Guy has a girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hoping I won't be judged too harshly for this...

I met a guy on Tinder and we really hit it off. The problem is, I later found out he has a girlfriend. He told me he struggles with monogamy and does feel bad about the situation but isn't sure what to do.

The red flags are huge, I know, but since talking to him we have a connection I haven't felt with anyone else. We have so much in common and we can talk about anything. He has told me I'm really special, but I know he might just be buttering me up. He says he really likes me but doesn't know what to do. I feel pathetic even writing this, and I know I sound naive, but he does seem so genuine. I never thought I'd allow myself to be treated like this, and to do that to another girl. But I can't seem to let him go. I don't know what to do.

woodchuck

You know he has a girlfriend and yet you're still seeing him. Why? Do you hope he'll break up with her and get into a relationship with you instead? Even if he does, he'll just end up doing the same thing to you that he's doing to her right now. You'll never, NEVER, be able to trust him.

salmocab

He told you he’s not into monogamy and your still keen. I can see this going very well.

copperhead

Has he said or given any indication that he is going to finish his current relationship, if so I would take a backseat for a while until he is officially single, if not he is just blowing smoke up your ass and chancing his arm for the ride, if he genuinely feels the same connection as yourself he will leave his current girlfriend

waxmelts2000

RUN, if he will do this to her, it won't be long before he will do it to you.

leggo

Those who cheat with you, cheat on you. Simple and cliched but also true.

OP you need to run away from this fast and have a serious heart-to-heart with yourself about why you find this situation appealing when most others wouldn’t even give this guy a second glance knowing what you know.

I guarantee, if/when you examine it, it’s actually got nothing to do with anything this guy could give you and everything to do with how you feel about yourself. And pursuing this will only make that problem way bigger: this is how people end up having breakdowns and the like.

dellas1979

Ah let me guess---you are the one he is going to be faithful to?

Never mind the red flags flying all over the place on the "relationship", there are a lot of red flags about your behaviour.

You are harbouring feelings for a guy who will never be faithful to you (he's told you this as plain as day), who has a gf, who is emotionally unavailable.

Guys like this know how to play someone like you like a fiddle. So the connection you are feeling, albeit feels real to you (youll be the one left very hurt), is not real to him.

Why would you want to do this to yourself? Would you not want to protect yourself instead? You really need to examine/why this situation is attractive to you. Low self worth/esteem/low opinion of yourself?

osarusan

This will probably end with him cheating and saying 'I told you I had a problem with monogamy.'

Lotus Flower

There's a saying- when a man leaves his wife for a mistress, he's creating a vacancy. Meaning that if he'll cheat on her with you, he'll cheat on you too (I know he's not married but it's the same idea)

Have some self respect and walk away. No matter what bull he's filling you with, you're the other woman.

Edited to add: if he's on Tinder, you can bet your bottom dollar he's talking to multiple other women. He didn't accidentally meet you and find you so "special" and feel a "connection", he basically was deliberately looking to cheat

Kidchameleon

Dont blame him when it all goes wrong, blame yourself.

Dump him now, you are hurting his girlfriend.

lainey_d_123

I actually know quite a few people who started seeing their OH when they still had a boyfriend/girlfriend, and it doesn't seem to be an issue for them. Some of them are married now.

Personally, I would never be able to trust someone who cheated on their OH with me so easily. I'd just be waiting for them to do the same to me. They've already shown that they're willing to cross that line and cheat rather than leaving the partner they're not happy with, so what's to stop them doing it again?

That you met on Tinder makes it all worse. It's not a situation where he met someone at work and a genuine connection built up and he's torn between you. He literally downloaded a dating/hookup app behind his partner's back with the aim of cheating on her.

He's told you he has a problem with monogamy, meaning he has no intention of being faithful. Is this OK with you?

IAMAMORON

What a hilarious dude. I must admit he sounds stone cold. He is obviously strikingly attractive and has you right where he wants you, in dilemma land.

