Partner offended i borrowed money from my parents

LolaJJ

I ended up with a bill for something that was completely unexpected and not my fault. (Healthy insurance rejected my claim) Circa €3,500.

I live with my partner of over 2 years and we are happy together, late thirties.

When I was going through all of this both he and my parents offered to loan me the money.

He has plenty of money, more than my folks have but I was much more comfortable borrowing from them.

As there is a financial imbalance in our relationship anyway, as in, he has lots of money and i just earn a fairly standard salary for someone my age......I tend to feel a bit insecure about that and absolutely over-compensate. I buy all of our groceries and house stuff, get him gifts all the time etc. He pays when we go out but we go to really nice places, I'll get drinks etc.

He has an obsession with money and is constantly trying to earn bonuses, get promoted etc. I just need enough and I'm grand. I have no mad desire to be wealthy...

Anyway, as soon as I mentioned that I'd paid the bill with money loaned from my parents he was really offended and upset. He did the whole "whats' mine is yours speech" etc.... Like we aren't married, so I don't get why he would say that. Esp since he is the one who wants to delay getting married!!!!

But, what's bothering me is that he wasn't angry with me, just seemed really disappointed and confused by my decision to go to them..

Was I wrong? I mean, I hate hurting him......but I want our relationship to be about other things, not money, and I guess having a debt to him would make me feel really uncomfortable.

punisher5112

If you're together then that's how relationship work usually so I can see where he is coming from and shows he cares for you.

Talk to him and let him know how you feel and you didn't want to seem as you were using him or whatever the reason.


I'd rather be asked then see my now wife in trouble or under stress if there was something I could help with.

LegacyUser

Sounds like keeping finances seperate so much is probably making him feel ye aren't a team.

From the sounds of it, he sees the two of you as a unit ie pooled resources, and that any expenses that come in, regardless of who it came from, gets paid from the one pot. Whereas you keep drawing a line between the two incomes and seperating expenses.

Maybe have a chat on how you want to manage finances esp if ye are getting married ?

LegacyUser

I understand why you did it OP. I also would feel more comfortable asking parents rather than my OH. I know plenty will say that partners are meant to help each other out but when it comes to burrowing money I would feel very uncomfortable owing someone I see all the time, I'd feel I couldn't spend any money on non essentials until I'd paid them back which would put a lot of pressure on me. I know my OH would say it was fine and pay them back when I had it but it would just nag at me as we live together so they'd know what I was and wasn't spending money on. I don't see it as a much different to burrowing from parents but the key difference is I don't see my parents every single day.

I do think you need to talk to your OH OP as it sounds like money and attitudes to are different in your relationship and long term if you get married, get a house, have a kids etc it could become a point of contention. It's not bad to have different attitudes to money but you need to understand each others views to work together

eviltwin

I get where he's coming from. When you are partners it's not your money and his money, you're a family so it's a collective pot. An unexpected bill for you affects him too so it's natural he will want to help pay it. By going to your parents it's like you don't trust him enough to tell him, maybe he's worried about how it makes him look. I think the issue here isn't that he got upset but that you didn't feel you could share it with him.

vandriver

I find the concept of borrowing from your partner...odd.
It's a family expense,and you are a family.

coolbeans

eviltwin wrote: »

I get where he's coming from. When you are partners it's not your money and his money, you're a family so it's a collective pot.

With respect that's bull****. No marriage equals no shared assets. These notions of what's mine is yours aren't worth the paper they're not written on. Either party can just jog on in the morning without any liability to the other.

I also get where the OP is coming from in the first instance in not wanting to borrow from her partner. As she said there is a financial imbalance there already and her being indebted to him would only exacerbate that. At the end of the day it becomes a power imbalance within the relationship and that can be very damaging.

bucketybuck

vandriver wrote: »

I find the concept of borrowing from your partner...odd.
It's a family expense,and you are a family.

And he isn't. And the OP has just made that very clear to him.

