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ugly argument today don't know what to do

  • 22-04-2020 12:53pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭


    Today I really need help. I got into an argument with my husband and it resulted in me having a bloody nose.

    I don't know exactly how it happened but we were arguing and I lifted my hand up and he pushed my arm and my hand smashed into my face with enough force to make my nose bleed immediately. My nose is still sore several hours later. I took pictures of this but I'm too ashamed to send it to my mother or to my friend.

    My husband said it was an accident.

    He said he thought I was going to smack him and so he pushed my hand. I told him that I was going to call the police and he said that he will just blackmail me about things I have done in the past.

    Because my nose started bleeding I punched him in the back; however, I'm not very strong and what good would it do.

    Hmmm... I don't know what to think or how to feel.
    So how did this argument start?

    Yesterday my sister in law came into our house unannounced and started complaining to me about our 5 year old daughter and her behavior. Things haven't always been positive with my in-laws and sometimes things have been downright ugly. This was very hard for me and upset me. I tried to talk to my husband about this and it just resulted in an argument.

    I have been dealing with a lot of other things in my life as well:

    - I have issues at work
    - we are in full lock down due to COVID and have to work at home. Sometimes it's really stressful working remotely as I can't see what my colleagues are doing. There is also a very incompetent colleague that I work with and it frustrates me as he doesn't retain information. It's causing issues on the project that I'm working on.
    - my kids are both home from school and are completely bored out of their minds and are acting out more yet I'm expected to work at home
    - this year I found out that my deadbeat father kept me a secret from his family for 30+ years; it's been really emotional for me and I'm dealing with that
    - I live very far away from anyone close to me and I'm isolated

    So after a long and stressful day working at home my sister in law comes into my house and starts complaining about my daughter and criticizing.She's! She's bored out of her mind because she's not in school and she's confused. This lockdown where I live is really hard on kids. I simply cannot cope with my inlaws being so intrusive and unreasonable.My inlaws are not even supposed to come around due to COVID but they do anyways.

    When I talked to my husband about it he immediately says things like:
    - it's my fault that my daughter acts like that
    - he wants to lash out at me for complaining about his disabled sister (what's her disability got to do with this issue?)
    - he doesn't care that I can't cope with his sisters; he says I'm just too sensitive
    - he accepts that his family interferes with our lives and is OK with it but I'm not
    - his opinion about what is going on is more important than my feelings
    - he has more consideration for his family than he does for me

    I've already tried to get him to go to marriage counseling in the past but he won't go because he doesn't want to get a babysitter for the kids.

    I'm the breadwinner of the family.I have nowhere to go or to stay. I also don't know how to drive.


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 110 ✭✭Hintel


    I don't see how you can rescue this marriage if he assaulted you and threatened to blackmail you then

    I would talk to a close friend first imo


  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators Posts: 17,566 Mod ✭✭✭✭Henry Ford III


    What was your in-law doing calling to your house? Social distancing etc.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    What was your in-law doing calling to your house? Social distancing etc.

    My in-laws don't care. They come over anyways.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    chris525 wrote: »
    My in-laws don't care. They come over anyways.

    Why didn't you refuse to let them in?

    Not having a go, just wondering if you had flat out refused what the outcome would have been?


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    Okay, for a start and I want to make this completely clear: I'm not looking at this from an "X is right so Y is wrong" standpoint, so don't take anything I say as 'siding' with your husband, or you either for that matter. From that one post alone I can tell you both instantly jump into victimisation and dramatics to 'prove' who's to blame for everything: you finished your opening paragraph by trying to sway us by saying he'd given you a bloody nose, he felt the need to add that his sister has a disability etc. You both seem to look for the worst possible version of the truth to basically try and prove the other person is horrible, it's childish tbh and not how you deal with conflict successfully, so no wonder you're at each other's throats.

    On the bloody nose: as soon as you worded it the way you did, I was suspicious. And when I read your account of things, to tell the truth his version sounds more credible. "I don't know exactly what happened/I lifted my hand up". Well it actually does sound like you went to hit him and he blocked you from doing so...then you removed doubt for me there when you admitted you actually did then punch him. If he'd have hit you, you wouldn't have had to word it so delicately and just said it. But you wanted to manipulate the story so we all reacted as if he hit you, when actually you seemed like the violent one in this scenario.

    OP if you the goal here is to save your marriage then you and your husband need to remind yourselves why you want that to happen then learn to communicate properly. The victim's mentality you're both demonstrating is no good (and a horrible example to set for children), the pair of you need to learn how to take responsibility and be accountable for your actions and work together to find a resolution.

