Cheated on Multiple times

risteardb

Sorry Guys,

I have been in a relationship for over 16 years, and over the last year I have found out that my partner has cheated on me 5 times.

I am trying my hardest to get past it, but there always Is constant reminders. i.e Christmas, valentines, my birthday, My favourite place to visit ect.

I suppose things that I normally would look forward to in the year now seem to be tarnished by thoughts of this. I kinda feel like a doormat ant this stage but I have invested a lot into this relationship.

Should I walk away? Is there happiness post relationship?

Wanderer78

That's a very painful experience, I'm truly sorry, but maybe counselling would help, best of luck

davo2001

Are there any kids involved in your relationship?

risteardb

davo2001 wrote: »

Are there any kids involved in your relationship?

No kids thankfully.

Idle Passerby

Is there a specific reason you don't want to leave him? 5 sepparate instances of cheating suggests to me that he doesn't value your relationship as you do and lacks respect for you.

Ali Sancis

I too invested so much time in a relationship and was cheated on. My then boyfriend cheated with a so called friend.
If he is remorseful and both of you want to really make this work you can but it’s not going to be easy.
Myself and my boyfriend tried to get through this alone but had to invest in counselling

myshirt

Don't think about the past. Think about the future.

What has happened has happened. It's done. Try your best to move away from the fact you have given 16 years to this. As that is not the right way to assess if it should continue.

If this man has cheated on you 5 times, it says more about him than it does about you and I'm afraid you must consider moving on. You need to dig deep and find that courage and strength. I wish you well and I hope you have the support of your friends and your family.

If it's any help I know from my friends (I'm a man) that most cheating, be it on lads trips away or a night out, workplace etc, is that it's mostly just sex. There's no emotional connection. It's very possible your partner has the emotional connection and relationship with you, and that these ladies were flings.

There is still betrayal there, but be safe to know there's a low probability there was cuddling, spooning, or romantic walks involved.

Take care of yourself.

un5byh7sqpd2x0

I find it a shocking reflection on society that everyone has assumed that the partner that cheated is male. It may well be of course, but the OP’s name is risteard

Ali Sancis

If both of you really want this it can work.
Take it slowly to rebuild trust. Me and my boyfriend are now married and our little bundle is due soon.
It will be a long and sometimes painful but for us it has also been a period of rediscovery of each other and falling in love all over again.
Make time for you both, have dates and enjoy putting an effort into them which was something we both neglected. We discovered new ways to have fun together.
It has been hard but we are both happier than ever and we talk talk all the time.
Sometimes I will be doing random things and the thought just comes into my head but we always talk through it.
It has been over 3 years now and we married recently.

repulsebay321

You have invested a lot and this is an excruciatingly painful revelation.

But you need to prepare yourself to leave.

He doesn't value you in the way you value him. The trust is broken and you will become more paranoid and resentful as more time passes. You won't like who you become when you treat yourself badly, and that is what you are doing by staying in this relationship.

Don't stay with him because you fear being alone.

Don't stay with him because you think you won't love anyone else as much.

You need to invest in yourself now. Counselling, spa breaks, visits home to family, career advancement, education, starting that photography blog, seeing your GP and getting your health checkups or investing in a gym membership, attending cookery classes. Become a renaissance woman and you will walk away with your pride in tact. Use this as fuel to go after things you only wished for in the past! This is a new chapter. Best of luck to you.

myshirt

Jaelyn Howling Froth wrote: »

I find it a shocking reflection on society that everyone has assumed that the partner that cheated is male. It may well be of course, but the OP’s name is risteard

It's the ladies lounge. Most threads are started by ladies. You'll have to give some level of allowance for that rather than playing the gender card.

repulsebay321

Jaelyn Howling Froth wrote: »

I find it a shocking reflection on society that everyone has assumed that the partner that cheated is male. It may well be of course, but the OP’s name is risteard

1) This is posted in the ladies lounge.

2) Men in relationships cheat more than females in relationships.

Ali Sancis

Guys the fact this person is questioning about walking away suggests s/he wants to give this another chance.
I’ve seen what my now husband when through with his guilt and remorse and even though I was in pain myself that too was not easy to watch.
I was advised to walk away and I did temporarily but we are so happy now. If you believe this person can make you truly happy and you have invested so much time in each other and the other person is truly remorseful then you can get past this together but both of you have to want this.

Ali Sancis

Have you been in a similar situation?
You seem very negative. If this person is considering giving the relationship another attempt then they should be advised to keep his/her guard up but if I had listened to all the advice bestowed onto me I would not be with my husband now nor would we be having a baby on the way.
I’m a sign that relationships can recover from such heartache with time, patients and care and respect for one another.
If this relationship is what both parties want start to build a new & wonderful foundation from now

99nsr125

repulsebay321 wrote: »

1) This is posted in the ladies lounge.

2) Men in relationships cheat more than females in relationships.

