Move to my boyfriends home country or break up?

321123

I seriously cut down the post since I realized it was way too personal, anyone remotely close to me (like colleagues or cousins) would instantly be able to find out that it is me based on family circumstances, where in Dublin we live and my boyfriend’s job.

The situation is that my boyfriend since 4 years who is absolutely fantastic and the who I really love wants to move back to his hometown Stockholm (Sweden) before we start a family and I wonder if I should come with or not but a move would break my parent’s hearts and I'm worried it would not work out for me.

Salary Negotiator

Would you be happy to move abroad?

It seems your biggest fear is not doing what your parents want instead of doing what you want.

Based on what you’ve said here I’d be open to the move but it’s something you’ll have to talk about with your partner.

uck51js9zml2yt

My wife left her country to marry me and she had to learn English. It's also a hard language, surprisingly.

Learning the language in the country is a lot easier than just classes.

It's not an insurmountable problem and Stockholm isn't that far away. No further than driving Dublin to Tralee.

Idle Passerby

I think it's a no-brainer. Go to Sweden. The only thing holding you back is apparently your parents and they are both relatively young and healthy and there's 3 other adult children in the same county as them.

You don't say what you want but it sounds like you'd be in favour of life in Sweden if it wasn't for your parents objections so don't let them hold you back.

LegacyUser

Sounds like you like life in Sweden. No harm in going for a bit and see how it goes...if it doesn't work out you can come home. I mean better that, and give it a shot, maybe it works out and you live happily ever after or maybe it all falls apart, but what's the alternative? Have it all fall apart now? Go, your parents are fine and you can come back if they get sick

PARlance

I suspect the reason he isn't totally enamored with your parents is due to the power they seem to have over you.

Seems like a complete no brainer. I love Dublin, bought and still have a house there, but we got out as soon as the kids arrived.

You currently travel a lot. You could be back very frequently and your parents could get to you fairly easily.

Idbatterim

I would give sweden a try for sure! There is no way with all the pro's you mention after a four year relationship, I wouldnt be giving it a try. This whole pressure from the mammy etc, I dont know if its a purely irish thing, but it is exhausting! If you rent and are paying below market rent, is a consideration, but likely a small one in the scheme of things...

I totally agree with his point of living in commuterland etc, my idea of hell. the finances wouldnt allow somewhere he would actually want to live in dublin?

do you speak swedish and what will both of your employment prospects be like over there?

Redser87

Absolutely go to Sweden! It's a wonderful country. You would probably find that some of your travel plans would involve coming home, but you could travel around Scandinavia and Europe very easily - even by rail. I suspect pay and conditions are better for nurses over there too. As others have said, you could come home very easily and quickly if the need arose or if you just wanted to visit.
The one thing that concerns me about your post is not to do with your question, but with the level of detail you've provided. I know you probably want posters to understand the context, but you've given a lot of specific information that could identify you, such as your age and home county. Maybe that doesn't bother you, but on a national forum I'd personally make the information a bit more generic.

BoJack Horseman

Get thee to Sweden

Idbatterim

theyll have high tax rates, like you are paying here with your marginal rate, but youll actually get something back for them there!

Purple Mountain

You are under no obligation to your parents.
They already have 3 children nearby.
Take them out of the equation.

Rikand

Move to Sweden. They all speak superb English over there too so you'll be grand even with the language 'barrier'

321123

Idbatterim wrote: »

I would give sweden a try for sure! There is no way with all the pro's you mention after a four year relationship, I wouldnt be giving it a try. This whole pressure from the mammy etc, I dont know if its a purely irish thing, but it is exhausting! If you rent and are paying below market rent, is a consideration, but likely a small one in the scheme of things...

I totally agree with his point of living in commuterland etc, my idea of hell. the finances wouldnt allow somewhere he would actually want to live in dublin?

do you speak swedish and what will both of your employment prospects be like over there?

Not enterly sureif it is but if I compare to my boyfriends's parents and how his friend's parents are it is miles apart. They seem to be happy as long as their kids are happy no matter where they choose to live or what they choose to do.

He is on good pay with Irish/Dublin standards and would be in Sweden too where he can work as a lawyer in a law office specialising in EU/internaional law, not sure what he will be paid but I'm sure it is good. As long as I learn Swedish I could easily get a job there, probably with the same or a bit higher net salary than here but their healtcare is in better state (they are still striking and unhappy there but it is still miles from here).

321123

Redser87 wrote: »

Absolutely go to Sweden! It's a wonderful country. You would probably find that some of your travel plans would involve coming home, but you could travel around Scandinavia and Europe very easily - even by rail. I suspect pay and conditions are better for nurses over there too. As others have said, you could come home very easily and quickly if the need arose or if you just wanted to visit.
The one thing that concerns me about your post is not to do with your question, but with the level of detail you've provided. I know you probably want posters to understand the context, but you've given a lot of specific information that could identify you, such as your age and home county. Maybe that doesn't bother you, but on a national forum I'd personally make the information a bit more generic.

