Early 30's - gotten myself into a rut

Segundo Volanante

Hi guys,

Appreciate you taking the time to read.

Long story short, I've been feeling really down lately. I'll rephrase that - not so much down, just rather lonely.

This really only started to hit home the past month or so. I have a great job, pays well, and I moved into a fantastic apartment by myself in a really great location. I get to work from home, am, essentially my own boss, and have complete autonomy. I'm near all the major bars/music venues/places to be and I should really have no excuses. It's when 5pm hits though and all through the weekend that I'm more often than not completely by myself with nothing to do and the nights and weekends drag.

I haven't got a massive social circle (I was in a relationship for 6 years and would have grown apart from my 'friends') - nowadays I'd see a couple of them every 2 months or so to watch a game or the other group every couple of months for a concert or something like that, but they've all got wives/fiances/girlfriends/kids.

I keep myself fit and healthy, and in shape, I like to think I look good, and I've tried the whole online dating thing but it seems rather vacuous. I dunno, maybe subconsciously I never truly got over my ex, or maybe I feel I'm not a kid in my 20's and need to find someone. I can't put my finger on it, but I'm sick of being by myself all the time. At least when I had my daily commute to the office I had some semblance of interaction with people but now, everything is draining at home.

I know there's people far worse off than me and I shouldn't complain but it really gets me down sometimes.

Can anyone relate to this or has anyone any advice?

Thanks in advance

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

Yea. Same here. Live alone, full time job, I’ve only realised in the past 3 months that I’ve absolutely nothing in common with my mates apart from the boozer.

JeffKenna

My only advise would be not to be so hard on yourself. The last few months were very tough with everything shutdown so it's easy to get stuck in a rut. Give it a few months and see how you're feeling then when things are open again.

brinty

Won't say I know what you're going through. I'm 10 plus years married and happy. But i understand the feeling of being in a rut and it's completely normal and being hammered home in this current lock down environment. So don't feel there's anything wrong with you there's not. It's totally ok.

If nothing else I think the whole period has made people reevaluate things. So try and do that with your life. What do you want from it? Where would you like to be in 5/10 years etc in terms of work and personal life. Set yourself little goals. Once things open up again try and get involved in some clubs or groups that interest you (sport, culture etc whatever you're into) and hopefully you'll meet people there with similar interests to you and who knows maybe you'll meet a girl that way and you've a base to start from. Rather than meeting a random girl online or on a night out you might have nothing in common with you'll meet someone you've a shared interest with and can develop things from there.

Hope that's helped and if you ever need to talk don't be afraid to drop a message to people.

Segundo Volanante

Thanks guys, the kind words bring hope and are appreciated.

When you say join clubs/groups, where do I go about this? I suppose it's endemic of my interests growing up all revolved around sport or music, so the pub and live music venue culture was always big for me, and now I want to break the monotony of that but don't know how to?

I can relate. However, my answer was to move to Asia. A fresh start.

I still have a relatively small circle of actual friends. Tried having more but it's too much actual work to maintain.

I'd suggest re-evaluating the things you do that you believe give you pleasure. What is it about the activity that's fun.. and then search for other activities that have a similar feeling. Once you've done that, you'll meet people with similar interests, and that provides a basis for forming friendships.

Silentcorner

You seem to be doing an awful lot right to be fair to you....keeping fit and healthy is so important especially when you live alone, you can handle anything when you mind yourself, you aren't in a rut, you are just readjusting to a new reality, which happens a lot to people in their 30s...I don't know what exercise you do but make sure you are getting the most out of the time you put into it, mix it up, aerobic and anaerobic.

You don't need loads of friends, just find a few that make you laugh or who you find interesting, avoid people who drain you a bit...

Regarding your relationship, it is in the past, it didn't pan out...just work on letting it go and be proud of yourself that you allowed someone get so close to you that you still feel for her somewhat.

Try music events you can go to without the pub/gig venue culture, there are normally a load of options no matter where you live if you look in the right places.

You are doing very well for a young man and have a good head on your shoulders, this is an adjustment phase, nothing more...and it has been triggered because you work from home alone...perfectly natural.

Good luck and never underestimate how resilient you are!!!

NSAman

having been in your position but in a worse position career wise and financially, a smart friend told me everything in life is temporary. If you want it to work it will.

It has for me and without me looking for it.

