Husband had an affair

LegacyUser

I'm going unreg as I post regularly on here. So as the title says he had an affair. I got one of those free An Post postcards in the post and it told me all the details including a name. I confronted him - of course not. I confronted her - of course not. Then, as the days went by, the truth came out.

This isn't his first affair, he had one over two years ago, we spent 18 months in counselling, regularly at first then gradually less and less as things got better. I am beyond devastated again, all my hopes and dreams with him gone. We have no kids thankfully but we have a home. I love him and I tried so hard, and he did too to be honest, I just cannot believe I am here again.

I am 38 and now I am terrified I will be alone, this is scaring me I am not going to lie. Being stuck at home doesn't help, he still goes out to work thank God. I have a good job but everything I had went into this home. I don't know what to do. I am so afraid and feel so broken.

Thelonious Monk

You need to ask yourself why you're afraid of being alone when the other option is staying with someone who cheats on you.
I've had some of the best years of my life alone. So you can either stay with this guy and be miserable and feel worthless or get out of the situation and start a new life, you'll get over it eventually, everyone does.

hawley

Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.

numbandnumber

numbandnumber wrote: »

I'm going unreg as I post regularly on here. So as the title says he had an affair. I got one of those free An Post postcards in the post and it told me all the details including a name. I confronted him - of course not. I confronted her - of course not. Then, as the days went by, the truth came out.

This isn't his first affair, he had one over two years ago, we spent 18 months in counselling, regularly at first then gradually less and less as things got better. I am beyond devastated again, all my hopes and dreams with him gone. We have no kids thankfully but we have a home. I love him and I tried so hard, and he did too to be honest, I just cannot believe I am here again.

I am 38 and now I am terrified I will be alone, this is scaring me I am not going to lie. Being stuck at home doesn't help, he still goes out to work thank God. I have a good job but everything I had went into this home. I don't know what to do. I am so afraid and feel so broken.

You know yourself OP the signs are not good when he is cheating like that. How many others have their been.

Thelonious Monk

hawley wrote: »

Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.

This advice is so bad it's like you're taking the p*ss

hawley

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

This advice is so bad it's like you're taking the p*ss

I don't want to sidetrack this, not sure why you'd say that but it's obvious that the romance has gone out of the marriage and that she doesn't trust him. I'm entitled to give my point of view and am trying to help her.

Loveinapril

hawley wrote: »

Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume.

You must have a very low opinion of women if you think this can help rebuild a relationship damaged by infidelity.

OP, I really feel for you. You have had your heart broken by this man twice, no one deserves that. He has shown you now who he is so it is your choice on whether to believe that or not. You are worth more than what he is giving you. Please believe me when I say YOU WILL BE OKAY after this.

FFVII

Go to solicitor to sort out the house and then off with ya into the great blue yonder and don't think about the pr*ick ever again.

salmocab

hawley wrote: »

I don't want to sidetrack this, not sure why you'd say that but it's obvious that the romance has gone out of the marriage and that she doesn't trust him. I'm entitled to give my point of view and am trying to help her.

You think the romance and trust will come back with a bit of DIY and a new bracelet? Poster was right that’s just terrible advice, he’s done it twice and been caught twice he’s not just untrustworthy apparently he’s stupid too. OP needs to sort out moving on getting the most out of what they physically have.

theoldbreed

numbandnumber wrote: »

I'm going unreg as I post regularly on here. So as the title says he had an affair. I got one of those free An Post postcards in the post and it told me all the details including a name. I confronted him - of course not. I confronted her - of course not. Then, as the days went by, the truth came out.

This isn't his first affair, he had one over two years ago, we spent 18 months in counselling, regularly at first then gradually less and less as things got better. I am beyond devastated again, all my hopes and dreams with him gone. We have no kids thankfully but we have a home. I love him and I tried so hard, and he did too to be honest, I just cannot believe I am here again.

I am 38 and now I am terrified I will be alone, this is scaring me I am not going to lie. Being stuck at home doesn't help, he still goes out to work thank God. I have a good job but everything I had went into this home. I don't know what to do. I am so afraid and feel so broken.

I have no idea what to advise you I'm so sorry. All I can think is what a nasty way to find out, a postcard ffs.

Neyite

Obviously the counselling was a massive waste of your time and effort. I'm guessing you poured your heart and soul into forgiving him, taking on board his critiques of your marriage and twisting yourself inside out trying to fix what he broke. At an enormous personal cost to you.

