The benefits of starting a family young

JupiterKid

Following on from the thread about grandparents and whether posters knew them and when they passed away, it seems the most posters knew at least one grandparent, and sometimes three or all four, even one or two instances where their great-grandparents were known to them.

On the other hand, there are posters who either never knew any grandparents because they died before they were born and those who also sadly lost their parents at a young age.

Is there something to be said for getting hitched and having your children whilst in your 20s or early 30s? When I was growing up, most of my friends’ parents married in their 20s and had the last of their children by their mid to late 30s. My own mother and father married in the late 1960s when they were 24 and 27 respectively, had my sisters in the two following years and I, the youngest of my siblings, came along when my mum was 32 and my dad was 35. My sister had her children in her early 30s.

These days, most Irish people don’t seem to start a family until well into their 30s, for many reasons including wanting to establish a career before marriage, having a very active social life in their 20s, travelling, and of course the housing situation which has forced people to remain in the parental home until they are 30 or older. The fact that both parents must work full time has of course also raised the age at which women have children.

Most of my friends who have children have had them in the past 10 years and we are all in our early to mid 40s now. A couple of them have told me that ideally they’d have had their children earlier as very young children can be very exhausting in your 40s - they require a lot of work and responsibility.

Does it have to be this way? Or are the problems and challenges of having a young family relatively late in life overstated? Does society and the world of work need to change to make starting a family young easier for people? Is the trend of having children at an ever increasing age sustainable? Will something have to give?

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Absolutely. Have your family while you're young. You are closer to their wavelength and as they mature you can share so many more moments. Having grandchildren while your in your 50s allows you enjoy them, be part of their lives and for them to get to know you while you're fit and well.

gctest50

Lowers chances of problems, once yer old your dna is battered to bits

you'd see it with ds

tldr: It's later than you think, get a move on

Scarinae

I think the jobs situation has a huge part in this too as (in some career areas at least) getting a full-time, permanent job takes a while. I can understand why people would be nervous to start a family when they're on a fixed-term contract.

maccored

i became a dad in my early twenties. dont regret it. Im 50 now and I wouldnt have the energy to be arsed running after kids. plus im having all that early twenties freedom now - when i can enjoy it all more fully. I had no job when I got married but I got one pretty sharpish once I had a child to feed.

sportsfan90

In an ideal world, having your family while you're young is a good idea.

But the reality is that the majority of twenty-something relationships end for whatever reason. If there's kids involved that makes moving on with your life much more difficult.

Dating apps are full of people in their mid/late 20's and early 30's who have kids with the wrong person from previous relationships. Previous threads on here tell me that many single parents find it difficult to find a new partner because some potential partners are put off by the children.

Having said all that, becoming a grandparent while you're still young, fit and able to play with them must be fantastic so there's definite benefits to it too.

Probably the ideal. Might be on less money when the kids are young but it's amazing how well people can manage when they have to. Hitting 50 with kids gone, mortgage paid and highest wages of your life to do what you want with sounds nice.

Chinasea

You don't worry so much.

Princess Calla

There are alot of advantages and disadvantages in to both options I think.

My mam like most of her generation had hers young, 3 by time she was 24! I was an accident that happened years later

My sister's also had their children young.

I on the other hand had mine late.

My sister's have grandchildren older than my children and to be honest I'm envious of that. I may never meet my grandchildren!

However I have built a career, I bought my house on my own (small House) so I've experienced alot more financial stability than they did.

But by the time they were my age their children were reared, I'm drowning in nappies

They are now doing the travelling they missed out on in their 20's luckily they still have their health.

I'll be honest and say from an energy point of view I would have liked to have them younger but then there would be financial sacrifices.

I don't think there's a right way or wrong one, but there's no escaping the science part of fertility. I was extremely lucky it happened for us as soon as we decided which was abit of a shock

s7ryf3925pivug

I didnt read any of that or any of the replies but yeah I think almost every day about how I could shrug off the effects of sleep deprivation so easily when I was younger, how much energy I had. I'm 40, my kid is one, and I'm wiped all the time. But yeah in my twenties I had not money to provide, nor a partner you would want to raise a kid with. Also I was a bit of an idiot - though I reckon I'd have grown out of that quickly if there was a baby on the scene.

