Do I have a right to be a little peeved off?

S.G.M.

Got to become good friends with a girl last summer. We speak daily and we are nearly in a costant conversation. We met up a few times with a mutual friend and just get on great. I'm a fella btw, some may feel this is relevant.

She's got a long term bf that I haven't met yet but when she is with him I don't hear from her much. Now I know her bf is her priority as it should be but since knowing her I find that whenever she is with him for a prolonged period she barely talks to me.

Over the last few months, they had been working at different times so didn't get to see each other that much so I found me and her were speaking a lot and getting to know each other very well. So much so, I'd call her one of my best friends even though I've only known her since August.

I don't expect her to be on the phone as much as she does be when he's not around cos she wants to spend quality time with him.
But it makes me feel a bit used cos she only chats when she doesn't have him around and pushes me to the side when he is around.
I've heard very little from her the last few days cos they are both spending more time together due to the Covid-19 emergency measures.

Am I just overreacting? Thanks

Ticking and Bashing

I'd be peeved off too and would feel used, I hope you're not too dependent / reliant on her for friendship / companionship. It's so common for people to drop friends when the BF / GF is around. Sounds like the friendship happened really fast (7 months) and you invested a lot in it (daily calls etc.) and you said you see her as one of your best friends already. How does she see you? She might have a much wider social circle and see you as a friend and not best friend? Ask your mutual friend if it's the same for them (i.e. does contact reduce when the BF is around). You're not overreacting, and what's she's doing is not nice, but my only advice is not to become too dependent / reliant on her and to try to expand your social circle.

S.G.M.

Ticking and Bashing wrote: »

I'd be peeved off too and would feel used, I hope you're not too dependent / reliant on her for friendship / companionship. It's so common for people to drop friends when the BF / GF is around. Sounds like the friendship happened really fast (7 months) and you invested a lot in it (daily calls etc.) and you said you see her as one of your best friends already. How does she see you? She might have a much wider social circle and see you as a friend and not best friend? Ask your mutual friend if it's the same for them (i.e. does contact reduce when the BF is around). You're not overreacting, and what's she's doing is not nice, but my only advice is not to become too dependent / reliant on her and to try to expand your social circle.

Thanks for the reply. I would have thought she felt the same about our relationship. She doesn't have many friends and she has said that she hasn't met many people who get her the way I do.
I'm not reliant on her at all. I'm not someone who depends on friends. I well used to spending time on my own.
Tbh Im not overly angry at her cos we still chat but only a lot less. As I said, it's just a little annoying cos it makes ya feel like your friendship isn't as important to her.

rather than framing the question as "do i have a right to feel x?" why dont you ask yourself "is it doing me any good to feel x?"

its a more useful, healthy way to look at what *you* are doing here, and whether *you* need to change anything.

adrian92

S.G.M. wrote: »

Got to become good friends with a girl last summer. We speak daily and we are nearly in a costant conversation. We met up a few times with a mutual friend and just get on great. I'm a fella btw, some may feel this is relevant.

She's got a long term bf that I haven't met yet but when she is with him I don't hear from her much. Now I know her bf is her priority as it should be but since knowing her I find that whenever she is with him for a prolonged period she barely talks to me.

Over the last few months, they had been working at different times so didn't get to see each other that much so I found me and her were speaking a lot and getting to know each other very well. So much so, I'd call her one of my best friends even though I've only known her since August.

I don't expect her to be on the phone as much as she does be when he's not around cos she wants to spend quality time with him.
But it makes me feel a bit used cos she only chats when she doesn't have him around and pushes me to the side when he is around.
I've heard very little from her the last few days cos they are both spending more time together due to the Covid-19 emergency measures.

Am I just overreacting? Thanks

Perhaps consider just taking a slight break for a few days from contact entirely - and reflect.
Not one here can sort this.

Perhaps just reflect on your own words and your feelings and the reality.

