Where now

confused2019

Hi sorry there is two parts to this.

I broke up with my girlfriend today. She dumped me for valid reasons but I'm heartbroken. I was mad about her and don't know where to go now. I mid forties and have no real interest in dating again or going on dating apps. I live in an area where most of my friends have moved away so don't really have any close friends nearby. I'm also a bit introverted. I really don't know what to do. I have no interest in meeting anyone else but will just be spending most of my time on my own from now on. I feel really depressed. Has anyone ever felt the same and have any advice..

My ex also said she wanted to stay friends but then blocked me on Facebook. We ended amicablly so I find that really confusing. I'm never really on Facebook so blocking me was unnecessary but it stings a lot. Don't know what to make of it.

BDI

Have you ever wanted to have other hobbies other than having a girlfriend?

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confused2019 wrote: »

Hi sorry there is two parts to this.

I broke up with my girlfriend today. She dumped me for valid reasons but I'm heartbroken. I was mad about her and don't know where to go now. I mid forties and have no real interest in dating again or going on dating apps. I live in an area where most of my friends have moved away so don't really have any close friends nearby. I'm also a bit introverted. I really don't know what to do. I have no interest in meeting anyone else but will just be spending most of my time on my own from now on. I feel really depressed. Has anyone ever felt the same and have any advice..

My ex also said she wanted to stay friends but then blocked me on Facebook. We ended amicablly so I find that really confusing. I'm never really on Facebook so blocking me was unnecessary but it stings a lot. Don't know what to make of it.

Very sorry to hear that, it has only being a few hours, obviously you are very emotional right now..
It will take time, dont check social media ( which you have)..
Confide in family and friends.
These things happen, happened me late 40's..
You are NOT alone...

sasta le

What were the valid reasons?
Maybe leave her have space for a few weeks and see does she contact you

confused2019

BDI wrote: »

Have you ever wanted to have other hobbies other than having a girlfriend?

I do have some, I play soccer and like cycling and walking/hiking. They occupy so little of my time though.

sasta le

confused2019 wrote: »

Thanks but I'm pretty sure this is final. I'd rather not go into the reason as its not really important to my questions. Thanks for replying

Give her time and can you sort out the reasons?

BDI

confused2019 wrote: »

I do have some, I play soccer and like cycling and walking/hiking. They occupy so little of my time though.

You can cycle as much as you want now. Test yourself and see what you can achieve with with no distractions.

confused2019

BDI wrote: »

You can cycle as much as you want now. Test yourself and see what you can achieve with with no distractions.

Yeah I suppose I can but I'm too old and injured to be any good at it but will give it a go. I think too much when I cycle though

Sharp MZ700

Whose valid reasons were they? Hers if she broke it off..

Look it only happened today you're all over the place. Just take time think clearly and process it, not at all easy but if she's done the social media break off then that's pretty much it. Have you friends or anyone to talk to? Don't do anything irrational or stupid and keep your dignity and respect. You're in your 40s you're more than equipped with experience to deal with this stuff

Stay positive, it's a new chapter.

An Ri rua

My advice is tread softly.

Before you post anything here, or texts to her, or statements of any kind, be sure to read them twice, no, three times.
If you're drinking, don't post. If it all happened just today, then your title post is impossible to answer.
Your head will be in a spin, your heart bereft, but you must make as few moves as possible, physical or verbal.
My advice, and it's just me, would be to analyse the situations by searching for similar couples situations online. But don't hang your washing out in public. Which you've said you won't. But then it becomes very hard for anyone to advise except in the most general terms.
Your title says 'where now'. V difficult to answer in the general, other than to simply say go easy on yourself, try to fumble through the first few nights and attempt to get some sleep, food etc. You won't get as much as you need, but do try to help yourself get through the first few awful days. There are no immediate 'where now' answers.
Hopefully others here can provide guidance if you give them some breadcrumbs to follow.

Take care

confused2019

An Ri rua wrote: »

My advice is tread softly.

