What should I do now

LegacyUser

Posting unreggd as I'm a regular poster but lots of personal details here

I'm a 39 year old single gay guy who has never been in a relationship. Because I was bullied in school I have always found it difficult to make close friends so I have noone to ask for advice on this (though I do have a lot of friends)

Anyway - long story but I went to Belfast Pride. I live near Dublin
I met a guy online and we were talking for 2 or 3 days and then had sex. I felt there was a real connection between us.. We both were very physically attracted to each other.

I am thinking I would like to explore the possibility of a relationship but it all seems a bit complex living so far away.

Honeydew3456

If there is a will there is a way, regardless of location!

Is the other guy looking for a relationship also?

punisher5112

It's not really that far away to be honest....

If you are both attracted then go for it... You only live once.

ManOfMystery

It's 90 mins in a car. Couple of hrs by train. It's really not complex at all - some people do that commute every day.

What do you have to lose? You could easily spend weekends together at least, more when there's holidays and bank holidays and so on.

ILoveYourVibes

Go for it OP!

LegacyUser

Honeydew3456 wrote: »

If there is a will there is a way, regardless of location!

Is the other guy looking for a relationship also?

I dont know if he is or not to be honest.

Should I just ask?

Ugh. I dont even know what to say

Kidchameleon

Life is too short to worry, go for it

GRACKEA

I wouldn't ask immediately if he wants to be in relationship, but start by asking to meet up again. And suggest something that isn't solely about sex e.g. lunch or brunch on the weekend.

After a couple of dates or if you've been communicating regularly and the conversation steers that way, you could drop the "what are you looking for?" Or even the "What are we?"

A good slow burn is always safest I think.

LegacyUser

GRACKEA wrote: »

I wouldn't ask immediately if he wants to be in relationship, but start by asking to meet up again. And suggest something that isn't solely about sex e.g. lunch or brunch on the weekend.

After a couple of dates or if you've been communicating regularly and the conversation steers that way, you could drop the "what are you looking for?" Or even the "What are we?"

A good slow burn is always safest I think.

Haha cool

I'm 39 and I've never been in a relationship so I struggle with basically all of this.

Yeah that sounds like good advice but I jumped the gun a little on it. So we were chatting a bit over the last few days and I suggested meeting again for sex!!! (I guess the gay world is probably a bit oversessed with sex)

I think you are right - I dont want to come across as clingy and needy but I do find it hard to know what to do!!

Locker10a

Bi ngozerojtp wrote: »

Haha cool

I'm 39 and I've never been in a relationship so I struggle with basically all of this.

Yeah that sounds like good advice but I jumped the gun a little on it. So we were chatting a bit over the last few days and I suggested meeting again for sex!!! (I guess the gay world is probably a bit oversessed with sex)

I think you are right - I dont want to come across as clingy and needy but I do find it hard to know what to do!!

I’ll be honest here, this sounds like more of a casual sex, FWB path you’ve gone down here. Yes of course it can lead to something more but you’d need to gradually and carefully steer it that way.
If you’re looking to date people with the intention of a slightly more serious relationship then you probably should steer clear of allowing things revolve around sex early on. I realise that sounds a bit old fashioned and patronising but I don’t mean it to be, it’s just guys especially can be very happy to have casual sex without anything going further and any commitment, and that’s absolutely fine if both parties want that, but if you’re looking for more you may feel hurt or disappointed.
If you like this guy try doing dates that won’t end in the bed room, you’ll learn very quickly if he’s interested in you as a person to date or not.

LegacyUser

Locker10a wrote: »

I’ll be honest here, this sounds like more of a casual sex, FWB path you’ve gone down here. Yes of course it can lead to something more but you’d need to gradually and carefully steer it that way.
If you’re looking to date people with the intention of a slightly more serious relationship then you probably should steer clear of allowing things revolve around sex early on. I realise that sounds a bit old fashioned and patronising but I don’t mean it to be, it’s just guys especially can be very happy to have casual sex without anything going further and any commitment, and that’s absolutely fine if both parties want that, but if you’re looking for more you may feel hurt or disappointed.
If you like this guy try doing dates that won’t end in the bed room, you’ll learn very quickly if he’s interested in you as a person to date or not.