My comments may not be helpful but would think that it may be really helpful for you to reflect with no contact for a while

I am me123

Have experienced this.

Don't really have any concrete advice, but just so you know, it's quite common.
When friends from a group of friends (particularly female friendships) have other halves, they will sometimes, devote all their time outside of work, etc to that person, and them alone, sometimes disregarding their friendships, and if the relationship ends, they will be back looking to hang around with the friends they neglected for their relationship, again.

Not a very nice way to behave,and very immature.

Kidchameleon

She prioritizes her boyfriend as she should. She is not your best friend at all. I'd look at it as it is - a friendship. I hope she is not getting an ego boost from stringing you along. Do you fancy her in any way?

S.G.M.

Kidchameleon wrote:

She prioritizes her boyfriend as she should. She is not your best friend at all. I'd look at it as it is - a friendship. I hope she is not getting an ego boost from stringing you along. Do you fancy her in any way?

I don't see her like that.

Esel

How would you feel as her boyfriend if she was in regular contact with another guy in your presence?

Kidchameleon

S.G.M. wrote: »

I don't see her like that.

Well then its only a relatively new friendship, I don't think its as close as you feel it is. I'd say you probably shouldn't be peeved off at all.

leggo

S.G.M. wrote: »

I don't see her like that.

No offence OP, but I don’t believe this. This entire scenario reads like you being in denial. You’ve chosen to put this in relationship issues, you over-compensate a lot in your OP saying stuff like “I’m a guy if that matters” (you brought it up so I guess it does matter to you), you directly put yourself at odds with her boyfriend and you’ve built up this dependence on her where you’ve started to notice when she is/isn’t texting you and weighing it up against when she’s spending time with her partner. It’s like you want us to tell you she’s mad about you so you have the greenlight, but all this info is coming from your side not hers so it reads the opposite way.

I’m trying to put myself in your shoes and empathise but I can’t. I’d have friends of the opposite sex with partners but it wouldn’t occur to me that they’re ‘not’ texting me, simply because in a healthy friendship you can ‘not’ text someone for weeks then just pick up as normal. You have a conversation just like you’d have with anyone else. You don’t know who they’re with unless they tell you because you’re not keeping tabs with them and you don’t care if they’re with their partner because their life is their own.

This is at best an unhealthily dependent friendship, at least on your side, and at worst you’re in denial about your feelings for your friend and it’s going to come to a head (almost definitely with an outcome you won’t like) if you don’t get on top of it.

S.G.M.

leggo wrote:

This is at best an unhealthily dependent friendship, at least on your side, and at worst you’re in denial about your feelings for your friend and it’s going to come to a head (almost definitely with an outcome you won’t like) if you don’t get on top of it.

Disagree. Its not a ln unhealthy dependent friendship, I just really enjoy chatting to her. Spent the day on my own, went for a long walk, done some stuff I enjoy and didn't think much about her. Im so used to chatting to her which is why it's so easy to notice when we don't chat.
I started the thread to see peoples opinions cos it was something that I was wondering about. (I've a very analytical mind).
Also I do not fancy her. I appreciate a lot of stuff in her but I don't see her like that.

Silentcorner

You have fallen for her mate...it's an emotional connection not yet physical...you shouldn't be thinking about a friend the way you are....you have no right to, ye only know each other 6 months, honestly it's a bit much....if I was her partner I'd be very annoyed at both of you.

S.G.M.

Silentcorner wrote:

You have fallen for her mate...it's an emotional connection not yet physical...you shouldn't be thinking about a friend the way you are....you have no right to, ye only know each other 6 months, honestly it's a bit much....if I was her partner I'd be very annoyed at both of you.

I'm a little baffled. A woman can have a close male friend. I will not do anything to jeopardise her relationship. I wud never do that to her or him. She's someone who says that not many understand her and we had a real connection but it's absolutely nothing intimate or romantic. It's mental.
What way am I thinking about her?

