Wrongly accused by partner

Anonuser123

My boyfriend accused me of masturbating during the night when we are in bed and I’m not.

Background - around 2.5 years ago, after the silent treatment for 2 days, he accused me of masturbating during the night. He was angry that it was waking him up and why would I do that. I have a problem with ingrown hairs due to shaving which causes severe itch and I’m getting electrolysis to remove the hair. I explained this, we decided to sleep in different beds and it was working out well.
A few months ago we moved house and are back in the same bed. Yesterday, I asked him what was wrong after a day of him not talking to me and he accused me again. I couldn’t really believe it. He doesn’t believe me that it’s the itching causing me to scratch, it is especially bad at night time. Why did I stop when he turned in the bed? (He woke me up so I consciously stopped scratching) I got very upset, I said it’s something I have no control over, I was so hurt and upset I gave him his engagement ring back

I’m really hurting now and I don’t know what to do

Mr. Incognito

I was so hurt and upset I gave him his engagement ring back

I dont think it's this issue. There seems to be larger difficulties in the relationship. This strikes me as particularly emotionally vindictive behaviour.

I think you should have a larger chat. I've never had the silent treatment with any partner for 2 days.

You both sound quite immature.

LegacyUser

Jesus f.....if any partner tried to shame/punish me for masterbating I'd be having serious doubts about how healthy their view is of sex/bodies etc....does he never masturbate??? Like heck he doesn't...or if he somehow never does, I'd be very concerned why not. His reaction seems to suggest he doesn't have a normal healthy balanced view of sex. Does he bring a lot of hang ups to the bedroom or how's your sex life?

SusieBlue

He's being utterly unreasonable and sounds like a total drama queen.
I actually have suffered from what you are describing in the past, what does he expect you to do? Its very uncomfortable.
Even if you were masturbating, ignoring you for it is a total overreaction. Its none of his business what you do with your own body.

The fact that he chooses to ignore you rather than confront the issue raises major alarm bells. Its a very immature, manipulative way to behave. An ex of mine used to do this to me, and even if I was in the right, I was usually eager to just drop the issue because I was so happy he was speaking to me again. This is exactly what your partner is doing to you as well.

He has very poor communication skills and has a vindictive streak. I would be seriously reconsidering whether you even want to marry this man if scratching your private area in your sleep causes him such severe hurt and distress that he can't even speak to you for 2 days.

jimmycrackcorm

You need to address the point about maturbation regardless of you aren't doing it. Why is he using that as an excuse? Why did he have a problem with something that is natural?

If the problem is that he is being wakened then you might suggest sleeping separately until it is resolved.

Anonuser123

Susie blue, that sounds horrible and I totally understand what you mean about giving in to keep the peace. The cold shoulder is so hurtful and frustrating especially coz I’ve done nothing wrong

ShaShaBear

Anonuser123 wrote: »

Susie blue, that sounds horrible and I totally understand what you mean about giving in to keep the peace. The cold shoulder is so hurtful and frustrating especially coz I’ve done nothing wrong

Even if you were masturbating in bed beside him, there's literally nothing wrong with that. It's controlling behaviour and you are right to hand the ring back. Unless he can explain why he feels the need to control you this way as well as giving you the cold shoulder and the issue can be resolved, there's not much hope for a relationship like this.

Esse85

He sounds like an absolute waste of space!

Has he any good points about him?

So what if you were doing that, most guys would be delighted and offer to help out.

From the limited info you've given us I've no idea why your with him.

nthclare

More like he's the wanker out of the two of you.

Well rid, enough red flags for a Cork All Ireland

You don't need that ****, if you were masterbating what's it to him.

He sounds like a control freak and there could be a possibility he's going to get worse.

Anonuser123

We have a good relationship, and I want to get this resolved and move past it.
His reasoning is that it’s waking him up and puts him in a bad mood for the day coz he hasn’t slept.
Our sex life is what I would consider normal, sometimes 3 times a week, or we might go two weeks without depending on schedules / tiredness.
We are affectionate every day, cuddling and kissing.
The fact that he thinks I’m lying is really concerning me and we have never had trust issues in our relationship

osarusan

Unless he feels that he is being rejected sexually by you, and then you are going on to masturbate, I can't really see the issue.

