In general, how trustworthy are you of men?

Let’s say you’re single and talking to a new man. Would it take a lot for you to trust him? Would he have to earn it over time? Or would you give him the benefit of the doubt?

I’ve always been a fairly trusting person in general, but I just came out of a bad relationship, and my trust is now shattered.

I know not all men are the same, but lately when I think about the behaviour I’ve seen exhibited by some of them, I wonder if they are less trustworthy than women? This is not a man bashing post, I’m just curious to hear others thoughts.

I also can’t tell if being disrespected and having my trust broken has skewed how I see men - this is very possible.

pwurple

Trust in what way?

Not to rob or attack you? Not to try something sexual? What does a bad relationship mean to you... it can range from violence to emotional incompatibility. When you say a new man, what does this mean? A fella in a dating app?

I think it’s fairly pointless to generalise a few billion people as having the same characteristics. I lean to the side of individualism.

So, I trust strangers the same amount until I know them a bit better. Men or women.

Airyfairy12

I used to be very trusting then I had a bad relationship and I was cheated on constantly and he was very abusive too. Constantly putting me down, spreading lies and had my self esteem in tatters, tbh I could have probably regained trust in men quicker after the breakup if it wasnt for seeing how his friends behaved on nights out. Some of these men id known since before going out with my ex and theyd made passes at me before but never realised what they were like until I got with my boyfriend and went on nights out with him and his friends.
They would sleep with anything and didnt care if they were in relationships or married. I remember one guy who had been with his girlfriend for nearly 10 years. She'd been with him through the death of his father and brother and was like his rock through out. From the outside they looked like the perfect couple. On nights out without her he'd chase after women, go home with women he wasnt attracted to and all of them were the very same. It was like a competition between them some nights to see who could get with the most women. They would talk and joke about their exploits, lie for eachother so their girlfriends and wives wouldnt find out.

There were also the women that knew my and my ex were together but didnt care, it was like a challenge to them to get with men who are married or in relationships. They loved the attention they got from unavailable men.

That said there were a few men in the group with girlfriends or married who wouldnt even look at another woman - they were few and far between, and that whole experience was eye opening to me. I always knew people cheated but in this case, it was all so calculated and callous. It completely broke my trust.
My mothers sisters have all been cheated on by their partners, husbands/ex husbands but in their case, I think they just married or settled down with the first man that came along and wanted to marry them. They were different times. But that also effected my view of men and relationships. It put me off the idea of relationships and marriages for a very long time.

The relationship I had definitely changed my whole perspective on relationships and men. For along time I didnt trust men at all and pretty much felt that all men cheat but those thoughts eventually subsided and leveled out. Im much more aware now, not half as trustful as I used to be and I still dont think you can ever truly know someone or what theyre capable of doing, people will cheat, theres no getting away from that but eventually got to the stage were I came to realise that there are some genuinely good people out there.
I have male friends that are so respectful of women and genuinely wouldnt cheat, they would be really against it and look down on people that behave that way. Ive dated men that I felt would be loyal no matter what, it wouldnt cross their mind to cheat. We broke up for different reasons but those experiences really helped in gaining some sort of trust back for men.

Also, keep in mind that women can be just as bad, my closest friend was with someone for 14 years, they were engaged and he did everything for her, he was so good to her but she couldnt help herself she was very controlling of him and constantly sexting other men, going home with gross men on nights out just because she could. Herself and her other friend have no problem sleeping with married men or men in relationships. As one of them put it, they like the control it gives them.

Cheating, being deceitful or abuse is a fact of life for some people unfortunately, doesnt mean everyone you have a relationship will cheat though. I strongly believe that lots of people are genuine, its just so easy to get sucked into the charm of untrustworthy people as they know how to manipulate.

I think its good to be aware that no everyone has your best interests but to also trust your gut.

Im not a big believer in counselling. I went a few times and gave it a good try but if you think its something that could work for you, even to just give you a place to vent about your experience then maybe thats something you should consider. Id just recommend focusing your attention on the men you know who dont cheat and seeing the good rather than focusing on the bad. Also, give yourself time to heal, it's a process.

This doesnt just relate to cheating. Ive just used that as one example, it can relate to lots of different behaviors

Kylta

Some people male/female with habitually cheat, some male/female will be true to each other forever. I find in most of the blaming threads the tendency is to blame the other sex in the demise of the relationship. Sometimes people need to look at their own part in the relationship. In regards to trust you can never really trust anyboby 100%.

lawred2

Self defeating way of looking at things OP.

Some people are trustworthy. Some are not. It's not a gender specific characteristic.

The J Stands for Jay

Am I naïve, or are some of the posters here unlucky? I've encountered serial cheaters in the past, but never friend groups composed of cheaters.

listermint

McGaggs wrote: »

Am I naïve, or are some of the posters here unlucky? I've encountered serial cheaters in the past, but never friend groups composed of cheaters.

