My mother inherited money 2 years ago and has been incredibly wasteful with it.

LegacyUser

My mother had a hard childhood. She was emotionally abused and she has been on anti-depressants since I was about 8 or 9. She didn't work for much of the last 10 years. Even though our family never had much money growing up, I was well fed and taken care of without any major issues.

Anyway, two years or so ago, my mother came into a decent inheritance when her own mother died. We're talking over 300k. My probem is that now that she has money, she is incredibly wasteful with it. It pains me to see such blatant disregard for something that used properly, could set her up nicely for a long time. But I know for a fact that with her current spending patterns, it'll be all gone within the next 2 or 3 years.

She's just left it in her bank account since she got it, which is a terrible waste in itself. She has taken a 5 or 6 holidays; 4 of them abroad and two down the country. I've gone along with her and my dad because she insisted. Our only holiday whle I was a kid was a trip to England so she felt the need to see more of the world as a family.

I don't have such an issue with the desire to see the world as the reckless spending. She now has a minimum wage job as a sales assistant but she gets taxis home from work pretty much every day. She has poured about 10-15k worth of investment into home improvements aswell for a house she doesn't even bloody own.

Overall, I'd say she has spent about 70k in the last two years on f*ck knows what. I feel like she is the only person on the planet who when lucky enough to have such money would blow it all so recklessly.

I have tried to encourage her to put a few quid into government bonds and stuff but she has never bothered even though the application form takes 10 minutes max to fill in. Am I being too harsh in getting annoyed about this?

Part of me can see how going from never having money to having too much could be conducive to developing poor spending habits. But on a personal level, I respect the value of money and that would be the same if I had 100 euro or 100k in my bank. I wouldn't be getting taxis home from work just because I didn't feel like walking 20 mins to the bus stop.

I've mentioned it here and there to her but her response is either "I could drop dead any minute" or "I can't take it with me". In my mind, planning for the future financially is just a common sense thing. I am worried what it will do to her mentally when she's checking her bank account in 2 or 3 years wondering where the hell it all went. Should I just let her get on with it?

zapper55

Op all you can do is talk to her in a way that doesnt make her defensive. At the end of the day shes a grown adult making her own decisions.

How about sussing out what sensible spending would make her happy? Maybe a car instead of a taxi, buy a house instead of the uncertainty of renting? Only you will know what might excite her.

Also her spending sounds excessive but also like.someone thats had a very hard life and wants to treat herself and is just going overboard.

P. S How is she allowed to make home improvements to a house she doesnt own? Is there a chance the landlord might make her change it back?

banie01

Its your mother's money to do with as she wishes.
Barring having her declared and incompetent and made a ward of the court there isn't a lot you can do other than voice your displeasure, with her pursuit of leisure.

Try to do it in a way that doesn't make it seem like you are worrying about having all your inheritance spent.

Salary Negotiator

Holidays aren’t money wasted, that’s what money is for.

Is she in private rented accommodation? Spending money on that is wasteful if she ever moves out. Less so if it’s a council house.

Regarding taxis, can she drive? Would she be willing to get her license and buy a car? At least then she’ll have something tangible, albeit expensive, to show for the money spent.

BDI

They say op that, if all the money in the world was divided equally between all the people in the world, the top 1% would have it back within a generation or two.

Being very poor can affect you in a few ways, one of the ways would be extreme cautiousness with money, I think it was Michael Caine who is famous for this. The other extreme is of panicking when you actually have money, feeling you don’t deserve it or you need to spend it before it’s tricked or stolen from you.

If you are worried about it being spent before you inherit it, that’d be your own problem and not your mothers.

Salary Negotiator

BDI wrote: »

If you are worried about it being spent before you inherit it, that’d be your own problem and not your mothers.

That was my first thought but from reading the OP I don’t get that impression at all.

noodler

The taxis is the only really wasteful thing I feel you have described.

The holidays and home improvements sound like pretty good uses.

How old is she, out of curiosity?

