Boyfriend made me feel inadequate

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend 3 months, so still early days but things have been going well. He has always been lovely to me and very respectful.

The other day though while in bed, he was hugging me and said "You have a great body." I replied "Ah stop", as you do, and he said "No you do. You've small boobs though." When I sort've gasped he added "I like them though!" but the damage felt done. I was so upset and angry at him, and suddenly felt so insecure and inadequate. A few days previous he had mentioned my boobs as well and had said "they're a bit on the small side". Which hurt, but at the time I just let it go. This second comment was just too much for me though. (Just to add - I've always felt insecure about having small boobs so it really hurt).

I couldn't get it out of my mind so took some space to myself. He has been completely and utterly apologetic and told me he's devastated to have hurt me.

Last night I rang him to try resolve things and explained why it hurt. I told him it feels like he obviously likes bigger boobs and its made me feel inadequate. He talked for ages about how he doesn't have a type, I'm perfect for him, etc, but whilst talking mentioned that when he watches porn he sometimes searches for big boobs. This just made me feel a million times worse. It confirmed to me that he has a type and I'm clearly not it. He apologised again and said he doesn't know why he keeps putting his foot in it.

I'm so upset now that I don't even want to talk to him. Am I overreacting?

feelinadequate

feelinadequate wrote: »

Last night I rang him to try resolve things and explained why it hurt ... whilst talking mentioned that when he watches porn he sometimes searches for big boobs.

FFS, I can't get over how stupid this is.

I don't think you're over-reacting, replace the word "boobs" with "penis" in what you've said and have a think about how he'd feel if you said those things … pretty sh't I guess.

Look, he sounds like an idiot and it is early days so only you can decide if it's worth continuing with him. It's not the worst thing anyone's ever said to their partner and I wouldn't worry about the "type" side of things, people look for all sorts of different things in porn which don't necessarily transfer into real life.

But he's careless enough to have said the same thing THREE times (the last time during his apology for the other two times!) which is a bit too careless for me personally. At the very least, take a little break and give yourself time to decide how to move forward.

tara73

Can only second the post from Jackie Brown. He mentioned your 'small' boobs twice, first you let it go, the second time you got understandably upset and when wanting to get clarification and talking things through he mentioned he's looking for big boobs on the internet. Can it get more stupid, or obvious?

He has a poblem with your boobs and this can't be resoved, you will always feel bad now being with him. You know what you need to do.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here. Thank you for the replies.

I'm so devastated over this and I don't want it to end. Apart from this setback he has been amazing to me. Kind, caring, always complimentary. This came out of nowhere and felt like a punch to the stomach. I wish it was salvageable but am I naive for thinking this? Now all I can think is that he's more attracted to girls with bigger busts, and that he secretly sees me as inadequate. It's put such a dent in my confidence. But on the other hand, I like him so much and as I said, bar this he's been amazing.

Do you think it's in any way resolvable? I understand it's my relationship and only I can know that but I just feel so lost with the whole thing.

Kenny B

Yes, its' an overreaction,

He did nothing wrong, you've always felt insecure about the small boobs, an honest intimate comment from him has you wound up and now you are focusing on an issue you always had, he has no issue with your own perceived flaws.

I'm sure if you want a partner to lie to you and tell you are perfect in every detail, they'll do that for you, but a little honesty should not hurt, unless you are looking for a little drama.


'He apologised again and said he doesn't know why he keeps putting his foot in it'

To me it seems, You're creating drama, he can do no right.

TheHairyMenace

Kenny B wrote: »

Yes, its' an overreaction,

He did nothing wrong, you've always felt insecure about the small boobs, an honest intimate comment from him has you wound up and now you are focusing on an issue you always had, he has no issue with your own perceived flaws.

I'm sure if you want a partner to lie to you and tell you are perfect in every detail, they'll do that for you, but a little honesty should not hurt, unless you are looking for a little drama.


'He apologised again and said he doesn't know why he keeps putting his foot in it'

To me it seems, You're creating drama, he can do no right.

