Husband cheating with fetish/dating sites

SB1987

I'm really hoping this will help me get a better understanding of what's going on in my head!

So me and my husband are married 4 years. We are both in our early 30's.

For the last few years we have been falling apart from each other for reasons such we both don't feel like priorities to each other for our own reasons, he doesn't seem to be able to save money, his libido is higher than mine and complains and goes cold towards me when he doesn't get anything, amongst others!
We have been going to counselling for the last year, but I don't feel it has changed anything between us other than make me none responsive towards issues and just say nothing to him because he'll not want to talk and get annoyed and the atmosphere becomes negative.

Anyways...

A few months ago I discovered he had signed up to fetish/dating sites where he has been interacting with women.
As far as I am aware he hasn't met with any. But he has talked through social media such as snapchat, whatsapp outside of the sites.

I haven't said anything as part of me is intrigued to see how far and how long this goes on.

I have also just gone through major surgery and so cannot physically look after myself or move out there and then if it came to it.

It eats me up inside that he has been interacting with other women and telling them he'd f**k them while going through the counselling to try and help us as a couple, and whilst I've been going through surgery.

We have no children together (he has a daughter from another relationship) or a mortgage.

What should I do?!?!?!? Please help advise!

jimmycrackcorm

SB1987 wrote: »

As far as I am aware he hasn't met with any. But he has talked through social media such as snapchat, whatsapp outside of the sites.

I haven't said anything as part of me is intrigued to see how far and how long this goes on..

It eats me up inside that he has been interacting with other women and telling them he'd f**k them while going through the counselling to try and help us as a couple, and whilst I've been going through surgery.

We have no children together (he has a daughter from another relationship) or a mortgage.

What should I do?!?!?!? Please help advise!

I can tell you from experience that there's only one outcome from his actions and that is he still eventually end up with someone else.

Your also seemingly suggesting that there is no ties to hold you birth together. What's stopping you ending it?

MartyMcFly84

I understand you are hurt, and are going through a difficult time.

People do have sexual needs and desires, some more than others. If there has been an extended period of time where you guys were not sexually compatible prior to the surgery. The surgery and recovery you are going through is probably compounding it.

I am not saying what he is doing is right. But he is obviously seeking sexual gratification through fantasy and virtual means to make up for what he is missing in his real life.

Things like his lack of control with money, can seem juvenile and is something many women would not find attractive.

Probably the best thing to do is to talk about the situation with him as rationally as possible and discuss what you both would like out of your relationship to see if you are on the same page, and if it is workable for you both.

LaLa2004

MartyMcFly84 wrote: »

People do have sexual needs and desires, some more than others. If there has been an extended period of time where you guys were not sexually compatible prior to the surgery. The surgery and recovery you are going through is probably compounding it.

I am not saying what he is doing is right. But he is obviously seeking sexual gratification through fantasy and virtual means to make up for what he is missing in his real life.

Dear OP, your needs are important too. You may want a warm, caring relationship. It looks like this man will never change. Going to counseling and seeking the company of other women are just not compatible.

You may need to be brave and put plans in place for a happy future. The choice is yours.

SB1987

@jimmycrackcorm

You are right, we have no children (other than his daughter from another relationship) or house. The only issue is I'm paying for a joint car with him as the named driver and me as named as insurance was cheaper.

Honestly I don't know why! I guess I'm scared of what comes next! Especially now being in recovery from surgery I can't drive, I can't lift anything. So I'm stuck.

SB1987

@MartyMcFly84

One of the main issues from his side of why we are going to counselling is that he feels he is being denied sex over and over. However no matter how much I try and talk to him about how can I feel attracted and want to be sexually intimate with someone who when I say no at a time for whatever the reason he goes cold and distant and doesn't come near me for any affection what so ever. Therefore making me feel like that's all I'm worth!

That on top of everything else doesn't make for an attractive mentality towards someone.

We have been in counselling for a year and this issue is still there, and now worse due to what he's been doing!

MartyMcFly84

One of the main issues from his side of why we are going to counselling is that he feels he is being denied sex over and over. However no matter how much I try and talk to him about how can I feel attracted and want to be sexually intimate with someone who when I say no at a time for whatever the reason he goes cold and distant and doesn't come near me for any affection what so ever. Therefore making me feel like that's all I'm worth!