I know if I was with somebody 2 years and they felt they couldn't turn to me first, I would have to wonder what that relationship even was.

tara73

it's hard to judge in this case OP, as we don't know him.
when you first described him in your post, him being obsessed with money, I thought he would have lend you the money if you would have asked but would not have been too happy about it.
but you didn't describe this personality. so I don't know, if he means what he's saying I think he has a point and you could be actually really happy he's thinking that way. there are a lot of threads here where one partner can't cope with contributing more financially into a relationship because he/she earns more.

he seems to see you both as equals, and the one earning more jumping in for the other. that's 'perfect' for a longterm relationship, especially if kids come along. do you still want to pay everything equally even if you're probably minding the kids in the first month? that's not realistic.

I understand your concerns, you don't want to 'sponge off' someone but I think you need to learn to accept help from a longterm partner.

eviltwin

coolbeans wrote: »

With respect that's bull****. No marriage equals no shared assets. These notions of what's mine is yours aren't worth the paper they're not written on. Either party can just jog on in the morning without any liability to the other.

I also get where the OP is coming from in the first instance in not wanting to borrow from her partner. As she said there is a financial imbalance there already and her being indebted to him would only exacerbate that. At the end of the day it becomes a power imbalance within the relationship and that can be very damaging.

You don't need to be married to have a relationship where money is pooled. With respect I dont think its BS that a couple living together for two years would choose to do that, it would be totally different if they weren't serious. Unless the OP has reason to feel the partner would hold the payment of the bill over her I can't see why she could not have taken his money.

zapper55

He doesnt know what's going on in your head so I'm not surprised he's hurt. Also he seems to place a lot of worth on having his own wealth so it's a double whammy.

I think this problem is part of a bigger picture. Does he know how uncomfortable you are with the unequal salaries? I think you need to bite the bullet and say it to him. Honestly if I was with a partner that kept going on about money, his bonus etc, I wouldn't feel comfortable borrowing off him either. Would he go on about the loan if you did do you think?

It's not sustainable trying to equal his contribution if you are paid far less. God forbid ye broke up, would you have any savings etc.

Money is a tricky subject in relationships but if you dont talk about it now resentment will just build.

GalwayGrrrrrl

I find borrowing money from parents when you are in your late thirties a bit strange to be honest. I would never borrow from my parents, once I left university and got a job, that was it. I stood on my own two feet, until I was married then pooled resources with my husband. Unless we were both about to be made homeless I wouldn’t borrow from a parent. It’s quite a childish thing to do and maybe your partner feels the same.

Heres Johnny

He sounds a decent guy to be honest, I'm engaged and I'd lend or give my fiance anything I could I wouldn't like her to ask her parents either.

listermint

coolbeans wrote: »

With respect that's bull****. No marriage equals no shared assets. These notions of what's mine is yours aren't worth the paper they're not written on. Either party can just jog on in the morning without any liability to the other.

I also get where the OP is coming from in the first instance in not wanting to borrow from her partner. As she said there is a financial imbalance there already and her being indebted to him would only exacerbate that. At the end of the day it becomes a power imbalance within the relationship and that can be very damaging.

If you think a relationship is a power imbalance because one earns more than the other then I wouldn't chance going out with any women because due to how the world's arse ended rewards system women generally are worse paid than their male counterparts.

So that said I'd suggest you look hard at how you view money as a power object otherwise you might be in for some sad relationships ahead.

MissShihTzu

GalwayGrrrrrl wrote: »

I find borrowing money from parents when you are in your late thirties a bit strange to be honest. I would never borrow from my parents, once I left university and got a job, that was it. I stood on my own two feet, until I was married then pooled resources with my husband. Unless we were both about to be made homeless I wouldn’t borrow from a parent. It’s quite a childish thing to do and maybe your partner feels the same.