That is very true! Thanks for the input.

Thank you, completely forgot about that, edited my post a bit.

321123

Idbatterim wrote: »

theyll have high tax rates, like you are paying here with your marginal rate, but youll actually get something back for them there!

They pay the same on average, seems to be a myth that it is so much worse in Scandinavia than here. They don't have property tax, no inheretance or gift tax either. What is higher is taxes on business.

321123

Purple Mountain wrote: »

You are under no obligation to your parents.
They already have 3 children nearby.
Tskd them out of the occasions.

You are right, but it still would break their heart and I would feel super guilty.

extra gravy

I'd fear that if you don't go, in time you may regret it and possibly end up resenting your parents. Be brave and go for it, if it doesn't work out, it won't be the end of the world, you can always come back. But at least you'll know you gave it a try.

appledrop

It's a no brainer you have to go to Sweeden. If you dont try I think you will always regret it.

Nurses are in high demand so if you do decide to come home you will get a job no problem.

listermint

As an aside to everyone saying move to sweden. You can't sail here , hill walk here, and we do have some semblance of seasons. ..what I'm saying is you don't have to live in Dublin nor have to live in a semi d in a commuter belt. Plenty of folks have all of that here just takes an ounce of imagination.

Salary Negotiator

321123 wrote: »

You are right, but it still would break their heart and I would feel super guilty.

Would you feel worse breaking up with your partner?

Only you can decide which is more important, your happiness or your parent’s.

Irish_rat

321123 wrote: »

You are right, but it still would break their heart and I would feel super guilty.

If you see a future with him then it's probably worth considering it.

strandroad

I'll go against the grain a little OP but I think you need to be very clear eyed about what you really want.
Sweden is a fantastic country and the services alone although not quite what they used to be are worth moving there for. At the same time, the vision of Sweden you and your boyfriend have seems to be a little detached from the reality of daily grind in Sweden (yes there is daily grind in Sweden too).

Sailing or keeping horses for example is not an exclusively Swedish thing, in fact you have plenty of either here and it's a quite a recognised lifestyle as are holiday houses or golf course apartments. There is nothing stopping your boyfriend from sailing in Dublin for example, it just seems that you have more time and a different mindset over there so you actually take advantage; this might evaporate once you have your daily duties too. Children need to be collected from childcare anywhere you go too (even if the childcare is nearly free), unless he expects you to stay at home. If you want to build a house it does mean a commute of some sort as houses are still located in the suburbs in Stockholm and with the density you need to move out to build too. If you're happy with a family apartment instead you will avoid long commutes but you'll have to bring up your family in an apartment which while absolutely normal in Sweden might require some serious mentality adjustment from an Irish girl. You'll find it easier with regard to the rain, in the spring or summer anyway, but Swedish winter is absolutely dreadful and feels like you're going to be in the dark forever if you're not used to it, with SAD and bad moods and what have you. People have slightly different manner and values around community, social distance etc. - again you might find that you need serious adjustments outside of his family bubble especially if you haven't lived abroad before. While he easily returns to his social circle you might feel temporarily left out with a language to learn too.

It sounds like you're both picking your boyfriend's family and friends' best achievements and best bits of their lifestyle and are hoping to share or imitate them all. In fact your lifestyle might be quite a lot more boring and demanding and a lot less fun with significant adjustment needed on your side specifically.

I would advise you to try and move back with him (if that's what he wants - you seem to be making an assumption here). Your parents and your siblings will be fine, I wouldn't worry about it much at all, you will visit and so will they. But in your head give it a fixed trial time, perhaps a year. See how you like it, see how it turns out. Absolutely do not have children before this time is up - if you have kids but you can't bear Sweden or if you split, you won't be able to return to Ireland. It might turn out brilliant and you'll start a fantastic new life; or if it turns out to be too hard and you'll have to decide again but you would have tried. Do not move late in the year though, give yourself a couple of months to adapt first before you face the winter.

Mr. Incognito

Why do you need to make long term plans immediately. You are hitting the panic Button.

Life changes.

Try Sweden and see what its like. Your parents have 3 other kids to mind them. They sound very controlling

MissShihTzu

I was in the same position as you, OP. Only I lived in London where I am from and my now husband lived in Ireland.

We did the long distance thing, but it was getting harder and harder to be apart, and as we decided we wanted to make a life together, we had to decide where.

I had all the same questions as you. My friends, family and life was in London. But my best friend helped me keep my head on. It's only an hour to go home, and I could always come back if things didn't work out.

My parents were not happy. My brothers didn't think I would make it work, and my friends hated the thought of me leaving. But - I did and although things haven't always been plain sailing (moving over right at the start of the recession), but we're married 12 years and still happy. I go to London three or four times a year, always on the phone to my friends and some have made the trip over to visit. I think the fact I couldn't just up and leave when things got rough, made me more determined to make this move work.