    There's not much anyone can do for you here, or at least as far as I'm concerned, until you do that. So do you want to re-write that post honestly, take responsibility for the things you're responsible for, then we can give a better assessment of your situation? This is so one-sided and the attempt to lay blame so transparent that it's impossible to tell what's even true and what you're keeping from us so we don't question your own actions, and if we're not dealing with a fair, truthful account of your situation then all this thread is good for is you having a vent. Also worth considering and adding here is what end result you'd like from all of this?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,310 ✭✭✭SAMTALK


    OP I found it strange when you said you took a photo but were too ashamed to send it to your mother or friend

    It's sounds like you are being a little dramatic . It seems that the 2 of you thrive on arguments ( correct me if I'm wrong),
    and straight away your thoughts were to send a photo, contact guards and his reply was blackmail.

    Is there a history of this carry on or is this a once of episode ?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Why didn't you refuse to let them in?

    Not having a go, just wondering if you had flat out refused what the outcome would have been?

    I was busy cleaning up the dinner table after the kids and I didn't even notice that they had come in until it was too late. I'm afraid of conflict from them. They can be scary.


  • Registered Users Posts: 126 ✭✭FitzElla


    I'm not sure I agree with the posts above who think you are being dramatic or somehow untruthful. Personally I think once a relationship starts to involve physical violence, regardless of who or what or how it was caused, it should be sounding giant red alarm bells. A lot of people are struggling with the lockdown and the increased tension at home, but that doesn't excuse an argument getting so out of hand that someone ends up with a bloody nose.

    OP you to think about whether you want to save your marriage with your husband or not. And then think about what effect both your actions are having on your children. There are clearly deep problems in your relationship and if your husband is not willing to work on them there only seems one course left to you. You need to talk to someone first, whether a friend or someone professionally, and figure out what you want to do next.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,118 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    Tempers fray easily in this lockdown when everyone is cooped up at home, anxious and frustrated. Sounds like your all getting on each others nerves which is understandable.

    You went to hit him and he pre-emptively defended himself, perhaps a bit too forcefully but he has a right to deflect a blow he sees coming. You admit you did hit him after that so I'm guessing you have form with this kind of physical reaction. The fact your small doesn't make it ok. The point is, it doesn't sound like he intentionally hurt you or purposely hit you. Regardless, you took photos. This sounds like your looking to make him out to be the villain and make it sound far more serious than it actually is.

    The issue with his sister calling over is she shouldn't. You have every right to turn her away according to lockdown guidelines. I get her comments about your daughter were tactless and insulting but in the circumstances I think you have to pick your battles. You'll have to put your foot down about her visiting by reminding your husband it's not allowed to have visitors at the moment. Leave her comments out of it, as it seems to only rub him up the wrong way.

    There's not much you can do about the kids being bored and working from home being stressful, it's just the way things are at the moment. Try to relax and unwind a bit, try not to let it get on top of you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    It’s your responsibility to ensure that only your own household come into your house.
    You let your husbands sister in when you shouldn’t and then you let her complain about your child without even asking her to either keep her opinion to herself or leave.
    I don’t think your husband intentionally hit you. I think you both raised your hands.
    I think you threatened him with the Gardai and I think in return he said that if you wanted to involve the Gardai then he could tell them a thing or two about you.
    This is not the same as him threatening to “blackmail” you.
    Every five year old in the country is bored and acting out but the parents have to be proactive in managing the situation. That is your job as parents.
    Your bad relationship with your father can not be used by you as an excuse for you to not act like an adult. You are a parent. Act like one.
    You are trying to put all of the blame for this row on your husband and not take any responsibility yourself. Sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    Tempers fray easily in this lockdown when everyone is cooped up at home, anxious and frustrated. Sounds like your all getting on each others nerves which is understandable.

    You went to hit him and he pre-emptively defended himself, perhaps a bit too forcefully but he has a right to deflect a blow he sees coming. You admit you did hit him after that so I'm guessing you have form with this kind of physical reaction. The fact your small doesn't make it ok. The point is, it doesn't sound like he intentionally hurt you or purposely hit you. Regardless, you took photos. This sounds like your looking to make him out to be the villain and make it sound far more serious than it actually is.

    The issue with his sister calling over is she shouldn't. You have every right to turn her away according to lockdown guidelines. I get her comments about your daughter were tactless and insulting but in the circumstances I think you have to pick your battles. You'll have to put your foot down about her visiting by reminding your husband it's not allowed to have visitors at the moment. Leave her comments out of it, as it seems to only rub him up the wrong way.

    There's not much you can do about the kids being bored and working from home being stressful, it's just the way things are at the moment. Try to relax and unwind a bit, try not to let it get on top of you.

    There isn't much you can do

    My husband said he doesn't care about the lockdown at all. He thinks the government has some kind of conspiracy theory and will not turn her away and not comply.

