Mixed messages, guy takes hours to reply to me?

I signed up to OkCupid recently but didn't realise my location was set to anywhere in the world. I matched with a guy in London and we started chatting, and really clicked. We continued to talk and I hinted about giving my number, and then he asked for it.

I can't remember the last time I clicked so much with someone. He's funny, seems quite thoughtful, and is interesting. We also have an insane amount in common.

He plays guitar and when I complimented his skills having seen them on social media, he told me he could play me a song if I like. I told him my favourite song and the next day he sent me a video of him playing it. I was really bowled over that he actually took the time to learn a song for me and play it.

I know that he's in a different country and with all that's happening who knows if and when we'd be able to see each other, and I shouldn't be getting so carried away. But it's hard not to get excited when I've found someone I feel I click with, after no joy on dating apps for the past while.

The problem is, he takes up to 3 hours at a time to respond to me, even though I can see he's online during this time. The other day he apologised for the delay in replying but said he's swamped with work which I of course understand.

Today I asked how his day was, he took 2 hours to respond (but again was online during this time) and then he told me he got very little done as he spent the day in the garden. This to me felt a little rude.

It really bothers me, he acts very into me, but then can't be bothered to reply for hours at a time.

I'm confused - any advice? Thanks a mil.

Caranica

At these strange times we are more connected than ever. At any one time someone could be on a zoom call on a laptop, get a whatsapp call on their phone, get whatsapp messages from someone else during that, be chatting in Messenger/Skype, be typing an email and get messages on Twitter or Instagram...and possibly more. Stuff can come in faster than they could get responses out. Yes they're online but very occupied.

It's not fair to expect an instant response, especially to a non urgent message like "how are you" or "how was your day".

Add in the online dating site and international nature, I would tend to agree that it's best to cut your losses now. If you're worrying about how long it takes him to get back during lockdown, you'll be going out of your mind when bars and clubs are open and people can go back to hanging out.

cj maxx

Ah Jesus! He have put down his phone without closing the app down or he could be talking to other women.
You are a stalker, sorry OP but seriously.?

cannotlogin

You don't know him.
You've never met him.
He's in a different country.
We are in the middle of a pandemic.
You are a woman he has spoken to a few times is not his main priority right now.
I'm sure he has other things going on in his life.
Timing the messages of someone you don't ever know comes across far too excessive and invested at such and early stage.

Slow down, enjoy it for what it is and lower your expectations.

You'll drive yourself insane otherwise and come off extremely clingy.

99nsr125

I had a girlfriend once who would fųckin loose it if I didn't reply to her messages within a half an hour.

She's not my girlfriend anymore.

She now takes anti-psychotic medication

A sample of what I used to get

<snipped - please don't post screenshots of messages>

Porklife

99nsr125 wrote: »

I had a girlfriend once who would fųckin loose it if I didn't reply to her messages within a half an hour.

She's not my girlfriend anymore.

She now takes anti-psychotic medication

A sample of what I used to get

Very odd that you would post that and helps the Op in no way whatsoever.

Op..I have to agree with the other posters that you are getting carried away. You have never even met this guy! You don't know the first thing about him. Come on darling, get a grip!!!

JeffKenna

99nsr125 wrote: »

I had a girlfriend once who would fųckin loose it if I didn't reply to her messages within a half an hour.

She's not my girlfriend anymore.

She now takes anti-psychotic medication

A sample of what I used to get

That's not very nice to post that.

Gekko

Sorry OP but unless you’re about 14 and this is your first time online dating, I agree with the other replies, you’re investing and expecting far too much

Sorry if that’s harsh to hear

In my experience people can take days to reply to messages in this context

And in the age of ghosting and breadcrumbing and all those terms, quite frankly it could be argued that you should be thankful to get a reply at all, assuming you’re average in terms of looks and qualities

We all want a reply right away, in the same way we want our online shopping same day or next day

People have no patience any more

SusieBlue

Sorry OP but he owes you nothing.
If anything, he’s probably being quite sensible by not getting too invested & overly involved with a woman who lives in a different country, who he won’t be able to meet any time soon.

I’m also currently online dating during lockdown and I’d also take minimum of a few hours to reply, not because I’m playing games, but because I’m trying not to spend all day glued to my phone and because I know how fast conversation can dry up when you spend 12 hours a day texting someone.
Bar initial getting to know each other chit chat, there is only so much conversation you can make when you are both sat at home all day.

To be honest I actually find it quite off putting when I’m initially speaking to someone & they reply instantaneously to messages, it feels needy & invasive to me and it makes me feel under pressure to respond to quickly too, and I don’t like that.
I don’t have time to be texting all day every day, even during lockdown.