I hear ya

It does sound that way a bit but we have been chatting a good bit since.

Yeah cool I will try and stear it towards maybe meeting for a lunch date or something.

I feel there is a bit of a connection beyond sex lol but as I said have zero experience with relationships!

Locker10a

Bingo0jtp wrote: »

I hear ya

It does sound that way a bit but we have been chatting a good bit since.

Yeah cool I will try and stear it towards maybe meeting for a lunch date or something.

I feel there is a bit of a connection beyond sex lol but as I said have zero experience with relationships!

Well let’s put it this way, you already have discovered you’re sexually attracted to one another, so for a minimum of a further 2/3 dates I’d do something like lunch or an activity that’s just spending time together and nothing bed room related. That’s how I’d play it.

LegacyUser

Locker10a wrote: »

Well let’s put it this way, you already have discovered you’re sexually attracted to one another, so for a minimum of a further 2/3 dates I’d do something like lunch or an activity that’s just spending time together and nothing bed room related. That’s how I’d play it.

Sounds like a good plan.

Will try it -

I am just quite nervous about it all.

I don't want to appear overly pushy or clingy and I dont want to seem like I am rushing things either.

Ursus Horribilis

Yes, I can understand why you're nervous. What do you have to lose though? At the moment, you're in limbo and you're trying to figure out where you stand. If you're brave here and offer to meet up again, you can gauge where things are going. If it turns out that he's not interested or just wants sex, at least you'll know. Would going away to lick your wounds for a while really be worse than having that nagging "What if?" question in your mind?

In my experience, I've always been delighted to hear again from guys I fancied. It's when the ones I didn't fancy texted/called that I wished they'd go away.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Yes, I can understand why you're nervous. What do you have to lose though? At the moment, you're in limbo and you're trying to figure out where you stand. If you're brave here and offer to meet up again, you can gauge where things are going. If it turns out that he's not interested or just wants sex, at least you'll know. Would going away to lick your wounds for a while really be worse than having that nagging "What if?" question in your mind?

In my experience, I've always been delighted to hear again from guys I fancied. It's when the ones I didn't fancy texted/called that I wished they'd go away.

Ah we met up on Monday night and have been chatting on and off since. It all seems quite friendly etc.

I will ask him tomorrow about meeting for lunch.

ILoveYourVibes

Zerobingo wrote: »

I don't want to appear overly pushy or clingy and I dont want to seem like I am rushing things either.

DUDE its HIM who has to meet your standards not the other way around.

You are just sussing him out etc.

qwerty13

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

Zerobingo wrote: »

I don't want to appear overly pushy or clingy and I dont want to seem like I am rushing things either.

DUDE its HIM who has to meet your standards not the other way around.

You are just sussing him out etc.

That’s not necessarily true. They could be both sussing each other out.

And I personally do not think it is a good idea at all for anyone engaging with someone to assume that either party has to meet the ‘standards’ of the other person. That’s a very one way street. The total opposite of how a relationship should work - whether that’s a meeting of bodies, or bodies & minds as well.

ILoveYourVibes

qwerty13 wrote: »

That’s not necessarily true. They could be both sussing each other out.

And I personally do not think it is a good idea at all for anyone engaging with someone to assume that either party has to meet the ‘standards’ of the other person. That’s a very one way street. The total opposite of how a relationship should work - whether that’s a meeting of bodies, or bodies & minds as well.

I am just givin the OP a pep talk!

qwerty13

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

qwerty13 wrote: »

That’s not necessarily true. They could be both sussing each other out.

And I personally do not think it is a good idea at all for anyone engaging with someone to assume that either party has to meet the ‘standards’ of the other person. That’s a very one way street. The total opposite of how a relationship should work - whether that’s a meeting of bodies, or bodies & minds as well.

I am just givin the OP a pep talk!

