Seriously upset over what my boyfriend did when he was 18

Scattered99

Deleted

I'm very confused. Your boyfriend felt ashamed of what exactly?

Having a sexual encounter when single?

Having an encounter with a girl he suspected was slow?

Is he very religious as in waiting for marriage? Are his family?

It might just be my upbringing and outlook but neither of my parents wish to hear about my sexual antics and I have no desire or shame that compels me too tell them. I am an adult, married with kids so they obviously know i have had sex at least twice. They will never know the details.

Ann84

I don’t want to react badly to this post or assume that this is some sick joke as there are so many views/ judgements being expressed that really grate with me... so instead I have a number of questions that may help me provide some constructive advice...

Why are you discussing your boyfriends pre-relationship sex life in such great detail?
How many other people had he had interaction with and do you analyse these other encounters in as much detail?
How many previous partners/ encounters had you and do you discuss them in such detail with your boyfriend?
Why does he feel guilty over getting a blowjob - is it because he only engaged with her because he knew she had slept with other people or does he feel like he took advantage of her in some way?
Why did he tell his mom he got a blowjob?!
Why does this random girls intelligence come into this?
Do you know this girl and have some genuine concern for her wellbeing?
Why is everyone (you, your boyfriend, your boyfriends mom) discussing her sex life, education, career, mental health and life choices in such detail?
Why are ye judging her for the above?
Why are you social media stalking this person two years later?
What has any of this got to do with you and or your current relationship?

jimbobaloobob

What do you want posters here to do or are you just venting?
He was with someone before you knew him, told you, then his mother profiles her. You go and stalk her to make your own assessment and think she's 'normal'. Get out the dictionary of what's normal and gawk in a mirror after.

Sardonicat

What an insulting attitude both if you have towards this young woman! 'Easy' because, just like your boyfriend, she wanted a no strings sexual encounter? 'Slow' because she did the LCA? Sounds to me like she knew what she was after and how to get it without any hangups and didn't giving a fiddlers what anyone thought. Go her!

There's plenty of evidence of lack of intelligence on display here, but it's not from this girl. Both you and your boyfriend need a serious attitude adjustment and stop judging people on their perceived sexual morals and their level of academic attainment.

I d be thinking long and hard about getting into bed with a man who gives his mother a platform for voicing her opinion on his sex life, if I were you.

Ann84

That didn’t really help me understand your role in this so in summary, that’s his guilt to work through, if he is religious he could make some spiritual amends because he can’t undo it or turn back time...
Still not really sure what it’s got to do with you or why you are so invested in it, he unloaded this on you for some reason but it’s not really any of your business to get into that much detail.
It happened before you, it’s about him - not her so leave her out of it. If you don’t like him for what he did then you will loose respect for him and there is no point being in a relationship with someone you don’t respect however, getting a blowjob at 18 doesn’t sound that unusual and it doesn’t sound like he coerced or forced this person so I don’t think he’s a creep.
Many many many people have casual relationships with people they don’t particularly fancy which I’m sure your aware of so I wouldn’t be so judgemental - it’s a pretty normal part of life!

Scattered99

Scattered99 wrote: »

He feels like that is a terrible thing to do to someone, especially someone that might be of lower intelligence and have depression

It would be. Despicable.

He won’t be the first guy to get a lunchtime BJ or ride from a coworker. On some level, he knew at the time that he was taking some advantage of her, especially if he knew she had a reputation and he was feeling ‘desperate’. She might have her issues but she may well consciously and deliberately act like the village bike at times. But he still decided to stick his dick in her mouth instead of going off for a discrete ****.

I’d also be a bit concerned in your situation that your man-child boyfriend thinks he should discuss his casual sexual encounters with his mother. What sort of an oddball is he?

Scattered99

Scattered99 wrote: »

I’m just scared this encounter makes him a bad person. I’ve never had reason to believe he was outside of this. He seems hugely guilty over it because he only did it cos she was into him and had a reputation for doing things. It appears it was totally consensual but I’m still disgusted

Yeah. “He only did it cos she...had a reputation for doing things” is a pretty scummy way for a fella to act. Then he tells his mammy. And now you. Because he felt bad.

Sounds like a great fella alright. I wouldn’t want anything to do with a guy who thinks any of that is a good decision or respectful in any way to any of the 3 women involved.

wirelessdude01

Jesus, both of you need to get over yourselves. Horrible attitude towards this lady. As for his mother, she sounds like a right weapon.

