Can you stay friends after an affair? - Please see Mod Note in OP

LegacyUser

I've been having an affair on and off with a married man for a couple of years. We seem to rekindle every so often, but his wife recently discovered he had been having an affair through text messages she found on his phone.

After so many years I have feelings for him and believe that I love him. He says he loves me. He wants to fix things at home as he has a wife and four kids.

My question is for anyone who has been in the same boat as me. How did you get over the affair you had? This feels like a relationship break up to me. And do you think it is possible to remain friends or should any ties be cut?

Please read Mod notes here and here before posting

sallyanne12

StayingAnonymous1982 wrote: »

I've been having an affair on and off with a married man for a couple of years. We seem to rekindle every so often, but his wife recently discovered he had been having an affair through text messages she found on his phone.

After so many years I have feelings for him and believe that I love him. He says he loves me. He wants to fix things at home as he has a wife and four kids.

My question is for anyone who has been in the same boat as me. How did you get over the affair you had? This feels like a relationship break up to me. And do you think it is possible to remain friends or should any ties be cut?

I’ve never been in your boat thankfully. I wouldn’t be able to feel happy in myself by hurting other people. So sad that so many women like you do these things to innocent families. Have some respect for himself and his wife and do not stay friends. Definitely not possible to remain friends- his wife will obviously not allow it. If it doesn’t work with the wife, then off the two of you go and live happily ever after

Jurgen Klopp

You have to be honest with yourself too.

Is it really you want to stay friends or you hope by remaining friends you'll eventually be able to start up things in future?

punisher5112

Go start your own family, he had you as the bit on the side and probably most would dream of it....

If you thought he would leave and go with you he would end up doing exactly that on you....

Wife was with a fella like that, ended up having kids with 2 of them at the same time....

Lucky Lou

You are going to be slated here not only for the affair but the kids too.
Ive not been in your situation but I know the power of love.
Morals aside if ye want to make it work then do just that.
Just stop the affair....its the secrecy and lies cause the most pain.

Stephen A Smith

You’ll always be thought of as his bit of the side by him if you remain friends. Expect a few booty calls when he’s drunk and/or in an argument with his wife.

Move on with your life and leave him behind.

eviltwin

If he's serious about making his marriage work then you won't be staying friends. It's impossible for him and his wife to move on if you are still around. As hard as it is, forget him. You deserve someone who sees you as more than just a bit of fun.

cannotlogin

Why would you want to be friends with someone who only uses you for sex, he's a liar, a cheat, no respect for his wife and kids and none for you either?

If he was going to leave her, he would have by now. If he comes running to you now, it's only because she's done with him.

Surely, you can find friends who respect you and are more decent than him.

Caranica

Some people can stay friends with exes, some people can't. Only you will know if you've been able to do this in the past or not. However there's a difference between can and should. You need to work that out for yourself given the complications of your situation.

padser

Wow? There is some amount of judgemental waffle in this thread.

OP, if you are both consenting adults, which it sounds like you are, then don't let anyone belittle the way you want to live your life. Everyone's situation is different and complex. Anyone who attempts to suggest that they know you and the complexities of your life, or him and the complexities his life based on a short paragraph should be ignored. They are, at best, misguided.

To answer your question, of course its possible. Many people in this history of this world have had affairs, stopped the affairs and remained friends. So it's certainly possible. Whether or not you will manage it, desire it or decide it's right for you is something only you and your partner can decide.

Please, try and ignore the negative nonsense being posted.

anewme

You are so entrenched in this situation, you cant see past it. If he says he wants to stay with his wife, that's it, choice made.nothing more to discuss.

In order to move on with your life, you've got to close out the friends thing. It's just giving him an "out" if he decides. Take his choice away. If it was going to work out, it would have by now.

Good luck with it.

ToxicPaddy

OP, it's highly unlikely that you could stay just friends with someone that you've openly admitted to having feelings for.

