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My wife has dense, matted pubic hair

  • 10-07-2020 8:44pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 163 ✭✭


    Hi everyone. My wife has really let herself go since we got married and had several children. She doesn't make any effort on her appearance anymore and it has made me less attracted to her physically. She no longer performs maintenance on her lady parts, which is a big turn off for me. It also actually makes things like oral sex on her difficult due to how thick and unkempt the whole area is.

    How do I broach this topic with her?


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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 12,873 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    I only thing I can think of it to let her know you're going to do some tidying up yourself and leave the trimmer / razor out and hope she picks up on the hint.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭s1ippy


    It's a very sensitive topic. Fair play for asking for advice.

    What I would say is maybe after you've had sex, mention to her that you feel a bit irritated down there?

    Discussing it will obviously have to be done very gently and with due consideration for feelings so you know best yourself what the potential conversation will entail.

    Sounds like you have such consideration for your partner, hope it works out well.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Grey Fox wrote: »
    Hi everyone. My wife has really let herself go since we got married and had several children. She doesn't make any effort on her appearance anymore and it has made me less attracted to her physically. She no longer performs maintenance on her lady parts, which is a big turn off for me. It also actually makes things like oral sex on her difficult due to how thick and unkempt the whole area is.

    How do I broach this topic with her?

    Are you turned off because of her pubic hair or is it her appearance as a whole has changed?


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,895 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    s1ippy wrote: »
    It's a very sensitive topic. Fair play for asking for advice.

    What I would say is maybe after you've had sex, mention to her that you feel a bit irritated down there?

    Discussing it will obviously have to be done very gently and with due consideration for feelings so you know best yourself what the potential conversation will entail.

    Sounds like you have such consideration for your partner, hope it works out well.

    Yea this is a good idea.
    Maybe start a conversation after your next encounter and say something like (very tactical of course) you have a rash/irritation on your chin from her hair.
    You could broach it that way in a kind of light hearted way?
    Be prepared for her to ask you to groom yourself there too.

    To thine own self be true



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,172 ✭✭✭cannotlogin


    If she has stopped personal grooming down there, then it would appear to be that she's not overly keen on you being down there at all to be honest.

    Does she find you attractive anymore as it seems like she doesn't care if you fancy her or not?

    I'm sure some people won't appreciate the comment but if a partner of mine stopped grooming like that, I would assume it was to deliberately put me off as it definitely would for most people.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 9,978 ✭✭✭Caranica


    I'm a woman in my 40s who is a Hollywood waxer. I was actually depressed over growth during lockdown and so relieved to be back to myself last week when the salons reopened. To me if looks like depression but it could be something so simple as being overwhelmed by motherhood and demands on time. You really need to talk to her.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,311 ✭✭✭XsApollo


    Why can’t you just tell her you want her tidy up down there?
    She is your wife.
    Tell her you miss giving oral to a smooth .....
    make it sexual..


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    Going to go out on a limb here, as usual :) but how "dense" and how "matted"?
    Matted to be honest suggests unwashed. That is really, really not good.
    But how dense can pubic hair be? I am not sure if some people grow huge dense bushes but maybe? Pubes are kind of self limiting in their length and density but maybe some people have monster muffs...I don't know.
    I read a thread on boards a few years ago and I was truly amazed at the actual fierce repulsion young males feel about women's body hair. We have been happily riding each other since the morning after day zero and 99.9% of that time we have had loads of body hair. Then porn does a number on us and males (and females) are suddenly conditioned to feel like vomiting at the very sight of pubes. Weird.
    Being a child of the 70s I feel no shame about a neat bush of golden virginia springing in my knickers. But I realise it is not common. I said to my gynaecologist recently "Brace now, I do not shave" and she, a lady who has seen more than 10,000 fannies, said "Much better off not to, dear." It is more hygenic, a cushion for sex and she described the terrible rashes, ingrown hairs, raw pimples etc that she sees day in day out. So that's a thing. Who'd have thunk it!
    Anyway. Conditioner might help, softening creams if the hair is really wiry, you producing a little snippers and doing a nice trim that is pleasing to you while she relaxes watching a film, shared showers before sex, and you asking yourself if this is a conditioning in your mind about pussies?
    But if it is truly matted and gruesome then no one could fault you for abandoning the fanny. I can understand.