Scattered99

Scattered99 wrote: »

Well he had planned to do something in return but they ran out of time and I guess the guilt made him not want to meet up again to return the favour. He felt bad about that part of it too, but not as bad as the desperation and the horrible way he viewed her as easy

Thanks for the explanation but I have to raise an eyebrow. He got what he wanted, was he really planning to return the favor?

Anyway, he did something a bit ****ty. He's not perfect. What a shock. That shouldn't concern you. His sexual history, outside of crimes will not effect you as you get older and accept that people have history.

The single biggest issue here is telling his mammy. So many flags over this

Scattered99

Scattered99 wrote: »

Sarcasm I guess? Does he sound like a **** head because of this thing he clearly regrets so much that he told him mom and future girlfriend?

You decide what you think. I’ve been pretty clear in my disdain for your fellas actions. He may not be a bad person but those are 3 bad decisions impacting on 3 separate women and each one of them intended to make himself feel better at whatever cost or burden be placed on each of the women.

That’s a guy who needs a good verbal and mental root up the backside from a father, uncle, brother or friend - a better man than he was/is who could explain the difference to him. The religion hasn’t done much for him anyway so he would benefit from having someone else to show him Right and Wrong.

LilacNails

Scattered99 wrote: »

I’m genuinely legit. I don’t know how to prove I’m not a troll. I’m just really scared. If it wasn’t for the fact she might be “slow” I wouldn’t give a damn. We had sex a month after meeting, I’m not a religious nut

What are u scared about?

Sardonicat

Scattered99 wrote: »

Sarcasm I guess? Does he sound like a **** head because of this thing he clearly regrets so much that he told him mom and future girlfriend?

Someone who desctibes a woman he was happy to be intimate with as 'easy' for doing the very same thing he was would fall under the hrading 'd1ckhead' in my dictionary..

Look, it could be she was vulnerable and desperate for some approval and affection so slept around to get that, if your boyfriend took advantage of this then yeah, he should feel guilty. But the fact that he's continuing to refer to her as easy and slow (as are you) would show that he hasn't actually learned anything from his behaviour.

You are stalking her on Facebook but she's creeping you out for liking your pics ? Maybe she thinks you are a nice person. Maybe she's happy to see her old work mate that she once had a bit of casual fun with hooked up with you. Maybe she's the only one out of the lot if you with a healthy, honest attitude to sex and has happily moved on with her life. You should try that.

notsoyoungwan

Scattered99 wrote: »

he had no luck with girls and saw her as easy because she had done stuff with others and she seemed into him.

Scattered99 wrote: »

He only got with her because he knew she was easy and he was desperate

Truly, a prince among men.

Find a man who understands that women have sexual desires and sex drives too and who doesn’t judge them for that.

And while you’re at it, look at your own attitude towards this woman too. You’re not exactly covering yourself in glory here either.

Idle Passerby

Are you not more concerned that at 18, legally an adult, your boyfriend ran to tell his mother about his sex life? That's bizarre in the extreme. I'd assume that he's now telling her intimate details of your relationship. Are you comfortable with that?

It seems the only reason anyone thinks this girl is slow is because his mother suggested it. A mother who feels entitled to comment on her adult child's sex life isn't someone whose opinion I'd have much faith in.

You boyfriend sounds incredibly odd. Your reaction to the whole thing is strange too.

Sardonicat

Back on point, the lad behaved badly by knowingly 'using' this woman based on his assumption she was easy. Whether she felt used or not, none of us know. I can imagine she would be less than impressed at being classed as 'easy' and 'slow', not just by him but his mother (!) and his now girlfriend who is obsessed with an encounter that in no way concerns her and is stalking the girl online.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Just closing this for a minute so I can go through everything before anything further is posted.

Thanks

HS

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Personal Issues and Relationship Issues are heavily moderated forums with clear rules on what type of posting is expected here. To be clear, posters are asked when replying to a thread to do so in a manner which offers mature, civil and constructive advice to an OP. If you cannot do this, we ask that you refrain from posting in a thread. In particular, calling someone out as a troll in thread is considered off topic posting and not welcome here.

I have deleted a number of off topic posts and would ask every one to familiarise themselves with the Forum Charter before posting in the thread again.

Thread re-opened.