I think what I am trying to say is - Give it a go. You won't know if you don't try and Ireland is not so far away. Focus on what YOU want, selfish as this sounds and only go if it's right for YOU. You alone are the author of your life and your happiness. Not your parents, not your siblings, and certainly not your partner.

Good luck to you!

Thelonious Monk

I've a friend who moved there for a Swede about 10 years ago with no idea of the language, and he has quite a good job for Facebook now and 2 kids with the same wan. Everyone speaks English there. Also another friend who got a Norweigan girl pregnant after a night out in Flannery's and he's been in Norway about 10 years now too, couldn't speak a word of it and still can't really!
So I'm sure you'd be grand

stop animal cruelty

I really do feel sorry for u, it's such a tough decision. From how u described ur partner, he sounds so perfect. I would be very slow in letting him go!

Looking from the outside I think the best decision would be to move to Sweden for a year and see how u get on. You could be so surprised u might end up actually liking it and not thinking it's as bad as u once thought. Like others have said, a quick flight home is always there.

Your friends will always be there for you, Skype or pick up the phone. U might not feel so far away from them now with all the ways we can connect and communicate today.

It's understandable the guilt u would feel leaving ur parents, but u have one life and it's your choice to live it how u want. You don't own your parents anything, really. Anyone who truly cares for someone will always back whatever decision u go for, and be there if it doesn't work out.

Guaranteed u will end up regretting not doing what possibly could be the right choice, by giving Sweden a go with the love of ur life.

321123

strandroad wrote: »

I'll go against the grain a little OP but I think you need to be very clear eyed about what you really want.
Sweden is a fantastic country and the services alone although not quite what they used to be are worth moving there for. At the same time, the vision of Sweden you and your boyfriend have seems to be a little detached from the reality of daily grind in Sweden (yes there is daily grind in Sweden too).

Sailing or keeping horses for example is not an exclusively Swedish thing, in fact you have plenty of either here and it's a quite a recognised lifestyle as are holiday houses or golf course apartments. There is nothing stopping your boyfriend from sailing in Dublin for example, it just seems that you have more time and a different mindset over there so you actually take advantage; this might evaporate once you have your daily duties too. Children need to be collected from childcare anywhere you go too (even if the childcare is nearly free), unless he expects you to stay at home. If you want to build a house it does mean a commute of some sort as houses are still located in the suburbs in Stockholm and with the density you need to move out to build too. If you're happy with a family apartment instead you will avoid long commutes but you'll have to bring up your family in an apartment which while absolutely normal in Sweden might require some serious mentality adjustment from an Irish girl. You'll find it easier with regard to the rain, in the spring or summer anyway, but Swedish winter is absolutely dreadful and feels like you're going to be in the dark forever if you're not used to it, with SAD and bad moods and what have you. People have slightly different manner and values around community, social distance etc. - again you might find that you need serious adjustments outside of his family bubble especially if you haven't lived abroad before. While he easily returns to his social circle you might feel temporarily left out with a language to learn too.

It sounds like you're both picking your boyfriend's family and friends' best achievements and best bits of their lifestyle and are hoping to share or imitate them all. In fact your lifestyle might be quite a lot more boring and demanding and a lot less fun with significant adjustment needed on your side specifically.

I would advise you to try and move back with him (if that's what he wants - you seem to be making an assumption here). Your parents and your siblings will be fine, I wouldn't worry about it much at all, you will visit and so will they. But in your head give it a fixed trial time, perhaps a year. See how you like it, see how it turns out. Absolutely do not have children before this time is up - if you have kids but you can't bear Sweden or if you split, you won't be able to return to Ireland. It might turn out brilliant and you'll start a fantastic new life; or if it turns out to be too hard and you'll have to decide again but you would have tried. Do not move late in the year though, give yourself a couple of months to adapt first before you face the winter.

Thank you for the thoughtful post! That is of course very true and something that I am aware of. Being somewhere on holdays is not the same as living there. My boyfriend spent 5 years working in Stockholm after college before he moved over so he is well aware of how an every day life there is too but I of course wouldn't know if I didn't try it.

The not having children early thing is really what is hitting it. I feel like I want to try living there before I get too old in case I realise that I am not happy outside of Ireland and then still have a chance to have children.

Have you lived in Sweden or are you Swedish?

321123

Thank you all for the replies! Very appreciated:)

Whitecarstones

From a single (lonely) person I would urge you to grasp onto the guy you love, and god damn it move to Sweeden. Dont let it go!
Your parents will get over it. All the best.

strandroad

321123 wrote: »

Have you lived in Sweden or are you Swedish?

I'm not Swedish but spent some time there, never had the option to stay for good though. It's a lovely country and I'm sure you can be very happy there if it all works out, it's just that some of your descriptions sounded a little on the optimistic side!

tampopo

321123 wrote: »

You are right, but it still would break their heart and I would feel super guilty.

You get to live your life, not theirs.