AulWan

How young is young exactly? I wouldn't recommend anyone start having kids at 18, but I do think its better to start before turning 30 so you'll have some freedom in your 50s. However, I understand why many feel they can't do that.

I had my first at 27, and second at 29. I'm in my early fifties now, mortgage nearly paid off and kids are reared and are not financially dependent on me. I wouldn't like to still be raising tweens or early teens now.

rainbow kirby

I had mine in my early 30s (31 and 33). Felt like about the right time tbh, I wouldn't have been in a stable position to provide for them before that.

SEPT 23 1989

Became a father at 21 second child at 30

Should have had three in my 20’s looking back

20’s is the time you have the energy for it

Wouldn’t like to be 60 arguing with a teenager

Thelonious Monk

It seems less educated poorer people have kids very young and those with good jobs and money etc have them late. My brother just had one at 43 and he's neither has a good job or education or is particularly poor so he's a bit all over the shop!
I will never understand why people are so keen on having kids, I think I'm missing that part of my brain.

Greyfox

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I will never understand why people are so keen on having kids, I think I'm missing that part of my brain.

Same here. Yes there are positives but they are vastly outweighed by the negatives.

For those having them I think it's silly to talk about the best age as everyone is different and so many people don't find the right partner until there much older. It's all about when feels right for you but you definitely need to live your life a bit before you have any

Sinus pain

I had my first at 19. He’s 22 now and I’m 41. I also have a 19 yr old and a 15 year old. I’m glad I had them young. I sometimes mind my nieces and nephews and they exhaust me! My Mam died young and I’m so happy she got to meet all my children - she only got to meet one other grandchild.

touts

Had ours in our early-mid 30s. Is it hard work. Yes. Will we still have them in the house until we are nearly 60. Yes. But you know what we both enjoyed our 20s and the first few years together without kids. We did things we won't do regardless of being in our 40s or 50s or our 60s and finally child free because you only do them in your 20s. Hopefully come our late 50s early 60s we'll still be fresh enough to enjoy life without kids. Early to mid 30s is the time to have kids because that way you get the best of both worlds.

The Bishop Basher

I’m 46 with 2 young adult daughters and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I know people say you can’t be friends with your kids but that’s not true, they’re two of my best pals.

One will probably be living here forever and the other will be going traveling in a year or 2.

There were definitely huge cons in having them young. I wasn’t financially as secure and I was an immature ****wit for about 15 years. Age certainly does bring a little patience and wisdom.

But I wouldn’t change any of it regardless and more importantly, nor would they.

Swings and roundabouts and each to their own..

banie01

We were 24/25 when we had ours.
Just the 1, we were in a good position financially.
We were 8yrs together at that stage and that point it was **** or get off the pot :P

I'd always known I only wanted 1, being the eldest of 8 has coloured me against having a large family of my own.

The decisions and motivations behind having kids and family size, the when and how of having and affording them is a minefield.

My son and I lost his mam when he was just 3 and if nothing else...
It just drives home a maxim of life!
Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face!
My son wasn't planned, but he was far from unwanted.
We were in the middle of buying a house and getting set back up in Ireland after some years abroad and even if we weren't..
We would have made it work.

There are of course benefits to having your kids younger.
Less risk to the Mother in pregnancy, less high risk for baby and mam, more energy and recovery power for mum and dad.
Versus the benefits of possible greater financial security and domestic stability of a little older.

I will be "done" by the his "18" measure in 3 yrs!
I joke that I have a pile of boxes ready for his big move on his 18th Bday!

Truth is, as most parents will no doubt attest.
You are never done, he will always be my boy.
He is already at 15, a far better man than I...
But man or not, he is my boy and I hope that as he grows into adulthood he will allow me to be his friend.