That on top of everything else doesn't make for an attractive mentality towards someone.

We have been in counselling for a year and this issue is still there, and now worse due to what he's been doing!

If you have discussed this with him and he has not changed his behaviour or tried to work with you improving his attractiveness to you then it could be he is not willing to make changes himself and only focuses on his wants. Either way it does sound like a relationship with communication difficulties. Do you really want to stay with him?

SB1987

@LaLa2004

That has been in my head and once got into such a huge argument I told him I'd had enough. This was before counselling.

He asked to try for us not to break up and he would go to counselling etc. Saying he would work on himself and what I was saying, that he didn't realise how much it was affecting me!

I'm just stuck as there are days when he show affection and does nice things, then there are times when we try and have a conversation about something adult and he keeps coming back to how he's the last on everyones list and gets walked over, how everyone expects everything from him but no one thinks about him! Basically playing the poor me victim card! It's so fraustrating!

zapper55

A year is a long time to be in couples counselling without progress, never mind for things to get worse with this.

Sounds like he is very insecure if he sulks when you dont want to have sex tho I wouldnt say the rejection is easy either. Its horrible that hes on those websites but even without them do you really see a solution to your problem with such mismatched libidos (albeit maybe for medical reasons)?

SB1987

MartyMcFly84 wrote: »

If you have discussed this with him and he has not changed his behaviour or tried to work with you improving his attractiveness to you then it could be he is not willing to make changes himself and only focuses on his wants. Either way it does sound like a relationship with communication difficulties. Do you really want to stay with him?

Communication is a HUGE issue in our relationship! Even the counselor has said this.

The problem is I am a talker and will want to discuss things and talk them out to get a resolve. He is not.
Any time I try and talk about something as a couple he either doesn't contribute and sits there and says 'Doesn't matter what I say', or he'll get pissed off and say he's always the one having to come last in any decisions like hes a victim!

I'm struggling as to why I'm still with him. More and more of me wants to leave.

Thelonious Monk

What is in it for you at this stage? Couples really should have to have some kind of psychological evaluation before marrying.

SB1987

zapper55 wrote: »

A year is a long time to be in couples counselling without progress, never mind for things to get worse with this.

Sounds like he is very insecure if he sulks when you dont want to have sex tho I wouldnt say the rejection is easy either. Its horrible that hes on those websites but even without them do you really see a solution to your problem with such mismatched libidos (albeit maybe for medical reasons)?

I can understand that he can see it as a rejection. However when you say no and you're given coldness and he comes nowhere near me because "he can't be near me at all when he's feeling that way because he finds it hard to keep those feelings of being intimate back".

Between the feeling of being made like sex is all he's wanting with his actions above, along with no indication of actively progressing as a couple ie. so savings, not coming to see me at my parents while recovering because his daughter from another relationship has a horse riding lesson....well it makes me feel like I mean nothing to him and our relationship.

SB1987

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

What is in it for you at this stage? Couples really should have to have some kind of psychological evaluation before marrying.

At this stage I'm unsure.

We went to the priest as everyone does and went through the premarital course with him. In hindsight it was just a yes/no questionnaire the priest filled in, there were no discussions about money, kids, etc. Which now looking back if we had in depth we probably wouldn't have gotten married when we did, or ever! As issues have come up since that we can't discuss rationally.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

This sounds like a largely miserable existence, for both of you. There are a lot of people in marriages like that wanting to leave but feeling trapped because of mortgages, children, other complexities.

I'm sure after 4 years of marriage your lives are intertwined to some degree but honestly there are people who'd kill to be in your position, your surgery notwithstanding you can make a pretty uncomplicated exit.

You've tried, things have gotten worse, the things you're saying are keeping you there are that he's sometimes affectionate, and you need his physical assistance right now. That is BLEAK.

Take care with your recovery, start thinking about where you want to go, and how to manage this with the minimum disruption and distress to the both of you and his daughter.

never_mind

OP, one thing that stands out is how you don't seem to be engaging with the elephant in the room; your mismatched libidos. I am not trying to give allowances to anyone who has, or has thought about, cheating. Do you not have parents that can look after you for the next couple of weeks? I think finding some space to objectively look at this might be important. Is it the end of the relationship? Possibly. Is it something that can be reconciled? Possibly. If your OH is into fetish and you aren't you have two options: leave them or join them.

