Snide remarks from parent

Teach30

Home atmosphere can be nasty. Father makes snide remarks all the time. Dirty looks, favouritism over one sibling and their children/wife. It’s quite sickening.

Doesn’t speak only grunts at times. Mother at wits end sick of his carry on but v little she can do. He’s just a completely nasty person to remaining siblings as he wants us out of house so he can gift all to his favourite child. I’m scared it will drive one sibling as he is constantly berated, to do something/say something that will be very damaging. Other siblings work at home with parent so can’t be avoided. Some days worse than others but he really hates the rest of us.

Makes me v sad to think he can think so little of us and has no value in what we do. Acts lovely to anyone he meets outside the house.

Any advice appreciated on how to react/what to say in situations.

remove yourself from it

hes only another person at the end of the day

if you're one of those working with him, look at other options

Teach30

[Deleted User] wrote: »

remove yourself from it

hes only another person at the end of the day

if you're one of those working with him, look at other options

Thanks not as easy as that unfortunately. Siblings working for him and have no other qualifications so wouldn’t get a job v easily. Wife and children to support and would be homeless otherwise too.

Cant just walk away but it’s how to best deal with the comments and the hatred I’d like advice on.

spurious

Try not to do the same to yours. I know it doesn't excuse it, but it is a learned behaviour. They won't change, so please support each other when it happens.

Teach30

spurious wrote: »

Try not to do the same to yours. I know it doesn't excuse it, but it is a learned behaviour. They won't change, so please support each other when it happens.

Thanks, I’ve no children I just live at home so listening to it constantly. Don’t really know how to support each other apart from pointing out the obvious that’s he’s acting the pri**.
He’s the same to grandchildren. Favours one very obviously over the others. Give le money/sweets to just one. When it’s pointed out he relents but he tries to do it behind our backs. Fairly toxic.

Xterminator

Hi Op

i think you are failing to grasp a very important point. You cannot change this man. Nothing you do or say will make him change his ways. Only he can change his ways and dont hold your breath for that to happen, especially if he gets away with his behaviour.

You can only control how you act/react around him.

Do you want advice on how to deal with a toxic parent? Cut down the contact to minimal.

Teach30

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

i think you are failing to grasp a very important point. You cannot change this man. Nothing you do or say will make him change his ways. Only he can change his ways and dont hold your breath for that to happen, especially if he gets away with his behaviour.

You can only control how you act/react around him.

Do you want advice on how to deal with a toxic parent? Cut down the contact to minimal.

Thanks, I’m living with him so can’t really alter contact for the time being.
He does get away with the behaviour because none of us know what to say/how to react properly other than flying off the handle. That’s what I was look for advice on.

Your right though his behaviour is rubbing off on his favourite child which isn’t at all nice and he’s acting up to him as he knows he’ll get more out of him in the long term if he does.

Really I’d love to know what to say to him and have it practiced beforehand so that I don’t start crying because his behaviour is very emotive.

niallers1

You/They have to move out. The living arrangements are toxic.

Mortelaro

Kindly remind the favourite sibling that you all will be challenging the will
Don't say on what grounds
Regarding the father
4 words to say to him Say 'This is not normal'
Leave it at that
Say it each time you need to
Don't engage just repeat those words
Then walk away into another room,read a good book or have a tv in there
As others have said,he wont change his behaviour but you can change yours and your reaction to him
Join a club too that takes you out of that house most evenings,fitness,athletics or something like that with a goal

Teach30

niallers1 wrote: »

You/They have to move out. The living arrangements are toxic.

I’m grand I stay out of it but the others work for him so can’t avoid it as they have to be around him
It’s not every day it’s when he takes a notion or he might have a pain in his back etc and he takes it out on some more than others.

niallers1

Mortelaro wrote: »

Kindly remind the favourite sibling that you all will be challenging the will

A parent doesn't have to leave anything to their children in a will. It's theirs to do as they please.

Mortelaro

niallers1 wrote: »

A parent doesn't have to leave anything to their children in a will. It's theirs to do as they please.