Raconteuse

I know there are lots of advantages to having children young, but... you're young! And it's the biggest commitment you'll ever have. Having children in late 30s/40s seems tough too though.

People are talking as if it's just one or the other however. There's an in-between. End of 20s to mid 30s seems the right age window, in my opinion.

Depends too though. I mean, if you're in a long-term relationship and financially secure at 25/26 and you've done all your college and travelling and partying - might as well start then. Lots of people aren't ready relationship wise/finances wise by that age nowadays though.

Auldloon

I’m 47 my wife is 40, we’ve got 2 under 25 months and we’re loving life

Raconteuse

Auldloon wrote: »

I’m 47 my wife is 40, we’ve got 2 under 25 months and we’re loving life

There's that situation too. Sometimes you won't meet the right person until relatively late on.

My uncle and his wife were about the same. Three children. He's in his 60s now, she's nearly 60. They don't look a bit of it (they look after themselves too, but the kids keep them young also) and they still hold hands like two besotted teenagers. Their boys are healthy and happy. And they're the most chilled out, laidback people you could meet!

Auldloon

Raconteuse wrote: »

There's that situation too. Sometimes you won't meet the right person until relatively late on.
!

Exactly! We met 5 years ago and knew quickly that we wanted to try for a baby. Then it took a few years of trying before 2 in quick succession! It’s definitely made us both more aware of our health and fitness!

ceadaoin.

I had my daughter at 29. Didnt feel that young at the time but I'm glad of it now. Seems like a good age.

When I was doing my leaving cert there were a couple of girls pregnant in my year. Obviously that's too young but those kids are fully grown adults now and the mothers only mid-late 30s. I mean, I can see the advantages of that. But I can't imagine possibly being a grandparent at my age

Zorya

I had my first at 22, whats nice now is I have children who are grownups and we have really good vibes between us. Plus its kinda cool when I say my kid is 30 and people say it aint possible, sure yer just a wee pup yerself

JupiterKid

JupiterKid wrote: »

Following on from the thread about grandparents and whether posters knew them and when they passed away, it seems the most posters knew at least one grandparent, and sometimes three or all four, even one or two instances where their great-grandparents were known to them.

On the other hand, there are posters who either never knew any grandparents because they died before they were born and those who also sadly lost their parents at a young age.

Is there something to be said for getting hitched and having your children whilst in your 20s or early 30s? When I was growing up, most of my friends’ parents married in their 20s and had the last of their children by their mid to late 30s. My own mother and father married in the late 1960s when they were 24 and 27 respectively, had my sisters in the two following years and I, the youngest of my siblings, came along when my mum was 32 and my dad was 35. My sister had her children in her early 30s.

These days, most Irish people don’t seem to start a family until well into their 30s, for many reasons including wanting to establish a career before marriage, having a very active social life in their 20s, traveling, and of course the housing situation which has forced people to remain in the parental home until they are 30 or older. The fact that both parents must work full time has of course also raised the age at which women have children.

Most of my friends who have children have had them in the past 10 years and we are all in our early to mid 40s now. A couple of them have told me that ideally they’d have had their children earlier as very young children can be very exhausting in your 40s - they require a lot of work and responsibility.

Does it have to be this way? Or are the problems and challenges of having a young family relatively late in life overstated? Does society and the world of work need to change to make starting a family young easier for people? Is the trend of having children at an ever increasing age sustainable? Will something have to give?

I suspect there are great advantages in being a little more mature when your kid(s) arrive. My own Dad was in his 50's when I was born, I'm aiming to rise to his mark but it isn't easy. I'm not wise, not patient, and I haven't lived through enough decades to teach my kid anything she can't learn from wikipedia.

I think people underestimate the importance of having parents who have a conisderable level of life experience behind them.

Grandparents: There is a small number of people for whom their grandparents were de-facto parents; for most of us, our grandparents were just background information. I wouldn't worry too much about kids not having their grandparents around. If you read that Grandparents thread closely, you might notice that nobody actually talks about missing their grandparents. They talk about worrying about their own parents not bring around. But that's the point -- their kids will always have (hopefully both) parents. They're the crucial factors themselves, not their parents, i.e. the kids' grandparents.