I think what you’ve said is a really very bad idea. I think it creates a false self of entitlement, and not a fostering of common grounds

Annasopra

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

I am just givin the OP a pep talk!

I don't understand what your point is really.

The op is nervous about how he might come across. I think this idea of "stsndards" is a bit overly confrontational. The op and this guy perhaps need to find common ground with each other not have some judgemental standards on each other!

OP hope it all goes well for you

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the helpful responses so far

I asked him for a lunch date today and he agreed so it seems to be going well so far.

Unanimous

BingoZeroJTP wrote: »

Posting unreggd as I'm a regular poster but lots of personal details here

I'm a 39 year old single gay guy who has never been in a relationship. Because I was bullied in school I have always found it difficult to make close friends so I have noone to ask for advice on this (though I do have a lot of friends)

Anyway - long story but I went to Belfast Pride. I live near Dublin
I met a guy online and we were talking for 2 or 3 days and then had sex. I felt there was a real connection between us.. We both were very physically attracted to each other.

I am thinking I would like to explore the possibility of a relationship but it all seems a bit complex living so far away.

What was the connection that you had? physical attraction?
you haven't gotten to know this person and getting to know them will be hard because they live far away!
Plus sex so soon? you have to be very careful to ensure that you are making the right decision whatever you choose to do.
I will not be too invested even though I will give it a try

ILoveYourVibes

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

I don't understand what your point is really.

The op is nervous about how he might come across. I think this idea of "stsndards" is a bit overly confrontational. The op and this guy perhaps need to find common ground with each other not have some judgemental standards on each other!

The OP needs some confidence and a little self esteem. That should be obvious.

Annasopra

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

The OP needs some confidence and a little self esteem. That should be obvious.

Not really sure how you are giving it to him though

Good news op re the date

LegacyUser

Unanimous wrote: »

What was the connection that you had? physical attraction?
you haven't gotten to know this person and getting to know them will be hard because they live far away!
Plus sex so soon? you have to be very careful to ensure that you are making the right decision whatever you choose to do.
I will not be too invested even though I will give it a try

I hear you but thats kinf of how things work in the gay world with grindr!

Ah I think there's numerous attractiins, physical attraction, emotional attractions, generaly liking each other and getting each others humour.

Am I over investing in it? Perhaps but then if I don't "invest" then I keep going on as normal - a lonely 39 year old single gay guy feeling sorry for myself

ILoveYourVibes

Joeytheparrot wrote: »

Not really sure how you are giving it to him though

Good news op re the date

It doesnt matter now.

Good luck op!

Have a nice weekend Joey.:)

LegacyUser

Unanimous wrote: »

What was the connection that you had? physical attraction?
you haven't gotten to know this person and getting to know them will be hard because they live far away!
Plus sex so soon? you have to be very careful to ensure that you are making the right decision whatever you choose to do.
I will not be too invested even though I will give it a try

Ah I think it's a mixture of lots of different attractions to be honest, we were of course phsically attracted yes but I think there was some emotional attractions, shared humour, shared interest in certain areas.

To be honest with the world of gay men and online dating apps thats how things go now in terms of sex.

I think I need to try and give this a go as otherwise I will regret it. I'm not sure are you saying I am over invested? Perhaps but you know I believe I need to take positive risk on this. If I dont then I guess I could end up a lonely old man who has never been in a relationship.

Annasopra

Hope it goes well for you OP

LegacyUser

So an update on this

We have been chatting for just over a month now.

Initially I suggested a date in August to meet for lunch. It didnt suit him. Then he suggested another saturday in August. This was agreed. Then he pulled out. He explained to me that he wasnt fobbing me off that he has a lot going on in his life with a new job and buying his own house. I accepted this. A week or two later I told him I want to meet again. He said to me there is a lot happening with him at the minute, he does want to meet again and we will organise something soon. Thats a week ago. He has also indicated to me he wants to take things slowly and that he has been in the past with personal friendships (though he didnt say relationships) So what do I do now?

A Keep chatting, leave the ball in his court and wait to see what he suggests about meeting again?, honestly like how long is acceptable to wait
B Push him and say I want to meet
C A combination of both - give him weekends I am free etc

If I choose A at what stage should I just give up and move on?