SB1987

never_mind wrote: »

OP, one thing that stands out is how you don't seem to be engaging with the elephant in the room; your mismatched libidos. I am not trying to give allowances to anyone who has, or has thought about, cheating. Do you not have parents that can look after you for the next couple of weeks? I think finding some space to objectively look at this might be important. Is it the end of the relationship? Possibly. Is it something that can be reconciled? Possibly. If your OH is into fetish and you aren't you have two options: leave them or join them.

Addressing our libidos, we were well matched at the start of our relationship.

Over time it has changed.

For me it was the inability to show none sexual physical contact, coldness when he didn't get sex, and no sign of showing he wanted a future through actively looking for ways to save, get a better job, anything involving having a family.

Everything is in the moment with no care for the potential future.

It makes me wonder if I'm just there because I'm the comfort blanket of in case he needs company or extra money to pay something because he doesn't have it.

MartyMcFly84

A relationship should be beneficial in some way for both partners. Your lives together are supposed to be better together than if you were apart.

If you are struggling to see anything in this relationship for you. Then as others have mentioned it is probably time to start ending the relationship.

You are both still young and have time. By the sounds of it your relationship has changed and you are not compatible anymore.

What I am about to say is in no way justifying his behaviour. Personally I would use masturbation and porn in his situation and not resort to interacting with women in real life as that is cheating IMO - but maybe it can help you see things from his perspective.

One of the main issues from his side of why we are going to counselling is that he feels he is being denied sex over and over. However no matter how much I try and talk to him about how can I feel attracted and want to be sexually intimate with someone who when I say no at a time for whatever the reason he goes cold and distant and doesn't come near me for any affection what so ever. Therefore making me feel like that's all I'm worth!

Does he ever say no to you about anything? How would you feel if you got a babysitter and suggested a romantic evening and he just said "no"? That's how he feels when you reject him for sex. You are telling him loud and clear you don't find him attractive. Doesn't matter what you say to him, this is what he thinks. An occasional time is fine but when it's 50/50 or greater chance of being rejected then it's a real problem.

Communication is a HUGE issue in our relationship! Even the counselor has said this.

The problem is I am a talker and will want to discuss things and talk them out to get a resolve. He is not.
Any time I try and talk about something as a couple he either doesn't contribute and sits there and says 'Doesn't matter what I say', or he'll get pissed off and say he's always the one having to come last in any decisions like hes a victim!

My wife is like this, for her it involves talking and talking and talking and me still considering the implications of the first sentence she uttered when meanwhile she is 5 paragraphs further, none of which I heard because I'm thinking about the first sentence. Then I say something which seems completely inappropriate and she gets mad at me while actually I was replying to the first thing she said.

I actually now say "STOP" and then give her a reply when I'm ready. Works much better. My brain works slowly that way. Hers doesn't. Now at least we can have a proper conversation where I get to reply to her with my thoughts. All of the above involved me growing some balls and standing up for myself. Not going off chatting to random women on a fetish site.

ILoveYourVibes

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

I can tell you from experience that there's only one outcome from his actions and that is he still eventually end up with someone else.

Your also seemingly suggesting that there is no ties to hold you birth together. What's stopping you ending it?

Actually its more likely he will just end up sleeping with other women and stay married.

Fetish sites are something i have experience of (im on one). There are lots of married men on there. Some tell their wives some don't. ( i don't mess with married men whether they have told their wives or not).

Women on fetish sites aren't just looking for a relationship.

The elephant in the room isn't mismatched libidos. Its lack of emotional honesty.

Ask yourself....why is he with you?

Why didn't he talk about everything?

He isn't entitled to sex.

If you don't have a connection/affection without sex ....well you are just strangers who ****.

He wasn't honest enough or brave enough to tell you he wanted to go elsewhere for sex and to me that smacks of cowardice and immaturity.

There are men who are honest with their wives about what they do.

ILoveYourVibes

Deleted User wrote: »

You are telling him loud and clear you don't find him attractive. Doesn't matter what you say to him, this is what he thinks..

He isn't attractive. Best he knows he isn't attractive in the relationship. Then he can alter what he is doing so he can be more attractive emotionally.

What he is doing is really really unattractive. who wants to sleep with that?

Attraction for women is emotional not just physical.

He is being a real turn off.