And how does he repay that? Less than six months after you finish counselling, he goes out and shags someone again. Knowing it would break you again. Knowing that you would be doubly devestated. That the trust is well and truly smashed.

Do you really want to go through all that again? All that soul searching and anguish on your part while he's just biding his time until you stop checking up on him to go out and do it again.

You are worth so much more than him, and this.

Goodigal

OP I feel so sorry for you, especially after you putting so much into recovering from the first affair. And I know you love him, but he is not worthy of your love. He is continuing to disrespect you. It's a horrible time to be stuck home and not have somewhere to escape this news. Some counsellors near us are doing online consultations. You might need to talk to a professional first before making some life changing decisions. But I wish you all the best.

punisher5112

Very sorry op but there may be some good out of it, split up for your own sanity, get house sold and move on.....

He will just go at it again.

Best part is no kids as you say yourself so get out and move on, obviously easy to say but you really don't need all that in your life.....

He doesn't love you... Sorry about being blunt.

splinter65

You will love again and laugh again ....but not with him. He doesn’t love you any more and it’s possible he never did.
He has possibly slept with dozens of other women since you got together. You only found out twice. He has no respect for you and no respect for any of these other women. It’s almost misogynistic.
He must be good looking and fun to be with but as you can see now that’s not worth a damn when it comes to a marriage. It means nothing.
If he loved you or even liked you then he wouldn’t deliberately set out to hurt you like this. He went to all the counseling with you and pretended to participate but in the back of his mind he was sneering at the nonsense while nodding and smiling charmingly at all the right places. He was probably having sex with some other woman all the time.
He’s going to come home now and beg your forgiveness and tell you that it was just a little hiccup in his road to redemption. He knows that you love him and, well, it worked before, so why wouldn’t it work again?
Forgive him again OP and spend the rest of your life together in the certain knowledge that if he’s not with you then he’s probably in bed telling some other girl that she’s the best thing that ever happened to him.

eviltwin

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I don't blame you giving it a go after the first time. You tried and no doubt poured your heart out to him about how much he hurt you and he still went and did it again.

I don't know what you can salvage from a relationship with someone like that, will you ever trust him again or will you always be waiting for that knock on the door.

I understand your fear of starting over because it's a massive thing to do but you can do it, there's a thread here from a guy who did just that after his wife cheated. His updates show he's in a much better place and moving on with life. You should read it, it might give you comfort and hope.

Whatever happens I hope you don't take on any blame for this or let it affect your self esteem.

MissShihTzu

numbandnumber wrote: »

This isn't his first affair, he had one over two years ago, we spent 18 months in counselling, regularly at first then gradually less and less as things got better. I am beyond devastated again, all my hopes and dreams with him gone. We have no kids thankfully but we have a home. I love him and I tried so hard, and he did too to be honest, I just cannot believe I am here again.

I'm sorry but the bolded bits stood out to me. YOU tried hard to make things work. Your man child of a husband DID NOT. This is NOT your fault, and you have to have your wits about you now, and look out for No. 1.

You won't be able to do much at the moment for obvious reasons. But start making plans. I'm not sure this relationship can or should be saved. Would you have a spare room you can move into?

I wish you strength and luck, OP. Hope it works for you!

Hannibal_Smith

MOD NOTE

FFVII I've deleted your post as it falls below the standard required here. Please read the Charter before posting in this thread again and bear in mind that posters are asked to offer constructive advice to the OP when posting.

Lotus Flower

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you, OP. You don't deserve that. He saw what this did to you the first time around and did it again. It's nothing to do with you as a person, he's just wired to cheat. We all make mistakes but for him to go and do it all again is just unforgivable.

Please know that it's not you, he will just cheat and cheat and cheat and he doesn't care for the destruction it will cause. I am fuming on your behalf.

Look after yourself, OP. I know it's not easy but in the long run you will be so proud of yourself for not tolerating this. And don't ever feel bad that you gave him a second chance after the first infidelity, you sound like a loving and caring person, it's on him for flinging that back in your face.

You can leave yourself free to meet someone worthy of you, he will always be the same damaged serial cheater.

shesty

Sorry, I don't have much to add to the good advice here OP-but just to say I don't think much of the person who shared that information with you -what a horrible way to do it.

anewme

shesty wrote: »

Sorry, I don't have much to add to the good advice here OP-but just to say I don't think much of the person who shared that information with you -what a horrible way to do it.