Calypso Realm

So it's been a month or more since you last met? Far too long. Sorry but this guy is still stringing you along and isn't interested.

So cease all contact now. Ball firmly in his court. I'd move on though if I were you.

Kidchameleon

Unfortunately OP, it looks like he is not interested. I had hoped for a better outcome for you. What I would do now is, leave the ball in his court and don't initiate any more contact, let him come to you and in the mean time, keep living your life, meet new people.

BuboBubo

Aww op, you deserve better than this.

Cut him loose, plenty more fish in the sea.

LegacyUser

Calypso Realm wrote: »

So it's been a month or more since you last met? Far too long. Sorry but this guy is still stringing you along and isn't interested.

So cease all contact now. Ball firmly in his court. I'd move on though if I were you.

I can see your point. On the other hand on 3 or 4 separate occasions though he has stated he definitely wants to meet. So in a sense I am getting mixed messages. I think the optimistic side of me believes what he is saying that a) he genuinely does want to meet and b) he has genuine reasons for being very busy right now c) because of his own insecurities he wants to take things very very slowly

I dunno - My heart just sank reading the last 3 messages.

I know it sounds like I am asking advice here and that I am disregarding all advice but I do feel there is still potential for something.

Ursus Horribilis

When getting a date organised is the equivalent of trying to nail jelly to a wall, it's time to move on. It can be helpful to ask yourself what would you do if the roles were switched. Even if you were up to your eyes, you'd make the effort to see him again. Even if it was only for a couple of hours when you could spare the time. You'd take steps to show your interest, not just use nice words that don't cost a thing.

Being "busy" is one of the oldest excuses in the book. I've had it said to me. I've done it to other people I wasn't interested in seeing again. That "taking things slowly" is usually another form of a brush-off too. Really, none of the signs emanating from this other guy are positive.

I would consider the ball to be in his court now. If you feel you don't want to leave things as they are, you could send one last message and say you'd love to see him again when he's less busy. Then leave it at that. Keeping in contact isn't going to get you another date. If he likes you enough, he'll be back. If not, all you can do is chalk this one down to experience. There is nothing more frustrating than someone you really like not being interested in pursuing something you feel has potential. But if someone isn't interested, there's nothing you can do only reluctantly accept it.

Calypso Realm

Bingoz wrote: »

I can see your point. On the other hand on 3 or 4 separate occasions though he has stated he definitely wants to meet. So in a sense I am getting mixed messages. I think the optimistic side of me believes what he is saying that.

Just to add to the very good adivice UH has given above, in cases like thi, it's always best to judge interest on ACTIONS, not words! It's what people actually do, not what they say they'll do that counts.

You sound like a nice, genuine person OP and I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation, but moving forward - in scenarios like this when you call someone and they can't meet up etc, wait for them to reschedule (good sign). Failing that wait and see, if and when, they get back to you! Never double text or call and take it as a sign of lack of interest, if you hear nothing back! (A lot of folks won't come straight out and say they're not interested and use excuses, instead)

Then move on.....next!

Annasopra

OP I think you probably just need to move on at this stage.

LegacyUser

Hmmmmm

Part of me kind of wants to cling onto some hope and believes his words. Its complex I think. Both of us have been in very negative places in the past and are in counselling. I get the impression he has either been badly hurt in the past or is currently going through depression. He said to me at the moment he isnt even meeting any friends. Maybe I'm gullible but part of me does believe his words.

But I know you are all correct really.

Xterminator

there is no need to cut him off completely, unless the situation is wrecking your head.

i do agree if he was very interested he would probably make more of an effort. But taking him at his word, he has a lot going on, and has his own issues to deal with. so give him space and time & see where it leads.

If you can get on with your life and still have the odd chat, there no need to cut contact.

Calypso Realm

Bingo Z wrote: »

Hmmmmm

Part of me kind of wants to cling onto some hope and believes his words. Its complex I think. Both of us have been in very negative places in the past and are in counselling. I get the impression he has either been badly hurt in the past or is currently going through depression. He said to me at the moment he isnt even meeting any friends. Maybe I'm gullible but part of me does believe his words.