ILoveYourVibes

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

He isn't attractive. Best he knows he isn't attractive in the relationship. Then he can alter what he is doing so he can be more attractive emotionally.

What he is doing is really really unattractive. who wants to sleep with that?

Attraction for women is emotional not just physical.

He is being a real turn off.

Then the OP should say this to him. Men aren't mind readers. So many women complain about communication but yet they are silent about things like this when it really matters. If he won't change then leave. Both parties will be happier.

punisher5112

Are you clinging on as you have a car together????

Eh seriously move on get out of thAt. Non existent relationship.

ILoveYourVibes

Deleted User wrote: »

Then the OP should say this to him. Men aren't mind readers. So many women complain about communication but yet they are silent about things like this when it really matters. If he won't change then leave. Both parties will be happier.

This.

tara73

Deleted User wrote: »

Then the OP should say this to him. Men aren't mind readers. So many women complain about communication but yet they are silent about things like this when it really matters. If he won't change then leave. Both parties will be happier.

from the OP we don't know if she's telling him reasons for not wanting sex or not, could be she's telling him and he's going into his non talking for 2 days anyway which is never a solution and absolutely immature anyway. going on a fetish site and looking for other women is excused also, because she's supposedly not telling him? Ridiculous.

I'm sick of your degrading, generalisational comments towards women showing up in almsot every of your posts. Obviously you are using this forum as a ventil to let out your frustration with your own problematic relationship. I't's not wanted here, people opening a thread here seeking help don't need it, get help for yourself !

SB1987

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Actually its more likely he will just end up sleeping with other women and stay married.

Fetish sites are something i have experience of (im on one). There are lots of married men on there. Some tell their wives some don't. ( i don't mess with married men whether they have told their wives or not).

Women on fetish sites aren't just looking for a relationship.

The elephant in the room isn't mismatched libidos. Its lack of emotional honesty.

Ask yourself....why is he with you?

Why didn't he talk about everything?

He isn't entitled to sex.

If you don't have a connection/affection without sex ....well you are just strangers who ****.

He wasn't honest enough or brave enough to tell you he wanted to go elsewhere for sex and to me that smacks of cowardice and immaturity.

There are men who are honest with their wives about what they do.

I can understand men have needs. If they want to watch porn and help themselves then go for it! He has done this in the past that I have made him aware of I know he's doing it. At the time I didn't care as it meant he wasn't coming after it from me.

SB1987

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

He isn't attractive. Best he knows he isn't attractive in the relationship. Then he can alter what he is doing so he can be more attractive emotionally.

What he is doing is really really unattractive. who wants to sleep with that?

Attraction for women is emotional not just physical.

He is being a real turn off.

Exactly!

SB1987

tara73 wrote: »

from the OP we don't know if she's telling him reasons for not wanting sex or not, could be she's telling him and he's going into his non talking for 2 days anyway which is never a solution and absolutely immature anyway. going on a fetish site and looking for other women is excused also, because she's supposedly not telling him? Ridiculous.

I tried explaining to him that in order for me to feel the want to be with him sexually I need the emotional connection.
Then we went to counselling and I said the same there. The counselor gets it and has said many times in response to something he says that I am "looking for him to make effort with the emotional side of the relationship as that is what I need".
On top of the emotional there's the feeling that I'm the only one doing the house work etc, so he's not contributing. Even with money. There have been occasions where he has come to me asking to cover the whole rent because he doesn't have it! Where the f**k does it go! And before people think it's gambling, it's not.
He's not showing any care for wanting to try and nest egg for the future to come!

All the above doesn't make for an attractive partner. There is no feeling of love or security! Which is so hard because deep down all be it he's a broken man, he is a good man. Which is why it's so hard.

And on top of it all instead of talking and working things out he goes on sites to other women!

Sleepy

SB1987 wrote: »

Addressing our libidos, we were well matched at the start of our relationship.

Over time it has changed.

Has he changed? You don't mention any of his behaviour as being new. If he was always careless with money etc, then looking at this from his perspective it sounds like he'd be justified in feeling that you married him with the intention of moulding him into a different person and are now punishing him for not going along with your plans for him by withholding sex.

SB1987

Sleepy wrote: »

Has he changed? You don't mention any of his behaviour as being new. If he was always careless with money etc, then looking at this from his perspective it sounds like he'd be justified in feeling that you married him with the intention of moulding him into a different person and are now punishing him for not going along with your plans for him by withholding sex.