Have your kids at any age. I was 31 when my daughter was born. She's great, but I'd have preferred to be a bit more mature. Unless we're talking 60+, I really don't think age is a limiting factor whatsoever. Quite the opposite.

Plumbthedepths

I was 19 when my son was born, my partner was 20. We were young and things were a struggle for several years. Work etc plus tbh I was still growing up myself. My partner was the adult. My son now is 28 and I'm 47, he is settled in a secure public sector job after 4 years of Uni. My other son is 20 next birthday and is on a 4 year degree course in Limerick. Both of them never really knew their greatgrandfathers but got to know and love their greatgrandmothers, all their grandparents are still alive. I have a great relationship with both my son's as does their mum. Conversation is easy due to the closeness of our ages imho. Despite how tough life was when I was 19 I couldn't imagine having my kids later. Kids raised my wife and I go on holidays several times a year and are still young enough to enjoy them.

Cookie_Monster

Raconteuse wrote: »

People are talking as if it's just one or the other however. There's an in-between. End of 20s to mid 30s seems the right age window, in my opinion.

There's an even better option, don't have any at all!

PixelTrawler

I'm 42. Herself is 40. Our twins turn 1 this month. I can tell you it's exhausting. But there was no way I was ready for kids earlier.

Plus we've both got decent jobs. So we're comfortable money wise even with two creche fees and a mortgage.

So there's benefits to having them later too.

Of course there's the scenario down to road of college fees and approaching retirement to worry about. But the mortgage will be cleared by then and a fund for college being started.

izzyflusky

I don't think there is an ideal age, the all have their pros and cons.

I had my first at 24, husband was 35. We are having our third, and last, early next year, I'll be 31 and himself 42. I can say that even though he is older than me, I can see a huge difference patience wise compared to when we had our first to how it is now.
Also, I went on to do my master's when the eldest was 1 year old (while I worked full time), it was incredibly tough and you can see how much closer he is to his dad, even to this day. I missed out on a lot.

In saying that, I will be 37 when he starts secondary school and early 40s when the last does so I'm looking forward to that. But I wouldn't change our timing either. The age gap between my husband and me also wouldn't really make it fair to have waited much longer. He still thinks he is pushing it with this last one.

AulWan

A Tyrant Named Miltiades! wrote: »

I suspect there are great advantages in being a little more mature when your kid(s) arrive. My own Dad was in his 50's when I was born, I'm aiming to rise to his mark but it isn't easy. I'm not wise, not patient, and I haven't lived through enough decades to teach my kid anything she can't learn from wikipedia.

Unpopular opinion maybe, I think anyone waiting to have children at that stage of life is selfishly thinking of their own desires, rather then the welfare of the children, who will be barely adults themselves when they will probably have to become nurses to rapidly ageing parents entering their seventies. I don't think its
fair on the kids.

lleti

Having your family young is definitely the best thing.

My parents were mid 20's when they had kids. I'm now late 20's and they're still fit enough to do activities, go places, work etc.

We're all now mature enough to not cause issues and all help each other.

I'm approaching 30 and still single so if I have kids at all it'll be close to 40 and you're near retirnement age by the time they grow up.

kowloon

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

Became a father at 21 second child at 30

Should have had three in my 20’s looking back

20’s is the time you have the energy for it

Wouldn’t like to be 60 arguing with a teenager

Why three?

Scarinae

AulWan wrote: »

Unpopular opinion maybe, I think anyone waiting to have children at that stage of life is selfishly thinking of their own desires, rather then the welfare of the children, who will be barely adults themselves when they will probably have to become nurses to rapidly ageing parents entering their seventies. I don't think its
fair on the kids.