It is an ancient tactic used by the most lethal of predatory males. He has you convinced that he is a nice guy by " opening up " to you about how he feels about monogamy. He has created your impression that things " might be different" when you eventually start sleeping together. It is a classic manoeuvre, women naturally like to manipulate and mould their partners, he is hoping you bite here and try to "change" him. When he gets bored with you and moves on he can always say he was open with you and that it is " his" fault.

It is up to you to now decide what you want out of this guy. Just be aware that he is not boyfriend material. He never will be to anyone. As I said that does not mean you can't have a relationship with him, but you are going to have to be prepared to share him with his other partner(s).

Please don't make the mistake of thinking your different, this situation is not about you, it is all about him. He is the one setting all the rules here.

If you find him physically attractive and you are happy with some no strings action why not? Just be careful you do not get emotionally attached, he will not be changing for you or for anyone. If you cannot handle a casual thing with him then move on. There are loads of men out there better looking than him who are probably not as exciting as him, lol.

leggo

IAMAMORON wrote: »

It is an ancient tactic used by the most lethal of predatory males. He has you convinced that he is a nice guy by " opening up " to you about how he feels about monogamy. He has created your impression that things " might be different" when you eventually start sleeping together.

I don’t personally agree with all this post but there’s something to this section. You’ll even see this stuff on here when the subject of cheating comes up: they justify what they do by waffling about how cavemen used to cheat and other such crap they’re convincing themselves of. But ask them if they’d be okay if their partner rode their best friend and they’ll go quiet, or go into how it’s a woman’s job to take care of the kids so when they do it, they’re wrong. So it’s not really about feelings towards monogamy at all. It’s about broken selfish people who want to control and use others yet not give the same back.

I had a feeling it’d come up that people would say “My/my friend’s relationship started through cheating and it’s perfect now.” I’ve only really heard about that anecdotally with others assuring that the relationship is, in fact, perfect. In my experience, when I’ve known people who cheat and carry on this way, even when they find ‘the one’, it’s more about finding a person who puts them on a pedestal and doesn’t see the web of lies they’ve got them wrapped in. But you have to know what to look for before you can see it I guess.

People are who they are. Not that they can’t change, I don’t subscribe to “Once a cheater, always a cheater” for example, but OP this person is directly communicating to you “I’m not going to change, this is the line I’m drawing and expect different at your own risk, you’ve been warned.” You can listen to him and make the smart decision. Or you can ignore the warning signs he’s literally telling you, become the latest person convinced they can ‘change’ someone they fancy and end up back on here in a few months way worse off and wishing you’d listened.

zapper55

I don't know anyone whose relationship started when they were with someone else. This is not normal behaviour.

If you guys had a friendship first that developed into feelings and he said what he said then I'd think fair enough. He'd breakup with his girlfriend and make a go of it with you. Neither of you set out for it to happen.

But that's not what's happening here. He's on Tinder for sex. Unfortunately he's realised you are entranced/naive/judgement clouded by lust enough to fall for his bull****.

I think you are going to ignore all the advice on her and keep seeing him until he eventually breaks your heart.

You have a choice here. You can stop seeing him and stop being complicit in him cheating on his girlfriend.

I'd then have a hard think about why you have so little value on yourself that you are willing to accept crumbs from this man.

zapper55

Also if he struggles with monogamy then this'll be the excuse when he cheats on you and I'd be surprised if he hasn't cheated already on his current girlfriend.

Of course he knows what to do. Tell his girlfriend, break up with her and then be non-monogamus with whoever he likes. But he won't because he wants it all, a relationship and **** buddies.

splinter65

He wants to go from woman to woman having loads of sex and lots of fun with them all, and have them all being exclusive to him.
When you find out that you thought you had a great “connection” with him but he’s actually having sex with other women and he’s still officially with current his girlfriend then you can cry and cry and he can shrug his shoulders and remind you that he “struggles” with monogamy.
Why is your self esteem so low? Why have you no self respect or even any dignity?

lainey_d_123

zapper55 wrote: »

I don't know anyone whose relationship started when they were with someone else. This is not normal behaviour.

