Am I being unreasonable

generalmental

Have a bit of an issue at the moment.

Live in rural-ish Ireland with the wife and kids.
I am heading off for a few days away, I will have the only car in the family with me. My wife is learning to drive, is OK with the driving but not really experienced enough at the moment.

She will have to use public transport to get the kids to school which really is a pain with lots of waiting around. She seems to think that I should leave her with the car so she can get the kids to school, I am flat out refusing and have told her that she isn't ready to drive the car on her own with the kids in it,let alone the fact she only has a provisional licence.

This has actually caused world war 3 and I am being told that I'm a selfish B and I am leaving my kids in the lurch. I wouldn't mind but before I booked this trip I told her that she would have to get the public transport and I said I wouldn't go if she thought it would be a problem but told me to book it because she assumed I would leave her the car.

Any thoughts.

randomname2005

generalmental wrote: »

Have a bit of an issue at the moment.

Live in rural-ish Ireland with the wife and kids.
I am heading off for a few days away, I will have the only car in the family with me. My wife is learning to drive, is OK with the driving but not really experienced enough at the moment.

She will have to use public transport to get the kids to school which really is a pain with lots of waiting around. She seems to think that I should leave her with the car so she can get the kids to school, I am flat out refusing and have told her that she isn't ready to drive the car on her own with the kids in it,let alone the fact she only has a provisional licence.

This has actually caused world war 3 and I am being told that I'm a selfish B and I am leaving my kids in the lurch. I wouldn't mind but before I booked this trip I told her that she would have to get the public transport and I said I wouldn't go if she thought it would be a problem but told me to book it because she assumed I would leave her the car.

Any thoughts.

She can't drive without a full license holder. Is that even possible?
If she agreed then you are in the right

eoinfitzokk

generalmental wrote: »

Have a bit of an issue at the moment.

Live in rural-ish Ireland with the wife and kids.
I am heading off for a few days away, I will have the only car in the family with me. My wife is learning to drive, is OK with the driving but not really experienced enough at the moment.

She will have to use public transport to get the kids to school which really is a pain with lots of waiting around. She seems to think that I should leave her with the car so she can get the kids to school, I am flat out refusing and have told her that she isn't ready to drive the car on her own with the kids in it,let alone the fact she only has a provisional licence.

This has actually caused world war 3 and I am being told that I'm a selfish B and I am leaving my kids in the lurch. I wouldn't mind but before I booked this trip I told her that she would have to get the public transport and I said I wouldn't go if she thought it would be a problem but told me to book it because she assumed I would leave her the car.

Any thoughts.

If this trip is personal then therein may be the problem. Maybe she does not want you to go on this trip, especially if it's not essential for say work for which it could be.

Assuming it is essential and as the public transport is a pain in your area, cam you ask a favour of a neighbour to help ye out?

banie01

Your wife is a learner?
Does she have a full license?
If not, its illegal for her to drive the car if not accompanied by a fully licensed driver.

No full license, no business driving the car IMO.

generalmental

randomname2005 wrote: »

She can't drive without a full license holder. Is that even possible?
If she agreed then you are in the right

I don't know why but she doesn't seem to get this point. She is normally the level headed one of the two of us.

generalmental

eoinfitzokk wrote: »

If this trip is personal then therein may be the problem. Maybe she does not want you to go on this trip, especially if it's not essential for say work for which it could be.

Assuming it is essential and as the public transport is a pain in your area, cam you ask a favour of a neighbour to help ye out?

Yes the trip is personal, but she was sitting beside me when I was booking the trip. I did say that I wouldn't go if there was a problem with the public transport arrangements but I was told to go.

Neighbour can't do it either they are gone away to.

generalmental

banie01 wrote: »

Your wife is a learner?
Does she have a full license?
If not, its illegal for her to drive the car if not accompanied by a fully licensed driver.

No full license, no business driving the car IMO.

I don't know why she is not getting this. Plus the lack of experience and kids possibly bickering in the back. That is off putting to the many experienced drivers.

Dial Hard

How do the kids normally get to school?

kirving

It's illegal for her to drive - end of story.