Before you post anything here, or texts to her, or statements of any kind, be sure to read them twice, no, three times.
If you're drinking, don't post. If it all happened just today, then your title post is impossible to answer.
Your head will be in a spin, your heart bereft, but you must make as few moves as possible, physical or verbal.
My advice, and it's just me, would be to analyse the situations by searching for similar couples situations online. But don't hang your washing out in public. Which you've said you won't. But then it becomes very hard for anyone to advise except in the most general terms.
Your title says 'where now'. V difficult to answer in the general, other than to simply say go easy on yourself, try to fumble through the first few nights and attempt to get some sleep, food etc. You won't get as much as you need, but do try to help yourself get through the first few awful days. There are no immediate 'where now' answers.
Hopefully others here can provide guidance if you give them some breadcrumbs to follow.

Take care

Thanks for the advice. I wasn't planning on messaging or airing anything in in public. I have had a few drinks and am just depressed how it all ended and how I made such a mess of it. I think I just need to go to bed now.

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confused2019 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. I wasn't planning on messaging or airing anything in in public. I have had a few drinks and am just depressed how it all ended and how I made such a mess of it. I think I just need to go to bed now.

Bed would be great, stay off the phone...
Try not to think too hard !

Porklife

Hey Op, I hope you’re feeling a little bit brighter this morning although I’d hanker a bet that you’re probably feeling worse. I don’t really get why a few posters were telling you to stay off the phone when you hadn’t given any indication
that you planned on calling or messaging her. Anyway, I’m really sorry that you’re going through this, heartbreak is one of hardest things to go through and can make you feel an array of emotions from sadness to anger to disbelief and finally acceptance.
It’s easy to say from the outside but time really is the greatest healer. It heals everything, even the deepest darkest pain gets easier to deal with as time goes by.
I remember being so devastated when my ex broke up with me. It was torture. I’d wake up in the mornings and for the first few minutes I’d forget that it happened and I’d be okay. Then I’d be brushing my teeth and I’d remember and suddenly I’d break down. Life didn’t feel worth living. I was heartbroken. At the time I truly believed I’d never love or feel happiness again but you know what… since then, I’ve travelled the world, I’ve lived in 4 different countries, I’ve had countless nights of fun and flirting and romance and happiness and life is absolutely amazing. Try telling me that when I was sitting in my pjamas drinking cans of beer crying my heart out. I promise you that things will get better. Promise you.
So, aside from time, the best way to get there is to look after yourself. However, I think for the first few days or even weeks you have a get out of jail free card to act and do whatever the hell you want. Feel all the pain and emotion. Get angry, get sad, drink if you want to, sleep in late, eat bad food. None of this will make you feel all that better but it’s part of the process.
In a little while you’ll snap out of it and will start to pick yourself up again. Get onto dating apps, join some social clubs, know that you will meet somebody else who is better suited to you. Know that you are of course going to be okay.
It’s natural to feel down when a relationship ends but in time you’ll probably see that it’s for the best. Even if you don’t feel that, you’ll feel better about the situation in general.
Massive hugs OP. You are gonna be fine, just hang on in there and keep on truckin.

roper1664

confused2019 wrote: »

I still don't understand why she said she hoped we be friends and then blocked me on Facebook, not just unfriended but blocked. I have her number so its not to stop me contacting her as I can still do that if I wanted to but obviously won't. I rarely even use facebook so what she's trying to achieve by that aside from hurting me I've no idea as it seems completely contradictory.

I'd say it's to remove any reminder of you. She's finished it and she's probably feeling some guilt, since it ended on "good terms". She's not doing it to hurt you, she's doing it to cut that tie. Admittedly though blocking a person on FB is something you'd also do to hurt someone. That's why it's giving this you this confusing signal.

roper1664

confused2019 wrote: »

Even though I hardly even use facebook it feels like an absolute kick in the b*lls though. Completely unnecessary.

Yes, she's not looking at it from your point of view though. My ex posted on WhatsApp a big happy pic of her on a night out wearing distinguishable earrings I'd bought her, a few weeks after she broke it off. So I texted her thinking it might have been a signal. It wasn't. Then I deleted all contact means. You're going to be looking for clues and signals everywhere. I know I did. Best thing to do is delete/remove all contact means, pictures and reminders. Hide her number on a piece of paper somewhere, if you must. If she decides to contact you she will. The ball is in her court.

All of the best OP. It's shiit. Take your time, and then, when you're ready, do with your life what you want with your new found freedom. I'm almost at that stage.

