Broke up with guy, heartbroken

LegacyUser

I took up a hobby last year, whilst seeing someone.

I took a shine to one guy, 10 years older than me.....the second I saw him I was attracted to him, and got a good over all impression of him. Hes a nice genuine guy. Most nights at training I was always drawn to him. And there's been times I felt he was checking me out.

My relationship ended, the season was coming to an end so there were a good few socials happening. We kept catching each other's eye and many times he would go out of his way to chat to me. We were both shy so didn't speak a whole lot in training, but in all photos taken of us as a team, we are beside each other. His body language, as far as i could tell was open to me.

We eventually hooked up, and got to know each other better. We had the same sense of humor, into the same things and there were times wed show up wearing the same color clothing or leather jacket. We were almost like the same person.

Sex was just great, really passionate. We always complemented each other. He's cooked dinner and breakfast for me every time I stayed at his. He always made an effort and it was really sweet of him. He was so good to me, a proper gent.

Anyway, as time went on I brought up about where this was all going. I told him straight out I liked him and would like to be in a relationship. This is 6 weeks after hooking up. He was a bit hesitate, not long out of a bad relationship and was quiet happy on his own. He admitted that he jumps too quickly into relationships. He said that it might be a bad thing that we are so alike also. He asked for sometime to think, I gave him that and he came back saying he would like to be in a relationship.

Iv to admit there's been a lot of times it was me initiating to meet up. This guy is probably the most laid back guy iv met. I started getting the impression he was too bothered about a relationship anymore, like one night he didn't bother to even snap back good night. And the fact it thought it might be bad that were so a lot, that it kinda set a negative tone for me, from him.

Last night I said all this to him and he kept saying he didn't know. He then admitted to me that maybe is toonlaid back and that maybe he's not into the relationship as much as I was. I said we might as well leave it at that.

It's ended on good terms, it's just I'm pretty heartbroken, we had a ton of stuff in common it was so refreshing to do things I love with someone. He just didn't say a whole lot, it was kinda frustrating, I think he still didn't know what he wanted. After leaving I text him to say I was too upset to say this to u but I had a lovely time with u and ur a fab guy. No text back. What's that a bout??

This is badly written I apologise. My grammar is quiet bad.

Deep down I did the right thing by going with how I felt and explaining it to him. I'm just really down it's over. I was falling for him.

S.G.M.

You handled this well OP. Took the risk and went for it and it sadly just didn't work out.
Time will heal and you will definitely find someone ya like just as much if not more.
And if ye are meant to be together, ye will find your way back in the future. Just be good to yourself and try and push yourself to get up, do things you enjoy and take your mind off him until your feelings dissipate.

Thelonious Monk

He's not that into you and that doesnt change. Keep your distance now and time will heal.

TheBoyConor

Since ye have common interests and are similar personalities then ye should have became friends rather than pushing this relationship business. Especially when ye are both only out of relationships, him a toxic head melter of one.

zapper55

I'm not surprised he didnt text back, sure what could he say? And it sounds like you were itching for a fight after the break up from your post.

Look what you've said is just a snapshot but it comes across as incredibly intense. Saying goodnight on snapchat and expecting a reply? It all sounds very dramatic and social media focused. Maybe his laidbackness triggered you to be needy, I dont know but if I was in his position I wouldnt have wanted to continue either.

Take a deep breath go do stuff that makes you happy and dont date for a while.

Xterminator

Hi OP

You ended things because he could be bothered. You are looking for some kind of gesture from him now, and he couldn't be bothered. At lease he is consistent!

Seriously though, he doesn't owe you an explanation/ego boost etc. If its not spontaneous and genuine, then it wouldn't be worth giving it the time of day. You have made the correct decision and this really just adds the exclamation mark to underline that.

Unanimous

OP, you are not crazy.

It’s normal for people to feel that way when they start sensing that some elements of their interaction with someone is changing.

And this makes them demand when they can see that they are getting less.

Be very weary of those “we hit it off with a great start” type of relationships.