This is the crux of it. What a hateful individual. The thinking behind those postcards is to spread positivity.

OP. Put yourself first.

LegacyUser

Hi, just giving a similar minded male POV going unreg also..
How is your sex life ? Is he into other things that you do not like and is seeking it elsewhere?
Maybe he feels he has his long term relationship with you and is getting sexual needs met elsewhere.
I feel this is an issue in a lot of situation s where there are affairs but it's rarely addressed as it s shot down immediately. He could be of the view that he loves you and doesn't want to ask you to fulfill certain desires and is trying to keep that separate.

marklazarcovic

hawley wrote: »

Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.

everyone,say hi to the husband

punisher5112

shesty wrote: »

Sorry, I don't have much to add to the good advice here OP-but just to say I don't think much of the person who shared that information with you -what a horrible way to do it.

Maybe but then isn't it better she now knows before a child arrives and it's a bigger mess....

Neyite

Joeunreg wrote: »

Hi, just giving a similar minded male POV going unreg also..
How is your sex life ? Is he into other things that you do not like and is seeking it elsewhere?
Maybe he feels he has his long term relationship with you and is getting sexual needs met elsewhere.
I feel this is an issue in a lot of situation s where there are affairs but it's rarely addressed as it s shot down immediately. He could be of the view that he loves you and doesn't want to ask you to fulfill certain desires and is trying to keep that separate.

Then he shouldn't have stood up in front of both sides of the family and promise to forsake all others.

It's not about any fetish or kink he might have. This is about cheating and lying to a person knowing that what you are doing will destroy them but doing it anyway.

Dog day

Sorry you’re going through this OP. Fear of being alone is totally understandable but ask yourself how much scarier it will be to stay with someone who has clearly shown you he can’t be trusted.

That’s no life.

Don’t spend any time analysing his actions, they’re a reflection of whom he is at his core. Instead focus on yourself & preparing to end this & start a new chapter in your life. It won’t be easy but it’s by far the best option. Stay in touch with friends & family (difficult as that is right now), call trusted confidantes every day.

Wishing you lots of love & luck, you’ll be ok.

artvanderlay

Ditch him, take him for all that you can get, and let the world know what a piece of **** he is. His behaviour sickens me. You tried, he didn't: you owe him nothing. Honour yourself, and move on asap. It will be tough, but you will look back one day and thank yourself for having the strength to walk away now.

ILoveYourVibes

I am so sorry op. What a horrible time for this to happen.

You must feel so down.

numbandnumber wrote: »

I am 38 and now I am terrified I will be alone,.

I am sorry to have to say this. But you are alone. And you have been about as alone as anyone can be in this marriage probably for years. That is the reality that you have just woken up to. The only way to NOT be alone now for you is to leave him to have a chance at a real honest relationship that you are not alone in. I am sorry if that hurts you but maybe it will give you the courage to get through this.

You will always be alone in this fake relationship.

I agree with other posters. Talk to a professional about all of this before you make any decisions. And maybe even let this corona lockdown thing pass.

Talk to someone. And talk to friends and family.

I'm so sorry.

Airyfairy12

You need to get out of this marriage, for the sake of your own self esteem and mental health, you cant go on like this. You gave him a fair chance that last time he was caught, clearly the counselling didnt work and he didnt learn anything from the previous experience. Its no reflection on you and you shouldnt blame yourself for this. A poster suggested that maybe he wasnt getting needs met - whether he was or he wasnt, cheating isnt the way to deal with such issues, it shows a total lack of respect for you and the vows you took and lack of respect for your feelings.
He is entirely responsible for his own behavior. To suggest you are somehow at fault is a total cop out and comes across really entitled, selfish and desperately immature, if he cant take responsibility for his behavior he has bigger problems. Regardless, nothing will change him, he is the way is.

Youre still so young and have so much life ahead of you, think of it like this, you can be 5 years down the road from now still in this relationship, worn down from trust issues and being cheated on constantly or you can be 5 years down the road recovered from the separation and moving on with your life with your dignity and self esteem intact. Your choice.

Can you trust him not to leave you for another woman? Do you really want to be left high and dry by him a few years down the line, kicking yourself for not leaving when you had the chance.

Keyzer

hawley wrote: »

Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.

And while you're at it, cook him a steak and give him a blowjob.

Worst advice I've ever seen.

splinter65

anewme wrote: »

This is the crux of it. What a hateful individual. The thinking behind those postcards is to spread positivity.

OP. Put yourself first.

