Boys night out...

LegacyUser

Hey There,

Not a big deal (at least I hope not!). I've been seeing a guy I really like for a couple of months now and the other day he made an off the cuff comment that I'm only now reflecting upon and I'd like outside opinions please

We were talking about Christmas coming up and so many nights out and how much drinking is involved and money etc but how it's also great fun. He said he couldn't wait for a particular night when his friend is coming up to Dublin and they plan on wearing really sharp suits, like tuxedos style and hitting the town. At the time I just thought it was funny as they're not to an event but now I'm thinking hang on a minute, why would they want to do that other than to draw female attention and to hook up!

I know you might say girls get all dolled up for girls nights out and that is true but we know we will get male attention and we tend to get it even when we don't dress up.

Just to add, I haven't met any of his friends yet nor has he mine, he haven't had the 'exclusive' talk either so it just has me wondering if he's actually looking to hook up that night.

Am I completely paranoid and daft here or should I be concerned? I don't want to ask him as we're only seeing each other a while and it seems to early and pushy and same goes for meeting friends etc

Thanks for any thoughts!

redfox123

Well you need to have the exclusive talk sooner rather than later. You seem to assume you are girlfriend and boyfriend but the way it is now you usually have to just confirm it, as annoying as it is. Especially going into party season, I would want to know, if I really liked someone and saw it as a relationship but wasn’t sure. I would just straight out ask. It is not pushy after a few months.

And what is the story with dressing in tuxedos just him and a friend. It’s not for impressing women no just seems odd it’s not a group doing it.

Glitter

Without knowing his friends and what they're like it's hard to be sure.

But I certainly know plenty of men who love to dress up at the drop of a hat and it has nothing to do with going on the pull.

Is he into vintage style maybe? I and a lot of my friends are and we dress formally to every occasion / night out regardless of whether the night is "themed" or a specific event or whatnot.

Or does he play poker and are they going to a casino?

It would also be pretty insensitive of him to tell you that if he was planning to go on the pull. To be honest it sounds like he was just excited about his big night out.

Idle Passerby

Dressing in tuxedos for an ordinary night out seems more of a comedy thing to me than a lets pull women thing. It's like wearing a costume.

If you want to be exclusive it's time to have the talk but the penguin suits don't suggest to me he's necessarily looking to score.

nthclare

Just a bunch of lads heading out for a night.
Keep it simple, because if you make an issue out of it he'll see more red flags than a Cork All Ireland.

Guys and women run a mile from that kind of pressure or being in a situation where they have to explain their coming and going....

It would give you maybe an opportunity to do something similar with friends...

Happy days

never_mind

Sorry, OP, this is a non-issue. It's Christmas and your 'friend' wants to go out in a suit... The issue here isn't the suit or if he wants to pull someone on that evening but your lack of trust. You need to have the chat with him.

Permit me to be blunt, but you are being paranoid. You're already trying to place an unrealistic burden on your boyfriend, which will quickly destabilise the relationship. Clarify your concerns to him without delay, before resentment starts to fester.

LegacyUser

Yes being paranoid. It sounds like something he and his friend either do every year or are doing this year for a laugh. Dressing up sharp suits isn't attention seeking dependent on the context (nor is it every time women dress up either) Sounds like he wants to have fun with his mate. My brother and cousins think it's hilarious to get dressed up and go eat at Supermacs.

wiggle16

I don't think there's anything to worry about. I don't think you're really overreacting - as in, yes it's the kind of thing that might get you thinking and might make you a little anxious. But it's only a problem if you make one out of it.

I would also say the suits have little to do with going out on the pull. Some guys do get a kick out of looking well.
Even if it is a night on the pull, he can go out with his mates who are on the pull without doing anything like that himself.

I'd have the exclusivity convo for sure, but without bringing up the night out. It's not relevant, and if you do bring it up, he might likely run a mile. All in all I don't think you should worry about this at all.

Scarinae

If things like Christmas nights out are going to bother you I'd definitely have the exclusivity chat, you said you've been seeing each other a few months so I don't think it's too early. Perhaps you could bring it up in terms of whether you'll get each other Christmas presents? I wouldn't buy a present for a casual fling but I would for a boyfriend, and now would be the sort of time you'd be thinking about present buying so it wouldn't seem like it came out of nowhere.

