Mother in hospice... what do I do now?

positivenote

HI All,
My wife has been carer to her mam for the past two years but she has now been moved to a hospice for her last few days/weeks. Trying to support my wife as best as I can I am wondering if there are any links for information on steps to take regarding arranging (and paying for) her funeral and organizing the execution of her will? When do my wifes carers benefits stop if her mum is now in a hospice?
She has specified in her will that all of her estate will be divided equally between my wife and her sister. She has a house full of stuff and has rarely thrown stuff away... Like what are we meant to do with all of these possessions? Is there a service that can go in and value / sell it all off?

There is so much to organise any help would be appreciated.
THanks

looksee

I suggest softly softly for a while, take your lead from your wife, she may not want to face into funeral arrangements yet and its not impossible that her mother may live a number of weeks. You could be making some quiet enquiries locally about who to go to for funeral arrangements, but as for organising anything, the undertaker will sort it all for you; the funeral can be paid for out of the estate.

Her solicitor will sort out the will - again it is your wife and her sister who will be directly involved, I don't think you would have any involvement. Are they the executors?

All this can be arranged quite quickly and without fuss when your mother-in-law has died.

Your wife and her sister should go together to the house and see if there is anything either of them want and to take out personal papers and documents (passport, that kind of thing). They might want to rescue photographs or similar. After that they can either agree to empty the house themselves, ie sort things and direct someone to take the furniture etc for auction or for dumping depending on what it is, or you can employ people to just come and clear the house - is there a local auction house that does clearances? If you go this way though you might miss something of value, and depending on what is in the house you might - probably will not - get the full value. On the other hand you don't have to worry about it. Again, your wife may not be ready for this stage yet, its generally a good idea to wait until after the funeral.

Also your wife's sister / family might have ideas about how things should be done, so really its up to the two women to decide what has to be done, and when.

BrianBoru00

You dont need to do anything but support her. When the time comes you ring a funeral director and they will guide you through the process completely and professionally. Depending on where in the country _ many people have used the same undertakers for generations...as for the will etc.. there's no urgency on that. She should be taking her time to grieve

positivenote

thank you both for your replies. I just want to have some Idea of how respond if my wife starts getting stressed about these type of things.
Thanks again

brightspark

There is no need to panic about anything.

A funeral director/undertaker will guide you through most things and take care of things you may not even think about, while outwardly all you normally see of a funeral director is the hearse etc, they have lots of experience and will ask you what you want and what you don't want.
(Might sound a bit tactless, but I would view them as being similar to wedding planners!)
Family member or friends would be able to advise you on an undertaker.
(My wife was especially happy with whoever the funeral director got to do the "make-up", a small detail I know but nevertheless important)

It's unlikely that they will be looking for payment on the day either, I was able to settle from my own funds about six weeks after the funeral, but I suspect they are rarely paid as quick.
(Probate won't be able to be completed without the funeral being paid, either from the estate or otherwise).
The undertaker should also ask where you want the death notices published (radio, newspapers, rip.ie etc)

You should also (if relevant) notify whatever priest covers your area and arrange when you want the service (the undertaker may assist in this)

I'm going to assume a church ceremony in which case readings, prayers of the faithful, offertory gifts need to be allocated to family and friends (or not if that is the decision)

Also decide on whether you will have the "removal" at home, the hospice chapel? or an undertakers place.

I had a small panic trying to find a black suit, but again that is personal choice (your wife's choice of course).

A photo of the deceased placed on top of the coffin seems to be popular these days.

We had to book the hotel ourselves for the after funeral soup & sandwiches.

I drove myself and my wife but some undertakers have cars, again your choice.

Your wife will probably want to buy a wreath too, might be an idea to know where the florists are in your area, wreaths with "MUM" etc may need to be ordered a day or two in advance. (we got lucky and got one that day).

FOOD, you need to get in the basics at least for yourselves, keeping the larder full now might save you panicking later.

Give your house a tidy if needed, your visitors probably won't mind but wives can be bothered by the small stuff, doing it now will remove the panic later.


POST FUNERAL

For now don't worry about the house and contents (but perhaps secure anything valuable), my mother in law died about six months ago and we still haven't completed probate or made any real progress at clearing the house. Depending of course on her, your wife may find it very difficult to go into the house for some time, perhaps offer to just keep an eye on it (with her sister's consent)

You will need to get the house valued for probate purposes anyway, so you may find an estate agent/auctioneer who will assist with the house clearance.
The estate agent who did the valuation for us didn't charge anything (I expect he is hoping to get the job of selling the house)

Some of the costs to expect.

1, After funeral meal (this can vary from just coffee to full dinners, we opted for tea, soup and sandwiches, guessing numbers is difficult, a mid week funeral will have most people at work so won't be as many.

2, You should probably look into having the house insured (or even if it is insured you should notify the current insurers that is unoccupied)

3, Solicitors fees (no idea yet!)





IMPORTANT

Make sure you involve BOTH your wife and her sister in everything, ask what they want and then get it done for them, hopefully your wife and her sister will be in agreement about most things.

Delegate too and accept any help offered, it's a time to lean on friends and family. You will be grieving too.