Things will be strained for him at home now his wife has knowledge of what he has been up to, so there is going to be stress and mixed emotions on his side and you being still around will offer him more opportunities to slip and you to go back to the way things were.

Even if he did leave his wife for you, add in the complications of his kids, his ex wife and everything else and you may see a side to him that suddenly isn't so appealing.

I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but a clean break for you is definitely the best thing and if he genuinely wants to salvage his marriage then it's probably the best chance he has is if you're not lurking around in the background.

Purple Mountain

He's staying with his wife. You've been dumped.
Do you really think that a. his wife will stand by this friendship or b. he'll actually risk his marriage now by being friends with you.
Sorry, but he's calling the shots now.

anewme

Purple Mountain wrote: »

He's staying with his wife. You've been dumped.
Do you really think that a. his wife will stand by this friendship or b. he'll actually risk his marriage now by being friends with you.
Sorry, but he's calling the shots now.

Agree with this.

Take his power away.

Think of yourself and your future. The years go fast. Dont waste any more time on it. You will look back in 20 years and think...wtf was I at? Dont put yourself through any more suffering.

Sorry about that

Have a bit more pride in yourself op. Haven't you already got a friend or two? No judgment (on you), and you made no vows to his wife, but ffs, it looks like you're enjoying the drama, even at the expense of your own dignity. Don't be that person anymore.

Dublinmuppet

Weird one for me. I’m having an on off affair with someone. He’s married I’m married so grand. Not much sex as his wife is very on the ball so we message more than have sex. I have fallen in love and I think he feels the same but I’m not prepared to leave my young children for him. He hasn’t asked but I don’t know whether to continue or lose him and a friendship that I really enjoy

cj maxx

Op you've already had an affair and staying friends with him is like leaving the door open to reignite it. On both sides.
If it over it's over. Move on to live your own life. And make sure he knows it too.

Tokyo

Mod:

The OP asked "Can we stay friends", not "Is it right/wrong to have an affair." A number of judgmental and off-topic posts have been deleted. Please do not continue in this vein again.

Rodin: Don't post in this thread again.

dbrunson

StayingAnonymous1982 wrote: »

I've been having an affair on and off with a married man for a couple of years. We seem to rekindle every so often, but his wife recently discovered he had been having an affair through text messages she found on his phone.

After so many years I have feelings for him and believe that I love him. He says he loves me. He wants to fix things at home as he has a wife and four kids.

My question is for anyone who has been in the same boat as me. How did you get over the affair you had? This feels like a relationship break up to me. And do you think it is possible to remain friends or should any ties be cut?

I get the connection aspect but difficult as it is if he wants to stay with his wife then let it go, remember the good times, he certainly will, but separation especially with kids is a huge deal, I would cut ties and who knows what lies down the road, best of luck. Don’t listen to the haters the heart wants what the heart wants everyone’s situation is different, but advice wise probably best to move on..

Mattdhg

First off, I'm disgusted by the harsh criticisms and character attacks you've received. I personally know a woman who was having an affair with a married man, and when the wife made sure it got public the woman received such a vile outpouring of hate that she was driven to suicide. You never know what makes someone do it, but it doesn't take a genius to know that was a big factor. Carrying off with a married man or not - you, like that woman, are still a human being, you don't deserve to be treated like ****.

I dont think you will be able to maintain a friendship with the man, there are no parameters in which it will be good for you. After any break up it can be incredibly difficult to keep in contact because you always think of rekindling it - it's especially hard in your case because a) you will be watching/listening to him giving affection to his wife and b) he will be on a very tight leash and his wife will be breathing down his neck for the foreseeable.

The best thing you can do is have a clean break, leave it all behind and find someone who is available to give you the love everyone wants and deserves. It will be tough, but in the long run it's for the best. You'll be much happier once all this drama and scraps of affection from him are past.

LegacyUser

I'm glad I didn't see the responses that have been deleted. I know many will call me a home wrecker but there are deeper reasons I won't delve into that this man chose to have an affair and he has had others too.