LegacyUser

never_mind wrote: »

Sorry, OP, this is a non-issue. It's Christmas and your 'friend' wants to go out in a suit... The issue here isn't the suit or if he wants to pull someone on that evening but your lack of trust. You need to have the chat with him.

In my defense, it's not lack of trust, it's lack of knowing where I stand. We are having regular sex and I really like him and he seems to like me too so it's understandable I wouldn't like him pulling other women. In this dating age though you can't seem to ask or assume anything!

woodchuck

Paranoidandroid123 wrote: »

In my defense, it's not lack of trust, it's lack of knowing where I stand. We are having regular sex and I really like him and he seems to like me too so it's understandable I wouldn't like him pulling other women. In this dating age though you can't seem to ask or assume anything!

You definitely shouldn't assume, but you really should ask where you stand!

Him going out with his mates in a suit isn't the issue. After a couple of months, it's not unreasonable to have a talk about whether or not you're exclusive. The best of luck OP and hope you get the answer you want!

listermint

Paranoidandroid123 wrote: »

In my defense, it's not lack of trust, it's lack of knowing where I stand. We are having regular sex and I really like him and he seems to like me too so it's understandable I wouldn't like him pulling other women. In this dating age though you can't seem to ask or assume anything!

Nights out equals pulling women



The problem here is your assumptions

LegacyUser

listermint wrote: »

Nights out equals pulling women



The problem here is your assumptions

Well to be fair it usually does, when you're single anyway! At the very minimum it crosses everyones mind on a night out that they might pull. I think everyone scans the room for talent and thinks Jackpot when they see someone they like.

I'm not saying it's the only reason or factor on a night out with your friends but it absolutely features!! It is naive to think otherwise.

Bigbagofcans

Aren't men allowed to get all dressed up the same way women do on a girls' night out?

People shouldn't assume that others are going on nights out to pull. Some are, but there are plenty that just love getting dressed up and socialising.

Porklife

Bigbagofcans wrote: »

Aren't men allowed to get all dressed up the same way women do on a girls' night out?

People shouldn't assume that others are going on nights out to pull. Some are, but there are plenty that just love getting dressed up and socialising.

... in the hopes of pulling most likely!!

bitofabind

Paranoidandroid123 wrote: »

In my defense, it's not lack of trust, it's lack of knowing where I stand. We are having regular sex and I really like him and he seems to like me too so it's understandable I wouldn't like him pulling other women. In this dating age though you can't seem to ask or assume anything!

If you can't ask where things are going and what he's looking for after a few months of having regular sex with this guy, then it doesn't bode well for the relationship in general.

You have needs. Your need right now is clarity on this situation so you can make sure you're not wasting your time. And clearly, for a relationship where you're not hooking up with other people. Totally reasonable and normal. It's not like you're looking for a marriage proposal. Respect and assert those needs.

Jurgen Klopp

Your issue aside, isn't a couple a months of seeing someone about time for the exclusive talk? Seems a long time unless ye have only met up a handful of times

Jurgen Klopp

Paranoidandroid123 wrote: »

In my defense, it's not lack of trust, it's lack of knowing where I stand. We are having regular sex and I really like him and he seems to like me too so it's understandable I wouldn't like him pulling other women. In this dating age though you can't seem to ask or assume anything!

Only saw this now. Jesus having regular sex then you are well within your rights to ask where ye stand! If it "scares him off" or any BS then believe me after 2 months and having regular sex then he isn't bf material anyways

zapper55

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

Only saw this now. Jesus having regular sex then you are well within your rights to ask where ye stand! If it "scares him off" or any BS then believe me after 2 months and having regular sex then he isn't bf material anyways

A hundred million times this.

Accepting Cookies

I'm years out of the dating game now but if it were me, I think I'd flirt with him about it and tell him to feel free to stop by yours afterwards so you can appreciate him in his finery too, and give him a wink, ha ha. It kind of makes it obvious that any "pulling" at the end of the night will be with you

ILoveYourVibes

IMO you shouldn't be dating a guy at all unless you have the understanding you are exclusive. Its a matter of respect.

But there you go.

Have the talk.

leggo

I never have ‘the conversation’ from a position of insecurity, as a rule. And I’d have historically been an anxious partner so my mind can go the same over-thinking direction as you OP. But sometimes you have to just have faith and put it to the test because it’s better finding out stuff sooner rather than when your lives are wrapped up together.

