Not enough these days?

Thelonious Monk

lainey_d_123 wrote: »

Which, again, brings it back to people's short attention spans and focus on the superficial. Not a single one of my previous partners caught my eye the first time I saw them. I started to become more attracted to them as I got talking to them and got to know them. How can OP get talking to people if they brush her off and put their heads back in their phones?

Well that means they're not interested or just weirdos who don't look up from their phones. Stop blaming men for all of this. If I like a girl and it's mutual she'll know, it's always been the same.

lainey_d_123

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Well that means they're not interested or just weirdos who don't look up from their phones. Stop blaming men for all of this. If I like a girl and it's mutual she'll know, it's always been the same.

This is the entire point! How can they know if they're 'interested' from a brief glance? They can't! It hasn't always been the same. Not remotely. I never had any trouble finding partners before dating apps took off. People used to actually engage with each other. You yourself couldn't even imagine how you would meet someone outside of a dating app. Do you not find this incredibly strange?

It feels like all of society has been Tinderised. If you don't catch someone's eye at first glance, then too bad. That's what you're saying to OP. That she's not hot or charismatic enough to grab the attention immediately and mark herself out her someone fanciable, so she's just blanked and ignored. Maybe 10 years ago, she'd have got chatting anyway and they would have realised they had lots in common and had the attraction grow.

Thelonious Monk

No, the world hasn't been tinderised. People still meet through all kinds of ways. I met current girl on bumble but previously had met girls on nightlinks, travelling, bars etc.
It would be harder for me now without apps to go on dates all the time yes, so I guess I just wouldn't go on dates all the time, whereas apps allow me to do that if I wish to!
I know right away if I fancy someone physically or not, I didn't think that was unusual.

bitofabind

men are more visual. This isn't a tinder thing, it's a biological thing.

Not that you have to be Jessica Alba to get a look-in, but to increase your odds it helps to take really good care of yourself, stay fit, dress well, stay groomed, all of that. If a guy doesn't want to talk to you, don't take it personally. he's just not into you. whether he's on his phone or not or has a beer belly / crap job etc or not is immaterial.

An overwhelming amount of people end up with someone they were friends with or worked with first, where that pressure of "DO YOU FANCY THIS PERSON DECIDE NOW!" that comes with the apps doesn't exist. last few guys I dated I met through work, work conferences and weddings. how's your social circle OP? Any single friends of friends, weddings coming up, guys you've heard of though the grapevine? can you ask your friends to keep an eye out for you?

and how are your flirting skills? are you capable of being light-hearted and care-free about yourself? when's the last time you flirted with a guy and what did that look like? try to do it every day. people want to talk to people who look friendly, happy and open. sometimes when you're feeling pressured to meet someone your energy can change and become a bit intense and uninviting. especially when you have an "all men are...xyz" mentality.

Yellow pack crisps

Hi Op, online dating and social media in general is not for everyone. It might be that case with you. If you want to meet someone then it’s as much about effort you make yourself also. You don’t seem to socialize that often so what else could you be doing to get out there and meet people? Whether people care to admit it or not online dating and social media is a game, it’s full of people with low self confidence and in constant need of self validation. I was on it four years ago and then last year and what was staggering was the sheer volume of people who are still on it four years later. Granted I was on it too but genuinely only for two days as I was reminded how vacuous the whole thing is and just deleted everything. It is bad for a persons mentality. I’d recommend an acting class in the evening, it’s eady going, fun and you meet some great people. You don’t need to be an actor as what you learn is valuable in all sorts of environments. The worse thing you can do is let it depress you. Better to be alone than with the wrong person anyway.

LegacyUser

bitofabind wrote: »

men are more visual. This isn't a tinder thing, it's a biological thing.

Not that you have to be Jessica Alba to get a look-in, but to increase your odds it helps to take really good care of yourself, stay fit, dress well, stay groomed, all of that. If a guy doesn't want to talk to you, don't take it personally. he's just not into you. whether he's on his phone or not or has a beer belly / crap job etc or not is immaterial.