That's not correct if it can be proven they weren't adequately provided for

Teach30

Mortelaro wrote: »

Kindly remind the favourite sibling that you all will be challenging the will
Don't say on what grounds
Regarding the father
4 words to say to him Say 'This is not normal'
Leave it at that
Say it each time you need to
Don't engage just repeat those words
Then walk away into another room,read a good book or have a tv in there
As others have said,he wont change his behaviour but you can change yours and your reaction to him
Join a club too that takes you out of that house most evenings,fitness,athletics or something like that with a goal

I wouldn’t/couldn’t challenge anything in a will as it’s not my place to. That’s nothing to do with me it’s the others that work for him have that problem not me.

Thanks that’s good advice. I don’t think he’d take much heed of the not normal part but I’d certainly give it a try.

When I’m around at the weekends I notice it more, sometimes I need to be there to give my mother a hand but I do the avoiding thing a lot.
I listen to her reactions to it too and her heart breaks over the fact he is very unfair.

niallers1

Mortelaro wrote: »

That's not correct if it can be proven they weren't adequately provided for

Being fed, dressed , educated and a roof over their head until they became adults is adequate.

Mortelaro

niallers1 wrote: »

Being fed, dressed , educated and a roof over their head until they became adults is adequate.

That's debatable, when did these siblings start work for the father?
What education did they get versus what was affordable
What discouragement was there towards further education versus working with the father
Loads more

Xterminator

Hi Op

your mother does not have to put up with his behaviour - but she does - 'probably to keep the peace'. I am sure you have great sympathy for her, but if she continues enabling his bad behaviour, she is both victim, but also part of the problem. she cant keep doing the same thing everyday and expect him to mend his ways.

Like the advice to you, she needs to break the cycle. This will probably be far more difficult for her, and lets face it, if you father doesn't cop on to himself could lead to marital conflict etc. So its not a path to start down lightly.

If i were her i would start with marital support services because even if father doesnt engage she will be apprised of her rights etc.

But if she does decide she cant take it anymore you could be there for her and possibly offer her somewhere to go if she leaves the house for a few hour/ few days few weeks - depending on whether or not your living situation allows. Otherwise she could look to a sibling for support etc.

Teach30

Mortelaro wrote: »

That's debatable, when did these siblings start work for the father?
What education did they get versus what was affordable
What discouragement was there towards further education versus working with the father
Loads more

They both received the same 3rd level education and have been working with him from post primary school years. Both provided with houses and get their meals on a daily basis. Messed up situation but that’s how it is and they won’t go changing that.
Father holding it over my mother that she needs to leave all to one when she can’t as her conscience won’t allow her to. She’s well able for him but grows tired of his attitude and then I have to listen to her getting upset over it all.
She has final say on will - complicated situation as lots of assets at stake, I don’t even know all the facts but it’s not easy for her to choose. That’s why he has the ****ty attitude to the rest of us.

not saying it's easy, far from it.

but disliking your father is manageable- avoid and ignore


if the issue is that he is also the boss, im honestly not messing when id advise to start looking at it like a workplace issue then

but im not being unsympathetic when id still advise that as adults- what you dont oppose/change, you tolerate. if the cost of the wage and house etc is his behaviour, ye are accepting it.

be prepared to jack and find other ways to meet the needs, otherwise he has ye as he likes.

beauf

By doing nothing you and they are facilitating his behaviour.

Teach30

beauf wrote: »

They have to cut the apron strings. No other way.

Nothing you do will change someone's personality especially this late in life. You are deluded if you think anything will change.

I'd this guy drops dead, and they all rely on him for their jobs they are stuffed. They all need to walk away. If they don't and it bothers you so much you need to move out of the environment.

Life is short and deciding to spend it around negative people is waste of ones life.

No they’ll still have the jobs when he’s dead but he’s wants to give all to one when they are both working equally for him. Can’t explain it fully as I’m not privy to all the facts.
I haven’t enough money to move out at the minute so I’ve to listen away to it.

I know full well he won’t change I’m not that stupid, Just wondering what to say back to him really when he makes snide comments about us that’s all.