Ursus Horribilis

Are your parents still together? What has your father got to say about all of this?

I read a statistic somewhere that said that many lottery winners end up right back where they started. Your mum sounds like a person who confirms this. The one thing that she probably should be looking at is buying her own home if she can (I assume she's not renting a council house?) . Can she afford that? With that gone out of her account, it might slow down some of that spending.

Gerianam

Let your Mum enjoy her money. Holidays are not wasteful since she missed out on so many throughout, as you say, a difficult life. She deserves a few luxuries, she is still working hard and gets a taxi home. Let her have her few luxuries. Life is tough. I cannot see a huge amount wrong with her lifestyle.

Princess Calla

The taxis are the only problem I see here to be honest. She's basically working to fund her transport to and from work which is a total waste.

I'm guessing it's a council house and she likes the area/ neighbours and would rather do it up than move to a new location.

Some people are really bad with money.

She has also probably scrimped and saved over the years and now has a freedom she never thought she'd ever have. So she's enjoying herself!

valoren

It's her money now. She cant take it with her. She will ultimately burn through the money until it's gone and there's nothing you can do. If she enjoys it then you should be happy that it makes her happy.

B0jangles

If the mother is still working, she's presumably a relatively young woman so I can absolutely understand the OPs concern and frustration - she inherited enough money to use to live (alongside her existing income) very comfortably on for the rest of her life, with plenty to spare for regular holidays and the odd luxury or impulse purchase. . Instead it sounds like she's going to have little or nothing again in a few years, and with little or nothing to show for it either. That's a real shame.

I've read that an inability to cope with money is a very common consequence of childhood deprivation - unstable circumstances taught them that if you don't grab something and use it right now it probably won't be there tomorrow.

Is there any way you could convince her to go to a financial planner, or even some kind of therapist?

sportsfan90

Agree about going to see a financial planner.

She may be reluctant to do this so perhaps you could suggest it to her in a way that at least pretends the appointment is for both of you - for her with her money and for you with mortgage / pension plan, investing etc.

vintagecosmos

I would have though the exact same as you. But then my mother took ill and passed. It was drawn out and painful. She worked her whole life and never got to enjoy much of what she earnt. Life is short. Enjoy it today.

I'm sure she knows how much money is leaving her account. So you have done your bit in letting her know to be more prudent. At the end of the day it's her choice. Try not to let it get between you.

bilbot79

I would sit her down and tell it like it is. She'll thank you in the long run

Princess Calla

bilbot79 wrote: »

I would sit her down and tell it like it is. She'll thank you in the long run

Not necessarily! No parent likes to be schooled by their children.

Financial planner probably won't work either as people who have never had money are often very wary of investing and the like.

Approach the conversation wrong and you'll be accused of wanting a hand out/ inheritance etc.

You've said your bit, she's aware of how much she's spending /earning and how much is in the bank.

joeguevara

This seems to be your issue and not hers. She has a job when she doesn't need one. OK she gets taxis but thats up to her.

She made home improvements but doesn't own house. She wants her place to be nice no issue.

Why make sacrifices now to save for the future. If she wants to go on holidays now then good for her. Why wait until she's older.

I'd prefer to really enjoy a windfall rather than make it longer but more boring. It might be crazy to you but it's up to her. My advice is be happy for her and live your own life rather than counting up what she spends.

When its gone she might regret it but she will be able to remember all the good times she had. Much better than the bad memories of her childhood and thats nice.

suicide_circus

nothing much you can do. do you think she'll be looking for to be funding her nursing home in years to come?

Hobosan

I doubt her mother would have given her all that hard earned money if she knew it would be gone in under 5 years.

I'd sooner give 300,000 to a young frugal stranger or a charity than see it pissed away by a relation in 5 years.

But without knowing other people's circumstances, I can see why others think differently. At least she didn't donate it to the Church of Scientology.

Cuddlesworth

joeguevara wrote: »

This seems to be your issue and not hers. She has a job when she doesn't need one. OK she gets taxis but thats up to her.