People present an impressive version of themselves to strangers so they can be liked.
But when we like someone, we hold them to a certain standard.

It is clearly not any of your faults but you need to see things from both perspective.
This will help you prevent these unnecessary heart breaks.

A good relationship is not only founded on similar humor, body language, same hobbies etc. in fact they are not necessary for a good relationship. But that seemed to be the key things you were considering when you started falling for him.

He is 10 years older than you so if he really wanted to settle down, he would have been the one asking for something serious.

Plus I am mindful of women’s asking men out because most times, if they is not serious with a girl, some hardly say no. They refuse to say no out of “kindness” or more so for sexual benefits. Only to come back to show lack or enthusiasm over time. Citing the fact that you were more into them and not the other round.

These days people try to encourage women to ask men out. But you can’t tell me he level of effort that men out in a relationship they are sought for is the same as the ones they are seeking.

Pyr0

You handled everything as best you could. Sadly, it just sounds like he wasn't as interested in you as much as he thought he was.

LegacyUser

TheBoyConor wrote: »

Since ye have common interests and are similar personalities then ye should have became friends rather than pushing this relationship business. Especially when ye are both only out of relationships, him a toxic head melter of one.

I have always thought being friends first with someone, would be a good indicator to see if there was potential for a relationship, but we did end up having a one night stand and tbh it was hard to keep our hands off each other once we went the full way.

And that's why I asked what did he want, cause I was worried he might only want me for sex. It's been with experience I feel with most guys.

LegacyUser

zapper55 wrote: »

I'm not surprised he didnt text back, sure what could he say? And it sounds like you were itching for a fight after the break up from your post.

Look what you've said is just a snapshot but it comes across as incredibly intense. Saying goodnight on snapchat and expecting a reply? It all sounds very dramatic and social media focused. Maybe his laidbackness triggered you to be needy, I dont know but if I was in his position I wouldnt have wanted to continue either.

Take a deep breath go do stuff that makes you happy and dont date for a while.

I wasn't looking for a fight. I think I was just looking for some kind of reassurance that he did enjoy our time together too, and I'll admit I was hoping he might say back lets give things another go..... Ya it sounds desperate on my part.

I really don't think I came across needy, I never added this but he did say he would like to be my bf and we agreed to give things a go. So when I didn't get a good night text back from my 'bf'... I was a bit taken back, I found it a but inconsiderate..... So soon after saying we're 'bf and gf'.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi OP

You ended things because he could be bothered. You are looking for some kind of gesture from him now, and he couldn't be bothered. At lease he is consistent!

Seriously though, he doesn't owe you an explanation/ego boost etc. If its not spontaneous and genuine, then it wouldn't be worth giving it the time of day. You have made the correct decision and this really just adds the exclamation mark to underline that.

I wasn't looking for an ego boost.

I was being genuine. I wanted him to know how much I enjoyed my time with him and thought he was a fab guy...... Ull see in my previous reply I admit I was hoping he might look for me back. I thought maybe it might be easier for him to say something over text, but no, no reply.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replys.

The past 24hrs Iv thought to myself I done the right thing, being honest and respecting myself enough to end something, I felt wasn't giving me as much security and mutual likeness as I would have liked.

Spoke with my therapist about it today and now my head is bit of a spin.

She. Mentioned how that perhaps he a guy that just can't show or has the words to express his feelings. And that we all show it in different ways.

Ugh. His concern was we might be too alike and it could be a negative. I was the one that arranges to meet up, but he would go to a lot of effort when cooking meals for me. I did feel really looked after by him. But then when would be sitting on the couch it would have to be me, to make the move and snuggle into him, he never really would have encouraged himself or me to 'snuggle in'.

At times maybe it felt like hard work, but it never stopped me from liking him. I would nearly have kept on seeing him, only for the fact I just couldn't get back or feel, that he had the same. Feelings for me, as I had for me. I know he's likes me, but as much as I like him.? I just don't know.....

