til some form of formality resumes... whenever that may be.
I’d be staying at home if it was me to be honest op but I understand how hard it would be to tell that to the bride.
Just a sh1t time all round for everyone and some very uncertain weeks ahead

KiKi III

I think if you were going to make an issue of this you should have raised it much sooner.

Do whatever you think is best, but don’t expect the bride to be happy about you bailing on a hen you organised when the others are happy to go.

stevek93

If it was me I wouldn’t be attending anything at the moment this virus is like russian roulette either you win or the virus wins. OP I’m sure the people attending the hen will understand your concerns if they don’t it they they can shag off to be honest, your life and your families life is more important than a hen.

pennydreadful

KiKi III wrote: »

I think if you were going to make an issue of this you should have raised it much sooner.

Do whatever you think is best, but don’t expect the bride to be happy about you bailing on a hen you organised when the others are happy to go.

I actually have raised it, at every point along the way. She is adamant it goes ahead so I have organised it so that the arrangements are in place for her and the group. She knows I'm concerned and that I may not go.

little bess

Maybe call or email the house you’ve booked, they might not want you to keep the booking if it’s against regulations?

pennydreadful

twirlagig wrote: »

I’ve highlighted what you said that rings most true to me
I’m trying to avoid anything unnecessary atm now til some form of formality resumes... whenever that may be.
I’d be staying at home if it was me to be honest op but I understand how hard it would be to tell that to the bride.
Just a sh1t time all round for everyone and some very uncertain weeks ahead

I appreciate that, thanks very much. You're right. Even if all signs point to it being safe, things are so delicately balanced right now that there is no way of knowing. Appreciate the advice

pennydreadful

stevek93 wrote: »

If it was me I wouldn’t be attending anything at the moment this virus is like russian roulette either you win or the virus wins. OP I’m sure the people attending the hen will understand your concerns if they don’t it they they can shag off to be honest, your life and your families life is more important than a hen.

Thanks, I totally agree. Even if everyone is healthy and fit, there is no way of knowing how covid will hit them. Just couldn't be worth the risk to all involved, I think we all have to be selfish in looking after ourselves right now.

pennydreadful

little bess wrote: »

Maybe call or email the house you’ve booked, they might not want you to keep the booking if it’s against regulations?

Yeah I actually thought that earlier and sent an email. The house is on a complex so we would be close enough to other guests, they may not want us! Waiting to hear what they say.

wirelessdude01

Thought I read somewhere it was until the morning of the 24th. So that would rule most of the attendees out if true. Either way you've done your part and organised it. No one but yourself really looks out for yourself so if in doubt don't go.

jam_mac_jam

Is the bride not concerned herself. You would think she would be trying to keep herself healthy with a wedding coming up.

This may also be extended. At the moment it's a certain amount of cases but if they find more then it could be a case you can't go.

I don't think you are overreacting and at the same time then health has to take priority.

stevek93

pennydreadful wrote: »

Thanks, I totally agree. Like even if everyone is healthy and fit, there is no way of knowing how covid will hit them. Just couldn't be worth the risk to all involved, I think we all have to be selfish in looking after ourselves right now.

I don’t think trying to keep yourself alive is being selfish.

Cash_Q

KiKi III wrote:

I think if you were going to make an issue of this you should have raised it much sooner.

In fairness to OP though cases were dwindling and now they've spiked to the extent that localised restrictions are in place in 3 counties that many of the guests are coming from. That changes things.

jam_mac_jam wrote:

This may also be extended. At the moment it's a certain amount of cases but if they find more then it could be a case you can't go.

Yes nothing to say that it's only a 2 week thing, by that point more counties could be in lockdown.

OP what about gently approaching the idea of a Plan B, in the event that restrictions arent lifted in 2 weeks time. Either rescheduling (probably done enough of that with this hen/wedding), or having a Zoom party instead. If the hen party does go ahead as planned you could always stay away and join via Zoom.