Mortelaro

Can we ask what sort of business is this?
Obviously don't give any details away that could identify ye
Apart from the home,what assets does he have to disburse?
If it's a construction firm or something like a business with a client list,it won't be worth a fart to the one sibling because two thirds of the remaining expertise is with the other sons and they can just set up on their own
So if that's the case,please ignore any taunts,they're meaningless
They're meaningless anyway given your mums big say
I bet he hates that,he sounds like an old timer with old fashioned ideas

Teach30

Mortelaro wrote: »

Can we ask what sort of business is this?
Obviously don't give any details away that could identify ye
Apart from the home,what assets does he have to disburse?
If it's a construction firm or something like a business with a client list,it won't be worth a fart to the one sibling because two thirds of the remaining expertise is with the other sons and they can just set up on their own
So if that's the case,please ignore any taunts,they're meaningless
They're meaningless anyway given your mums big say
I bet he hates that,he sounds like an old timer with old fashioned ideas

Yes very old fashioned in many ways. It’s agricultural employment. Home isn’t all his, either as I said v complicated situation. We do ignore him but gets tough when you know he thinks nothing of us yet will expect his meals served up etc. Old fashioned family living, won’t change too much if that makes sense.

rainbowtrout

Time to move out. You need to start saving to become independent.

You can't change your father's attitude no matter what you do, so don't waste your time trying. The next time he says something snarky to you just dismiss him calmly - do not fly off the handle - and say something like 'You've made your feelings known on that topic on numerous occasions, I don't agree with your view' and walk away and disengage.

If your mother wants to talk about it, just remind her that if she has final say in the will for whatever reason then she can leave the inheritance to whoever she wants. So there doesn't need to be any further discussion.


Not worth your while getting involved in why one child is favoured and both are in the employment of your father. Let them sort that out. You can waste a lot of energy on worrying about who is going to inherit, he could still be alive in 20 years time and you'd be no further along.

antix80

Teach30 wrote: »

Mother at wits end sick of his carry on but v little she can do.

If your experience is anything like mine..

Your mother is just as much to blame for his behaviour because she enables it to a large extent.

Your dad has a major chip on his shoulder. Whether he's ashamed of aging or not having real friends or just not happy with how his life's turned out so that his legacy - all he has to give in life is really just enough for one of his children. He wants you to respect it and value it, and therefore to respect him..

I think just remove yourself from it. My mistake was trying to tiptoe around my dad, while my mam played martyr/peacemaker and kept dragging me back into an atmosphere I mentally couldn't handle.. Even when I tried to arrange alternatives like meeting her in a coffee shop or my own home. Nope - not good enough for her. It had to be Sunday dinner, with him lording over it.

I think op, maybe your situation is different. But if there are parallels do yourself a favour and walk away from the house. If your mother is the one who insists on breaking down boundaries you try to set, you need to walk away from her too.

Learn to set boundaries with all your family, including siblings. They should not dominate your thoughts or negatively impact your life.

Teach30

antix80 wrote: »

If your experience is anything like mine..

Your mother is just as much to blame for his behaviour because she enables it to a large extent.

Your dad has a major chip on his shoulder. Whether he's ashamed of aging or not having real friends or just not happy with how his life's turned out so that his legacy - all he has to give in life is really just enough for one of his children. He wants you to respect it and value it, and therefore to respect him..

I think just remove yourself from it. My mistake was trying to tiptoe around my dad, while my mam played martyr/peacemaker and kept dragging me back into an atmosphere I mentally couldn't handle.. Even when I tried to arrange alternatives like meeting her in a coffee shop or my own home. Nope - not good enough for her. It had to be Sunday dinner, with him lording over it.

I think op, maybe your situation is different. But if there are parallels do yourself a favour and walk away from the house. If your mother is the one who insists on breaking down boundaries you try to set, you need to walk away from her too.

Learn to set boundaries with all your family, including siblings. They should not dominate your thoughts or negatively impact your life.

