Kids

LegacyUser

I'm a 39 male. My girlfriend is 37. We are in a relationship for a year and a half.

We meet on a dating website where we both had chosen "maybe" to kids.

I have never had a strong desire to have kids and my preference has being not to have kids.

A few weeks in to the relationship, I raised kids, and made it clear, that I don't think I will want kids. She made it clear that she wanted kids. She became distant for a few days and then everything went back to normal.

Kids then came up a few times over the coming months and I gave the same answer. She said that she would "go away for a weekend and think about what this means for us", she never did this but instead suddenly told me that it is up to me whether we have kids or not. I told her I would give this one more thinking session and give her a clear answer in the coming week. I did this and told her that I did not want kids.

She got upset and distant at times. She has swung between ending the relationship and other non-runner ideas for me (adoption, fostering etc) and at the same time sometimes seeming okay with it. i.e. all over the place with her emotions and decision making on this.

I love her a lot. She says she loves me a lot. Neither of us have ever been in a relationship that has felt this good. We are living together and it is going really well. There really is 1 and 1 only issue, but obviously a very serious one.

I feel very bad that I don't want kids because I want to give her what she wants.

At times I have thought that the best option might be for me to say yes to 1 kid as a compromise to keep the relationship going but I don't think I should do that given that my heart is not in it.

She thinks that my attitude to kids is strange and she thinks that it will not significantly affect my life. I feel it will.

I am not sure what to do next. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

frillyleaf

What are the reasons you don’t want to have children?

You need to think about this and decide whether or not this is something you can do as there is no compromise on this scenario.

If she really wants children she may regret not having them and resent you.

LuciX

Regular Poster wrote: »

I'm a 39 male. My girlfriend is 37. We are in a relationship for a year and a half.

18 months, already living together and talking about children... Slow down

I feel very bad that I don't want kids because I want to give her what she wants.

You were honest from the beginning. Don't feel bad!
Give her what she wants and you will be miserable living a life that you did not want to settle for. She made a decision to stay with you after you were clear on your 0 desire to have children. She can't guilty trip you now.

At times I have thought that the best option might be for me to say yes to 1 kid as a compromise to keep the relationship going but I don't think I should do that given that my heart is not in it.

Been there, done that and man, I do regret my decision big time! That's not the sort of subject you can compromise on.

She thinks that my attitude to kids is strange and she thinks that it will not significantly affect my life. I feel it will.

Your attitude is not strange at all! There are tons of men and women who live perfectly happy lives without children. :cool:

She thinks it will not significantly affect your life :eek: Is she mentally challenged? I mean, really! Send her to the parenting forum. Or separation and divorce - see how many people grew apart after having a child.

From sleep deprivation to the cost of raising a child, lack of us time. Your life will change forever!

Strange is to bring a child into the world when you are not ready or worse, just to please someone.

Stheno

This is a deal breaker for me. As the oldest of a very large family I never wanted children and got married on that understanding.

9 years later the marriage broke up as my then partner could not cope with not having kids.

Tread carefully here if I could turn back time I would.

Dial Hard

Another one here whose marriage broke up because I didn't want kids. I had been honest about it from the start but he changed his mind.

It sounds like you both hedged your bets on your profiles by saying "maybe" when you meant no and she meant yes. Let this be a lesson to any readers.

I think the writing is on the wall, OP, and tbh I'm not sure why you guys have stayed together as long as you have with this clearly being an issue. She wants kids, you don't - there's no compromising on that and unfortunately all the love in the world can't change it. You can be aware and acknowledge that everything else in the relationship is great, but the sad thing is, that sometimes only makes the decision harder.

People who want children (like your girlfriend) often genuinely cannot get their head around how strongly those of us on the other side of the equation know our feelings on the matter. I can't tell you how many times I heard "Ah just have a baby, you'll love it when it arrives" when my marriage was breaking up and I can't express how "Wtf?" I felt and still feel about that "logic" but likewise many of my circle can't even begin to understand why I feel the way I do.

At the end of the day, neither of you is wrong - you're just wrong for eachother in a heartbreakingly fundamental way.

osarusan

You seem to be fairly consistent in your certainty that you don't want kids.

