Drug Use

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I know each other about 3 years. We are early twenties. We were together about 2 years and broke up for few months before we got back together. While we were together the first time he drank a lot at times and would occasionally take drugs. I am not really sure how often he took them but I know that he had a very bad turn once after taking MDMA and cocaine (that I witnessed).

After we got back together, maybe 6 months ago, he seemed to have changed a lot. He was drinking less and was being so nice and considerate to me. We were getting on so well.

I soon become aware that he often took cocaine on nights out. I have never taken it and wouldn’t ever want to try it. If people want to that’s their own business. I overlooked this because I didn’t think it was a big deal to take it out on nights out. I told him that it made me uncomfortable for him to be doing it. He reassured me that he was only doing when he was out and wouldn’t do it with me around.

A few weeks later we went out and he must have taken something. He just upped and left the pub. Leaving me in town on my own. We had a big fight but it blew over.

Fast forward another few weeks which was just before lockdown was announced. I was at his (family) house having a drink with him, and he told me he had taken zanex. I didn’t like this but with everything going on with the pandemic I didn’t say much. A few days before this I had met him to go for a walk and later found out that he had had a line of coke before going for the walk. Again with everything going on with the pandemic I just left it off. But I did tell him I didn’t like it.

Before this I only thought he took it on nights out, but finding out that he is taking it during the day is very concerning. I told him I didn’t approve. He told me there’s nothing wrong with it and he is just relaxing while he is currently off work due to the virus. Since I found this out I have had so much anxiety and worried about what I am getting myself into and if he gets addicted. I really don’t think that he had been taking it so much before the last few weeks.

I have gone through a lot with him but I really feel this is the last straw even though I love him very much. Am I overreacting? Would I be right to break up with him?

We had a huge fight today. He said he would not be told what to do and that I was paranoid and uptight. He blamed me for the fight and told me he was tired of me etc. I told him I couldn’t be around him doing drugs and he didn’t seem bothered. Obviously taking drugs is more important than this relationship. I asked him not to do them around me and he said I wouldn’t be as worried if I witnessed how calm he is firsthand. I just don’t want to be around drugs.

Xterminator

actions speak louder than words. End the relationship, block him and move on.

hitching your life to his will cost you your future and god fobid you had a child with this person!!

helimachoptor

He's a junkie. Line of coke before going for a walk, xanex with his folks.. Dump him now.

Abba987

Run. Jesus dont be putting up with this

meeeeh

Op you are only asking for opinion here because you don't want leave despite knowing that you have to. He doesn't want to change and your threats won't make him change. You are too young and have too much ahead of you to waste time with an addict.

leggo

This is the bad kind of standard, early warning sign behaviour from people who have drug problems, or addiction in general. It starts as either a thing of their past, then you realise it’s actually not in their past at all but they swear it’s not a big deal, he won’t do it around you until he does it around you, now the entire story has switched to he’s going to do it when he wants and you’re wrong for trying to tell him what to do.

Seriously, run now. I’d say this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better, but with addiction you’ve no guarantee it’s even going to get better. This doesn’t have to be your life but your boyfriend is communicating that, if you’re with him, it will be. You’re young, don’t let this fool waste some of the best years of your life.

Tokyo

Confused2020 wrote: »

We had a huge fight today. He said he would not be told what to do and that I was paranoid and uptight. He blamed me for the fight and told me he was tired of me etc. I told him I couldn’t be around him doing drugs and he didn’t seem bothered. Obviously taking drugs is more important than this relationship. I asked him not to do them around me and he said I wouldn’t be as worried if I witnessed how calm he is firsthand. I just don’t want to be around drugs.

You've answered your own question, OP. Move on.

Get Real

If this were a different scenario, applying to a couple married with kids/mortgage/together 20years, I'd advise working on it/counseling/addiction services.

You're with him 3 years, with a break up somewhere in there. End it now. Plenty of men out there for you. Willingly getting tied up in this is not best for you, or for him.

You're only finding out a few centimeters below the iceberg now. If you commit to this relationship it will take a much further fall before it gets better. If it gets better.

Imagine being with him 6 years, it's now unbearable, and you've wasted even more time.

