Husband cheating with fetish/dating sites

SB1987

I'm really hoping this will help me get a better understanding of what's going on in my head!

So me and my husband are married 4 years. We are both in our early 30's.

For the last few years we have been falling apart from each other for reasons such we both don't feel like priorities to each other for our own reasons, he doesn't seem to be able to save money, his libido is higher than mine and complains and goes cold towards me when he doesn't get anything, amongst others!
We have been going to counselling for the last year, but I don't feel it has changed anything between us other than make me none responsive towards issues and just say nothing to him because he'll not want to talk and get annoyed and the atmosphere becomes negative.

Anyways...

A few months ago I discovered he had signed up to fetish/dating sites where he has been interacting with women.
As far as I am aware he hasn't met with any. But he has talked through social media such as snapchat, whatsapp outside of the sites.

I haven't said anything as part of me is intrigued to see how far and how long this goes on.

I have also just gone through major surgery and so cannot physically look after myself or move out there and then if it came to it.

It eats me up inside that he has been interacting with other women and telling them he'd f**k them while going through the counselling to try and help us as a couple, and whilst I've been going through surgery.

We have no children together (he has a daughter from another relationship) or a mortgage.

What should I do?!?!?!? Please help advise!

jimmycrackcorm

SB1987 wrote: »

As far as I am aware he hasn't met with any. But he has talked through social media such as snapchat, whatsapp outside of the sites.

I haven't said anything as part of me is intrigued to see how far and how long this goes on..

It eats me up inside that he has been interacting with other women and telling them he'd f**k them while going through the counselling to try and help us as a couple, and whilst I've been going through surgery.

We have no children together (he has a daughter from another relationship) or a mortgage.

What should I do?!?!?!? Please help advise!

I can tell you from experience that there's only one outcome from his actions and that is he still eventually end up with someone else.

Your also seemingly suggesting that there is no ties to hold you birth together. What's stopping you ending it?

MartyMcFly84

I understand you are hurt, and are going through a difficult time.

People do have sexual needs and desires, some more than others. If there has been an extended period of time where you guys were not sexually compatible prior to the surgery. The surgery and recovery you are going through is probably compounding it.

I am not saying what he is doing is right. But he is obviously seeking sexual gratification through fantasy and virtual means to make up for what he is missing in his real life.

Things like his lack of control with money, can seem juvenile and is something many women would not find attractive.

Probably the best thing to do is to talk about the situation with him as rationally as possible and discuss what you both would like out of your relationship to see if you are on the same page, and if it is workable for you both.

LaLa2004

MartyMcFly84 wrote: »

People do have sexual needs and desires, some more than others. If there has been an extended period of time where you guys were not sexually compatible prior to the surgery. The surgery and recovery you are going through is probably compounding it.

I am not saying what he is doing is right. But he is obviously seeking sexual gratification through fantasy and virtual means to make up for what he is missing in his real life.

Dear OP, your needs are important too. You may want a warm, caring relationship. It looks like this man will never change. Going to counseling and seeking the company of other women are just not compatible.

You may need to be brave and put plans in place for a happy future. The choice is yours.

SB1987

@jimmycrackcorm

You are right, we have no children (other than his daughter from another relationship) or house. The only issue is I'm paying for a joint car with him as the named driver and me as named as insurance was cheaper.

Honestly I don't know why! I guess I'm scared of what comes next! Especially now being in recovery from surgery I can't drive, I can't lift anything. So I'm stuck.

SB1987

@MartyMcFly84

One of the main issues from his side of why we are going to counselling is that he feels he is being denied sex over and over. However no matter how much I try and talk to him about how can I feel attracted and want to be sexually intimate with someone who when I say no at a time for whatever the reason he goes cold and distant and doesn't come near me for any affection what so ever. Therefore making me feel like that's all I'm worth!

That on top of everything else doesn't make for an attractive mentality towards someone.

We have been in counselling for a year and this issue is still there, and now worse due to what he's been doing!

MartyMcFly84

One of the main issues from his side of why we are going to counselling is that he feels he is being denied sex over and over. However no matter how much I try and talk to him about how can I feel attracted and want to be sexually intimate with someone who when I say no at a time for whatever the reason he goes cold and distant and doesn't come near me for any affection what so ever. Therefore making me feel like that's all I'm worth!