Everyone comes into their own at sometime in life. I am a firm believer in that. People also come into your life who can make massive changes for the better also, even without you knowing.

Just be open, accept what life throws at you and put yourself out there. Give it a few years and you will be amazed at the difference.

Silentcorner

NSAman wrote: »

having been in your position but in a worse position career wise and financially, a smart friend told me everything in life is temporary. If you want it to work it will.

It has for me and without me looking for it.

Everyone comes into their own at sometime in life. I am a firm believer in that. People also come into your life who can make massive changes for the better also, even without you knowing.

Just be open, accept what life throws at you and put yourself out there. Give it a few years and you will be amazed at the difference.

Very well said, it's a marathon not a sprint!!

And as you get older you also get way more relaxed about life, I find...once you overcome that hump which hits everyone at some stage in our 20's/30's.

Try to do something about it now..

It only gets harder..

Deleted User

Deleted User wrote: »

Try to do something about it now..

It only gets harder..

Not just that, but we appreciate life differently depending on our age, and in many ways, it's actually easier to form real connections with people when you're younger. I've found that men become a little more careful who they hang out with when they reach the mid/late 30s onwards

Esse85

Are you comparing yourself to others?

Friends or lads you know of similar age and comparing where you are in life versus them?

Segundo Volanante

Thanks for all the kind and positive words guys

Esse85 wrote: »

Are you comparing yourself to others?

Friends or lads you know of similar age and comparing where you are in life versus them?

Not at all. Many of my friends are in relationships they are deeply unhappen in or have their own struggles be it work/finances/family or whatever else, so I'm not taking anything for granted.

I'm probably over-egging the pudding I guess, but I'm just lonely

Segundo Volanante

Segundo Volanante wrote: »

I'm probably over-egging the pudding I guess, but I'm just lonely

Take a break and get some perspective. Take a month off and go travelling once the travel bans are gone. It's easy to feel boxed in when you're only looking at your life from one angle.

I'd recommend some culture shock experiences, a bit of playing around and seeing some amazing sights abroad. It tends to help you view your life differently when you consider returning to it.

You're single. Enjoy it a bit. I'd highly recommend Asia. (If you're in China later, you're welcome to PM me. I'll be returning there whenever the ban is lifted)

CageWager

I can definitely relate to this OP, early 30’s can be a difficult time if you haven’t chosen to go down the marriage and babies route. I started to diverge from most of my friends when I set up a business in my mid 20’s and I poured everything into that instead of going out partying every week. I realised how almost 100% of my social circle was built around drinking and when I stepped back from that it was obvious that quite a few relationships were very superficial.

People also have a lot of family commitments in their early 30’s and with the best will in the world it can be difficult to meet up. Most of my best friends have kids now and when we do all get to meet up it is generally a massive drinking session and it feels like they have been released from prison for the day.

As for the cure, I’d also recommend travel. I now spend half the year in Ireland and half the year in Asia with a bit of random tourist and business travel thrown in. I always found that going to places where the culture is totally different gave me the necessary perspective to get out of any rut I found myself in.

Segundo Volanante

Deleted User wrote: »

Take a break and get some perspective. Take a month off and go travelling once the travel bans are gone. It's easy to feel boxed in when you're only looking at your life from one angle.

I'd recommend some culture shock experiences, a bit of playing around and seeing some amazing sights abroad. It tends to help you view your life differently when you consider returning to it.

You're single. Enjoy it a bit. I'd highly recommend Asia. (If you're in China later, you're welcome to PM me. I'll be returning there whenever the ban is lifted)

I'd probably have to travel by myself but I hear it's just as enjoyable and liberating as being with a group of people?

Segundo Volanante

CageWager wrote: »

I can definitely relate to this OP, early 30’s can be a difficult time if you haven’t chosen to go down the marriage and babies route. I started to diverge from most of my friends when I set up a business in my mid 20’s and I poured everything into that instead of going out partying every week. I realised how almost 100% of my social circle was built around drinking and when I stepped back from that it was obvious that quite a few relationships were very superficial.

People also have a lot of family commitments in their early 30’s and with the best will in the world it can be difficult to meet up. Most of my best friends have kids now and when we do all get to meet up it is generally a massive drinking session and it feels like they have been released from prison for the day.

As for the cure, I’d also recommend travel. I now spend half the year in Ireland and half the year in Asia with a bit of random tourist and business travel thrown in. I always found that going to places where the culture is totally different gave me the necessary perspective to get out of any rut I found myself in.