Scattered99

Scattered99 wrote: »

I’m genuinely legit. I don’t know how to prove I’m not a troll. I’m just really scared. If it wasn’t for the fact she might be “slow” I wouldn’t give a damn. We had sex a month after meeting, I’m not a religious nut

Slow or 'special needs'?

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, I think your issue is that your boyfriend let a girl he had no feelings for give him a blow job, and she might be classed as a "vulnerable" adult based purely on the fact that she did the LCA? And your worried that 2 years later this makes him a "bad man".

I wouldn't say she's exactly shy going by your description f her having friends, and active social life and regular sexual encounters with different fellas.

It might come as a surprise to you, but she might also have given a blow job to a fella she had no feelings for (your fella!). For one night stands or brief sexual encounters people tend not to have the time to build up "feelings". They want sex/a sexual encounter. They find someone else who wants sex/a sexual encounter and then they go off and do it. Feelings tend not to come into it.

She's probably not pining after your bf. She's probably been with a few others since him, and he's a distant memory. If he doesn't like her or want her "liking" photos of him he can always delete/block her on Facebook. Then she won't "like" anything he's tagged in.

By the way, I'm going to hope naivety and innocence led to your bf telling his mother he got a lunch time blow job from her. I would hope he has since matured a bit and doesn't share details of your sex life with her. Although if they are indeed "very religious" that he felt the need to confess this, I don't know how he can justify sex with you?

Anyway, 2 years later you all need to move on. She has.

bitofabind

There is so. so much wrong with every single one of your posts OP and it has nothing to do with this poor girl from your boyfriend's distant past that you're completely obsessing over. It has everything to do with your attitude, mindset and complete lack of empathy and maturity.

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this is an age thing (though 20s sounds old to be warped by this kind of immaturity) and perhaps your own upbringing. But being frank, you really do not sound like a nice person. That's the kindest way I can put it.

I would urge you to reflect on the following extremely problematic ways of thinking and behaving:

1. You have a sense of entitlement and expectation that what your boyfriend did in his sex life before he met you is something you should know about and pass judgement on. It has nothing to do with you. None of your business, even if some weird Catholic guilt is forcing him to bring it up. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

2. You have no right whatsoever to describe another fellow woman as "easy". Other posters have addressed this very well and you've made a comment about not wanting to slut shame, and proceeded to talk about this woman's "reputation". Sex is a normal, healthy, natural thing and how someone chooses to approach their own sex life is entirely up to them. You're no better than this woman for deciding not to give bjs to guys you barely know. You're just making different choices. You talk about "shifting more than 20 guys" as if you're about 14 years old so I'm assuming this is a part of your brain that hasn't fully evolved to enlightenment when it comes to sexual relationships. But until it does - sex is normal and natural. We all do it. You do it with your boyfriend. She does it with whoever the f she wants. What is NOT normal is focusing so intensely on the sex lives of other people.

3. Your boyfriend is telling his mother about the details of his sex life out of some weird uber-conservative over-zealous religious shame. Obviously his mother is disturbed by this and passing comment on the girl in question. Instead of questioning this frankly bizarre and troubling turn of events - you are taking his mother at her word that this girl has some sort of intellectual disability and questioning your boyfriend's integrity. Do you not see how f-ed up that is? Why are you not calling your boyfriend on sharing this type of information? Is he telling her about your bedroom escapades too? How would you feel about that?

4. Don't describe any other human as "slow". And throw "easy" in there too. Don't ever, again, utter either one of those words about another human. And call it into question if you hear someone else using these words. These are the kinds of things that truly awful people say.

5. You don't get to complain about a behaviour in another person when you yourself are guilty of that behaviour. That makes you a hypocrite. What this girl gets up to on social media is her own prerogative. You are actively stalking her profiles, so are in no position to start questioning what she's up to.

6. Your boyfriend might need therapy for his sense of deep shame and discomfort around sex and women.

notsoyoungwan

Scattered99 wrote: »

Who are we to judge a young woman we barely know like that anyway?

Indeed

SusieBlue

There is so much wrong with this situation that I don’t even know where to start, so all I’ll say is please leave this girl alone.
Please stop scrutinising her life choices, stop slut shaming her, stop making assumptions about her intelligence, and her alleged reputation, as if you are superior to her.
You aren’t, and she doesn’t deserve this.
What she does as a consenting adult is absolutely none of your business.
What she did with your boyfriend before you met him is none of your business.
Block her if you need to, because if you are this tone deaf & ignorant when talking about her online, I can only imagine what way you treat her in person.