I find this post insulting and judgmental to be honest. Did you not read and understand the OP? She earns much less than her partner. Yes -it's great to stand on your own two feet. I've done that and never borrowed from my parents either - big deal. But I know my (departed) parents would far rather I asked them for help than to get into debt with a lending institution. How on earth is that childish? She is hardly asking strangers for money. And she wouldn't have done it if it wasn't completely necessary. It wasn't for nonsense - it was for a medical bill!!

For whatever reason, she didn't feel comfortable asking her partner. They are not married, so she would have to ask and not dip in the 'pool' Who are you to judge? Who are we to judge??

OP - Sit down and have a chat with your partner. I completely understand where each of you are coming from TBH. Explain your reasons, and hopefully he will understand.

I hope it works for you!

bucketybuck

MissShihTzu wrote: »

For whatever reason, she didn't feel comfortable asking her partner.

You can't just say "for whatever reason" as if it doesn't matter.

It does matter, its actually the core of the issue here, what sort of partnership is it when he isn't the person she turns to for help?

MissShihTzu

bucketybuck wrote: »

You can't just say "for whatever reason" as if it doesn't matter.

It does matter, its actually the core of the issue here, what sort of partnership is it when he isn't the person she turns to for help?

Well actually, it doesn't matter. To us. The OP needs to explain her reasoning to her partner. That's between them. That's why I suggested she sits down and has an honest chat with him.

bucketybuck

MissShihTzu wrote: »

I find this post insulting and judgmental to be honest.

MissShihTzu wrote: »

Well actually, it doesn't matter. To us.

Most of us already know that this isn't about us.

Its one thing to say "sit down and talk to him", the point would be to think long and hard about what they need to talk about, because it may not be quite as simple as "I didn't want to ask you for money, here are my reasons, hope you are ok with that".

To the OP, consider that he may have felt a bit emasculated by you not asking him, and again it comes back to what sort of relationship you have and how you both see various roles. For example, how does he now feel when he meets your parents? If my partners parents had to step in and help her I know I would feel a little awkward, wondering if they think less of me for not helping my partner/their daughter. They may not be thinking that at all, but human nature is what it is, so even if they said nothing of the sort he may still feel a bit self conscious about it all.

AulWan

LolaJJ wrote: »

.but I want our relationship to be about other things, not money, and I guess having a debt to him would make me feel really uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, though I see where you are coming from, unwittingly, you just made it about money - even though that was what you were trying to avoid.

I honestly do understand why you borrowed off your parents but your partner must feel like you distrust him, and that's hurtful, even if it was not your intention.

All you can do is sit him down and try to talk it through with him.

Batgurl

A lot of people are missing a possible reason for borrowing from their parents, which the OP hinted at.

The partner doesn’t want to get engaged. The OP does and the partner is pushing back.

Borrowing from the parents might be an unconscious way to say “You know what? Grand. I don’t need you either!” It’s possibly a stubborn streak in the OP to prove some sort of point.

I kind of get it. If someone pushes you away in one way, it’s difficult not to want to retaliate in some other way. If that’s the case, you probably should have an adult conversation with him, where you discuss your feelings and he acknowledges what you want from the future.

lainey_d_123

vandriver wrote: »

I find the concept of borrowing from your partner...odd.
It's a family expense,and you are a family.

This very much depends on the person/people. I was with a man for 6 years (living together most of that time) who never considered our finances shared. I had some serious money issues (not my fault...like OP, health stuff) and he never offered to help, but he always had plenty of money to buy drinks for randoms at the pub.

I realised I didn't want a life with someone like that, but these people do exist. Doesn't sound like OP's partner is like this though. I'd think the norm would be to ask your partner before your parents, especially in your late thirties when your parents are probably retired!

tara73

Batgurl wrote: »

I kind of get it. If someone pushes you away in one way, it’s difficult not to want to retaliate in some other way. If that’s the case, you probably should have an adult conversation with him, where you discuss your feelings and he acknowledges what you want from the future.

very good point. OP, maybe you've done it subconsciously, but could it be you feel rejected and that's why trust is gone from your side a bit?