That on top of everything else doesn't make for an attractive mentality towards someone.

We have been in counselling for a year and this issue is still there, and now worse due to what he's been doing!

If you have discussed this with him and he has not changed his behaviour or tried to work with you improving his attractiveness to you then it could be he is not willing to make changes himself and only focuses on his wants. Either way it does sound like a relationship with communication difficulties. Do you really want to stay with him?

SB1987

@LaLa2004

That has been in my head and once got into such a huge argument I told him I'd had enough. This was before counselling.

He asked to try for us not to break up and he would go to counselling etc. Saying he would work on himself and what I was saying, that he didn't realise how much it was affecting me!

I'm just stuck as there are days when he show affection and does nice things, then there are times when we try and have a conversation about something adult and he keeps coming back to how he's the last on everyones list and gets walked over, how everyone expects everything from him but no one thinks about him! Basically playing the poor me victim card! It's so fraustrating!

zapper55

A year is a long time to be in couples counselling without progress, never mind for things to get worse with this.

Sounds like he is very insecure if he sulks when you dont want to have sex tho I wouldnt say the rejection is easy either. Its horrible that hes on those websites but even without them do you really see a solution to your problem with such mismatched libidos (albeit maybe for medical reasons)?

SB1987

MartyMcFly84 wrote: »

If you have discussed this with him and he has not changed his behaviour or tried to work with you improving his attractiveness to you then it could be he is not willing to make changes himself and only focuses on his wants. Either way it does sound like a relationship with communication difficulties. Do you really want to stay with him?

Communication is a HUGE issue in our relationship! Even the counselor has said this.

The problem is I am a talker and will want to discuss things and talk them out to get a resolve. He is not.
Any time I try and talk about something as a couple he either doesn't contribute and sits there and says 'Doesn't matter what I say', or he'll get pissed off and say he's always the one having to come last in any decisions like hes a victim!

I'm struggling as to why I'm still with him. More and more of me wants to leave.

Thelonious Monk

What is in it for you at this stage? Couples really should have to have some kind of psychological evaluation before marrying.

SB1987

zapper55 wrote: »

A year is a long time to be in couples counselling without progress, never mind for things to get worse with this.

Sounds like he is very insecure if he sulks when you dont want to have sex tho I wouldnt say the rejection is easy either. Its horrible that hes on those websites but even without them do you really see a solution to your problem with such mismatched libidos (albeit maybe for medical reasons)?

I can understand that he can see it as a rejection. However when you say no and you're given coldness and he comes nowhere near me because "he can't be near me at all when he's feeling that way because he finds it hard to keep those feelings of being intimate back".

Between the feeling of being made like sex is all he's wanting with his actions above, along with no indication of actively progressing as a couple ie. so savings, not coming to see me at my parents while recovering because his daughter from another relationship has a horse riding lesson....well it makes me feel like I mean nothing to him and our relationship.

SB1987

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

What is in it for you at this stage? Couples really should have to have some kind of psychological evaluation before marrying.

At this stage I'm unsure.

We went to the priest as everyone does and went through the premarital course with him. In hindsight it was just a yes/no questionnaire the priest filled in, there were no discussions about money, kids, etc. Which now looking back if we had in depth we probably wouldn't have gotten married when we did, or ever! As issues have come up since that we can't discuss rationally.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

This sounds like a largely miserable existence, for both of you. There are a lot of people in marriages like that wanting to leave but feeling trapped because of mortgages, children, other complexities.

I'm sure after 4 years of marriage your lives are intertwined to some degree but honestly there are people who'd kill to be in your position, your surgery notwithstanding you can make a pretty uncomplicated exit.

You've tried, things have gotten worse, the things you're saying are keeping you there are that he's sometimes affectionate, and you need his physical assistance right now. That is BLEAK.