If you guys had a friendship first that developed into feelings and he said what he said then I'd think fair enough. He'd breakup with his girlfriend and make a go of it with you. Neither of you set out for it to happen.

But that's not what's happening here. He's on Tinder for sex. Unfortunately he's realised you are entranced/naive/judgement clouded by lust enough to fall for his bull****.

I think you are going to ignore all the advice on her and keep seeing him until he eventually breaks your heart.

You have a choice here. You can stop seeing him and stop being complicit in him cheating on his girlfriend.

I'd then have a hard think about why you have so little value on yourself that you are willing to accept crumbs from this man.

They don't tend to go around broadcasting it. I've found out that quite a few people I know had relationships that started off this way. They seem to convince themselves that it was no big deal. A work colleague met his wife on a dating site when she was seeing someone else and doesn't seem to think that reflects on her morals in any way. Just a shrug and a 'well, she dumped him when we started getting serious', as if he was just nothing. No thought at all to why on earth she didn't dump the guy BEFORE she started looking for an upgrade or how weak she must be to have to look for a replacement rather than risk being on her own.

I think you'd be surprised how common it is, even with people you'd previously thought were sound.

Sephiroth_dude

Ya and he probably has that same " great connection" with all the other girls he talks with on there as well, don't get involved with him, he's not single.

He's telling you who he is. Believe him. If you want a realtionship with this guy who will go with other women and dump you when you become in any way annoying then go for it. Clearly looks are more important to you than personality, empathy or common decency.

Think about this guys girlfriend for a second.

splinter65

What would interest me is this guys reaction if the OP turned up at their next hook up and announced that she’d met another guy on tinder who she liked a lot but wanted to keep seeing them both.

Ursus Horribilis

I bet this guy is very charismatic, right? The sort of fella who knows how to charm women and make them feel like they're the most important person in the world. It's easy for him to say he doesn't believe in monogamy because he has probably never had any trouble getting girls. More importantly for him, it gives him an "out" to continue to chase/sleep with other women.

There's nothing new I can add to the advice you've already been given. No matter what you choose to do next, it is going to end with you being hurt.

_blaaz

Yous are not doing anything wrong imo(he is,being the not single one)and cheating is widespread anyways



But would ya be bothered bringing all.that hardship on yourself?.....like theres no good endpoint to this

Lotus Flower

splinter65 wrote: »

What would interest me is this guys reaction if the OP turned up at their next hook up and announced that she’d met another guy on tinder who she liked a lot but wanted to keep seeing them both.

Doubt he'd care. If anything it would give him further justification to keep doing what he's doing

Lotus Flower

_blaaz wrote: »

Yous are not doing anything wrong imo(he is,being the not single one)and cheating is widespread anyways



But would ya be bothered bringing all.that hardship on yourself?.....like theres no good endpoint to this

That's not true, if the other person knows they're in a relationship and they proceed, they're also to blame. It takes two to tango and all that

punisher5112

Knew a tipp lad exactly like this, he had a gf for quite some time lived cost free with her and was off on the ride at least twice a week, he could pick up anyone he wanted in the clubs and some of these would be with someone and his saying was they're some cnut but feck it I can have them but if me gf done it she be the biggest cnut......

What a divk

_blaaz

Lotus Flower wrote: »

That's not true, if the other person knows they're in a relationship and they proceed, they're also to blame. It takes two to tango and all that

It takes two to tango alright.....but only 1 is in wrong here imo


Shes single...he isnt....shes well entitled to get ride/date whoever she wants....he isnt


No offense to OP,but i doubt she/anyone is so irrestistable that he have no choice but to cheat

Lotus Flower

_blaaz wrote: »

It takes two to tango alright.....but only 1 is in wrong here imo


Shes single...he isnt....shes well entitled to get ride/date whoever she wants....he isnt

So if someone else got with your partner knowing that they were with you, you wouldn't be annoyed at all, you'd just think "Ah sure grand you're entitled to ride who you like"?

