Single guy in 30's looking for advice

LegacyUser

Hi there,

As the title says, I'm a single guy in my mid 30's looking for advice. I had one serious relationship in my 20's but nothing since then. I've been fairly passive with my social life and it's coming back to bite a bit now. Most of my friends have settled down and have 1-2 kids now. I'm still at a point where I'm too shy/passive to try and get dates from the women I'd like to date. A lot of my social life is very male dominated too - football etc. On the apps I was getting the odd date but mainly with women from outside Ireland and felt lack of spark on these dates due to lack of common ground. I felt physical attraction but found it hard to connect beyond that due to the language barrier. I have been happy enough with where I am in life up to this point but lately I've been comparing myself to friends with houses and kids and am feeling left behind. Just wondering if anyone is or has been in a similar situation. Have you any advice? Did you make more of a conscious effort to go and meet your partner or did it happen naturally? My nature is quite laid back and passive but I feel that maybe this isn't serving me well as I would like to settle down and have a family at some point. I also know I wouldn't like to be trying for a family in my late 30's/early 40's even though that is my only realistic option now.

TLDR: Fairly passive/laid back guy beginning to wonder if life is passing him by without taking many risks to meet OH.

Upforthematch

It sounds like you havent been too pushed about meeting someone the past few years. You say you're laid back but does that mean you prefer your own company? That's ok too. Don't let "society" or others expectations rule you, make your own choices.

Most people meet in 5 ways, in pubs, through work, through friends, through hobbies or online.

If online doesn't work for you, how about one of the other ways? Which appeals to you most?

joeguevara

Don't compare yourself to friends as it's not something you can control. Secondly having a partner and a house are separate things and if you want a house plan for that with budgeting and saving.

Look at your profile and get a female opinion if your not getting dates. That will help. But do things to make you happy not with the purpose to find someone.

Hope it works out.

silverharp

sounds like you just need to do a bit of self reflection and find a way to get some passion about life. being laid back isn't a positive trait as such. There have got to be things in your life that you are trying to improve, excited about challenges. If you have direction, women will find that attractive, whereas if you try to "sell" your current self you will face a lot of headwind.

Kidchameleon

It sounds from the OP that you do not own a house am I right about that? Women in their 30's have a very small fertility window left, a man who has his sh1t together (good money, home, security) will much more likely attract a woman than a laid back guy with no security. The women in the dating market in your age bracket have to consider their biological clock. Women in general don't want a laid back guy, they want someone with a bit of get up and go. Someone who can provide resources for herself and her children. That's not to say the right woman is not out there for you right now, but there are things you can do to increase your chances of finding someone.

zapper55

Theres a lot of generalisations about what women want. Owning a house means they've a huge debt and live in an area you wouldnt necessarily gravitate to if you were buying together. It's not what I or my female friends look for or care about.

A job, fairly happy in that job, doesnt have a chip on his shoulder about women (it amazes me how guys are oblivious to that in particular) doesnt carry around anger and has hobbies or interests in his life are much of what I look for.

Which sounds like the OP. Seems to me that its lack of opportunity rather than anything else.

Could you ask your friends or their partners if theres anyone they could set you up with? I didnt love online dating but found meetup.com good for meeting all types of people in person.

LuciX

zapper55 wrote: »

I didnt love online dating but found meetup.com good for meeting all types of people in person.

That's you zapper55, an open minded person.
The issue here is the OP is clearly not interested in meeting all types of people.

NotSureWhatToDo wrote: »

On the apps I was getting the odd date but mainly with women from outside Ireland and felt lack of spark on these dates due to lack of common ground. I felt physical attraction but found it hard to connect beyond that due to the language barrier.

Lack of common ground - acceptable excuse one
Language barrier - acceptable excuse two

Fingers crossed the perfect Irish catch will cross his path soon.
Could be you zapper55! :pac:

The friends arranging a set up is a great idea. Go for it OP!
Desperate times call for desperate measures

On the apps I was getting the odd date but mainly with women from outside Ireland and felt lack of spark on these dates due to lack of common ground.

I always loved foreign women OP ... so much to talk about since your cultures are so different. I'd consider that you attract foreign women an advantage ... to each his own I guess.

GeetarPick

It's a real pity that introverts get such a bad deal in Ireland. Theres so much pressure to conform to the extroverted way or you're outcast as a "creep" or "weirdo" by a bunch of judgemental morons.

cannotlogin

Forget It For Now wrote: »

For sure. Women have a real dislike of introverted men. You'll never see a woman tell a man he's too loud or he talks too much.