You are leaving her isolated though. Could you come to a compromise where you leave her plenty of money for taxis?

I'm not suggesting you leave her "pocket money" or anything of the sort - it's both ye're money after all, but can you take something out of your savings or the like so that it is you giving her the money?

How long is the trip? Drop her off at a city hotel for the weekend with the kids if you can afford it? Something for them all to do?

generalmental

Dial Hard wrote: »

How do the kids normally get to school?

I normally drive them to school.

LegacyUser

Prebook and pay for taxis each way. Dragging kids solo on public transport in the lashing rain is miserable.

I’m sure you’ve cared for them solo for days on end many times, so you’ll appreciate that adding in crowded buses and the soaking wet is the last thing you want.

generalmental

Kevin Irving wrote: »

It's illegal for her to drive - end of story.

You are leaving her isolated though. Could you come to a compromise where you leave her plenty of money for taxis?

I'm not suggesting you leave her "pocket money" or anything of the sort - it's both ye're money after all, but can you take something out of your savings or the like so that it is you giving her the money?

How long is the trip? Drop her off at a city hotel for the weekend with the kids if you can afford it? Something for them all to do?

She is saying that she is going to get taxis, which I reckon will cost about €100.
I will be gone for 3 days.
I honestly would like her to take a few days to herself have a spa day etc. We never really get the chance to do much for ourselves these days and I did tell her that I wouldn't go if there was going to be a problem.

strandroad

Was she perhaps planning on having someone supervise her driving? Clearly she can't drive on her own yet.

Rural public transport to school and back is hardly an attractive option, taxis sound like a good compromise.

generalmental

strandroad wrote: »

Was she perhapsplanning on having someone supervise her driving? Clearly she can't drive on her own yet.

No she was convinced I would leave the car with her.

punisher5112

Just go, don't even bring it up again..

Women are always right.

On the driving the car she can be fined heavily, find it extremely difficult to get insurance again, points and you yourself can be fined for letting her drive.

Sittingpretty

Tell her is she can source a fully licensed driver for the three days you are away to accompany her and your children on the school run, it’s a deal.

Otherwise it’s illegal and she shouldn’t even be contemplating it.

hickory

I get your point but I also get hers. Taking kids to school on public transport doesnt seem great option to me. It's in essence 4 trips for her given she has to get home after dropping them. Taxis seem like only option to me, if you want the trip away then I think you should agree to the 100 euro. In essence your other option is to go away over a weekend to avoid hassle with school

Bob Harris

hickory wrote: »

I get your point but I also get hers. Taking kids to school on public transport doesnt seem great option to me. It's in essence 4 trips for her given she has to get home after dropping them. Taxis seem like only option to me, if you want the trip away then I think you should agree to the 100 euro. In essence your other option is to go away over a weekend to avoid hassle with school

4 trips a day for 3 days on public transport. Boo-hoo.

banie01

punisher5112 wrote: »

Just go, don't even bring it up again..

Women are always right.

On the driving the car she can be fined heavily, find it extremely difficult to get insurance again, points and you yourself can be fined for letting her drive.

Along with seizure of the vehicle should she be caught, aswell as leading to impound charges that accrue daily.
It could also mean forfeiture or destruction of the vehicle is also quite possible

And as Punisher said, by allowing your wife to drive your vehicle unaccompanied, you are also committing an offence and would be subject to sanction too if she was stopped.

Seth Brundle

generalmental wrote: »

My wife is learning to drive, is OK with the driving but not really experienced enough at the moment.

Your wife does not have a licence, full, provisional or otherwise.
She has a learners permit which allows her to be taught.
She is unlikely to be insured on her own. The car will be impounded if she is caught and from an insurance perspective she can expect massive difficulties for driving unaccompanied.
What she wants is not exactly in anyone's best interests!

meeeeh

Bob Harris wrote: »

4 trips a day for 3 days on public transport. Boo-hoo.

In rural-ish area? If public transport is anything like what it is where I live then taxi it is. 100 Euro is not a huge amount to pay so you can get away.

Bob Harris

meeeeh wrote: »

In rural-ish area? If public transport is anything like what it is where I live then taxi it is. 100 Euro is not a huge amount to pay so you can get away.