AulWan

The OP says he wants to delay getting married, not that he doesn't want to.

But, you've just given her a nice piece of ammunition to throw at him if a row does ensue!

Batgurl

AulWan wrote: »

The OP says he wants to delay getting married, not that he doesn't want to.

But, you've just given her a nice piece of ammunition to throw at him if a row does ensue!

Spoken like a true bloke!

The OP also said they are late 30’s. If one were to make an educated assumption on her intentions, she doesn’t really have time to “delay”.

AulWan

Batgurl wrote: »

Spoken like a true bloke!.

Sorry to disappoint but I'm not a bloke.

The OP doesn't go into the reasons why he wants to delay and thats not really the issue here anyway.

Nothing the OP has said would make me doubt this guy's commitment to the relationship.

strandroad

OP did your partner offer to lend this sum to you, or to give it without asking you to repay? It's not clear and it would make a difference in how to interpret his reaction.

If he wanted to lend it to you, meaning that you keep your finances separate, what difference does it make who you borrowed it from? He shouldn't feel hurt at all. You asked whoever was available to ask, parents or partners or friends same difference.

But if he wanted you to have it as part of your shared resources, it seems that you have a very different understanding of how you approach your finances and a serious conversation is needed. That your partner is keen on maximising his income does not necessarily mean that he intends to hoard it for himself, he might want to earn loads to share it with you. I was always the bigger and more ambitious earner but I would always share it with my partner whenever he needed it, and he would contribute in other ways.

Batgurl

AulWan wrote: »

Sorry to disappoint but I'm not a bloke.

The OP doesn't go into the reasons why he wants to delay and thats not really the issue here anyway.

Nothing the OP has said would make me doubt this guy's commitment to the relationship.

With all due respect, I feel you are being a bit naive. If it’s not really the issue, why did the OP mention it?

The OP specifically mentioned it and delaying an engagement in your late 30’s is certainly a possible reason to doubt the guys commitment to the relationship. There are countless threads on boards from women wondering this EXACT thing!

rob316

On the subject of sharing money. My wife is pretty insistent on having her money and anything she asks me for she gives back. When I say asks me, I'm talking a couple hundred quid. Obviously when it comes to household expenses and purchases nothing is said. Is that strange?
She says she doesn't want a joint account and me analysing everything spent. I don't have any problem with it as long as all savings and bills are met first. It works like I'm just wondering do other couples do this?

zapper55

Anyways....

OP hope you can have a chat with your boyfriend about this soon.

wiggle16

Mod warning:

A number of posts in this thread have been deleted as they offered no advice to the OP. Any more back and forth between posters in this thread and cards will start going out. If you have an issue with another poster or post, report it.

Posting in the thread in order to direct a jab or insult at another poster is not acceptable. If you don't have advice, don't post.

coolbeans

listermint wrote: »

So that said I'd suggest you look hard at how you view money as a power object otherwise you might be in for some sad relationships ahead.

You should read more closely. All I'm saying is the relationship can't be that serious if there's no actual commitment in terms of future plans. On that basis I'd avoid borrowing from a partner if at all possible. If that changes in the form of marriage, civil partnership, engagement whatever then OK what's mine is yours. Furthermore, of course money is a power object. Don't be so naive. For that very reason it's best to keep it out of the equation unless one is in a committed, long term relationship with a future. Yer man has no right to be offended whatsoever. The OP has a choice; be in hock to her partner of two years or to her family. I know what choice I'd make in the absence of actual commitment from said partner. If he makes a big issue out of it or can't let it go then that's a problem.

ILoveYourVibes

No you are not wrong. You have done NOTHING wrong. He is being illogical and silly.

coolbeans

Also, never borrow from someone who's got an obsession with money. That debt will always be on their mind as they're, you know, obsessed with money.

SusanC10

OP - I think that you need to have a think about overall finances and talk to your Partner about how you both organise and view them in regards to all expenses - not just everyday stuff but including emergency ones too.