He is someone I click with, and tbh the emotional has been a bigger part than the physical. I appreciate all the responses and I'm so hot and cold about remaining friends that a good kick up the backside telling me I'm silly to remain friends is probably warranted!

padser

Dublinmuppet wrote: »

Weird one for me. I’m having an on off affair with someone. He’s married I’m married so grand. Not much sex as his wife is very on the ball so we message more than have sex. I have fallen in love and I think he feels the same but I’m not prepared to leave my young children for him. He hasn’t asked but I don’t know whether to continue or lose him and a friendship that I really enjoy

OP, this is actual pretty close to an example of someone who has managed to stay friends even though the wife in question is too vigilant for them to even find opportunities to have sex.

Theres no doubt anything is possible, the real question is do you want it, and is it possible for you in your situation.

Best of luck to you both!

eviltwin

StayingAnonymous1982 wrote: »

I'm glad I didn't see the responses that have been deleted. I know many will call me a home wrecker but there are deeper reasons I won't delve into that this man chose to have an affair and he has had others too.

He is someone I click with, and tbh the emotional has been a bigger part than the physical. I appreciate all the responses and I'm so hot and cold about remaining friends that a good kick up the backside telling me I'm silly to remain friends is probably warranted!

If you’re in love with him staying friends will be torture for you. If his marriage is that bad and he loves you he would want to be with you. Staying for the sake of the kids is an excuse. I appreciate letting him go is difficult but he’s treating you like crap and friends don’t do that.

Mattdhg

Just realised we all automatically assumed that the OP is a woman, when it may be a man. It would fit with the "deeper reasons" why he has had a few affairs.

Either way, look, he'll always be full of empty promises and he'll always keep you at an arms length - in the least because of his children if not for his wife. It's a hard decision to make to move on but it has to happen. Staying friends is giving him all the power over you, and you'll be waiting for his call on the sideline for years more.

Tork

Trying to stay friends with this man = hanging around hoping that you can pick up where you left off. You've admitted you have feelings for him so being friends is not possible at this time. As has already been pointed out, if he's serious about saving his marriage you won't be hearing from him for quite a while. I'm confident that cutting contact with you is one of the ground rules that has been laid down here. If the roles were reversed and you were his wife, you'd ask for the very same thing.

Having this affair has stopped you from moving forward with your life. I'm sure your younger self never thought you'd end up as someone's bit on the side, rather than in a relationship of your own. It's unfortunate that you clicked with a man who isn't available but maybe there are available men out there who are a perfect match for you. You don't know if that's the case because you committed yourself to an affair that has no future.

HildaOgdenx

eviltwin wrote: »

If you’re in love with him staying friends will be torture for you. If his marriage is that bad and he loves you he would want to be with you. Staying for the sake of the kids is an excuse. I appreciate letting him go is difficult but he’s treating you like crap and friends don’t do that.

+1 to this.

OP, I think you would be far better off cutting ties. I've seen this described as the 'pick me dance' where someone having an affair while married has two people vying for their attention, and at some level, is enjoying the situation.
I don't know if you are hoping that he will change his mind, and I'm aware that is not what you have asked here. You deserve better and as has been said, this could be holding you back from meeting someone else.

redfox123

You want people to give you a kick up the arse here it is.
Here’s why you shouldn’t be friends.

Staying friends is completely delusional.
It is not a friendship it’s the crumbs left from a failed affair, and trying to pretend it’s not. It’s beyond selfish of you and of him.
Wife and children have been seriously and irrevocably hurt by this man’s and your actions. It will have lifelong repercussions. Do not cause more of that. Have Self Accountability, for Everything you do.

You ‘think’ you love him.
His wife, and him stood in front of friends and family and everyone they know and made vows to be faithful and love each other til death do they part. Til death. It’s no joke. That is commitment. To be honoured through hard times and doubt and temptation and everything up until death. No matter how they ‘feel’. Feelings are like clouds in the sky. Changing all the time. Love is acting and doing what is right; honesty, loyalty, integrity, effort, patience, mutual respect. For your partner and yourself, and their children.

