Partner wants to move

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

I'm looking for some advice on an issue that has been ongoing with my partner and I for a few years.

About 7 years ago, before we got together, I purchased a house on my own. I saved hard for 5 years, got a mortgage and my parents helped me out a little to get the money together. I'm happy out with the house and its location.
Fast forward a few years and my now girlfriend has moved in and she isn't happy with the location. She says she is too far away from her family & friends and she insists on selling up and moving to a location of her preference. Without going into specifics, she is 13km away from where she grew up, it's not as if it's a different part of the country.
I love where I am, and to be honest, I'm pretty miffed at her that I worked hard to buy this place, and she has taken a large shid over it.
I pay for most things ie mortgage, utilities etc. while she buys groceries now and again. She works part time since her car is the only major expense in her life, yet I get constant digs when anything needs fixing or any bill comes up, that this is "your house".
I don't know what to do, I feel close to the end of my tether with this situation.
Any way thanks for reading, I just feel a need to vent.

Ande1975

OP,

Can I ask why you have allowed your partner to move in without agreeing to some financial arrangement? I know the horse has bolted but just think about that.
You are funding her basics so she can spend money one what she wants and allow her to work partime. You are spoiling her so she will never understand the value of hardwork, earning and saving. Kudos to you for buying a house and acknowledging your parents gift.
She has no concept or appreciation for that and never will if you indulge her.

Don't give the house up for her. If she is unhappy let her move back home.
There are so many threads in here on uneven relationships where one partner is being walked all over by the other. I'm sorry to say but yours reads like that.

Do you see a future for you both?

qwerty13

Why does she only work part time, is she studying?

Why isn’t she paying her way in the house (rent to you, her half of utilities, and her half of groceries)

What exactly does she plan on contributing to a house in ‘an area of her liking’?

eviltwin

I'd tell her if she's not happy with the house or it's location to move out. And if she stays I'd be looking at a proper contribution and a legal arrangement that protects you.

Grueller

I agree with all of the above. Protect yourself now man.

Heres Johnny

Presumably the move would be funded by the equity you have built up in the house. Get her to match this equity and then consider it. But clearly she won't be in position to do this if in part time work. 13kms is nothing if she has a car. I'd be wary of her and her demands to be honest.

Darc19

I'd look seriously at the relationship. It's very very one sided.

Seems she thinks it's all about her and that will never change.

I'd be looking at bailing out

De Danann

bosespeaker wrote: »

Hey everyone,

I'm looking for some advice on an issue that has been ongoing with my partner and I for a few years.

About 7 years ago, before we got together, I purchased a house on my own. I saved hard for 5 years, got a mortgage and my parents helped me out a little to get the money together. I'm happy out with the house and its location.
Fast forward a few years and my now girlfriend has moved in and she isn't happy with the location. She says she is too far away from her family & friends and she insists on selling up and moving to a location of her preference. Without going into specifics, she is 13km away from where she grew up, it's not as if it's a different part of the country.
I love where I am, and to be honest, I'm pretty miffed at her that I worked hard to buy this place, and she has taken a large shid over it.
I pay for most things ie mortgage, utilities etc. while she buys groceries now and again. She works part time since her car is the only major expense in her life, yet I get constant digs when anything needs fixing or any bill comes up, that this is "your house".
I don't know what to do, I feel close to the end of my tether with this situation.
Any way thanks for reading, I just feel a need to vent.

You worked hard for this house, and you have no interest in moving location. So don't.

If you move to a location of her choosing and you don't like it, or you have bad neighbours, or any other number of issues that could crop up, you will resent her for the move.

She's living in a house she didn't earn. She shouldn't have any say in this. If she wants to work and buy her own place closer to family, then that's up to her to do.

Princess Calla

There was another thread very similar to this a few months ago.

I honestly don't know how people who have saved hard for their house let someone else move in rent free. I bought my house on my own and I sacrificed alot for it.

When I met himself and he eventually moved in he paid half of all the bills and groceries and not quite half of the mortgage (I was worried about the cohabitation rule... Still don't understand the rule but we now have kids so different ball game).

I seriously don't understand the mentality of "they buy groceries" groceries for two people at a push is probably between 50-80 of which they are using half.... So room and board works out between 25-40 quid a week... Sweet gig infairness.

I would get where she's coming from if she was paying half and you were planning for the future. I can understand if she wanted to sell up and buy a house together that you bought picked out and it was your "forever family home" everything was 50/50 etc.. But I don't think this is the case here.

If she wants to move tell her to save a deposit. In the meantime charge her rent. She's an adult not a child, your her boyfriend not her dad.

Tork

The old saying "If you want to know me, come live with me" is coming to mind here. I'm sure your girlfriend has many good qualities but there are some less than flattering ones showing up here. They might even be warning signs you should be heeding. The first is her financial contribution to the household. Why isn't she paying her share towards the household? Why is she only working part-time?