Ah here, if they were entering their nineties maybe, but 70 isn't that old really and these days most people entering their seventies aren't that dependent on their adult children. My parents are that age and are still active, doing gardening, going to concerts etc - we're a long way off 'becoming their nurses'

Doop

maccored wrote: »

i became a dad in my early twenties. dont regret it. Im 50 now and I wouldnt have the energy to be arsed running after kids. plus im having all that early twenties freedom now - when i can enjoy it all more fully.

Would you not rather have your 'early twenties freedom' while you are in your early twenties??

charlietheminxx

I think it's definitely better to have them in your twenties if you can in terms of energy etc. but it's not realistic for a lot of people, including myself (32 and not quite there yet).

Princess Calla

Scarinae wrote: »

Ah here, if they were entering their nineties maybe, but 70 isn't that old really and these days most people entering their seventies aren't that dependent on their adult children. My parents are that age and are still active, doing gardening, going to concerts etc - we're a long way off 'becoming their nurses'

That's your experience. Not everyone is that lucky. While mortality rates increase each generation there will always be exceptions.

One of my friends buried both her parents close together in their 60s.
I have a family member given weeks to live in their late 40s they will leave teenagers behind.

While all of us want our parents and want ourselves to live a long healthy life it's not always the case unfortunately.

Forty Seven

I'm 42, she's 31 and we have a one week old. Have a 12 and 10 year old too.

Still have 2 of my grandparents in their 90s. My grandad still drives. (We wish he wouldn't) Partner has one grandparent left and she's much younger than me.

My dad is dead but my mother still alive. One thing from our generation is the extended families of step parents. These barely existed a generation before. Now they seem to be the norm. Doesn't bode well for any long term plans these days.

AulWan

Scarinae wrote: »

Ah here, if they were entering their nineties maybe, but 70 isn't that old really and these days most people entering their seventies aren't that dependent on their adult children. My parents are that age and are still active, doing gardening, going to concerts etc - we're a long way off 'becoming their nurses'

Look up the sandwich generation.

You're lucky if both your parents are fit and able at 70. My own father died at 57, leaving a 2 year old behind him.

fattymuatty

I had my two at 21 and 23, the first wasn't planned, with the second I didn't want a big age gap between them, I wanted the baby years done and dusted in one go.

Sometimes I think my God what was I thinking having them so young? I do feel like I missed out on a lot of the young, free and single(I'm still with their Dad so perhaps I wouldn't have experienced the single thing anyway). It was difficult to find my feet with a career but I have my own business now doing something I adore and I doubt I would be doing if I hadn't have settled down so young. They are also old enough that they don't need constant watching so I can focus on work, there is no way I would be able to do what I do and the hours I do with young children.

On the plus side I never felt sleep deprived when they were small, I could stay up with them half the night and be grand the next day. I took to motherhood really easily and never found the early years a struggle, even though we had no wider family support due to distance and other things it wasn't an issue. I have found the whole thing so far a pleasure really if I am honest.

I don't know if my way was the 'right way' but we are happy, I have a great relationship with my children so far(they are 12 and 9 so who knows what the teenage years hold!) and I am looking forward to my forties and having a grown family.Because I did it the way I did I can't imagine starting a family in my forties, and being in my 50s with children the same age as mine, sure my own parents are only in their 50s.

griffin100

I had my first kid at 31 and my last at 38. The oldest is 15 the youngest 8, so not that long ago. At the time I thought I was old having my first kid, or at least around the average. Now that’s considered young! I’ll be in my late 50’s when my youngest leaves school and I realise now that’s actually quite young. I plan to retire by 60 at the latest.

My parents were 18 and 20 getting married and are had 5 kids by their early 30’s. They’re now both mid 60’s and spend most of their time on holidays, so maybe they had the right idea!

My wife owns a Creche and she’ll tell you the average age of first time ‘professional’ parents is now well into their 40’s. I don’t know how they do it, I’d be bolloxed if I had to start at my age again with a new baby!

suicide_circus

its not my fault no one wanted me to impregnate them when i was 20

My parents were still at University when they had my two eldest siblings. They went on to have another, and then nine years later they had a lovely surprise - me. It was a bit of a spanner in the works for them but my mum always told me that I was the baby they didn't know they really wanted but I turned out to be the best :P

They were grandparents in their 50's, which was great for them and for the grandkids. Unfortunately my mother died far too young last year so my future family will never know her, which is tough to think about.