Personally I wouldnt put myself at risk especially having to isolate myself for 2 weeks after, I would explain this to her and if she doesn't understand then try not to take it personally, all her feelings will be compounded by the upheaval of the last few months and its effect on all her plans. If she holds a grudge against you for it, well then you'll have learned a valuable lesson about her.

Hannibal_Smith

KiKi III wrote: »

I think if you were going to make an issue of this you should have raised it much sooner.

Do whatever you think is best, but don’t expect the bride to be happy about you bailing on a hen you organised when the others are happy to go.

Laois Kildare and Offaly were put back into lockdown yesterday. The OP couldn't have seen that coming.

OP its not as if you're just cancelling on a whim. I'm a bit concerned about the numbers too to be honest and staying in a house with a group of people not from your household just wouldn't appeal to me at the moment.

If the bride can't understand that that really is her problem.

Caranica

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Thought I read somewhere it was until the morning of the 24th. So that would rule most of the attendees out if true. Either way you've done your part and organised it. No one but yourself really looks out for yourself so if in doubt don't go.

Yes, legislation says lockdown currently due to end at midnight on Sunday 23rd ie just before Monday. So none of those guests should be attending.

Tbh the bride is being ridiculous. I had no hen, didn't need one. She doesn't have to have one, and certainly not this one. OP she needs a reality check.

Fakediamond

And as for sharing beds with strangers during a pandemic, that is sheer recklessness, spike or no spike!

LegacyUser

Don't think the people of Westmeath will be too happy either!

I would be embarrassed to ask people to go to my hen but I understand its what the bride wants. Crazy decision though and I definitely wouldn't go if I was invited.

Tork

The lockdown in those counties could be extended - the authorities aren't guaranteeing it's just for two weeks.

pennydreadful

Caranica wrote: »

Yes, legislation says lockdown currently due to end at midnight on Sunday 23rd ie just before Monday. So none of those guests should be attending.

Tbh the bride is being ridiculous. I had no hen, didn't need one. She doesn't have to have one, and certainly not this one. OP she needs a reality check.

Is it the 23rd? I read midnight on on the 21st yesterday. Do you know where it says that? Would be great if that was the case, takes the situation out of my hands!
I agree, I don't see the logic behind it and don't understand why she wouldn't cancel it but she is dead set on having it.

pennydreadful

Fakediamond wrote: »

And as for sharing beds with strangers during a pandemic, that is sheer recklessness, spike or no spike!

Yep. Been saying this all along. If I do go, and it is unlikely, I will be in a sleeping bag!

Caranica

pennydreadful wrote: »

Is it the 23rd? I read midnight on on the 21st yesterday. Do you know where it says that? Would be great if that was the case, takes the situation out of my hands!
I agree, I don't see the logic behind it and don't understand why she wouldn't cancel it but she is dead set on having it.

Tweet from Minister for Health

https://twitter.com/DonnellyStephen/status/1291897534919647233?s=19

pennydreadful

Caranica wrote: »

Tweet from Minister for Health

https://twitter.com/DonnellyStephen/status/1291897534919647233?s=19

Thanks a million for this- might just save me!

Blush_01

pennydreadful wrote: »

Thanks a million for this- might just save me!

What an awful position to be put in.

Some people lose all sense of perspective when they're getting married, particularly when they've been forced to make changes they don't want to. There's social conditioning from such a young age and some people just embrace the authorised selfishness. Hopefully everyone will comply, and it doesn't impact on your friendship.

I would hate to be put in your position.

pennydreadful

Blush_01 wrote: »

What an awful position to be put in.

Some people lose all sense of perspective when they're getting married, particularly when they've been forced to make changes they don't want to. There's social conditioning from such a young age and some people just embrace the authorised selfishness. Hopefully everyone will comply, and it doesn't impact on your friendship.

I would hate to be put in your position.

It has been tough, I feel like I'm being seen as over-dramatic for not wanting to be in such close proximity to people for 24 hours but if there is even the slightest chance that one of them is asymptomatic and that I catch it and pass it on to people at home, it just isn't worth it. At least that date is more cut and dry.