An overwhelming amount of people end up with someone they were friends with or worked with first, where that pressure of "DO YOU FANCY THIS PERSON DECIDE NOW!" that comes with the apps doesn't exist. last few guys I dated I met through work, work conferences and weddings. how's your social circle OP? Any single friends of friends, weddings coming up, guys you've heard of though the grapevine? can you ask your friends to keep an eye out for you?

and how are your flirting skills? are you capable of being light-hearted and care-free about yourself? when's the last time you flirted with a guy and what did that look like? try to do it every day. people want to talk to people who look friendly, happy and open. sometimes when you're feeling pressured to meet someone your energy can change and become a bit intense and uninviting. especially when you have an "all men are...xyz" mentality.

With that knowledge regarding men are visual, 100% agree. I started working on myself physically over the last year and I certainly do get stared at and men do look at me but that’s as far as it goes? :-/

Flirting experience and skills - shocking. Sure I haven’t had the opportunity lately to even practice.
Last time - era, I’d say it’s been years since anyone my age or little older took a half hearted interest in me.
I get unwanted attention from absolute creeps..but I think all girls my age have experienced these pervs (- on the street etc)
Social circle isn’t great. I like to blame work but I know I should make more of an effort to meet up more with the girls..

Admitting this actually has me tearful cause I must really be awful in men’s eyes.

leahyl

Just to say, some great advice from people for the OP. I’m single all my life and now at 34 have been really starting to despair lately. The apps can really mess with your head; the reality for me is I don’t want to be on them but I’m starting to realise that I need to have more hobbies in order to get out and meet people...hoping to get into a bit of hiking soon. I have to try and calm myself and tell myself not to panic! It’s not easy either when you don’t have any relationship experience. I completely understand what the OP is going through.

OP, are you based in a city?

From what I can see and heard, there is a massive imbalance in the fortunes of dating between city and rural for females.
Men have too much choice in cities and can lead to being very picky. It's not necessarily down to you or your lifestyle.

lainey_d_123

leahyl wrote: »

Just to say, some great advice from people for the OP. I’m single all my life and now at 34 have been really starting to despair lately. The apps can really mess with your head; the reality for me is I don’t want to be on them but I’m starting to realise that I need to have more hobbies in order to get out and meet people...hoping to get into a bit of hiking soon. I have to try and calm myself and tell myself not to panic! It’s not easy either when you don’t have any relationship experience. I completely understand what the OP is going through.

Hiking is great for meeting people, as is pretty much any kind of fitness group. The way I see it is, the worst that can happen is you get in really good shape, so it's worthwhile doing whether or not you meet someone. A day's hiking or an evening Crossfit class is never time wasted.

Thelonious Monk

salonfire wrote: »

OP, are you based in a city?

From what I can see and heard, there is a massive imbalance in the fortunes of dating between city and rural for females.
Men have too much choice in cities and can lead to being very picky. It's not necessarily down to you or your lifestyle.

Women have as much choice in cities as men do

bitofabind

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Women have as much choice in cities as men do

depends on the city for one. NYC for example, far more single women than men. Also women tend to be more discerning with preferences, whereas men will take a wider age range for example and tend to go lower - which means far more choice for them.

casual sex comes into it too, when its as easy as swiping on someone's face and a few over-and-back messages. Women (again generalising) will usually want more than that whereas men will tend to look at relationships less favourably when you can have an unlimited supply of that for years if you want without the pressure of a biological clock.

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

Flirting experience and skills - shocking. Sure I haven’t had the opportunity lately to even practice.
Last time - era, I’d say it’s been years since anyone my age or little older took a half hearted interest in me.
I get unwanted attention from absolute creeps..but I think all girls my age have experienced these pervs (- on the street etc)
Social circle isn’t great. I like to blame work but I know I should make more of an effort to meet up more with the girls..

Admitting this actually has me tearful cause I must really be awful in men’s eyes.

