How be happy...single..never find love

karen29070

As the title says. Is it possible to be happy if you're single?
I've never had a relationship in my life (i'm 30)& just feel like it will never happen at this stage.
I always feel there's something missing & wonder if i will ever just be happy the way i am

Addle

You just have to accept your lot in life OP.

Caranica

I'm single and love it. I have been married, was with my ex over a decade but I'm pretty sure I'm meant to be single, it suits me best.

I disagree that you have to accept your lot, people find love at all ages. You need to love yourself though, I'm a strong believer that until you do, nobody can love you.

Addle

I’m not saying give up, I’m saying accept being single. Stop trying not to be single.
You never know what might happen at any time. Or nothing might ever happen.
Stop waiting for something that might never happen.

lainey_d_123

karen29070 wrote: »

As the title says. Is it possible to be happy if you're single?
I've never had a relationship in my life (i'm 30)& just feel like it will never happen at this stage.
I always feel there's something missing & wonder if i will ever just be happy the way i am

Of course it's possible. Why are you not happy right now? Is it because you lack companionship and someone to care about you (which is a normal reason to want a partner) or is it that you feel abnormal because society says you're 'supposed' to have a partner?

I know plenty of people who are single and love it. They simply aren't relationship people. They like their solitude, they like lots of time alone, they like to be able to hang out with whoever they feel like, they aren't bothered about having kids or a family. I personally prefer being in a good relationship over being single, but there are still SO many advantages to being single.

I would start by asking myself WHY you feel there is something missing...if it's a genuine desire for a relationship to improve your life, if it's because you're missing other things like friends, hobbies, goals, or if it's social pressure to be in a relationship. Starting there would be good imo.

Shtanto

Caranica wrote: »

I disagree that you have to accept your lot, people find love at all ages. You need to love yourself though, I'm a strong believer that until you do, nobody can love you.

Very much agree with this. It was RuPaul who put it well when she said "If you can't love yourself, how the hell do you expect to love anyone else?"

Remember also that your emotions will tint your experience of life.

Yellow pack crisps

The problem is not you accepting it, the problem seems to be you not thinking it will happen. Two very different things. If you want to be single and don’t want a relationship then it is easier to accept and be happy with it. Why do you feel it won’t happen? Life is not a text book, things happen in many ways, shapes and forms at no particular time. Why do you think you’re not capable of having a relationship? I’m not saying you’re not capable, I think you are though, and that’s a question you need to interrogate.

antix80

Hi Op.
Is your life "full" (apart from not having a partner)
Do you have a good work-life balance?
Are you close with your siblings and their families?
Are you involved with any clubs or organisations?
Do you have a pet?

If any of those areas are lacking you'll probably feel pretty lonely at times especially seeing your friends coupling up & there'll be a lot of it over the next few years.

If your life is full you don't need to worry about being single.

If your life is missing something, well it's not necessarily a man that you're missing. You probably need to do some work on yourself. Maybe you're dedicating all your energy to a job that doesn't fulfil you and you're just tired in the evening?

That doesn't mean you shouldn't be in a relationship. Most people with few exceptions should actively seek to be in a relationship because it's better for their health. It doesn't have to be a serious relationship either, dating can work out well too.

LolaJJ

Yes, it is possible to happy and content and single

After a very gruesome break up at age 34, I swore off relationships, got in to fitness, decided life was pretty great without having someone else in the picture who had the power to destroy me.

2 years later, without any real intent I dabbled in a bit of Tinder.

I had used it before and largely went on dates looking for a boyfriend, wanting guys to like me and trying to be the perfect person when I went on dates.

This time tho, I wanted them to impress me, I needed them to convince me that they were worthy of me parting with my new independent life. I only went on dates with 2 different guys, I'm 38 now and living with the second one, blissfully happy and hoping to start a family soon.
He treats me so much better than any guy I ever dated before.

What I mean is, your attitide needs to be changed, until you value yourself as your own person, and fully acknowledge all the fab things you will bring to a relationship if some guy/girl is lucky enough to grab your attention. It just won't happen, or it won't happen in the way you would like.

