Coming out later

Gael23

I’m 28 and a half and sort of feeling like I’ve missed the boat as regards coming out of the closet, or is it ever “too late”?

I’ve only known for sure myself for a little over a year, and due to life circumstances I honestly haven’t felt like I’ve had to bottle something up. But I’m well aware that’s likely to change in the not too distant future hence the question.

L1011

People come out at any and every age. There does seem to be certain life stages that are more common (I've oversimplified it to 21, 24, 27 being weirdly common amongst people I know) but they're not enforced restrictions

Gael23

L1011 wrote: »

People come out at any and every age. There does seem to be certain life stages that are more common (I've oversimplified it to 21, 24, 27 being weirdly common amongst people I know) but they're not enforced restrictions

Anyone I know came out in their late teens or early 20s but your right I suppose, it can be any age.

Ten of Swords

Never too late

L1011

Gael23 wrote: »

Anyone I know came out in their late teens or early 20s but your right I suppose, it can be any age.

I know two lads from the same circle - who would have known me for years as out, so it's not like they were in some backwater with no gays around - came out in their late (very, in one case) 20s. My dad worked with someone who was about 50, waited until his kids were in college.

Everyone has their own time.

Gael23

L1011 wrote: »

I know two lads from the same circle - who would have known me for years as out, so it's not like they were in some backwater with no gays around - came out in their late (very, in one case) 20s. My dad worked with someone who was about 50, waited until his kids were in college.

Everyone has their own time.

I’ve known I’m attracted to men for a while but only realised around a year ago it was more than just a crush in certain guys if you get me. So you could say I’m still coming to terms with it in my own mind.

Annasopra

Gael23 wrote: »

I’ve known I’m attracted to men for a while but only realised around a year ago it was more than just a crush in certain guys if you get me. So you could say I’m still coming to terms with it in my own mind.

Sure. You have begun the process by coming out to yourself. Makes complete sense.

Nope it really is never too late at all. I know people who came out in their 50s

Gael23

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

Sure. You have begun the process by coming out to yourself. Makes complete sense.

Nope it really is never too late at all. I know people who came out in their 50s

I always like your perspective on things Joey.
Had a situation a year or so ago that led me to make some changes in my life and i guess coming out internally to myself was one big one

lyinghere

Never too late - each to their own. Get comfortable with it and go for it if that's what you want.

liquoriceall

It's far from late, I came out at 30 and I'm now 38. My soon to be wife came out to her friends in her early 20s but only to her family etc in her early 30s

Gael23

One thing I do find hard is that most of the dating apps and sites are all about sex, which does have its benefits sometimes. Otherwise it’s nit easy to go into a gay bar alone to meet lads

lottpaul

Gael23 wrote: »

Anyone I know came out in their late teens or early 20s but your right I suppose, it can be any age.

First of all thanks for (re)starting the discussion - it's one that crops up for someone somewhere in the country almost every day I'd imagine. These days it's almost taken for granted that everyone comes out in their teens - but that's far from reality.
There is no magical or compulsory age - some people are never "in" and good for them.
Then there are some who never come out to another soul and who go through the whole of their lives without ever talking to anyone else about a very important aspect of their lives, much less act upon it.
You say yourself that it has taken you a little bit of time to fully accept it all and that's the only advice I'd give - give people a bit of time to "adjust" but after that move on. It's your life: you are 100% in charge of your own happiness - and we only get one shot at life.
Best of luck with it all!

ldy4mxonucwsq6

Gael23 wrote: »

I’m 28 and a half and sort of feeling like I’ve missed the boat as regards coming out of the closet, or is it ever “too late”?

I’ve only known for sure myself for a little over a year, and due to life circumstances I honestly haven’t felt like I’ve had to bottle something up. But I’m well aware that’s likely to change in the not too distant future hence the question.

You're a spring chicken at only 28, you do it when you feel you are ready.

You might find that some people already have an idea and won't be at all surprised.

Just do what feels right for you, best of luck.

Annasopra

Gael23 wrote: »

One thing I do find hard is that most of the dating apps and sites are all about sex, which does have its benefits sometimes. Otherwise it’s nit easy to go into a gay bar alone to meet lads

You can try different social groups or sports groups. I could probably list about 20 off the top of my head.