You're not his priority at the moment. Don't make him yours. I know that sounds tough.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone who replied. I know it is the right thing to break up with him. He told me I was overreacting and it wasn’t a big deal, but this is not normal behaviour. I think he wants to break up with me too because he knows I will never agree to this lifestyle.
At the same time I feel guilty because I feel like I am abandoning him. He has had a lot of problems, more so with drink, that he really appeared to be getting under control. I have tried to help him always and can’t wait around anymore. This is just too much.

leggo

You aren’t there to fix him and you actually aren’t qualified to fix him either. There are support groups for partners of addicts too, I’m not saying you need to go to one but look into their literature sometime and you might find it illuminating. You’ll see stuff like partners become almost addicted themselves to trying to fix the problem and catch the other person out, then your brain starts creating reasons to stay or guilting you when you make the sane decision to leave. It’s extremely unhealthy and is almost certainly going to end with you just breaking your heart repeatedly. Get out while you can. This is not how relationships that work play out.

jlm29

Confused2020 wrote: »

Thanks everyone who replied. I know it is the right thing to break up with him. He told me I was overreacting and it wasn’t a big deal, but this is not normal behaviour. I think he wants to break up with me too because he knows I will never agree to this lifestyle.
At the same time I feel guilty because I feel like I am abandoning him. He has had a lot of problems, more so with drink, that he really appeared to be getting under control. I have tried to help him always and can’t wait around anymore. This is just too much.

He’s not getting his drink problem under control. He’s just swapping it for another substance and telling himself (and you) that he is

Big Bag of Chips

Oh, OP. I felt so sad reading your post and got a real sense of déjà vu. My brother in law was an addict. It started out exactly as you've described your bf. I say "was" an addict, not because he recovered, but because he died recently. Because of drink and drugs. Mostly cocaine.

In his early 20s he was very heavy drinker. Nights out started involving cocaine. Then nights in started involving cocaine. His gf, who became his wife, and eventually became his ex wife had pretty much exactly the same conversations you have. He would alternate between being sorry and promising to change to blaming her.

They had two children. She thought at every step that he'd grow up and settle down. He never did. She left many times and always went back. When she eventually left he blamed her for ruining his life.

He died a month ago. In a homeless hostel. He had been in a residential treatment centre and was doing good but the pull of cocaine and drink was too strong.

Nobody ever really thinks it will come to their door. But it is at your door. He isn't in danger of turning into an addict. He IS an addict. Taking cocaine in the middle of the day, before going out for a walk is so far from normal or acceptable. It doesn't matter what anyone here advises you. You will have to come to the decision yourself. You feel like you and he are invincible. All I can advise you is to be cautious. Read up on living with an addict and see if any of it rings true for you.

He will lie. He will blame everyone and anything. He will find reasons and excuses to take cocaine. He will minimise it. He will hide it or deny it. And even though you feel you can't "abandon" him, what you really need to realise is you can't "save" him. Your have no control over him, and he has no control over an addiction.

Read up. Think long and hard. My friend started out like you. Early 20s. Whole life ahead of her. She then spent the next 18 years dealing with an addict. And she eventually had to bring her 2 young children to their dad's funeral.

zerosugarbuzz

I really hope you take everyone’s advice and move on and don’t go back no matter what he says or does. I think we all know a horror story regarding getting involved with someone in addiction, don’t become yet another of these stories for others to talk about.

Batgurl

You’re more worried about his problems and fixing him.

But when you admit to him you have a problem with his drugs, he has no interest in your problems or fixing them.

Why are his problems more important than yours?

You need to work on improving your self confidence and self worth. You deserve to be happy; whether that is with someone who doesn’t have these problems or alone.

In my experience, if you can conquer being happy alone, self content in your own company, you’ll never have the problem of being too afraid of leaving a man.

Big Bag of Chips

Batgurl brings up a very valid point. And if you end up sticking this out and eventually going to either Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, the one thing you will have to address with yourself is why you accepted unacceptable behaviour in your relationship. Addiction is inherently selfish. He is only thinking of himself and doing whatever it takes to continue doing what he wants to do. He is now training you to also allow him to do what he wants to do. He is doing this by undermining your gut instinct on this. He is telling you you are overreacting. It's no big deal etc. And you are starting to accept that. You are starting to doubt your own feelings. What you have always felt to be unacceptable in a relationship is now being sold to you as acceptable. And if you don't accept it that YOU are somehow the one in the wrong.

