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What do I do? Completely lost and suddenly homeless

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  • Registered Users Posts: 290 ✭✭lozenges


    Flinched wrote: »
    She went back to see my parents on her lunch break today. I got a text from her when I was in work that my mother said I could go back. When I picked her up from school I could feel the hostility off her. I asked her what happened when she went home and at first she said nothing happened. Then she said my mother told her she would always have a home there and that I would too. I told her over the last few days that even if I was "allowed" to go home that I couldn't ever go back there again. She said the counsellor in her school wants to talk to me. I wanted to know why. She says it's to tell me that it's a ridiculous idea to move out of Dublin and she wasn't going (. I told her that for now she was still only 17 and that it was my decision. She said she's sick of me playing the victim and that she was going home. She got out of the car and said she wanted her laptop so I locked the car to stop her taking it out of the boot and told her to get back in the car but she told me to where to go and walked off towards the house. I can't physically force her to stay with me. So she is back with my parents and I'm sitting alone not knowing what to do. She rang to say I could come back and wants me to give her things. I told her again that I wasn't going to go back there. That I wasn't going to let anyone treat me like that again. So she hung up. I know that they're telling her that I'm choosing this and she thinks that I'm leaving her.


    I'm so sorry this is happening. Re your daughter - I would stick to your guns and whatever you do don't go back to your parents.
    You can't force her to come back to you, but tell her that you love her, you would love to have her back with you but that you can't go back to your parents as they have hurt you deeply with unforgivable things they've said (don't specify).
    Also reassure her that you will do your best to keep her in the same school.
    Hopefully soon she will see why you left and come back of her own accord.


  • Registered Users Posts: 587 ✭✭✭twill


    I'm so angry on your behalf and that the abusers are marshalling every resource they can to make it look as if you are the problem. The tactic of making the victim of abuse a pariah is so sadly familiar. Please consider ringing the Women's Aid helpline to see if they can help you with this situation.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    OP your parents behaviour is textbook narcissistic abuse. They are using your daughter to try and "hoover" you back so they can abuse you both again. Another poster gave excellent advice to contact Women's Aid. If a partner treated somebody the way your parents treated you both it would rightfully be considered abuse. Tell them how you were abused by the neighbour as a child and how your parents reacted when you told them.

    Unfortunately your daughter is too young to realise that she is being used by your parents. They probably never expected you to leave (just grovel instead). Now they know you and your daughter are looking for another place to stay they may be terrified that the authorities might hold them accountable for the welfare of a 17 year old child. They will also use this time to badmouth you to your daughter. This is how narcissistic abusers operate.

    Keep looking for a place for you both. Even if your daughter stays with them for the time being their mask will eventually slip and she will be subjected to the same narcissistic abuse you suffered all your life. She will be glad to be able to go back to you sooner if not later. At the moment she is a pawn if not another scapegoat for your parents.

    Good luck.

    Check out the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) website for information on narcissistic families.


  • Registered Users Posts: 190 ✭✭Dog day


    Hi OP, I’ve been following this thread & see you’ve received some practical & emotionally supportive advice already.

    I just wanted to commend you on your bravery in trying to protect yourself & your daughter from an unliveable environment. At the moment she’s simply too young to see the bigger picture here.

    Please have pride in the person you are & the things you’ve achieved. I can guarantee you that you’re even stronger than you think you are, years of being put down can have horrendous effects on self esteem.

    You’ve come so far, recognise that.

    Wishing yourself & your daughter a healthy, happy & secure future. You’ve already taken that first huge step & in time your daughter will see that.


  • Registered Users Posts: 129 ✭✭Whitecarstones


    Was your neighbour a serial abuser? Did everyone just cover it up because they did not want to be shamed? As a result, those turning a blind eye, like your mother are instrumental in that abuse. This is very close to home for me.

    You sound like an amazing hard working person. And a great mother. It is your parents that seem to be the instigators.

    You made the best decision getting away from them. I hope things work out for you. And hey... go get some counselling. You sound like you need and deserve it.