I see where you are coming from and if I were in your shoes and not engaged or married and not pooling finances, I would have done the same as you tbh.

My Husband and I did not pool finances completely until after we were married. We did pool savings in order to buy our house after we were engaged but in terms of everything else it was after we were married.

Everyone is different on how they view finances. We agreed with each other on our own approach. Communication is key. Talk to him.

beauf

It's a partnership and you need to have an agreement about finances. Sounds like you haven't done this.

It's about commitment, control and balance.

Imagine two friends go on holiday and one is rich and one isn't. Do they not go on holiday because one can't afford it. If one of them pays for it, do they dictate what happens on the holiday. What happens if they have a falling out.

Another example is someone who always buys the drinks and never lets you buy them one back. This is either nice, or demeaning even if unintentional.

beauf

LolaJJ wrote: »

...

....

Anyway, as soon as I mentioned that I'd paid the bill with money loaned from my parents he was really offended and upset. He did the whole "whats' mine is yours speech" etc.... Like we aren't married, so I don't get why he would say that. Esp since he is the one who wants to delay getting married!!!!

But, what's bothering me is that he wasn't angry with me, just seemed really disappointed and confused by my decision to go to them..

....

I guess this raises another question. At what point do you feel you more than a temporary commitment to someone one. A sign of commitment doesn't have to be marriage.

But 2yrs isn't that long to be together.

LegacyUser

LolaJJ wrote: »

I buy all of our groceries and house stuff, get him gifts all the time etc. He pays when we go out but we go to really nice places, I'll get drinks etc.

I think this particular episode isn't the problem, it's really only a symptom of the fact that your combined approach to shared finances is unhealthy, as shown by what I've quoted above. If there's no fairness, transparency and agreement on a regular approach then you end up with resentment.

LolaJJ wrote: »

Anyway, as soon as I mentioned that I'd paid the bill with money loaned from my parents he was really offended and upset.

Given that he's been delaying marriage and is "obsessed" with earning money, this would suggest to me that he has some insecurities and probably needs to feel like he's earning well enough to plan your future together, but simultaneously worried that once you get married you have access to whatever finance he's built up. Those feelings end up being expressed as controlling behaviour, such as expecting you to only borrow money from him rather than borrowing it wherever you can do it most comfortably for you. I suspect you already know that and if it entered your mind to ask him for the money, you decided not to because you knew it would make you more dependent and indebted. It may not have even crossed your mind to borrow from him, for the same subconscious reasons.

I'd suggest you drill down a long way from this situation and examine whether or not you're actually going in the same direction, or more to the point, if you *should* be going in the same direction.

osarusan

strandroad wrote: »

OP did your partner offer to lend this sum to you, or to give it without asking you to repay? It's not clear and it would make a difference in how to interpret his reaction.

If he wanted to lend it to you, meaning that you keep your finances separate, what difference does it make who you borrowed it from? He shouldn't feel hurt at all. You asked whoever was available to ask, parents or partners or friends same difference.

But if he wanted you to have it as part of your shared resources, it seems that you have a very different understanding of how you approach your finances and a serious conversation is needed. That your partner is keen on maximising his income does not necessarily mean that he intends to hoard it for himself, he might want to earn loads to share it with you. I was always the bigger and more ambitious earner but I would always share it with my partner whenever he needed it, and he would contribute in other ways.

My thoughts also.

OP would suggest that when he first talked about it, it was a loan, but when she ended up getting the money from her parents instead, he made a 'what's mine is yours' speech.

But if it's a loan, it's not a 'what's mine is yours' scenario. It doesn't seem like they really have shared resources, it still seems to be kept fairly separate. As a couple, they haven't reached the 'it's our money' stage yet.

pwurple

This could be that you hid it from him, rather than talking about it first.

You told him after the fact. It's a big deal, 3.5k is a large bill to be landed with.


It also indicates possibly that you panic about money, borne out also by you buying him gifts all the time as you mentioned.