It sounds like you aren’t his main priority right now, and that’s actually a positive thing. I’d rather someone with patience take their time to get to know me & see my value than be love bombed & ghosted.

So you just need to pull back a bit, give both him and yourself some space before your drive yourself demented trying to figure out what his motives are.

bitofabind

Why are you investing so much in someone you might not ever meet, or at the very least won’t see until 2021? That strikes me as irrational and needy and very intense, I’m surprised the guy is responding at all.

I find it really difficult to communicate with random blokes on dating apps at the moment and make sure to space out any texting or messaging I’m doing if I do. We’re in the middle of a global pandemic so my whole life is on my phone / laptop right now, it’s stressful enough staying in frequent contact with family and friends and then the constant virtual work load, never mind texting a bloke that I might not see for months.

Try to ground yourself a little here. It’s nice to feel a connection with someone but there’s a lot more to a relationship than that - geography and availability tend to be the more important factors and the ones that you are completely ignoring here.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you hope to meet him?
When?
In the meantime do you think you will meet others, or will you stop online dating now until you meet with this fella and see if you click in real life?
Do you expect him to not meet others in the meantime until he meets you first and sees if this is going anywhere?
How long, realistically, do you expect this to continue without you meeting face to face?

You are not in a relationship with this man. He doesn't owe you speedy replies. As previous posters have said everybody is doing everything online right now. Communicating, working, entertainment. There are WhatsApp groups that are pinging every few minutes with different memes and videos. My phone was out of action for 3 days last week. 3 days - When I turned it back on I had 484 WhatsApp messages - in 3 Days!!

I didn't read or reply to any of them!!

Honestly, OP, I think you need to look at this fella as a penpal. Nothing more. Someone you are unlikely to actually meet in person, and find someone closer to home who you may have a realistic chance of meeting in the next 2 months! The one thing you often hear advised about online dating is meet up sooner rather than later. Because what happens with prolonged online messaging etc is that you build up this fantasy of a relationship and this great romance, and then when the couple eventually meet one or other, or both are inevitably disappointed. The "relationship" goes nowhere and someone is left annoyed that they have invested so much time in something that went nowhere. They feel they are "owed" more than that.

He owes you nothing. I'd wish him well now. Maybe stay connected by liking the odd picture or video on Facebook occasionally.

Your expectations of what this is are far too high.

bottlebrush

He is replying to your messages at his own pace because he is either busy with other stuff like he said or senses you are coming on too strong and is purposely taking things slowly.
He spent some time in the garden so he didn't get back to for two hours and you thought that was rude? Really? If you did get together would you be expecting him to drop everything and come running every time it suited you? He had a life before he met you and he still has that life.
As do you. Concentrate on that and treat this liaison as just another little part of this.
A person simply cant be a available on tap.Keep doing the things you always did insofar as you can in the present circumstances and ease up on your expectations regarding this man.
It may or may not work out but relax and let thing go their natural course. As another poster said just think of him as a penpal for the moment and stop checking his online activity. He has a right to be online and chatting to other people - people he had in his life before he started corresponding with you.
All the best.

redfox123

How’s he supposed to keep up communication with his girlfriend if he has to keep replying to you?
But seriously you don’t know this guy until you actually get to know him in real life. And that probably may not happen anytime soon so it’d be wiser to focus on getting busy in your own life and look to meet someone nearer. You may have stuff in common but that’s nice for a pen pal not enough for a real world relationship. Continue to message if you like but you’re already getting way too invested in an online thing, when it’s real life chemistry, compatibility and the more practical side of things that are the components of actual relationship potential.

Paddygreen

<snip>

Mod: @Paddygreen - don't post in this thread again. Familiarise yourself with the PI/RI forum charter before posting elsewhere in PI/RI again.

paw patrol

i don't get the hate for the OP .
Can only answer for me (and what I saw with my peers) and I accept all people are different.

But when I was dating - if I really liked a girl I'd reply pretty quick.
If I was less into her i.e. the "grand" category I replied when I wasn't busy.
There is a big difference in category.

If you were my friend Id say he doesn't seem that into you.

Big Bag of Chips

He's in London, and there's no travel at the moment - so you're not "dating" OP. You're texting a fella that contacted you by accident because your location was set wrong!

eviltwin

I agree with the others here, you are being way too obsessive about a guy you only chatted to a few times and for what, because you get on and he played you a song on his guitar?

It's unlikely this will go anywhere in real life but use this time to work on your insecurity. When things get back to normal and you are meeting people face to face, this kind of time keeping will break up potentially good relationships.