She made home improvements but doesn't own house. She wants her place to be nice no issue.

Why make sacrifices now to save for the future. If she wants to go on holidays now then good for her. Why wait until she's older.

I'd prefer to really enjoy a windfall rather than make it longer but more boring. It might be crazy to you but it's up to her. My advice is be happy for her and live your own life rather than counting up what she spends.

When its gone she might regret it but she will be able to remember all the good times she had. Much better than the bad memories of her childhood and thats nice.

And when she is living on the old age pension with a empty bank account, leading into a overwhelming pension crisis for the country? She can look back kindly on pissing away 300k on Taxis and Holidays.

Xterminator

Cuddlesworth wrote: »

And when she is living on the old age pension with a empty bank account, leading into a overwhelming pension crisis for the country? She can look back kindly on pissing away 300k on Taxis and Holidays.

Yes. That is her privilege, to have that choice.

OP has no right to try to force mother to be wise in her choices. Different people have different values, but it is fair to say OP is not an uninterested observer.

OP should just be supportive. Offer to help budgeting etc if desired and leave it at that.

JeffKenna

OP, where has this figure of €70k that she has spent in the last two years come from? Is this just you guessing?

B0jangles

I just reread the original post and something occurred to me - OP, you said your mother had a hard childhood and was emotionally abused - did she inherit the money from the person who abused her? If so, I'd think that the inheritance might bring up some very very difficult and contradictory feelings in her, - maybe getting rid of it as fast as possible, and in ways that maybe the abuser would have hated feels really satisfying to her?

It's only a guess of course but if it rings at all true then therapy to deal with the past trauma really would be very helpful.

Princess Calla

Cuddlesworth wrote: »

And when she is living on the old age pension with a empty bank account, leading into a overwhelming pension crisis for the country? She can look back kindly on pissing away 300k on Taxis and Holidays.

Everyone is entitled to the old age pension.

She has a job, she's paying tax and prsi. She's even paying the taxi man's pension.

If you have a problem with pensions take it up with your local TD and see if they'll waive their teachers pension or their TD pension.... Don't begrudge the small fry!

Graces7

Good for her!

It is HER money and she is making her choices. Enjoying her life after hardship. Appreciating good things. Well deserved. There is nothing wasteful about it. Far from it.

That is all the "therapy" she needs. Well done!

noodler

Princess Calla wrote: »

Everyone is entitled to the old age pension.

She has a job, she's paying tax and prsi. She's even paying the taxi man's pension.

If you have a problem with pensions take it up with your local TD and see if they'll waive their teachers pension or their TD pension.... Don't begrudge the small fry!

Definitely the most non-sensical post of the lot.

The poster was just pointing out that the State pension isn't a whole lot to live on and the money, if used Inna certain way, could provide a welcome top up in retirement.

I'm not sure what on earth you were talking about entitlement to said pension.

Princess Calla

noodler wrote: »

Definitely the most non-sensical post of the lot.

The poster was just pointing out that the State pension isn't a whole lot to live on and the money, if used Inna certain way, could provide a welcome top up in retirement.

I'm not sure what on earth you were talking about entitlement to said pension.

The original poster said when she's claiming the old age pension, leading to an overwhelming pension crisis........

To me that read she shouldn't be claiming the old age pension when the time comes.

If I took it up wrong I do apologise for any offence caused!

Original poster never mentioned the amount of the pension being insufficient.

bottlebrush

OP are you secretly fearing that you mother may come to rely on you for financial support when she retires? If so then you are right to be concerned. If you are happy that come retirement your mother will be able to financially survive independently of you or your siblings then let her on with the spending.

annoyedson

annoyedson wrote: »

She now has a minimum wage job as a sales assistant but she gets taxis home from work pretty much every day. She has poured about 10-15k worth of investment into home improvements aswell for a house she doesn't even bloody own.