There’s no ideal way but the conversation about what you are should, for me, be a positive moment and a decision made from strength of the relationship rather than insecurity and fear. If it goes the distance, you want it to be a moment you look back on with happiness and smile. You don’t want to have “I locked them down because they were going out with friends/on holidays etc and I felt really insecure that they’d ride someone else” forever in the back of your mind as the foundation for your entire relationship. It’s not a healthy platform to build on. And it’s a pretty bad precedent to reward the fact that you weren’t comfortable with how you stood so you doubled down and committed to them more.

What I’d suggest is to take a beat to connect with your feelings, be blunt and try to be objective in asking why you feel this way. Why is there this nagging feeling that’s pushed you to post about essentially a non-issue on boards? What’s different here as opposed to a dating situation where people are going out with friends and not constantly stressing about what their partner is doing because they feel relaxed and confident their partner is coming back to them? Whatever the answer there is should make your next move easy.

Accepting Cookies

That was a damn fine post, leggo.

Porklife

leggo wrote: »

I never have ‘the conversation’ from a position of insecurity, as a rule. And I’d have historically been an anxious partner so my mind can go the same over-thinking direction as you OP. But sometimes you have to just have faith and put it to the test because it’s better finding out stuff sooner rather than when your lives are wrapped up together.

There’s no ideal way but the conversation about what you are should, for me, be a positive moment and a decision made from strength of the relationship rather than insecurity and fear. If it goes the distance, you want it to be a moment you look back on with happiness and smile. You don’t want to have “I locked them down because they were going out with friends/on holidays etc and I felt really insecure that they’d ride someone else” forever in the back of your mind as the foundation for your entire relationship. It’s not a healthy platform to build on. And it’s a pretty bad precedent to reward the fact that you weren’t comfortable with how you stood so you doubled down and committed to them more.

What I’d suggest is to take a beat to connect with your feelings, be blunt and try to be objective in asking why you feel this way. Why is there this nagging feeling that’s pushed you to post about essentially a non-issue on boards? What’s different here as opposed to a dating situation where people are going out with friends and not constantly stressing about what their partner is doing because they feel relaxed and confident their partner is coming back to them? Whatever the answer there is should make your next move easy.

My God you're good...I literally hang on till you post then go yep, there's the answer!

Keyzer

Paranoidandroid123 wrote: »

Am I completely paranoid...

Yes

liamtech

Paranoidandroid123 wrote: »

I know you might say girls get all dolled up for girls nights out and that is true but we know we will get male attention and we tend to get it even when we don't dress up.

I think the answer lies in this section of your post, and i dare say its a societal inequality when it comes to ladies and gentlemen, and going out

Im single at the moment but i will give you an example from my last relationship

My ex used to do as all ladies do. On nights out with her friends (the girls night out) she would certainly put her best foot forward, and always looked amazing. And i frequently commented on this, expressing my pride, and sometimes needling her by claiming to be 'Jealous' that i wasnt going with them!

However on several occasions when i was getting ready for a big night (for example a birthday, lads night, a stag, or in particular there was a 'farewell do' for a male friend) she became uncomfortable. On one occasion we actually rowed over it with me, and explicitly stated, that 'in her opinion, guys dressing up had only one thing on their mind'.

Its a basic societal double standard. Ladies dress up because society/the-media dictates that they should. Lads dress up SOLELY to impress ladies - il simply state that it is untrue. We should all take pride in our appearance, and dress up for the right reason. Because we enjoy it! Of course there are those Nasty Lads who will take advantage, and cheating does happen. But it is incorrect to assume those men are a majority. They are not, and i for one have seriously criticized one friend who went too far with a lady in terms of flirting (despite him being married) - but the stereotype should not be reinforced. Guys often dress up to feel pride in themselves - just as ladies ought do

But i will say this - you are not guilty of anything, and you are not paranoid - you have simply bought into the stereotype

As several have suggested, perhaps have the chat. And watch his reaction - the fact you enjoyed talking about, and looking forward to the party season, suggests to me that you and he will be spending MORE time together, as opposed to apart this Christmas.

tara73

see, your opening post gives very little background information so it's nearly impossible to give you a valid answer to this because we can't tell whether you have reasons to mistrust him because he gave them in the past or whether it's you, you are really paranoid, the anxious type who worries a lot.
so it's really guesswork answering your question and they can go in a very different direction from your experience with him.

but as already pointed out and even more worrying, why didn't you have the talk about exclusiveness yet? That's the most important thing for you at this stage, you are not initiating it instead you become paranoid about him 'dressing up'. Can't you see what you do to yourself with not getting the clarity you obviously need?