30 is really young, you've loads of time.

LegacyUser

I'm 41 and have never been in a relationship and am a bit further down the line than the OP coming to terms with being alone. At this age, would a woman think there's something wrong with me not having been in a relationship before now?

antix80

Forever Single wrote: »

I'm 41 and have never been in a relationship and am a bit further down the line than the OP coming to terms with being alone. At this age, would a woman think there's something wrong with me not having been in a relationship before now?

I think you should start your own thread.
"would a woman think there's something wrong with me".. At 41 and you're still caring what people think about you? Mistake #1.
If you want to date, date. Use dates as an opportunity to find out what women are looking for and also if you're compatible. But sitting around wondering if people think you're strange is a waste of time.

Princess Calla

Forever Single wrote: »

I'm 41 and have never been in a relationship and am a bit further down the line than the OP coming to terms with being alone. At this age, would a woman think there's something wrong with me not having been in a relationship before now?

Personally at that age I'd be more wary if you had a string of broken relationships, one night stands etc behind you as it screams player!

It's not something I'd mention as soon as introductions are made either though.

While I might be wary if I felt a connection it's not something that would overly worry me to be honest.

lastusername

karen29070 wrote: »

As the title says. Is it possible to be happy if you're single?
I've never had a relationship in my life (i'm 30)& just feel like it will never happen at this stage.
I always feel there's something missing & wonder if i will ever just be happy the way i am

The answer is 100% yes as feeling happy is not dependent on having a boyfriend or even your circumstances, regardless of what they are.

'Being happy' is not a fixed state either, you feel happy at times and a whole range of other emotions at other times. This happens regardless of whether you're single or not, as again it's not dependent on your circumstances (despite what we've all grown up to believe!).

Society, the movies, etc, would have us believe that we need someone to 'complete us'. This is not true, and deep down we know it.

Just live your life, and enjoy it Date if you want, and if you don't want to, that's ok too.

If you meet someone, you meet someone. If you don't, you don't, and that's ok too!

Mad_maxx

karen29070 wrote: »

As the title says. Is it possible to be happy if you're single?
I've never had a relationship in my life (i'm 30)& just feel like it will never happen at this stage.
I always feel there's something missing & wonder if i will ever just be happy the way i am

My sister didn't have a relationship until she was thirty five, she is a professional living in Dublin and is now engaged to a fellow professional, through sheer bad luck,some people miss out for a very long time, no reasons why, just happens

Mad_maxx

Forever Single wrote: »

I'm 41 and have never been in a relationship and am a bit further down the line than the OP coming to terms with being alone. At this age, would a woman think there's something wrong with me not having been in a relationship before now?

No, you don't need to tell them anyway, if things get serious, she won't care about something like that

Thelonious Monk

Mad_maxx wrote: »

My sister didn't have a relationship until she was thirty five, she is a professional living in Dublin and is now engaged to a fellow professional, through sheer bad luck,some people miss out for a very long time, no reasons why, just happens

Through sheer good luck, some people remain single for a very long time

Dien

karen29070 wrote: »

As the title says. Is it possible to be happy if you're single?
I've never had a relationship in my life (i'm 30)& just feel like it will never happen at this stage.
I always feel there's something missing & wonder if i will ever just be happy the way i am

In my view there are a very small few who are truly content on their own, and if you were part of that tiny minority you'd probably know it by now. I could quote all the cliches that have ever been written such as "what's meant for you won't pass you by" but I'd wager that's not much good to you. What I will say is I had my first relationship at a similar age to you, and it really did come when I least expected it.
I can't really put it down to any one reason, it was never a lack of options, but I suppose I was cynical due to all the cheating and falseness that goes on. I was also probably afraid, because it's tough to open up your heart and leave yourself that bare and vulnerable.
The only I advice I can give without any hesitation is don't just settle, being single is infinitely better than tolerating a partner because society says you shouldn't be single.
I'm far from a romantic, but the missus makes the most mundane activities fun, exciting and memorable. I hope you find someone like that.