  • Registered Users Posts: 163 ✭✭Grey Fox


    Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply
    s1ippy wrote: »
    Sounds like you have such consideration for your partner, hope it works out well.
    Sarcasm?
    eviltwin wrote: »
    Are you turned off because of her pubic hair or is it her appearance as a whole has changed?
    Its other things too like considerable weight gain and generally making no effort on her appearance. I know it might sound selfish but its a turn off, thats just how I feel.
    Does she find you attractive anymore as it seems like she doesn't care if you fancy her or not?
    Interesting point. I hope thats not the case as I do care for her a lot.
    XsApollo wrote: »
    Why can’t you just tell her you want her tidy up down there?
    She is your wife.
    Tell her you miss giving oral to a smooth .....
    make it sexual..
    She's quite sensitive. If I was to bring it up at all it would have to be light-hearted. I've thought about making a joke about it but that would probably make things worse. I've said it directly to partners in the past and regretted it.
    Gruffalox wrote: »
    Going to go out on a limb here, as usual :) but how "dense" and how "matted"?
    Without wanting to go into too much detail there is a big beard of it from the front right to the butt crack. She always maintained that area in the past, I had no idea she was capable of such growth.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,788 ✭✭✭ztoical


    Grey Fox wrote: »
    Hi everyone. My wife has really let herself go since we got married and had several children. She doesn't make any effort on her appearance anymore and it has made me less attracted to her physically.

    So whats changed? I'm guessing its the kids. You say several children which is a massive impact on someones time and resources. Usually when you've got kids you put their needs ahead of your own. You only mention her pubic region, is that the only thing? I mean if she was someone who use to put on a full face of makeup and do her hair everyday I can't see her being able to keep that up after having a kid let alone several kids.
    Grey Fox wrote: »
    She no longer performs maintenance on her lady parts, which is a big turn off for me. It also actually makes things like oral sex on her difficult due to how thick and unkempt the whole area is.

    How much maintenance was she doing? Was it full on wax off or just kept more trim? It's actually very time consuming to manage especially if someone is naturally hairy. Its not just a case of whacking it off with a razors as you'll get burns, ingrown hairs and be itchy as all hell! Again as above if you've had several kids, you tend to focus on their needs ahead of your own.

    Grey Fox wrote: »
    How do I broach this topic with her?

    You can't talk to the woman you've had several children with? How is the child care divided up? If she's doing the bulk offer to take on some so she has time to for herself. Or maybe after having several kids she doesn't feel that area of her body is as attractive as it once was. You won't know if you don't ask. The key thing here is being open and honest. Don't drop hints, thats childish and won't work. If you want to do something as intimate as putting your mouth on someones private area then you should be able to talk to them about it.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Grey Fox wrote: »
    Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply

    Sarcasm?

    Its other things too like considerable weight gain and generally making no effort on her appearance. I know it might sound selfish but its a turn off, thats just how I feel.

    Interesting point. I hope thats not the case as I do care for her a lot.

    She's quite sensitive. If I was to bring it up at all it would have to be light-hearted. I've thought about making a joke about it but that would probably make things worse. I've said it directly to partners in the past and regretted it.

    Without wanting to go into too much detail there is a big beard of it from the front right to the butt crack. She always maintained that area in the past, I had no idea she was capable of such growth.


    It doesn’t sound selfish at all. You can’t help how you feel.

    How old are the kids? How many do you have and how busy would her day be?

    I appreciate your asking something very specific here but the issue isn’t really just about pubic hair is it? If she had a wax tomorrow the other stuff would still be there. That’s what you need to address.


  • Registered Users Posts: 290 ✭✭lozenges


    This thread is bizarre. Having pubic hair is normal. Some people might prefer to do more or less grooming down there but suggesting that this lady might be depressed because she's decided to stop waxing/shaving her nether regions is utterly ridiculous.

    Maybe she's more comfortable with her body than she was years ago, maybe she'd prefer have a less intense personal grooming routine now she has kids. Whatever.

    You don't sound very kind to your wife either OP. Having kids is tough, physically and mentally. I'm sure you haven't gotten any younger since you met her as well. Saying she's let herself go is pretty nasty in my opinion.

    Its not just this one thing, so rather than focusing on the hair alone I would suggest a date night, starting an exercise class together or something like that - making it about the two of you and something you can do together rather than implying 'you're the only one that needs to change'.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    Grey Fox wrote: »
    Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply
    Its other things too like considerable weight gain and generally making no effort on her appearance. I know it might sound selfish but its a turn off, thats just how I feel.

