Unsure as to whether I trust my GF or not

LegacyUser

So basically I have been going out with the girl of my dreams the past 6 months. We really bonded over lockdown and spend almost everyday together. I honestly believe she is the love of my life and she thinks so too. About a month ago, we were chilling watching a movie and she got a snap from someone, let’s call him James. She dismisses the notification in front of me and I ask who is that and she said it’s someone she met back home once and it’s probably something stupid. I think nothing of it until a week later and I’m over at hers and see that they have been snapping quite a bit. I ask a bit more about him and get a vague answer.

This isn’t exactly something I wanted to do, nor am I proud of, but one night when she was asleep I had a look on her phone. In previous messages between them, on Instagram and Snapchat, from just before we started going out they were quite flirty and explicit, possibly sending nudes etc. Now I ask did anything ever go on between the two of them and she denies it completely. I ask her to prove it to me by showing me any conversations and she starts crying saying I don’t trust her. I didn’t mention that I looked at her phone or anything. That hurt me the most because she was lying, for whatever reason. The following morning she told me she deleted him on snapchat. She still follows him on Instagram.

A couple of days ago, she goes into her Instagram messages to show me something and I notice the chat thread between them was deleted, making me think that she didn’t want me to find out that she was lying.

Now before any of this happened, an ex of mine Snapchatted me over lockdown asking how I was doing, nothing malicious or anything like that while I was with my GF and she asks who is she and I come out straight and say it. My now GF freaks and makes me delete her. I say yes just to make her happy and I assure her she is an ex and that’s the way it’s gonna stay.

Any advice? Should I call up the fact that I spotted the Instagram thread has disappeared and just say I casually spotted it before? I love her to bits but not really sure do I trust her as much as I’d like to!

Esse85

You have no business asking her to prove something didn't happen with another guy and the cheek of you to go snooping through her phone while she's asleep, that's regardless of what's going on with James.

If you can't trust her for what she's saying, then the relationship seems doomed.

MildThing84

It all seems very intense after just 6 months. Not sure what stage of life you are at but maybe try slow down?
I would not be snooping on a phone and surprised you could given the security people have on phones. Do you know her code or something? That in my mind would be a little weird after such a short space of time.

eviltwin

I think for her sake you should end it. She doesn’t have to explain her past to you and looking through her phone this early is quite extreme and worrying. Do you generally have trust issues?

Dave0301

Two things...

1) the trust in the relationship is already gone. You went through her phone and she appears to have been withholding things from you, or perhaps not upfront about things. Not that gives you a right to snoop.

2) she got upset and made you delete an ex off social media, ergo she doesn't trust you either.

To be honest, both of those things would make me want to break up with someone as I wouldn't want to be the person that does those kind of things, nor would I want them done to me.

utyh2ikcq9z76b

Dude have some self respect and move on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. At the start of the relationship we both promised eachother that we would be honest and truthful no matter what. I get what people are saying about me snooping but we mutually said after a few months that we would set each other’s face IDs on each other’s phone and we both said we were free to look on them because we both apparently had nothing to hide.

I snooped before I asked if she ever had anything with said James. Her telling me they never had anything was a complete lie.

I don’t generally have trust issues but for some reason I had a bad feeling about this guy. I’m not trying to be controlling or anything like that. I just feel upset and hurt that my trust has been broken.

Should I bring it up or should I try to look past it?

Idle Passerby

She flirted with a guy before you two got together. Nothing wrong there. She removed him when it made you jealous. An ex messaged you and it was enough to make her jealous.

There's a lot of jealousy and mistrust over very little. It would be too much drama for me.

Esse85

Helphelp12345 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. At the start of the relationship we both promised eachother that we would be honest and truthful no matter what. I get what people are saying about me snooping but we mutually said after a few months that we would set each other’s face IDs on each other’s phone and we both said we were free to look on them because we both apparently had nothing to hide.

I snooped before I asked if she ever had anything with said James. Her telling me they never had anything was a complete lie.

I don’t generally have trust issues but for some reason I had a bad feeling about this guy. I’m not trying to be controlling or anything like that. I just feel upset and hurt that my trust has been broken.

Should I bring it up or should I try to look past it?