Gerianam

Dear OP,
Relationships should not be this hard.
When you find the real deal, there is none of this what if and who makes the first moves and other head melts etc.
I am really sorry but he just was not that bothered and I know it hurts. If he wanted to be with you, he would be.
Chin up now, you sound lovely and there is someone out there for you.

LolaJJ

OP, I'd advise you to try as much as you can to stop trying to read between the lines of what he told you about being too alike etc.

it's quite seldom people give their real motivations as to why they want to end a relationship/fling.

It's likely just the best scenario that he could use to end things with the least amount of hurt.

We've all done it at some point.

Agree 100% with Gerianam, good relationships don't start out like this.

How many love storys do you hear where "He wasn't that in to me at the start, but I eventually convinced him". You're better than that

Porklife

zapper55 wrote: »

I'm not surprised he didnt text back, sure what could he say? And it sounds like you were itching for a fight after the break up from your post.

Look what you've said is just a snapshot but it comes across as incredibly intense. Saying goodnight on snapchat and expecting a reply? It all sounds very dramatic and social media focused. Maybe his laidbackness triggered you to be needy, I dont know but if I was in his position I wouldnt have wanted to continue either.

Take a deep breath go do stuff that makes you happy and dont date for a while.

That's a bit harsh. I don't think it sounds like she was itching for a fight at all, to me it sounds like she was hoping he'd say actually maybe this can work. She was clutching at straws essentially, we've all been there.
Also the goodnight message made her doubt his interest and her intuition kicked in and turns out she was right!
Op you sound lovely and I know it hurts and it's so rare to meet someone who you really click with. It's salt in the wound too when you hear it's because you are too alike, something you thought was a good thing.
He's just not that into you and that's what the real reason is but don't worry because the right guy will be.
Be good to yourself. I always find getting my hair done and buying a new dress makes me feel better. Blast your favourite time, have a glass (bottle) of wino and trust that in just a little while you'll be happy again!
Hugs

LegacyUser

Porklife, your post made my eyes well up. Your spot on, I was and admittedly, still am hoping he might come back and try make it work.

I'm cautious not to get my hopes up.

Thanks a mil for your kind post. X.

bitofabind

You did nothing wrong OP. You just liked a guy and got your hopes up, which is the most human thing in the world. You met him through a mutual hobby too so I'm sure the common interest and build-up made it seem like it had a lot of potential. It sucks, we've all been there and you just have to ride through it. The feelings will pass and you'll move on.

Try to stop over-analysing all of your actions and just let the crap feelings move through you. You'll wonder why, you'll feel hurt and disappointed, you'll wish against reason that things could be different, you'll pine after him. That's all normal and predictable too. Love and relationships are a tricky game, you can't access them without making yourself vulnerable and taking a risk on someone, which you did, and kudos for doing that. When you meet the right person the reward for taking that kind of risk will make all this hurt and pain totally worth it. It doesn't hurt and frustrate like this when it's the right guy.

Please try to be kind to yourself. Have a bath, do a facemask, eat some of your favourite chocolate and curl up on the couch with some Netflix. It's always astonishing to me at how fast we humans are designed to bounce back from these things - you will too. You're going to be fine and this lad isn't going to matter very much at all in a few weeks.

amdublin

Another day another heartbreak wrote: »

Porklife, your post made my eyes well up. Your spot on, I was and admittedly, still am hoping he might come back and try make it work.

I'm cautious not to get my hopes up.

Thanks a mil for your kind post. X.

Breakups are hard aren't they I am feeling for you.

However you need to accept he is not (not should you want him to) coming back.

It is tough to face but this is not the relationship you want it to be. There is better out there for you. And you deserve better

My advice is try out some online apps and some chatting - go on some simple coffee dates and get back out there in the field.

LegacyUser

Hi OP back again.. .. .

So since breaking it off with the guy, there as been a little contact since.

He text me the day before something I was part taking in wishing me good luck and the following day text me well done and fair play etc.. ..

He has since wished me a happy birthday and last week text me again to let me know something I don't want to go into in case I'm identified! But it was something he didn't have to get into contact with me about.

I found his messages were a little bit longer and sounds silly, but he added emojis like as if he was putting a bit more effort in the text.