It's 3 days. It's not ideal but hardly walking 5 miles barefoot in the driving rain.

uck51js9zml2yt

Not being unreasonable. She is not insured to drive on her own.

Good luck!

skallywag

generalmental wrote: »

She will have to use public transport to get the kids to school which really is a pain with lots of waiting around.

How far is the bus-stop etc from your house, and how long does the journey take?

meeeeh

Bob Harris wrote: »

It's 3 days. It's not ideal but hardly walking 5 miles barefoot in the driving rain.

Yes and for the sake of 100 euros it would cause even bigger row. You might think wife will be put in her place but realistically that could mean the end of trips away and frosty relationship. I think it would be incredibly shabby if the partner who goes away resented 100 euros for a taxi.

That being said I think it's very irresponsible to live in an area where you are dependent on your own car and not drive.

skallywag

meeeeh wrote: »

That being said I think it's very irresponsible to live in an area where you are dependent on your own car and not drive.

The OP's wife is currently learning how to drive, to be fair.

Bob Harris

meeeeh wrote: »

Yes and for the sake of 100 euros it would cause even bigger row. You might think wife will be put in her place but realistically that could mean the end of trips away and frosty relationship. I think it would be incredibly shabby if the partner who goes away resented 100 euros for a taxi.

That being said I think it's very irresponsible to live in an area where you are dependent on your own car and not drive.

No-one is talking about putting anyone in their place.
She is being unreasonable and potentially causing a major issue if caught driving.
Not to mention that she told him he'd be leaving the children in the lurch by not leaving her the car.

Lackey

generalmental wrote: »

She is saying that she is going to get taxis, which I reckon will cost about €100.
.

Problem is solved so.

cj maxx

It sounds like your wife didn't understand she cant drive when she agreed to this.
If caught she will be fined for driving with no licence , no insurance as well I think and run the risk of the car been lifted.
100 euro in taxis is money well spent

Toots

I think €100 is a small price to pay if it keeps your wife happy and the kids safe.

Aside from the fact that if she's caught driving unaccompanied the car will be seized, and you will both be fined, the main concern is the safety of everyone in the car.

How long was she learning when you booked the trip and how long ago was it booked? Did she think she'd have her licence by now and the car wouldn't be a problem?

In fairness though, booking a trip away and leaving her to take public transport with the kids, possibly in the lashing rain etc is kinda lousy, particularly when she has no other option to get around. I can see why she thought you'd leave her the car, but the reality is that's not an option.

C3PO

As others have suggested - using taxis in your absence seems to be a fair compromise!

SusanC10

It's illegal for your wife to drive unaccompanied. End of.

Personally, I think that your wife does not want you to go on this trip for whatever reason and that is the real reason behind the row. Just my opinion though.

weetiepie

I think because its your responsibility to bring your children to school, you should be the one sorting out how they get to school in your absence. This has nothing to do with your wife. You are the one taking away their mode of transport in getting to and from school, therefore you should be the one organising how the get to /from.

Whether that be taxis, as has been suggested or asking family or friends to pick up or drop off.

I love how some have suggested that your wife just doesnt want you to go on your planned trip, it's laughable.

lunamoon

weetiepie wrote: »

I think because its your responsibility to bring your children to school, you should be the one sorting out how they get to school in your absence. This has nothing to do with your wife. You are the one taking away their mode of transport in getting to and from school, therefore you should be the one organising how the get to /from.

Whether that be taxis, as has been suggested or asking family or friends to pick up or drop off.

I love how some have suggested that your wife just doesnt want you to go on your planned trip, it's laughable.

Agree with this.

Since you usually bring them it's up to you to arrange for them to be dropped off and collected.

Seth Brundle

lunamoon wrote: »

Agree with this.

Since you usually bring them it's up to you to arrange for them to be dropped off and collected.