    Big hugs


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10 Flinched


    Was your neighbour a serial abuser? Did everyone just cover it up because they did not want to be shamed? As a result, those turning a blind eye, like your mother are instrumental in that abuse. This is very close to home for me.

    You sound like an amazing hard working person. And a great mother. It is your parents that seem to be the instigators.

    You made the best decision getting away from them. I hope things work out for you. And hey... go get some counselling. You sound like you need and deserve it.

    Big hugs

    I know for definite that there were 2 others. But I only found that out a few years ago. I always thought that I was the only one. I have suspicions about another of his younger relatives who committed suicide in their 20s. He was an older man at the time in his 70s - and I was 5 and I wouldn't like to say how I know that for definite because the memory of that conversation with him is disturbing for me. He died when I was around 16. He was a real pillar of the community type, religious always at mass and fluent Irish speaker. My mother had said that when I was 5 I said something to her about how the skin on his belly was really soft and she said that she told me never to go into that house again. But all the kids on the road used to play together and we were in and out of each other's houses all the time for years after so she knew I was still going into that house. She used to send me in herself for things. But on Saturday she just came out and said I'd made it up when before she always acted like she believed me.

    I collected my daughter from school again today. She wants to know why she can't live with them and not have to move. She said I'm choosing this because I could just come home because her nanny says I can and her nanny is really upset over it. So as I knew would happen she's telling her this is my choice and I could just come home and everything would be fine. She wants to know why I can't just let her live with them if I want to move out. I feel like my mother has gotten everything she wanted. When my daughter was a baby she used to tell people that she thought of my daughter as hers and me as just her sister. She seemed to love telling people because she'd have a big smile on her face and she had to know how crap it made me feel.

    I'm sure if she saw what I've been putting up here she'd say I was making it up and playing the victim like I always do. Even my brothers tease me about feeling sorry for myself and acting the victim if I say anything negative about our childhoods. It's kind of a family joke now. At the back if my mind I think all the stuff I've been posting here is just me whining again. I know they would say I am being unreasonable and over dramatic.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,653 ✭✭✭KiKi III


    OP, what's your daughter's plan once she finishes school? Would she have been moving out to go to college, or staying there?

    I think you need to sit down with her and explain that for your own mental health you can't go back. Remind her of how your grandparents behaved during the fight. Tell her you would rather she come with you, but that you respect her decision if she wants to stay there ven though you'd rather she didn't. Tell her she can change her mind any time, day or night.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,607 ✭✭✭Bobtheman


    Pm me . I'd like to give you something toward a deposit


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10 Flinched


    Bobtheman wrote: »
    Pm me . I'd like to give you something toward a deposit

    That's very generous and kind of you but I wouldn't be able to take money from anyone. Thank you so much for the offer though.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,799 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    Flinched, it sounds as if you're almost apologising for talking about it or feeling guilty in some way. And i get that, I really do, but its misplaced. You have nothing to be apologetic about.

    You know in your own head, you cant go back to that house. But its a lot for a 17 year old to take. The fight. The sudden move. All she wants is her life to go back to the way it was. It must be hard for her going into school everyday, with all this weighing on her. I dont think what she wants is a mark against you, its just a cry for things to go back to the normality she knows.

    At the same time everyone seems to be borrowing from your trauma. It's like a ripple effect and it has to feel theyre all taking a piece of what happened to you and making it their own. What happened to you was awful and you have a right to feel however you do about it, without anyone throwing their tuppence worth.

    I wonder when you say your mum told you about a description of your neighbour and she said to not go in the house, did you feel or say to your mum she should have taken action then? Is that where your mother's anger is coming from? She can't process what happened to you let alone accept she could/should have done something?

    Either way, she is some woman to be fighting with you over it. At some point she should have stepped up, even to you, and been a mum.

    Could you explain it to your daughter in a way she would understand?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 236 ✭✭treascon


    Bobtheman wrote: »
    Pm me . I'd like to give you something toward a deposit

    That’s very generous of you. If only there were more like you in this world! OP I have no advice to offer but I really hope things work out for you. What a horrible situation your family have put you in! Shame on them.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10 Flinched


    Thanks to everyone who took the time to give me advice. After my daughter went home on Wednesday I slept in my car Wednesday and Thursday night. On Friday evening I collected her to go to a class she does outside school and she said she couldn't go because she was having a panic attack so I took her for a drive instead. She handed me a key that her nan asked her to give me and I explained to her again that I couldn't go back. Her head is all over the place. I told her I would never make her choose between her grandparents and me. That she would always have me. That I didn't want her to get involved or take sides. But she keeps telling me what her granny says and why I'm wrong.