There's nothing wrong with that, it's how you feel.

She wants kids and feels fairly consistent in that too, and there's nothing wrong with that either.

This is one of those areas where there's no way to compromise really.

Bunny Colvin

LuciX wrote: »

18 months, already living together and talking about children... Slow down

To be fair to the OP, he should be having this conversation now. It's a potential deal breaker and if he doesn't want children, he doesn't want them.

She can hardly afford to wait around too long either, given that she's 37.

cannotlogin

I hating saying this but watch the contraception.

I know three men is a similar position who got caught out. One couple have split, one are clearly unhappy and one guy genuinely says he really is amazed how much his mind changed when the child arrived, they've since had a second one. He was 28, they others older.

It's the one area of no compromise unfortunately.

leggo

frillyleaf wrote: »

What are the reasons you don’t want to have children?

You need to think about this and decide whether or not this is something you can do as there is no compromise on this scenario.

If she really wants children she may regret not having them and resent you.

It’s not his duty to compromise on something so fundamental and life-changing for her benefit though. Not having children is a perfectly valid life option and this exact post could also be put to his partner. And it’s a terrible idea to have a child for the sake of satiating a partner. The priority in a decision like this should be the child and, ideally, that should come from a position of a couple loving each other and wanting to bring a child into the world. At the end of the day, it would be preferable for this couple to break up and have their feelings hurt for a while to bringing a child that one person very clearly doesn’t want into the scenario.

OP you’ve been honest and admirable in standing over your convictions here. There’s just nowhere to go here. You don’t want it, that’s fine. When push came to shove, she decided she did, that’s also fine. But the two feelings aren’t compatible and that, sadly, is that.

rainbowtrout

frillyleaf wrote: »

What are the reasons you don’t want to have children?

You need to think about this and decide whether or not this is something you can do as there is no compromise on this scenario.

If she really wants children she may regret not having them and resent you.

He has thought about it and told her several times that he doesn't want kids. She has come back every time and said she does but decides to continue in the relationship. I would say that the girl friend is hoping deep down that he will change his mind, as the only option for her if she really wants kids is to end the relationship and and try and start again with someone else. And that probably isn't too pleasant a thought, as time is running out.

If she chooses to stay in the relationship knowing he doesn't want kids and she doesn't get to have them, then she may well resent it but he's been crystal clear on where he stands.

qwerty13

I’m female, and I’ve never wanted kids. I’ve said before to people that having a kid would ruin my life. I’ve got back some comments re how I’d cope. I don’t want to cope though - I like my life the way it is, without kids. I genuinely don’t think I’m being dramatic when I say that a kid would ruin my life.

Anyway - sounds like you’ve been honest from day 1. Perhaps you GF was equally honest, but has moved towards the kids thing. If it’s not for you, then I’m afraid it’s break up time: you can’t compromise on half a kid.

You could ‘go along with it’. But, speaking as a child of someone who openly told me that she wished she’d never had kids, it’s not a good place for a child to be, realising that a parent at least semi resents their existence.

milli milli

qwerty13 wrote: »

But, speaking as a child of someone who openly told me that she wished she’d never had kids, it’s not a good place for a child to be, realising that a parent at least semi resents their existence.

Qwerty, I just wanted to comment on this. What a devastating thing for you to hear and I am sorry that you were in this situation. I hope you are ok and are in a better place now.

qwerty13

milli milli wrote: »

Qwerty, I just wanted to comment on this. What a devastating thing for you to hear and I am sorry that you were in this situation. I hope you are ok and are in a better place now.

Awh thanks. I suspected it for years. But it was openly said later. Not my fault I was born though!!

That’s why I wanted to make the point that it isn’t just about the OP not wanting kids (which is a perfectly valid position) - it’s that even if he were to ‘compromise’ on this, a real live person comes into this world, and it’s simply not fair to them if one parent never quite wanted to be a parent, and can’t get used to having to be a parent.