I'm sorry but it looks to me like she landed herself a handy number when she got with you. She should be thanking her lucky stars that she is living with someone who has their own place not too far from home (13km is nothing in a car). If she had her own house and something to contribute meaningfully towards the purchase of a joint home, there might be some merit in looking at a move. She doesn't though and alarm bells are ringing loudly here. Tread carefully.

cannotlogin

She wants to sell a house she doesn't own or contribute to for the sake of 13km despite that fact that you, who provide her with this rent free lifestyle is perfectly happy with it.

Wow, just wow, that is some level of self indulgent, entitlement. She must have some phenomenal other attributes to even consider this for longer than 30 seconds.

punisher5112

This sounds like it's going to be expensive....

My now wife is brutal with money and can't save....

I've paid mostly rent, bills etc for years we bought last year and it's improved slightly as I put the foot down and said enough was enough as I was broke all the time and she wasn't really contributing at all.....

I still have to get at her and it takes an age and also since 2011 to try get her to be in same bank for transfers but she won't change and goes at it old school way so has to go into bank to transfer or take out cash and then go to my bank..... It's a pain in the hoop....


I can see what could happen is she wants closer, your hit with more debt and pay for it all and honestly the saddest part is that she could end up taking most of it which I believe is a joke....

jimbobaloobob

Tell her to get to work organising her finances and a meeting with a financial advisor they will set her straight on what she can afford on her income

That might set her straight on whose affording her life style.
qui porte le pantalon!!

meeeeh

I would be very careful about committing to a person like that. I agree with those who suggested to ask for proper contribution and to stay where you are. But the fact she is complaining she is too far from family and friends living 13km away points to a certain dependency and reluctance to grow up. Never mind the different preferences, you are the only adult in the relationship.

jlm29

I’m assuming from the OP (part time job etc) that she wants you to sell your house and buy another house.... or does she want you to sell your house and then jointly buy another house, with a deposit she and you will equally contribute to, and then both of you will pay the mortgage??
If it’s the former, then I’d show her the door. If it’s the latter, that’s a bit different and less unreasonable. 13km isn’t a lot. But if she can’t see herself settling down in your house, and if she’s always going to feel that it’s your Houde, and if she can contribute, then it’s something that needs to be seriously considered

punisher5112

jlm29 wrote: »

I’m assuming from the OP (part time job etc) that she wants you to sell your house and buy another house.... or does she want you to sell your house and then jointly buy another house, with a deposit she and you will equally contribute to, and then both of you will pay the mortgage??
If it’s the former, then I’d show her the door. If it’s the latter, that’s a bit different and less unreasonable. 13km isn’t a lot. But if she can’t see herself settling down in your house, and if she’s always going to feel that it’s your Houde, and if she can contribute, then it’s something that needs to be seriously considered

I very much doubt she is going to come up with any contribution of funds.....

The thing, you know that thing between the eyes or slightly above you know the thing that helps do stuff...... That's says oh hell no

beauf

bosespeaker wrote: »

Hey everyone,

I'm looking for some advice on an issue that has been ongoing with my partner and I for a few years.

.....

Your issue isn't the house in fairness. It's that the relationship is unbalanced as it's presented here. The house just highlights this unresolved issue. But there's way too little information to really give advice.

The example that distance could be nothing in the country. In a city it's massive. No context.

punisher5112

If she doesn't drive I'd somewhat understand especially if there were no transport links but we both had a decision to make.... Buy in Dublin and not in a great place or move out a few counties away from all our family but that's exactly what we chose and we love it here, much more relaxed lifestyle and yes we have to commute but we can live with that and have a bigger home and more space around us including close to the beach......

Wasn't a hope in hell been close to beach in Dublin.....

Daved_XB

I'd agree with her & say yes... YOU should buy a house exactly where you want. Once she has done that then you can look to move in with her rent free & rent out your own house to get a bit more income for yourself.

Darc19

Non recoverable costs of moving house

Estate agents fee - circa €5,500 Inc vst
Legal fees - circa €3,000
Removal fees - circa €1,500


Then the time it consumes

Then the reapplying for a mortgage.

Then the cost of the assumed requirements of new furnishings.

All in all about €20,000 in time and money.



Her contribution = €0

unhappys10

Oh there should definitely be a move... Her moving out and as far away as possible.
Red flags all over the place, she sounds like a leech.

El Gato De Negocios

No offence OP but she sounds like a right cheeky yoke. Imagine the neck of her demanding YOU sell YOUR house, that she doesn't have any stake in, to move closer to HER family.

Behaviour like this is a massive red flag. I'd be seriously considering the long term viability of the relationship tbh.

Irishphotodesk

OP.... How long are you both together?
How long are you both living together ?
Any kids ?

The answers for the above questions will shed some light as to her "right" to half of the property.