If my health insurance refused a 3500 claim, I would look into other avenues (maybe you did), such as raising a dispute/appeal, or maybe request the payment term be in installments. That's the sort of thing I would definitely discuss with my significant other, to get their advice and input. You did none of this. You completely bypassed him, his experience with money (and it sounds like he IS good with money), his emotional support at a time of stress, and also his opinion as your partner.


You need to apologise I think.

LegacyUser

During the recession, I lost my job. I took a very low paid job about three weeks later. I was engaged to a man who earned a lot, but was obsessed with money. He did a lot of overtime and went on about bonuses, etc. We had separate current accounts but pooled the same amount into a joint account to cover household expenses. Obviously he earned a lot more than I did.

After I lost my job, the contribution to the joint account too up most of my money. I did discuss it with him but we stayed putting in equal amounts. My car finally died and I needed a new one. He offered to lend me money for a new car. He lent me €4K and insisted that I paid back €250 a month.

I did pay him back, but I was so bloody tightly stretched. I had about €18 to spare a month. If I bought myself anything he was on my back about it in case I couldn’t repay him. I was so stressed. Then, he wanted to go on holiday but I refused. We had a massive argument and I laid everything out in black and white. He felt terrible and cancelled the loan. He had known all along how hard it was for me but it was at the point where I owed him €750. In the end, I broke up with him. He absolutely destroyed me while I owed him money.

I understand why you did what you did. You don’t owe him an apology. It seems like he should have offered you the money and to pool resources before now. The money obsessed don’t think of much else to be honest.

Xterminator

finally pwurple a post i think is on the money - (forgive the pun!).

Its not the sum of money, clearly the partner has enough of it and wouldn't mind helping out. Its that she couldnt/wouldnt go to her better off partner before borrowing from her folks. I makes me think OP doesn't consider it a relationship of equals.

Think about that, one party has more than enough money, the other party less. One party is supposed to be you chosen partner, for life and marriage is being discussed etc.

In my opinion I suspect money is a bigger issue for OP than her/his partner. OP seems to think about it more and have hang ups. Its the OPs insecurities that has caused this to happen.

I really do think you need to be able to explain why you were not comfortable with your partner enough to even discuss this. and yes, perhaps an apology or at least an honest explanation.

ILoveYourVibes

Xterminator wrote: »

and yes, perhaps an apology or at least an honest explanation.

Why does she owe him an apology? She is an adult? She made a decision for herself. I mean she is the one to pay back the loan etc.

My mother wouldn't ask my father for permission to take out a loan from the bank etc. She might not even tell him if it were less than 5k.

AulWan

Because she has hurt and upset him, even if it was unintentional, and I believe it was.

She should apologise for that, even if she still thinks borrowing the money from her parents was the right thing to do.

Nevertheless, her actions have probably made him question where their relationship is going, rather then the other way around.

Least said, soonest mended.

bucketybuck

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Why does she owe him an apology? She is an adult? She made a decision for herself. I mean she is the one to pay back the loan etc.

Because it isn't about the money, it is about what he means to her.

You are right that she made a decision for herself, the problem was that there were supposed to be two people in that relationship.

ILoveYourVibes

bucketybuck wrote: »

Because it isn't about the money, it is about what he means to her.

You are right that she made a decision for herself, the problem was that there were supposed to be two people in that relationship.

What? What do you mean what he means to her?

He is her boyfriend how does this change that?

This isn't to do with her relationship this is a financial decision she made for herself.

It sounds very controlling.

I wouldn't ask for money from someone like that ..they would just have it over you.

One and one makes two ..not one.

They aren't married. Its different.

He can't act like they are married one min and then not the next.

AulWan

So offering to help your partner out when they need it is being controlling now?

Yet on the other hand, if he has plenty of money and he didn't offer, he'd be thought of as being mean and tight with money.

It seems to me some guys can't do right for doing wrong.

OP you need to open up to your partner and work on your insecurity about sharing finances with him going forward, because this has just brought it all out front and centre.