So the decision isn’t just about what you want OP, I would say that if you are wavering because your GF wants this, you really need to also think about the effect on your child of you ‘going along with her choice’. You’d be gambling with the well being of your child by ‘hoping for the best’ that it would all work out re you coming to terms with having a child.

She thinks that my attitude to kids is strange and she thinks that it will not significantly affect my life.

Speaking from experience it will MASSIVELY affect your life. Particularly your relationship with her - aside from all the more obvious stuff people talk about.

It's tough but rewarding at the same time. I don't regret having kids but I'm not you.

If you don't want kids you should end it now and let her find someone who does. She is 37 so she hasn't much time. I'm a firm believer that a woman should start having kids in her 20s if at all possible. She should be the one finishing it over this, not you, but she is under massive time pressure.

As others have said be careful on contraception. Can't understand how it isn't a crime to trap a man in this way - it's the definition of non consent and it changes a man's life forever.

sbsquarepants

LuciX wrote: »

18 months, already living together and talking about children... Slow down
.

18 months is hardly a whirlwind, and at 37 she doesn't really have years to sit around waiting only to be told no at the end of it.

OP to be blunt, it's time to piss or get off the pot!

Make your decision (to suit your own needs and wants by the way, not hers) and then between you you'll have to decide what's the best course of action to live with the consequences, but do it quickly time is not on her side!

I'm the same age as your gf OP and single/dating...and I would like to have children. It's a question that comes up pretty early on in dating at my age tbh, in a general 'do you see yourself having children' as opposed to 'will you have a child with me' kinda way. Keeping in mind that for any woman a successful pregnancy isn't guaranteed and the older we get the more our chances decrease. However I make enquiries on the understanding, with myself, that I will need to walk away from a guy who does not see children in his future. I think it's as valid a life choice as my own, and I'd never try to talk someone round about it, or trick anyone into it. Over the last couple of years of being single I've met some great men who didn't want children, and so I/we've ended things. I went out with a guy for years who was a no/yes/maybe on kids and if he had been clearer I wouldn't have spent years thinking he'd be ready eventually - so I made the deal with myself that if a guy doesn't want children I need to keep looking for one who does.

You've been clear with your gf although by the time it was a definite 'no' you were both very invested in the relationship, which just means the ultimate decision is harder. As others have said it sounds like the writing is on the wall - she's just not ready to see it. Would you be willing to make the break if she isn't?

LuciX

Bunny Colvin wrote: »

To be fair to the OP, he should be having this conversation now. It's a potential deal breaker and if he doesn't want children, he doesn't want them.

She can hardly afford to wait around too long either, given that she's 37.

That's not his problem she is desperate. Women like her are on what counsellors call a destination journey.

Regular Poster wrote: »

I have never had a strong desire to have kids and my preference has being not to have kids.

A few weeks in to the relationship, I raised kids, and made it clear, that I don't think I will want kids. She made it clear that she wanted kids.
She became distant for a few days and then everything went back to normal. The childish behaviour started to show.

Kids then came up a few times over the coming months and I gave the same answer.
OP is consistent.

She said that she would "go away for a weekend and think about what this means for us", she never did this but instead suddenly told me that it is up to me whether we have kids or not.
She let the OP decide on the matter even though his decision was made months ago. He had his mind set from day one really but she is refusing to see what is right in front of her.

I told her I would give this one more thinking session and give her a clear answer in the coming week. I did this and told her that I did not want kids.
How many times does he need to repeat himself?

She got upset and distant at times. She has swung between ending the relationship and other non-runner ideas for me (adoption, fostering etc)
I am lost for words on that... You tell someone you don't want to have children and the person suggests you to adopt or foster? WTF!

At times I have thought that the best option might be for me to say yes to 1 kid as a compromise to keep the relationship going
Do this and the child is disable. Will she be happy with 1 only? Even if the child is healthy she can still push for another one.

She thinks that my attitude to kids is strange and she thinks that it will not significantly affect my life. I feel it will.
See the issue Bunny Colvin? Her life will change as in pregnancy, hormones etc but she thinks OP's life won't be significantly affect. :rolleyes: He is not the one carrying the child but he will be the one left to deal with her mood swings, tiredness and the financial impacts of having child.