I'm guessing you've never actually been in a healthy relationship then?

The OP is not asking her partner to lie to her. His first comment (which in fairness anyone with 2 brain cells to rub together would know not to say) upset her but as the OP has pointed out he had made comments about his preference before and after that stupid comment.

By repeatedly reminding the OP of this he is treating he with contempt and wearing down her self-esteem because each instance makes her feel a little more inadequate.

On top of that;
1) We can all make a stupid comment but once someone makes it clear that the comment is upsetting then you stop making that comment. No mystery to that.
2) If you care about the person you are with then even if you secretly feel that you wish their hair was a different colour, boobs/dick bigger or whatever then you realise that constantly reminding them of this is only belittling them and a fairly ****ty thing to do to the person you're in a relationship with. If it's that big an issue for you the be strong enough to end that relationship. Don't be the spineless turn that sticks around because they have a captive audience.

Nobody should get into a relationship to chance someone else. You either accept your partner as they are or you don't. That doesn't mean you can't celebrate changes they make on their own (and hopefully with the support of you, their partner) but it does mean you do not have license to be ****ty.

Kenny B

TheHairyMenace wrote: »

I'm guessing you've never actually been in a healthy relationship then?
Don't be the ****ty.

Perfectly healthy relationship, honesty and the fact we allow each be honest is key,

At no point did he say he'd prefer her with a different body or say he was disappointed with her body, he made simple comments that she can't come to terms with.

As she pointed out she's not happy with small boob's, at no point did he say to her he wasn't happy with her as she is,


Stick to what she actually said and not your spin of it, just because you don't have an open and honest relationship with your partner, don't assume others can't.

(oops, see what I did there, I assumed you've never had an honest relationship)

The chan chan man

If you’ve small tits then it is what it is. He just said it. Move on and enjoy your time together.

zapper55

Would you be that cavalier if it was a woman talking about a guys small dick? I dont think guys realise how much some women are insecure about their breasts.

PerryB78

Sounds like a bit of a pr*ck really to be honest, hes hurt you and he knows it and then does it twice more. I dont think you should stay with him he dosent respect you

GooglePlus

He's a bad egg and it'll only get worse.

lawred2

He sounds like a moron

lawred2

The chan chan man wrote: »

If you’ve small tits then it is what it is. He just said it. Move on and enjoy your time together.

If you've a small dick then it is what it is etc

Batgurl

I do think you are being over-sensitive about something that obviously strikes a nerve with you.

Some people are thick skinned and some people are indelicate with their words. Your boyfriend sounds like a combination of these things. If you told him you prefer circumcised penises, I bet he wouldn’t take offence. Because he’s thick skinned. So he can’t see why you are taking offence to him stating (honestly) that you have small boobs.

You will need to tell him that saying that hurts your feelings and I think you will need to repeat that a number of times before he will hear it and accept it.

Mortelaro

The chan chan man wrote: »

If you’ve small tits then it is what it is. He just said it. Move on and enjoy your time together.

This

He's with you for a reason, look at it this way, you won him
I do think you are over thinking the comment
Sometimes people converse without thinking much
They'll describe things
That's all he did
He wasn't thinking what you were thinking when he was saying what he said
Who should give a hoot about whether he likes big boobs
So what if he does
I like kittens
But it doesn't stop me liking puppies
Forget about it and Enjoy

The chan chan man

lawred2 wrote: »

If you've a small dick then it is what it is etc

Exactly. I don’t ask my wife to tell me its 9 inches long when we both know its not!

dartboardio

He sounds like an immature boy, only an immature boy would be silly enough to SAY something like that to his girlfriend of three months knowing in this day and age it would hurt!

My boyfriend of four years has never ever mentioned my body in a 'but its a bit..' kind of way.

A mature man would be respectful enough to appreciate what's in front of him, and knowing each body is great in its own way bla bla rather than comparing it to other women.

I wouldnt take too much thought to the comment because after all. It is just a word, and who says big boobs are a good thing or a bad thing?

It'd be alot worse if he insulted you! Small boobs isn't an insult.. But it is if he insinuates he wishes they were bigger.