Not sure, I agree with this at all. I'd never tell a man, he's too loud but much prefer someone with a quiet confidence rather than someone who needs to be the life and soul of every gathering or who loves the sound of their own voice.

Decent, single men in their 30s/early 40s are like gold dust, (take it from someone who is looking for them!). With a little bit of effort, you'll have your pick of women!!

Heres Johnny

cannotlogin wrote: »

Not sure, I agree with this at all. I'd never tell a man, he's too loud but much prefer someone with a quiet confidence rather than someone who needs to be the life and soul of every gathering or who loves the sound of their own voice.

Decent, single men in their 30s/early 40s are like gold dust, (take it from someone who is looking for them!). With a little bit of effort, you'll have your pick of women!!

Not sure I'd agree with that now to be honest. You've described the majority of single men in their 30s and early 40s as indecent there. Reverse the genders and see how it would sound coming from a man about most women in the same age bracket.

cannotlogin

Heres Johnny wrote: »

Not sure I'd agree with that now to be honest. You've described the majority of single men in their 30s and early 40s as indecent there. Reverse the genders and see how it would sound coming from a man about most women in the same age bracket.

Indecent wasn't what I meant at all!! I meant single men that age are rare as most are already in relationships!

Heres Johnny

cannotlogin wrote: »

Indecent wasn't what I meant at all!! I meant single men that age are rare as most are already in relationships!

No rarer than single women of same age I would have thought. Why say decent then? I wouldn't say that about single women

Sottol

I have to agree that single men in their 30’s are like a myth! I can’t claim that I’ve made a lot of effort in the last 12 months - have had a few dates but nothing that has gone anywhere. Of the 5 options someone mentioned above none have really worked for me...
I’m hoping to make more of an effort next year but also not sure how to try.. Meeting at work is not possible due to my position, meeting through friends also isn’t possible, in the pub - I find guys don’t follow through with anything, online seems a disaster! So also struggling to figure out how to make things work...... perhaps boards is the next option! ðŸ˜

Jenneke87

GeetarPick wrote: »

It's a real pity that introverts get such a bad deal in Ireland. Theres so much pressure to conform to the extroverted way or you're outcast as a "creep" or "weirdo" by a bunch of judgemental morons.

People tend to confuse introversy for social anxiety, which is something completely different..I would personality prefer someone more introverted than an extravert.

GeetarPick

Jenneke87 wrote: »

People of ten confuse introversy for social anxiety, which is something completely different..I would personality creëer someone more introverted than an extravert.

I'm fairly introverted and am fairly sick of the "what's wrong" and "you're a bit quiet" comments. You'd be in the minority.

Jenneke87

Perhaps, I'm not so sure though, but that's because I'm an introvert as well, albeit one that doesn't have that much of a problem talking to strangers, but it be fairly exhausting for me to hang out with someone who is a true extravert. For me the book " Quiet" was a real eye-opener, if you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.

GeetarPick

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Perhaps, I'm not so sure though, but that's because I'm an introvert as well, albeit one that doesn't have that much of a problem talking to strangers, but it be fairly exhausting for me to hang out with someone who is a true extravert. For me the book " Quiet" was a real eye-opener, if you haven't read it, I highly recommend it.

Will check it out

santana75

Kidchameleon wrote: »

It sounds from the OP that you do not own a house am I right about that? Women in their 30's have a very small fertility window left, a man who has his sh1t together (good money, home, security) will much more likely attract a woman than a laid back guy with no security. The women in the dating market in your age bracket have to consider their biological clock. Women in general don't want a laid back guy, they want someone with a bit of get up and go. Someone who can provide resources for herself and her children. That's not to say the right woman is not out there for you right now, but there are things you can do to increase your chances of finding someone.

What is this^^^^^^^^^? Not once did you mention things that actually matter, like love, honour, honesty, kindness, loyalty. Any man who has any sense wouldn't go near a woman who sizes him up in terms of resources. That's someone only looking to take and not to give or share. Op steer well clear of attitudes such as this, massive red flag.

Tuco88

Any bloke who goes on about women and "clocks and time"

Just a DOPE...

worded

30s is a good age for a guy to be single if not ideal really

You can date women from 20 to 60. Younger women can find older guys attractive

Foreign women can be very interesting to chat to also

Best of luck OP the world is your lobster

S.G.M.