Porklife

confused2019 wrote: »

thanks for that, I definitely wouldn't be looking for signals as I have very little time for Facebook anyways that's why it was completely unnecessary.

If it's gonna eat you up then you could always text her and ask her why she did it but then if she doesn't reply you'll feel even worse.
At the end of the day it doesn't really matter why she did it. She is no longer a part of your life and as much as that hurts the sooner you accept it the easier this will be.

Idle Passerby

confused2019 wrote: »

thanks for that, I definitely wouldn't be looking for signals as I have very little time for Facebook anyways that's why it was completely unnecessary.

More than likely she removed you so she wasn't tempted to snoop. It's a sensible thing to do if there's a temptation there to keep checking up.

She said she wanted to stay friends, I doubt that means she wants to hang out and have the chats every week. It is more likely to mean she doesn't want to be enemies, she wants the two of you to be civil if you run into each other, nothing more.

confused2019

Idle Passerby wrote: »

More than likely she removed you so she wasn't tempted to snoop. It's a sensible thing to do if there's a temptation there to keep checking up.

She said she wanted to stay friends, I doubt that means she wants to hang out and have the chats every week. It is more likely to mean she doesn't want to be enemies, she wants the two of you to be civil if you run into each other, nothing more.

Yeah I guess that's the height of it.

PHG

Hi OP,

The first few weeks and likely months will not be great. Everyone says to keep busy to take your mind of it, but even when I was busy my mind was still on the ex. It was f**king horrible. You feel like you met someone and never had to look again, what will I do now, will I ever meet someone, why would anybody want to be with me etc. It is all catastrophic thinking, some of it is needed and some not.

Not snooping is the toughest thing. I am 9 months broken up now and I can say I have had one of the worst, but also one ofthe best years of my life!! Try and book a holiday away with a group of strangers (plenty of companies out there) and I promise you are not weird if you go on holiday on your own!! Look after you as a priority and your positives!!!

It will pass, I promise but the emotional and mental anguish has to see out its course. There is no time limit (I tried so many times thinking "next month I will be fine") so don't put pressure on yourself if you are not as far down the road in a weeks/months time as you wish.

Eventually you will look back and know it was not the right person or the right person at the wrong time and someone else will come along when you least expect it who is the person the then. I have gone on dates and it was tough. I am a confident guy in the real world but was awful when it came to women. It took me months to be able to go on a date and tbh the initial ones were awkward fillers.

Thankfully, now that has changed and going on a 6th date tonight with a woman who I never imagined getting near and is a lot more suited to me. It may or may not work but eventually you will get there. Never settle for an ok partenr, too many people do !!!

wylo

FWIW if I broke up with someone, no matter how strongly I felt I would probably want to cut the FB contact, etc.


Only thing is I would tell the person and explain why and not to take it to mean anything other than its my way of processing it. Its not healthy for someone to be in your face/timeline after you've broken up.


Anyway that aside, no matter what anyone did to cause the end of the relationship it sounds like whats done is done. There will be alot of pain for a while, and try your best to accept that but eventually life will start to look a little better and better, day by day.


A break up is a traumatic event imo and should be respected as so.


Best of luck!

IHeartShoes

confused2019 wrote: »

I still don't understand why she said she hoped we be friends and then blocked me on Facebook, not just unfriended but blocked. I have her number so its not to stop me contacting her as I can still do that if I wanted to but obviously won't. I rarely even use facebook so what she's trying to achieve by that aside from hurting me I've no idea as it seems completely contradictory.

Hey Op - just wanted to say I feel your pain. Same happened to me. Similar age. It sucks big time. The advice on here is spot on. Take it a day at a time. Just power through and don’t be hard on yourself with timescales or how you feel you should be doing. I found self help books great!

Main reason for posting is the FB blocking thing. I know it’s a punch to the gut and seems extreme and so unnecessary. Don’t take it personally. It’s not. Your usage might change now that you’ve split up. You know enough already to know you’re blocked. She might be doing it to prevent herself from creeping on you. You might move on quicker than you or she anticipates and she won’t want to see that either. If she knows how upset you are, she won’t want to compound that by you seeing her moving on or simply being out socially. Seeing her out appearing to ‘live it up’ while you’re at home upset would seem unkind. And unfriending isn’t sufficient sometimes. If you have mutual friends, or you’re friends with her family members, then you might see something she’s tagged in that you would find upsetting and vice versa. I was regularly seeing stuff on my feed about my ex that his family, quite reasonably, tagged him in. I didn’t want to appear rude initially by unfriending them all but I had to eventually as it just became too painful. Better to rip the plaster off now rather than wait.