He's just such a nice guy, I was delighted he text me the few times he did, but at the same time I feel like I'm back to square 1 again and just longing to get back with him.

He didn't have to text me the times he did, I know some will think that's just keeping u in the loop, not letting me go maybe for his own use.. . . But he is a genuine nice guy.. . . It would prob have been better for me if he didn't text at all.

Not gonna lie I'm wishing we could get back together again. We will be attending a wedding soon of a friend in common so will be seeing him again soon. It would be awkward between cause it finished on good terms.

I dunno I just had to let that little rant and longing out.

zapper55

Block him you owe him nothing. A genuine good guy as you described him would have more cop than to text someone giving them false hope when the feelings aren't reciprocated. Now you will prob ignore all this and still hope beyond hope and keep texting him but you are only hurting yourself.

If I was in his position there's no way I'd be texting you happy birthday. It's so cruel to get your hopes up. I'd leave you alone to move on with your life.

tara73

yes, I guess he feels lonely, remembers the good sex and is horny because he hasn't some since you broke off and sees if there's a chance to get any.

sounds blunt and dumb but that's what it is. you can read it here so many times and speaking from experience.

bitofabind

I always find it's the hope that kills you in these situations. You've obviously still got feelings and every time he gets in touch he's essentially dangling the carrot and setting you back again. It's not really fair or compassionate for you and your needs tbh. Doesn't matter how genuine he seems in the day to day.

Try to set aside the emotions and think about what you need in a relationship. You weren't comfortable or happy with the level of communication you were getting from him and if it's bad at the start, it's only going to get worse as things go on. The odd text here and then from him now is a pretty easy lift on his part, but again, don't you need and deserve more?

If it was me, I'd stop replying when he gets in touch and keep it civil but maintain a distance at the wedding. He's signalled a total lack of commitment and intent towards you and you're only hurting yourself here by hoping that he'll change.

LegacyUser

Op here.

Ok I got a different opinion from some people in my life who know the story with me and him.

They thought it was really nice of him to have text me those times, wishing me luck and birthday greetings. They reckon there still could be something there on his part.

He really isn't the kinda of guy to play mind games or mess around with girls.

I'm happy we ended on good terms, we're still friends, I guess I'm just thinking now there is some hope still left, because he got in contact.

Ugh I'm just thinking way too much into this.

Ill admit I was picturing a future with him, I thought it would have been good with all we have in common.

Jimmy Bottlehead

I'd recommend being honest with him, OP. You've done well so far. Next step is to tell him that you do like him, but you can't stay in contact as friends. If he wants a relationship, great. If not then you wish him well, but it has to be no-contact.

Just my 2c.

bitofabind

Sorry OP, but my experience with friends is that they'll always err on the side of optimism on your behalf when it comes to your love life. They'll tell you what you want to hear because they're your friends and they know how much you like him and have probably heard nothing but lovely things about him. Seriously, some of the worst dating advice I've had over the years has been from friends!

You know deep down what the situation is here. I'm sure this bloke is a stand-up guy, but that unfortunately doesn't mean he's a fit for you or can give you what you need.

You could try being honest of course and trying to establish some boundaries based on his response - it might give you some clarity either way.

cannotlogin

Imo , a break up is always easier if you've a reason to dislike someone or they did some thing to hurt you.

In this case, he does seem like a nice guy but the relationship just isn't what he wants, for whatever reason. Knowing the reason won't make any difference but it doesn't change the fact he doesn't want to be with you unfortunately.

In the past, I've been in short relationships where it all looked good on paper, i.e. shared sense of humour, same interests, common friends but for some reason it just wasn't enough. Some might describe it as a spark or chemistry but no matter how much I liked them as a person, there was just something missing that I needed but couldn't explain. Perhaps, he is the same.

In all likelihood, it's not reflection on you. Distract yourself, i.e. exercising, box sets, studying, a project etc. until it doesn't hurt as much.

Take the positives from it and look to the future.