Take care with your recovery, start thinking about where you want to go, and how to manage this with the minimum disruption and distress to the both of you and his daughter.

never_mind

OP, one thing that stands out is how you don't seem to be engaging with the elephant in the room; your mismatched libidos. I am not trying to give allowances to anyone who has, or has thought about, cheating. Do you not have parents that can look after you for the next couple of weeks? I think finding some space to objectively look at this might be important. Is it the end of the relationship? Possibly. Is it something that can be reconciled? Possibly. If your OH is into fetish and you aren't you have two options: leave them or join them.

SB1987

never_mind wrote: »

OP, one thing that stands out is how you don't seem to be engaging with the elephant in the room; your mismatched libidos. I am not trying to give allowances to anyone who has, or has thought about, cheating. Do you not have parents that can look after you for the next couple of weeks? I think finding some space to objectively look at this might be important. Is it the end of the relationship? Possibly. Is it something that can be reconciled? Possibly. If your OH is into fetish and you aren't you have two options: leave them or join them.

Addressing our libidos, we were well matched at the start of our relationship.

Over time it has changed.

For me it was the inability to show none sexual physical contact, coldness when he didn't get sex, and no sign of showing he wanted a future through actively looking for ways to save, get a better job, anything involving having a family.

Everything is in the moment with no care for the potential future.

It makes me wonder if I'm just there because I'm the comfort blanket of in case he needs company or extra money to pay something because he doesn't have it.

MartyMcFly84

A relationship should be beneficial in some way for both partners. Your lives together are supposed to be better together than if you were apart.

If you are struggling to see anything in this relationship for you. Then as others have mentioned it is probably time to start ending the relationship.

You are both still young and have time. By the sounds of it your relationship has changed and you are not compatible anymore.

What I am about to say is in no way justifying his behaviour. Personally I would use masturbation and porn in his situation and not resort to interacting with women in real life as that is cheating IMO - but maybe it can help you see things from his perspective.

One of the main issues from his side of why we are going to counselling is that he feels he is being denied sex over and over. However no matter how much I try and talk to him about how can I feel attracted and want to be sexually intimate with someone who when I say no at a time for whatever the reason he goes cold and distant and doesn't come near me for any affection what so ever. Therefore making me feel like that's all I'm worth!

Does he ever say no to you about anything? How would you feel if you got a babysitter and suggested a romantic evening and he just said "no"? That's how he feels when you reject him for sex. You are telling him loud and clear you don't find him attractive. Doesn't matter what you say to him, this is what he thinks. An occasional time is fine but when it's 50/50 or greater chance of being rejected then it's a real problem.

Communication is a HUGE issue in our relationship! Even the counselor has said this.

The problem is I am a talker and will want to discuss things and talk them out to get a resolve. He is not.
Any time I try and talk about something as a couple he either doesn't contribute and sits there and says 'Doesn't matter what I say', or he'll get pissed off and say he's always the one having to come last in any decisions like hes a victim!

My wife is like this, for her it involves talking and talking and talking and me still considering the implications of the first sentence she uttered when meanwhile she is 5 paragraphs further, none of which I heard because I'm thinking about the first sentence. Then I say something which seems completely inappropriate and she gets mad at me while actually I was replying to the first thing she said.

I actually now say "STOP" and then give her a reply when I'm ready. Works much better. My brain works slowly that way. Hers doesn't. Now at least we can have a proper conversation where I get to reply to her with my thoughts. All of the above involved me growing some balls and standing up for myself. Not going off chatting to random women on a fetish site.

ILoveYourVibes

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

I can tell you from experience that there's only one outcome from his actions and that is he still eventually end up with someone else.

Your also seemingly suggesting that there is no ties to hold you birth together. What's stopping you ending it?

Actually its more likely he will just end up sleeping with other women and stay married.

Fetish sites are something i have experience of (im on one). There are lots of married men on there. Some tell their wives some don't. ( i don't mess with married men whether they have told their wives or not).

Women on fetish sites aren't just looking for a relationship.

The elephant in the room isn't mismatched libidos. Its lack of emotional honesty.

Ask yourself....why is he with you?

Why didn't he talk about everything?

He isn't entitled to sex.

If you don't have a connection/affection without sex ....well you are just strangers who ****.

He wasn't honest enough or brave enough to tell you he wanted to go elsewhere for sex and to me that smacks of cowardice and immaturity.