Above all OP, know it will be OK.

S

LegacyUser

Hey Op,

Things seem bad no I know how you're feeling, I went through a really difficult breakup a few years ago and found it very challenging in a number of ways. But they will get better I can assure you. It may take a while to get over the breakup but here are some things that helped me, hopefully they can help you too.

- Exercise, I see you said you cycle and play football. Thats great, maybe look into taking on a circuit class at a local gym or something similar. I did one of these, met some sound people through it and it made me much fitter and more confident about how I looked and felt.

- Spend time focusing on your work, or a hobby, or something you would genuinely love to do or learn. I went back to college to do a 2 year part time course in my job. It gave me a really good focus and allowed me to put my thoughts somewhere constructive. It could be a course in something totally random, you'd be surprised what funding and incentives are out there too - it doesnt need to cost a lot of money.

- Get back in touch with your friends. Even if they dont live locally to you, get in touch, meet up for a few drinks or a mountain hike. Your friends are there for you at times like this. Talk to them, tell them what you're going through, I can guarantee you most of them have been through the same experience and will relate to you when you open up.

- Oh and finally i got off facebook. It removed all temptation to search for my ex. It's a pile of sh1te anyway haha

Best of luck!

Sharp MZ700

Have you something or a hobby to be doing tomorrow? Throw on a jacket and go for a good long walk or something regardless of the weather.

Big Nasty

confused2019 wrote: »

Yeah I suppose I can but I'm too old and injured to be any good at it but will give it a go. I think too much when I cycle though

Bullsh1t!

I was a full time carer for my parents until they passed away a couple of years ago. Took up mountain biking and I'm still at it 2.5 years on. I'm out 2 - 3 times a week and while I'm never going to be a competition winner I'm constantly improving (fat fook in my forties).

On the whole thinking part this is actually a good thing. Sit at home and you'll be all depressed. Get out and about and you'll find yourself working stuff out in your head. You'll come home feeling better both physically and mentally. I guarantee it.

Go put that gear on now and take the bike out for four hours.

stop animal cruelty

confused2019 wrote: »

Even though I hardly even use facebook it feels like an absolute kick in the b*lls though. Completely unnecessary.

Tbh she's prob done u a favor in that every time u were to go on FB, u would checking her page and seeing pics of her.

U would start thinking oh look she's moving on with her life, looks so much happier etc.. . . Believe me it's prob best she's done it. U can't see that now, but it does help with moving on.

Out of sight out of mind.

(From experience)

banoffe2

Hi OP
What she did is a reflection on her own behaviour and not on you, try not to take it personally, you can and will get through this, it will take time, its all consuming at the moment.

Mongfinder General

Your ex girlfriend has dropped you and put in place measures to keep you out of her future, a la unfriending you on Facebook. If it was me, I’d completely ignore her from now on. She said that she wanted to be friends but she clearly doesn’t judging by her actions on fb. Block her phone number and don’t contact her again. Start focusing on yourself, hit the gym, work overtime if you can, go visit friends overseas if you can. Keep active and you’ll find yourself with plenty to occupy your mind. Think about how lucky you are. You could have been married with kids and a mortgage and she’d have left you on your backside. You’re a free man now with options.

Idle Passerby

confused2019 wrote: »

TBF I'm never on Facebook but why not just unfriend me, blocking is completely over the top and a really crap thing to do to somebody else

She has done it for her own peace of mind and there's no harm in that. I wouldn't take it as such a personal dig. If you care so little about Facebook, it hardly makes a difference whether she unfriended you of blocked you. It's a redundant form of contact anyway. Don't dwell on an irrelevance.

confused2019

Mongfinder General wrote: »

Your ex girlfriend has dropped you and put in place measures to keep you out of her future, a la unfriending you on Facebook. If it was me, I’d completely ignore her from now on. She said that she wanted to be friends but she clearly doesn’t judging by her actions on fb. Block her phone number and don’t contact her again. Start focusing on yourself, hit the gym, work overtime if you can, go visit friends overseas if you can. Keep active and you’ll find yourself with plenty to occupy your mind. Think about how lucky you are. You could have been married with kids and a mortgage and she’d have left you on your backside. You’re a free man now with options.