    But then my brother rang to say he'd be coming to visit with his family. He hadn't heard what had happened. He sounded a bit annoyed at me for sleeping in my car. He rang me back a few minutes later to say that he had talked to my dad and that I could go home and stay in my room and they wouldn't come near me. I was just so tired and confused I didnt know what to do so I said ok.

    So I am at home in my room. My daughters not talking to me because I went home after my brother talked to me. My parents and my brothers are all downstairs pretending I don't exist and I'm in my room feeling like I'm hiding. So I'm back to square one after everything. After being sure that this time I would definitely not go back.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,799 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith


    After 2 nights sleeping in my car, I'd be biting the hand off anyone for a bed for the night!

    The others are possibly giving you space, lest you go again.

    If you have to stay there, you could use it as time to save for a deposit for a place of your own.


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,371 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    After 2 nights sleeping in my car, I'd be biting the hand off anyone for a bed for the night!

    The others are possibly giving you space, lest you go again.

    If you have to stay there, you could use it as time to save for a deposit for a place of your own.

    I was just about to post this. OP, stay out of their way as much as possible. You said your daughter is 17. Is she in Leaving Cert? Maybe save as much as possible for the next few months to get a deposit together, and when she's done with school move out.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,211 ✭✭✭Sunrise_Sunset


    So sorry to hear what you are going through. I have a narcissistic parent and I empathise with you.
    If you are back then now is the time to save up that deposit for a place of your own asap.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Bobtheman wrote: »
    Pm me . I'd like to give you something toward a deposit

    Mod note:

    Bobtheman, your offer of a PM, though well meaning, is strictly forbidden in the forum for the reasons outlined in the charter. 

    OP, please do not engage in a PM exchange with posters offering advice on this forum. 


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,038 ✭✭✭rapul


    Setup a gofund me page and put the link up here perhaps, I would also like to help you towards a deposit, I assume the mods would have no problem with that, I hope


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,887 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    OP, you know that stuff your mother used to say about your daughter being hers and that...that is not normal.
    Does your daughter know why you are rowing with your parents?Or does she just know you are having a row?If you can manage it maybe save like mad and try to get a deposit together over the next couple of months.Like others I would echo getting out as fast as possible, but I can see that is very complicated for you.
    It makes me sad that our country is such a hard place to live in when you need somewhere of your own like this.


  • Registered Users Posts: 807 ✭✭✭Jenneke87


    +1 for the link, I like to help too boards a deposit.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    So sorry to hear what you are going through. I have a narcissistic parent and I empathise with you.
    If you are back then now is the time to save up that deposit for a place of your own asap.

    Sorry to hear the OP went back but I understand too, narcissistic families can be incredibly manipulative. Her brother is playing the role of Flying Monkey. She is between a rock and a hard place especially if her daughter is sitting the LC this year. If the OP is going to stay with her family for the time being she try to use that time to save for a deposit towards a place of her own. No doubt her parents will try and get as much money as possible out of her for the upkeep of them both. It will be their way of trying to stop her leaving.

    Narcissists don't want you to leave, they want to grind you down so much you have no self esteem left and you haven't the will to live (sorry, leave). The former could apply as well though. They have to have a Scapegoat to kick around.

    OP ask your counsellor if he or she knows about the Gray Rock technique of dealing with narcissistic abuse. Also see if you can get advice on what to do if your parents abuse you or your daughter again.


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  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,409 Mod ✭✭✭✭woodchuck


    Mod note:

    Please be aware that we cannot allow a link to gofundme page. We would have no way to verify if the poster providing the link is genuine. This is not just in relation to the OP in this thread, but applies across boards.ie.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,038 ✭✭✭rapul


    Ok apologies


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