Find myself in a similar position to the OP. Would consider myself an extroverted introvert. I would consider myself a confident person but I totally get the 'mistaken of being an introvert as having social anxiety'.
I'm not quiet either. I'm a massive messer and don't take many things too seriously.
When it comes to women, I'm more than comfortable chatting to a woman in any setting, however I will admit that my flirting need a bit of work. I've noticed I've got the 'Oh you'd like her, she's lovely and reserved' etc when a female friend has thought about setting me up with a their friends.
They assume just because I'm not shouting to have my voice heard the loudest that I need a woman that is 'reserved' when I'm fact, I'm attracted to women that are really bubbly and with a cracking personality. It can be very frustrating.

one world order

Tuco88 wrote: »

Any bloke who goes on about women and "clocks and time"

Just a DOPE...

It's the truth whether you like it or not. As men are programmed to be attracted to women of fertile age that look healthy, women are attracted to mature minded men that can provide for their offspring. A man in his 30's that has his sh*t together and treats women with respect is very much sought after. Unfortunately there are a lot of immature assholes out there.

ILoveYourVibes

one world order wrote: »

A man in his 30's that has his sh*t together and treats women with respect is very much sought after.

I actually 100% agree with you on this. But ....then why is the op single?

I mean its not the be all and end all. Its certainly not impossible to find someone. But we all both men and women have to have our own lives in order before we have a relationship.

There are exceptions of course. I do know friends who in no way have their lives in order and have ...relationships kids even. But you have to be a VERY strong woman or man to be with those people.

I am not saying they don't have a lot to give etc. But there you go.

Its always worth working on your own life.

Kidchameleon

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I actually 100% agree with you on this. But ....then why is the op single?

And that is the crux of the issue. The OP needs to get his sh1t together. Posters telling him its all love, sunshine and lollipops is not helpful to him. The women whom he is in the dating market with (30's) have different needs than those in their 20's. A man in his 30's needs to be a good provider. Its harsh but it is reality

HamSarris

Firstly it sounds OP that you were happy but then starting comparing yourself to your friends and this made you feel inferior. It’s important to realise that marriage and kids is 99.5% sleep deprivation, sexual deprivation, anxiety, disgust, apathy, feeling trapped, debt and 0.5% moments of meaning as your children develop. In simple, terms don’t expect marriage and kids to make you any happier, it’s a sacrifice of happiness and freedom for greater security and meaning.

Your performance on the online apps isn’t that surprising, any guys average or below will get almost no attention. If you keep using the apps to meet someone, don’t date Irish women as you will be dating way below your level. An average 30 something woman can get 100s of matches in a week so she’s not going to choose another average guy to date – Irish women will choose the most attractive of their matches to date. Foreign women, especially Brazilian women, are much more wary and suspicious of dating the attractive guy as they realise he is less likely to have ‘honourable intentions’. Brazilian women will value an average guy if they treat her with respect and give her their time. Online, Irish women have already told you they’re looking for something better – that better may never come but don’t expect them to drop their standards anytime soon.

Being passive and introverted isn’t a flaw, it’s a personality dimension. Not caring about **** in today’s world can be quite advantageous to help you endure life. The downside is that you're likely to be less motivated and ambitious. It’s ultimately a trade off between stress and motivation and can only be answered based on your core values. For example, some people may have great pride buying a house, other people may feel trapped in a mortgage.

If you decide to stick with your passive approach to life, be aware that your culture will make you feel terrible about yourself. Basically, if you feel life is grand and don’t want to change, you’re not contributing to the capitalist system/market economy., Every day you will be subliminally told that’s there’s something wrong with you and that you need to buy a house, have a baby, get into debt etc. to make yourself feel better.

Lastly, bey wary of women giving you false hope with statements like, “any decent guy in his 30s will be fighting off the women”. This is entirely a projection women use to make themselves feel better – it’s simple for them to think that their dating problems are due to only drug addicts and convicts being available. It’s harder for them to realise that there’s the exact same number of single men in their 30s as women. My sense is that the nature of women’s standards in their 30s do change but the bar does not lower. They may have slightly lower standards for attractiveness but increase their standards for income and status. If you want to increase your income and status for yourself then great - but if you do it solely to attract women the process will be pure endurance and you'll likely feel very miserable.

woodchuck

Mod warning:

@HamSarris, that's enough of the generalisations about women and different nationalities.