I am not sure what to do next. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I witness two cases where people end up changing their mind but none of them were put on the spot and forced/guilty tripped into making a decision after a few months. Both couples were married/long term relationship.

Case 1: older lady (children over 18), younger man.
She said no more. He was ok either way.
They got married and ended up having a surprise pregnancy.
She thought she was on the menopause phase and didn't care about contraception. Turns out she got pregnant naturally at the tender age of 48 and was happy to have the child. They are still together.

Case 2: older man (one child a few years older than wife), younger woman.
He said no more. She wanted one.
They got married and agreed to give it 5yrs then have the talk.
They enjoyed their life together, travelled the world and this year sat down to make a decision. He decided to give her what she wants and "they" are now pregnant. Mind you, father is in his late 50's.

OP: If you break up with her you will find someone else. Might not be next month or next year but you will find someone on the same page as you.

As for her, I wish her luck. She wants what she wants and she won't stop until she gets it. If she really wants a child so bad she can go the solo route instead of putting men under pressure because her biological clock is ticking.

ManOfMystery

It sounds like neither of you should have wrote 'maybe' on your profiles, but I suppose at the time it was nothing more than an online dating profile form which may or may not lead to anything. 18 months later and it seems there were some expectations carried along based on that single entry.

Unfortunately no matter how good your relationship is, no matter how much in love you both are, this is one of those major incompatibilities that there is no way to get around.

There is no compromise. You either want kids, or you don't.

And having kids is such a life-changing experience (despite what your other half said, which in my opinion was just her minimising it) that you can't really go into it half-hearted, or make concessions and give in to please your partner. That will only end in resentment and anger.

Posts like this make it all sound negative, and it's not. Whilst it's been hard work and tiring at times, my life has been enriched immensely since my son entered it. I wouldn't change it for the world. And there are people out there who never want kids, then find themselves happy that they had them. But no-one can predict if you would have that kind of response and you can only go with how you feel right now.

zoobizoo

Regular Poster wrote: »

My girlfriend is 37.


to say yes to 1 kid as a compromise to keep the relationship going


She thinks that my attitude to kids is strange and she thinks that it will not significantly affect my life. I feel it will.

I was in your situation. I didn't want kids. I still don't. But I have 1 and he's great and I love him.

I compromised because it was a deal breaker. Has it significantly changed my life - yes. It changed my mornings, my evenings, my weekends, my free time, my finances etc etc etc

Was my heart in it back then? No
Is my heart in it now? Yes (but I still miss my free time)


Having 1 leads to having 2. You don't want a kid growing up without a brother or a sister - before you have 1 you don't think that that matters but it does.



Some people want kids - some don't. Not wanting them is as normal as wanting them.



Is your partner worth having kids for?

pwurple

LuciX wrote: »

That's not his problem she is desperate. Women like her are on what counsellors call a destination journey.

It is ENTIRELY his problem, as if she wants to start a family, he is the one preventing her meeting someone on the same wavelength. he should be saying, thanks for the fun, sorry for getting your hopes up for the last 2 years, k tks bye.

As for her, I wish her luck. She wants what she wants and she won't stop until she gets it. If she really wants a child so bad she can go the solo route instead of putting men under pressure because her biological clock is ticking.

The solo route, like that's easy. :rolleyes:

She is not putting him under pressure, she said it's his decision. He was the one who put 'maybe' on a profile, she must somehow think that he just hasn't decided on children with HER, but is up for it in general.

Her problem is that she is indecisive and optimistic. OP is not interested is becoming part of a family, but she still likes him and doesn't want to dump him. She is a victim of being far too soft for her own good.


Listen, the reality is the ship has already likely sailed for the pair of these childfree people anyway. At 37 and 39, you're both already pretty old to be having this chat now. This chat was due a decade ago... Even if you did go down that route, with your age profile, the fertility has already dropped off, so you're talking potential years to a child. Older men increase the risk of autistic children, and birth defects and pregnancy issues are on the horizon also.