Thanks for that :-)

The general consensus seems to be travelling, so, to any great degree?

PhilOssophy

Segundo Volanante wrote: »

Thanks guys, the kind words bring hope and are appreciated.

When you say join clubs/groups, where do I go about this? I suppose it's endemic of my interests growing up all revolved around sport or music, so the pub and live music venue culture was always big for me, and now I want to break the monotony of that but don't know how to?

Can relate to what you are saying OP. Been there.

Travelled by myself around the world, was great. Made some passing friends on the way, some of which I still in touch with on Facebook.

But, in the meantime, have you tried Meetup.com? Its a website for meeting all sorts of groups and interests. I don't know what your interests are but you could join something like a hill climbing group, it'd be a pretty relaxed way of meeting a few friends and you have hours to get to know them, then presumably they have some lunch and maybe a drink or two after it. There are loads of groups on there which cater for every sort of interest.

Good luck, let us know how it all goes.

(Also would concur not to be too hard on yourself, the last few months have been a struggle for everybody, even those of us who are happy in our skin and with our lot in life).

farmerval

I imagine that what the OP is describing is getting more common, we are in an age where people nearly automatically throw up barriers to normal social contact, people wear earphones etc. when not talking to someone they know.
I'm a lot older than the other respondents to the OP and my suggestion would be old fashioned also.
Look at clubs in your downtime where social interaction is welcomed. Try drama groups, outdoor fitness boot camps, fitness groups where interaction is normal, some of the judo/ tai kwon do, adventure racing, triathalons, or even boxing.
As a society we are losing the ability to speak to each other. The narrative of a stranger talking to someone is some kind of wierd doesn't help.
Loneliness is rampant in modern society, I see it all the time in a small town rural setting, casual social contact is dying.
Another thing OP, go talk to a therapist, get it all off your chest. You'd never know what you may discover.

Segundo Volanante

Segundo Volanante wrote: »

I'd probably have to travel by myself but I hear it's just as enjoyable and liberating as being with a group of people?

Dunno. TBH I have very few experiences of travelling with a group of people (my friends were all in relationships or I was free when they weren't).

I enjoy the freedom of being by myself abroad, because it's relatively easy to pick up people along the way. Stay at some hostels and you'll quickly find a posse to explore a city or tourist area.

Notoldorwise

Segundo Volanante wrote: »

Thanks guys, the kind words bring hope and are appreciated.

When you say join clubs/groups, where do I go about this? I suppose it's endemic of my interests growing up all revolved around sport or music, so the pub and live music venue culture was always big for me, and now I want to break the monotony of that but don't know how to?

Another option is to maybe look at night classes. All the collages hold them and there is a huge cross section of subjects. You'll find yourself in like minded company and will pick up a qualification or two as a bonus

horse7

Try the meet up app, there's a coffee meet up and more, if you're working on your own, you will feel isolated to a degree.

Cyrus

This is why I can’t understand people getting excited about large scale wfh social interaction is very important and work is often a good social outlet as well.

What about doing something social that’s also adding to your skill sets like toastmasters? Or a running club or something like that ?

I feel for you , I’ve never really been in that position but I know I’d be the same not really into spending lots of time alone.

Kylta

Segundo Volanante wrote: »

Hi guys,

Appreciate you taking the time to read.

Long story short, I've been feeling really down lately. I'll rephrase that - not so much down, just rather lonely.

This really only started to hit home the past month or so. I have a great job, pays well, and I moved into a fantastic apartment by myself in a really great location. I get to work from home, am, essentially my own boss, and have complete autonomy. I'm near all the major bars/music venues/places to be and I should really have no excuses. It's when 5pm hits though and all through the weekend that I'm more often than not completely by myself with nothing to do and the nights and weekends drag.

I haven't got a massive social circle (I was in a relationship for 6 years and would have grown apart from my 'friends') - nowadays I'd see a couple of them every 2 months or so to watch a game or the other group every couple of months for a concert or something like that, but they've all got wives/fiances/girlfriends/kids.

I keep myself fit and healthy, and in shape, I like to think I look good, and I've tried the whole online dating thing but it seems rather vacuous. I dunno, maybe subconsciously I never truly got over my ex, or maybe I feel I'm not a kid in my 20's and need to find someone. I can't put my finger on it, but I'm sick of being by myself all the time. At least when I had my daily commute to the office I had some semblance of interaction with people but now, everything is draining at home.