He’s probably cheated on the woman he’s cheating on the OP with (if you can follow that) and she’s hurt and angry after being fed a load of lies and has lashed out. Men like this delight in turning woman against woman, it’s part of the misogyny.

splinter65

hawley wrote: »

Hi, I can't imagine what you're going through. Is there anywhere you can go to for a few weeks, eg. a friend who's off work? It must feel like you're back at square one after his last affair. You need to get to the root of why he's doing this. It comes across that you still love him so much. Do you think he still loves you? You need to confront him over these affairs and warn him that it can never happen again or else you're finished. You need to have more information on what he's doing after work and where he's going. Tell him that he has to earn your trust once more. Make him take you out for dinner and buy you trinkets like earrings and perfume. Try to redecorate your home as a project together so you can reestablish a bond.

Should she try harder to be a better person and more attractive and sexy and lovable too? I mean, it’s actually her fault that he’s looking elsewhere for love, isn’t it?

khaldrogo

If he has to 'try his best' not to have an affair then he's not worth the effort

Daisy78

Joeunreg wrote: »

Hi, just giving a similar minded male POV going unreg also..
How is your sex life ? Is he into other things that you do not like and is seeking it elsewhere?
Maybe he feels he has his long term relationship with you and is getting sexual needs met elsewhere.
I feel this is an issue in a lot of situation s where there are affairs but it's rarely addressed as it s shot down immediately. He could be of the view that he loves you and doesn't want to ask you to fulfill certain desires and is trying to keep that separate.

That’s no excuse. He can’t have both. If he wants a more adventurous fulfilling sex life then he can go ahead but as a single man not a married one.

Immortal Starlight

Hi op I’ve been where you are now and I totally understand how shocked and raw you are feeling. From my experience the man who cheats does not love you and has no respect for you. From the looks of things this will be a process that you will have to endure over and over again if you stay with him. Him cheating and you forgiving. You are worth much more than this and don’t have to live a life of lies.
The women your husband sleeps with will be getting paid in one way or another. He could be paying rent on an apartment paying for nights away in hotels expensive gifts or even small things like fancy dinners in restaurants. You say you have a good job and he works too so I’d advise you to keep an eye on your financial matters. What happens if he gets another woman pregnant and decides to leave you or has to pay to raise a baby with someone else. I’ve seen others ask about your sex life and I think if you are sleeping with your husband you should get a checkup in case he could have passed on any infection.

splinter65

Immortal Starlight wrote: »

Hi op I’ve been where you are now and I totally understand how shocked and raw you are feeling. From my experience the man who cheats does not love you and has no respect for you. I’ve seen others ask about your sex life and I think if you are sleeping with your husband you should get a checkup in case he could have passed on any infection.

Good point about the check up. Many years ago a friend of my contracted several STDs from her husband. He’d returned from Africa with the Irish Army to a hero’s welcome. She continued to suffer side affects for years and years.

banoffe2

Hi OP
My heart goes out to I can feel your pain, devastation, betrayal, hurt, disbelief the list goes on, no one understands what this feels like only those who have walked in your shoes.

Its hard to think rationally when we are in that place, its all consuming and head-wrecking.

<edit> PM request snipped </edit>

YFlyer

numbandnumber wrote: »

I'm going unreg as I post regularly on here. So as the title says he had an affair. I got one of those free An Post postcards in the post and it told me all the details including a name. I confronted him - of course not. I confronted her - of course not. Then, as the days went by, the truth came out.

This isn't his first affair, he had one over two years ago, we spent 18 months in counselling, regularly at first then gradually less and less as things got better. I am beyond devastated again, all my hopes and dreams with him gone. We have no kids thankfully but we have a home. I love him and I tried so hard, and he did too to be honest, I just cannot believe I am here again.

I am 38 and now I am terrified I will be alone, this is scaring me I am not going to lie. Being stuck at home doesn't help, he still goes out to work thank God. I have a good job but everything I had went into this home. I don't know what to do. I am so afraid and feel so broken.

Troll

Tokyo

Mod:

YFlyer - if you have an issue with a post, report it. As you have nothing to add, please don't post in this thread again.

ManOfMystery

Wimbledon 2021 wrote: »

People cheat, it's normal. People can try to repress their true sexuality but it often has unintended consequences.

It's not normal in the slightest. Normal implies it's something done by the majority - not the minority - and thus there should be an expectation that it will occur. That's way off the mark.

