Love friend in real life but not on social media

LegacyUser

Hi all,
So as the title says I have a good friend who I love a lot but her social media presence is a bit overwhelming for me.
She posts about everything she does and the hashtags are always things like #besties #livinmybestlife etc...we're in our 40s btw. Days or weeks after a concert or holiday she'll post about missing being on holiday or missing being at the concert. She shares everything I guess and makes out that life is perfect, photos are often posed etc....Now look people are free to post what they like and you might say it's her page age can do what she likes which is absolutely correct but she often tags me in things and every time we're together she posts something then spends her time checking for likes and comments. If nobody has commented she'll often tag someone in the comments do they do reply. I hate to say it but I cringe when I see her posts. I feel really guilty about that but I'm being honest.
I want to handle this the right way but don't want to hurt her by unfriending her or whatever.
Does anyone else have experience with this? Any advice?
Thank you

antix80

Pretty needy and pathetic of your friend.

Assuming you're a Facebook user? Change your privacy settings to approve tags and prevent friends from posting on your timeline. Hide updates from your friend. You can still click her page once in a while to give likes to her cringey dross.

Pawwed Rig

What do you like about her? If she spends all the time in your company on her phone she must be fairly boring?

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies. Yes Facebook, I'm probably going to have to do that to be honest...I suspect her behaviour online is attention seeking or validation seeking because of various things that have happened, I don't suspect actually I know.
She is entitled to do what she likes but it has just gotten too much for me and I feel like I'm avoiding her because of it. Our mutual friends have stopped liking things I've noticed. I just don't want her to feel like crap.
Yes it's very annoying that she constantly takes her phone out.

ginandtonicsky

As above, change your privacy settings. And tell her your privacy is important to you and you don’t like having photos of yourself plastered all over social media and can she please stop doing that from now on.

Ursus Horribilis

As the others have said, you can tweak your settings so that she can't tag you so easily or you won't get notifications. And you can hide her posts from your timeline and dip back in every now and then (I did the latter with a real life friend who kept posting stuff from the local animal sanctuary).

Should the opportunity ever arise to have a chat about her Facebooking, I'd be tempted to have a gentle word with her. That may not ever happen, of course. If she picks you up on you not responding to her posts, just say you spend too much time on Facebook and have decided to cut down.

Would she see it if you unfollow her?..(I hope not..Ive pretty much unfollowed everyone..)..
Every so often you could hit up her page and like something..you'd still see if she tagged you..that'd be it though..

Locker10a

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Would she see it if you unfollow her?..(I hope not..Ive pretty much unfollowed everyone..)..
Every so often you could hit up her page and like something..you'd still see if she tagged you..that'd be it though..

Facebook and Instagram have a fantastic function called “snooze” where you don’t need to unfollow/unfriend someone but you can snooze their posts/content so it won’t show up on your feed.

pwurple

Unfollow her. And remove the ability where she can tag you.

It's very useful.

I was first driven to it for people who repost blitheringly obvious life wisdom, like Drink water, Love your Family, Get sleep etc, but yours sounds like a good case for it too!

LegacyUser

So I hid her posts, I don't see them but she's not unfriended....however she text me to ask why I wasn't really liking her stuff anymore. I haven't answered yet. I can't exactly say your social media posts make me cringe, she is going through a hard time at the minute.
I really think social media is a hindrance to any close relationship!

Locker10a

pwurple wrote: »

Unfollow her. And remove the ability where she can tag you.

It's very useful.

I was first driven to it for people who repost blitheringly obvious life wisdom, like Drink water, Love your Family, Get sleep etc, but yours sounds like a good case for it too!

It’s one of the OPs best friends, they can’t just unfollow them without some type of hurt/upset/confrontation!! All of this can avoided easily! Snooze the person so their posts wont appear to you, and if you don’t like being tagged you select that option too, where you have to approve tags before they appear, and the other used will not know this! It’s great! And no hurt feelings

antix80

Locker10a wrote: »

It’s one of the OPs best friends, they can’t just unfollow them without some type of hurt/upset/confrontation!! All of this can avoided easily! Snooze .,..

This is the second time you posted and you're just confusing matters by contradicting people who are giving correct advice.

Unfollowing is not the same as Unfriending.

A friend will not know if you unfollow them. You just won't see their posts until you follow them again.

Snooze is similar to unfollowing except it only lasts 1, 7, or 30 days. At the end of the period you will see your friend's posts again unless you snooze them again or unfollow them.

woodchuck

Ahshurlook wrote: »

So I hid her posts, I don't see them but she's not unfriended....however she text me to ask why I wasn't really liking her stuff anymore. I haven't answered yet. I can't exactly say your social media posts make me cringe, she is going through a hard time at the minute.
I really think social media is a hindrance to any close relationship!