    I am afraid of the conflict.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    splinter65 wrote: »
    It’s your responsibility to ensure that only your own household come into your house.
    You let your husbands sister in when you shouldn’t and then you let her complain about your child without even asking her to either keep her opinion to herself or leave.
    I don’t think your husband intentionally hit you. I think you both raised your hands.
    I think you threatened him with the Gardai and I think in return he said that if you wanted to involve the Gardai then he could tell them a thing or two about you.
    This is not the same as him threatening to “blackmail” you.
    Every five year old in the country is bored and acting out but the parents have to be proactive in managing the situation. That is your job as parents.
    Your bad relationship with your father can not be used by you as an excuse for you to not act like an adult. You are a parent. Act like one.
    You are trying to put all of the blame for this row on your husband and not take any responsibility yourself. Sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear.

    Yeah, you are right. Our marriage isn't strong enough to manage these things. I'm not strong enough to do it.

    I told him that he has to talk to his sister and if he doesn't i will. it could be the end of everything though.


  • Registered Users Posts: 533 ✭✭✭chuck eastwood


    chris525 wrote: »
    My husband said he doesn't care about the lockdown at all. He thinks the government has some kind of conspiracy theory and will not turn her away and not comply.

    I am afraid of the conflict.

    So much about this seems suspect. But to the bones of this issue, why did you raise your hand to him and is he not entitled to defend himself. Every thing about your post seems toxic and dubious. You are both looking for ways to hang each other out to dry, you just shouldn't be together


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    chris525 wrote: »
    Yeah, you are right. Our marriage isn't strong enough to manage these things. I'm not strong enough to do it.

    I told him that he has to talk to his sister and if he doesn't i will. it could be the end of everything though.

    Are you saying confronting his sister could be the end of your marriage?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Are you saying confronting his sister could be the end of your marriage?

    It's possible. If I confront her and it doesn't go very well and she hurts me and my husband doesn't care... well... this could be it and the start of a very ugly custody battle


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,118 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    chris525 wrote: »
    It's possible. If I confront her and it doesn't go very well and she hurts me and my husband doesn't care... well... this could be it and the start of a very ugly custody battle

    If your marriage is that shaky maybe it's time to throw in the towel. Hard during a lockdown but you have to do what's healthiest.


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    chris525 wrote: »
    It's possible. If I confront her and it doesn't go very well and she hurts me and my husband doesn't care... well... this could be it and the start of a very ugly custody battle

    If your husband puts his sister over you and his children then it isn't much of a marriage. His loyalty should be to you and the kids, the fact he disregarded their health by letting her in shows a huge lack of respect. And that's before you get to everything else that happened. Maybe time apart would be good.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    eviltwin wrote: »
    If your husband puts his sister over you and his children then it isn't much of a marriage. His loyalty should be to you and the kids, the fact he disregarded their health by letting her in shows a huge lack of respect. And that's before you get to everything else that happened. Maybe time apart would be good.

    My husband just let another relative into the house. I didn't even notice because I'm upstairs on the computer. Maybe I should just tell the guards?


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,627 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    Your relationship sounds a mess.

    Physical violence is never acceptable.

    Are either of you without fault in this mess of a relationship? From reading your posts I don't think so.

    What are you going to do to make things better for the rest of your life and for your children's lives.
    Are you going to do this while you are together?
    Or do you need to start thinking about a relationship separate from each other?

    This cannot go on like this.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    chris525 wrote: »
    Yeah, you are right. Our marriage isn't strong enough to manage these things. I'm not strong enough to do it.

    I told him that he has to talk to his sister and if he doesn't i will. it could be the end of everything though.

    You are an adult parent. It’s your job to protect your family. You had to tell your husbands sister that she couldn’t come in to your house today. It’s not a responsibility you can delegate to your husband especially as he doesn’t believe that the quarantine is necessary. If he wants to leave the house if you do take responsibility then so be it. Let him leave. You can’t make someone stay if they want to go. I’m sorry to sound harsh but it’s time to grow up now.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    splinter65 wrote: »
    You are an adult parent. It’s your job to protect your family. You had to tell your husbands sister that she couldn’t come in to your house today. It’s not a responsibility you can delegate to your husband especially as he doesn’t believe that the quarantine is necessary. If he wants to leave the house if you do take responsibility then so be it. Let him leave. You can’t make someone stay if they want to go. I’m sorry to sound harsh but it’s time to grow up now.

    I'm grappling with working from home and some projects at work that my boss is counting on me for. As my husband isn't complying with the quarantine and he's the one minding the kids I don't know what to do - tell the guards?


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    OP now it sounds like you want to tell the Gardaí on your husband tbh. Second time you’ve brought it up unprompted.

    Talk to each other like adults. Stop this toxic “I’m not wrong you are” mess.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,316 ✭✭✭nthclare


    It's very easy to sort out someone who blackmails you, tell the guard's he's even making up lies about you which defies logic.

    Tell the guard's what he's saying, then they'll question him tell him to back off.
    If he doesn't he'll be charged, fck him.