I suppose its not mean but its disrespectful to comment on your other halves body in a way that compares them to others.

LuciX

dartboardio wrote: »

He sounds like an immature boy, only an immature boy would be silly enough to SAY something like that to his girlfriend of three months
I suppose its not mean but its disrespectful to comment on your other halves body in a way that compares them to others.

He is immature end of.

Girlfriend of 3 months The way you speak it's they are together for a lifetime... 3 months means nothing! As judge Judy often says I have food in my cupboard that is older than that :pac:

Going by his attitude I'd not be surprised if he sees the OP as a fling as opposed to a gf.

Other halves :rolleyes: a three month long "relationship" :rolleyes:

How old are you OP? And how old is he?

In this day and age you can't be sure he is your boyfriend until you have 'the talk'. I hope you have had a chat to see where you stand as oppose to have this imaginary bf position filled in your head.

Life was a lot easier pre-millennial era... Are we dating? Are we official? Are we exclusive?

punisher5112

People are absolute dicks.....

Why comment at all.

Sock of fools doing so about appearance.


Honestly op I wouldn't be worried or looking into it too much as I absolutely love small or perky as they could be called. I hope that's ok to say by the way.

He does sound like an idiot to be honest and why he would even say that....

Totally up to you but if you feel that's too far you're not too long together so move on.

Katgurl

I would ditch him and I don't care who here says that would be an overreaction.

Your partner is supposed to care about you, make you feel loved and admired.

His words were hurtful and crass and they were said while you were lying in an intimate setting.

At worst he's nasty piece of work trying to undermine you and make you feel insecure. At best he's stupid and immature. Neither is a good look.

Kenny B

dartboardio wrote: »

A mature man would be respectful enough to appreciate what's in front of him, and knowing each body is great in its own way bla bla rather than comparing it to other women.

A mature man might think he's talking to a mature woman, who won't read the worst into casual chat,


Does my arse look big in this? Yes, Yes it does.

Is that an insult also?,

Or he says no, She wears it out, sees a photo of her huge arse and asks him why he did he not tell her.

Which is more insulting?

Stop playing pretend games - Be honest/Accept honesty.

redfox123

Honestly I think the OP should end it. I got a really bad feeling reading his comments and I wouldn’t be one the be overly sensitive but it’s very weird the way he made those comments, as if he is lying there judging your body.

Its like that ‘negging’ thing that manipulators and puas do, backhanded compliments that are unnecessary but have a goal to compliment you while subtly undermining your confidence.

I think he is very immature with not much emotional intelligence and I think you should let him go back to his little porn fantasies, he is not mature enough to respect and appreciate a real life woman. At the start of a relationship especially you should be making your partner feel good about their body. There was no need for his comments, and he is not ‘putting his foot in it’ he is making sure you know what he likes.

redfox123

Kenny B wrote: »

A mature man might think he's talking to a mature woman, who won't read the worst into casual chat,


Does my arse look big in this? Yes, Yes it does.

Is that an insult also?,

Or he says no, She wears it out, sees a photo of her huge arse and asks him why he did he not tell her.

Which is more insulting?

Stop playing pretend games - Be honest/Accept honesty.

Eh she never asked?! That’s very what’s weird, the brutal honesty and judgement of her body that she in no way wanted or asked for. If she had constantly asked for honesty regarding her boobs then what he said would have been fine, but at no time did she ask for a judgement on the size of her boobs. It was just his own unwanted opinion.

lozenges

For what it's worth, I do think you're overreacting a bit.
He gave you what was obviously a compliment (you've a great body) and then stupidly blurted out that you have small boobs. Which isn't necessarily an insult - some people prefer them! - but is by your own admission something you're sensitive about.

It sounds like he said something accidentally and didn't know when to shut up, not that he was being deliberately malicious in any way.

Do you like other things about him? Do you enjoy his company and the relationship? If you do I wouldn't throw it away for a mindless comment.