ManOfMystery

Porklife wrote: »

... in the hopes of pulling most likely!!

Married people and people in relationships don't suddenly stop dressing up for nights out. And I'm sure most aren't going out to pull. Many people like to dress up simply because they enjoy taking pride in their appearance.

Dien

Paranoidandroid123 wrote: »

Hey There,

Not a big deal (at least I hope not!). I've been seeing a guy I really like for a couple of months now and the other day he made an off the cuff comment that I'm only now reflecting upon and I'd like outside opinions please

We were talking about Christmas coming up and so many nights out and how much drinking is involved and money etc but how it's also great fun. He said he couldn't wait for a particular night when his friend is coming up to Dublin and they plan on wearing really sharp suits, like tuxedos style and hitting the town. At the time I just thought it was funny as they're not to an event but now I'm thinking hang on a minute, why would they want to do that other than to draw female attention and to hook up!

I know you might say girls get all dolled up for girls nights out and that is true but we know we will get male attention and we tend to get it even when we don't dress up.

Just to add, I haven't met any of his friends yet nor has he mine, he haven't had the 'exclusive' talk either so it just has me wondering if he's actually looking to hook up that night.

Am I completely paranoid and daft here or should I be concerned? I don't want to ask him as we're only seeing each other a while and it seems to early and pushy and same goes for meeting friends etc

Thanks for any thoughts!

Guess what! Guys like getting suited and booted too. Why do ye wear make-up going to work? Or wear clothing that compliments the assets on a girls night out? To cheat on a fella, or even to just get laid? I'd wager it's because it makes you feel good, comfortable and confident.
The very fact he brought it up would suggest he's not trying to hide anything.
You're likely over-thinking the whole thing, which is easy to do in this day and age to be fair. Give him a proper chance, after a few months if you he's a decent guy then go for it.

Homelander

I can't understand some of the issues like this that keep cropping up - people dating and sleeping together for months without anything being mentioned about exclusivity, and then voicing concerns about the other person meeting other people? I've had a few relationships where the boyfriend/girlfriend aspect wasn't official for a good while, but it was pretty clear that it was an exclusive arrangement in the first few months. How could there be zero clarity over this in something going on months, unless it was explicitly a casual thing from the start?

No, there's nothing inherently suspicious about the suit thing at all, but really, the bigger issue is that you need to have that talk about where you're at.

lainey_d_123

Homelander wrote: »

I can't understand some of the issues like this that keep cropping up - people dating and sleeping together for months without anything being mentioned about exclusivity, and then voicing concerns about the other person meeting other people? I've had a few relationships where the boyfriend/girlfriend aspect wasn't official for a good while, but it was pretty clear that it was an exclusive arrangement in the first few months. How could there be zero clarity over this in something going on months, unless it was explicitly a casual thing from the start?

No, there's nothing inherently suspicious about the suit thing at all, but really, the bigger issue is that you need to have that talk about where you're at.

You wouldn't believe what goes on in some people's heads. They've become so corrupted by hook up culture and stupid American multi dating that they honestly seem to think it's normal to keep sleeping with other people despite regularly dating and sleeping with someone. It used to be that it was assumed that a relationship was exclusive. Multi dating simply wasn't a 'thing'. If you were seeing someone, you were seeing them and that was that. Kissing or sleeping with someone else was 'cheating'. Now it's all a lot more foggy, I think quite a lot of people use this to purposely sleep around and keep their options open, hoping the other person won't force them to define the relationship.

Several years ago, I was seeing someone I really liked. We'd hit it off from the beginning, I was staying over every weekend, seeing each other several nights a week, constantly messaging. Not remotely casual. I had been in a long-term relationship for years and not used to the new way of 'dating'. It wasn't until I half-jokingly asked him if we were 'exclusive' about four months in that he told me we weren't. He had had several one night stands while he was seeing me. I was shocked and tbh found it revolting. Who does that, like?