Addicts usually end up in relationships with compliant, "soft" partners. Because anyone who valued themselves highly enough would walk away. If this relationship persists, and when you eventually end up looking for support for yourself, that is something you will have to address. Support in the form of Al-Anon or Nar-Anon is not there to change the behaviours of the addict. It's to change the behaviours of the enabling partner.

LegacyUser

Thank you for that story. It’s a real eye opener and so sad.

I feel now I will have no choice but to break up with him. I was often paranoid going out at night with him because I thought he would be taking something. But never did I imagine he would be doing in during the week while he was at home. I can’t be paranoid every time I meet him that he is on something. If I stay it will just lead to stress, lies and arguments. He is a very stubborn man. He believes 100% that he doesn’t have a problem. He says he can take it or leave it but in three years, and spending an awful lot of time together, I have never known him to take it during the day. Why is he just starting now? Maybe he was doing it all along? But why would he just start telling me about it now? My head is wrecked thinking about it.

He told me I was unreasonable when I said if we lived together I would not want him doing drugs in my home. He said he could never relax in his own house if he lived with me. and God help whoever ends up with me because I am a “dictator”. This tells me there will be no intention of him stopping and no compromise. I am wasting my time.

I feel really stupid because I am wondering if this was constantly going on and I never noticed? I don’t think it was though, and I have noticed a huge change in his personality in the last few weeks. I also feel so genuinely sad for him because he is a nice person. He’s actually intelligent and he could have so much potential. It would be heartbreaking to see him fall into addiction.

Do ye think I should make his family aware of the extent of this? They are not people who take drugs. I am very close to his sister and have had a lot of conversations with her about his problems in the past. I feel worried if something happens to him and they found I out knew what he was doing and said nothing? Especially as this is going on in their family home and they probably don’t even know it. Maybe they could try and get him some help?

LegacyUser

Yes I think you are both right. I have been too complacent with him for too long. He has always talked me around. But this is too serious and I cannot go along with it.

Honestly I think I am kind of insecure. I do need to work on self confidence and definitely take some time to be on my own after this!

Big Bag of Chips

His family know. They might not acknowledge it yet, but they know. No drink/drug addict has ever been that good that they've been able to hide it. If you are close to his sister, you can tell her why you are breaking up, but they are as powerless over him as you are.

Everything he is saying to you echoes what my brother in law used to say to his wife. When cocaine use started getting out of hand (taking it sitting at home, drinking) he'd promise her he'd stop. Then that would change to he'd take it occasionally, like on a stag night. Then that would change to a night out, until eventually (pretty quickly) he was back to sitting up all night drinking and taking it. She would get up in the morning with 2 small children and he would go to bed. She'd then be stressed searching the house in case he left some lying around and the kids could pick it up.

You do become obsessed with the addict. It's like an addiction in itself. You are obsessed with their behaviour. It consumes your life. Addiction is progressive. It gets worse. You are only early 20s and this already seems fairly bad. Walk away now while there's nothing tying you there.

Big Bag of Chips

Confused2020 wrote: »

Honestly I think I am kind of insecure. I do need to work on self confidence and definitely take some time to be on my own after this!

Saying "no more" will be the biggest confidence boost you can possibly give yourself. It doesn't matter what he thinks, or he believes. YOU have the right to make your own decisions on what you are happy, or not, to live with.

LuasSimon

Cocaine is causing some amount of grief in modern Ireland , neighbours daughter back living with them after her coked up boyfriend gave her a bad beating last weekend in their rented accommodation.

Jizique

LuasSimon wrote: »

Cocaine is causing some amount of grief in modern Ireland , neighbours daughter back living with them after her coked up boyfriend gave her a bad beating last weekend in their rented accommodation.

I’m sure the taxpayer is funding the rent through HAP; too much money for drugs has to be a big part of the problem

Big Bag of Chips

Jizique, your post is off topic and doesn't offer any advice to the OP. Due to the sensitive nature of Personal Issues, the forum is heavily moderated. Please read the Forum Charter before posting in Personal Issues or Relationship Issues again.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057235143

And just to add, cocaine use isn't limited to just social welfare/HAP recipients.