Annasopra

https://www.meetup.com/Out-and-About-Gay-Hiking/ (serious hiking group)
https://www.meetup.com/LGBT-Meditation-Dublin/ (meditation)
https://www.meetup.com/LGBT-Ireland-Peer-Support/ (peer support for people coming out)
https://www.meetup.com/dublin-international-gay-social/ (social group)
https://www.meetup.com/Gay-Social-Tennis/ (Tennis)
https://www.meetup.com/FlamingFeathersBadmintonClub/ (badminton)
https://www.meetup.com/lgbt_pros_drinks/ (professionals social club)
https://www.meetup.com/Wet-Wild/ (outdoor pursuits and social)
https://www.meetup.com/Side-B/ (social group for people who like music)
https://www.meetup.com/Gay-Guys-Cafe-18-35/ (outhouse cafe)
https://www.meetup.com/Dublin-Gaymers-Meetup-Group/ (lgbtq+ gamers)
https://www.meetup.com/Queer-Canines/ (dog owners group)
https://www.meetup.com/D08-LGBT/ (dublin 8 group)
https://www.meetup.com/Dublin-LGBT-Meetup/ (running group)
https://www.meetup.com/Gay-Dining-Out-Ireland/ (dining group)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/dublingmbc/ (gay mens book club)
https://outhouse.ie/course-gay-bisexual-men-SeptOct2019 (Personal Development Course)
http://www.gloria.ie/ (choir)
https://www.ewrfc.ie/ (rugby)
http://www.actingoutgroup.com/about.html (acting)
http://dublindevilsfc.com/ (soccer)

There is 21. I would personally REALLY REALLY strongly reccomend Wet and Wild and the PDC Course

Gael23

That’s brilliant Joey. Not all my thing but there’s a good few that sound good.

Do you know how often the PDC Course is run? There’s one just ending this week

Annasopra

Gael23 wrote: »

That’s brilliant Joey. Not all my thing but there’s a good few that sound good.

Do you know how often the PDC Course is run? There’s one just ending this week

Maybe ring outhouse and ask them

LineOfBeauty

I remember panicking so much about this in my late teens, early 20's. Slow steps, tell people you trust and that you know will stick by you. For a long time only my closest friends and immediate family knew, and only last year that extended out to my work friends and wider range of people I know.

Being 19, looking at the internet and thinking "God, I'd never want to be that lad whose 27 and only coming out now" but, that's exactly what happened and, honestly, I'm glad it did because I don't think I was in the right space mentally to be open with people before then. Everybody is different, nobody misses the boat.

_Godot_

I only started coming out, really, last year (I'm 37), and I'm still not out to everyone irl. Everyone has their own pace.

Gael23

I kind of was only sure myself a year or so ago and I guess I need to process it myself first. Went to the gay guys cafe in the outhouse today which was good

afterglow

_Godot_ wrote: »

I only started coming out, really, last year (I'm 37), and I'm still not out to everyone irl. Everyone has their own pace.

Snap
I came out to my family last Christmas, i'm 32, and literally, last year, only realised my attraction to women, was more than just curiosity, and i've not had a relationship yet even, but when you know, you know
As for missing the boat OP, no such thing, and i'd try not worry about what others think, because those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, won't mind
I wish you only the best, and as said above, get comfortable with it yourself first, there's no rush on you to do anything you don't feel ready for, everything in it's own good time

moceri

Never too late.... At 91 years old https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/w3csyfd8

Gael23

So completed the PDC in the Outhouse just before Christmas. It definitely helped and I actually said in my evaluation at the end that I felt I’ve taken a step on a ladder and there may be some way to the top but there’s no turning back.

I’ve also started to hang out with a few LGBT social groups. In some cases the activities done massively captivate me but socializing with groups of exclusively gay lads helps a little too. It’s early days but I can see some of them turning people I discuss things with and they would genuinely understand.

I’m possibly considering doing some counseling with someone that specializes in LGBT issues. More to dig deeper into issues from the PDC and to just deal with things better in the confidence of a professional I guess.

Annasopra

Gael23 wrote: »

So completed the PDC in the Outhouse just before Christmas. It definitely helped and I actually said in my evaluation at the end that I felt I’ve taken a step on a ladder and there may be some way to the top but there’s no turning back.