I'm in two minds about this one. While I don't think there's anything "wrong" with how she's spending her money, I would be very uncomfortable too if my mother was working a minimum wage job, didn't own her own home and was making no provision whatsoever for the future while she has a chance. Yes she could be dead tomorrow but she could also live another 20-30-40 years and wouldn't it be nice to not have to worry about rent/mortgage payments on the meagre pension the state will provide? Wouldn't it be nice to be able to relax and enjoy life at that point, as well as now?

That being said, there's not much you can do except sit her down and point this out. I do agree with others who have mentioned the fact that it's difficult for someone who has never had money to control their spending when they have a sudden windfall. And B0jangles could be spot on that the inheritance is causing her some conflict if it's coming from the person that made her miserable as a child.

Either way, if I was you I would have one more chat with her and your father together and leave it at that.

Mr. Incognito

OP- What good is saving money?

To spend it.

Otherwise you will die with a load of money like her parent did.

You should worry about your own finances and let other people worry about theirs.

People have this stupid idea that they will live forever. She wont. You wont.

Spend every penny while you are alive. Holidays are more enjoyable than a print out of a number on a piece of paper.

beauf

annoyedson wrote: »

...I don't have such an issue with the desire to see the world as the reckless spending. ...

I think SOME people are missing the point.

The OP has no issue her enjoying the money.
His issue is with reckless spending that will fritter money away on nothing.

Which might cause her considerable mental anguish, and make an existing condition worse.

beauf

annoyedson wrote: »

....Should I just let her get on with it?

Once she has gotten advice nothing more you can do.

tea and coffee

I agree with Beauf. It's nice to spend a bit and enjoy a bit of the inheritance but then you need to be sensible and look to the future as well.
It would be like the grasshopper who sang all summer when it's gone.
70k in a year is a lot. If a person was working, they would need to be on over 100k a year and saving every cent to be able to spend that on yourself.

ILoveYourVibes

It is absolutely none of your business how your mother spends her money its hers not yours.

Don't question her. Don't question what other people do with their money and maybe concentrate on making your own money.

From the sounds of it you obviously don't have a lot yourself so maybe focus on that instead of what other people do with or how they waste their money.

People should focus on their own finances rather than their parents. Let her enjoy it how she wishes and focus on getting rich yourself. And then if you give her money you can have a say on how its spent.

LegacyUser

I think i get where you are coming from OP,


My mom wouldn't have had a large inheritance but she is counting on one coming in, meanwhile she spends recklessly, using loans/maxed out credit cards, dodging bills and lives always borrowing from peter to pay paul as they used say,

just so she has "bragging rights" about her Holidays/Clothes/home improvements..


I found it hard as her child firstly because growing up like that was no picnic, and b because i know she has no pension, no savings, and nothing bar some dream of a large cash inheritance that i feel will never come and even if it does she has it spent already.

and i feel like as her child i will be the one expected to pick up the pieces when they get too old to work (which isn't that far away to be honest) and the money they have stops coming in.

i've made it clear to my husband that we will not be bailing them out, ever, we live our lives by cutting our cloth to measure, we have savings and we make sure our children are looked after, we live comfortably. I know when it comes (not even if it comes) it will be so hard because nobody wants to see an elderly parent in trouble, but really her life could have been so different if she had a tiny bit more financial sense. like not giving an alcoholic a glass of wine, i will not feed her spending habit as selfish as that sounds.

Someone has fed your mothers spending addiction, that doesn't mean you should too if/when it all runs out. Life always catches up with you, Let it catch her.

Batgurl

OP - different people value different things. The person driving to work, paying for a car, petrol and parking can be seen as living extravagantly by the person who cycles to work for next to nothing.

It’s her money to spend as she pleases. If holidays and taxis are her biggest extravagance, she’s doing well. She could be drinking and smoking herself to death or doing heroin.

If she wants to enjoy herself now instead of having a more comfortable retirement, that’s her choice.