I wouldn't recommend telling her you went through her phone, that will create more untrust in the relationship, you know it was wrong and not to do it again.

What age are the both of you?

LegacyUser

Esse85 wrote: »

I wouldn't recommend telling her you went through her phone, that will create more untrust in the relationship, you know it was wrong and not to do it again.

What age are the both of you?

We are both 22.

Pauliedragon

My opinion on these situations are if you feel you have snoop through a partners phone you obviously don't trust them and why be with someone you don't trust?

Esse85

Helphelp12345 wrote: »

We are both 22.

So ye are both still very young.

If you like her as much as you say you do, give her the benefit of the doubt, be observant but don't go through her phone.

See how that plays out, if the James thing disappears then great, if it remains an ongoing issue then you'll have to accept the relationship isn't all its cracked up to be and consider ending it because if 2 people in a relationship don't trust each other, it will end badly.

Hope it works out.

Sardonicat

The ex-girlfriend she asked you to delete from the phone, had you and she moved on to an established platonic relationship? In other words,is this ex-girlfriend now your friend? Or did she just contact you put if the blue?

Pawwed Rig

At 22 you need to relax a bit an enjoy the time together rather than everything being so intense. Drop the jealousy and the snooping. If you are still together in a few years you can look at progressing things a bit but before then you shouldn't be looking for or expecting long term commitment. just chill out bit and have fun

Neyite

If people are going to cheat, they will. You can't police their movements, their contacts and their phones. You either trust or you don't.


And you don't trust her.

That's why you went through her phone, and why you are now thinking that deleting the instagram messages means she was hiding something.
Sardionicat has an interesting question - what kind of messages did you have with your ex, and what kind of history do you have stored with her in your phone? Any chance you might be projecting a bit?

TheBoyConor

I will be plain and to the point here.

The openging lines of your post went on about how she is the love of your life and how ye spend practically every day together. I just had to roll my eyes and say to myself, here we go again, another hyper-intense relationship that is so intense it is about to blow itself to pieces.

we mutually said after a few months that we would set each other’s face IDs on each other’s phone and we both said we were free to look on them because we both apparently had nothing to hide

That sounds quite bonkers in my opinion. Way way too much of an intrusion on each other's business. Also indicative of insecurity, jealous tendencies and to me would be a flag for controlling, manipulative behaviour on both sides.

The reality here is that this relationship is going no-where. It is far too intense and from what you describe it is absolutely riddled with jealousy, lies, insecurity and sneaking and snooping around and each of you in a tug of war trying to outmaneuver each other.

And if she wants to text or meet or shift or ride this James guy, so what? Leave her off to do what she wants. her life is not for you to control or dictate who she is or isn't allowed to text or meet.

The writing is on the wall my friend. I would recommend just tearing off the plaster and finishing it rather than having a long, drawing out tortuous death by by a thousand cuts break up.

I know you say she's the love of your life and all, but come on, realistically she is just a current girlfriend of a few months and there will be others that will come and go over the coming years.

I think we all know that is the situation in reality.

You're only 22. You should be out having fun with friends and enjoying life, not getting mired in big serious fractious relationship dramas.

Idle Passerby

I have to agree with BoyConor above about agreeing to have access to each others phones. When your young and inexperienced this might seem a romantic gesture but in reality it just fans the flames of insecurity. Trust isn't about being able to police your partner, it's feeling secure enough that you don't mind them having privacy.

Potatoeman

Just say to her that she made you delete and block your ex so you want her to do the same to this guy and you saw the delete thread. People on here will say you need to trust your partner 100% but if you get a whiff of something odd you are right to be suspicious.

H8GHOTI

Helphelp12345 wrote: »

... She dismisses the notification in front of me and I ask who is that and she said it’s someone she met back home once and it’s probably something stupid. I think nothing of it until a week later and I’m over at hers and see that they have been snapping quite a bit...

If a friend snapped her would she usually open it in front of you?

You saw they were snapping quite a bit? You mean that week, 5 months into your relationship? When you checked her Instagram, were any of the messages recent or all before you started going out?

LegacyUser

H8GHOTI wrote: »

If a friend snapped her would she usually open it in front of you?