Before we got married we had the usual chats about the future and we wanted to do the married, house then kids thing. It goes without saying that as adults with a future together it would involve effort such as saving and making each other happy.
I'll add that he puts in 200% effort towards his involvement into other things in his life, but as soon as I say anything about improving things for us he gets defensive and thinks I'm blaming him for everything not going the way it should! When all I'm saying is we need to sit down and figure things out right now.

Whilst we have had set backs that have knocked us both thinking "why is the world against us!" I bounce back after that initial moment of "f**k the world", but he takes it like "why the hell do I bother trying" and doesn't.

LuciX

SB1987 wrote: »

I can understand men have needs. If they want to watch to watch porn... He has done this in the past that I have made him aware of I know he's doing it.

Ah, here. WTF did I just read? 😠

Mammy know what you doing little boy...
How dare you!
This man has the patience of a Saint or is desperate to nest.

You are moaning about money and not having joint savings. I hope you have a big back up plan of your own little Ms. Perfect.

His lack financial stability might simply be due to the fact he can't afford to save up and chose to enjoy life instead. Do you have any idea how much a child cost? No! And you can't tell until you have your own. He has a family = a child, and that should be his main priority.

It's highly unlikely he lived a furgal lifestyle before he met you and in the years leading up to the wedding. You were aware of his antics but married the man anyway.

He made a fidelity vow to you but you are refusing to fulfill your side of the agreement.
He didn't get married to find himself celibate in a few years due to your mood swings.

Imagine what the poor man life would be like after you have a child... Forget about sex completely.
A daily nag about money, housework, sleep deprivation etc. Every excuse under the sun not to give the man what he needs and if he dares to complain about a once a month action he would be made to feel like a freak with 0 emphaty because: I look after the house, the children, I don't get time to myself, me, me, me..

Do you know OP, there are plenty women who have children, work FT, look after the house and still find time to be good wives.

It's time to remove the poor wife mask and accept responsibility for your bad decisions.

As the saying goes: "some people create their own storms, then get upset when it rains".

who what when

SuperunknownX wrote: »

Ah, here. WTF did I just read? 😠

Mammy know what you doing little boy...
How dare you!
This man has the patience of a Saint or is desperate to nest.

You are moaning about money and not having joint savings. I hope you have a big back up plan of your own little Ms. Perfect.

His lack financial stability might simply be due to the fact he can't afford to save up and chose to enjoy life instead. Do you have any idea how much a child cost? No! And you can't tell until you have your own. He has a family = a child, and that should be his main priority.

It's highly unlikely he lived a furgal lifestyle before he met you and in the years leading up to the wedding. You were aware of his antics but married the man anyway.

He made a fidelity vow to you but you are refusing to fulfill your side of the agreement.
He didn't get married to find himself celibate in a few years due to your mood swings.

Imagine what the poor man life would be like after you have a child... Forget about sex completely.
A daily nag about money, housework, sleep deprivation etc. Every excuse under the sun not to give the man what he needs and if he dares to complain about a once a month action he would be made to feel like a freak with 0 emphaty because: I look after the house, the children, I don't get time to myself, me, me, me..

Do you know OP, there are plenty women who have children, work FT, look after the house and still find time to be good wives.

It's time to remove the poor wife mask and accept responsibility for your bad decisions.

As the saying goes: "some people create their own storms, then get upset when it rains".

Excellent post.

SB1987

SuperunknownX wrote: »

Ah, here. WTF did I just read? ��

Mammy know what you doing little boy...
How dare you!
This man has the patience of a Saint or is desperate to nest.

You are moaning about money and not having joint savings. I hope you have a big back up plan of your own little Ms. Perfect.

His lack financial stability might simply be due to the fact he can't afford to save up and chose to enjoy life instead. Do you have any idea how much a child cost? No! And you can't tell until you have your own. He has a family = a child, and that should be his main priority.

It's highly unlikely he lived a furgal lifestyle before he met you and in the years leading up to the wedding. You were aware of his antics but married the man anyway.

He made a fidelity vow to you but you are refusing to fulfill your side of the agreement.
He didn't get married to find himself celibate in a few years due to your mood swings.