    Dealing with this sh1t during lockdown must be horrific, you're as well go full throttle with him.

    It's a clear case, he hit you,you got a bloody nose.

    I suppose I've a thick skin and dealt with a female version of your husband, I was there before they were.
    Had all the duck's in a row.

    And walk away with your dignity


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    leggo wrote: »
    OP now it sounds like you want to tell the Gardaí on your husband tbh. Second time you’ve brought it up unprompted.

    Talk to each other like adults. Stop this toxic “I’m not wrong you are” mess.

    I've tried to tell him that we are on quarantine and he simply doesn't care. Even today I tried to tell him. He says its some kind of conspiracy BS.

    As I need to work from home I need someone to mind the kids - I can't do both. I'm upstairs on my computer trying to work and he lets in a relative downstairs without me even knowing. What can I do?


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    chris525 wrote: »
    I've tried to tell him that we are on quarantine and he simply doesn't care. Even today I tried to tell him. He says its some kind of conspiracy BS.

    As I need to work from home I need someone to mind the kids - I can't do both. I'm upstairs on my computer trying to work and he lets in a relative downstairs without me even knowing. What can I do?

    Where is this Gardai thing coming from though? That's not what the thread is about, you barely mentioned this in your first post. If it is then what does your bloody nose have to do with anything? OP it's like you're catching onto the one thing people are agreeing with you about and just ignoring the rest. We can't help you if this is going to be your attitude.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    leggo wrote: »
    Where is this Gardai thing coming from though? That's not what the thread is about, you barely mentioned this in your first post. If it is then what does your bloody nose have to do with anything? OP it's like you're catching onto the one thing people are agreeing with you about and just ignoring the rest. We can't help you if this is going to be your attitude.

    Some people on here said that my husband is willing to put his sister before the kids. Well he is by not respecting the quarantine. I've already talked to him about it and he won't comply. What am I supposed to do then?


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,799 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    chris525 wrote: »
    I'm grappling with working from home and some projects at work that my boss is counting on me for. As my husband isn't complying with the quarantine and he's the one minding the kids I don't know what to do - tell the guards?

    I think for the sake of your kids, yourself and your husband, put work on pause for an hour or two.

    I'm not clear whether your husband hit you or knocked your hand away? Is it the first time this has happened? You've gone straight to taking photos and talking of telling the gardai. Not saying that that's what you shouldn't do if you've been deliberately assaulted.

    I'm sure the nose bleed frightened you and it's awful that you were caused an injury. But if he won't go to counselling, how do you fix it? What do you want to do?
    Things are escalating with all couples I'm sure, but when they end up with one person suffering a nose bleed about it's a lot more serious.

    Is it possible to talk to him calmly? You need to put a stop to family calling. I'm not sure whether calling the gardai would help. It may inflame matters. Or a Garda calling to impress upon your husband the importance of staying at home might be the solution? Doesn't mean it will go down well between the two of you though.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    OP I know exactly what you want even though you don’t.
    You met this guy, and even though you could clearly see exactly what he was like, you got involved with him married him had children with him live with him and financially support him.
    And now you want somebody to come in and make him change who he is so that you don’t feel so unhappy all the time. That’s what you think the Gardai will do. Give him a fright, earn him and make him be nicer kinder and more caring towards you.
    Well, they won’t.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,310 ✭✭✭SAMTALK


    chris525 wrote: »
    I'm grappling with working from home and some projects at work that my boss is counting on me for. As my husband isn't complying with the quarantine and he's the one minding the kids I don't know what to do - tell the guards?

    You seem hell bent on calling the guards for anything .

    If someone comes to your house and your partner doesnt deal with it, pick up the phone and tell them they have to keep away.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 214 ✭✭chris525


    I think for the sake of your kids, yourself and your husband, put work on pause for an hour or two.

    I'm not clear whether your husband hit you or knocked your hand away? Is it the first time this has happened? You've gone straight to taking photos and talking of telling the gardai. Not saying that that's what you shouldn't do if you've been deliberately assaulted.

    I'm sure the nose bleed frightened you and it's awful that you were caused an injury. But if he won't go to counselling, how do you fix it? What do you want to do?
    Things are escalating with all couples I'm sure, but when they end up with one person suffering a nose bleed about it's a lot more serious.

    Is it possible to talk to him calmly? You need to put a stop to family calling. I'm not sure whether calling the gardai would help. It may inflame matters. Or a Garda calling to impress upon your husband the importance of staying at home might be the solution? Doesn't mean it will go down well between the two of you though.

    I tried to talk to him calmly about the family coming in and out of the house and he doesn't care. He disagrees with the quarantine and will not comply. He says he thinks it's BS.

    If I already tried to talk to him then I can't do much else. I'm not able to stop the family coming in all the time especially if my husband doesn't have my back on this and doesn't believe me.


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