You don't need "opportunity" to flirt, its something you should do every day. doesn't even have to be the opposite sex. Just practice being naturally open and chatty and tactile. I did it literally five seconds ago. Smile at people. A tap on the arm while talking, slag a co-worker playfully, a bit of over-and-back with a shop assistant, delivery man, old acquaintance, etc etc. The objective is to become someone that naturally draws people in, engages, invites them to communicate, projects an overall air of friendliness. Then when someone you like the look of comes along, you're less of a deer-in-the-headlights who comes across as aloof / cold and you're just your friendly, natural self.

there are clearly parts of your life that you're not happy with and i think you're falling into the trap of expecting a man / relationship to come along and fix all of that. That's why it's making you miserable, as opposed to just being one part of your life that you're working on but the rest is pretty damn good.

the reality is it won't. Relationships are hard work and can be very lonely places. They can come with their own set of problems. your happiness needs to be tied to things you can control, right now, like those social connections and hobbies and plans with family and friends and setting and reaching goals and feeling confident about who you are and what you have to offer. then you'll view dating and men through the prism of "i wonder if this guy has anything to offer me" as someone above already so eloquently described about meeting her current partner. instead of this "oh once again, i'm not good enough".

boo84

A couple of things that I would say about joining a new group/club/society are that you have to give it time and be prepared for people not showing up. When you join up first there may be nobody that you're interested in, or if there is somebody, it can take a bit of time before you get to know them. Also, I've found that people come and go from groups all the time. They may be there one week and then not turn up again for another month, or ever again!

Kidchameleon

bitofabind wrote: »

What if you actually decided to get happy on your own, without relying on men to make you feel good about yourself or validated?

You clearly are telling yourself a lot of stories about "men" and what their lack of attention means. Why?

I've been single about 2 years and have had some rough dating experiences in the last year or so. I recently had an epiphany. With 99.99999% of the men you meet, it won't work out. It's not personal, it's not some situation unique to you and how "unattractive" or "not good enough" you are, it's just the ways of the universe. That's dating. That's clearly your experience too.

OP if you take one thing from this thread it should be to not take advise from a femenist like what I have quoted above. In general, women are happiest when they partner up with a good man & build a home and family together. You have indicated that's what you want so keep doing your hobbies, a decent guy WILL come along. If you took the advise of some people here and decided to be alone, you would be miserable

qwerty13

That isn’t necessarily true that a decent guy WILL come along. I know people for whom it just hasn’t happened. I also know people who settled for a relationship, because I think they were afraid of being on their own.

The number of people I know who are in a good relationship is actually quite small. All of the above is why it’s important for the OP to sort out her own happiness / fulfilment as a person, and not fall into the mindset that some guy / a relationship is going to fix that

bitofabind

Kidchameleon wrote: »

OP if you take one thing from this thread it should be to not take advise from a femenist like what I have quoted above. In general, women are happiest when they partner up with a good man & build a home and family together. You have indicated that's what you want so keep doing your hobbies, a decent guy WILL come along. If you took the advise of some people here and decided to be alone, you would be miserable

jaysus that's some guff there. the point is the OP IS miserable in her pursuit of the things you're saying women are happiest with and it's not working for her.

most of us want to meet the right partner and build a life together, (me included, shock horror from a hairy pitted feminist eh?!) sometimes that desire can skew our behaviours and work against us. when we think it's the be-all and end-all and it's going to fix all of our life problems. it can drive behaviours that don't show us at our best to potential prospects.

telling someone "you WILL meet a decent guy", when she's not getting those results already, and with no clear guidelines on how to fix those other things that are making her unhappy...and expecting her to suddenly feel grand about the whole thing...is about as helpful as a glass hammer.

Mr. Incognito

When I read your first post I had sympathy for you.

When I read your subsequent posts a lot of this language jumps out

I WANT. They are distracted. etc.

It sounds like you expect to be the centre of attention in the person's life who you are dating and when you are not getting that attention you seem to throw a fit. You even gave out that you are not the centre of attention on your own thread. I mean seriously.

A normal healthy relationship has three things

One person who has healthy hobbies, interests, goals, work.

Another person who has healty hobbies interests goals work etc.

The relationship which both people invest into.

Your idea of a relationship and your language around it. I want a laugh etc strikes me as immature and is systematic of what I find dating where everyone is looking for someone to service their needs. People dating today have the me me me me symptom. A relationship is I, you and "we". They need to be balanced.

If you want a healthy "we", maybe work on a healthy "I" for a while.

cj maxx

Porklife wrote: »

You may come across as a bit dull if this post is anything to go by!