The reasoning he is giving you: "His reasoning is that it’s waking him up and puts him in a bad mood for the day coz he hasn’t slept" - do you think this is really how he feels?

Finally, whatever the issue is, his tactic of sulking silently until you ask what's wrong, rather than just bring it up sooner, is pretty immature.

zapper55

It's such an extreme overreaction. As you said the relationship is food I'd wonder is there something else bothering him.

I'd suggest sitting down with him and asking what's wrong. If he says masterbating I'd ask no what's really wrong. This reaction has come out of nowhere.

Ignoring you for 2 days is horrible. Has this happened before?

Anonuser123

He might do this a couple of times a year, and I’ve told him how hurtful and non productive it is.

I would be pretty pissed off if my partner regularly woke me up in the middle of the night with vigorous activity that she could do somewhere like the bathroom where it wouldn't bother me. Couldn't care less if it was masturbating or scratching. Snoring or sleepwalking is forgivable, as these are not deliberate actions. Needlessly waking up your partner seems selfish and self centered to me.

Anonuser123

Deleted User wrote: »

I would be pretty pissed off if my partner regularly woke me up in the middle of the night with vigorous activity that she could do somewhere like the bathroom where it wouldn't bother me. Couldn't care less if it was masturbating or scratching. Snoring or sleepwalking is forgivable, as these are not deliberate actions. Needlessly waking up your partner seems selfish and self centered to me.

I do it in my sleep..

SusieBlue

Deleted User wrote: »

I would be pretty pissed off if my partner regularly woke me up in the middle of the night with vigorous activity that she could do somewhere like the bathroom where it wouldn't bother me. Couldn't care less if it was masturbating or scratching. Snoring or sleepwalking is forgivable, as these are not deliberate actions. Needlessly waking up your partner seems selfish and self centered to me.

Neither is scratching? Whats your solution, she wakes herself, gets out of bed, and leave the room each time it happens?
Its not like she's doing it for leisure

I get that its annoying for her partner but she's apologetic about it and isn't doing it on purpose to annoy him. She can't help it.
Two days of silent treatment is a complete overreaction and very unreasonable.

And regardless, the problem isn't the scratching. He's accusing her of masturbating despite being told that isn't what she's doing. Its controlling behaviour.

SusieBlue

SusieBlue wrote: »

Neither is scratching? Whats your solution, she wakes herself, gets out of bed, and leave the room each time it happens?
Its not like she's doing it for leisure

I get that its annoying for her partner but she's apologetic about it and isn't doing it on purpose to annoy him. She can't help it.
Two days of silent treatment is a complete overreaction and very unreasonable.

And regardless, the problem isn't the scratching. He's accusing her of masturbating despite being told that isn't what she's doing. Its controlling behaviour.

You are saying you have no control over scratching ??? And it's fine to wake up someone in the middle of the night???? That's a widely used form of torture !

Anonuser123

Anonuser123 wrote: »

I do it in my sleep..

Sorry OP I didn't pick that up from your original post. Fair enough.

SusieBlue

Deleted User wrote: »

You are saying you have no control over scratching ??? And it's fine to wake up someone in the middle of the night???? That's a widely used form of torture !

I didn't say it was fine to wake someone up in the night. Its unfortunate, but beyond OP's control, and she's been apologetic.
So he can accept that, and power through until her treatment finishes, or he can be an adult and not ignore her for 2 days.

And yes, I would say its not something many of us have much control over. The problem, however, is that he's accusing her of masturbating.

Jurgen Klopp

OP just for yourself would you get a hair trimmer.

You need the hair a certain length for treatment anyway and ingrown hairs are torture so why not just use the blade 0 and save yourself the uncomfortableness of it all

Kidchameleon

Anonuser123 wrote: »

...after the silent treatment for 2 days...

Why are you with a child? That kind of behavior is not acceptable. He sounds like a bully and the masturbation thing is an excuse

LegacyUser

Btw constant itch from shaving is torture and ingrown hairs suck. Why not wax or suggest going au natural to solve the issue

Anonuser123

He’s still not talking to me. And he’s going away for the weekend tomorrow. This sucks

SusieBlue

Anonuser123 wrote: »

He’s still not talking to me. And he’s going away for the weekend tomorrow. This sucks

He sounds so petty and immature. Please don’t lower yourself to pleading with this man to communicate with you. If he had any bit of respect for you he would do it without needing to be asked.