LegacyUser

The thing is I will be seeing him quiet regularly in the next month or 2. We participate in something in common. It will be a few times a week and will involve social outings. All which I do not want to give up.

I don't want to say in case I might get recognised.

I was keeping this in mind before and during our time together, it was a risk I wanted to take. And don't regret taking it either.

I'm feeling a bit better today tbh, think that just the fact it was a long weekend and had a lot of time on my hands to think. Thinking he's out I might bump into him or hoping he would text.

I wish he did do something bad so it be easier.

It's gonna be tough seeing him so regularly again.

ElizaBennett

Excellent point from bitofabind, your friends aren't going to say what will hurt you. They're going to be kind. I agree it's time for openness and honesty. Tell him to leave you alone and stop messaging unless he wants a relationship. Though you can put it less bluntly...

ILoveYourVibes

Your heart will heal. You did the right thing. There is someone right out there for you.

Do some fun things.

zapper55

Yup my worst dating advice has definitely been from friends. I recently rewatched 'He's not that into you'll. That's the type of excellent advice I wish I'd gotten over the years.

AulWan

OP, I do think he likes you as a person.... and I think he would like to continue a friendship with benefits.

But I don't think he wants a proper bf/gf relationship with you. You'll be a placeholder, until he meets someone he does want that with. .

So be kind to yourself. Don't reply to the texts, smile and be friendly when you see him at the wedding, but keep a friend between you at all times, and don't get tempted - or over indulge in the fizzy drinks!

Keep your eyes and heart open for someone else.

SusieBlue

zapper55 wrote: »

Yup my worst dating advice has definitely been from friends. I recently rewatched 'He's not that into you'll. That's the type of excellent advice I wish I'd gotten over the years.

YES. Do this OP. I also recently watched this while struggling with a similar issue to you and it really helped me see the wood from the trees.

If he wanted to be with you he would have no qualms about comitting to you.
If there was any issue causing a setback with that, he would be working towards resolving that issue so he could be with you.
He hasn't done that, and the "why's" or "how's" are irrelevant.
You could spend all day analysing whether he's too laid back or maybe not that interested, or even just scared of the label. The answer doesn't matter, because the facts are the same - if he really, really wanted to be your boyfriend, nothing would stop him.

All you need to know is that nothing has changed and that while you're gushing over his sweet texts, you can't give your attention to making a meangingful connection with someone else. You're wasting your own time.

Don't doubt that if he did a 180 and decided he actually did want a relationship with you, he'd make that very clear. He'd be bursting to let you know about his change of heart, for fear of losing you.
He hasn't done that. Instead he's dangled some carrotts to keep you interested while not offering you anything more than he was before. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

You're better than this OP, don't fall for it. If he wanted to, he would, and he hasn't. Keep repeating that to yourself.

amdublin

I don't want to generalize...but I'm going to lol

*will add an "imo" and "based on my opinion" to make it less of a generalisation.

Men don't play games/send cryptic messages. If he wanted to go with you again he would text you and say this.

Men say what they mean. A birthday text is literally a birthday text.

A woman might send a birthday text when it really means an excuse to get back in contact and start talking again leading to asking out etc.

It's true "he's just not that into you". I'm sorry, that sounds a little cold/is hard to handle right now. But in the long run will help you.

LegacyUser

Apologies clicked on reply by accident....

Anyway he dropp me off, I said to him was good to see him and I'm glad were still friendsetc.
He told me I looked very nice and that ya he was glad we were still having a bit of banter.

At that point I could have asked, do u wanna stay at mine.... But I didn't!! I'm kinda proud I didn't, and I'm pretty certain he was expecting me to ask.

As much as I wanted to ride him, I'm happy birthday stuck to my word. Something inside me just wasn't gonna allow for it to happen. And I kept thinking of the replys I got from here, which did help keep me on the straight.

Took the advice also to watch he's just not that into.... Brilliant movie and brill advice!

I feel like since doing that last night, not inviting him in, really gave me power and proved that no matter how tempting someone is, I can't go with my gut and say no.

zapper55

Fair play

banoffe2

well done OP