I also want to give a general reminder to all posters to keep things on topic - please only post if you advice to offer the OP.

blarb

Hi OP,

If a relationship is something your truly want then it is going to involve a few risks and a bit of proactivity in my opinion! I've been single most of my life and it was only when I got proactive about meeting people and taking risks (online dating, meetups etc) that I found people to date!

It sounds like you are content enough at the moment, and that this is more about having a particular kind of future (marriage and kids). But do you feel like you want a partner right now? It doesn't come across very strongly in your post. You are thinking very logically, in that if you want to be doing the family thing in the next few years then you might want to have a stab at being more proactive and trying to take a couple of risks here and there. It could be worth it even just for the enjoyment of dating someone for a while. I have been happy enough being single at times, but there's something about having someone special in my life that gives me a bit of a pep in my step, regardless of future plans. (That could be the regular sex though ;-) ).

Nothing ventured nothing gained OP. I'd say try something new and see how you feel!

S.G.M.

blarb wrote:

If a relationship is something your truly want then it is going to involve a few risks and a bit of proactivity in my opinion! I've been single most of my life and it was only when I got proactive about meeting people and taking risks (online dating, meetups etc) that I found people to date!

I agree with this but what about the amount of people that say, 'You'll find what you're looking for when you stop looking'.

blarb

S.G.M. wrote: »

I agree with this but what about the amount of people that say, 'You'll find what you're looking for when you stop looking'.

Yep it's a strange one, I do think that's true too! (Confusing as it is!). I think it's in our mental attitude - if we desperately want someone/thing really quite badly, then it can actually have the opposite effect, whether we're proactive about it or not.

But I believe if you're generally content enough in yourself, and a partner feels like more of a "nice to have" than a "must have", then you still need to put yourself in situations where you CAN meet someone. I think it's very rare for someone to just show up at your door/to your football club etc and for you to hit it off and go sailing off into the sunset. Not saying it's impossible, but very very rare and lucky if that's the case!

I also think dating and putting ourselves in new situations in general can teach us a lot about ourselves and what we want in relationships (and life!). So I don't see any harm in trying something new for the sake of learning and growth:)

Edit: I'm still single so I certainly haven't sussed this yet lol, but I definitely feel I'm closer to finding someone for the long term than I was a few years ago when I was too shy to put myself out there. I suppose it's up to the OP to weigh up how much he wants to go out of his comfort zone, and for him to decide on the best course of action for himself. Each to their own and all that!

bitofabind

NotSureWhatToDo wrote: »

. I've been fairly passive with my social life and it's coming back to bite a bit now.

Change this. Try to widen your circle. If you're into your fitness then that's a great opportunity to try some new classes (F45, HIIT, CrossFit etc - reams of women in these), join a running club or a hiking meetup group. And use the friends you already have - spend more time with them, initiate meetings, suss out the friends that have single friends, try to get introduced etc.

The "you'll meet them when you least expect it" is frankly bollix that couples say. You have to be out there and make the effort, especially if you're not naturally a social, proactive sort. You also need to be "used" to dating IME - as in, you've got options and you know how to lead in these situations. I've met heaps of hapless men who were lovely but just didn't know how to communicate about what they wanted - the type that might ask me out and then wait for me to suggest a place to meet up. I'll generalise here - women like a guy who knows how to do the dating dance and isn't afraid to be forward and direct. If that's not you - you're probably not being clear enough with the women you meet and are giving mixed messages. Something to work on and the best way to work on it is to get out there and date, date, date.

We all know those people in life who never seem to be single. I've looked at some examples in my own life, and the common factor I see is that they're out there looking every day and creating opportunities. They approach women and ask them out. They almost advertise that they're single shamelessly and are looking to meet someone. That's why they rarely are - because the opportunities are everywhere when you want to see them.

S.G.M.

bitofabind wrote:

The "you'll meet them when you least expect it" is frankly bollix that couples say. You have to be out there and make the effort, especially if you're not naturally a social, proactive sort. You also need to be "used" to dating IME - as in, you've got options and you know how to lead in these situations. I've met heaps of hapless men who were lovely but just didn't know how to communicate about what they wanted - the type that might ask me out and then wait for me to suggest a place to meet up. I'll generalise here - women like a guy who knows how to do the dating dance and isn't afraid to be forward and direct. If that's not you - you're probably not being clear enough with the women you meet and are giving mixed messages. Something to work on and the best way to work on it is to get out there and date, date, date.