Gruffalux

Do you know what? I would do nothing, say nothing and maybe even go the extra mile of thinking nothing. First of all external conditions may dictate it is not possible. Second of all, you not wanting to go is your own private affair and requires no justification. Say nothing though to avoid any intermediary crap. If it goes ahead come down with an (imaginary) bursting migraine or a bad case of the galloping trots a few hours in advance and say I'm so terribly sorry, simply cannot come, would have really really loved to, have super fun you guys, kiss kiss!

Tork

Residents of Kildare, Laois and Offaly face limits on their movement for at least two weeks as part of a series of new restrictions in these areas in a bid to control a sharp spike in Covid-19 cases.

This is from this morning's Irish Times. No guarantee that the lockdown will be lifted on the 23rd. They're not ruling out more local lockdowns. Given where Westmeath is, I wouldn't like to rule anything in or out.

pennydreadful

Gruffalox wrote: »

Do you know what? I would do nothing, say nothing and maybe even go the extra mile of thinking nothing. First of all external conditions may dictate it is not possible. Second of all, you not wanting to go is your own private affair and requires no justification. Say nothing though to avoid any intermediary crap. If it goes ahead come down with an (imaginary) bursting migraine or a bad case of the galloping trots a few hours in advance and say I'm so terribly sorry, simply cannot come, would have really really loved to, have super fun you guys, kiss kiss!

Haha. You might be on to something!

Cash_Q

Gruffalox wrote:

Do you know what? I would do nothing, say nothing and maybe even go the extra mile of thinking nothing. First of all external conditions may dictate it is not possible. Second of all, you not wanting to go is your own private affair and requires no justification. Say nothing though to avoid any intermediary crap. If it goes ahead come down with an (imaginary) bursting migraine or a bad case of the galloping trots a few hours in advance and say I'm so terribly sorry, simply cannot come, would have really really loved to, have super fun you guys, kiss kiss!

This is actually the best advice, we get so wound up thinking what to say to explain ourselves to others, she doesn't care about your health or that of your loved ones, so she's not worth the energy.

As for the trots - yes, that or say you've got Covid symptoms and awaiting advice from your GP! Noone can say that you shouldnt be self isolating then!

daheff

pennydreadful wrote: »

Haha. You might be on to something!

Or have Corona symptoms that mean you have to stay home to get a test and get the all clear...


In any case when is the wedding on? Surely there is more time to have a hen before the wedding when things clear up a bit??

bee06

pennydreadful wrote: »

It has been tough, I feel like I'm being seen as over-dramatic for not wanting to be in such close proximity to people for 24 hours but if there is even the slightest chance that one of them is asymptomatic and that I catch it and pass it on to people at home, it just isn't worth it. At least that date is more cut and dry.

You’re not being over dramatic. This is the reason cases are starting to spike again. People thinking they can just go back to normal life.

Fakediamond

I’m kind of with gruffalox. I have a celebratory thing to go to in the same timeframe, taking place in a church. Social distancing rules to apply. I really don’t want to go as I’m anxious about the virus and in a high risk category. I played the long game, didn’t turn down the invite, but did ask questions about the layout, length of service etc.

Well guess what? It’s in one of the lockdown counties! I’m still saying nothing, but waiting for the next move, which I assume will be a cancellation of the event. It could also take place on zoom very easily, which I’m happy to attend

Gruffalux

Fakediamond wrote: »

I’m kind of with gruffalox. I have a celebratory thing to go to in the same timeframe, taking place in a church. Social distancing rules to apply. I really don’t want to go as I’m anxious about the virus and in a high risk category. I played the long game, didn’t turn down the invite, but did ask questions about the layout, length of service etc.