I can't believe she would actually ask that :eek: She sounds very needy and insecure. I'd just ignore that text tbh. But if she's asking you by text, she'll be sure to bring it up in person. I'd try to turn the question back on her though and ask her why it's so important to her.

You said she's going through a hard time atm. It's possible she's trying to overcompensation on Facebook. Trying to make it look like she has this wonderful life, when the reality is much different. So if you start asking her about why she needs the online validation, she might open up and you could help her through the actual root cause of her insecurities. It really does sound like this is symptomatic of larger issues.

zoobizoo

Some people's social media habits have never matured.

When Facebook started, it was novel, new and I would post up pics and things I thought friends would find interesting. Most people I know have stopped posting personal info and photos and have grown out of doing what your friend does.


My partner who is younger than me used to post up info and photos etc... I had to "educate" / explain that I didn't want photos of me posted on line, that I didn't want our kid's pics up either and that I didn't use Facebook for keeping in touch with my real friends - if I wanted them to know what I was up to, I'd call them or text them - like adults do. The best example was FB 'friends' wishing me a happy birthday based on the date I had entered on FB, not my real birthday.

She gets this now...

I think you might need to have a chat with your pal. It sounds as if she is bored and hasn't 'copped' that what she is doing is being perceived as cringe. She's using social media to fill a gap.


I would start with "I saw you tagged me in that FB post about that gig.... listen, I've decided to only use FB now for messenger / to keep in touch with old travel pals. I'm just bored with it. Would you mind not tagging me anymore as I don't want people knowing what I'm up to. I'm going to be changing my privacy settings too...……. "

It starts a conversation.

You could say "I notice you seem to be on Facebook a lot - are ya bored?"

The thing is, if she lacks the awareness of how 'immature' / cringe posting and tagging appear to others and lacks the awareness at how needy she is coming across, she may not understand what you're on about.

antix80

Ahshurlook wrote: »

So I hid her posts, I don't see them but she's not unfriended....however she text me to ask why I wasn't really liking her stuff anymore. I haven't answered yet.

Tell her you're trying to cut down on your facebook use.

Noo

Ahshurlook wrote: »

So I hid her posts, I don't see them but she's not unfriended....however she text me to ask why I wasn't really liking her stuff anymore. I haven't answered yet. I can't exactly say your social media posts make me cringe, she is going through a hard time at the minute.
I really think social media is a hindrance to any close relationship!

Just say that you're trying to cut down on how much time you spend on your phone so you haven't been going on Facebook.

weldoninhio

Ahshurlook wrote: »

Hi all,
So as the title says I have a good friend who I love a lot but her social media presence is a bit overwhelming for me.
She posts about everything she does and the hashtags are always things like #besties #livinmybestlife etc...we're in our 40s btw. Days or weeks after a concert or holiday she'll post about missing being on holiday or missing being at the concert. She shares everything I guess and makes out that life is perfect, photos are often posed etc....Now look people are free to post what they like and you might say it's her page age can do what she likes which is absolutely correct but she often tags me in things and every time we're together she posts something then spends her time checking for likes and comments. If nobody has commented she'll often tag someone in the comments do they do reply. I hate to say it but I cringe when I see her posts. I feel really guilty about that but I'm being honest.
I want to handle this the right way but don't want to hurt her by unfriending her or whatever.
Does anyone else have experience with this? Any advice?
Thank you

Mute her. She’ll never know and you won’t see her crap unless you go to her page. Simples.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you need to read the whole thread. OP has updated us since.

ginandtonicsky

Ahshurlook wrote: »

So I hid her posts, I don't see them but she's not unfriended....however she text me to ask why I wasn't really liking her stuff anymore.

God that's so cringe.

I'd find it hard not to be honest tbh. Can you diplomatically tell her that her social media activity is excessive and you're uncomfortable being constantly tagged and referenced in her posts? And ask her why it's so important to her to publicly document and share her every move anyway?

Why not just tell her the truth?

qwerty13

Because I’d say it’s fairly hard to tell a friend that they are being incredibly insecure, needy and cringe!

Larbre34

Get off social media yourself, you will see a whole new world. If shes a good enough pal to want to phone you or knock on your door, then she will.

qwerty13

Noo wrote: »

Just say that you're trying to cut down on how much time you spend on your phone so you haven't been going on Facebook.

This. Problem solved. And change your settings re tagging.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,
Thank you for your replies. It's a really awkward situation and stressing me out, I can't just be blunt with her, that's not my style anyway. I don't want to go off social media myself, I rarely post anything about my private life, my husband and kids are never posted but I use it for a particular hobby of mine and to keep in contact with friends from travelling.
She told me she's going to be on a certain reality tv show now. I don't know what to think about that. I'm a bit shocked. I don't want to say anymore in case she's able to recognise herself.
I think I'm just going to have to say it.

Ursus Horribilis

I never agree with that "Delete Facebook,you'll be happier" advice anyway. Why should you delete your account if you're enjoying it and use it in a mature fashion?