Regardless, this whole situation is a clusterf*ck and the OP should steer clear

_blaaz

Lotus Flower wrote: »

So if someone else got with your partner knowing that they were with you, you wouldn't be annoyed at all, you'd just think "Ah sure grand you're entitled to ride who you like"?

Regardless, this whole situation is a clusterf*ck and the OP should steer clear

Id be annoyed with my parther in this sceanrio??(and finish with em,nearly everyone cheats,but noone has to put up with it)

The other person deosnt owe me nothing like




But you are 100% right,whole situation is a clusterfcuk and avoid is best advicw

wiggle16

ellelle wrote: »

He told me he struggles with monogamy and does feel bad about the situation but isn't sure what to do.

"struggles with monogamy"... that's a new one! The poor chicken.

Ah here.... OP. Come on. You're being an eejit and you know it.

He doesn't know what to do? He knows exactly what he wants to do. He made a tinder profile while he is already in a relationship and is chatting away to you - you have a connection, but he "doesn't know what to do". No, he is playing you for a fool. And don't think for a second you're the only girl he's chatting to!

Let's phrase it another way: you have this connection, you can talk about anything, you really like him and he thinks you're really special - just not special enough to leave his girlfriend for. Special enough to lie to about having a girlfriend.

I know a couple of people who met their current partner while they were with someone else, one of them a very close friend. But they didn't cheat on their exes or go out looking to meet someone while they were already in a relationship - this is not the same as someone in a relationship who falls for someone else. This is some lad who wants more sex than he's getting from his girlfriend. That's all.

You lose them how you find them, OP.

He has told me I'm really special, but I know he might just be buttering me up.

That's exactly what he's doing. Lashings of butter.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here. Thanks for your replies.

I agree with those who said I need to examine why I've allowed myself to become involved in this situation. I think I definitely need to work on my self esteem. I am so drawn to him but the truth is it's also hurting me.

Some have mentioned him being attractive, that's part of it of course but it's actually mainly his personality I like. He's kind and compassionate, easy going and very interesting. I can't help but wonder if it's possible to fake compassion though? I don't understand how he can come across as such a nice person with buckets of empathy, but has no remorse for what he's doing to his girlfriend? He said he has been with her 5 years and it's complicated but that he feels he's in deep with me.

I'll probably look back on this and think, what were you thinking?? But right now I'm just so confused.

ellelle

ellelle wrote: »

But I can't seem to let him go. I don't know what to do.

You do know what to do, you're just finding it hard.

Rip it off like a plaster. Cut contact.

wiggle16

ellelle wrote: »

Hi, OP here. Thanks for your replies.

I agree with those who said I need to examine why I've allowed myself to become involved in this situation. I think I definitely need to work on my self esteem. I am so drawn to him but the truth is it's also hurting me.

Some have mentioned him being attractive, that's part of it of course but it's actually mainly his personality I like. He's kind and compassionate, easy going and very interesting. I can't help but wonder if it's possible to fake compassion though? I don't understand how he can come across as such a nice person with buckets of empathy, but has no remorse for what he's doing to his girlfriend? He said he has been with her 5 years and it's complicated but that he feels he's in deep with me.

It is possible to fake it, though it's not actually relevant. You're talking to him on tinder - the impression you're getting is exactly the impression he wants you to get and which he is presenting to you. A compassionate, sensitive guy. When in reality he is a selfish little twerp.

Look at it this way, it's just as well for him that he comes across all compassionate and kind, isn't it? Otherwise you probably would not have thought twice about getting involved with someone in a relationship, you'd have blocked him long ago.

I'll probably look back on this and think, what were you thinking?? But right now I'm just so confused.

You won't have to look back and think that if you put a stop to it now. OP he's been with the girl for 5 years and still has the neck to go on tinder behind her back.
Nothing is "complicated". That's BS. When it comes to relationships "complicated" is a word people use when they aren't bothered explaining their situation. And you're not "in deep" with him nor he with you. You're chatting over tinder. I agree you need to work on your self-confidence/esteem but you also need to realise that you're allowing yourself to be deluded by someone else - you need to ask yourself why you're letting that happen. How long have you been talking to him, OP?