Batgurl

Confused2020 wrote: »

Thank you for that story. It’s a real eye opener and so sad.

I feel now I will have no choice but to break up with him. I was often paranoid going out at night with him because I thought he would be taking something. But never did I imagine he would be doing in during the week while he was at home. I can’t be paranoid every time I meet him that he is on something. If I stay it will just lead to stress, lies and arguments. He is a very stubborn man. He believes 100% that he doesn’t have a problem. He says he can take it or leave it but in three years, and spending an awful lot of time together, I have never known him to take it during the day. Why is he just starting now? Maybe he was doing it all along? But why would he just start telling me about it now? My head is wrecked thinking about it.

He told me I was unreasonable when I said if we lived together I would not want him doing drugs in my home. He said he could never relax in his own house if he lived with me. and God help whoever ends up with me because I am a “dictator”. This tells me there will be no intention of him stopping and no compromise. I am wasting my time.

I feel really stupid because I am wondering if this was constantly going on and I never noticed? I don’t think it was though, and I have noticed a huge change in his personality in the last few weeks. I also feel so genuinely sad for him because he is a nice person. He’s actually intelligent and he could have so much potential. It would be heartbreaking to see him fall into addiction.

Do ye think I should make his family aware of the extent of this? They are not people who take drugs. I am very close to his sister and have had a lot of conversations with her about his problems in the past. I feel worried if something happens to him and they found I out knew what he was doing and said nothing? Especially as this is going on in their family home and they probably don’t even know it. Maybe they could try and get him some help?

OP your response is a good start but it’s still a little concerning to me. You are revolving your entire exit strategy around him. Guilty because he made progress. Worried how it might affect him. Wondering if you should tell his family. I can guarantee you that so long as you do, you will still go back to him.

It’s admirable that you care about what happens to him but you want to be involved so that when they “fix” him, you hope he will come back to you.

Please please please start putting yourself first. Work on ways to make yourself happy.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of chips:
They are certainly aware he has had taken drugs. Whether they know he is doing while they are in the house I don’t know. I suppose it’s not my business now. You’re right I am almost obsessed at this stage. I have not stopped thinking about it since lockdown began and yesterday when I knew he was still doing it and was so arrogant about it, it kind of snapped me back into reality. He really had me thinking it was no big deal but the more I thought about it, it is dangerous and not normal.

Batgirl:
You are right. It frightens me. Things like this have happened before but never anything I would consider as serious as this. I always went back to him. I think because I love him and felt for him because of his problems and always believed he would try to change. But has shown no remorse about this. It’s what he wants to do and that’s it. I think I will have go totally wash my hands of him now. I have tried to help him time and time again but still he continues to act like this be it drink or drugs.

Big Bag of Chips

You are right, OP. He will do what he wants to do. It's the selfish nature of addiction. He will do what he wants, and whatever it takes to make sure he gets it. He will lose relationships, in time might lose jobs, friends etc if any of them interfere with what he wants to do. He will choose letting those things go rather than dealing with the actual issue.

My brother in law loved his children. I don't doubt that. But he let them go in favour of drink and cocaine. His wife couldn't make him change. In fact she bore the brunt of his anger and abuse if she ever dared to confront him. His children, his parents, his siblings, his friends. None of them had the power to make him change. We all knew the phonecall was going to come some day. We never really expected it though either.

His family will know more than you think they do. Whether or not they choose to face it head on or enable and ignore it is something that you have no control over.

You're early 20s. You have your whole life to live. Don't make yourself responsible for the actions of another. You are not qualified to "save" him. Especially seeing as he doesn't want to be saved.

Make sure you read up on addiction, and living with an addict. The only person you can save, is yourself.