People like this (p1ss takers) are the reason the rest of us now have to have awkward conversations early on and are forced to define a relationship instead of letting things flow naturally. This new 'dating culture' has ruined things for everyone.

zapper55

I'm not sure about revolting but I would never assume a relationship is exclusive until its discussed. No matter how often you are seeing each other, sleeping with each other etc.

lainey_d_123

zapper55 wrote: »

I'm not sure about revolting but I would never assume a relationship is exclusive until its discussed. No matter how often you are seeing each other, sleeping with each other etc.

I find it revolting from a sexual health perspective that I was sleeping with someone who was literally sleeping with randoms just hours beforehand without mentioning it to me. I think most people know in their heart of hearts that this carry-on is disgraceful and that you don't start a new serious relationship while still shagging other people - they just delude themselves into thinking they're doing nothing wrong so they can have their cake and eat it and then use the 'get out of jail free' card by claiming you were never exclusive.

But yes, I agree on needing to ask, and this is why. Too little common sense/common decency around nowadays.

doughef

He’s deffo on the pull ..

Hoboo

zapper55 wrote: »

I'm not sure about revolting but I would never assume a relationship is exclusive until its discussed. No matter how often you are seeing each other, sleeping with each other etc.

I think you'd presume it rather than assume, but semantics aside, are people that socially inept these days they need to do the "will you be my girlfriend" ****e as well? That used to be exclusive to 6 year olds in the playground. Only difference it's now followed up with "she said yes" on Snapchat or Instagram.

RoscommonTom

what sort of a fool goes out dressed up in a suit, get rid of him,

zubair

I'm married and I make an effort for any night out. Its unlikely he'd share that much information about a night that he intends to pull on with you.

Probably time to start figuring out where you stand, this could happen naturally or you might need to bring it up.

leggo

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

I find it revolting from a sexual health perspective that I was sleeping with someone who was literally sleeping with randoms just hours beforehand without mentioning it to me. I think most people know in their heart of hearts that this carry-on is disgraceful and that you don't start a new serious relationship while still shagging other people - they just delude themselves into thinking they're doing nothing wrong so they can have their cake and eat it and then use the 'get out of jail free' card by claiming you were never exclusive.

But yes, I agree on needing to ask, and this is why. Too little common sense/common decency around nowadays.

I don’t mean this in a bad way, but if that lad valued what you had that highly, he probably wouldn’t have carried on the way he did. If someone is absolutely crazy about you, even in 2019, they don’t want to do anything to mess things up so will happily forego stuff like sleeping with other people. That’s just a fundamental rule of dating that will always apply.

The only reason I say this is I think you’ve learned the wrong lesson here: you’re blaming ‘modern dating’ for what happened you, but essentially the nuts and bolts of what you’re complaining about is ‘open communication’. It’s healthy to have conversations to define where you stand. It’s a little intense to expect someone to commit solely to you before they even know you. You can lament ‘the old way’ all you like, but the reality is it doesn’t sound like the guy you spoke of had much respect for you or what you had, so under ‘the old way’ he probably would’ve just cheated on you because you dated someone who essentially still wanted to sleep with others while seeing you. That wasn’t the case because of whatever year it happened to be.

Whereas if you take responsibility for your own struggles, instead of blaming the year, the culture, an app, this guy and being a victim...the lesson would be: make sure when you date someone you want to commit to you, it’s someone who thinks you’re deadly and wouldn’t dream of sleeping with anyone else. Make that your first priority in the way you didn’t with that guy and you’ll find that, even in 2019 when Tinder etc exists, you won’t suffer from the issue of him sleeping with others.

Accepting Cookies

Accepting Cookies wrote: »

I'm years out of the dating game now but if it were me, I think I'd flirt with him about it and tell him to feel free to stop by yours afterwards so you can appreciate him in his finery too, and give him a wink, ha ha. It kind of makes it obvious that any "pulling" at the end of the night will be with you

Terrible advice. Basically you are telling him you are there waiting if he doesn't pull.

RoscommonTom

RoscommonTom wrote: »

what sort of a fool goes out dressed up in a suit, get rid of him,

Yeah that was my first reaction too. He has no hope of pulling unless it's another guy he's after. Maybe this "friend" is more than a friend?

zubair

zubair wrote: »

I'm married and I make an effort for any night out. Its unlikely he'd share that much information about a night that he intends to pull on with you.

Probably time to start figuring out where you stand, this could happen naturally or you might need to bring it up.

Do you wear a tux?