Porklife

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

He's in London, and there's no travel at the moment - so you're not "dating" OP. You're texting a fella that contacted you by accident because your location was set wrong!

Ouch - that's gotta hurt!! I hadn't thought of it this way but Big Bag is unfortunately spot on. Op, we're all a bit bored at the moment and finding new ways of filling voids and distracting ourselves but this is nothing more than a "toilet swipe" to him. That's a (horrible) phrase my male friends say about Tinder matches they don't care about. If he really liked you he'd not only be messaging you back promptly, he'd be instigating texts. To be honest I agree with Susie Blue about being turned off if he actually did...you don't know each other and let's face it, you never will! You're probably a nuisance to him.
The guitar thing made me cringe btw...the fact you fell for it and felt special speaks volumes.
Work on your self esteem. You deserve an actual partner who will actually love you and in order for that to happen you have to actually meet!!!

Dog day

Hi OP, it probably feels like you’re getting a roasting here but the posts are in the main all harsh but true. Equally though you may have accidentally set your location to the whole world it’s possible he infact purposely did so & is happily messaging women from all across the globe to pass the time!

The guitar playing is a classic cringe worthy, over the top, narcissistic display on his part, it says more about him that he’d make this cheesy move with no real intent behind it. To be fair though he’s a stranger to you & owes you nothing!

As Porklife says please work on your self-esteem & manage your expectations particularly in terms of online dating. I’d actually advise you to delete the apps for the moment as you don’t sound ready to deal with them. Online dating even during normal times can be brutal but if you continue to display such needy tendencies you’re setting yourself up for repeated disappointments.

lainey_d_123

I think the last couple of replies are a bit harsh. We're in the middle of a lockdown - everyone is bored, lonely and isolated. I wouldn't say someone is a narcissist for recording a song she likes - why do people have to see the worst in everyone? He probably thought it was a nice gesture and would cheer her up. He's hardly love bombing her or asking to meet now, so where's the narcissistic behaviour?

I've been chatting to a few people and have enjoyed it. Have no expectations whatsoever regarding meeting up but have enjoyed meeting a few new people online and getting to know them, and having some interesting chats. I think it's grand to do that but OP seems to have got extremely over invested. You can't expect someone you've never met to drop everything to reply.

OP, I'd say back off and just treat this person like a penpal. Have nice chats and pass the time, but don't expect anything from it.

Tork

I didn't think it was narcissistic behaviour either, or that he views her as a nuisance. It could be something as simple as the novelty wearing off for him. Maybe he's chatting to other women too and someone else has caught his eye. Messaging someone in another country is fine but if you start thinking ahead, it gets more complicated. For starters, nobody can say for sure when anything approaching normal international travel will resume in this country. I've read suggestions that it's going to be several months away or even 2021. That's assuming we don't get a second wave of Covid-19. So even if the OP and this guy in London wanted to meet, it isn't going to happen for a long time yet. When you don't meet somebody off a dating app in person before too long, you run the risk of building up an unrealistic picture of what they're like. It also turns them into more of a penpal than an actual boyfriend or girlfriend. In the meantime, this guy is going to have more opportunities to meet up with women who live on the same landmass as he does.

Then there's the realism of trying to date somebody who lives in another country. It's really hard to do on lots of levels. It worked out for one of my friends but before she made the decision to move to the UK, she and her now husband spent a significant amount of time and money flying over and back. Unless one person is open to the idea of emigrating, embarking on an international relationship is a recipe for heartbreak. I think it's time to cool the jets on this one and view him as a penpal rather than something more.

Dog day

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I think the last couple of replies are a bit harsh. We're in the middle of a lockdown - everyone is bored, lonely and isolated. I wouldn't say someone is a narcissist for recording a song she likes - why do people have to see the worst in everyone?

Hi Lainey, just to elaborate, I happen to be a person that generally always seeks & finds the good in most people! However in my opinion the guitar playing for a stranger online says more about the performer than the audience! To me it lacks sincerity & is a classic move that’s probably a ‘rinse/repeat’ charm offensive party piece for this guy with women. It’s clear the OP has unrealistic expectations & as such could end up being very disappointed & hurt by reading too much into things, particularly in relation to meeting people online, it’s a minefield.

cj maxx

cj maxx wrote: »

Ah Jesus! He have put down his phone without closing the app down or he could be talking to other women.
You are a stalker, sorry OP but seriously.?