If you were to ask that girl, do you think she would tell you her relationship is complicated? Seeing how she doesn't know what her boyfriend of 5 years is up to?

He's not nice or kind or compassionate. He's a d*ck.

dellas1979

ellelle wrote: »

I can't help but wonder if it's possible to fake compassion though?

It most certainly is very possible to fake compassion and empathy to get what you want. Its called manipulation.

This is what is worrying me about your situation. And of course you are confused - you cant understand what he is doing, because you wouldnt do it to someone (being a decent person). He has you confused and vulnerable - sheep to the wolves. He is telling you what you want to hear, to keep you hanging. He is also using the "its complicated" card to fuel this.

You either get a grip on yourself and understand what he is doing (and why) or he and this situation will rip through you like wild fire.

Your esteem seems to be low enough (for what ever reason-you need to figure this out) and he can see this.

You know how he can see this in you? Because through all his bravado and womanizing and cheating, and soft (manipulative) words, he has self esteem even lower than yours. This is his way to pump up his ego/esteem. I would very much feel sorry for someone like this (no matter how attractive they are).

If he came along and said "hey, Im in an open relationship. My partner knows about this/agrees. How you feel about dating someone in this situation?" Fine. He is being open.

In the current situation, he is just lying to everyone (even himself) to fill that hole/emptiness in himself.

Please want to have better for yourself.

IAMAMORON

Mod warning:

IAMAMORON, your post falls short of the standard expected in PI.

If you have a problem with a post, report it. Please don't challenge the OP in the thread like that again.

Wiggle16

Sephiroth_dude

ellelle wrote: »

he feels he's in deep with me.

Ah jaysis , he hasn't even met you yet and he's spouting you this nonsense, I cringed when I saw the above line, run a mile.

nthclare

He sounds like a sex and love addict, run away and find a real man.

Your world will be turned upside down in a matter of weeks, and he'll sail off into the sunset and find another port...

A friend of mine met a guy like him on tinder lately, any chance he's from Co Galway ?

He's an absolute predator this guy....

Mint Sauce

The clue is in the title OP.

Run.

Kidchameleon

ellelle wrote: »

He's kind and compassionate

He is neither of those

ellelle wrote: »

but has no remorse for what he's doing to his girlfriend?

Do you have any remorse for what you are doing to her yourself?

Dtp1979

Op, the lad is a sociopath with traits of narcissism. It’s a dangerous mix so be careful.

leggo

ellelle wrote: »

Hi, OP here. Thanks for your replies.

I agree with those who said I need to examine why I've allowed myself to become involved in this situation. I think I definitely need to work on my self esteem. I am so drawn to him but the truth is it's also hurting me.

Some have mentioned him being attractive, that's part of it of course but it's actually mainly his personality I like. He's kind and compassionate, easy going and very interesting. I can't help but wonder if it's possible to fake compassion though? I don't understand how he can come across as such a nice person with buckets of empathy, but has no remorse for what he's doing to his girlfriend? He said he has been with her 5 years and it's complicated but that he feels he's in deep with me.

I'll probably look back on this and think, what were you thinking?? But right now I'm just so confused.

Look up stuff on narcissism OP, it’ll open your eyes. A lot of people can copy what they see work for others and fake it quite easily. It’s when their actions don’t match up with their words that alarm bells should ring and, well, how compassionate is he being to his girlfriend by chatting to you to begin with?

You fancy him and feel a connection so you’re filling in the blanks on his behalf. Most, if not all, of us have been guilty of the same before on some level so don’t feel too bad. But do learn from it and do the sensible thing before you get hurt. I guarantee when you’re away from it and doing better within yourself you’ll see things WAY differently.

punisher5112

Have you actually met the guy???

I sure hope you don't plan on going to bed never mind dating him....

Imagine you're pregnant he will be gone off to the next.

Necro

This is actually reminiscent of how a 'mate' of mine has operated since he was about 16.