This type of scenario will go even more toxic over time. Do you want your children growing up in a house where a dad ignores a mam for days on end over the slightest misdemeanor?

Please take the weekend to consider why you’re even in this relationship.

Scarinae

Do I have this correct OP - you guys had an argument about this two and a half years ago, which was 'resolved' by you sleeping in a different room. Now you have moved house you are in the same bed again, and the argument has cropped up again? So you not only have been sleeping in separate beds for two and a half years, but you have been suffering from ingrown hairs for at least two and a half years that are so bad you uncontrollably scratch at night?

Your fiancé/boyfriend is being incredibly unsympathetic about something you can’t control. If I was in his shoes I would be worried about you being so uncomfortable and trying to find a resolution with you, rather than acting like a petulant child. He also seems to be more annoyed about the thought of you masturbating than the fact it is waking him up which suggests an old-fashioned attitude to sex (although if you were sleeping in different beds you could have been masturbating every night and he never would have known?!) and on top of that is accusing you of lying.

All couples will have disagreements or things that annoy them about each other, that is inevitable. However the way he deals with it is incredibly immature – sulking for days until you approach him to see what is wrong, and refusing to listen to your explanation. According to your latest update he is off for the weekend now and still isn’t talking to you. Is he going to ignore you all weekend, and then come back from his trip expecting you to be full of apologies? Is this how he deals with all conflicts that crop up, or is it just in your relationship? If this is common behaviour from him I would be seriously considering whether this is a person I want to tie myself to legally through marriage.

Another issue is the ingrown hairs that are affecting you that badly – you shouldn’t have to put up with such a severe itch. I sympathise because I am also prone to ingrown hairs and have never been able to shave that area as the reaction I get is so terrible, I have to either wax or epilate. I see that you are getting electrolysis which means you can’t wax, but could you trim the hair like another poster suggested? Also I have found that Nads Ingrow Solution is excellent for soothing and minimising ingrown hairs.

sReq | uTeK

Why the **** does it even matter if you were or were or were not. Jesus he needs to realise its 2019.

I wouldn't care if my wife was at that in the middle of the night to be honest

Anonuser123

Thanks for the advice everyone, it’s good to read your points of view especially as I wouldn’t be comfortable talking to my friends and family about this embarrassimg / sensitive issue. Susie blue as you suggested, I’m going to my home city for the weekend and will evaluate the relationship

Anonuser123

Struggling a bit this evening, home alone with a glass of wine, I just thought about the wedding plans we’ve made and felt really sad and overwhelmed, hopefully the trip tomorrow will clear my head. I wrote down everything I wanted to say to him and it was a little therapeutic

wildwillow

Don't let wedding plans influence your decision about the relationship. I would be really worried about his silent treatment. This won't improve and you deserve a better life than that. Take a break from the relationship and enjoy your freedom.

Anonuser123

I received a text last night ‘yo, sorry about the other day’ told him that was nowhere near good enough and haven’t heard since

AulWan

Anonuser123, ,have you actually spoken to a doctor about the constant itch?

I suffered with the same issue but it wasn't ingrown hair, there are some conditions that cause this kind of uncontrollable feminine itching

If this issue is ongoing this long, you need to see a doctor. There are conditions like lichen sclerosus, and at the worst possible case scenario, even vulvar cancer, which can cause this type of uncontrollable itching.

Now, I am not saying you have vulvar cancer, I was actually investigated for it and it is extremly rare, but you could very possibly have lichen sclerosus and think its ingrown hair causing the problem.

I found no soap products, aqueous cream only, and as a moisturiser, along with liberal application of vaseline helped control the itch. I also take a very strong prescription antihistamines. It is so difficult to control the itch/scratch cycle, especially in your sleep when its ten times worse!