Caryatnid

lozenges wrote: »

For what it's worth, I do think you're overreacting a bit.
He gave you what was obviously a compliment (you've a great body) and then stupidly blurted out that you have small boobs. Which isn't necessarily an insult - some people prefer them!.

Ah to be fair the "You've small boobs though" was clearly not meant as a compliment or something he prefers. It was no-reason critique. And no one likes that.

"You have a great body." I replied "Ah stop", as you do, and he said "No you do. You've small boobs though."

OP, I am not gonna get into the debate about breaking up with him or not as that's not really something anyone here can reasonably advise you on. You know him and how he normally is. Some people are dicks, some people are thick, and then a lot of us are one of the other sometimes. You can decide what you think. Despite his obvious preference for bigger boobs, he does still fancy you and want to be with you. I suppose a lot of people could find something that could be improved in their partner's appearance.... It's just that most of us have the cop on not to share that... And especially not in bed, straight after giving a compliment. ::🀦*♂️ facepalm::
So, if you do give it a go with him, it's not like you have to be with him forever.... you can still break up with him next month/whenever, if he continues being a dope.

comedown

This guy seems like a total creep, to be honest.

ClaireAnn

This reminds me of not one but two exes of mine. One ex showed me pictures online of the kind of stomachs he liked on woman. Then how beautiful his ex was. On another occasion, as I said a dress on a shop window was nice, he told me that I wouldn't be able to pull it off (slim & nice dress sense!).

Moreover this reminds me of another ex who made similar comments about my breasts, which I feel like your story are likely to not clumsy comments made without intent but passing comments made to make you feel undermined. I have a size 10 with C cup breasts (actually a d cup bra size but narrow frame) & while in bed with an ex, from nowhere he said "your breasts are small". Like when anyone occasionally puts me down, I alas am too surprised hurt to say much. I just said something like err they're not that small. He said they are!

He also brought this up on another occasion. He turned out to be a very weak unpleasant guy, so I so regret not saying to him that nobody is perfect, eg your stomach. Also I should add that guy was pretty much addicted to porn, so I think on a practical level his impression of what is an average breast size was distorted.

Also in retrospect, I would have got dressed & left/dumped him. Not only are these comments hurtful but I suspect in both above cases that these exes wanted to undermine me & put me on the back foot.

I should add, that I have no issue with my breast size. The boyfriend in this case, has hurt the OP more than once & therefore seems like likely to have been accidental.

Rodin

Get rid.

ILoveYourVibes

He is deliberately undermining your self confidence.

I would be wary of him.

The_Kitty

LuciX wrote: »

He is immature end of.

Girlfriend of 3 months The way you speak it's they are together for a lifetime... 3 months means nothing! As judge Judy often says I have food in my cupboard that is older than that :pac:

Going by his attitude I'd not be surprised if he sees the OP as a fling as opposed to a gf.

Other halves :rolleyes: a three month long "relationship" :rolleyes:

How old are you OP? And how old is he?

In this day and age you can't be sure he is your boyfriend until you have 'the talk'. I hope you have had a chat to see where you stand as oppose to have this imaginary bf position filled in your head.

Life was a lot easier pre-millennial era... Are we dating? Are we official? Are we exclusive?

This to me is the most sensible response the OP got. In the current dating scene talk like that from a man is often his way of letting a girl know its not serious while still wanting and expecting the full gf experience. Often then the woman does not see this because they are blinded by their feelings for the man plus they feel because the man is accepting and wanting gf behaviour then its a relationship when its not, they're just being played.

The_Kitty

punisher5112 wrote: »

People are absolute dicks.....

Why comment at all.

Sock of fools doing so about appearance.


Honestly op I wouldn't be worried or looking into it too much as I absolutely love small or perky as they could be called. I hope that's ok to say by the way.

He does sound like an idiot to be honest and why he would even say that....

Totally up to you but if you feel that's too far you're not too long together so move on.

Tbh I don't think the comments were innocent or being an idiot. He didnt just say she had small boobs, he said it like having small boobs were a negative thing and did so 3 times. Saying it once would be foolish, 3 times makes it something else. To me that's deliberately trying to hurt her making stupid comments like that or letting her know its not a relationship, just **** buddies.

woohoo!!!