I would probably have that hard truth conversation with her. Hey, we're both now likely past it... we can sign up for a lifetime being a couple as just us, or if that doesn't work for you, look elsewhere.

osarusan

Above post is very harsh, I don't think the OP has ever deceived or mislead his partner, he's been consistent since very early in the relationship, and they both ticked the 'maybe' box originally, not just him.


I don't think the OP needs to go as far as breaking up with her, but I do think he needs to say that if she is staying in the relationship in the hope that he will eventually come around to wanting kids, she is making a mistake because he is clear that he doesn't want them (to be fair to him, he has pretty much done this all along anyway).

That allows her to put that particular hope to bed and then look at her priorities.

rainbowtrout

pwurple wrote: »

It is ENTIRELY his problem, as if she wants to start a family, he is the one preventing her meeting someone on the same wavelength. he should be saying, thanks for the fun, sorry for getting your hopes up for the last 2 years, k tks bye.



She is not putting him under pressure, she said it's his decision.

Why is it his problem? Why is it up to him to break up? He’s not preventing her from doing anything. He’s given her his decision several times. He doesn’t want kids. He is consistent. If she wants kids so much why doesn’t she break up with him and find someone else?

TheBoyConor

Ye are not compatible. Ye clearly want different things and a difference over having kids is as big as it gets.

Get it over with, rip off the plaster and end it. Drawing the whole thing out is just going to cause ye both a lot more stress in the long run.

She thinks that my attitude to kids is strange and she thinks that it will not significantly affect my life. I feel it will.

:pac::D
All I can say to that is lol. Having a child premanently changes your life. The changes are dramatic and irreversible.

As a last warning, do not, DO NOT, have a child with her as a compromise just to appease her. That will end in absolute disaster sooner or later.

wiggle16

Mod warning:

Personal abuse is not tolerated in PI. If you can't make your point without calling another poster names, then it's best not to make it.

Idle Passerby

LuciX wrote: »

18 months, already living together and talking about children... Slow down

18 months is quick if your 22 but it's a generous time frame in your mid-late 30s. Myself and my husband moved in together after less than a year and got married at our 2 year anniversary.

By your 30s most people have had enough ****ty relationships to know a good one when it comes along. You also know what you want and don't in a partner/relationship so there's less second guessing than when your younger and less experienced.

Sounds like OPs partner is trying to accept the possibility that kids aren't in her future, and she's struggling with this. I don't think it's the OPs fault, he's been honest from the begining and he has every right to not want kids. However it's up to the girlfriend to accept that stance and decide if it's what she wants. Being in her late 30s her options are dwindling and I'm sure that's preying on her mind.

OP if your determined not to have a kid, all you can do is be totally clear about that. You can't in good conscience help to create and raise a new person if you know it's something you don't want.

Daisy78

osarusan wrote: »

Above post is very harsh, I don't think the OP has ever deceived or mislead his partner, he's been consistent since very early in the relationship, and they both ticked the 'maybe' box originally, not just him.


I don't think the OP needs to go as far as breaking up with her, but I do think he needs to say that if she is staying in the relationship in the hope that he will eventually come around to wanting kids, she is making a mistake because he is clear that he doesn't want them (to be fair to him, he has pretty much done this all along anyway).

That allows her to put that particular hope to bed and then look at her priorities.

Which may be to walk away anyway and he will need to accept that too.

lainey_d_123

LuciX wrote: »

18 months, already living together and talking about children... Slow down

18 months isn't remotely a short time for a couple in their late thirties. How much longer do you expect them to leave it? She's already 37, and if this relationship doesn't work out, she already has very little time to find someone else and start over again.

Fair play to the OP for taking this seriously and being so upfront and honest about not wanting kids. A lot of people would string her along until it was too late or try to change her mind.

It's hard to know what to advise here. Kids aren't a certainty by any means and in her position I'd be extremely worried about leaving a good relationship to *maybe* have kids with someone else, but then I've never been fussed on having them. It is for sure one of those things you can't really compromise on. I'd never advise anyone to have a kid they didn't want to keep a relationship, though.

pwurple

pwurple wrote: »

It is ENTIRELY his problem, as if she wants to start a family, he is the one preventing her meeting someone on the same wavelength. he should be saying, thanks for the fun, sorry for getting your hopes up for the last 2 years, k tks bye.