If you're in Dublin, I can recommend the lady doctor saw in the Well Woman Clinic, who was extremely helpful.

con___manx1

Sounds like an idiot. Get rid of him. Tell him to shove the engagement ring up his hole.
So what even if you were masturbating. Whats the big deal?
I bet he is some sort of religious person that believes people live in the sky.

ILoveYourVibes

I'm sorry ...your bf was woken up by you masturbating (or so he thought)?? And he was .....angry???

skooterblue2

Anonuser123 wrote: »

...... I just thought about the wedding plans we’ve made and felt really sad and overwhelmed,............

A wedding is one day in your life it can be changed and reconfigured up until the last minute. A marriage is something completely different and is much harder and complex to undo with serious consequences.

tara73

OP, clearly, you can't marry this guy. It seems you are that long together you can't see his craziness for what it is anymore.

He didn't talk to you for weeks or what is it now because he thinks you are masturbating in bed but instead you have a medical issue or the thing with the ingrown hair. Sorry, but if you would tell that any person out there in a real conversation they would be first speechless and than probably close to laughing and then in disbelief. That's what it evoked in me anyway.

He doesn't care for you, the opposite, he seems to somehow detest you, no person in his real mind would behave like that.
And do you think this will get better when you are married? No, it's very likely it gets worse.

Please, get rid of this bully or whatevers wrong with this man.

P.S. well done in telling him a simple excuse via text is not good enough!

skooterblue2

AulWan wrote: »

Anonuser123, ,have you actually spoken to a doctor about the constant itch?

I suffered with the same issue but it wasn't ingrown hair, there are some conditions that cause this kind of uncontrollable feminine itching

If this issue is ongoing this long, you need to see a doctor. There are conditions like lichen sclerosus, and at the worst possible case scenario, even vulvar cancer, which can cause this type of uncontrollable itching.

Now, I am not saying you have vulvar cancer, I was actually investigated for it and it is extremly rare, but you could very possibly have lichen sclerosus and think its ingrown hair causing the problem.

I found no soap products, aqueous cream only, and as a moisturiser, along with liberal application of vaseline helped control the itch. I also take a very strong prescription antihistamines. It is so difficult to control the itch/scratch cycle, especially in your sleep when its ten times worse!

I would say something similar but I would say in my experience as a practitioner that the itch is not the problem but the symptom of some deeper rooted unhappiness. Invest money treating the root first and the symptoms will vanish quickly.

pinkyeye

Ah I have to be honest here now, if ANYONE was waking me in the night with their behaviour it would piss me off big time.

You say OP that you slept apart for 2 and half years and this is still not solved??

I would be pissed off with this. I'm a female and if I thought it was my partner masturbating and trying to pretend it was some itching problem that wasn't solved for over 3 years now I'd be in the height of it.

Let's try to consider this from another persons point of view. Disturbed sleep can drive some people to madness.

joeguevara

The main issue here is communication. If a bf or gf is woken up in the night by their partner they shouldn't sulk. They should talk and fix.

If he thought you were masturbating he should ask why. No way he should pull the silent treatment.

But same goes for you. Why you hiding a medical condition from your partner and why not get it treated.

Sounds like ye both need to learn to talk or its doomed.

Paddy Cow

joeguevara wrote: »

The main issue here is communication. If a bf or gf is woken up in the night by their partner they shouldn't sulk. They should talk and fix.

If he thought you were masturbating he should ask why. No way he should pull the silent treatment.

But same goes for you. Why you hiding a medical condition from your partner and why not get it treated.

Sounds like ye both need to learn to talk or its doomed.

She's not hiding it. She explained she has ingrown hairs and is getting treatment for it. I still find it bizarre though.

Op because your partner thinks you are masturbating, I assume you are scratching your crotch? If shaving that area leads to ingrown hairs, would you consider alternative methods of grooming? Trimming the area with a scissors or electric trimmer would leave the area neat but not give the discomfort of shaving. I shaved that area once and lesson learned!

Are you scratching in your sleep? I don't understand why your boyfriend is so insistent that you are masturbating when you have explained it to him. I also don't understand why you'd give back your engagement ring over this. It seems like communication has totally broken down.

If you are involuntarily scratching in your sleep, is it possible this turns into masturbating with you moaning, which wakes up your boyfriend? You really need to get to the bottom of this and the only way to do that is to talk about it.