LegacyUser

So I just rang him there and told him what I told him yesterday. I said that he has caused me a lot of stress over the years with drinking and now I can’t deal with the thoughts of him just doing coke whenever even during the day before he is about to meet up with me. Now I don’t believe that he just sits around taking it, because he is a hard worker. I just can’t understand why you would take it when you’re sitting at home on your own during the day. He said he is not an addict and doesn’t do it all the time. I said it’s a slippery slope especially because he had problems binge drinking and he said if he was going to get addicted he would be already. Then he said I was stupid, that I didn’t understand life. He told me that the next guy I meet will probably do coke too, and I will find fault with anyone and he feels sorry for them. He said that he is going to do well in life and if he wants to take coke “every now and again” he will. Then he said bizarrely that so what if he wanted to do it and if we lived together I would argue with him he brought the “boys” round.. He said that I will see him in a few years and realise how wrong I was and I will probably be alone because no one will put up with me.

He said he was tired of making an effort with me. His making an effort is just being nice and reliable really, because he was not that way before we broke up the first time. I do appreciate he has been a lot nicer. But isn’t that how a boyfriend should be? Nice??

He is just such a manipulator. I know that I am right and it’s not appropriate to be taking drugs like that. But now he has made me feel like I am overreacting. He told me if never wants to speak or see me again. I just feel so awful now even though I know in the long run this was the best thing to do.

Big Bag of Chips

You need to stay strong now, OP. He has said he never wants to see you or speak to you again. Good. That should make a break up easier. My guess is though he will flip flop between apologising and asking for another chance to blaming you. You need to be firm. Block him if you need to. Maybe in time he will sort himself out and he will be successful. But it will take a lot of change. And it's change that he's not prepared to make yet.

My bet is you'll see him in a few years time, and you will thank your lucky stars you got out when you did.

Edit: And yes, he is a master manipulator. Addicts generally are.

tea and coffee

You've done the right thing OP.
You're still young, You've walked away.. stay away!
Take some time of self reflection (with no guilt or blame) as to why you accepted that behaviour. Stay strong.

leggo

He seems like an absolute knob tbh and you’re well rid OP. Trying to put you down when you raise a valid point you’re right to be concerned with is such a nasty instinct, telling you nobody will put up with you is textbook abusive behaviour to try manipulate you into settling for less. Then don’t get me started on “I’m going to be successful” and all that crap, he doesn’t even sound likeable. Stay strong and you won’t miss the lad as time passes OP. I’d say you’ll look back and think more along the lines of “What was I thinking?” when you see how good relationships can be.

MissShihTzu

OP - When someone tells you who they are? Believe them.

I'm sorry to say, your boyfriend has no interest in you. He has no interest in a relationship. All he wants is the space to get off his head, without restraint or limits.

Break up with him, and don't look back. You are way too good for him. And you're too young to be dealing with this crap. You come across as a lovely and caring woman, who in time will find someone who deserves everything you have to offer.

You deserve better. Keep that as a mantra in your head.

LegacyUser

First of all thank you all so much for all your replies. You all gave such great advice and I know for sure now I was not overreacting. He is delusional and doesn’t see that this is a problem.

I can’t fix him, and I can’t say I haven’t tried. I can only be responsible for myself.

I have went back and forth with him for years. I was always so upset during these times. What has happened now is the last straw. I don’t feel upset now, I feel relieved. As much I loved him I don’t know why I allowed myself to go through so much turmoil. I will never let that happen again.

Faith

OP, you've had a really hard time with this guy and you've been through a lot. Well done for having the courage to start this thread, for taking the advice on board, and for realising it needs to end.

One thing caught my eye, and I just wanted to flag it:

Confused2020 wrote: »

I feel really stupid because I am wondering if this was constantly going on and I never noticed? I don’t think it was though, and I have noticed a huge change in his personality in the last few weeks.

The change in personality could represent an increase in drug use, certainly. Or it could represent an unwanted restriction in drug use. Is it possible that, pre-lockdown, he was taking drugs very regularly and is now finding them harder to get because of the lockdown?

I think the point I'm making is that, with drugs in the mix, you don't know who he really is. You'd always be second-guessing about which one is his real personality and which one is the drugged one.

Again, really well done for recognising how bad the situation was and taking action sooner rather than later

Gary kk

Just get out his lying through his teeth. No if or buts just get out.

leggo

Confused2020 wrote: »

First of all thank you all so much for all your replies. You all gave such great advice and I know for sure now I was not overreacting. He is delusional and doesn’t see that this is a problem.