Imagine what the poor man life would be like after you have a child... Forget about sex completely.
A daily nag about money, housework, sleep deprivation etc. Every excuse under the sun not to give the man what he needs and if he dares to complain about a once a month action he would be made to feel like a freak with 0 emphaty because: I look after the house, the children, I don't get time to myself, me, me, me..

Do you know OP, there are plenty women who have children, work FT, look after the house and still find time to be good wives.

It's time to remove the poor wife mask and accept responsibility for your bad decisions.

As the saying goes: "some people create their own storms, then get upset when it rains".

Wao! Do you have some serious personal issues of your own!

Before we got married the sex was great, we were saving (for the wedding and so he was proving himself in that sense), he was showing I meant something to him through time together with dates and flowers, along with having deep chats about life and the future. And this was reciprocated. This continued for a good while after also. And I haven't witheld sex from him. We have still had sex (all be it not as often), so he is not getting nothing.

Therefore showing all the things that were attractive to a future with him, as well as being physically attracted to him.

Since getting married, yes from me there is more of a want to settle down with financial stability for ourselves and a potential family. All women have this thought process.
When a man you thought was going to provide that for you doesn't appear to be giving a dam about providing it for you (plural) it makes you question his priorities.

He can put the effort into getting sex out of me, but can't be sensually and emotionally affectionate (foreplay as women take more to get going).
Or take the reins on creating a cushion for what's to come. Well it makes you wonder what his priorities are. The porn watching started after we got married, so "mammy knows what you're doing" didn't come into it.

He'll pay over 100 quid for lessons for his daughter who doesn't live with us full time (without talking to me about it), but then come to me caus he doesn't have money to contribute towards bills in our own rented accommodation. No sorry, get your priorities straight!

Marriage is not about having sex and producing babies, it is about a mutual life together, with communication and care for the other person. When that doesn't come your way and you try and talk about it and get cold shouldered, you start to question it!

who what when

So you think you're husband of 4 years is unattractive and a turn off and you think it's ok to withhold sex.?

Please leave him immediately and let the poor man have some chance of meeting someone that treats him with the respect he deserves.

Oh and just so you know, when you meet someone new, they to will expect to have a sex life with you.

ElizaBennett

I'm wondering about his daughter. Is there conflict in your relationship regarding Her? Does he spend much time with Her? Does he expect you to play a step mother role? Are you under pressure in that regard?

Sleepy

SB1987 wrote: »

He'll pay over 100 quid for lessons for his daughter who doesn't live with us full time (without talking to me about it), but then come to me caus he doesn't have money to contribute towards bills in our own rented accommodation. No sorry, get your priorities straight!

He has his priorities straight: his daughters needs outweigh your wants. And IMHO, he's right.

Did you honestly think his daughter would stop being a priority to him after you married?! :eek: I hope you haven't let her know how inconvenient you find her existence.

SB1987

who what when wrote: »

So you think you're husband of 4 years is unattractive and a turn off and you think it's ok to withhold sex.?

Please leave him immediately and let the poor man have some chance of meeting someone that treats him with the respect he deserves.

Oh and just so you know, when you meet someone new, they to will expect to have a sex life with you.

The cold behavior and lack of care for mutually creating a secure future with less worry, along with the fact that he isn't being emotionally attentive no matter how many times you try and talk about improving on it because you want to connect emotionally as well as physically are not attractive qualities.

I have no problem having sex. But when you are with someone who makes you feel like 4th on his list of priorities no matter how many times you try and talk to him and find a resolve that works for both, you don't feel attracted to it to want to be physical.

Bigmac1euro

You’ve brought the daughter thing up twice OP which doesn’t seem fair.
I can see your other points but the fact he spends a lot of time and money on his daughter seems to anger you which is a massive problem. It sounds like you might be a bit controlling tbh. Just from reading all comments start to finish. This is from an outsiders point of view.
The emotional thing sounds like a copout to not give sex. You even said yourself earlier you were glad when he whacked off because he didn’t come to you.
You’re not attracted to this man so maybe it’s time to let it go and stop pretending you are.

I also understand your not well so hopefully you recover well and you both can separate and live happier lives don’t let a car loan hold you together. Just be glad it’s not a house.
Life is too short. I would try looking for someone without kids in future though.

SB1987

ElizaBennett wrote: »

I'm wondering about his daughter. Is there conflict in your relationship regarding Her? Does he spend much time with Her? Does he expect you to play a step mother role? Are you under pressure in that regard?