Appreciate your reply and you're entitled to your opinion but I don't get this being honest.

Silentcorner

S.G.M. wrote: »

I'm a little baffled. A woman can have a close male friend. I will not do anything to jeopardise her relationship. I wud never do that to her or him. She's someone who says that not many understand her and we had a real connection but it's absolutely nothing intimate or romantic. It's mental.
What way am I thinking about her?

Appreciate your reply and you're entitled to your opinion but I don't get this being honest.

You can't get her off your mind.

I recognise the process.....trust me....

S.G.M.

Silentcorner wrote:

You can't get her off your mind.

But I can. It's not that I'm obsessing over her. It's cos over the last few 7 months we've been in daily contact, over the last week she hasn't been messaging much. Anyone is gonna notice that.

As I said in a reply, I had a great day today doing my own thing.

I started the thread to see if others thought it's what most people in a relationship wud do regarding their friends.

S.G.M.

S.G.M. wrote: »

I don't see her like that.

Sorry but I think you do
I have really good friends but with life & families etc we may not talk to each other for few weeks or months sometimes.
Do I feel jealous or peeved because they have other commitments? No, of course I don't. Because that's life.
If your pissed off because she is not talking to you, then you have other feelings rather then just friendship.

S.G.M.

bubblypop wrote:

Sorry but I think you do I have really good friends but with life & families etc we may not talk to each other for few weeks or months sometimes. Do I feel jealous or peeved because they have other commitments? No, of course I don't. Because that's life. If your pissed off because she is not talking to you, then you have other feelings rather then just friendship.

Ffs I'm not gonna keep responding to this message. I've said I don't so I don't.
I'd say if I had.

S.G.M.

S.G.M. wrote: »

Ffs I'm not gonna keep responding to this message. I've said I don't so I don't.
I'd say if I had.

Right so, if you say so.
If that's the case, then to answer your op, no. You have no right to be peeved off.

S.G.M.

bubblypop wrote:

Right so, if you say so. If that's the case, then to answer your op, no. You have no right to be peeved off.

That's all I was wondering. Thanking you.

seenitall

S.G.M. wrote: »

I would have thought she felt the same about our relationship.

"Your relationship" is non-existent, and you are straight up in denial about how you feel about this girl. Your vocab and the way you write about her are a dead giveaway.

Stop being so defensive on the majority of the feedback you are getting here because that won't save you from getting hurt in this "relationship". Reflect on what people are telling you here, and if you wise up, you will realise you have to pull back from contact a bit, chill out and turn your attention to some other female friend, where it actually could lead to a healthy relationship.

Hannibal_Smith

I'd be annoyed if a friend blew hot and cold with me OP.

I get what you're saying. It's full on chats when it suits her and then complete silence when it doesn't suit? And I would feel a bit used too, being honest. Going completely and obviously silent would annoy me.

I would wonder whether she feels a bit awkward chatting to another guy while her boyfriend is there, so avoids it?

You're right when you say she should be focusing on her boyfriend, so I would take that she's not doing anything wrong, or deliberately trying to upset you. If it was me , I would take it as my bag and my issue and try and do things to resolve it in my head, such as take the focus off that friendship. It's new and it's inconsistent, so watch how much value you're putting into it and think whether the friendship deserves it?

S.G.M.

Hannibal_Smith wrote:

You're right when you say she should be focusing on her boyfriend, so I would take that she's not doing anything wrong, or deliberately trying to upset you. If it was me , I would take it as my bag and my issue and try and do things to resolve it in my head, such as take the focus off that friendship. It's new and it's inconsistent, so watch how much value you're putting into it and think whether the friendship deserves it?

Appreciate the reply. Great advice. I'll do that. Thanks.

Esse85

She pushes you to the side when he's around and you barely hear from her.

Yet you call her one of your best friends.