I thought she was a 37 year old adult, not a child?

I agree he should leave her but ultimately its up to her. All the stuff about birth defects applies 10 times to women and is irrelevant to the OP as he doesn't want kids.

lainey_d_123

pwurple wrote: »

It is ENTIRELY his problem, as if she wants to start a family, he is the one preventing her meeting someone on the same wavelength. he should be saying, thanks for the fun, sorry for getting your hopes up for the last 2 years, k tks bye.


The solo route, like that's easy. :rolleyes:

She is not putting him under pressure, she said it's his decision. He was the one who put 'maybe' on a profile, she must somehow think that he just hasn't decided on children with HER, but is up for it in general.

Her problem is that she is indecisive and optimistic. OP is not interested is becoming part of a family, but she still likes him and doesn't want to dump him. She is a victim of being far too soft for her own good.


Listen, the reality is the ship has already likely sailed for the pair of these childfree people anyway. At 37 and 39, you're both already pretty old to be having this chat now. This chat was due a decade ago... Even if you did go down that route, with your age profile, the fertility has already dropped off, so you're talking potential years to a child. Older men increase the risk of autistic children, and birth defects and pregnancy issues are on the horizon also.

I would probably have that hard truth conversation with her. Hey, we're both now likely past it... we can sign up for a lifetime being a couple as just us, or if that doesn't work for you, look elsewhere.

What a mean spirited, unhelpful thing to say.

They couldn't have had the chat a decade ago because they hadn't met a decade ago. There are all sorts of reasons why people only meet their 'life partner' well into their thirties. Life isn't like some little fairy tale where you meet someone in college and date for 5 years, buy a house and settle down. Some people are lucky and it's as easy as that, others have long term relationships (even marriages) which break up at 35+, others are dealing with physical or mental illnesses or other problems, others simply just don't meet someone compatible.

Someone meeting their partner later in life doesn't make them some second rate, defective being who doesn't deserve children. I know plenty of people who met partners in their mid thirties and a bit later who are now married with kids. What it does mean is that you can't waste time dilly dallying and going back and forth on whether you want them or not. There's nothing remotely unreasonable about wanting to think about children 18 months into a relationship, at any age. It's long enough to know the other person well, to know if you're compatible, etc. This is the time to decide if they're going to go for it or not. They're probably fine to have kids now, but won't be in just 2-3 years, potentially.

Xterminator

Hi Op

have you balanced the costs mentally emotionally and economically of breaking up with your girlfriend VS compromising ? I'm not saying you should give in, just saying that you need to give careful thought here. the relationship probably wont survive if you both stick to your guns. you cant have your cake and eat it this time

I love her a lot. She says she loves me a lot.

so would you rather stay with the person you love and have a child or lose your love and remain childless?

In my opinion i'd lean towards allowing my partner be fulfilled, than be alone and regretting my decisions.

bitofabind

pwurple wrote: »

At 37 and 39, you're both already pretty old to be having this chat now. This chat was due a decade ago... Even if you did go down that route, with your age profile, the fertility has already dropped off, so you're talking potential years to a child. Older men increase the risk of autistic children, and birth defects and pregnancy issues are on the horizon also.

The old fertility scaremongering and putting the OP down for things he can't control is not really helpful advice tbh.

I think in this instance OP, you need to be cruel to be kind. Given your partner's age and the fact that you haven't been a HARD NO NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, she's hedging her bets and convincing herself that she can convince you.

You're entitled to not want kids, but if you really love this woman, you need to express that in no uncertain terms and don't leave room for her to lie to yourself. I'm talking a "Sheila, I don't want kids. I will never want kids. I love you to bits but this will never change" and letting the chips fall where they will.

If she starts with her "ok, but..." line of usual commentary, I think you then need to take a harder stance and move out for a few weeks to give her a chance to really digest this information. Honestly, it sounds like the desire for kids will never go away for her and that may well lead to her resenting you in years to come.