Sounds like a clumsy one from him rather than he's an oddball trying to undermine you. Not going to repeat previous advice but just say, relationships are built on trust really and if this is damaged then end it. If not, sit down and make clear it's very sensitive for you and he should never ever raise it again. Give yourself the weekend without him and mull it over.

positron

Somewhat surprised how so many posters here are ready to judge a person enough to cut him off from OPs life entirely based on just one comment / aspect of him/her.

lawred2

positron wrote: »

Somewhat surprised how so many posters here are ready to judge a person enough to cut him off from OPs life entirely based on just one comment / aspect of him/her.

Was multiple times actually

Moshman

He's obviously a plonker who likes larger breasts(no harm in that, we all have our preferences) but what's his point in bringing your size up? Does he want you to enhance? Many men like smaller women so don't be upset. Kick him to touch and move on.

Alf Veedersane

The chan chan man wrote: »

Exactly. I don’t ask my wife to tell me its 9 inches long when we both know its not!

That's not even close to being comparable.

No one has suggested that he lie to her. But he also doesn't need to repeatedly comment about something that the OP is possibly sensitive about. And then upon finding out the OP was upset by it, he still went on and told her he looked for big boobs when he was looking at porn.

Its possibly just clumsy or stupid and may not be any more than that. But the problem isn't the OP's reaction.

They're 3 months in and he's made repeated comments about preferring bigger boobs than she has. Of course she's going to feel insecure that he'll move on to someone with bigger boobs.

listermint

Tbh the way the conversations are going I wouldn't be surprised if he lines up the old have you ever thought about having them done....

Guy is a spanner, im on the fence about dumping him as I can't tell if he's genuine or not. But the subject seems to be on his mind and that for me is a flag.

Kenny B

TheHairyMenace wrote: »

The OP may be too pathetic to handle this.

What help is this to the OP,

The guy is a creep and she is pathetic, shoot everyone and you'll eventually hit the right person,


I'm astonished how quickly people go to top gear and say dump him, she's in the sack with him, calls him her boyfriend so must like many things about him.

Still learning how to communicate with each other I guess, I think she's over reacting to something she's overly sensitive about, at worst he sounds clumsy not malicious.

Tired Gardener

It sounds like he is 'negging' you. He had no reason to mention your breasts at that time, nor did he need to mention his porn preferences.

It has had the desired impact he wanted and made you feel a bit bad about yourself.

If I were you OP, I'd be wary.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging

eviltwin

Could be a stupid comment he didn't intend to hurt you with, could be someone who thrives on undermining his partner. Probably too soon to say at this stage.

If it was me I'd give him the benefit of the doubt but any more comments like this and he'd be gone.

Don't let this type of thing become a common feature of your relationship

tara73

Kenny B wrote: »

What help is this to the OP,

The guy is a creep and she is pathetic, shoot everyone and you'll eventually hit the right person,


I'm astonished how quickly people go to top gear and say dump him, she's in the sack with him, calls him her boyfriend so must like many things about him.

Still learning how to communicate with each other I guess, I think she's over reacting to something she's overly sensitive about, at worst he sounds clumsy not malicious.

overly sensitive..so you literally say you would be ok with a girlfriend, telling you randomly you have a small penis. then a second time, cuddling in bed, telling you you have a small penis. when you want to claryfy things with her she's again in this conversation mentioning she's looking on the internet for pics with big penisses.

but yeah, she needs to learn to communicate and is overreacting.

Like a poster mentioned, I think you've never been in a healthy relationship and you want to give advice on relationship issues...

please OP, don't take this advice to heart!

Slutmonkey57b

I'm assuming both parties are fairly young, and there's a reasonable case to be made that young men say and do crass, thoughtless things when they're learning, and cause hurt to their partners.