Just to clarify she diidnt just unfriend me but blocked me.. A real F U after our time together

Telly

confused2019 wrote: »

Just to clarify she diidnt just unfriend me but blocked me.. A real F U after our time together

So what? For someone who doesn’t use Facebook you’re making a very big deal out of this. It’s done, move on.

Sittingpretty

confused2019 wrote: »

Just to clarify she diidnt just unfriend me but blocked me.. A real F U after our time together

You seem to be more concerned about her blocking you in FB than about the actual break up. You sai she had valid reasons for ending your relationship and she probably has valid reasons for blocking you also.

You’ve gotten some very good advice here, it’s a lousy thing to have happened but if her reasons were valid then I suppose you have to assume some responsibility, accept her decision and move on if you think it’s final and there is no hope of reconciliation..

It’s very fresh and for now there is no “where now” only looking after yourself as best you can and learning to cope without your relationship until day by day it gets easier.

Telly

confused2019 wrote: »

Because it's a really unnecessary sh*ty thing to do to someone especially after all our time together, ending on good terms and wanting to stay friends. I shared more with this person than I ever did and this is what happens at the end. How could you ever trust anybody again after that.

Stop being so dramatic. You’re sounding like a 14yr old girl. It’s Facebook. She can do what she likes with her Facebook. You need to get over it.

RossieMan

It's Facebook, it's not a big deal.

See it from her point of view, she doesn't want that reminder of you and wants to move on. She's obviously finding it tough too.

It's not meant to hurt you, it's a way for her to process this.

If you're getting this disgruntled over Facebook blocking, you need to take a step back and look how to react to situations. This really isn't important. You're taking the wrong information and over analysing it. It won't do you any good.

See it from her perspective.

joe40

I don't know your situation, so I'm not in a position to give advice, but the "staying friends" after a break up never happens.
People may make an effort to be civil and cooperative if kids are involved, but friends... No.
Easy to say but you have move on, the ****ty thing about FB just means there is no getting back together.

Telly

confused2019 wrote: »

I don't think you get it so can you please stop replying as your not helping at all

I’m sorry but I don’t think you get it. You give little info about what’s gone on and only tell us you’re blocked from Facebook so when people address the info you have given us you get all pissy cause you don’t like the replies.

Sittingpretty

confused2019 wrote: »

I don't actually want hi talk about the break up or reasons, as its still way too raw and I'm absolutely depressed over it. My original post was about where I go now mostly and just mentioning being blocked its just really confusing. I never did anything to justify being blocked so please stop with the insinuations as I'm being completely honest.

I didn’t ask you to go into any detail that’s your own business and hers, not mine.

The gist of my reply was it shouldn’t be your focus. And it appears as though it is as you’ve mentioned it in every single post.

Honestly breakups are very very hard and you’re right it is very fresh and very upsetting. I was merely suggesting you attempt to take on board all the great advice you gotten here, look after yourself and don’t fixate on the Facebook blocking because in the scheme of a relationship ending it’s not at all important

RossieMan

Op some advice, get off the internet. It's not helping you. You aren't listening. You aren't reading the advice given. You keep going back to the same thing from your point of view. It's not about you. The blocking is for her piece of mind. It's nothing to do with you.

Get off the internet. Go and watch the rugby. Watch the football. Go for a walk. Do anything else. Stop this obsession with Facebook blocking meaning something more than it is.

If you aren't going to listen to any advice given here, people aren't going to be sympathetic to you as it borders on attention seeking after a while.

Telly

How long with you with her, OP?

confused2019

Telly wrote: »

How long with you with her, OP?

A year.

Telly

confused2019 wrote: »

A year.

I know it doesn’t seem like it now but in a few weeks from now you’ll feel a little bit better and in a month a lot better. Just try keep busy, reconnect with friends and family and the time will fly in.