I can’t fix him, and I can’t say I haven’t tried. I can only be responsible for myself.

I have went back and forth with him for years. I was always so upset during these times. What has happened now is the last straw. I don’t feel upset now, I feel relieved. As much I loved him I don’t know why I allowed myself to go through so much turmoil. I will never let that happen again.

That is exactly the right feeling you should be having now. Normally I worry when we see these posts in case someone goes back on it during a low moment, but OP you seem to be at the end of the road here and are going to be so much better for it. That takes real strength and maturity especially at such a young age, so well done you!

GooglePlus

God love him, he's ill and hopefully won't fall further into it but gets help instead.

The burden of that shouldn't be on your shoulders however, that's up to himself and closer family.

You're too young to waste your best years around that, move on and just hope the best for him.

The Bishop Basher

OP - I used to be exactly like your partner. He’s fooling himself when he says he doesn’t have issues but no one will be able to make him see that. He’ll have to come to that place himself, or not as the case may be. I’ve been off drugs for years now but just wanted to say everything that you’ve been told is 100% correct. You’ve made the right decision as you can only do what’s right for you and leave him to self destruct alone.

amdublin

Op, breakups are hard and no doubt you are going to feel it over the next while. But this one really is a no brainer.

Imagine what life would be like if you stayed with him? There is only one direction this is going and it ain't good!
You've tried to help him many times. You can only do so much.

One of the stories told by another poster struck me: the husband doing coke and then going to bed and the wife lying there worried or checking the house in case the kids found (and took!!!) drugs he left out.

Is that what you want in your life? You and your (future) kids deserve someone "nice" (your word). And you will get it. But not with this guy.

Stay strong over the next while op. I know it is hard with quarantine etc. Try stay occupied. Go out for walks. Watch tv. Read books. Post here if you need support. Talk to friends.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

OP, you've had a really hard time with this guy and you've been through a lot. Well done for having the courage to start this thread, for taking the advice on board, and for realising it needs to end.

One thing caught my eye, and I just wanted to flag it:



The change in personality could represent an increase in drug use, certainly. Or it could represent an unwanted restriction in drug use. Is it possible that, pre-lockdown, he was taking drugs very regularly and is now finding them harder to get because of the lockdown?

I think the point I'm making is that, with drugs in the mix, you don't know who he really is. You'd always be second-guessing about which one is his real personality and which one is the drugged one.

Again, really well done for recognising how bad the situation was and taking action sooner rather than later

Thank you!

As far I was concerned before lockdown I was with him a lot of evenings after work and one day during the weekend maybe two sometimes. I never noticed him acting any differently. He was in good spirits. I suppose when I think back there were signs when he stopped going to work. He always loved to drive, but he was asking me to drive a lot more recently. I never picked up on it. His company stopped working about two weeks before lockdown. I did notice some days after he stopped going to work he could get very moody, and he would keep talking about stuff, just about anything but he was so arrogant while he was talking he wasn’t usually like that.

Also he had lost weight recently, but his weight was always fluctuating. During the lockdown he said he wasn’t sleeping or eating much. He said it was because he had no routine. Obviously now it was something else. Worst of all he asked me to give him a substantial amount of money before I realised what was going on. He gave it back to me a few days later. He denies it was for drugs but I know now it must have been. He told me it was for a bill for his mother. Probably more lies.

I would say he is just bored now with no work and no where to go so he turns to that more so than before. He has also cut down on drinking a lot. He has swapped one for the other but he denies that too.

Thanks to the rest who have replied. Definitely the only one who can help him now is himself. I hope he will be alright in life. I couldn’t take another minute worrying was going to happen to him. This would take over my life too if I stayed.

Big Bag of Chips

It's good that you're teasing all this out here rather than trying to get answers from him. You won't get answers from him. And contacting him with questions or doubts about things he has said or done will just leave you open to him telling you all the things that are wrong with you. All the reasons why he's better off without you, and why you'll end up nothing without him!

Thrash it out here. You have lots of wise people at your disposal here who, unfortunately, have a lot of experience under their belts! Don't get sucked into discussion with him. It won't end how you imagine it to.

LegacyUser

Thanks Big bag of chips. Going on the way we have behaved before I think the only way forward now is to have no contact with him at all.