OP how old are you? Are you a teenager?

leggo

OP do you text other people normally or is this the only person you’d talk to?

In those friendships, do you notice whenever they’re texting more or when they’re not writing back because they’re busy or hanging out with people? Like if I’m in work or hanging out with people, anyone really, text conversations go to the back of my mind and I’ll pick them up when I’m not in the middle of something.

You say you don’t have feelings for this person. Fair enough. The question then becomes are you just a clingy friend or is this your only day to day contact with someone else?

Homelander

I believe the OP when he says he doesn't have any feelings outside of friendship, however, it does come across a little clingy. It's completely natural for someone to be less communicative when spending what you describe as 'prolonged' time with a partner. You said yourself she "barely" talks to you, not that she doesn't, during these times.

It sounds like she doesn't get to see her boyfriend on a regular schedule from what you've said, so completely understandable if she devotes her attention to him when she does get the chance. I don't think you have any right to be peeved off.

S.G.M.

Homelander wrote:

It sounds like she doesn't get to see her boyfriend on a regular schedule from what you've said, so completely understandable if she devotes her attention to him when she does get the chance. I don't think you have any right to be peeved off.

That's fair enough. I wudnt call myself clingy cos I'm genuinely not overly bothered that she's not replying much. I initially thought it may be that I think more of the friendship than me but I do have to remind myself that its normal for her to spend a lot of time with her bf.

LegacyUser

she is using you. i had someone like that. she would want to talk to me when her husban was not around as a 'friend' .she goty told. find your own life and someone who wants you for you .do not be number two for anyone

Bobtheman

Never put your eggs in one basket. You have learned a valuable lesson. People suit themselves and will leave you down. Get a new hobby-when this virus stops .
Dont respond immeasiately to her next call-give it a day.

B.A._Baracus

Hey op.
Only my two cents but you say you are not into her, right?
So this comes down to a friendship that you feel is not being reciprocated.

So best to stop or at least pull back on contact. Life is about reciprocation. In everything.

Mjolnir

I'm just over 18 months with my girlfriend. I don't look at my phone when we're together unless it's to check the time or a call comes in/to see who's messaged unless its family I don't answer. I've mates call I let it ring out I'll call them back the next day apologise, tell them I was with herself and not a bother, they do the same to me.
Maybe she respects her bf enough to not be distracted talking to a fella from work when they're spending time together.
I'd agree with other posters there's a smell of longing from your post bud, you may not realise it but there's more to it than friendship for you.
End of the day you can feel how you want, but you have no right to anyone time but your own. You've known each other 6 months, you're a work mate, her bf is her partner no comparison over who is more important to her and who gets her time and attention. She owes you nothing same as you owe her nothing.
If you're feeling annoyed about it move on stop thinking about it and take it as it is a work friend.

Rachiee

Just as a possibly from your friends perspective,

I don't text my mates when I'm with my GF cos its rude, when we spend time together we actually engage with eachother don't just sit beside eachother while on the phone to other people.
I can go weeks without chatting with my friends it doesn't mean I'm using them or that I don't care about them, I just have my priorities, my GF is my best friend if something happens, she's the first person I tell, I can fill my other friends in as and when I see them, or chat to them

Mjolnir

Rachiee wrote: »

Just as a possibly from your friends perspective,

I don't text my mates when I'm with my GF cos its rude, when we spend time together we actually engage with eachother don't just sit beside eachother while on the phone to other people.
I can go weeks without chatting with my friends it doesn't mean I'm using them or that I don't care about them, I just have my priorities, my GF is my best friend if something happens, she's the first person I tell, I can fill my other friends in as and when I see them, or chat to them

Same as I've gone months without chatting to my actual best mates, and I class them as family. We're all busy people we talk when we talk and theres never an issue.

S.G.M.

A mod can close this thread now. Thanks

Hannibal_Smith

Mod note

Closing the thread as per OP's request.

Thank you to all for taking the time to reply.