Well guess what? It’s in one of the lockdown counties! I’m still saying nothing, but waiting for the next move, which I assume will be a cancellation of the event. It could also take place on zoom very easily, which I’m happy to attend

The approach is based on Wu Wei, a Taoist idea I find enormously useful. Do nothing and see what happens. Act naturally when the moment for acting actually arises - which in OP s case would likely be to follow her instinct of not going. Etc.
Doing nothing regularly, has saved me lifetimes of drama. Of course there are times when it means do something. Spontaneously.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wu_wei

sunshinew

I'd normally be a huge advocate of being honest but in this case, I'd follow the advice of being super enthusiastic about it and then suddenly being "sick" the day before. I was very honest with a friend of mine about why I couldn't go to her wedding, hoping she'd understand. Got her a present, apologised profusely but she never spoke to me again. In hindsight I should have just "got the flu" as she wouldn't have been able to bad mouth what an awful friend I was to everybody.

This choice might be taken out of your hands but honestly, some brides are incredibly unforgiving! Their wedding is like some test on how much you value them as a friend.

Febreeze

Hi OP.

Youre not overreacting at all. You have vaild reasons to worry.

Personally, I've had no problems telling my friends I don't feel comfortable going to certain places or doing certain things. Yes, they've had an issue and they've pulled faces. People want to pull reasons from their bum because they can't accept that you're not comfortable, especially during this time. It's understandable.

As you're the maid of honor and they would expect more from you, they should also understand you're also human and have concerns. If your reasons were the opposite and it was a case you weren't in the humour then they have a right to be annoyed but at this time, no. They have no right.

If the rest of the party wants to risk and expose themselves, that's up to them. There's a reason why 3 counties are now on lockdown (and I've a niggling feeling more will follow suit).

OP, express your concerns. Over WhatsApp as I would presume there's a group chat? Say that you're worried and have concerns about the night away and also if the complex is even willing to go ahead and also, if there's people around, the chances are still high. If they all still agree and ignore the fact they are being a little bit selfish then you protect yourself. Go the whole hog. Wear a mask. Sanitize yourself. Make sure you don't use anyone else's belongings. Keep with the 2m rule. You're doing your part. Let the rest of them be silly.

If you weren't maid of hornor I say, don't go. Let the bride have a moment about it. She'll get over it. As a maid of honour... Do what you feel you need to do but make it clear that you've done all you can to express your concerns and you will protect yourself at all times.

If I was the bride I wouldn't even be going ahead with it in the first place. Call me boring but it seems like this is something the bride wants to do so she can say she had a hen party rather than be realistic here and think about the current situation that's going on. A few drinks and food in her home later on in the year won't make a huge difference to making people feel they have to surround themselves in another county where they don't know who's been in contact with who. My friend in work cancelled all plans towards her hens and wedding and changed everything to 2022 just so she doesn't have to put anyone at risk or feel they HAVE to go places and think of reasons why they shouldn't. The bride needs to have a bit of a talk with herself but you personally, think about yourself and follow what you need to do.

lainey_d_123

I'd do as someone else suggested. Wait it out, and hopefully it'll get cancelled anyway without you having to do or say anything and look like the bad guy. If you're unlucky and it goes ahead, then pull out at the very last minute citing illness and say how terribly sad you are to miss it.

I honestly think anyone going ahead with a wedding or a hen right now is enormously selfish, and I think very little of them. Cousin of mine is insisting on having her wedding 2 weeks from now and my parents feel obliged to go. She's only about 25, hardly rushing to start a family before it's too late or any other nonsense, she could easily postpone it if she cared about anyone but herself. I hope it gets cancelled.

wirelessdude01

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I'd do as someone else suggested. Wait it out, and hopefully it'll get cancelled anyway without you having to do or say anything and look like the bad guy. If you're unlucky and it goes ahead, then pull out at the very last minute citing illness and say how terribly sad you are to miss it.

I honestly think anyone going ahead with a wedding or a hen right now is enormously selfish, and I think very little of them. Cousin of mine is insisting on having her wedding 2 weeks from now and my parents feel obliged to go. She's only about 25, hardly rushing to start a family before it's too late or any other nonsense, she could easily postpone it if she cared about anyone but herself. I hope it gets cancelled.