OP, I didn't mean to sound harsh , saying you're a stalker and rereading it I did.
But it's an easy line to cross when it's online and you're in different countries.
It's right there on your phone whether he's has the app open or not, so perhaps you can disable that function . Don't worry about the guitar playing criticism, Ive seen guys to it at parties etc and while it strikes me as a bit narsacisstic? most people who sing play are.
You've taken a shine to him but try not to get too carried away with things you can't change.
Good luck.

Big Bag of Chips

I tend to agree that people who tend to sing or play music also enjoying singing and playing music for an audience. If he's good then he knows he's good, and he wanted you to know he was good. It wasn't that he was singing a song "for you". He was singing a song, and you were the audience at that time.

My brother sent me a few clips of him playing a few tunes the other day! He certainly wasn't trying to woo me (I hope :eek:!!)

As others have pointed out, OP, this fella had a life, and family, and friends, and groups, and hobbies, and interests before he started communicating with you. He still has all those things and now he is online, socialising with them, working, being entertained, entertaining, communicating, shopping etc. Being online, doesn't mean he's sitting there looking at your texts ignoring them for a few hours!

skallywag

Dog day wrote: »

The guitar playing is a classic cringe worthy, over the top, narcissistic display on his part, it says more about him that he’d make this cheesy move with no real intent behind it

Wow. You clearly have never known someone who is really passionate about music and the instrument that they play. I have played myself for years, and would have done the same on countless occasions.



If someone, be it a romantic interest, a good friend, a family member etc. expressed interest in a particular song, and it was something that I myself though was half decent, I would often spend a day getting said song down, and would play it. More of a way to broaden my own skills and repertoire than anything else, but also because as a musician I like entertaining people.



I have to say I find your opinion completely bizarre. Do you really think that people only play music to people in order to get into their knickers?

weldoninhio

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I signed up to OkCupid recently but didn't realise my location was set to anywhere in the world. I matched with a guy in London and we started chatting, and really clicked. We continued to talk and I hinted about giving my number, and then he asked for it.

I can't remember the last time I clicked so much with someone. He's funny, seems quite thoughtful, and is interesting. We also have an insane amount in common.

He plays guitar and when I complimented his skills having seen them on social media, he told me he could play me a song if I like. I told him my favourite song and the next day he sent me a video of him playing it. I was really bowled over that he actually took the time to learn a song for me and play it.

I know that he's in a different country and with all that's happening who knows if and when we'd be able to see each other, and I shouldn't be getting so carried away. But it's hard not to get excited when I've found someone I feel I click with, after no joy on dating apps for the past while.

The problem is, he takes up to 3 hours at a time to respond to me, even though I can see he's online during this time. The other day he apologised for the delay in replying but said he's swamped with work which I of course understand.

Today I asked how his day was, he took 2 hours to respond (but again was online during this time) and then he told me he got very little done as he spent the day in the garden. This to me felt a little rude.

It really bothers me, he acts very into me, but then can't be bothered to reply for hours at a time.

I'm confused - any advice? Thanks a mil.

If he’s on an app it could be running in the background while he’s got the phone in his pocket.

Porklife

skallywag wrote: »

Wow. You clearly have never known someone who is really passionate about music and the instrument that they play. I have played myself for years, and would have done the same on countless occasions.



If someone, be it a romantic interest, a good friend, a family member etc. expressed interest in a particular song, and it was something that I myself though was half decent, I would often spend a day getting said song down, and would play it. More of a way to broaden my own skills and repertoire than anything else, but also because as a musician I like entertaining people.

I have to say I find your opinion completely bizarre. Do you really think that people only play music to people in order to get into their knickers?

Being passionate about music has nothing to do with it. I've been a singer for years and in various bands and the only time I've sang for a guy or played him my songs is when I've been hammered trying (and most likely failing) to show off and impress him so he'd tell me how amazing I am. It's extremely narcissistic and cringe. The guy did that to make her swoon and fawn over him not because he's a "true artist".

skallywag

Porklife wrote: »

Being passionate about music has nothing to do with it. I've been a singer for years and in various bands and the only time I've sang for a guy or played him my songs is when I've been hammered trying (and most likely failing) to show off and impress him so he'd tell me how amazing I am. It's extremely narcissistic and cringe. The guy did that to make her swoon and fawn over him not because he's a "true artist".

Disagree completely.

If you tried and failed to impress someone, then that's your own failing. You probably also need to have a look at yourself if you need people to be telling you 'how amazing I am'.

I love playing myself and will play for someone regardless of whether I want to impress them or not, the fact that I know they like the tune is enough to encourage me.

I guess you need to decide yourself what you think a 'true artist' is Porklife.