There is no conflict between us. We actually get on really well, we have a positive relationship.

I will say however that I do feel like instead of focusing on our marriage he will put the attention on her.

Example:

He has her over at ours every 2nd weekend. She stays with her mum full time.

I was recovering from a surgery at my parents as he was working and I needed someone to help me as I couldn't physically do much.

This weekend he was due to travel to me. He has his daughter. He was questioning coming to see me because his daughter had a horse riding lesson and he didn't want to say no she couldn't go. On top of that he didn't want her to be bored in the car journey!

So instead of for that time thinking you know what I want to see my wife and how she's doing he put did the horse riding and didn't travel until after he handed her back to her mum after the weekend was over.

SB1987

Sleepy wrote: »

He has his priorities straight: his daughters needs outweigh your wants. And IMHO, he's right.

Did you honestly think his daughter would stop being a priority to him after you married?! :eek: I hope you haven't let her know how inconvenient you find her existence.

I had and have no issue with his daughter being in our lives, I knew she was part of the package so to speak. And we have a great relationship.

However if you choose to marry someone and not with the mother of the child you are committing yourself to your partner and the future together.
By all means i wouldn't expect him to just ignore his child, but when it comes to your wife or your daughter from another woman, your marriage comes first. Don't marry someone if you're not going to put the effort in.

ElizaBennett

I think he should have taken a few days off work to take care of you when you came home from the surgery - I would expect that of my husband for sure, unless for financial or work reasons it was absolutely impossible. I would also expect that for such an unusual situation as surgery he would put you first for once. It's a valuable lesson to his daughter also that yes she's incredibly important to him but she can't always be number one in every life situation and other people matter a lot too, especially his wife.

My bottom line on your story is that there just isn't enough closeness and maybe there never was. Definitely not enough kindness. He's gone too far for you to get it back I think. I totally get where you're coming from with not wanting to be intimate with someone who you feel only wants you for sex. I ended up divorced because of very similar feelings. My ex couldn't express feelings and, six years on, would probably say he still loves me and did all along but he could never show it in the way I needed so what was the point really at the end of the day? What good is love if it doesn't make you feel good? I think you really have to draw a line under this chapter and start again. It can probably be amicable enough, which is a good thing. And you're very very lucky not to have complications. Your legal position is very simple. There is no joy and no prospect of any that I can see.

SB1987

ElizaBennett wrote: »

I think he should have taken a few days off work to take care of you when you came home from the surgery - I would expect that of my husband for sure, unless for financial or work reasons it was absolutely impossible. I would also expect that for such an unusual situation as surgery he would put you first for once. It's a valuable lesson to his daughter also that yes she's incredibly important to him but she can't always be number one in every life situation and other people matter a lot too, especially his wife.

My bottom line on your story is that there just isn't enough closeness and maybe there never was. Definitely not enough kindness. He's gone too far for you to get it back I think. I totally get where you're coming from with not wanting to be intimate with someone who you feel only wants you for sex. I ended up divorced because of very similar feelings. My ex couldn't express feelings and, six years on, would probably say he still loves me and did all along but he could never show it in the way I needed so what was the point really at the end of the day? What good is love if it doesn't make you feel good? I think you really have to draw a line under this chapter and start again. It can probably be amicable enough, which is a good thing. And you're very very lucky not to have complications. Your legal position is very simple. There is no joy and no prospect of any that I can see.

He was moving into a new job at the time and could only take a week off in between, which he did for while I was in the hospital recovering.
We both agreed he'd go to the new job when he did, first because they needed him to start the position asap, but also because I wasn't getting paid for the time off from my work caus I too had started a new job and hadn't made up paid time off yet.

I had the same thoughts as your above regarding showing an example (my wife is important to me) and also showing that because she's an only child in a parental circumstance that isn't what you would ideally want doesn't mean she gets pandered over. She has go with what the adults tell her to do. And sometimes she might not be happy about that.

I in no way think that it is all his fault. I know I'm not perfect. But it's hard trying to communicate with someone who can't or won't, and only agrees to counselling as a last resort (from me) when I said I'd had enough and would walk. And since then still isn't really showing he cares.

mitresize5

So you are not being intimate with your husband (sex) and this is coola bula

Your husband is not intimate with you (cuddles and chats) and we have a huuuge problem

WarpAsylum

SB1987 wrote: »

I had and have no issue with his daughter being in our lives, I knew she was part of the package so to speak. And we have a great relationship.