I strongly suggest you stop reflecting and analysing your boyfriends historic sexual encounters and put some effort into not being so judgmental and obsessive.
There is nothing to deal with or get to the bottom of here, except for your own prejudices against a girl who has done nothing wrong, to you or to anyone.

Your boyfriend also needs to address over sharing about his sex life with his mother, the fact that the three of you even discuss these things together is baffling.

Forget about her and work on your own issues. Because your own issues are what’s causing the problem here, not this poor girl.

eviltwin

It was two years ago and people do selfish things when they are young. Hopefully he has matured and has more consideration for people now in which case move on from it. We all make mistakes.

If he still has the attitude that she's "easy" and "slow" I'd be rethinking his suitability as a partner. And I'd stay well away from his mother, snobby wagon.

SusieBlue

Scattered99 wrote: »

No he said he just thought it a bit at the time and feels terrible for it now. He has realsied his former slut shaming was wrong, especially when this girl was so nice to him, like how dare anyone think that when she did him a big favor like that? He called his friend out on it only a few weeks ago when he called a girl we know a slut for sleeping with 3 guys at the same time, as when he did the same everyone thought it was cool and my boyfriend called him a hypocrite. He has learned

Well then he has clearly learned his lesson and has seen the error of his ways. We are all guilty of being ignorant and uninformed at one point or another, what’s important is learning from it and being a better person.

If this is the case I genuinely don’t see what the issue is, other than the fact that ye are both still obsessing over this years later and discussing his historic sexual encounters with his mother.
He has repented, he knows better now, what do you hope to achieve by analysing this over and over?

This is a very different picture of events to what you described in your OP, btw.

afkasurfjunkie

If he has learned, why post here?

Idle Passerby

Did your boyfriend hoodwink this girl into thinking they were going to have a relationship? If not and it was a casual hookup, I don't see what the issue is. Two consenting adults and all that. His behaviour was immature and unkind but not totally unheard of for an 18 year old guy.

It's very odd that 2 years later this is something he'd even bring up with a new girlfriend. But then, someone who confesses blowjobs to their mum and allows her to denigrate the girls he's involved with sounds like an odd person full stop.

Airyfairy12

Id suggest you keep away from this guy as there are so many red flags. Firstly he tells his mother about his sexual encounters, how strange? Any normal person would be mortified if their mother knew something like that.
Secondly, two years later he is carrying this guilt and shame over a sexual encounter.. he clearly has issues around sex that he should be speaking to a professional about.
Thirdly, himself and his mother have shared awful things about the poor girl who he had this encounter with and have spread a rumour about her that she is slow and easy. The mother has her own issues and clearly has had a very bad influence on her son.

As you get older and meet different friends and partners you'll start to realise that their sex lives, regardless of how big or small, don't matter at all.
You will also learn (hopefully) not to judge other people on hearsay or their sexual encounters. What two consenting adults do is none of your business.

Big Bag of Chips

What do YOU think?
It's largely irrelevant what anyone else thinks, because, as you are finding out other people's encounters or relationships are nobody else's business. So what I think of your boyfriend is irrelevant. What YOU think is what matters.

So what do you think?
Do you think judging him for being a horny 18 year old is reasonable? Do you think it's worth ending your relationship over? You have gone in to an awful lot of detail here over something that you found out about 2 years ago.

My advice is, if after 2 years this is still an issue in your relationship then it will always be an issue in your relationship. So probably best for everyone involved (especially the woman in question who hasn't been involved for 2 years!) if you split up now and move on.

osarusan

He either regrets what he did and thinks it was wrong, in which case he has learned from his mistakes.

Or he still thinks it was fine really, to lead somebody on and get oral sex out of them.

If you think it's the former, then there is no issue. If you think it's the latter, there's a red flag.

Get him to stop revealing his sex life to his mother and new GF and things will be better. Unhealthy attitudes to sex abound in this thread.

cannotlogin

There's so much wrong here it's hard to know where to start.

You honestly appear to be too immature to be in any relationship.
On a positive note, so too does your boyfriend, so perhaps you are a good match.

I cannot get my head around any man discussing his sex life with his mother, especially in such detail. It's beyond disturbing, would you be comfortable walking into the family kitchen to hear him & his mother talking about your technique in bed because you can't rule that out given what you know?

This has to be a wind up surely? If it isn't, it's very disturbing.