    Interesting point. I hope thats not the case as I do care for her a lot.

    She's quite sensitive. If I was to bring it up at all it would have to be light-hearted. I've thought about making a joke about it but that would probably make things worse. I've said it directly to partners in the past and regretted it.

    h.


    Sounds like you love her Grey Fox, so there is hope here.
    Her weight is going to be a long term project. Maybe go on a health trip yourself and encourage her to join. Get healthy easy to prep food. Etc. Maybe invest in an exercise bike or rowing machine etc that can be handy for her to use at home as I am sure she is busy. Take up hiking at the weekend. Slow and steady will win that marathon but with her knackered you might have to provide all the headwind for quite a while on that one.

    Re sex - abandon the oral before you give yourself a proper aversion. Manual and / or sextoy stimulation of herself. Maybe some nice bits of floaty lingerie to cover the floppy bits while you are sensitive to them and while she is shifting the weight. You can get some, you know. Look at the sizes on her blouses and bras to get an idea. But keep up the bedroom action because in the long run that is what will help her have the endorphins and motivation to get in a good mood and then in shape. Be her Mr Motivator! :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 229 ✭✭guitarhappy


    ztoical wrote: »


    If you want to do something as intimate as putting your mouth on someones private area then you should be able to talk to them about it.

    But don't do both simultaneously. You might sound muffled.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 1,625 ✭✭✭Millionaire only not


    Quote: Gruffalox
    Going to go out on a limb here, as usual :) but how "dense" and how "matted"?
    Without wanting to go into too much detail there is a big beard of it from the front right to the butt crack. She always maintained that area in the past, I had no idea she was capable of such growth.

    Some comment I don’t know wether to laugh or share it


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭s1ippy


    I wasn't being sarcastic at all! Sorry if I came off that way. It genuinely seems to me like you are really interested and caring.
    Gruffalox wrote: »
    Going to go out on a limb here, as usual :) but how "dense" and how "matted"?
    Matted to be honest suggests unwashed. That is really, really not good.
    But how dense can pubic hair be? I am not sure if some people grow huge dense bushes but maybe? Pubes are kind of self limiting in their length and density but maybe some people have monster muffs...I don't know.
    I read a thread on boards a few years ago and I was truly amazed at the actual fierce repulsion young males feel about women's body hair. We have been happily riding each other since the morning after day zero and 99.9% of that time we have had loads of body hair. Then porn does a number on us and males (and females) are suddenly conditioned to feel like vomiting at the very sight of pubes. Weird.
    Being a child of the 70s I feel no shame about a neat bush of golden virginia springing in my knickers. But I realise it is not common. I said to my gynaecologist recently "Brace now, I do not shave" and she, a lady who has seen more than 10,000 fannies, said "Much better off not to, dear." It is more hygenic, a cushion for sex and she described the terrible rashes, ingrown hairs, raw pimples etc that she sees day in day out. So that's a thing. Who'd have thunk it!
    Anyway. Conditioner might help, softening creams if the hair is really wiry, you producing a little snippers and doing a nice trim that is pleasing to you while she relaxes watching a film, shared showers before sex, and you asking yourself if this is a conditioning in your mind about pussies?
    But if it is truly matted and gruesome then no one could fault you for abandoning the fanny. I can understand.
    ***Note***
    Whatever about going full bush, a gynaecologist would most definitely not recommend putting conditioner anywhere near your pubic hair, you are pretty much guaranteed to get an imbalance down there if perfumed tincture is applied to the genital region. Also in the summertime having pubic hair is likely to actually cause more sweat and can end up being less hygienic than removing hair.

    Also if you are somebody who wants to tidy up downstairs, showering and applying a non-perfumed moisturising lotion before and after waxing or very carefully shaving is a good way to avoid spots or blemishes as the hot water will get the oils out of your pores. Whether spots are an issue will also depend very much on the overall condition of your skin, which should be reasonably smooth before removing hair... If there are one or more spots, wait for them to heal completely before hair removal. If you get into a good system of washing (with water only, no shower gels), moisturising and removing hair, your skin may actually be of a better quality than if you let your pubic hair grow longer.