However there is no reason to say that the "learning experience" for him should be that if she works hard to teach him slowly and carefully that he'll learn eventually while continuing to hurt her. The learning experience could be "behave like a selfish, crass, insensitive idiot and you'll get dumped" which is more effective and doesn't involve a woman getting hurt and having her self esteem shattered in favour of not causing hurt to the selfish crass idiot.

Treating yourself better than he wants to treat you isn't a bad thing, it's a good thing.

lawred2

eviltwin wrote: »

Could be a stupid comment he didn't intend to hurt you with, could be someone who thrives on undermining his partner. Probably too soon to say at this stage.

If it was me I'd give him the benefit of the doubt but any more comments like this and he'd be gone.

Don't let this type of thing become a common feature of your relationship

Wasn't a once off. It was said repeatedly and in a number of different contexts. He's either a moron or a prick.

Better off without.

whiskeyman

For such a short relationship I'm surprised many are defending him.
It's more than honesty in my opinion. It shows lack of respect and awareness.

What many haven't touched on is that he told her he watches porn with women with big tits... something he told her she doesn't have.
Why mention that so early in a relationship... why mention that at all?
This just compounded the situation.

He sounds extremely immature and just not clued into how you may feel OP.

redfox123

I really don’t know how some people think what he said is just clumsy or in any way ok. Come on..imagine any other scenario in life where this might be ok..him or anyone else walks up to her and comments ..I like your face...but your nose is kind of big. Then the next day , still without her asking commenting on her nose again..and then going on to say I generally like faces with small noses.
Like it’s off the scale in terms of insensitive and in any other walk of life would be bullying. So just because she’s in an intimate relationship with this guy it’s ok for him to judge her body and insinuate he prefers another type?

comedown

listermint wrote: »

Tbh the way the conversations are going I wouldn't be surprised if he lines up the old have you ever thought about having them done....

Have a feeling this is what he's angling at as well. Gross.
There's definitely a sinister element of manipulation at play here.

wiggle16

Mod warning:
The Hairy Menace, if you have a problem with a post, report it. Personal abuse is not tolerated in PI.

Some posts have been deleted as they offered no advice to the OP - if you don't have any civil, constructive advice for the OP, don't post. If you are posting simply to respond to another poster, don't post.

Also: a number of posters in this thread have been very flippant towards the OP, to the point of being mean. There's no need for it. While PI is not about sugar-coating, that's not carte-blanche to be unkind. Keep that in mind.

positron

lawred2 wrote: »

Was multiple times actually

I am sure I say dumb as sh1t stuff all the time without knowing the hurt it may cause.

If it wasn't for important people in life forgiving me and helping me make better decisions, I don't know where I would be today...!

Kenny B

<SNIPPED>

Mod:

See above.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here. Thank you for all the replies.

Just to answer some questions; he is generally a very kind person. Very genuine, the type who would do anything for me. He has told me he's mad about me and can't get over being so stupid to have said what he said. So I really don't believe there was any malice in his words.

Someone assumed he's young, he's late twenties, not that young tbf.

I'm so torn over what to do. Even if I forgive him, I'll never be able to forget this. I don't know how I could be comfortable with him now, and my confidence has plummeted. Telling me about the porn was an unnecessary blow to the situation. He was talking and talking and dug himself a hole. Now he's saying he's not into big boobs, I've taken him up wrong, etc... but I mean it's plainly obvious he is, and lying about it just further infuriates me.

I'm just so devastated, we were pretty mad about each other and this has ruined things. No guy has ever said anything like this, it never even entered my mind that it could be an issue. Maybe I was naive. I'm not sure. I don't know what to do.

Dial Hard

If it was me and everything previous to this was as great as you say, I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. It genuinely doesn't seem like there was any malice in it at all. But, if you genuinely think you're not going to be able to forget about it then it might be better ending things now, otherwise this is just going to turn into a big "But yoooouuuuu have a gambling problem!" thing.

Also, fwiw, in future when someone compliments you, just say thanks instead of "Ah stop!" I genuinely feel like this whole situation could have been avoided if you'd just accepted the compliment. Apologies if that sounds harsh, it's not intended to be.