But I know you are all correct really.

Has he actually told you he's going through a tough time or are these just your assumptions, OP?

Assuming it's true, what you've outlined above would be another reason not to bother him too much, as could well be seen as another source of stress-something you do not want!

For whatever reason, he doesn't want to meet up at the moment. so I'd still leave it up to him, from now on. (Also let him wonder about you, for a change!)

miamee

Bingo Z wrote: »

Hmmmmm

Part of me kind of wants to cling onto some hope and believes his words. Its complex I think. Both of us have been in very negative places in the past and are in counselling. I get the impression he has either been badly hurt in the past or is currently going through depression. He said to me at the moment he isnt even meeting any friends. Maybe I'm gullible but part of me does believe his words.

But I know you are all correct really.

If all of this is true then he is nowhere near ready for a relationship I'm afraid. Not even meeting his friends? He's either laying it on thick for you or really not in a good place - either way, as I said, he isn't in the right space for a relationship.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

there is no need to cut him off completely, unless the situation is wrecking your head.

i do agree if he was very interested he would probably make more of an effort. But taking him at his word, he has a lot going on, and has his own issues to deal with. so give him space and time & see where it leads.

If you can get on with your life and still have the odd chat, there no need to cut contact.

I was thinking about this in the last few days.

I suppose initially in our conversations I was probably a bit over obsessive and I guess that is natural at the beginning of relationships. I think in a lot of ways the last month I've been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster about this guy and what might or might not happen.

It's hard to describe all of the conversations we have had in this discussion but I do think there's connection there; some shared interests, an ability to laugh at situations, sharing personal stories and quite private information with each other. There's also as a result some level of mutual trust.

Part of my issues growing up were that I socially isolated myself from everyone completely. I think he was probably in some ways the opposite. So we have this reverse thing going on where I have been very sharing and open with him which I don't usually do because My Counsellor has highlighted to me that I close myself off to people too much and he has been a little bit distant with me which he doesn't usually do because his Counsellor said he overshares to people too much (at the same time he has shared).

I feel from our conversations there is genuine engagement though some hesitancy on his part but I do feel that I understand why there is hesitancy; stress related to 2 or 3 issues plus what his counsellor recommended - take things slowly.

So I think to me your post makes sense - a lot of sense.

There is also how long do I keep waiting and to be honest I am fed up waiting already.

This is kind of a wind long winded way of saying that I will probably move on but leave the door open. I suppose what I am thinking is A) take him at face value and give him time and space - something may or may not happen in some ways harness what is there and if there is not going to be a relationship then no reason why friendship cant build C) Don't overthink everything with this guy, drop the obsession emotions a bit and look for other opportunities to develop relationships D) Keep chatting online in a friendly manner to him E) if something happens it happens, if it doesn't I probably still have a friend

Annasopra

Hmmm

That may work but you need to probably not overly invest yourself into thinking that there will be a relationship. I.e. dont build it into somethings its not and then have your hopes crushed. Also if you start trying another potential relationship what happens then?

LegacyUser

Bit of an update

I have been chatting to him on and off a good bit in the last week or two.

He has explained in more detail 2 aspects of what is going on that he doesnt want to meet right now. Both are very stressful and I totally get his reasons. They are very understandable.

I think as I said above I am going to keep chatting and see where things go. I get the points everyone made above so hopefully nobody above thinks I am ignoring their advice. I'm not.

I'm also adjusting my expectations a lot. He may not be ready at all for a relationship. Thats ok.

LegacyUser

Another update

So we have still been talking on and off almost every day or every 2 or 3 days. He had some very stressful things in his life. One of them has been resolved satisfactorily to some extent.

Anyway theres an event on tomorrow in Belfast that interests us both. I decided to ask if he wants to meet up for a coffee or lunch and he agreed.

So it looks like we are meeting for a really informal date tomorrow.

I'm kind of nervous and excited now