You saw they were snapping quite a bit? You mean that week, 5 months into your relationship? When you checked her Instagram, were any of the messages recent or all before you started going out?

Normally she would but we were watching a movie the first time he popped up in my presence so maybe she just wanted to focus on the movie but in my defence, I never actually saw her open a snapchat in front of me. They only seemed to have Snapchatted when I wasn’t there. That may just be a coincidence but it did seem kind of fishy to me. They seemed to have texted quite a bit before I came along but the most recent message I read was him asking her about her weight loss and to send a picture and she said that she couldn’t find one or whatever and he said that he bets she looks stunning and she said thanks buddy. That isn’t word for word now but something along those lines.

The only snapchat messages I saw from before I came along we’re mainly just from him as snapchat deletes messages unless you save them. The most distinctive one was asking for nudes because he hasn’t got one in a while, “I want to touch your body” and that he wanted to come over to Ireland.

Obviously I did not want to go through her phone but I was looking for reassurance that nothing did go on or was going on between them, which she did lie to me about.

Dani2020

Helphelp12345 wrote: »

Normally she would but we were watching a movie the first time he popped up in my presence so maybe she just wanted to focus on the movie but in my defence, I never actually saw her open a snapchat in front of me. They only seemed to have Snapchatted when I wasn’t there. That may just be a coincidence but it did seem kind of fishy to me. They seemed to have texted quite a bit before I came along but the most recent message I read was him asking her about her weight loss and to send a picture and she said that she couldn’t find one or whatever and he said that he bets she looks stunning and she said thanks buddy. That isn’t word for word now but something along those lines.

The only snapchat messages I saw from before I came along we’re mainly just from him as snapchat deletes messages unless you save them. The most distinctive one was asking for nudes because he hasn’t got one in a while, “I want to touch your body” and that he wanted to come over to Ireland.

Obviously I did not want to go through her phone but I was looking for reassurance that nothing did go on or was going on between them, which she did lie to me about.

But if anything did go on it's from before ye got together no?

TheBoyConor

OP, I think you're both on a hiding to nothing tbh. Break up.

And this James fella, looks like he isn't even in the damn country.

LegacyUser

Dani2020 wrote: »

But if anything did go on it's from before ye got together no?

Yes but it’s the fact that she lied to me by saying nothing ever happened and made me delete someone who I used to have a thing with and was on friendly terms with (maybe chat every couple of months). Kind of double standards there.

bitofabind

Yeah this is a dysfunctional, co-dependent mess of a situation OP. You're probably too young and inexperienced to see all the red flags here.

You're pretty toxic in a lot of your behaviours. Violating your gf's privacy like that, getting paranoid at the drop of a hat, giving each other unrestricted access to each other's devices, the dramatics of spending all day every day together and maddddly in love yet the constant little dramas between ye. These do not a healthy or happy relationship make and it's only a matter of time before it breaks down entirely.

What can you do to improve things? You could start by giving your gf some basic respect. Stop invading her privacy and accessing her phone as and when you like. and then using it against her. Stop trying to police who she talks to. Stop spending all day every day with her, give other areas of your life some attention like your friends and your hobbies and approach the relationship with a bit less intensity and desperation.

TheBoyConor

Absolutely 100% endorse what bitofabind says.

You are 22 years old. You should out playing GAA, out with friends, out enjoying life, messing around with different girls, going to partie......etc not spending every waking hour manacled to a partner in a big serious formal relationship, and a toxic one at that.

I cannot thing of anything more suffocating and horrible than being in a relationship where we'd be constantly in eachothers pockets. No way. That is alsmost certain to crash and burn.

Anyway, your behaviour in this is appalling and has all the hallmarks of very indicatinve of controlling manipulative tendencies. That is not a good look to have. It is a disgusting trait in a person. If she wants to text and shag other fellas, then that is her decision to make!! Her decision, not yours. You can accept it or walk away from it. Obviously, I suggest you walk away.

You need to take a step back and check yourself.

Dani2020

Helphelp12345 wrote: »

Yes but it’s the fact that she lied to me by saying nothing ever happened and made me delete someone who I used to have a thing with and was on friendly terms with (maybe chat every couple of months). Kind of double standards there.