Username here

Porklife wrote: »

... the only time I've sang for a guy or played him my songs is when I've been hammered trying (and most likely failing) to show off and impress him so he'd tell me how amazing I am....

So because that's YOUR reason for doing that, everyone else who does it has to have the same motive? Really??

OP, to echo the general sentiment on the thread:
- don't ignore red flags; you're just lining yourself up for trouble if you do.
- work on your self esteem; you need to be happy in yourself before you can be truly happy with anyone else
- the apps (and people you meet on them) aren't really the issue. While people messing you around / standing you up must be a complete pain in the ass, being more discerning, and not disregarding red flags, would definitely help weed out people who might behave like this. And - like everything else - with practice, this should get easier and easier for you.

Good luck.

Porklife

skallywag wrote: »

Disagree completely.

If you tried and failed to impress someone, then that's your own failing. You probably also need to have a look at yourself if you need people to be telling you 'how amazing I am'.

I love playing myself and will play for someone regardless of whether I want to impress them or not, the fact that I know they like the tune is enough to encourage me.

I guess you need to decide yourself what you think a 'true artist' is Porklife.

My response was tongue in cheek!! Of course I don't need people telling me I'm amazing. I just meant the only time I would sing or play for a guy is if I was drunk and probably hoping to impress him.

I wouldn't play a song for a guy online in a different country unless I was looking for praise. I think it's a bit narcissistic, you don't so let's agree to disagree.

skallywag

Porklife wrote: »

My response was tongue in cheek!!

Seems we are going to disagree again.

Porklife

skallywag wrote: »

Seems we are going to disagree again.

Skallywag...love that username btw...I'm not saying the definitive reason he did it is because he's narcissistic, I'm saying the only time I've done it I definitely wanted praise moreso than thinking of my audience's enjoyment. I know that sounds weird but I'm being honest. Playing a gig is one thing but for me personally, I've never been the one to whip out a guitar at a session and start singing and I find it cringe when others do. That's just me.
I also hate when people say ah go on Porklife give us a song. I'm shy and find it really difficult.
I don't want to argue with you. The guy could be different to me and doing it with lovely intentions. This was merely my initial take on it.

OP here, wow what a rollercoaster of responses! Haha.

I take no offence from anyone calling me obsessive or whatever other negative comments I received, I'm very well aware of my flaws and why I have them. I am working on them, and sometimes that includes reaching out for advice to check whether I am justified in my feelings or am in fact being my ole neurotic self.

Turns out this guy was fairly narcissistic, it became obvious the more we chatted. So I've stopped chatting to him. Being in separate countries, it was fairly unrealistic anyway.

I have to say though, while his guitar playing was showy and narcissistic in retrospect, I disagree with the person who said only narcissistic people play music for others. What a ridiculous statement. Music is an art form. Is an artist who paints a picture and shows people their work a narcissist too?

Anyway, I digress.

Cheers for the advice all!

skallywag

Deleted User wrote: »

I have to say though, while his guitar playing was showy and narcissistic in retrospect, I disagree with the person who said only narcissistic people play music for others. What a ridiculous statement. Music is an art form. Is an artist who paints a picture and shows people their work a narcissist too?

A big shout out to you OP for saying that, from someone who just loves playin' his guitar.

All the best.

Dog day

[Deleted User] wrote: »

OP here, wow what a rollercoaster of responses! Haha.

I take no offence from anyone calling me obsessive or whatever other negative comments I received, I'm very well aware of my flaws and why I have them. I am working on them, and sometimes that includes reaching out for advice to check whether I am justified in my feelings or am in fact being my ole neurotic self.

Turns out this guy was fairly narcissistic, it became obvious the more we chatted. So I've stopped chatting to him. Being in separate countries, it was fairly unrealistic anyway.

I have to say though, while his guitar playing was showy and narcissistic in retrospect, I disagree with the person who said only narcissistic people play music for others. What a ridiculous statement. Music is an art form. Is an artist who paints a picture and shows people their work a narcissist too?

Anyway, I digress.

Cheers for the advice all!

Hi OP, glad you got some good advice here but nobody said only narcissistic people play music for others.

It’s incredibly disappointing when kind people take the time to help others out with advice here that comments are then misread & taken entirely out of context, not to mention others derailing the thread.

All the best.

Porklife

Dog day wrote: »

Hi OP, glad you got some good advice here but nobody said only narcissistic people play music for others.

It’s incredibly disappointing when kind people take the time to help others out with advice here that comments are then misread & taken entirely out of context, not to mention others derailing the thread.

All the best.

Thank you dude:)