Surely as a couple they need to discuss it but it doesn't give the wife the automatic right to break the law

dvdman1

If the vehicle registration certificate is in your name and she drives unaccompanied..its also you that will be fined allowing her to drive your car, fine for u is up to 2k

Get a family member or friend to drop them..its only 3 days, let the kids off school for 1 day and its only 2 days to cover.

lunamoon

Seth Brundle wrote: »

Surely as a couple they need to discuss it but it doesn't give the wife the automatic right to break the law

They have the discussed it. The wife said she'd get taxi's which I think is fair enough. I get the impression it's the Dad that wants her to take public transport.

Ursus Horribilis

She has probably got so used to being ferried around all her life, she has developed a princess complex. You're doing well to have her even bothering to learn how to drive at this stage. You're not being unreasonable and maybe deep down even she knows it too.

generalmental

Hi
Thanks to everyone who posted on the thread.

Matter is resolved now so if the mods want they can close this thread

rainbowtrout

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

She has probably got so used to being ferried around all her life, she has developed a princess complex. You're doing well to have her even bothering to learn how to drive at this stage. You're not being unreasonable and maybe deep down even she knows it too.

I feel sorry for the wife reading all the comments here. But this is the most ridiculous one. The wife could have just as easily grown up in a city, lived close to public transport links and never needed to drive up to know, but you have decided she has a princess complex because she's learning to drive now???


The reality of the situation is that 20 years ago, you just went into the county council office handed in the forms for a provisional and off you went. Then the theory test came in and every few years there would be a furore in the media as the government announced a clampdown on unaccompanied learner drivers.

Things have changed somewhat but you can bet that there are hundreds if not thousands of learner drivers driving around this country on a daily basis unaccompanied as they know the chances of getting caught are miniscule. The OPs wife probably just assumed she would be able to drive as well and didn't see it as a big deal, and also saw it as a necessity for getting the kids to school.

AulWan

More than 1600 cars have seized from unaccompanied learner drivers since the Clancy law was brought in last December.

Is she prepared to risk losing the family car completely for the sake of 3 days?

Ursus Horribilis

rainbowtrout wrote: »

I feel sorry for the wife reading all the comments here. But this is the most ridiculous one. The wife could have just as easily grown up in a city, lived close to public transport links and never needed to drive up to know, but you have decided she has a princess complex because she's learning to drive now???

Unless they lived in a city until a few months ago, there is no excuse for people not bothering to learn how to drive. I am from the countryside and know how important knowing how to drive is. I also know what a pain in the backside it is to have to ferry around grown adults who can't be bothered to learn. They exist. Anyway, I am not going to engage any further with this because it will turn into a back and forth. You have your opinion. I hold my "ridiculous" opinion and will not change my mind. Have a nice day.

generalmental

rainbowtrout wrote: »

I feel sorry for the wife reading all the comments here. But this is the most ridiculous one. The wife could have just as easily grown up in a city, lived close to public transport links and never needed to drive up to know, but you have decided she has a princess complex because she's learning to drive now???


The reality of the situation is that 20 years ago, you just went into the county council office handed in the forms for a provisional and off you went. Then the theory test came in and every few years there would be a furore in the media as the government announced a clampdown on unaccompanied learner drivers.

Things have changed somewhat but you can bet that there are hundreds if not thousands of learner drivers driving around this country on a daily basis unaccompanied as they know the chances of getting caught are miniscule. The OPs wife probably just assumed she would be able to drive as well and didn't see it as a big deal, and also saw it as a necessity for getting the kids to school.

Most of this is on point. She does not have a princess complex, she just seems to think that she is ready to take control of the car on her own and I'm sorry to say she isn't.

I don't think she realises that the people in the car, wife and kids are the most precious people I have in my life and if anything happened to them because of her lack of experience I don't know what I would do. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

Bob Harris

generalmental wrote: »

Hi
Thanks to everyone who posted on the thread.

Matter is resolved now so if the mods want they can close this thread

What did you agree to do?

FishOnABike

If transport for the three days wasn't discussed and agreed before you booked your trip it was an oversight on both your parts - you assuming your wife would sort something out for transport and your wife assuming she could drive the family car unaccompanied on a learner permit.

If she agreed up front to use public transport thinking she could say one thing and then do another I don't see what she has to complain about.

woodchuck

Mod note:

Thread closed as per the OPs request.