Every working person in the world could forgo their daily little luxuries like coffee, or holidays or drinks and put more into their pensions for a more comfortable retirement but adults can make their own decisions, that’s why we let them.

Mad_maxx

JeffKenna wrote: »

OP, where has this figure of €70k that she has spent in the last two years come from? Is this just you guessing?

Exactly what I was thinking

Nothing here strikes me as lavish spending, several holidays would be unlikely to cost more than 10k in total, then add in the 15k on her home and your still under 30k with miscellaneous expenditure.

It's unclear who owns the house she lives in but 15 k on a home is nothing

pwurple

Mad_maxx wrote: »

Exactly what I was thinking

Nothing here strikes me as lavish spending, several holidays would be unlikely to cost more than 10k in total, then add in the 15k on her home and your still under 30k with miscellaneous expenditure.

It's unclear who owns the house she lives in but 15 k on a home is nothing

15k is fine in your own home, but a rented place? 6 holidays would easily come in at a bit more than 10k, especially if it's something long haul, like the US or australia etc, or bumping up to first class or 5 star.
People can spend 2k on a handbag, 10k on a bit of jewelry easily enough.


Either way, the OP is coming from a place of concern. They are worried their mother will be left struggling in her old age, hasn't put a pension aside, doesn't have a home she owns. Plenty of us know people who have ended up paying the equivalent of another mortgage on their parents needing nursing homes, or carers. My parents ended up in that situation with my grandparents, and try to make sure their own old age won't put anyone else into hardship.

I'm not sure how to bring it up with her OP. Asking about the future would be the way to go... How does she picture her retirement. what are her wishes if she ever needed nursing care for example...

Nothing surprises me now

Op has said mother had hard, emotional childhood, been on anti depressants so perhaps now she's finally getting to have some luxuries in her life. I imagine she may have council house and perhaps got new windows in and maybe new kitchen, something she couldn't afford before. She's had 5 or 6 holidays over 2 years, not too extravagant for someone unable to afford them previously and as OP said, mother wished to do this as "family holidays" as there hadn't been many before. She's working, not sitting at home shopping on line and if she wants to get taxis home from work perhaps she's on her feet all day. BTW, have you chatted to your father about this, is he concerned?

kirving

pwurple wrote: »

15k is fine in your own home, but a rented place?

OP didn't say it's rented. Could be morgaged still. No point pay off the remaining loan if the monthly payment is low. €15k would barley buy a new kitchen these days.

On the taxis....
My last car, that was 6 years old when I bought it for €7500, until I had paid the loan off 2 years later, cost me €9500 per year to tax, insure, maintain and fill with petrol. That's €39 per working day, which I could have justifiably spent on taxis. Lucky she didn't quit her job really.

It all depends on your outlook on life. I could never begrudge the OP's mother a few holidays which she couldn't have gone on before.

Now is the time to take a breath and speak to a financial planner though, absolutely no problem to enjoy every penny of the money, just ensure she does so in the knowledge of her future.

OP, it's really none of your business what your mother does with her money. And it is her money.
Were you so interested in what she did with her money before she got her inheritance?
Let her enjoy it, life is short & you said yourself she has had a tough life. It's great the can now enjoy it, & she also includes you in her holidays.
What exactly is your issue?

Edgware

If you could get her to lock down 100000 in some long term scheme for ten years and leave her lash away on the rest it would be a good compromise. I take it she is working so she cant holiday forever

Claw Hammer

bubblypop wrote: »

OP, it's really none of your business what your mother does with her money. And it is her money.
Were you so interested in what she did with her money before she got her inheritance?
Let her enjoy it, life is short & you said yourself she has had a tough life. It's great the can now enjoy it, & she also includes you in her holidays.
What exactly is your issue?

The op is perfectly right to make it his business. If his mother started drinking heavily or taking drugs he would make it his business and would be expected to do so. As an adult his mother should of course be given considerable latitude but as a woman who had very little money for years, she may well have no ability to manage the large sum she has suddenly acquired. Foolish spending now could have serious consequences for her in later life and for the O/p to some extent.
there is a finite, quite small amount of money available now. If she fritters it down to nothing she may not have funds to pay for a hip or nee replacement should she need one. she may endure several years of suffering o waiting lists which she could have avoided.