No they don't, statistically it's equal

Airyfairy12

Ive been in a similar situation although thankfully we wearnt together as long as you and your partner and I found out what he was like early in the relationship. Personally I couldnt stay with him, I lost any respect for him and there was no getting that back. I tried to stay and make it work but I was mental, I was paranoid, anxious and overthinking all the time, anytime he went out with his friends or didnt come home straight after work, any new woman he befriended on facebook, I was no longer myself, I became preoccupied with him, I was a nightmare to live with, I couldnt even live with myself and the way I was feeling and behaving, I had to leave and I thank myself constantly for leaving, I gained more self respect the day I left him for good. The thoughts of potentially having spent another 4, 5 or 10 years with him, knowing how little he respected me, the best thing I ever did was leave him, the worst thing I ever did was not leave him sooner.

While saying that I have friends and relatives who stay with cheating partners and they seem to just get on with it, everyone is different and everyone has there own way of dealing with things, we all have our own line in the sand and no one here can tell you what to do.

Personally I would rather be single than with someone who had such little respect for me, themselves and the relationship.

ladystardust

I completely agree with allllll of the above.

Airyfairy12

Ali Sancis wrote: »

Guys the fact this person is questioning about walking away suggests s/he wants to give this another chance.
I’ve seen what my now husband when through with his guilt and remorse and even though I was in pain myself that too was not easy to watch.
I was advised to walk away and I did temporarily but we are so happy now. If you believe this person can make you truly happy and you have invested so much time in each other and the other person is truly remorseful then you can get past this together but both of you have to want this.

He did it 5 times, it wasnt a mistake, he knew exactly he was doing. If you feel guilty or remorseful about something, you would tend not to repeat the behaviour a further 4 times.

rainbowtrout

myshirt wrote: »

It's the ladies lounge. Most threads are started by ladies. You'll have to give some level of allowance for that rather than playing the gender card.

The OPs post history suggests as well as his username that it's a man.


OP, has your partner shown any remorse? Did they admit to cheating of their own accord, or was it something you found out by accident/had suspicions of? While you might feel you have put a lot of time into the relationship, it would appear that your partner is not taking it seriously if they have cheated on you five times. If this was a shorter relationship say 2-3 years, would you walk away under the same circumstances?

myshirt

rainbowtrout wrote: »

The OPs post history suggests as well as his username that it's a man.


OP, has your partner shown any remorse? Did they admit to cheating of their own accord, or was it something you found out by accident/had suspicions of? While you might feel you have put a lot of time into the relationship, it would appear that your partner is not taking it seriously if they have cheated on you five times. If this was a shorter relationship say 2-3 years, would you walk away under the same circumstances?

Op, if you ever felt alone in this world and that no one is thinking about you, pin this post and take comfort that someone somewhere out there (namely this person here) is 3 years deep into your boards.ie posting history.

rainbowtrout

myshirt wrote: »

Op, if you ever felt alone in this world and that no one is thinking about you, pin this post and take comfort that someone somewhere out there (namely this person here) is 3 years deep into your boards.ie posting history.

Do you feel better about yourself having posted that?

skallywag

myshirt wrote: »

Op, if you ever felt alone in this world and that no one is thinking about you, pin this post and take comfort that someone somewhere out there (namely this person here) is 3 years deep into your boards.ie posting history

The OP is clearly coming on here in quite a state of distress, and then gets a response like this? Do you really think, under the circumstances, that the OP gives a hoot about someone who might be looking through his posting history?

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

He did it 5 times, it wasnt a mistake, he knew exactly he was doing.

I can only echo these sentiments exactly. Five times? Come on.

Someone who behaves like that is an absolute grade-A-arsehole, be they man, woman or beast.

risteardb wrote: »

Is there happiness post relationship?

Yes! Absolutely yes.

Hoboo

Walk away, seriously. 5 times. And that's only the five you know about. I'd be running to the doctors too.

risteardb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/114058522#Comment_114058522

Not that it matters but i am male.

Still stihl waters 3

Nearly 2 years later lol, talk about a cliffhanger, what happened for a finish, are ye still together or did you give him/her the road

risteardb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/114183860#Comment_114183860

Thanks for thinking of me. To Answer your question - Not really - i suppose i was too ashamed to vocalise this publicly and needed to be able to ask for some sort of help / advice without having it broadcasted publicly. being truly honest, i am able to say i don't hold any ill will.

The biggest thing i lost was my vision of the future. that was the hardest.

Idle Passerby

Male/female gay/straight. They don't respect you and your letting them use you as a doormat. Hopefully you dumped them 2 years ago.

Quite the assumption all the same from posters lol assuming that the OP was a woman, even more so with a username of risteardb !

https://www.libraryireland.com/names/men/risteard-richard.php

Airyfairy12

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118961329#Comment_118961329

I think it was implied as this is the ladies lounge and most of the posts in this forum tend to be from women. Regardless the sentiments are the same. I just hope the OP did what was right for him and was able to find peace in his life with the decision he made. In my opinion his partner doesnt deserve him.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118958729#Comment_118958729

Did you stay or end things?