Also, what does sexuality repression have to do with it? The OP hasn't suggested he's a closet gay or has some perverse kink that he's scared to try out at home. He's simply been shagging elsewhere. If he was somehow repressed sexually, I don't think an affair would be a consequence - that's kinda the opposite of what it means.

This op greatly annoys me. She’s 38, has no children and is staying with a guy who cheats on her. 38 is, or at least ought to be, a beautiful age to be a woman. Given that very many of us will live into our 80s and 90s, 38 is young and take your head out of the sand, realise this, and you’ll feel empowered. Christ almighty, what some of us would do to not have kids tying us into some loveless prison for the rest of our lives.

Wake the fúck up by imaging your life in 10 years time with this bastard. You think you’re scared now? You’ve no idea of how dark a loveless marriage can become, and how finances mean you sacrifice your own happiness for a faux stability for your children. And the years tick, and tick, and tick, and you get older, and older, and older - and you cannot buy your freedom. Yes, when the kids are adults, you recurrently promise yourself - but by then you’ve few-to-no options for a second chance at happiness. You realise you’ll never have the gentle, loving touch of a soulmate again, the blissful silences, the little kindnesses - that this is it.

Wake up. Now. These years don’t come back.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,
Thank you for all your replies. No I am not a troll, I wish it was all a joke.
I haven't been on in a while, I've just been in the thick of it and as with all affairs the information comes out in drips.
I found out who sent the postcard, not that it makes a difference. Her husband contacted me to tell me as well, the poor man is devastated.
There are so many lies, I feel sick, I can't eat, I can't sleep.
I want to stay so badly you have no idea but I know I can't. I love him but my heart is just broken. I wish I had left the first time.

For anyone who thinks my pain is less because I don't have children is wrong, it makes it more complicated I'm sure but does not ease the pain.

I am so scared about the future. All I ever wanted was someone to share my life with. I don't know what my next step is. I can't leave straight away, I have nowhere to go right now and there are other factors that make it complicated so I will be here for the next while anyway.

Thank you to anyone who has replied, I have found boardsies to be very supportive in tough times.

MissShihTzu

Aw, that's so tough to read. You must be in bits now. And the fact the timing's crap is an understatement...

This marriage has ended IMO. I know you are hurt and confused, but surely you must see this?

I know you can't immediately leave, nor can you speak to anyone in person. Do you have health insurance? Most of them offer telephone counselling that maybe you can take advantage of.

Do you have a spare room? Move into that and start separating your lives. Do you have your own bank accounts? If not, immediately open your own in your own name. Set up Standing Orders to cover the mortgage/rent and utility bills for your share. Do your own washing, cooking and cleaning.

Try to have as little to do as possible with your husband. When the lockdown ends, make plans to get legal advice ASAP and make plans to start your own life. On your own if need be. NO man is worth this crap you're getting!

Good luck and stay strong! You got this.

miec

Hi Op

I am very sorry that you have been betrayed twice, if you can try not to be hard on yourself for at least trying once with him, it shows you at least tried. Second time though, I am not sure. It is easy for us to say dump him, forget him etc, but my own experience has taught me that it is not so cut and dried. If can leave him, at least the same room / living space for now, I would do so. Try not to dwell on the future. You may fear no one will ever love you etc, but you have no idea what the future holds. Try if you can to take each moment as it arises though I appreciate that is hard right now. For me, when I get frustrated, angry etc, I bash a pillow, it is very helpful to release tension out in the immediate sense.

salmocab

Why are you planning to leave? Throw his crap out and let him deal with it. I think your going at this from the wrong angle.

Katgurl

Contact a solicitor and start getting your finances in order.

Do not leave, tell him to go or at least into the spare room.

If you stay you are signing up for a life of misery. You are choosing that for yourself.

If I sound unsympathetic I definitely am not. But there is no happiness to be found with this man.

And don't take it personally. This is all him and no reflection on you or how much he loves you. He's just weak.

punisher5112

Plenty of decent men out there looking for the right person too....

Das Reich

You have 38 and he did not give you children at this stage? Get out fast as you can and get somebody while you are still fertile. He didn't wanted you to be the woman of his life as it seems.

Plenty of decent men out there looking for the right person too....

And many of these decent men will travel to some Eastern European or South Asian country to find any woman as western women can't recognize the qualities that makes a man decent.

Big Bag of Chips

Das Reich, cop on with your generalisations.

Please read The Forum Charter before posting in Personal Issues/Relationship Issues again.

Thanks.