Claw Hammer

Claw Hammer wrote: »

The op is perfectly right to make it his business. If his mother started drinking heavily or taking drugs he would make it his business and would be expected to do so. As an adult his mother should of course be given considerable latitude but as a woman who had very little money for years, she may well have no ability to manage the large sum she has suddenly acquired. Foolish spending now could have serious consequences for her in later life and for the O/p to some extent.
there is a finite, quite small amount of money available now. If she fritters it down to nothing she may not have funds to pay for a hip or nee replacement should she need one. she may endure several years of suffering o waiting lists which she could have avoided.

No, sorry it is none of the OPs business. The mother is entitled to do whatever she wants with her money & even if she wastes every penny, it's still not his business.
Doesn't sound like she has wasted it anyway. Home improvements & holidays are perfectly reasonable things to do with a windfall

LegacyUser

We where in the same position and felt the same. Wanted to protect my mam for her future. A year later she passed away suddenly.

Graces7

bubblypop wrote: »

No, sorry it is none of the OPs business. The mother is entitled to do whatever she wants with her money & even if she wastes every penny, it's still not his business.
Doesn't sound like she has wasted it anyway. Home improvements & holidays are perfectly reasonable things to do with a windfall

Maybe part of this is the undercurrent that old folk are at least borderline, well, incompetent, that rears its head sometimes?
I am headed for 80 and have been the subject of this here often.. especially eg that at my age I really should be in "prison", ie sheltered accommodation. Spoken in patronising tones. As clearly old folk are not capable or running their lives some degree?

This lady knows exactly what she is doing; her free and chosen decisions with her money and her life an dis probably wiser than all her critics. Life at her age, at our age, is for living. For doing things she never had the chance to previously. Not for thinking ten years down the line. We may not live another ten years.

Were I to get a windfall like that! I would expand my horizons, do things I was never able to do before, revel in LIFE.

And it is HERS, her choice with her property

she sounds a lovely lady

Claw Hammer

Many folk, older and younger are bad with money. This is particularly the case whe dealing with amounts of money of which they have no previous experience. many lottery winners end up wishing they had never won the money. whatever about a young person friitering money, with an old person there will be no way back.

joeguevara

Claw Hammer wrote: »

Many folk, older and younger are bad with money. This is particularly the case whe dealing with amounts of money of which they have no previous experience. many lottery winners end up wishing they had never won the money. whatever about a young person friitering money, with an old person there will be no way back.

But this is such a subjective thing and goes to the Ops issue. What is 'bad with money:? What one person sees as wasteful another sees as making memories. Why is it considered it prudent to lock it away and then have access to it when value of money is much less and also the ability to enjoy it has diminished due to age.

When you say 'no way back' it sounds like Armageddon. Why worry about someone who has the chance to experience something they never have before?

beauf

joeguevara wrote: »

But this is such a subjective thing and goes to the Ops issue. What is 'bad with money:?...

When you don't have any...but used to.

joeguevara

beauf wrote: »

When you don't have any...but used to.

Again that isn't necessarily bad. George Best summed it up best when he said he spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest he just squandered. If someone wants to do something like travel then to them it's not wasted. If they go out to work to meet people but get taxis home then to them it's not wasted.

To others it mightnt be what they would do but it doesn't mean it is a bad thing.

I would hate if I made sacrifices all of my life and retired with a lump sum but couldn't spend it because I was too old to enjoy traveling or whatever else I wanted to do now.

Batgurl

beauf wrote: »

When you don't have any...but used to.

Like all those people who invested their hard-earned cash in the boom and now are in negative equity?

I’m firmly on the “what holds value depends on your own personal opinion and you are not entitled to force that opinion on anyone else” side of this argument.