I agree with this. I wud have struggled in the past with the dating dance as was seen here. Asking out at the wrong time etc it's definitely something that can be worked on.

S.G.M.

bitofabind wrote:

We all know those people in life who never seem to be single. I've looked at some examples in my own life, and the common factor I see is that they're out there looking every day and creating opportunities. They approach women and ask them out. They almost advertise that they're single shamelessly and are looking to meet someone. That's why they rarely are - because the opportunities are everywhere when you want to see them.

But does advertising not put a lot of women off? That sounds very desperate. They may be in relationships but if they are in a number of one's then they aren't meeting the right people doing that.
I do agree with your point though but I think you also have to be very careful not to come off desperate.
You have to give off the 'Im happy with my life, convince me to let you into it' vibe.

bitofabind

It's not desperate when you're a happy guy with a good life you enjoy and are confident in what you're offering. That's the difference.

It's just dismissing this fear of rejection we all have and taking a playful approach to women, taking your chances when you meet someone you like and being a bit flirty, testing the boundaries, as opposed to a caveman "you woman, me man" type of thing.

It's hard to meet the right person, no question about it. But it's impossible if you're doing absolutely nothing about it. Be open, be confident, take the bull by the horns when you meet someone you like and statistically your chances are a hell of a lot higher already.

S.G.M.

I get ya, I thought the 'shamelessly advertising themselves' sounded desperate lol
Yeah that way sounds like a positive way to approach things.

santana75

OP the "You'll meet them when you least expect it" is not bollox, as someone said. It's true. But you have to genuinely and completely let go. It's not pretending, like whistling as you walk by a graveyard. Its having a clear purpose in life and pursuing that with all of yourself. When you do this you literally do not even think about dating or trying to get with someone. But the paradox is that when you are in this state of mind people come to you, without any effort on your part. You meet people and you're not even trying because you don't need them. You realise you're complete already. So you're relaxed and not performing. You can't try to synthesize this way of being, it has to be real, you can't secretly have a hidden agenda to meet someone, you have to be willing to let that go entirely. Like be ok with never being married or even meeting someone. When you get to that point then you're free and relaxed and that's when these things happen without effort. But most people wont let go that's why they think this is bollox.

Daisy78

santana75 wrote: »

OP the "You'll meet them when you least expect it" is not bollox, as someone said. It's true. But you have to genuinely and completely let go. It's not pretending, like whistling as you walk by a graveyard. Its having a clear purpose in life and pursuing that with all of yourself. When you do this you literally do not even think about dating or trying to get with someone. But the paradox is that when you are in this state of mind people come to you, without any effort on your part. You meet people and you're not even trying because you don't need them. You realise you're complete already. So you're relaxed and not performing. You can't try to synthesize this way of being, it has to be real, you can't secretly have a hidden agenda to meet someone, you have to be willing to let that go entirely. Like be ok with never being married or even meeting someone. When you get to that point then you're free and relaxed and that's when these things happen without effort. But most people wont let go that's why they think this is bollox.

This might happen for some but not all. I’ve seen plenty of people who spent years not looking for someone, their attention focused on other stuff going on in their life and they still end up single. I spent many years myself not expecting anything and I still ended up with nothing to show for it! It’s a nice idea but it really doesn’t work out that way for everyone.

worded

<mod snip>

Discussion of Pick-Up-Artists (PUA) methods and techniques are not allowed on this forum. Consider this a warning.

bitofabind

Daisy78 wrote: »

This might happen for some but not all. I’ve seen plenty of people who spent years not looking for someone, their attention focused on other stuff going on in their life and they still end up single. I spent many years myself not expecting anything and I still ended up with nothing to show for it! It’s a nice idea but it really doesn’t work out that way for everyone.

+1 to this. Santana, that sounds lovely and all but as far as practical advice goes, it's like telling someone to "be yourself".

IME the longer you are single, the more you get used to it so you can go off and start living your best purposeful life, but that doesn't mean you'll suddenly bump into your life partner, especially when you're out of practice with women / men and not used to spotting or seeking out these opportunities.

Sure, create a life that you love where you're not reliant on meeting someone to validate your existence. It'll make you less likely to end up in a toxic relationship. However, it doesn't help the OP with what he wants in the short to medium term, which is a partner and a family. That starts with changing what he's currently doing that's not working, and that's being passive about his social and dating life.