Thelonious Monk

I would also say there are very few who are truly content with their partners

dd973

I don't know if anybody thinks along a similar vein but there seem to be people who'd find a relationship standing at a bus stop, they'd find it as difficult to remain single as the perpetually single find it difficult to find a relationship. Their personalities just seem to operate on a level where that side of life is a piece of piss.

Barring some miracle whereupon I do meet someone and some sort of mutual brain melt occurs then I'm resigned to dying unmarried and childless.

lainey_d_123

dd973 wrote: »

I don't know if anybody thinks along a similar vein but there seem to be people who'd find a relationship standing at a bus stop, they'd find it as difficult to remain single as the perpetually single find it difficult to find a relationship. Their personalities just seem to operate on a level where that side of life is a piece of piss.

Barring some miracle whereupon I do meet someone and some sort of mutual brain melt occurs then I'm resigned to dying unmarried and childless.

You know how people say it's easier to get a job when you already have a job? I honestly think it's the same with relationships.

I never get as much interest as when I'm already with someone. I dated my first boyfriend for 2 years and literally the day after it ended, a friend/acquaintance confessed his feelings for me and we started dating. I think you do get into some kind of relationship mode which makes it easy to jump from one to another.

When you're single for any length of time, it seems to change your thinking and way of doing things. I've become very set in my ways and very used to my own space, and the same as been true for long term single men I've dated. It feels a lot harder to 'mesh'. It feels a lot harder to go beyond the first few dates and a superficial relationship. IMO people who are just out of a relationship (or still in one but fishing for the next branch so they don't have to be alone) are in the relationship 'flow' and all that changes is the person.

joeguevara

Firstly single people can be happy the same way people in relationships can be unhappy. Also it can make someone who is single feel worse when well meaning friends or acquaintances tell them anecdotes of a friend if a friens who was single for years and just got engaged or something similar.

If you want a relationship then you have to work on it. It won't just happen. If you want to find dates it is quite easy and many different avenues.

If you don't want a relationship then you need to also work on it to be happy. Hobbies Can be taken up. Travel is great and plenty of singles trips.

Also simply being happy requires work. If you feel down because you are single then you won't just be hsppy. Recommend mindfulness or some sort of relaxation exercises.

And it's the little things that make the difference. I recently got Spotify and bought good headphones. I was on the bus last week and was listening to a song I hadn't heard in decades. Then realised I had a big smile on my face. Great feeling.

santana75

karen29070 wrote: »

As the title says. Is it possible to be happy if you're single?
I've never had a relationship in my life (i'm 30)& just feel like it will never happen at this stage.
I always feel there's something missing & wonder if i will ever just be happy the way i am

Just become hyper aware of yourself, like be really mindful of your own thinking and actions. What I mean by that is, if you find someone attractive, how do you act around that person? Do you shut down? Tune in to what youre thinking in that situation because unbeknownst to yourself, you may be taking yourself out of the game, so to speak. You could be keeping your cards too close to your chest and shutting down any kind of sexual tension. So many people do this, and they often claim to be looking for a relationship, but in reality the hide their interest and intentions from anyone. Plus they are uncomfortable with sexual tension. Maybe its social conditioning, but the most successful people I know, relationship wise, are people who are very at ease with their sexuality. They know how to communicate interest without even saying a word. Its all about non-verbal communication and being at peace with your own sexual feelings and then letting someone you fancy know those feelings. Even without saying a thing. Its actually ridiculously easy to do, people think you have to say the right things........you dont. You just need to be at peace with yourself and be comfortable with sexual tension.

Graces7

Yes. perfectly possible to be happy single!

I am. Old now, and always single.

No need to say more!

except that love is not limited to relationships. In fact it is sometimes limited BY relationships. Being single, celibate, leaves freedom to love more in different ways.