    Obviously it's a personal preference if you shave or not. When people don't shave who previously have, it could indicate that they haven't had time or are up the walls with other things. Maybe she feels unattractive and just doesn't care about sex right now. Personally I get scareoused and want more sex during stressful times, but I know people who get so driven to distraction that they can't even get an erection if they're preoccupied. I would not agree whatsoever that the OP's partner is not attracted to him anymore based on her not removing hair. It's a pandemic, they have children, she could be stressed out, like virtually everyone is. More likely reason is that she hasn't had the time to look after herself. Anyone who asserts that without any further evidence is only trying to be hurtful and I would ignore them because they are probably jealous of your obviously loving relationship or just d!ckheads. There isn't enough background to suggest that from your story.

    Another suggestion for the OP could be treat her to a "day off" from any responsibilities, where you do your best to take on any stuff she does routinely and let her relax and look after herself that day... Maybe buy her a nice spa pack online. Is that a thing? I think that exists.

    It's considerate of you to have noticed that there's something going on, I've known many people to miss signs like this and damage their relationships due to unwanted advances being made. Ultimately, making each other feel sexy is kind of the point of a sexual relationship, so you might just need to help her find her sexual energies again.

    Best of luck with it :D


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,797 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Mod Note

    Guitarhappy posters are asked to reply to threads in PI/RI in a manner that offers constructive and mature advice to an OP. Please read the Charter before posting again.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Buy her a generous gift voucher for a beauty salon. Make it a regular thing.

    Make her feel like a girl again.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    Buy her a generous gift voucher for a beauty salon. Make it a regular thing.

    Make her feel like a girl again.

    I have never been inside a beauty salon. I feel completely like a girl.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Gruffalox wrote: »
    I have never been inside a beauty salon. I feel completely like a girl.


    The suggestion wasn't a personal attack on you.

    The op's wife might feel like a girl ..however her husband's feelings...


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    s1ippy wrote: »
    I wasn't being sarcastic at all! Sorry if I came off that way. It genuinely seems to me like you are really interested and caring.


    ***Note***
    Whatever about going full bush, a gynaecologist would most definitely not recommend putting conditioner anywhere near your pubic hair, you are pretty much guaranteed to get an imbalance down there if perfumed tincture is applied to the genital region. Also in the summertime having pubic hair is likely to actually cause more sweat and can end up being less hygienic than removing hair.

    Ok. The conditioner was more about what runs down in the shower from washing your hair. Am not talking about applying directly. But in terms of softeners a small drop of almond oil rubbed between the hands and lightly applied does condition. Not into the vulva obviously.
    And yes, winter or summer pubic hair is actually more hygienic than shaved in that it protects and cushions the vulva and vagina, collects pathogens, bacteria and particles that might otherwise go straight in, reduces UTIs, vaginitis, yeast infections and it also gives off pheromones. Studies show fewer STIs where pubic hair is left. Like every other part of the body it needs to be kept clean.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Gruffalox wrote: »
    Ok. The conditioner was more about what runs down in the shower from washing your hair. Am not talking about applying directly. But in terms of softeners a small drop of almond oil rubbed between the hands and lightly applied does condition. Not into the vulva obviously.
    And yes, winter or summer pubic hair is actually more hygienic than shaved in that it protects and cushions the vulva and vagina, collects pathogens, bacteria and particles that might otherwise go straight in, reduces UTIs, vaginitis, yeast infections and it also gives off pheromones. Studies show fewer STIs where pubic hair is left. Like every other part of the body it needs to be kept clean.


    Studies have also shown the opposite.

    https://www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/news/20190904/shaving-down-there-wont-raise-std-risks-study


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    The suggestion wasn't a personal attack on you.

    The op's wife might feel like a girl ..however her husband's feelings...

    My point really is that a bush is perfectly normal and is completely girly and one does not need to be sent to the salon in response to having one.
    I think the issue is not the pubic hair but rather an overall perception that the partner is less physically attractive than they used to be. Some of that can be remedied eg weight, some cannot as it is merciless Father Time, and some is a matter of preference. She might like her muff!


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    Gruffalox wrote: »
    I think the issue is not the pubic hair but rather an overall perception that the partner is less physically attractive than they used to be.


    Thus i recommended voucher for a beauty salon or the hairdressers etc ...clothes whatever

    My point really is that a bush is perfectly normal and is completely girly

    Its not for me. But we are all different. :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Gruffalux


    Obviously it is personal choice. But the notion it is more hygienic and more civilised in some way is just not true.