I think the way to approach it is to say that you are a private person and you don't really share such things on your Facebook page. All she has to do is take a look at your Facebook to see. And that you're not comfortable with being tagged all the time.

I think the reality TV thing is a way to open this up further. I'd find it very hard to sit by and say nothing. If any of my friends told me they were going onto reality TV I would ask them were they absolutely sure they knew what they were letting themselves in for? I'm going to assume she's hoping to go onto something that's a bit trashy. Is she really ready for the knuckle-draggers who reside on social media and delight in tearing people down? It's not for nothing that some participants from reality TV shows have committed suicide this year. Why is she doing it? Is it to seek validation from others? The producers of these sorts of shows have few scruples.. If she is a bit fragile or out there in any way, they'll love her.

LegacyUser

I have been doing a lot of thinking and I've tried to help her with what she's going through but the announcement this week of the reality tv show is just a bit much. I'm feeling really overwhelmed by our friendship right now and think I need to take a step back. I love her and we've been friends for over 20 years but I need some space. Someone who constantly needs validation is very draining.

LaLa2004

Ahshurlook wrote: »

So I hid her posts, I don't see them but she's not unfriended....however she text me to ask why I wasn't really liking her stuff anymore. I haven't answered yet. I can't exactly say your social media posts make me cringe, she is going through a hard time at the minute.
I really think social media is a hindrance to any close relationship!

Say Im' taking a break from Facebook or social media.

leggo

I delete people like this from my life now, or at least mute them down as low as I can, tbh. They're absolute drains. The way they learned to relate to the world is through constantly setting fire to their personal life for attention (in this case, reality TV), so they've no interest in changing and helping themselves because the messed up way they see the world is that this is actually what makes them happy.

They'll turn on you as quick as anything too, don't be naive enough to think that they share your values and sense of loyalty. I worked with one girl like this and listened to her problems for years despite her having zero interest in doing anything to address the root of all these issues (i.e. herself). Eventually I got empathy fatigue and had to back off talking about personal stuff with her because it was affecting my own mental state, although I wasn't mean and still occasionally made time to make smalltalk. She picked up on this and began to push back. Eventually she ended up somehow trapping me in her web of drama and putting in a complaint over absolutely nothing! (The long and short of the 'complaint' was: "He refused to engage when I started an argument with him on the floor and I found that rude and dismissive") I even considered legal action against her before just deciding I'd wasted enough hours of my life thinking about this person, given her attention and energy through everything she'd gone through to the point it affected me, then when I decided to look out for myself she not only didn't accept it, but went on the attack and tried (unsuccessfully mind) to harm my professional life.

This is the kind of person you're dealing with ultimately. You're already seeing signs of it. You mute her and decide to stay in control of what negativity you allow into your life...and she immediately picks up on it and tries to force it on you. You can try be honest if you like and if that would make you feel better, but the only way she'll take it is that you 'turned on her', so she'll have to react in kind because it's an excuse for more drama. I'd say the best way to do it is to ghost her slowly. Normally I'd hate that behaviour but you have to play the hand you're dealt. That way she won't get to be triggered to start drama with you because it'll be more confusion, and she'll adjust and find someone new to leach onto. You're not going to change her. Her 'going through a tough time' is not your problem or responsibility. If she wasn't now, she'd just create something to achieve the same end anyway.

qwerty13

qwerty13 wrote: »

Because I’d say it’s fairly hard to tell a friend that they are being incredibly insecure, needy and cringe!

Well you can be a bit subtle about it - but it could well be that she doesn't realise she is having this effect on people.

I would expect my friends to do this for me and expect the same from them.

zoobizoo

Ahshurlook wrote: »

Hi everyone,
I don't want to go off social media myself, I rarely post anything about my private life, my husband and kids are never posted but I use it for a particular hobby of mine and to keep in contact with friends from travelling.
.

That's what I use it for too. But that's the perfect thing to say to her...

That you don't use it to look at other's pages or what others are posting - you don't have time or the interest.

You can tell her also that you've unfollowed everyone (not unfriended) so that nothing turns up on your time line and that you don't see any of her posts now.

And the fact that you've done it to everyone means she can't take offence.

As for the reality TV show - be a friend and tell her to have a real hard think about her motivations for going on and the possible repercussions of it.

ILoveYourVibes

Ahshurlook wrote: »

Hi everyone,
Thank you for your replies. It's a really awkward situation and stressing me out, I can't just be blunt with her, that's not my style anyway. I don't want to go off social media myself, I rarely post anything about my private life, my husband and kids are never posted but I use it for a particular hobby of mine and to keep in contact with friends from travelling.
She told me she's going to be on a certain reality tv show now. I don't know what to think about that. I'm a bit shocked. I don't want to say anymore in case she's able to recognise herself.
I think I'm just going to have to say it.

Maybe you are her are just too different to be friends?