I had no idea this was still an issue these days. When I was 21. my uncle gave me a present tied up with many yards of rough string. " To catch a man with". ie I was still... single etc and that was not the norm then.

tylercheribini

Cultural/societal conditioning still places far too much emphasis on "finding the one-having children". Personally I revel in the freedom of having no responsibilities to anybody but myself. We only have one life that we know of so why waste it with somebody you are perhaps only with to appear "normal" to others. My companionship with my cat sustains me.

kob29

OP 30 is so young and it's definitely not just you in that situation. I know from experience it can seem like it cant happen or it's not on the cards for you when it hasn't happened at that stage (I was 35!). You're telling yourself your race is run already and it hasn't even started.
Yep you can be happy solo, I was at times and at other periods feeling a bit bewildered and hopeless.
There are benefits of not having earlier bad relationship experiences to bring into a future relationship too. You're not scarred, you know yourself well enough as in individual to know whats right and not right, not acceptable for you.

So maybe avoid black and white thinking for now i.e. that it cant happen because it didn't already. Do a few things you want to do for you.
Decide to keep an open mind on dating and when you're feeling a bit resilient try some online dating. Write a very specific profile being explicit about what you're not interested in, that'll weed out those wasting your time (you might get some hate mail about it but sure don't mind that). When you arrange meet ups arrange something activity based, it'll take pressure off and allow you to be interesting 'you' in your zone. Having changed a few dates that went awry (boring/ absolutely no physical attraction despite good messaging/ users) you'll gradually figure it out and increase your chances of a jackpot strike! Don't label anyone as perfect for you too soon or be annoyed if they suddenly disappear. In any of those cases you're better off.

Overall, far too soon to write yourself off. It most likely hasn't been your time yet....but maybe you have it all to look forward to??

Graces7

also life is not static. It is a progression. a growing, a learning. Not set in stone. I am and think and feel very differently from that 21 year old. relationships have many forms.

we were a threesome at school , my friends and I. Then? One got pregnant unmarried. one got m arried but never any children. and I never married. We stayed friends until distance etc took its toll.

enjoy where you are now.

Xraymond

karen29070 wrote: »

As the title says. Is it possible to be happy if you're single?
I've never had a relationship in my life (i'm 30)& just feel like it will never happen at this stage.
I always feel there's something missing & wonder if i will ever just be happy the way i am

Yes you can be happy the way you are. This sounds like bull, but be true to yourself. Don't to what I did and think a bad relationship was better than none .
I'm not going to derail your thread but work on bettering yourself ,as in, do the things you love or find something you enjoy. And keep your keep your eyes open as sometimes a good thing is right in front of you if you look . Good luck.

karen29070

Hi everyone thanks a million for all the advice.
I will say i've had a lot of issues with accepting myself & loving myself first etc but i've been working on myself for a long time now & i am in a much better place.
I'm on tinder & pof on & off the last 2 years. Maybe my attitude is **** now as i don't believe anything will happen for me. I mean i do get a lot of likes on tinder etc but no one suggests meeting & i very rarely get a message. I just don't know where to go to meet men. My interests are mainly dogs & football . I have been thinking of trying a dating agency but cannot afford it at the moment

cannotlogin

I'm single, female and in my 30s too. I used to look at it the same way you did but then some thing clicked and changed my outlook.

I'd love to meet someone but I have built a life that means I'm happy even if I don't. Took up more activities, made a greater effort with friends and adding to my social circle.

In means that I'm now more chilled out when I might someone and don't get invested so quickly either. Still haven't found the right guy but definitely had more dates.

We could all have a partner in the morning if we wanted but there's no point if it's not the right person. If he comes along great, if not life is good being single anyway. Maybe trying looking at it that way, and the need to find a partner will reduce.

skimpydoo

I am a male, in my late 40's and I have been single for 9 years. During the past 3 years, I have been battling cancer and because of this, I have not been seriously looking for anyone. Last week I was told I am in remission and I am ready to start dating again.

It would be great to meet someone but if I don't that's life.

tylercheribini

I definitely know of more of my peer's long term relationships/marriages that have broken down/cheating than lasted the course, yet another reason that's keeping me single.