    Article from https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/aug/07/pubic-hair-has-job-stop-shaving

    "It is a sadly misconceived war. Long ago, surgeons figured out that shaving a body part prior to surgery actually increased, rather than decreased, surgical site infections. No matter what expensive and complex weapons are used – razor blades, electric shavers, tweezers, waxing, depilatories, electrolysis – hair, like crab grass, always grows back and eventually wins. In the meantime, the skin suffers the effects of the scorched battlefield.

    Pubic hair removal naturally irritates and inflames the hair follicles left behind, leaving microscopic open wounds. Rather than suffering a comparison to a bristle brush, frequent hair removal is necessary to stay smooth, causing regular irritation of the shaved or waxed area. When that irritation is combined with the warm moist environment of the genitals, it becomes a happy culture medium for some of the nastiest of bacterial pathogens, namely Group A Streptococcus, Staphylococcus aureus and its recently mutated cousin methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA). There is an increase in staph boils and abscesses, necessitating incisions to drain the infection, resulting in scarring that can be significant. It is not at all unusual to find pustules and other hair-follicle inflammation papules on shaved genitals.
    Additionally, I've seen cellulitis (soft-tissue bacterial infection without abscess) of the scrotum, labia and penis as a result of spread of bacteria from shaving or from sexual contact with strep or staph bacteria from a partner's skin. Some clinicians are finding that freshly shaved pubic areas and genitals are also more vulnerable to herpes infections due to the microscopic wounds being exposed to viruses carried by mouth or genitals. It follows that there may be vulnerability to spread of other STIs as well.

    Pubic hair does have a purpose, providing a cushion against friction that can cause skin abrasion and injury, protection from bacteria and other unwanted pathogens, and is the visible result of long-awaited adolescent hormones, certainly nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

    It is time to declare an end to the war on pubic hair, and allow it to stay right where it belongs. We owe it to our patients to encourage them to let it be."


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 2,980 ✭✭✭s1ippy


    That article is well and good but I'm pretty sure people can choose to do what they want with their own vaginas.



    Having hair isn't necessarily the best choice for everyone, because plainly it takes as much maintenance to ensure that pubic hair is kept clean and won't "collect bacteria" (to the extent that you end up with an infection) as it does to keep your skin in good condition, wax or shave and keep your vaginal area hygienic.

    People are going to choose whether or not it suits them to shave or wax because thankfully, there's no obligation on anyone to do it or not. While it's good do research into the health aspect of it, you'll find supporting arguments for and against accordingly as the commercial entities that benefit from bush maintenance/razor and waxing companies see fit. My partner and I maintain our pubic areas regularly because we prefer not to have hair chafing or ending up in our mouths and around the house, as well as for the hygiene reasons I detailed above.

    If it gets neglected for a while, it's not a big deal but we may be less inclined to have sex (not a conscious decision) depending on the weather (too hot/humid) and other factors like our own self-confidence. The latter is something that can be worked on and overcome; we prop each other up and flirt with each other all the time, pubes don't bother me in the slightest when the maintenance falls by the wayside for a while and they know I feel this way, I know it doesn't really bother them too much either when I'm caught for time and don't get around to it for a while. I'd have enthusiastic and enjoyable sex with them even if they were covered in wasps.

    That gives me an idea actually.


  • Administrators Posts: 13,413 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Can posters please stick to offering advice to the OP. The general discussion on the merits, or not, of pubic hair is not what is being asked here.

    Thanks.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    OP you have to talk to her. Nothing is going to happen until you do. You have bigger issues here than pubic hair if she’s let herself go overall. You need to find out why that is and what, if anything, can be done. No one here can tell you what’s going on with your wife. She could be exhausted and worn out or maybe her priorities have changed now that she a bit older and she might not see groomed pubes as crucial to her wellbeing.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,194 ✭✭✭Tork


    You're going to have to talk to her nicely. Tell her you're concerned about her weight gain and see where it goes from there. The lack of maintenance downstairs is probably an extension of her other appearance issues. Few women who gain weight feel sexy and there are probably reasons why she is now in the condition she's in. Is she run off her feet with parenting the kids? Is there anything you can do to help? Reducing this down to just a neglected ladygarden isn't going to help.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    "Let's treat ourselves to a night away in a hotel and leave the kids with [whoever]. I used to love it when you shaved/ waxed and put on some sexy underwear. How about I buy you some new lingerie and we can make a night of it?"


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