However if you choose to marry someone and not with the mother of the child you are committing yourself to your partner and the future together.
By all means i wouldn't expect him to just ignore his child, but when it comes to your wife or your daughter from another woman, your marriage comes first. Don't marry someone if you're not going to put the effort in.

You are so wrong here. So wrong.

His daughter is his daughter regardless of "what woman" she came from.

What a disgusting thing to say.

SB1987

mitresize5 wrote: »

So you are not being intimate with your husband (sex) and this is coola bula

Your husband is not intimate with you (cuddles and chats) and we have a huuuge problem

You seem to think that I'm not interested in sex what so ever! How wrong you are.

I would love to be in a comfortable stable relationship where I can go with mine and my partners inhibitions.

But that is not the case. Instead I am pushing myself and thinking about the future and trying to communicate about anything we might come across. Instead from his end he puts more effort into his hobbies and other things!

SB1987

WarpAsylum wrote: »

You are so wrong here. So wrong.

His daughter is his daughter regardless of "what woman" she came from.

What a disgusting thing to say.

His daughter is always going to be in his life, I get that, and I accepted that when I married him.

However if you make the choice to marry another woman you are making the choice to give yourself to the new relationship and focus on the growth of that relationship and potential new family you could have.

Instead he has neglected his marriage, and with choices he has made has put his daughters hobbies above his relationship.

cannotlogin

SB1987 wrote: »

I had and have no issue with his daughter being in our lives, I knew she was part of the package so to speak. And we have a great relationship.

However if you choose to marry someone and not with the mother of the child you are committing yourself to your partner and the future together.
By all means i wouldn't expect him to just ignore his child, but when it comes to your wife or your daughter from another woman, your marriage comes first. Don't marry someone if you're not going to put the effort in.

Wrong!!! It's very clear you haven't accepted it and that is very clear from the words and manner you describe his daughter and the situation.

If he's any sort of a decent man at all, his daughter will and should always come ahead of his marriage. She is a child and you are an adult - her need will be greater than yours until she is at least 18.

It appears that he doesn't want his daughter to suffer any negative consequence if her parents splitting up and that she should continue to enjoy her hobbies.

I'm not saying there aren't other issues in your relationship where he has let you down but if you cannot comprehend that his daughter comes first, then you probably shouldn't be in this relationship. The other problems only compound the issue.

twill

cannotlogin wrote: »

It appears that he doesn't want his daughter to suffer any negative consequence if her parents splitting up and that she should continue to enjoy her hobbies.

My impression from what the OP was saying is that horse riding is an expensive hobby, and that he is not interested in planning for this, so the burden falls on the OP, e.g. when he told her he didn't have enough money for the rent.

AulWan

SB1987 wrote: »

but when it comes to your wife or your daughter from another woman, your marriage comes first.

Wrong. Your child always comes first.

Ralphyroo

SB1987 wrote: »

His daughter is always going to be in his life, I get that, and I accepted that when I married him.

However if you make the choice to marry another woman you are making the choice to give yourself to the new relationship and focus on the growth of that relationship and potential new family you could have.

Instead he has neglected his marriage, and with choices he has made has put his daughters hobbies above his relationship.

I am so so glad the two of you don't have children. I can only imagine how poorly you would treat your husband's daughter if the two of you had children together. She is his child, she always will be and no "new family" will change that.
You're complaining he won't save for the future but you want dates and flowers, which presumably he will pay for himself. You want emotional affection but you don't want to have sex with him and you're happy when hes watching porn so hes not looking for sex off you.
It's your husband I pity, and particularly his daughter.

AulWan

You are lucky you don't have children.

If you had children of your own you'd understand that because you wouldn't be staying at your parents' house recovering, you'd be at home minding your own, while trying to manage. Becauses that's what people with kids have to do.

He didn't push his child aside for you, and it probably didn't occur to him too. Instead he tried to juggle, he only sees his daughter every second weekend, he probably sees you every day. So yes, he took her to do her hobby and visited you afterwards.

That's not neglecting you. Thats doing what parents do.

ksceniaonegina

Better to be the dumper than the dumpee just saying