Dial Hard

karen29070 wrote: »

Hi everyone thanks a million for all the advice.
I will say i've had a lot of issues with accepting myself & loving myself first etc but i've been working on myself for a long time now & i am in a much better place.
I'm on tinder & pof on & off the last 2 years. Maybe my attitude is **** now as i don't believe anything will happen for me. I mean i do get a lot of likes on tinder etc but no one suggests meeting & i very rarely get a message. I just don't know where to go to meet men. My interests are mainly dogs & football . I have been thinking of trying a dating agency but cannot afford it at the moment

What's stopping you sending the first message/suggesting a meeting??? Don't be so passive, if you want something to happen, take the initiative.

karen29070

Yes I do send first messages & I've met up with two guys (in the 2 years I've been on it) & I was the one who suggested meeting up

Goodigal

skimpydoo wrote: »

I am a male, in my late 40's and I have been single for 9 years. During the past 3 years, I have been battling cancer and because of this, I have not been seriously looking for anyone. Last week I was told I am in remission and I am ready to start dating again.

It would be great to meet someone but if I don't that's life.

I couldn't pass this without commenting. That's fantastic for you. I wish you well!

Goodigal

I am newly single in my mid 40s (not by choice!) and the dating scene terrifies me. I have two children. I just want to be me, not 'mam' on a night out and I am finding this incredibly hard. I don't want to go on apps or sites. It is all based on looks!! At my age, I haven't the energy to compete. As others have said, if I don't find someone else, sure feckit!

But OP, I sincerely hope you find somebody to make you happy. Be happy in yourself and that happiness can attract people to you.

lastusername

Goodigal wrote: »

I am newly single in my mid 40s (not by choice!) and the dating scene terrifies me. I have two children. I just want to be me, not 'mam' on a night out and I am finding this incredibly hard. I don't want to go on apps or sites. It is all based on looks!! At my age, I haven't the energy to compete. As others have said, if I don't find someone else, sure feckit!

But OP, I sincerely hope you find somebody to make you happy. Be happy in yourself and that happiness can attract people to you.

Is being "a mam on a night out" something real, or could it just be a label you might be slapping on yourself?

Goodigal

lastusername wrote: »

Is being "a mam on a night out" something real, or could it just be a label you might be slapping on yourself?

Lol. It's my label! I can leave it at home sometimes!! I suppose it's a confidence thing for me, but I don't harp on about my children on a night out. Nobody wants to hear that!

lastusername

Goodigal wrote: »

Lol. It's my label! I can leave it at home sometimes!! I suppose it's a confidence thing for me, but I don't harp on about my children on a night out. Nobody wants to hear that!

Well....is that true either? Lots of people love kids and want to have kids or already have them. So I’d say sprinkling in a bit about them is absolutely fine, and you can always gauge someone’s interest levels pretty quickly!

Garzard

Was in my first relationship for about 10 months until last January when it ended. Everything was perfect until around the eight month together when it started getting sour for various reasons. She was everything I wanted in a woman, a breath of fresh air and I loved her to bits, but once the honeymoon period fizzled out I was becoming stressed with the amount of time we were spending together - about 4 nights a week in the later stages, and it lead to increasing arguments. I think we both became increasingly stressed and irritable towards each other because of that.

Another sticking point was that I felt she was looking for too much commitment too soon e.g. the possibility of moving in together after only 6 months into the relationship and her desire for several children before 30 (she was 24 and myself 25 at the time). I was in no position at all financially to move out, much less consider having children and still won't be for some time. For many reasons I've never been enthusiastic on having kids either.

After several arguments in January, we agreed to take a month's break apart and when we last met for a drink to finalise the breakup and discuss our issues, we ended on amicable terms thankfully. I admit I still think about her now and again.

At the end of the day despite having a great social group and plenty of friends I've always been quite a solitary person; my own time and freedom to myself to do my own thing without relationship or child-related responsibilities is hugely important to me, so as much as I loved her, I'm actually happier being single I think, until maybe I meet the 100% right person for me.