If you are a partnership, you tend not to consider the financial side of things as long as bills are paid and life is ok, if you are conscious of the financial side of things I would suggest you may be better off learning to accept inequality or ending the relationship.

My wife purchased before we got together, so even to this day (over 10yrs later) she still refers to it as my house, she tells how hard she saved etc, fast forward to 5-6yrs after she purchased and I had moved in, she took redundancy (and has no significant income since)... We had kids... So for the past 5+ years... I have paid for everything... It's part of being together, it's part of being a partnership, it's part of being a family.

If you feel you partner could contribute more, by all means tell her you need more financial support from her, especially as she has given you the opportunity by suggesting you both find a new "home" ...
Discuss the possibility of both purchasing together, discuss costs required, explain to her that your first time buyer status is gone, work out a plan to start building money to pay for everything, check if she wants to contribute everything 50:50 (this could be the tipping point), if she is willing to contribute to the savings or just assume your property is half hers or will be used to pay deposit for next mortgage, there are a lot of hidden expenses to pay (as you know), so if she is serious about a property together try to build a pot to pay for the surveys, solicitor fees etc... This will show where her willingness is (or. Is she willing to contribute everything she has or does she expect that because you earn more you will pay more)

Best of luck OP, it is a tricky situation to be in .... Can you see yourself getting married and having kids to her ... These are things that will also cost a massive chunk of any "new home" fund....and will change focus on what's important.

TheW1zard

Wow!

Hiitsme

Do you ever watch Judge Judy ? What you are providing here is a major mistake. I agree with all the other posters. You are being taken advantage of. She is living in your home rent free. She isn't contributing 50% to any of the utility bills. And she is now calling the shots! You are leaving yourself wide open to legal problems down the line. Please protect yourself and protect your investment.

SusanC10

How long ago did she move in, OP?
Do you want to marry her or for this to be a long term relationship?

I would get some legal advice so you understand where both you and she stand in relation to your house.

LillySV

Simple advice for you... get rid of her! Imagine how bad and ungrateful she be once married .... don’t do it to yourself , plenty more fish in the sea

diceyreilly

Most likely wants her name on a house and you to pay for it.
Just say no if you don’t want to move.

TheW1zard

She'll take half of your gaff now if you dump her!
Better off doing what she says

Tork

How long is she moved in?

punisher5112

I always tell the wife it's hers....

Not lying....

lunamoon

How does she plan on paying for the new house or is she just expecting you to buy it?

MissShihTzu

Girlfriend knows a sweet deal when she sees one. She's got herself a nice little number, living rent-free, working part-time, only her car to pay for and no bills. If she were still living at home, I'd bet her Mum would ask for FAR more in keeps than she (isn't) paying you!

13km is only 8 miles. I live 400 miles and another country away from my family and friends. You know how I keep in touch? There's several brilliant inventions, namely, the phone, WhatsApp, Snapchat and the internet to name a few. There's also the possibility of family and friends coming to visit HER. Did she ever consider that?

I don't know the lady, but she sounds spoiled, self entitled, self indulgent and lazy. All very unattractive traits. A woman should always have her own independence.

I would be looking to get legal advice and a rent agreement drawn up like yesterday! You need to protect yourself, OP. And DO NOT entertain the idea of moving unless and until she comes to the table with equal cash. If Girlfriend can't do that? Keep it moving - Without her!

bitofabind

Why are you with this woman? What does she bring to the table?

Tork

I'm going to jump to a conclusion here so forgive me if I've got this wrong. You saved by yourself for a long time to buy this house and bought it on your own. It implies that you were single for a long time. Did you have many girlfriends before your partner came along? I'm wondering are you tolerating this behaviour from her because you know no better or because you're glad that somebody was willing to be your girlfriend?

Something else to think about is what life would be like if you were to accede to her wishes and move. What is her family like? Would they be the sort of people who would intrude or cause problems for you? Living that close to someone else's family isn't for everyone.

Dog day

Hi OP, I’m seconding many posters here.

It’s really time to take a good honest look at the blatant imbalance in this relationship. Granted, there are two sides to every story but at the moment it very much appears that you are being fleeced by this woman. I won’t even get on to the absolute abhorrent cheek of her to be making any complaints whatsoever in terms of the location of your home which she seemingly contributes very little to. The house you presumably worked hard to purchase.

Why are you putting up with this?

Please step back, take stock & seriously consider the calibre of this person.

qwerty13

I’m possibly being harsh here - but you describe her as your partner, which to me means an equality, we’re both in it together kind of thing.

However, your ‘partner’ does not remotely pay her way, wants you to give up something you worked hard for and are happy with, so that she doesn’t have to drive a short distance to see her family and friends. That’s not partnership. That’s demanding, and feeling that her wishes take priority over yours.

What is she bringing to the table financially, or relationship-wise?