Accepting Cookies

Deleted User wrote: »

Terrible advice. Basically you are telling him you are there waiting if he doesn't pull.

You've got to be kidding me. It's called flirting, clearly you've never heard of it- you must be fun in relationships! My comment at it's base was to trust him. I would have been the same way when I was dating, have fun with it, he looks great so be confident in thinking 'and he gets to come back to me.' In the OP's case, it is a roundabout way of stating where she's at in their relationship without actually having THE talk. When my husband of 12 years is dressed up for a separate event/I'm not there, I flirt with him in the same way. Because I find him attractive and it's fun to flirt with him. Wtaf!

Smile111

He won't pull in a suit. He will look totally out of place unless it's a formal event which I don't think it is!.
Funny I remember distinctly telling an ex housemate to change from suit to shirt and jeans before he went out.
I honestly think you have nothing to worry about.
I hope all is okay today

Smile111

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

You wouldn't believe what goes on in some people's heads. They've become so corrupted by hook up culture and stupid American multi dating that they honestly seem to think it's normal to keep sleeping with other people despite regularly dating and sleeping with someone. It used to be that it was assumed that a relationship was exclusive. Multi dating simply wasn't a 'thing'. If you were seeing someone, you were seeing them and that was that. Kissing or sleeping with someone else was 'cheating'. Now it's all a lot more foggy, I think quite a lot of people use this to purposely sleep around and keep their options open, hoping the other person won't force them to define the relationship.

Several years ago, I was seeing someone I really liked. We'd hit it off from the beginning, I was staying over every weekend, seeing each other several nights a week, constantly messaging. Not remotely casual. I had been in a long-term relationship for years and not used to the new way of 'dating'. It wasn't until I half-jokingly asked him if we were 'exclusive' about four months in that he told me we weren't. He had had several one night stands while he was seeing me. I was shocked and tbh found it revolting. Who does that, like?

People like this (p1ss takers) are the reason the rest of us now have to have awkward conversations early on and are forced to define a relationship instead of letting things flow naturally. This new 'dating culture' has ruined things for everyone.

Gosh Lainey,
That must have been heart breaking for you.
Sorry you had to deal with that.

Akrasia

OP if I was you and serious about the relationship I would start introducing him to your friends and asking to meet his friends. If he is serious, he’ll be proud to include you and make you part of his social group.

Obviously he’ll still want to go on the boys night out and that’s perfectly normal, but there would be nothing wrong with meeting him out while you’re with your own friends over the Christmas period

If he doesn’t want you to meet his friends that would be a major major red flag

Accepting Cookies

Accepting Cookies wrote: »

. When my husband of 12 years is dressed up for a separate event/I'm not there, I flirt with him in the same way. Because I find him attractive and it's fun to flirt with him. Wtaf!

He's your husband, not a guy who you are not even sure you are dating. Big difference. And I do know what flirting is, but this isn't helpful to the OPs situation. If he's a womaniser then flirting with him is giving him more confidence going out on the pull. And if it's something the OP doesn't normally do it will come across all wrong. Flirting is something that people do naturally, not something that is forced to manipulate others.

Akrasia

Akrasia wrote: »

OP if I was you and serious about the relationship I would start introducing him to your friends and asking to meet his friends. If he is serious, he’ll be proud to include you and make you part of his social group.

Obviously he’ll still want to go on the boys night out and that’s perfectly normal, but there would be nothing wrong with meeting him out while you’re with your own friends over the Christmas period

If he doesn’t want you to meet his friends that would be a major major red flag

He should introduce then to the OP before going out, or after. Arranging to meet up when you are out smells of checking up on him. The point is it should come willingly from him rather than you forcing it.

We all know that one wife / girlfriend who mysteriously has a reason to appear on any boys night out. It never is the partner of the guy who is a serial cheater - his partner seems to trust him completely. Funny how that works.

lainey_d_123

leggo wrote: »

I don’t mean this in a bad way, but if that lad valued what you had that highly, he probably wouldn’t have carried on the way he did. If someone is absolutely crazy about you, even in 2019, they don’t want to do anything to mess things up so will happily forego stuff like sleeping with other people. That’s just a fundamental rule of dating that will always apply.