Actually looking on line now at signs someone has been using. An awful lot I can identify with him in the last few weeks. I never picked up on it. I don’t know how I was so blind.

AulWan

Confused2020 wrote: »

Since I found this out I have had so much anxiety and worried about what I am getting myself into and if he gets addicted.

If?

He's already addicted. Walk away.

leggo

Confused2020 wrote: »

Thanks Big bag of chips. Going on the way we have behaved before I think the only way forward now is to have no contact with him at all.

Actually looking on line now at signs someone has been using. An awful lot I can identify with him in the last few weeks. I never picked up on it. I don’t know how I was so blind.

It’s not something normal people are accustomed to looking for though. I remember I went out with someone with addiction issues and it was only when I listened to, of all things, a podcast with Sarah Jessica Parker talking about being with Robert Downey Jr while he was in the throes of addiction (and pre-Ironman that was ALL he was known for) how far gone they were. Another good gauge you can do to open your eyes is to look back at how advanced the lies are: detailed lies are probably practised and used before with others, and also show both how they knew they were lying and chose to do so anyway, also showing disrespect to you in the process.

It’s not a reflection on you at all though. It’s fair to expect honesty and take someone at their word, it’s a character failing on them that they can’t live their life in an acceptable way that they can do this basic requirement for a healthy relationship. If you ever feel weak and miss him, remember that then remember how he tried to turn this on you and insulted you in the process.

LegacyUser

I think if I ever miss him, I will have to think I am missing who he once was and not who he has now become.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders today. Still my heart goes out to him, I hope he’ll be ok and will get some help.

Danny2580

Nobody who has replied knows for sure if he's a "junkie", or an addict, or whatever else. Some people do drugs (heroin, coke, alcohol, weed, legal prescription drugs) and are able to compartmentalize it to the point where it is doesn't intrude on their day to day life too much. The majority, however, are not and nobody needs me to reiterate that they can cause serious damage in many ways. I personally don't look down on drug use any way, but I think when it comes to relationships it can be easier if you have roughly similar outlooks on these types of things.

I like a beer, but although I messed about in my younger years I've never had any real interest in what are termed hard drugs. Just not bothered. I was in a long term relationship with someone in my twenties who was very much into E's, coke, and all that scene. She had no issues maintaining a very good career and from what I know has progressed well in life.

That said, I got really, really bored of all the ****e associated with someone who chooses that lifestyle. Simple things like conflicting ideas of a good Saturday night out, or which hours of the day it was fun to be awake. There was no big drama, and to me neither of us was right or wrong, we were just in different places and the place she was in grew irrelevant to me and vice versa. Drugs can be good fun if you're on them, but are incredibly boring if they're not your scene. I think this is the perspective you have to catch a hold of. It shouldn't be about him; value yourself and realize that maybe you're bored. It's likely there's someone far more exciting and fulfilling out there for you. Wish him the best, don't bother staying friends beyond being polite, and don't waste time.

leggo

Danny2580 wrote: »

Nobody who has replied knows for sure if he's a "junkie", or an addict, or whatever else. Some people do drugs (heroin, coke, alcohol, weed, legal prescription drugs) and are able to compartmentalize it to the point where it is doesn't intrude on their day to day life too much.

That’s called being a ‘functional’ addict, and isn’t a reflection of how good/bad the person’s addiction is. There are several telltale signs of addiction, using in the day when there’s no actual social benefit is a surefire one. Plus the simple straightforward fact of him saying he wasn’t doing it anymore, or that he wouldn’t do it around her, then going back on all of that. You don’t even need to understand addiction there to know that’s the sign of a problem. If he’s doing a few lines before going out for a walk, it’s fair to tell the OP that she’s dealing with an addict and that her feelings that it’s not normal are valid. It’s his job to deal with it, but the OP knows what she needs to know and it’s easy to see these telltale signs creep in for anyone who’s been through it.

LegacyUser

Danny2580, I would have always had that kind of opinion about drugs myself. I knew he took it on nights out but I thought it was just occasionally and it didn’t seem to make any difference. A big issue is that as long as I’ve known him he had a problem with drink. I wouldn’t say an addiction, but most times when he drank he drank too much and there was always drama because he would just lose the plot. Just recently he got arrested because of his behaviour when he was drunk. He was constantly telling me he would cut down and stop going out causing drama. But he just never did really. His drinking has affected his life a lot in my opinion. Drinking I could get over.