I know there's people far worse off than me and I shouldn't complain but it really gets me down sometimes.

Can anyone relate to this or has anyone any advice?

Thanks in advance

I think while you have a lot going for you. The next question you should ask yourself is what do you want from life? Is it friends? Relationship? Or to live life? To get your social life up and running should be a lot easier now the covid restrictions are about to be lifted. If your fit join a hiking or hill walking group, it'll get you out on weekends and you'll get to meet different people. Or you could volunteer for whatever you prefer charity shops/ river cleaning etc. But saying that you have to make the effort yourself because nobody's going to do it for you.
I believe life is for the living get out and live life while you can.

Segundo Volanante

Today went much better.

Being able to stick on a suit, work outdoors, grab a coffee and a bite to eat, flirt with the waitress. It's the little things I guess :-)

brinty

Segundo Volanante wrote:

Being able to stick on a suit, work outdoors, grab a coffee and a bite to eat, flirt with the waitress. It's the little things I guess :-)

There you go, did she flirt back

GiftofGab

OP seems like the mirror of me. I've nothing to add but thanks for posting. There's a lot more people than you think in your situation.

Always Be Closing

edit

Segundo Volanante

brinty wrote: »

There you go, did she flirt back

Yeah she did, wasn't really my type though. I was probably flirting just to make myself feel good

H3llR4iser

Segundo Volanante wrote: »

Can anyone relate to this or has anyone any advice?

Yes: learn be your own man, do things you like and give the middle finger to convention.


I see these kind of questions coming up and I am absolutely baffled by them. Stop, take a seat and look back, please.

You've done well enough for yourself to have a job that affords you to live by yourself, comfortably, in what is pretty much an expensive place to be.

You're in good health and have no specific addictions - a much rarer prospect than many realize (if you really look into people, you'll discover almost everyone has some form addiction - most prominently in Ireland and the UK it's alcohol, but can be cigarettes or junk food).

Finally, by being single, no kids and no specific strings attached, you have the one, greatest gift of them all: personal freedom. The world is quite literally your freaking oyster.

And yet, you're here, sitting and spewing out stuff like this:

Segundo Volanante wrote: »

Hi guys,
It's when 5pm hits though and all through the weekend that I'm more often than not completely by myself with nothing to do and the nights and weekends drag.

Having "nothing to do" is a situation nobody should ever allow themselves to be in. Saying "I have nothing to do" equates to saying "I have no interests aside from my job, no hobbies, no passion and I rely on superficial interaction with others to keep me entertained".

STOP relying on others to keep you "entertained" - you might not realize it, and be thinking "I don't rely on others!" as you read this, but what you wrote in your post says otherwise - and it's a very, very, very common issue.

Find something that makes you "tick". Something you can do regardless of other people, of the weather, of the season and the location, so that you look forward to it on a daily basis - and no, "your job" is not a valid answer. Needs to be something that brings you joy, relaxation and fun - and it can be literally ANYTHING, from reading 16th century books to model building, from knitting to engine repairs to video games, the only limiting factor here is what you like. Possibly, find more than one such hobbies, so you'll have choice. You should get into a place where you look forward to the week end, or that day off, so you can spend time "fixing up that old bike/charting star positions/drawing that comic page" and so on. You get the drill.

Don't fall in the stupid concept that you MUST do something to "improve yourself" - from what you've written, you DON'T NEED to improve anything specific. if you WANT to do it, on the other hand, more power to you - that way it will be enjoyable and not a chore.

All the rest - the "social stuff", the traveling and whatnot, is a NICE to HAVE, and should be something that ADDS VALUE to your life, not something that takes the place of your own way; Having your own "thing" will also massively help when interacting with others - finding people with common interests and actually having something to talk about.

Think about it - most people are utterly, insufferably, hopelessly boring because they have absolutely nothing to say for themselves - conversations usually wrap around TV shows, last weeks' football match, work or...the weather. It's not surprising, when most people (women and men alike) answer inane shoite like "listening to music", "watching TV", "surfing the web" or "going out with my mates" to the question "what are your hobbies".