If you feel you can't trust your partner enough to take some help from them when they offer, then you probably shouldn't be thinking about marrying this person at all.

pwurple

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Why does she owe him an apology? She is an adult? She made a decision for herself. I mean she is the one to pay back the loan etc.

My mother wouldn't ask my father for permission to take out a loan from the bank etc. She might not even tell him if it were less than 5k.

Because she left him out. Omitted him. Didn't even consider that he may have something to offer when she has stress over this.

It's hurtful to be ignored in a relationship.


It's also a stark warning to him that she may be deceitful about money and try to hide bills rather than communicating.

LolaJJ

Sorry, I've only had a chance to log in now!

Thanks so much for all of the feedback, it really has made me think

Firstly, I should clarify, when I said he is obsessed with money, I meant, he is very driven by money and the quest for more money. I guess it's a security thing for him. He is not tight at all, he's incredibly generous and would never ever have made me feel bad if I was slow to repay him.

The marriage thing, well, to be fair it's something we have discussed a bit, we hope to have a baby first and given our ages that is the priority...so it's more to pursue that avenue and the marraige thing will happen. I'm just impatient. But I get it, it's not something I worry about.

I think I have a thing about debt, I've never been late paying for anything, I have a perfect financial record and I always save but had spent most of those savings on a holiday just before all that (the remainder went to this debt) knowing I owed this money was causing me terrible anxiety - I did fight it as much as I could, until I was advised to pay it and then continue the fight as it was a hospital error and then try to claim it back.

He had offered to loan me the money several times, as did my parentls, but the thoughts of feeling indebted to him would have been as bad as being indebted to the hospital. I'm very independent and I'm not sure why but I would feel like I was dependent on him if I had taken the loan, and I guess my hypersensitvity regarding our unequal financial circumstances as it is probably, as someone cleverly pointed out, would have made that harder on me.

So, yea, I think this is my issue. I maybe have some kind of inferiority complex about wealth, he comes from a much wealthier family than I do and I know he thinks about money more than I do so I guess I wanted to just be his girlfriend and not an expense, not that I think he saw me in that way. I guess I just didn't want him to see me as some poor broke girl who needs him to stand on my own two feet.

For the nice person who would never borrow from his parents as an adult etc etc. I'm really happy for you and your parents. I've now got a standing order to mine to ensure this is repaid. They are really happy with the situation.

And to Pwrple above! I didn't leave him out, he was fully aware it was happening....I just made a decision on my own in the end. Which is a very healthy thing to do. Maybe it was the wrong one but he certainly doesn't expect me to apologise for having a mind of my own, values of my own and the capacity to make good and bad decisions

LolaJJ

osarusan wrote: »

My thoughts also.

OP would suggest that when he first talked about it, it was a loan, but when she ended up getting the money from her parents instead, he made a 'what's mine is yours' speech.

But if it's a loan, it's not a 'what's mine is yours' scenario. It doesn't seem like they really have shared resources, it still seems to be kept fairly separate. As a couple, they haven't reached the 'it's our money' stage yet.

Sorry to also adress this as it's relevant.

He would have loaned it to me and probably would never have actively asked for it back and would have suggested some silly repayment structure over 10 years. He would know it would be important to me to pay it back which is why he wouldn't insult me by offering to just pay it. He would feel guilty taking money back off me I reckon! I pay rent every month to live in his house (I have mine rented out, so give him half of that after my tax liability). He is constantly telling me I don't have to do that....but I would be in profit then which I feel is wrong..... I think that's another reason I went to my folks. Maybe I'm just a bit weird lol

AulWan

Your partner sounds like a very nice guy. I hope you can talk this out and put this behind you sooner rather then later.

ManOfMystery

LolaJJ wrote: »

Maybe I'm just a bit weird lol

I don't think you're weird, I think you're honest and like to pay your way.

By contrast, I paid off a £2500 debt for an ex once. Never saw a penny of it, despite her promises.