Now that I know he is just taking coke in the middle of day for no reason I just can’t relax. I asked him to not do it around me, his reply was I will just go into the bathroom and do it. I can’t trust him.

He has cut down on drink, which I was so happy he was doing. Little did I think he he would replace it with drugs like that. Maybe he has it under control and is not addicted like he said, but I’ve never known him to be taking it so freely. He knows it upsets me when he does it. He told me very coldly that he can do what he wants. So I know where I stand really.

Anyone reading this must think why did she put up with that for so long. But he wasn’t just some junkie/alcoholic, he was a nice person with a lot of problems. I always stood by him because I wanted to help him and thought he could change. Things have taken a more serious turn now, and I know he won’t change. When we discussed drink before he always said he would at least try to cut down, and seemed some bit remorseful. When he talks about taking coke he is snappy, no way will he stop he doesn’t need to. I loaned him €400 a few weeks ago, he told me it was bills for his mother. He had never asked for money before and certainly never mentioned anything about his mother. I can only assume this was for drugs.

Danny2580

leggo wrote: »

That’s called being a ‘functional’ addict, and isn’t a reflection of how good/bad the person’s addiction is. There are several telltale signs of addiction, using in the day when there’s no actual social benefit is a surefire one. Plus the simple straightforward fact of him saying he wasn’t doing it anymore, or that he wouldn’t do it around her, then going back on all of that. You don’t even need to understand addiction there to know that’s the sign of a problem. If he’s doing a few lines before going out for a walk, it’s fair to tell the OP that she’s dealing with an addict and that her feelings that it’s not normal are valid. It’s his job to deal with it, but the OP knows what she needs to know and it’s easy to see these telltale signs creep in for anyone who’s been through it.

What you've said is very fair, leggo, and upon reflection it's reasonable to suggest there are red flag behaviours here.

With the benefit hindsight, if I was in my twenties in this type of situation again, I'd have moved on much sooner than I did.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I hope you have started to read up, for your own sake, on the behaviours of addicts and the progression of the addiction. Nobody goes to bed an occasional user and wakes up the next morning an addict. It is a gradual increase. A gradual need for that extra something.

My brother in law wasn't an addict at 19. He was a big drinker who "enjoyed" a few drinks. Much like you his drinking and eventual drug use became a problem for his wife long long before it became a problem for him. His drinking was having an adverse reaction on her and their relationship. But that wasn't a "problem" for him! He was "just having a few drinks". She was a nagging woman trying to ruin his fun! (Sound familiar?)

And on and on it went. He drank more. He took more drugs. He lost jobs. He owed money. She left and came back multiple times. He promised he'd stop. Then that would change to cut down. Then that would change to her trying to control him and he could do what he wanted (Sound familiar?!) Until she eventually left for good. And he progressed, worse and worse.

Most people do grow out of it. My brother in law's wife used to excuse it away that he was "young"! Until it couldn't be used as an excuse anymore. She realised he was never going to cut down, never mind stop. Your ex might turn his life around. But you certainly shouldn't wait around waiting for that to happen.

I hope you're doing ok. It can be a lot to take in when you finally realise what you've been dealing with, and what you (almost) got yourself caught up in.

Keyzer

Run for the Hills OP - if he was píssed out of his mind in the middle of the day no one would put up with him.

Witchie

I have to say OP, you are one strong young lady. I am so glad that you have had the courage to face up to this situation and say enough is enough.

Apart from all the drug use and lies, what really screamed out to me was his gaslighting. You were headed down a road of misery. I speak from experience. Your ex would have kept trying to convince you that you would have nothing without him and that you were unlovable but that he was your hero and the only one who could love you. He would have destroyed your soul and it would take years for you to come back from that.

You have dogged a big ould bullet. Well done. x

Chalk McHugh

Bloody heck. This geezer needed to do a few lines before going for a walk? Lucky he wasn't going for a run or he'd be beating the 4 minute mile Roger Bannister style!