To be honest you're not really entitled to an explanation, if she was with him it was before she met you. It was probably a casual fling if anything so she probably didn't feel the need to go into it, and when you asked if anything happened between them maybe by her reckoning nothing of significance had happened between them. I could see your point to an extent if something had went one while ye were together but it didn't. Also people naturally want to make the best impressions in the early stages of relationships, as the saying goes "You don't get the real me, I send my representative for the first 6 months", so maybe she just brushed it off because it wasn't a big deal to her and she didn't want you thinking anything negative about her. Either way I think you're making too big of a deal about it. Either move on or pack it in because it'll just chip away at the relationship otherwise.

Although I do get where you're coming from with the double standards bit

H8GHOTI

I think some of ye are being a bit harsh on this fella. His girlfriend is snapping another guy. A guy that she has sent nudes to in the past.

Now, I agree what she did in the past is her own business. But the fact is that there is still contact between them recently which I would think is inappropriate while in a relationship with someone else. I can see how that would cause suspicion.

Sardonicat

H8GHOTI wrote: »

I think some of ye are being a bit harsh on this fella. His girlfriend is snapping another guy. A guy that she has sent nudes to in the past.

Now, I agree what she did in the past is her own business. But the fact is that there is still contact between them recently which I would think is inappropriate while in a relationship with someone else. I can see how that would cause suspicion.

It's not inappropriate unless the nature of their ccombination is inappropriate now. It was out of order to snoop through her phone and she was out of order demanding he delete an ex who is now a friend. Totally over the top, jealous and controlling behaviour from both of them. This relationship is toxic, OP. Get out of it now.

LegacyUser

Having such trust issues in a 6 month relationship is fascinating. You're both young, you both have pasts that cannot be erased. If neither of you can accept that, then you don't have a good relationship. If you have no trust in each other, you have nothing.

TheBoyConor

I think the verdict is fairly clear on this OP.

This is a toxic relationship, full of insecurity and suspicioun and zero trust.
It is going nowhere.
Ye need to break up and move on asap.

jarvis

Don’t listen to people telling you the relationship is going nowhere. It’s a constant mantra on here.

In my opinion it’s natural enough in the early stages to be a little nervous. You’re obviously in live and probably can’t believe your luck so you fear something ruining it on you.
Have a chat with her. Explain it’s because you really don’t want to lose her to someone else and you feel a bit uneasy. Don’t go through her phone again.
If she’s serious about you she’ll respect your feelings and acknowledge them.

TheBoyConor

In other words if she is a doormat and appeases his demands.

I couldn't disagree more. I think the writing is on the wall and they need to pull the plug and start living their lives the way 22 year olds are supposed to.

H8GHOTI

Sardonicat wrote: »

It's not inappropriate unless the nature of their ccombination is inappropriate now...

Unless the nature of their communication is inappropriate now?

You think “James” has innocent intentions? He is not just some platonic friend. His most recent message he was asking for a pic. Told her she was stunning. Her reply was positive encouragement to keep the compliments coming.

Seriously, how many people would be fine if they were in this situation themselves? Watching a movie with your partner & snap arrives.

“Who’s that?”
“Ah never mind, just someone I swapped nudes with”

LegacyUser

H8GHOTI wrote: »

Unless the nature of their communication is inappropriate now?

You think “James” has innocent intentions? He is not just some platonic friend. His most recent message he was asking for a pic. Told her she was stunning. Her reply was positive encouragement to keep the compliments coming.

Seriously, how many people would be fine if they were in this situation themselves? Watching a movie with your partner & snap arrives.

“Who’s that?”
“Ah never mind, just someone I swapped nudes with”

I do think some people on this thread have been a bit harsh on me to be quite honest, particularly TheBoyConor.

This reply has probably been the best one.

TheBoyConor

I'm sorry for being harsh. I don't mean to be rude.

It's just I spent my entire twenties in a brutal, toxic horrible controlling relationship that caused me so much stress and changed my life and when I finally got out I went into a relatively normal but still controlling relationship. It has left me with no faith in relationships and a complete aversion to anything with even a hint of being more than a temporary fling. My views on relationships are skewed against them as to me they have been a relentless series of abuses.

Tork

If your view of relationships is so warped, maybe you shouldn't be advising other people against being in them.