Thanks not sure how you could respect someone who can’t treat people equally or looks down on those he feels don’t work real jobs but nonetheless I agree that I do need to get out. Can’t go for another while but will eventually.

Can’t say I agree with just waking away for good setting boundaries etc, that would lead to a very lonely existence for all involved and not something I would be interested in.

Thanks all the same your situation sounds similar but mine doesn’t overly impact on me in my day to day life hence I’m in no rush to leave.
It just every now again the comments and behaviour gets annoying.

Teach30

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Time to move out. You need to start saving to become independent.

You can't change your father's attitude no matter what you do, so don't waste your time trying. The next time he says something snarky to you just dismiss him calmly - do not fly off the handle - and say something like 'You've made your feelings known on that topic on numerous occasions, I don't agree with your view' and walk away and disengage.

If your mother wants to talk about it, just remind her that if she has final say in the will for whatever reason then she can leave the inheritance to whoever she wants. So there doesn't need to be any further discussion.


Not worth your while getting involved in why one child is favoured and both are in the employment of your father. Let them sort that out. You can waste a lot of energy on worrying about who is going to inherit, he could still be alive in 20 years time and you'd be no further along.

Thanks that’s good advice appreciate it.

Can’t help but get involved particularly when we have been asked what should she do etc. It’s been going on for years. Very awkward situation and won’t be very easily resolved.
I’m not worried about it at all but can’t help be part of it if that makes sense.

Will eventually move away from it all but all in good time. Great to have a few solid phrases to throw at him so thanks for that.

Mortelaro

It sounds like a prison camp
Are the lads ,college educated as they are getting paid a decent wage,any hope of them moving out?
What happens when the girlfriends land over?
Are they allowed stay over?(in the same room)

Teach30

Mortelaro wrote: »

It sounds like a prison camp
Are the lads ,college educated as they are getting paid a decent wage,any hope of them moving out?
What happens when the girlfriends land over?
Are they allowed stay over?(in the same room)

I don’t see why it’s relevant but they’re all married and we all are college educated. No one would stay over it’s not that it’s a problem but the need for it would never have arisen. As for same rooms, that would be weird! Well for me it would be anyways.

rainbowtrout

Teach30 wrote: »

I don’t see why it’s relevant but they’re all married and we all are college educated. No one would stay over it’s not that it’s a problem but the need for it would never have arisen. As for same rooms, that would be weird! Well for me it would be anyways.

You said in one of your earlier posts that your siblings work for him and have no other qualifications so wouldn't get a job too easily. Hence being tied to the apron strings so to speak.

Now you're saying that you are all college educated. If they have a third level qualification they are well capable of getting a job elsewhere.

If nobody is willing to challenge your father, by refusing to engage with his snide remarks, by moving out, by getting jobs away from the home, by not challenging his treatment of the grandchildren, by spending all their time in the family home if they don't have to, nothing will change.

Teach30

rainbowtrout wrote: »

You said in one of your earlier posts that your siblings work for him and have no other qualifications so wouldn't get a job too easily. Hence being tied to the apron strings so to speak.

Now you're saying that you are all college educated. If they have a third level qualification they are well capable of getting a job elsewhere.

If nobody is willing to challenge your father, by refusing to engage with his snide remarks, by moving out, by getting jobs away from the home, by not challenging his treatment of the grandchildren, by spending all their time in the family home if they don't have to, nothing will change.

College educated in agriculture is what I mean, they’d be hard pressed to get an alternative line of work, not impossible but extremely difficult as they would have no alternative work experience. Perhaps nowadays it wouldn’t be regarded as third level but when they qualified it would have been. I hope that explains it a little better.

Also v difficult to challenge a man who has a significant amount of control over things and has my mother in a big predicament - she can’t please everyone.
We’re between a rock and a hard place.

qwerty13

Sorry OP, have you not posted about spending very very extensive amounts on your wedding (as in 5k on photography).

Would you not invest this money into moving out of your parents house, and away from your father’s direct control?

ETA: Is there an element of you all (him included) ‘keeping up appearances’? I really don’t understand why you and your siblings can’t take more action about moving out / away from your father.