I know this was abrasive and direct, I don't mean to hurt sensibilities, but I feel like it needed to be said. The whole Pandemic lockdown situation really has been highlighting a LOT of the faults of our society, from a certain level of technological/scientific arrogance (basically, we were firmly convinced we'd be able to chokeslam any disease into submission easily until March 2020) to the now overwhelmingly abundant evidence that we've conditioned people to be overly reliant on one another and not in any meaningful way (e.g. buying services from a professional or goods from a manufacturer), but on the superficial, day-to-day water cooler talk level. Simply because most people really have nothing else going on in their lives.

What the lockdown situation highlighted is the divide between the people who are their own person, functional and complete on their own, and these who need to constantly hang off of the shoulders of others.

Turquoise Hexagon Sun

Segundo Volanante wrote: »

Yeah she did, wasn't really my type though. I was probably flirting just to make myself feel good

I appreciate this type of self-awarness, self-reflection and honesty.

joeharte123

People can often underestimate the importance of human interaction. No matter what age you are you need to have face to face human interaction. Some people are better at distracting themselves compared to others and thus require to talk to people less. I believe in modern Ireland people like OP are becoming more common. Loneliness is a terrible thing and always has been. My advice is to put yourself out there, make contact with old friends, arrange days here and there and don’t be afraid of bothering people as all they can say is no. People can get caught up in their own ruts of just spending time with their girlfriends and would openly welcome an outing with a friend. Again, it doesn’t have to be drinking, it could be a coffee, pitch and putt, a hike.... literally anything!

PhilOssophy

joeharte123 wrote: »

People can often underestimate the importance of human interaction. No matter what age you are you need to have face to face human interaction. Some people are better at distracting themselves compared to others and thus require to talk to people less. I believe in modern Ireland people like OP are becoming more common. Loneliness is a terrible thing and always has been. My advice is to put yourself out there, make contact with old friends, arrange days here and there and don’t be afraid of bothering people as all they can say is no. People can get caught up in their own ruts of just spending time with their girlfriends and would openly welcome an outing with a friend. Again, it doesn’t have to be drinking, it could be a coffee, pitch and putt, a hike.... literally anything!

I think it is a real symptom of our modern society, like if a stranger talked to most people on a bus, they would probably be freaked out by it, even if they just said hello.
Social media and phones have definintely made us less social, more distant, and we have all lost the ability to focus on 1 conversation. Sad, but it is true. Talking to somebody, notification from phone, out with phone. It isn't a good way to live our lives in all honesty, even if we are all guilty of it.

_Kaiser_

Good thread and i can relate to a lot of it.

Like the OP I live alone and have a good job that I can do pretty much indefinitely from home (or anywhere really) so that's what I've been doing since March and have no intention of rushing back to the office - which is good because WFH looks to being a permanent thing now and I've no reason to be in the office most of the time anyway. I don't report to anyone locally and most of my work is with remote teams anyway.

I live an hour away from work and I'd have a small circle of friends who are likewise all over the place, but we do have a Viber group that we talk shyte in and we do some online gaming during the week over Discord so those are good for keeping in touch, but generally I just do my own thing during the week. I'd then normally be down to see my son over the weekends, but with CV-19 and his mother a bit more freaked out about it than I would be, I haven't been down in a while but I chat to him on Whatsapp anyway too.

Most of the time I'm fine on my own but it can be a bit lonely alright. Because of my (previous) commuting and the little fella, I'd have been home only really for a few hours in the evenings during the week, and then catching up on things when I wasn't down with himself. It didn't leave much time for socialising or a love life, but to be honest I don't mind that most of the time either. At my age (mid-40s) dating is a bit different anyway and I've no interest in getting drunk every weekend.

One thing I have realised though is how much the daily commute was taking out of me. I was knackered most days when I got home and thus eating too much rubbish from takeaways and had no energy. Now I'm eating better, sleeping better and gotten lots done around the house in the last while, so it's been a positive in that sense so maybe when things get back to a more normal situation I'll try to socialise locally more as well.

Ultrflat

Im in my late 30's I'm recently single out of a marriage my night's are going to be very different, I will be living with house mates, but I guess the importance with being on your own for me is getting to know my self again.

Finding hobbies you love. But also planning your week in advance not for something to do in the short time but for a way to make sure you have something to do over time. Maybe something to look into.

I feel that the trap of hiding away is an easy one to fall into. The importance is to reach out to people. I feel the key is getting involved in groups/clubs a little difficult given current and what seem to be on going restrictions based on social distancing.