All else is ego and lust.

Do you even grasp the magnitude of the commitment of marriage? Love is a promise of those ideals above. No matter what the ‘feelings’ of the day are. You don’t go near a marriage no matter what they say. He has broken that for a bit on the side, he’s just another cliche and you can’t control him..so how about YOU do the right thing and leave him to his family to try and get on and do the right thing. Whether that be begin to fix the damage he’s done or begin to properly and honestly do right by her and divorce. You get out of their business, it is THEIR marriage. No matter what he says, that is the facts and stick to those, you should not be in contact.
No matter the struggles he’s telling you and the reasons for his affairs, that is HIS life to sort out, not yours! He is a grown man, not a baby to be looked after.

If you love him in the true sense of the word (nothing to do with lust, possession, drama, lies, deceit) you would leave him as he is, cut ties and move on. If it’s meant to be you will be together somewhere in the future. When he is 100% single.

Work on yourself. If you loved yourself really and truly would you settle for this?
No you wouldn’t. Start from scratch, leave this affair and ‘friendship’ in the past. He was never really yours.

MarriedButBi

Dublinmuppet wrote: »

Weird one for me. I’m having an on off affair with someone. He’s married I’m married so grand. Not much sex as his wife is very on the ball so we message more than have sex. I have fallen in love and I think he feels the same but I’m not prepared to leave my young children for him. He hasn’t asked but I don’t know whether to continue or lose him and a friendship that I really enjoy

I'm in something like the same situation. Having an ongoing affair for a few years. Very few meets, but when we meet, it's pretty intense. I haven't fallen in love, and it's always been the physical thing for both of us, we seem to be very compatible. But I think she is a little more romantic about the situation than I am. It's bound to happen that one or other ends up a little more into the sentiment of it I suppose.

Yellow pack crisps

He had an affair. The OP did not.

bitofabind

What would you get out of a friendship with this man besides more false hope, pain and broken expectations?

I’m going to assume quite reasonably that you have significant self esteem issues in order to have put up with this situation for as long as you have. Hanging out of this man that has dismissed you and relegated you to the role of dirty little secret for years now is not the path to happiness. It’s the path to more pain and confirmation of some sort of inner belief you have that you don’t deserve anything more.

Now is the time to take the hard and long path, not the easy one. Cut him out, treat this like a breakup and get yourself into counselling to start processing this situation and why you tolerated it for so long. Start the journey towards self care and self belief and being the version of yourself that you want to be.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Sallyanne I've deleted your post. If you have a problem with moderator direction, questioning in thread is not the way to do it. Please see the Charter on this.

Posters have already been asked to answer the question the OP has asked and I've deleted another set of Off Topic posts.

The OP has come here looking for constructive civil advice on their issue. If you have not got or cannot offer advice in a constructive manner to the question the OP has asked, please do not post in the thread.

Tork

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

He had an affair. The OP did not.

That's one take on it. She knew what she was getting into though and she could've said no at any time. It takes two people to have an affair/relationship/apply your own label. "No" has now been said on her behalf because of recent events. She would be wise to take this opportunity to cut her losses and move on with her own life.

sallyanne12

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Mod Note

Sallyanne I've deleted your post. If you have a problem with moderator direction, questioning in thread is not the way to do it. Please see the Charter on this.

Posters have already been asked to answer the question the OP has asked and I've deleted another set of Off Topic posts.

The OP has come here looking for constructive civil advice on their issue. If you have not got or cannot offer advice in a constructive manner to the question the OP has asked, please do not post in the thread.

