How to cope?

LegacyUser

I've looked after a parent who had a massive stroke for almost 9 years. I explored all other options, but I had to return to work and put them in a nursing home a few months ago. The situation there leaves really a lot to be desired, but it's the least awful of the nursing homes in the area, which isn't to say it's good: two hospital admissions in the space of a month brought on by entirely preventable issues that turned life-threatening because not dealt with properly and in time. I've a sibling with whom I never got along who assured me of their support when addressing the issues around our parent's care, but when it comes down to it it's all lies, and they back down when it's too late for me to do anything about it. The other parent is older and absolutely zero help in that respect, too. There's nobody else. This might sound like I'm being very difficult but believe me I'm not.

I was exhausted and burnt out before going back to work, but now things aren't improving, I'm too far to be able to act promptly and effectively, I feel depressed, powerless, very angry (I've no filters any more, I have serious anger outbursts -even at work, although not towards my workmates, when the next entirely-preventable thing happen, which I'm then left to fix. It's relentless fire-fighting), and constantly let down by those I should be able to rely on.

I haven't been sleeping properly, either, being woken up at all hours by the worry.

Exercise has never worked for me, ever. Mindfulness and relaxation only work while I'm doing them but haven't had any long-term results on me, to the point that the moment I stop the intrusive thoughts come back and often they come back half way through, much like when the thoughts wake me up at night.

I do have friends I can talk to and they're extremely supportive, but I can't always offload everything on them, it wouldn't be fair. I had hoped to take time off for myself but my parent's last two hospital admissions put pay to that.

Watching that programme on the Cherry Orchard nursing home the other day really hit a nerve.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? How have you coped with it? Can you give me some tips on how to deal with all this, and how to approach the nursing home management and be listened to? I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Thank you.

looksee

Sadly you are in a not uncommon situation OP. What to do about it?

1. Look after your own health - visit your gp and tell them what you have said here. It may be necessary to get some medication to help you through, your gp will advise of course, but don't be reluctant to take this temporary step.

2. Is your GP also your parent's gp? It might help to talk to your parent's gp.

3. Keep a detailed record of incidents in the nursing home, write down now the events that have already happened. Try and keep it factual and not emotional or speculation.

4. Check out the Nursing Home Report on https://www.hiqa.ie/reports-and-publications/inspection-reports and/or https://www.hse.ie/eng/services/publications/olderpeople/nursing-home-reports/ Be prepared to contact either of these two bodies with further queries after you have spoken to the Home.

5. Ask for an appointment with the most senior person in the nursing home, and possibly the medical person there too. If you feel you cannot put the case effectively yourself, get someone to go in with you, preferably someone a bit detatched who is used to dealing with people. Not, for example, your sibling who might be more inclined to argue with you than with them! Present your case and ask your questions. Make notes of answers as you are there - no problem if they are aware you are noting answers. They are being paid to provide a service, you are entitled to answers. Be wary of what you agree to until you have had time to consider it.

There just might be an issue of next-of-kin since your other parent is still alive, but if you have been carer for your parent you should probably be able to claim next-of-kin for the purposes of sorting this.

Check out your local Carers Association, they may be able to offer advice and help.

I do hope you can sort this OP, but the first thing to do is look after yourself. Go to your gp and get some help and support.

mrsbeebee

A loved one of mine is going through an almost identical situation. Going by what you have said here, you have done everything you could for your own loved one. You cannot do this alone. Carers need support and you're not getting any. You can continue to be an advocate for your loved one and visit when you can but you have made the best decision for both of you and you have nothing to feel guilty about.