There are men who are honest with their wives about what they do.

ILoveYourVibes

Deleted User wrote: »

You are telling him loud and clear you don't find him attractive. Doesn't matter what you say to him, this is what he thinks..

He isn't attractive. Best he knows he isn't attractive in the relationship. Then he can alter what he is doing so he can be more attractive emotionally.

What he is doing is really really unattractive. who wants to sleep with that?

Attraction for women is emotional not just physical.

He is being a real turn off.

ILoveYourVibes

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

He isn't attractive. Best he knows he isn't attractive in the relationship. Then he can alter what he is doing so he can be more attractive emotionally.

What he is doing is really really unattractive. who wants to sleep with that?

Attraction for women is emotional not just physical.

He is being a real turn off.

Then the OP should say this to him. Men aren't mind readers. So many women complain about communication but yet they are silent about things like this when it really matters. If he won't change then leave. Both parties will be happier.

punisher5112

Are you clinging on as you have a car together????

Eh seriously move on get out of thAt. Non existent relationship.

ILoveYourVibes

Deleted User wrote: »

Then the OP should say this to him. Men aren't mind readers. So many women complain about communication but yet they are silent about things like this when it really matters. If he won't change then leave. Both parties will be happier.

This.

tara73

Deleted User wrote: »

Then the OP should say this to him. Men aren't mind readers. So many women complain about communication but yet they are silent about things like this when it really matters. If he won't change then leave. Both parties will be happier.

from the OP we don't know if she's telling him reasons for not wanting sex or not, could be she's telling him and he's going into his non talking for 2 days anyway which is never a solution and absolutely immature anyway. going on a fetish site and looking for other women is excused also, because she's supposedly not telling him? Ridiculous.

I'm sick of your degrading, generalisational comments towards women showing up in almsot every of your posts. Obviously you are using this forum as a ventil to let out your frustration with your own problematic relationship. I't's not wanted here, people opening a thread here seeking help don't need it, get help for yourself !

SB1987

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Actually its more likely he will just end up sleeping with other women and stay married.

Fetish sites are something i have experience of (im on one). There are lots of married men on there. Some tell their wives some don't. ( i don't mess with married men whether they have told their wives or not).

Women on fetish sites aren't just looking for a relationship.

The elephant in the room isn't mismatched libidos. Its lack of emotional honesty.

Ask yourself....why is he with you?

Why didn't he talk about everything?

He isn't entitled to sex.

If you don't have a connection/affection without sex ....well you are just strangers who ****.

He wasn't honest enough or brave enough to tell you he wanted to go elsewhere for sex and to me that smacks of cowardice and immaturity.

There are men who are honest with their wives about what they do.

I can understand men have needs. If they want to watch porn and help themselves then go for it! He has done this in the past that I have made him aware of I know he's doing it. At the time I didn't care as it meant he wasn't coming after it from me.

SB1987

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

He isn't attractive. Best he knows he isn't attractive in the relationship. Then he can alter what he is doing so he can be more attractive emotionally.

What he is doing is really really unattractive. who wants to sleep with that?

Attraction for women is emotional not just physical.

He is being a real turn off.

Exactly!

SB1987

tara73 wrote: »

from the OP we don't know if she's telling him reasons for not wanting sex or not, could be she's telling him and he's going into his non talking for 2 days anyway which is never a solution and absolutely immature anyway. going on a fetish site and looking for other women is excused also, because she's supposedly not telling him? Ridiculous.

I tried explaining to him that in order for me to feel the want to be with him sexually I need the emotional connection.
Then we went to counselling and I said the same there. The counselor gets it and has said many times in response to something he says that I am "looking for him to make effort with the emotional side of the relationship as that is what I need".
On top of the emotional there's the feeling that I'm the only one doing the house work etc, so he's not contributing. Even with money. There have been occasions where he has come to me asking to cover the whole rent because he doesn't have it! Where the f**k does it go! And before people think it's gambling, it's not.
He's not showing any care for wanting to try and nest egg for the future to come!

All the above doesn't make for an attractive partner. There is no feeling of love or security! Which is so hard because deep down all be it he's a broken man, he is a good man. Which is why it's so hard.