Clearly he didn't value me, no. The point is that rather than be a decent person and be open and honest about not wanting to be exclusive, he led me to believe we were exclusive. Never heard of 'lying by omission'? That's what he did. When I asked him what he'd got up to the night before, he omitted the part where he had sex with another woman. That's awful behaviour. Justify it all you want.

The only reason I say this is I think you’ve learned the wrong lesson here: you’re blaming ‘modern dating’ for what happened you, but essentially the nuts and bolts of what you’re complaining about is ‘open communication’. It’s healthy to have conversations to define where you stand. It’s a little intense to expect someone to commit solely to you before they even know you. You can lament ‘the old way’ all you like, but the reality is it doesn’t sound like the guy you spoke of had much respect for you or what you had, so under ‘the old way’ he probably would’ve just cheated on you because you dated someone who essentially still wanted to sleep with others while seeing you. That wasn’t the case because of whatever year it happened to be.

Sorry, no. I will never agree that it's in any way normal to start a relationship where you're staying over so often that you have a towel/toothbrush/whatever in their house and still be sleeping with randoms. I do agree with you that this is the way things are for a lot of people now, so now I do ask, but I very much resent having to do so, and I detest that this is how things are.

I do believe that this wouldn't have happened before, because it wasn't in any way acceptable before. I don't think it's acceptable for most people now. But we all have to have these awkward 'are we boyfriend/girlfriend/exclusive' conversations earlier than we want to because of those people.

Whereas if you take responsibility for your own struggles, instead of blaming the year, the culture, an app, this guy and being a victim...the lesson would be: make sure when you date someone you want to commit to you, it’s someone who thinks you’re deadly and wouldn’t dream of sleeping with anyone else. Make that your first priority in the way you didn’t with that guy and you’ll find that, even in 2019 when Tinder etc exists, you won’t suffer from the issue of him sleeping with others.

All irrelevant.

I have never expected everyone I've met to want to be exclusive or be their priority. I do expect honesty and to be treated decently and not lied to by omission. I also don't want to commit to someone (as in be 'official') right away, but I DO want to be assured that the person is not risking my sexual health in those early dating days by sleeping with others and not informing me. Hardly a big ask.

I do agree with you that nowadays you do need to have that 'conversation', but it is literally to make sure the other person doesn't use that get out of jail free card to sleep with others while seeing you. You need to have that conversation long before you're actually sure whether you want to date them long term or not.

Porklife

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

You wouldn't believe what goes on in some people's heads. They've become so corrupted by hook up culture and stupid American multi dating that they honestly seem to think it's normal to keep sleeping with other people despite regularly dating and sleeping with someone. It used to be that it was assumed that a relationship was exclusive. Multi dating simply wasn't a 'thing'. If you were seeing someone, you were seeing them and that was that. Kissing or sleeping with someone else was 'cheating'. Now it's all a lot more foggy, I think quite a lot of people use this to purposely sleep around and keep their options open, hoping the other person won't force them to define the relationship.

Several years ago, I was seeing someone I really liked. We'd hit it off from the beginning, I was staying over every weekend, seeing each other several nights a week, constantly messaging. Not remotely casual. I had been in a long-term relationship for years and not used to the new way of 'dating'. It wasn't until I half-jokingly asked him if we were 'exclusive' about four months in that he told me we weren't. He had had several one night stands while he was seeing me. I was shocked and tbh found it revolting. Who does that, like?

People like this (p1ss takers) are the reason the rest of us now have to have awkward conversations early on and are forced to define a relationship instead of letting things flow naturally. This new 'dating culture' has ruined things for everyone.

Excellent post. This is exactly how the modern dating world operates and it sucks.

lainey_d_123

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

All irrelevant.

I have never expected everyone I've met to want to be exclusive or be their priority. I do expect honesty and to be treated decently and not lied to by omission. I also don't want to commit to someone (as in be 'official') right away, but I DO want to be assured that the person is not risking my sexual health in those early dating days by sleeping with others and not informing me. Hardly a big ask.

I do agree with you that nowadays you do need to have that 'conversation', but it is literally to make sure the other person doesn't use that get out of jail free card to sleep with others while seeing you. You need to have that conversation long before you're actually sure whether you want to date them long term or not.

Lainey I believe we have had differences of opinions on here before this is all perfectly reasonable. This guy was just making excuses for his bad behaviour. Modern society is just set up to be a narcissist / sociopaths dream. There is a ready made excuse for all kinds of terrible behaviour.