Some people can habitually pick up or hang out with bad people tbh. Reading this is completely at odds to my life experiences. And I'm not naive to say stuff doesn't go on sometimes in relationships .

meeeeh

In general I trust people until they prove me wrong. I'm lucky because very few people abused my trust or disappointed me. That doesn't mean I'm not suspicious of people and let everyone near me. It just means I don't overly worry people I like will break my trust and I keep very business like relationship with everyone else.

Heres Johnny

McGaggs wrote: »

Am I naïve, or are some of the posters here unlucky? I've encountered serial cheaters in the past, but never friend groups composed of cheaters.

I'm male and I have 2 groups of friends, about 5 or 6 in each. When of the marrying age I was on all their stags. One group would all try to cheat and if it wasn't happening, got with hookers. Same on weekends away we went on. The other group didn't, they drank just as much but were faithful to their wives. Tried to chat up women but never tried to take it any further. Only thing I can think of is that in 2nd group they all knew each others wives and their wives were a circle of friends themselves.
I've a feeling if you dropped one of the 2nd group into a weekend away with the 1st group it might be a different story though.

pwurple

McGaggs wrote: »

Am I naïve, or are some of the posters here unlucky? I've encountered serial cheaters in the past, but never friend groups composed of cheaters.

I have seen it too, once. Not in my own group of friends, but distantly (a friend of my brother, his group, and I know one of them from another contact as well). The 5 or 6 of them treat people like dirt. New girl 3 nights of the weekend from tinder. Shag them apparently, ghost them, and onto the next. Not just around sex either, they walk out on restaurant bills. Don't pay suppliers.

Now, that's not in Ireland. I think that's a lot harder to keep up here, where everyone knows each other.

Factually speaking, I don't think gender and trustworthiness are related.

But I am human, and people are generally hard wired to identify patterns and make assumptions.

Based on my experiences, I definitely don't trust men as much as women, but I try to identify the bias and adjust for it. Especially since I've only been in relationships with men, the number of men who've hurt me is obviously going to be higher than the number of women, because men can get closer to me.

Regarding the cheating thing, I do think there's a factor of what's seen as socially acceptable within a group. I do think some circles of men are exposed to a heavy narrative both in real life and media of being expected to get with women* regularly, with everyone always big-talking about it. We've all seen TV shows or movies where 'getting her number' is treated like a social brownie-point. This stuff can snowball where guys are reporting all these stories back to each other, just making each other feel more and more like getting women into bed will enhance their social standing, and that to fail to do so is embarrassing. Eventually a hook up will turn into a relationship but the requirement/urge to keep chasing these achievements doesn't change. I mean, I've heard guys talk about banging women they didn't like, as though the woman should be ashamed of herself or something, while the guy somehow comes out of it with kudos.

I do think I probably had high exposure to the small percentage of not-great guys when I was younger. I was actively surprised when I met my boyfriend's group of friends - all lovely guys who treated their girlfriends really well and treated me like a friend.

*I've only seen this in groups of hetero guys so it's only really the man/woman situation that I can comment on.

Daisy78

Heres Johnny wrote: »

I'm male and I have 2 groups of friends, about 5 or 6 in each. When of the marrying age I was on all their stags. One group would all try to cheat and if it wasn't happening, got with hookers. Same on weekends away we went on. The other group didn't, they drank just as much but were faithful to their wives. Tried to chat up women but never tried to take it any further. Only thing I can think of is that in 2nd group they all knew each others wives and their wives were a circle of friends themselves.
I've a feeling if you dropped one of the 2nd group into a weekend away with the 1st group it might be a different story though.

I don’t get why a guy who was in a committed relationship or was about to be married would look to chat up women if they are not available and weren’t going to cheat? Is it an ego thing? Why waste women’s time like that, they sound like a head wreck.

Cutie 3.14

Daisy78 wrote: »

I don’t get why a guy who was in a committed relationship or was about to be married would look to chat up women if they are not available and weren’t going to cheat? Is it an ego thing? Why waste women’s time like that, they sound like a head wreck.

Interested to hear a mans take on this aswel..

pwurple

Daisy78 wrote: »

I don’t get why a guy who was in a committed relationship or was about to be married would look to chat up women if they are not available and weren’t going to cheat? Is it an ego thing? Why waste women’s time like that, they sound like a head wreck.

Boredom. Entertainment. Amusing themselves?

Don't see anything wrong with it, normalised in their social circle.

Airyfairy12

pwurple wrote: »

Boredom. Entertainment. Amusing themselves?

Don't see anything wrong with it, normalised in their social circle.

If they dont see anything wrong with it, why is then that when they get cheated on or their friend gets cheated on they act like theyve been hard done by?

Thats the part I dont understand.

pwurple

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

If they dont see anything wrong with it, why is then that when they get cheated on or their friend gets cheated on they act like theyve been hard done by?

Thats the part I dont understand.

That sounds incredibly specific.

Difficult to comment on the reaction of people we don't know.

acorntoast

From suspicious to cautious to trusting - but I have been lucky.