What county is the ceremony and/or reception taking place in?

freshpopcorn

I’d be honest where you stand about this and just say you don’t feel comfortable going. If they want to make a big deal out of it then that’s their baby.
I have seen a few issues with people fighting over Covid and they were generally caused by somebody who wasn’t honest about what they felt comfortable doing. They either didn’t show up at last minute or showed up and was grumpy.
So, I’d just be honest and say your not going.

lainey_d_123

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

What county is the ceremony and/or reception taking place in?

Not one of those now in lockdown, but it still seems like a terrible idea. Apparently she's having 100 guests. Who has a 100 guest wedding during a pandemic?!

wirelessdude01

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Not one of those now in lockdown, but it still seems like a terrible idea. Apparently she's having 100 guests. Who has a 100 guest wedding during a pandemic?!

Max indoors is meant to be 50 isn't it including hotel staff?

Febreeze

wirelessdude01 wrote: »

Max indoors is meant to be 50 isn't it including hotel staff?

I know someone who's family member decided to go ahead with their wedding. Hotel said 50 people including staff so the bride ended up telling 2 out of 3 of her children they couldn't go and landed them with a relative she also told couldn't go. She basically wittled her list down to herself, husband, 1 child, her mother and father, his father and one friend who was bridesmaid and one of his friend that was groomsman and the rest was catering staff and photographer. I felt embarrassed for her to be honest. She didn't get deposit back for lack of people as she decided to go ahead. Hotel informed bride that the usual reciption that goes on the next day after the wedding can be a meal and drinks and that was it. There was no party.

Honestly I wouldn't of bothered myself. Took my losses and moved on but no it seems that some brides just want that "I have to get married moment". Which is fine. But jesus have some common sense. From what I know majority of her family aren't impressed and her friends aren't expecting an apology from her either.

Fakediamond

I think I’d enjoy having the story to tell the grandchildren about the small and special wedding we had during a global pandemic, it would be so different to the mega weddings we’ve all become used to since we became a moneyed people.

I’m not understanding why people think it’s life as usual and we should do everything the same, when in reality our lives have changed dramatically and we may be living this “small” life for the next few years. We have to learn to adapt accordingly, which doesn’t mean no fun or joy, it might mean making occasions intimate and special, and making different kinds of memories. Who the hell really has 100+ friends anyway??

HildaOgdenx

No, OP, you are not overreacting.
From a purely pragmatic point of view, check the terms of the booking so that you don't end up out of pocket, as you mentioned you are the one organising it. Ensure that it is cancelled in good time.

I would have no hesitation in saying I wasn't comfortable with attending, even supposing that the restrictions for the three counties were not in place, and most people due to attend, are from those counties.
But they are, and most people will abide by them, thankfully.

I appreciate that you might not want to do that, but these are very strange times we are living in, and the reality is that lots of events have had to be cancelled/ postponed.

votecounts

Aren't places supposed to cancel bookings from people that are resident in LOK, sure I seen hotels refusing bookings from people coming from these places. I was supposed to be in westport tonight and they rang to cancel as I am technically resident in Laois

Pistachio19

You're not overreacting. I'd text the bride with a copy of that tweet showing the date of 23rd and say "well, looks like the decision to go ahead with the hen has been taken out of our hands. I'll let the others know that we won't be able to go ahead and I'll cancel the house booking".

Purple Mountain

Regardless of the hen friends being from those 3 counties, I'd still be sending my apologies.
The current rules state something along the lines of only 6 people together in a house, a mix of no more than 3 households so them being from those areas is an aside as it is.
I think in these absolute unprecedented times, to expect anyone to go anywhere unnecessary (parties, weddings, meet ups, whatever) is the epitome of selfish.
Back in the big freeze of 2010, a friend of mine had her 40th birthday in a restaurant ten miles from my house. This was in the depth of winter, at night, when temperatures got as low as Russia. The roads around here were like a skating rink and even in the day when I went out for essentials a few times I couldn't get up a local hill.
I refused point blank to go. I didn't apologise, just explained why I wasn't going in such dangerous conditions.
If you've decided you don't feel safe going, just say it straight out. Send her the details of the booking and ask her to delegate the rest of the organising to someone else.