I'm 32 and my partner is 41, our first is due next spring.

Digs

I met my husband at 20 (he was 27), bought a house at 23, married at 26, first baby at 27 and third and final baby at 33 last year. My parents had a similar timeline and we have a great relationship, they’re just 60 and are so healthy and active and their relationship with their grandchildren is fantastic, having grandparents around is really one of the greatest gifts for kids (in my opinion). I’m looking forward to the freedom my 40s and 50s will bring, I feel like I’ll be able to appreciate the lie ins and time to ourselves! Like a PP said I wasn’t single for my 20s so don’t feel I’ve missed much to be honest. Although we managed a bit of traveling before kids arrived.

Life happens when you’re busy making plans. My husband buried both his parents in his 20s when they were in their 50s. He feels it now more then ever since having children of his own and it’s a kick in the guts for him they’ll never meet.

eviltwin

We were 19 and 23 having our first and 32 and 35 having our second and I would not change that for anything. It's great to be early 40s and finished with all that and have time to enjoy ourselves. I really couldn't cope with small children at this stage of my life.

Having a baby young helps you get your priorities right. We were saving for a house in our early 20s when most of our peers were buying crap. I will hopefully have my mortgage paid by the time I'm 45, I'm not sure I'd be this fortunate if I hadn't had a child young.

eviltwin

Candie wrote: »

My parents were still at University when they had my two eldest siblings. They went on to have another, and then nine years later they had a lovely surprise - me. It was a bit of a spanner in the works for them but my mum always told me that I was the baby they didn't know they really wanted but I turned out to be the best :P

They were grandparents in their 50's, which was great for them and for the grandkids. Unfortunately my mother died far too young last year so my future family will never know her, which is tough to think about.

I'm 32 and my partner is 41, our first is due next spring.

Congratulations Candie, delighted for you x

RhubarbCrumble

I'm 40 and Mr Crumble is older than me.
I'm still waiting for that biological clock that was supposed to start ticking at least five years ago. If it hasn't kicked in now, then I think I'm safe enough in saying it's never going to!

eviltwin

Doop wrote: »

Would you not rather have your 'early twenties freedom' while you are in your early twenties??

Can't speak for that poster but I know in my 20s I had no money to enjoy life. Freedom was a few pints in the local, the freedom that comes with a professional wage is far superior

banie01

Doop wrote: »

Would you not rather have your 'early twenties freedom' while you are in your early twenties??

You don't actually appreciate the freedom that early 20's freedom affords you, if you have it in your early 20's tho!

I would have seen having kids in my 20’s as a major sacrifice for both career and social life and and would really feel that those who had kids young missed out on having the freedom to enjoy life during probably one of the best periods of your life from 20 to 30. Being tied down with kids was as far away from what I wanted as you could possibly get.

Having kids in your mid 30’s isn’t near as big an upheaval as you are more settled down, more money coming in, more established in your career. You can’t still have your social life etc as it’s much more weekend oriented for nights out etc where as in your 20’s you might want to be out two midweek nights a week etc.

Squall Leonhart

I don't think it's as simple as saying "have kids in your 20s"...

Many people either:

Haven't met somebody yet
Not sure their partner is who they want a child with
Want kids but can't afford it
Want kids and run into fertility issues

It's not necessarily by choice for many that they are childless in their younger years. Or many people have unplanned pregnancies in teens or early 20s and have a 10+ year gap before a second child. I think it's perhaps a little high and mighty of some to proclaim "have kids young, like I did", when it's likely/possible there was a strong element of luck (finding a suitable partner) or misfortune that worked out (accidental teen pregnancy).

It will happen when it happens, or maybe not at all despite what many of us may wish.