Anonuser123

Hi, OP here again. There was another incident last week over a disagreement about house chores. He stayed in his parents for 2 nights and then was away for the weekend (already planned) refusing to talk about it until this week because he needed to cool off. I called him out on his behaviour, I said I feel like he’s trying to ‘punish’ me by refusing to talk to me, or that he has anger management issues as it could have been easily resolved. He did not like that one bit. I brought up that he was cold towards me for a day because my phone alarm woke him up before he needed to be up as it was near his head in the bed. I’m just so tired now and I am mentally preparing to leave, I told him that his passive aggressive behavior is having a very negative impact on the relationship and he just doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge this or try to work on it

ManOfMystery

Anonuser123 wrote: »

his passive aggressive behavior is having a very negative impact on the relationship and he just doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge this or try to work on it

This is the crux of the matter. If he isn't willing to fix things or change his unfair behaviour for the better, then the ball is in your court. You either continue to put up with it, or you end it.

tara73

what is remarkable here, this overreacting of his always occurs when it's about him being disturbed in his sleep. I don't think it is very likely because you havn't mentioned it, but is he maybe suffering from heavy sleeping problems and is sleep deprived all the time? Could be an explanation why he's so unnerved when disturbed sleeping.

but still, even if this is the case, no need to react like he reacts punishing you stopping communication. very silly.

if he suffers from being overly sensitive to noises while sleeping (and I can relate to it), a solution could be found by talking about it and not by going into sulking mode.

he seems like a very weird guy and I think at the end of the day there's onla one real solution: to leave him.

cannotlogin

Why are you putting up with this?

You can't change him and he's proven he's not a catch.

Just leave him, move on with your life and find better! Judging by his behaviour, finding some one better won't be difficult.

Princess Calla

tara73 wrote: »

what is remarkable here, this overreacting of his always occurs when it's about him being disturbed in his sleep.

Op where do you see this relationship going?

Do you want it to be the happy ever after?

I ask this as Tara has hit on a very valid point.

If you go down the children route he's going to be an absolute nightmare based on what you are describing. You'll probably be left doing all the nightfeeds... Well all feeds infairness while he sulks off somewhere else.

I personally can't stand sulking so I'd be well gone at this stage, but everyone has their own dealbreakers.

I also despise passive aggressiveness as it makes you start questioning yourself, which is never good in a relationship.

I don't think his behaviour is great for an adult.

He seems like so much work....it really shouldn't be that difficult

Anonuser123

Thanks all, it’s not confined to issues that disturb his sleep, I understand sleep is important and can see why anyone would be annoyed of someone was affecting their sleep routine but it’s how he handles it which hurts me.
To be honest, I am hoping he will come to me and tell me he’s going to work on his communication. I wish he could say sorry and he wants to make our relationship work. We own a house together, we are engaged, and the thought of leaving him and starting over terrifies me

Anonuser123

He just came over to me to hand me a glass of wine (didn’t say a word), I told him I didn’t want it.
Previously I would have accepted this sort of gesture as an apology so I suppose it’s my fault that I’ve created the expectation that this is acceptable.

mosstin

Two posts about half an hour apart. Not being ****ty here but maybe put the phone down and have a chat with him?

cannotlogin

Anonuser123 wrote: »

To be honest, I am hoping he will come to me and tell me he’s going to work on his communication. I wish he could say sorry and he wants to make our relationship work. We own a house together, we are engaged, and the thought of leaving him and starting over terrifies me

This is how he communicates. He has shown you that multiple times. Either accept it or ditch him but living in a fantasy land of thinking you can change it is mad.

Being afraid of leaving/starting over is never a reason to stay.

Pawwed Rig

If you ever have kids the odd disturbed sleep will seem like a luxury. I think you need to take some clear decisive action here op. What is the point of the relationship?

Millionaire only not

Try sleeping with one that snores! masturbating would be a pleasure to have to deal with and it’s funny to see it in action during there sleep !

woodchuck

Mod note:

As the OP hasn't been back in a few weeks, I think it's time to close this thread.

OP if you need the thread reopened, please just let me know.