I don't think she comes across as dull.
To many people are fooled by others on social media into thinking they're having the time of their lives when half the time they're just being idiots
Meet people half way. If theres a group going out see if you can be invited. In any group theres crazy ones and sensible ones . You don't have to mimic the crazy ones ! Start off just going to bars and skip any clubbing for a while. Most "mad" nights out weren't so brilliant at the time anyway.
As you feel more comfortable with them , and them with you , you'll be invited more. And don't forget, if you are reasonably attractive you will be chatted up and when that happens just be yourself.

LegacyUser

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

When I read your first post I had sympathy for you.

When I read your subsequent posts a lot of this language jumps out

I WANT. They are distracted. etc.

It sounds like you expect to be the centre of attention in the person's life who you are dating and when you are not getting that attention you seem to throw a fit. You even gave out that you are not the centre of attention on your own thread. I mean seriously.

A normal healthy relationship has three things

One person who has healthy hobbies, interests, goals, work.

Another person who has healty hobbies interests goals work etc.

The relationship which both people invest into.

Your idea of a relationship and your language around it. I want a laugh etc strikes me as immature and is systematic of what I find dating where everyone is looking for someone to service their needs. People dating today have the me me me me symptom. A relationship is I, you and "we". They need to be balanced.

If you want a healthy "we", maybe work on a healthy "I" for a while.

What?

I don’t expect to be the centre of attention at all.
Jesus I was only looking for advice on how to engage men in conversation?
And if you had been reading through the thread you would of noticed as did another mod that there was a off topic debate going on back and forth and it was way off point??
Excuse me if I wanted to stay on point and address the problems in my OP??
I want a laugh? Yes I would like to chat and laugh with a man like minded and actually have fun. After all, I am 29, not 59!
I could repeat what I wrote in several posts for the...10th time but clearly there would be no point because one or two people commenting here are just not reading what I’m saying and I’m sick of repeating it.



Anyway- I’ll take some advice on board here ( some very good advice from above posters) and try and relax a bit Socialise more !!

Mr. Incognito

Reallifegirlhere wrote: »

What?

I don’t expect to be the centre of attention at all.
Jesus I was only looking for advice on how to engage men in conversation?
And if you had been reading through the thread you would of noticed as did another mod that there was a off topic debate going on back and forth and it was way off point??
Excuse me if I wanted to stay on point and address the problems in my OP??
I want a laugh? Yes I would like to chat and laugh with a man like minded and actually have fun. After all, I am 29, not 59!
I could repeat what I wrote in several posts for the...10th time but clearly there would be no point because one or two people commenting here are just not reading what I’m saying and I’m sick of repeating it.



Anyway- I’ll take some advice on board here ( some very good advice from above posters) and try and relax a bit Socialise more !!

I think there is no point opening a thread looking for feedback if your reaction to that feedback is defensive and deflecting.

Your OP said

All I want to do is have fun, laugh and be desired by a man

My point, which appeared to go right over your head is that being desired by a man is not a relationship goal.

A relationship is where two people who have balanced lives decided to invest in spending their time with someone else. If that someone else is dictating how that other person should behave towards them or expecting them to behave according to their preconditions that will never last long.

What I was trying to say is that you need to learn to work on yourself for a while so that a relationship is not a barometer of your self esteem nor will you be defined by it. It is supposed to compliment you not define you.

I would advise that you actually reflect on the advice given here and not just the advice that you agree with. Otherwise what's the point of opening a thread.

Cool Rider

1. I think its considered being polite in the society to say to a female- "you are looking pretty", so dont rely on feedback of people you know. If you don't turn heads on street maybe you are just average, and the way you 're treated on dates so far seems to hold that true. Just want you to be realistic.
2. There are lot of girls your age in same boat, try little older guys may be 5-10 years your age, who are little less tech-savvy and can keep there eyes on you rather than their phones.
3. Breathe, stay calm, be bold to pursue opportunities that present themselves and it'll happen when the time is right.
Best of luck...

woodchuck

Mod note:

As the OP hasn't been back in a couple of months, I think it's time to close this thread.