Right considering I can’t speak about my feelings on the subject, I’ll give the OP my Thoughts and advice purely without emotion.
You’ve been seeing the married man for several years yet he never left his wife for you. Love is strong and he doesn’t love you, if he did he had plenty of time to leave. As soon as his wife found out, his first reaction was to go to her NOT to you.
I bet he hasn’t been declaring his love to you since the wife found out? You will never be friends. If you’re “friends” now, then you’ll be knowing he’s with his wife sleeping with his wife. If him and his wife break up and he stays your friend but goes for some other woman, how will you feel as his friend knowing he’s seeing someone else. So no, you are not friends and won’t be. What you could be is his option if his wife leaves him which is a high possibility (don’t know how the wife could forgive years of lies and betrayal as he didn’t come clean, she found out!) but then he’ll only be going for you because he lost the woman he wanted... you should go for a man who loves you as number 1 not someone’s leftovers. How this mans selfishness doesn’t turn you off him is beyond me.
You should take that power away from him and go for someone else then the selfish man will get what he deserves which is nobody

Goodigal

OP, do you want to be the friend he comes to now, with tales of woe about how his wife has told him to leave, and he's nowhere to live but he wants to see his children, and have to listen to all the drama that is going to unfold? Because if he does love you and wants to be with you, you will be listening to it. And much more. His life is about to get more difficult by the day. It's a pity you didn't fall for a better man (and I say this as someone who's husband had an affair so I am trying to be restrained in my reply!)

Neyite

Op, if he's going to make a go of it with his wife, almost certainly cutting all contact with you will be a pre-condition of her and him to save the marriage. So I don't think the choice to stay friends will be in your hands at all, I'm afraid. You will likely find yourself blocked and ignored. (until he thinks the coast is clear to rekindle again maybe)

In any relationship, being true friends only happens when the feelings die off. I've ex's I'd be happy to be friends with now, because any romantic feelings are long gone. But trying to stay friends when you have feelings for someone is really only codding yourself and you usually get hurt in the process.

If I told you you could do better you probably wouldn't believe me so I'll say this: while he's working on his marriage stay well away - for your sake. Being 'friends', listening to him talk about how he's trying with his wife will hurt you. So protect your heart here. You'll already get the brunt of the anger from his wife (other women always do) and there's a good chance that he'll be ok with you getting the blame of it all.

You must be hurting too. I'm sure there was a big part of you thinking that when the wife found out, he would leave and you could be together honestly as a couple, so it is a rejection and a break up all at once. Plus you get to be the one branded a home wrecker despite him being the one who took marriage vows.

So I would say, stay away, block his number, do what you need to do to get over this relationship but don't let his situation hurt you any more than it has done already.

Dog day

OP, although it’s possible to be friends with an Ex the odds are stacked against you here. Indeed you can’t even classify this man as an ex as he’s never committed to you.

Be honest with yourself, it’s not truly friendship you’re seeking with this man.

He’s made his choice. That’s tough, it hurts & it will hurt for some time to come but you need to leave him in the past, that’s the only way to finding happiness in the future with someone who’s free to commit to you.

He’s now looking after his needs, he’s made his priorities clear & you’re not one of them. He’s not & indeed never will be your friend. I’m sure deep down you know that.

I wish you well.

Big Bag of Chips

Purple Mountain wrote: »

Sorry, but he's calling the shots now.

I disagree. His wife is calling the shots now. And I imagine if he wants to work things out with her, one condition will be that he has no more contact with you.

A "friendship" with him now after going behind his wife's back for so long is wholly inappropriate, and not actually what you're looking for at all, is it? You love him. You believe he loves you.

He can't have both of you. Not anymore. And he has decided he wants his wife and family. There's an excellent chance once she processes all this she will find she can't get past it and the marriage will probably end anyway. In which case you just wait for him to come back to you as second choice.

cloudatlas

People need to stop being so judgemental without knowing all the facts here. The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage.

The O.P. doesn't want to be just friends and this man, he wants to make his marriage work so it's time to step away and leave them to it I'm afraid, maybe find a professional to talk to to help the transition.