And on top of it all instead of talking and working things out he goes on sites to other women!

Sleepy

SB1987 wrote: »

Addressing our libidos, we were well matched at the start of our relationship.

Over time it has changed.

Has he changed? You don't mention any of his behaviour as being new. If he was always careless with money etc, then looking at this from his perspective it sounds like he'd be justified in feeling that you married him with the intention of moulding him into a different person and are now punishing him for not going along with your plans for him by withholding sex.

SB1987

Sleepy wrote: »

Has he changed? You don't mention any of his behaviour as being new. If he was always careless with money etc, then looking at this from his perspective it sounds like he'd be justified in feeling that you married him with the intention of moulding him into a different person and are now punishing him for not going along with your plans for him by withholding sex.

Before we got married we had the usual chats about the future and we wanted to do the married, house then kids thing. It goes without saying that as adults with a future together it would involve effort such as saving and making each other happy.
I'll add that he puts in 200% effort towards his involvement into other things in his life, but as soon as I say anything about improving things for us he gets defensive and thinks I'm blaming him for everything not going the way it should! When all I'm saying is we need to sit down and figure things out right now.

Whilst we have had set backs that have knocked us both thinking "why is the world against us!" I bounce back after that initial moment of "f**k the world", but he takes it like "why the hell do I bother trying" and doesn't.

LuciX

SB1987 wrote: »

I can understand men have needs. If they want to watch to watch porn... He has done this in the past that I have made him aware of I know he's doing it.

Ah, here. WTF did I just read? 😠

Mammy know what you doing little boy...
How dare you!
This man has the patience of a Saint or is desperate to nest.

You are moaning about money and not having joint savings. I hope you have a big back up plan of your own little Ms. Perfect.

His lack financial stability might simply be due to the fact he can't afford to save up and chose to enjoy life instead. Do you have any idea how much a child cost? No! And you can't tell until you have your own. He has a family = a child, and that should be his main priority.

It's highly unlikely he lived a furgal lifestyle before he met you and in the years leading up to the wedding. You were aware of his antics but married the man anyway.

He made a fidelity vow to you but you are refusing to fulfill your side of the agreement.
He didn't get married to find himself celibate in a few years due to your mood swings.

Imagine what the poor man life would be like after you have a child... Forget about sex completely.
A daily nag about money, housework, sleep deprivation etc. Every excuse under the sun not to give the man what he needs and if he dares to complain about a once a month action he would be made to feel like a freak with 0 emphaty because: I look after the house, the children, I don't get time to myself, me, me, me..

Do you know OP, there are plenty women who have children, work FT, look after the house and still find time to be good wives.

It's time to remove the poor wife mask and accept responsibility for your bad decisions.

As the saying goes: "some people create their own storms, then get upset when it rains".

who what when

SuperunknownX wrote: »

Ah, here. WTF did I just read? 😠

Mammy know what you doing little boy...
How dare you!
This man has the patience of a Saint or is desperate to nest.

You are moaning about money and not having joint savings. I hope you have a big back up plan of your own little Ms. Perfect.

His lack financial stability might simply be due to the fact he can't afford to save up and chose to enjoy life instead. Do you have any idea how much a child cost? No! And you can't tell until you have your own. He has a family = a child, and that should be his main priority.

It's highly unlikely he lived a furgal lifestyle before he met you and in the years leading up to the wedding. You were aware of his antics but married the man anyway.

He made a fidelity vow to you but you are refusing to fulfill your side of the agreement.
He didn't get married to find himself celibate in a few years due to your mood swings.

Imagine what the poor man life would be like after you have a child... Forget about sex completely.
A daily nag about money, housework, sleep deprivation etc. Every excuse under the sun not to give the man what he needs and if he dares to complain about a once a month action he would be made to feel like a freak with 0 emphaty because: I look after the house, the children, I don't get time to myself, me, me, me..

Do you know OP, there are plenty women who have children, work FT, look after the house and still find time to be good wives.

It's time to remove the poor wife mask and accept responsibility for your bad decisions.

As the saying goes: "some people create their own storms, then get upset when it rains".

Excellent post.