I’ve also started to hang out with a few LGBT social groups. In some cases the activities done massively captivate me but socializing with groups of exclusively gay lads helps a little too. It’s early days but I can see some of them turning people I discuss things with and they would genuinely understand.

I’m possibly considering doing some counseling with someone that specializes in LGBT issues. More to dig deeper into issues from the PDC and to just deal with things better in the confidence of a professional I guess.

Yeah the pdc course is great. Glad it helped.

Gael23

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

Yeah the pdc course is great. Glad it helped.

It raised some issues which I need to explore further but it did show me that I’m not alone and what I feel is normal. When I went in first I thought maybe I’m not going to get much from it, and some weeks I didn’t while others were very hard hitting. The guy that runs it is a a psychotherapist so some of the activities really got you thinking.

LegacyUser

So glad the course helped you OP, great to hear!

Also really interesting thread to see so many people have come out at different times in their lives. I was 31 and it was only because I met a girl who turned my head (and have since married); up to that I was exclusively “straight”. Although my family & close friends know, 6yrs later I still sometimes find it tough to outright say it as I almost feel like a bit of a fraud as I feel like I’m only “gay for my wife”. Probably a bit silly.

rainbowfields

Its never too late to come out . I'm one of those people who has taken a very long time to accept my own sexual orientation.
Coming out happens when you are comfortable within your self. Being gay should not define who you are. It is an aspect of who you are within the totality of your being.

pollymv1

Never ever too late!

Gael23

I guess there’s two stages, coming out to yourself and then to the world. And finding the words to come out to the world is really hard

Flickerfusion

People have come out in their 80s and 90s. There’s no fixed age by which you have to do anything.

I’m bi and often find that tends to confuse others, more than me as I have been accused of not been out when I have actually never been “in” I just never really made a huge deal of my sexuality, other than around Pride, or when I’m having some heated political debate, but day to day its jut a background issue.

Just be yourself - that isn’t always about being in a particular category. It’s more important they your comfortable in your own skin.

LegacyUser

Really interesting and encouraging to read these posts. 34, going 35 myself. Only officially came out to people close to me last year. Finally comfortable with myself but still slow to tell people. Still scared of losing friends and family.

Ten of Swords

Congrats

Gael23

Slow-starter wrote: »

Really interesting and encouraging to read these posts. 34, going 35 myself. Only officially came out to people close to me last year. Finally comfortable with myself but still slow to tell people. Still scared of losing friends and family.

I’ve been seeing a counsellor on and off since I started this thread and the first line of your post is what we have been doing the most work on, getting me to be comfortable with myself as a gay man. Second I still struggle with but something we talked about rings in my head constantly because it makes so much sense. That is by coming out you are not looking for a Hines approval but their acceptance of you. I’m still struggling to tell people but I’m going to tell a friend as soon as things calm down. Don’t forget the possibility your family know, I’m not sure myself but I’m assuming they don’t

Annasopra

Gael23 wrote: »

I’ve been seeing a counsellor on and off since I started this thread and the first line of your post is what we have been doing the most work on, getting me to be comfortable with myself as a gay man. Second I still struggle with but something we talked about rings in my head constantly because it makes so much sense. That is by coming out you are not looking for a Hines approval but their acceptance of you. I’m still struggling to tell people but I’m going to tell a friend as soon as things calm down. Don’t forget the possibility your family know, I’m not sure myself but I’m assuming they don’t

Families a lot of the time do know from working things out.

Taltos

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

Families a lot of the time do know from working things out.

Nephew came out just a short while ago to his parents. In fairness the extended uncles and aunts all had a fair idea. I was more worried about how his folks would react but they were troopers and gave him a huge hug.
Asking his dad a few days later how his son was - “he’s a lot more comfortable in himself”

Just hope others have such a positive reaction from family but know they don’t.

i_steal_sheep

First time I ever said the words "I'm Gay", I was 28. And that was out loud to myself. Then to others. Best thing I ever did. I'll just always regret not doing it sooner ... but everything for a reason and in it's own time. It'll be OK.

Gael23

i_steal_sheep wrote: »

First time I ever said the words "I'm Gay", I was 28. And that was out loud to myself. Then to others. Best thing I ever did. I'll just always regret not doing it sooner ... but everything for a reason and in it's own time. It'll be OK.

Sorry only seeing this now. My therapist is really pushing me to do it.