He's now 32 btw.

Never happy in a relationship, but never happy to be alone so he had(and still does for all I know) a litany of girls/women he would also be stringing along on the DL.

Promises of how much he was falling for them and how things would be different with them.

Every single thing he ever uttered out of his mouth was a complete and utter lie, and the worst thing was he would sit back and laugh at these girls as he regaled the lads with all these stories.

Thing is that no one had any respect for him, he was just tolerated which in itself was sad.
Still lives at home with his parents to this day, still rambling on about X or Y who he's scamming whilst being in a relationship with Z.


Anyways the point of all this personal stuff about my own take is that your OP reminds me exactly of this guy.

No matter what he says he doesn't actually care about you, or at least in anything but a superficial way.
These guys are vampires and you're honestly better off learning this now than after you start to reciprocate these 'feelings' he says he has for you.

Get shot OP, plenty of guys out there who aren't
A: attached
B: have the emotional maturity of a 6 year old.

Do it before you fall too deep, because if he's anything like my mate he will break your heart otherwise.

He's on tinder and he has a gf of 5 years. That's all you need to know. The rest is fake.

bottlebrush

for all you know he could in fact be married with kids

ManOfMystery

ellelle wrote: »

but he does seem so genuine

I see this phrase a lot in threads like this - as if people who are deceitful and lie and cheat and falsify have a big tattoo on their forehead proclaiming so.

Of course he seems genuine - accomplished liars and cheats always do, that's why they're so good at it and often don't get caught.

Porklife

Lotus Flower wrote: »

That's not true, if the other person knows they're in a relationship and they proceed, they're also to blame. It takes two to tango and all that

Wholeheartedly agree with this. If somebody is taken you don't go there. End of. I've never understood this. If I knew a guy had a girlfriend but was cracking on with me id find him disgusting, good looks and charm would be irrelevant. Nothing less attractive than a disloyal snake.
Op...grow up and cop onto yourself. This is a terrible idea and you know it. To be honest, you deserve each other if you proceed. Best of luck.ðŸ˜

Lotus Flower

Porklife wrote: »

Wholeheartedly agree with this. If somebody is taken you don't go there. End of. I've never understood this. If I knew a guy had a girlfriend but was cracking on with me id find him disgusting, good looks and charm would be irrelevant. Nothing less attractive than a disloyal snake.
Op...grow up and cop onto yourself. This is a terrible idea and you know it. To be honest, you deserve each other if you proceed. Best of luck.ðŸ˜

Exactly, obviously cheaters exist but those who knowingly enable cheating are just as bad

LegacyUser

I wonder has this kind and compassionate guy let his missus of five years know he struggles with monogamy or just strangers online? "In deep" what a line! What are your own feelings on monogamy in your own realtionships because you certainly won't find it there.

MSGSM

Guys like this piss me off. He says he struggles with monogamy but he doesn't struggle lying to his poor gf. OP, if he really likes you, he should break up with his gf which he hasn't done yet. He's having his cake and eating it too. Also, you shouldn't be seeing him while he is with his gf. How would you feel if the both of ye end up in a relationship and you found out he was seeing another girl behind your back.

MSGSM

IAMAMORON wrote:

If you find him physically attractive and you are happy with some no strings action why not? Just be careful you do not get emotionally attached, he will not be changing for you or for anyone. If you cannot handle a casual thing with him then move on. There are loads of men out there better looking than him who are probably not as exciting as him, lol.

Why not? How's about the guy having a girlfriend be enough of a reason.

Floppybits

OP, get rid of him. Like folks have said on here, he is stringing you along, giving you some speal about struggling with monogamy, it's nothing but a load of crap. For yourself step away, I don't know if you have met him yet or this is just going on via Twitter or something but best thing you can do is tell him that monogamy may not be for him but it is for you and that you are ending any relationship with him and then cut all ties.

There are plenty more fish in the sea that are single. As I have said if you are single enjoy being single, kiss a few frogs, have fun and when you find the right person, who is not in a relationship, you will know. Best of luck.